Written last night…

I couldn’t even go 2 weeks before the anxiety returned. It returned on the 30th. It’s only been about 12 days. It was after I took an 88, the second one of the week. It will be interesting to see if I have the same problem Friday when I take the third and last 88 of the week, and also if I’m better tomorrow with just a 75.

There I was stupidly thinking my body had gotten used to three times a week. Of course there are still other causes but this is just ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life suffering on and off from this shit. I’m just not. If death is the only way to end it in a few years, then so be it.

The annoying honker across the street is on his way out! The day before yesterday he was out all day and then honked in (twice) after 9. This morning he got the ugly black trailer he owns and stores somewhere and loaded the motorcycle into it. Then he was out all day again. I was hoping he’d hit the road later on, wanting to take off at night when there would be less traffic but our guess is that they’ll pull out early in the morning. So the end of the month really meant the end of the month. I was hoping he’d leave a few days early but I should have figured as much.

We bought another golf course. They have a few extra ones that don’t come free with the game. They’re $3 each. He bought one a week ago and I bought one tonight. His is called Sweettopia and has a lot of colorful cakes and candies. Mine has a garden theme and it’s pretty with butterflies fluttering about. We can invite each other to play the games but he can’t hunt for balls in courses I buy even though he can still see them. Same goes for me. I can’t gather balls from courses he’s purchased.

I lost to him earlier by just one stroke. That’s the closest I’ve ever come. I swear someday I really will beat him, LOL.

Written today…

We went to that ice cream shop. A young girl and guy were tending it, music blasting, of course. I swear they need to ban music from restaurants and stores! Sick of this shit everywhere we go. Even some doctors’ offices. Anyway, he got a cookies and cream milkshake and I got a caramel sundae.

Today is the exact opposite of yesterday. Where yesterday I was anxious, even after taking two CBD gummies, today I feel great. I don’t get it. I just don’t.

Having a thunderstorm which is always nice to listen to. I don’t think it would have woken me up if I were asleep. It’s audible, but nothing earth-shattering.

The trailer is still in the driveway across the street, but no truck. It left in the early afternoon. He and I disagree as to what’s going on. I’m starting to think they already left, but decided to leave their toys in the trailer since they couldn’t put the motorcycle and the golf cart in their lanai much less their house. The flag is down and their windows have been shut.

He says I’m a lunatic, LOL, and they’re just delayed because tornadoes are going through the southeast. Well, we’ll see if they come honking back in later on. Either way, I’m just glad to be rid of the motorcycle for a handful of months. One down, one to go. Now I just have to see if I can get enough sleep to survive the peak storm season here.

Another thing we disagree on is whether or not the guy in the UK should be penalized as he has been with over 100 hours of community service for a mean tweet about an old soldier that just died. He thinks he deserved what he got. I say that yes, it was mean, but it’s only words and if you don’t like it, don’t read it. Why do people torture themselves by following and reading people that offend them anyway? If you’re that sensitive, you shouldn’t be on the Internet. I’m just surprised the UK would do that. It’s definitely something the US would do, though, which is why I’ve been very careful with what I share publicly. Too many crazy lawmakers out there these days. There always have been, but it’s been getting worse.

My dentist appointment didn’t go so great today. I don’t have any cavities, but I need a crown. She said it will be more of a preventative measure and there was no hurry in getting it done and I can wait until my next cleaning if I want. She’ll give me the “good stuff” too. Lol, It’s fun to take that every now and then. The thing is that it’s the bottom back molar and it has a huge cavity in it that isn’t going to hold up forever. So that’s another $1200 going in my mouth. Fortunately, we have a huge line of credit.

I’m also getting a new Waterpik which was recommended. This one is cordless. It will help with my bridge, and besides, you can also get cavities under crowns which wouldn’t be good because then they have to remove and replace the crown. I wonder if I’ll have any of my own teeth left by the time I die.

Crystal wasn’t there and I had a different hygienist. Her name was Kristen. I liked her better than Ashley. Ashley was quicker but a bit rough and not as friendly.

Before we left, I gave Toni a package that Maurice accidentally gave us. The poor thing fell down the other day and tore a couple of ligaments. She’s going to be needing surgery soon. I feel bad for her and I also hope to hell that she doesn’t end up in assisted living. I would definitely worry about what may move in there if she left, and of course, having a wider driveway as she does would increase the chance of a motorcycle.

They’re going to be bringing in the homes in the new addition soon. Hopefully, we won’t hear much over here.

As we were leaving, we glanced at two topless guys out front chatting. I’m guessing it’s the guy across from Toni and then the guy who recently moved in next to him. Tom said, “What is it with guys and no shirts out here?”

Lol. It’s true that they definitely seem to go topless here more than they did in Cali. Tom thinks it’s weird, especially for older guys. It’s a weather thing.

Darren and Carrie look like they’re half gone. The carport and the side lanai look emptier, but the motorcycle is still there and the front lanai windows are open.

It was funny how Doc A’s nurse sent me a message saying that Doc A said it was time for my follow-up and am I still in California or have I moved? LOL. I forwarded a message to Doc A asking if there’s anything in particular I need to do to close my account, so to speak.

My nails are almost all cured. Getting very close now. I think I might use this lacquer on my toes as well since I have some infected toenails too.

Turning his bed sideways has given him more space and another place to VR. We both regret these mattresses, though. He wishes he’d gotten a Murphy bed, and I wish I’d gotten a waterbed. Anyway, there’s more space in the living room than in the kitchen for when we both want to golf together. I swear the only time I miss the old house is when it comes to VRing!

I spread a fleece blanket out on the living room floor so that when I’m working out I don’t have to stand so long on this rough carpet.

I ordered new deck shoes, so hopefully, that will be even better for working out, especially when I’m on the vibe platform. They’re light pink and white. I got the try-before-you-buy deal.

Lastly, I got a set of four square-foot diamond paintings. They each contain an identical tree with different colors. Plus, I got magnet frames to put them in that I’m looking forward to trying. Those would be the best deal if they’re any good. These are partial drills with a variety of sizes and shapes of diamonds. I want to put them on one of the kitchen walls that has been bare since I was taking my time trying to figure out what I want to put there.

I just got my second $5 gift card from the survey site and I’m about to get my third. Definitely the best survey site I’ve ever dealt with. I also got a $10 Amazon card from Bing. I was surprised when I signed in this morning to find my points had nearly doubled. I forgot about those bonus points. However, Tom has been told he’s not eligible and he sent them a message about it. We’re wondering if it’s because we share the same IP address.

We put the white brick accent wall up in the small bedroom, and it looks surprisingly good. Makes me wish we’d skipped the too-thin pink wallpaper in the master bedroom and gotten pink brick. Or some other texture. It might even help muffle sound a little bit more because it’s thick.

Since this coarse carpet is the worst and really shredding my feet, we’re going to eventually get a square 8x8 rug for the living room. I spend so much time in the middle of the living room floor VRing that it would really be easier on my feet. I hate this damn carpet so much that I might even get a couple of long, thin rugs for the bedroom. One leading to the bathroom and the other leading to the closet.

It took me 13 days of riding, but I finally made it to Edgewater! It looks pretty similar to here. Just a little more populated. Got over 2200 bonus coins for it. It was quite a workout! Next, I’ll be doing the shorter trip to the beach we go to, and then I’ll get back to mixing my cross-country trip with various rides created by others.

We’ve also been playing this game that has daily brain exercises. The app is called Enhance.

We went to KFC earlier. The chicken was too crispy and the fries were too spicy.

“Before you leave a message after the beep, I didn’t sign up for disability. I’m too young for Social Security. And no, I’m not interested in student loans or any of the other scams you may be trying to pull. Have a great day.”

That’s the outgoing message I put on my voicemail, but sure enough, I got a message for a student loan I never applied for. Apparently, this is a popular scam going on.

For the second time, I put in for a $5 Amazon gift certificate from Branded Surveys.

Got a new car racing game that’s pretty realistic and fun. There’s only so long I can stand to play it, though, before I get bored.

I’m 65% through my trip to Edgewater.

After doing well for days, I felt a hint of anxiety floating up to just below the surface. In other words, I’m sure my good days are pretty much over and the anxiety will slowly be trickling back in. Hopefully, I won’t have to suffer a whole week or more this time.

No luck so far today with the weekend horseracing bets. I’m already getting the feeling that just like years ago, it’s going to be a bust.

Swapped audio clips with Jessie yesterday via texting. She won’t do it or give out personal info on Facebook, and I don’t blame her. I was surprised by how she sounded. She not only sounds a million years younger than her age but not quite exactly as I remember her to sound. She said an old coworker of hers used to tell her she had the voice of a sex phone operator. LOL, I can see that too.

We talked about things like the weather, the new windows she’ll have to get because of leaks, and how pissed off she was when some guy claimed to be joking after telling her and David that he’ll call David about countertops they might be interested in but not her. She said that men here will talk to David but not her and when she asks a question, they tend to answer through David and not directly to her.

Oh, the number of closet cases that are out there, even though, I haven’t noticed this personally. Maybe that’s because I have yet to talk to many people.

It rained on and off all day yesterday, but I only heard one clap of thunder. So much for thinking nobody would be out and about doing anything yesterday and it would be peaceful. That fucking cock across the street was out power washing next door’s driveway. That much was quiet. It was when he power-washed his damn truck that was annoying. I could hear it all throughout the house. He hosed out the garbage bins as well. I swear this cock can’t take a day off and just relax indoors. I hope he’s out of here soon and that there are no delays. I figure if worst comes to worst, he can’t be here past mid-April. The motorcycle is the worst thing, of course, but I’m also tired of the multiple honks a day. Every fucking time he comes and goes, moves the truck, or goes in it to get something, I have to know about it.

Galileo was nice enough to check in on me yesterday, even though it was an automated message. I let them know I was better.

I might have found a way to share certain posts with select people without them being notified. Instead of doing a post for a specific person, I just make it for friends except for so and so. That is until Facebook takes it upon itself to tell them, “JLS has shared a post with you except for all her other friends.”

This is the third day I’ve been calm and the second tired. I’ve got to increase my waiting time again. I’m going to suck up and savor every calm day I can get. I’ll never take those days for granted. It makes me all the more appreciative. I can count my list of gratitudes right along with my complaints. I’m so glad I’m not a girl in Pakistan forced to marry some sick pervert I can’t kill without getting killed myself, for example. I don’t have to worry about the Taliban cutting my thumb off just because I put nail polish on.

But women in the US are finding their reproductive parts more and more under lock and key. There are ways to get around the crazy laws, but it doesn’t make them any less sick, unfair, and infuriating. Idaho is the first state to copycat Texas with the six-week abortion limit only they say they’ll make exceptions for rape. That is only if the woman can prove it with a police report. So a rapist doesn’t have to prove himself to anybody, but a woman has to prove that she was raped. Pretty fucked up if you ask me, but to be honest, the more twisted laws I hear about coming into effect, the less they faze me. Just as long as they never touch me personally or my husband.

I’m so sick of TV sending a message to women that abortion is murder and never an option. Years ago, if a teenager got pregnant, she was forced to have an abortion. Now she’s called a murderer if she even thinks of having one. Funny too, considering the fact that work is being pushed more and more on women in this country as opposed to family.

I can’t take black cohosh every day or else it messes with my stomach. It’s kinda too bad too because it helps with hot flashes and it might also help with my moods.

I filled in Galileo and they said I don’t need a psych referral. That’s nice, but I’m still hesitant because I don’t see what they can do for me that no one else did for me in the past. The most they could do is give me lorazepam. I can’t tolerate anything else. No amount of breathing or thinking a certain way is going to stop it. The only thing I can do when I get anxious is suffer and wait it out. It sucks, but that’s my reality.

Darren is still here. He’s been trimming trees and washing and spraying his roof for mold. The motorcycle has been covered for a few days. If I had to guess, he’s a week away from leaving.

The guy across from Toni got new carpet. It sure went quickly compared to when we got carpet in NorCal since the houses here tend to be smaller.

It’s raining today, so I’m hearing that right now. I don’t know if it was the wind or what, but a few mornings ago it almost sounded like the old freeway. All the fucking motorcycles were making my head spin.

We went to Burger King yesterday and decided to take our food back home. Why eat there and listen to music we don’t want to listen to when we can eat with our shows at home?

I got my first payment from Branded Surveys and even Tom joined.

Tom found a site called Sidequest which has thousands and thousands of games. They’re not all free, but there’s so much to check out. I’m trying to get the hang of this car racing game I downloaded.

Also, I decided to bring the vibe platform back out and do VZfit on it. I missed the way the platform really worked my core and sucked in my gut, making my clothes fit better.

I had a dream that Tom found or bought this gadget that you shine on your body. If yellow spots appeared, that meant your cholesterol was high. His body showed no yellow spots, but I had several on my torso.

Then I had a dream we were living on the beach in a small two-story place. The place was close to others, but I didn’t seem bothered by it. Sick of cleaning the house, I decided to take a break and go for a swim. Only after I threw my swimsuit on and headed around the corner to this little strip of beach, I was horrified to find a giant Anaconda. It had to have been a few feet wide and hundreds of feet long.

I don’t think I’m going to make it to the beach this time around because, by the time my schedule is suitable for it, we’re going to have a cool spell. Third week in March and I’m sitting here in a robe and slippers. Not exactly what I thought would be the case, even if it is noticeably warmer in general than NorCal.

So now I may as well get caught up on the writing that I was saving for the road. A few days ago we went to CVS and grabbed some white Merlot and a caramel Easter egg. You’re not supposed to drink with CBD gummies, so I decided I would hold off until the end of my day, which is when I usually have a glass of wine anyway if I’m going to have any at all, and make sure I’m not going to need a gummy earlier. I thought I was going to need one a while ago, but then I drafted my next message to Galileo and took a longer meditation break, and felt better.

Then a little later, we went to Walgreens. We hadn’t been there in a while. I got another caramel Easter egg and some Chardonnay with hints of vanilla by Barefoot that I’ve never had before. It’s dry and boring as fuck. I don’t taste any vanilla either.

Oh, I also got a cute pink beaded $0.99 bracelet when we were at CVS. Did a small Amazon order too. I’m getting another set of small colorful foam tiles for by the master bathroom toilet. These toilets may not be as high as our other ones, but I’m still short.

I also ordered some Calms Forte for my schedule experiment and a set of colorful hourglasses that are timed from 1 minute to 10 minutes. They’re not something I need, but I always thought they were cool-looking and fun to watch. Some of them may actually be good for when I’m doing my ab crunches. I tend to rush through my core work. This may help discipline me better.

Lastly, knowing how much I like having a ring on the back of the phone case that’s on my iPhone, I decided to get a case with a ring for the Samsung. It makes it easier to grip. That way my fingers also aren’t blocking speakers or microphones.

I got a $10 gift card from Facebook Viewpoints and I joined Branded Surveys as well. I hate it when they tell me I don’t qualify after I answered a bunch of questions. However, they seem to be legit and my points are slowly climbing. I just don’t bother to do too many, so I don’t end up wasting much time. I’m guaranteed 5 a day for doing their daily poll, yet I do get more than that. I have 171 points right now and when I get to 500 I can grab a $5 Amazon gift card.

Mia is now on level 80. Got over 172,000 XP.

Early yesterday morning we went to the little strip of beach that’s just a few minutes away. It was very chilly and windy, so we didn’t stay long. The point wasn’t to swim or sunbathe, but just to get out and into the fresh sea air. Sea and sun are like magic on my soul.

Darren power-washed his place, and I’m hoping it’s in preparation to get the hell out of here. I’m getting used to his presence and it’s nice that he doesn’t use the motorcycle daily and that the soundproofing material keeps it from waking me up if he uses it when I’m sleeping, but I still would like it better without him in the picture. Should be about a week now unless his plans have changed. The position of the motorcycle and the golf cart have changed. I don’t know if it means anything or not, though. I assume he’s going to get that trailer, hitch it to the truck, and loaded up with his toys wherever they are.

Someone halfway down the street in front of us is also adding gravel to their place. They got those metal containers that hold the rocks.

I feel bad for the people on the other side of the park because they’re removing the fences that run along the back of their places. They want the old section and the new section to be one big old happy family. This would definitely piss me off as we would lose privacy in back. But those fences are no longer exterior fences. I hope to hell we’re out of here or long gone by the time they build up behind us.

I squatted when signing in and having my picture taken and made the boxer a lot shorter on Thrill of the Fight but didn’t notice any difference in his fighting ability. I won as usual, but he still managed to give me some pretty fierce punches along the way. Goes to show yet again that it’s all about temperament. There is a big difference between playing around and being in an adrenaline-fueled rage or having your life on the line. I doubt I could play box the cock across the street. But if he hurt Tom, burned our house down, or caused one of us to lose our freedom and thousands of dollars, I would definitely not want to be him.

Love the new necklaces and bracelets! They’re prettier and easier to open to place drops of oil onto the colored felt discs than I thought they’d be. I like how the necklaces are long enough that I can just slip them over my head. I also like how the bracelets are adjustable. I’ll have to make a list of which colors have which scents, so I don’t mix them up. So today, depending on energy levels, we’ll go out with my “peppermint” jewelry.

We may be going to a beach just a few minutes away. There’s no real beach or any place to do much swimming there but that’s not the point. The point is to get me out of the house and into the sunlight. I don’t know why it’s come to be, but nights are definitely not putting me in the best of moods. Besides the medication and the lady hormones, there definitely seems to be a connection.

I’m now getting up in the evening. I don’t like to go to the beach if I’ve woken up before about 3:00 AM because then I’m in for quite a long day. I expect my schedule to be there in a few days, so I’m going to stop writing so I save enough writing material for the drive. Without road material, it would be kind of boring just sitting there. We’ve decided it’s best to leave at about 9:00 and then head back home around lunchtime so that we beat the afternoon crowd. If we don’t go until I’m getting up at 3:00 or later, then I have a few hours to unwind at the end of the day and to do other things.

Whoa! Big-time heavy rain coming down. Couldn’t hear my show very well over it. At the part where a boy throws himself out of his treehouse and breaks his arm. I could have really used a Dr. Charles way back when instead of a Donna A and her evil sister Margaret M along with Barbara D making me feel like a criminal and reminding me that what I did “caused nightmares” for the other students. Not that I may have been going through a nightmare of my own to cause me to jump in the first place, you know?

I may have some good news! I took my first CBD gummy earlier tonight when I felt the anxiety picking up and soon felt much better. So either something up there is just teasing me or I’m really onto something. The question is whether or not they’ll continue to have this calming effect on me. The problem with some medications/supplements is that they can lose their effectiveness in time.

OMG, though do they taste awful! I got the full spectrum cherry mango-flavored ones in 10-milligram doses. It didn’t make me tired at all but gave me a slightly dry mouth and a slight tingling/burning sensation in the side of my upper lip. It’s still way better than anxiety! I had a weird feeling in my mouth when I ate too, but nothing serious.

Last night ended up being pretty horrible with both anxiety and depression and I wish I had them then. I would have if FedEx didn’t have to go and fuck up the delivery.

I’m glad Tom remembered a GNC store nearby. That way, if these keep working, I can just go over there and get them. I just have to remember not to let my supply get too low in case they’re out of stock and I have to order online again.

Ordered some incense from Amazon. Chocolate, birthday cake, cinnamon, gingerbread, blueberry muffin, and sugar cookie.

Also ordered necklaces and bracelets for fragrance oils. They come with little felt pads that you put a drop or two of oil onto, and then you place it back in the necklace or bracelet.

Later…

I did OK after taking my first CBD gummy. Some moments I felt like the anxiety was lurking beneath the surface and was going to bubble back up but it didn’t. As horrible as they taste, it will be plenty worth it if they continue to be helpful. They have a very chemical and medicinal taste. I didn’t taste any of the cherry or the mango that was supposed to be in it. The only thing I didn’t like was the tingling/burning sensation in my left upper lip. I read that this is a side effect since they can’t get rid of 100% of the THC. From what I can tell though, it’s not dangerous. Just annoying.

Depending on how much of my problem is still hormonal, well, I did find an article that says that you can have symptoms 4-5 years beyond the point in which you become menopausal which is once you’ve gone a year without a bleeder. Sometimes the symptoms can carry on even longer. This is both encouraging and discouraging. If I knew that enough of this was due to the hormones, it’s encouraging in that it wouldn’t go on forever. But it’s also discouraging to know it could go on for years to come as if 8 years hasn’t been enough.

I decided that if being on nights really is part of the problem for some reason, then no more nights! Audiobook time starts somewhere between 9:00-10:00 PM and it’s lights out at 11 and then out of bed by 7 no matter how I feel. But then I realize that it’s a bit much for me to make a big jump like that so fast, so I’ll make similar increments as I am with my medication dose. First I’ll try to hold it for a few days, then do a roll. Then I’ll try to hold it for a little more than a few days and do another roll.

Ten more days with the honking motorcycle man! God, I hope his plans haven’t changed and that he’s not going to be delayed from going back, but I can’t see him here beyond mid-April if worse comes to worst. I forgot I can do a video playback, so I looked back to yesterday morning between the hour of 9-10 when I thought a loud motor might have woken me up if I wasn’t dreaming and I didn’t see any movement over there. So if what I heard was real, it wasn’t him.

In 2023, they’re going to do away with daylight savings altogether. It will be nice not having to deal with remembering to change clocks, even though the only two we change these days are the microwave and stove.

Had a dream suggesting I may die at 69 if I don’t kill myself before that. I’m not sure if “they” were talking about me specifically or those with high cholesterol, but it seemed like it had something to do with that.

I didn’t end up too bad last night. But since I took an 88 when I got up, I worry about later on tonight. The dumbshits at FedEx lost my CBD gummy package, so it’s been delayed a day or two. Hmm…makes me wonder if it could be evil divine intervention because they either work or maybe something is trying to tell me to just toughen up and learn to cope once and for all. I really think this is going to be for life. Yes, erratic dosing could very well be a factor. It’s hard to believe all the times my dose was changed and I got anxious was just a coincidence. But when I read back in my 2016 journal, I was discouraged. My anxiety returned after months of doing well with no skips and no dose changes. So I don’t doubt that there are other factors. This is what worries me the most. I’m likely never going to know what they are, much less how to get rid of them. Other than a few bursts here in there, my old self truly is gone for the most part. All I can do is just enjoy the good moments…until I’ve had enough.

Tom also realized there is a GNC store nearby, so we can go there if these work.

The March of Dimes made good on their word and sent me a set of beautiful glittery Color Street nail stickers. I was surprised. I didn’t think they would simply for signing up. I think they might have also said something about a T-shirt so we’ll see if I get it.

My nails are much better now. At first, I doubted that they would get much better than they initially did, but it’s a long, slow process. I think they can be cured after all. So glad I could do it with something topical!

Last night we had heavy rain with moderate thunder. We were supposed to get rain and thunder today, but neither happened so I got to sleep well. Jessie says the storms were fierce last night at her place and that she had heavy thunder over there today as well. But she can sleep at night all the time, so 90% of the time or more, she shouldn’t be woken up.

I created a few more VZ trips. One from our town to Edgewater. One from this exact address to Sand Key Beach. And then I decided to do a “vertical” cross-country trip to add to my horizontal one. So that one goes from Key West to Quebec. It’s just over 2000 miles, so it’s about 10,000 miles shorter than my other trip from Sacramento to Tampa. The trip to Edgewater is 140 miles, and the trip to the beach is 37 miles.

I’m now learning that storm season which is from May to October is actually hurricane season. Thunderstorm season is from now until October. So now I could be looking at being woken up more than half the year. I’m really afraid this is going to be worse than the traffic at the old place.

I’m pissed off because I not only had a bad night last night but my CBD gummies never arrived today. Oh well. They probably wouldn’t have worked any more than anything else has. I wouldn’t have suffered all these years if there was anything out there that could work, would I? I’m not kidding when I say I feel totally hopeless. There’s no way to treat this thing let alone cure it.

Two more weeks with Darren and his honking and motorcycle although the motorcycle is nothing in comparison to the anxiety and the threat that the thunder poses to my sleep. I keep hoping it will thunder loudly while I’m awake so I can test some sound volumes but of course it won’t.

I had a dream I was sentenced to life in prison for threatening someone. I don’t know who it was I was supposed to have threatened or why, but I remembered the shock and despair I felt in the dream.

Then Maliheh was in a couple of dreams. One of them I don’t remember, but in the other one, she was doing something to my bad ear. Some kind of treatment. She even patted me on the back reassuringly.

Where I wonder if the prison life sentence dream was a sign that yes, my anxiety really is a life sentence, I wonder if the Maliheh dreams could be that she was thinking of me and that’s what triggered the dreams. Could she have been missing me? Could she have been regretting throwing away a friend she had a lot in common with? Well, it’s too late either way. I have no desire to chat with her much less flirt with her. I’m not the least bit interested in her, although oddly enough I don’t have any ill feelings toward her either. Yes, I was always curious as to why she ghosted me, but I’m pretty sure I know why she befriended and then dumped me.

Signing in exhausted and feeling more hopeless than ever. It’s looking like the waiting time may not have affected whether or not I get anxious, but it definitely affects my energy levels. Definitely need to wait longer before I have my coffee. Especially with the storms trickling back in that I didn’t think would start until May. It’s mid-March, yet they’re already starting to slowly ramp up. I’m hoping I’ll be awake the next time we have loud thunder so I can test some volume levels of the nature sounds I play.

We’ve read some articles that suggest Doc A may have been right after all because of the type of magnesium I take. It’s more the type of magnesium in antacids that you have to wait 4 hours before eating or drinking. I’m waiting 4 hours either way.

Anyway, the anxiety was even worse after my third dose, so I contacted Galileo and said that I think that jumping from two 88s a week to every day is too much too fast in my case. They asked if I would be open to three times a week of the 88s and I said I would be. Meanwhile, they said they would check in with me in a week.

I also have CBD gummies that will be delivered tomorrow even though they will probably be a bust like everything else I’ve tried. They’re not supposed to make you high because they don’t have the THC in them but just hemp which is what marijuana is. They shouldn’t have any sedative effect on a person, but with me being me, you never know.

I’m now back to thinking, yes, I did get used to the daily 75s if Doc A was right about the magnesium. If it really is a matter of me having to ramp up doses really slowly then there may be a tiny spark of hope for me. I first thought that I only was able to get used to them because my thyroid died around that time, but when I checked my labs from October 2020, I found that my TSH was 13.60 and the following April, it was 12.09. Not much different than 14…unless. Unless there really is a fine line between points. If anything under 14 is my threshold for anxiety, then I could be doomed.

An article I came across suggests I might be as well if it turns out that I was misdiagnosed. Or at least not fully diagnosed. The article said that infections as a child can call for anxiety later on in life in adulthood. Well, the fact that I was hospitalized with pneumonia as a kid and have an elevated high white blood cell count most of the time makes me wonder. It’s supposed to attack healthy brain cells or something like that, and that’s what causes sporadic anxiety.

There’s still a big connection to the medication. All those times I had problems when ramping up my dose can’t be a coincidence. And now I see that the skips I used to make only made things worse because I wasn’t getting a consistent dose for my body to get used to.

I just know I’m done with this shit in 4 years or less. We either figure it out or it goes away before I’m 60 or else I’m gone. I am absolutely not going to let myself suffer from this for more than 4 more years.

Do I think there’s a chance of it ever going away? No, I don’t. Even if the medication issues are finally resolved, that doesn’t mean there aren’t other causes as well. I think I was forever changed as of 2014 and there’s no going back. I’m really starting to realize this now. There comes a point and time where we suddenly realized that, hey, this is the way it’s gonna be and there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it, no matter how much we try. One day I realized I would never be a singer. One day I realized I was not meant to be with a woman. One day I realized that whether I stopped wanting one or not, I would never have a child just as I always suspected. One day I realized he wasn’t ever going to change in bed. One day I realized I would never lose weight. Now I realize the anxiety is mine for life. Only it’s so debilitating and untreatable in my case that I’m not going to do it for another 20 years on top of the 8 I’ve already done it for. If it turns out I do have this condition, there are immunomodulatory drugs a person can take, but I know I wouldn’t be able to tolerate it.

Darren left on the motorcycle before I got up and came back quieter than I’ve ever heard him come back. It was weird. He swung around the block and then came up the street and into his driveway, never passing the house. I counted how long it took before he entered his driveway and turned the motorcycle off. Took about 12 seconds. He’s now the least of my concerns compared to the medication and the storm.

Also, believe it or not, it got into the 30s last night even though we’re well into March. It was nearly 40 degrees colder for the low than the night before. We had a huge wind, rain, and thunderstorm yesterday. Unfortunately, the thunder woke me up, so now I’m stressing about how I’m going to survive the storms here on top of the new medication.

Yesterday was my second dose. Toward the middle of my day, I started feeling anxious and felt that way for the rest of my day. I’ve only been up for about four hours and I’m already feeling it. I don’t know what to think anymore. Is it just the medication itself causing it? Could it be my hormones? Could it be something else entirely? I’ve got 4 more years to figure it out. I’m not kidding when I say that after a dozen years, I’ll have had enough. Hell, I had enough years ago!

We’re going to take measures to seal up the room better against the storms, but without having the many thousands of dollars for the proper stuff, I don’t know that we can make it good enough so that they don’t wake me up at least for the most part.

The nail lacquer seems to be dissolving my cuticles and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. They’re definitely improving, although they still have a ways to go.

We ran out to Publix yesterday. I was tired yesterday because of this thunder waking me up and I’m tired today because I just didn’t sleep well in general. Too much on my mind, I guess. I had a series of weird dreams too. I was contemplating whether or not to attack some guy who was being rude to us in a menacing way. Then I had my forearm amputated to just below my elbow. This was the weirdest dream I ever had because when I looked in the mirror, I could clearly see the amputation. Yet when I looked down and put my arms out in front of me, I could see both arms and hands in full.

Doc A shared another running victory. She seems to be really obsessed with it. She said it’s been hard between work, life, and injuries. I feel bad for her kids. They certainly can’t be getting the attention they need. But then that’s the problem with those with money. They simply hire a nanny so they can go on living. She hasn’t mentioned a nanny, but I don’t doubt she has one to cook, clean, and care for the kids. I just wonder if I’m ever going to hear from her.

Yes! My blood pressure is damn near perfect. Diastolic is perfect and systolic is close. I’ll take my blood pressure again at the end of the day when it’s supposed to go up and see how much it climbs. The new breathing exercise that Galileo has me doing is supposedly to also help with that.

Took my first dose of Tirosint. I’m guessing it’ll be a week or two before I have any problems if I’m going to.

Good news. It turns out that my friend list wasn’t actually exposed to the public, but the “view as” was broken. I suddenly had a hunch and had Andy check it out and he couldn’t see it. He could only see my followers, which I don’t give a shit about. I don’t even know most of them. What I do give a shit about is them announcing to those I share posts exclusively with or in a group. I never wanted them to know that. It’s been a wake-up call and a reminder that I really do have to be careful when it comes to Facebook. They don’t give a shit about their user’s privacy. Also, any comments I make on a public post are automatically flagged in friends’ newsfeeds, and well, I could go on and on about the privacy violations that go on there. I’m only posting private pics, most of which I’ll delete after I download them to my computer.

I still wonder to this day if the termites ever got my message and if they saw it if they did.

I had this bizarre dream about Toni. We were living attached to each other. We had connecting doors as some hotel rooms have. She often went out in the evenings and I felt compelled to rip her off. Just random little objects like a plate or a cup here and there. Eventually, I realized she contacted the authorities and they were closing in on me. I wondered how I could return the objects without getting caught. Then I realized the best I could do would be to just do nothing and hope I still didn’t get caught. Especially after I’d been milling around her place one night and suddenly realized it was after 10 and she would be back any second.

I slept like a log the night before last, but last night I didn’t sleep as well. Only 6 ½ hours. Anything less than about 7 ½ hours and I’m tired. I’ve still been able to function though.

I had a dream that I had a spot of lip cancer removed from my top lip and then a short while later I had a spot removed from my bottom lip. The doctor was an older guy in a wheelchair.

Then I got up, took my pill, and asked myself, “Did I just take Levothyroxine for the last time?” Well, we’ll see since the Tirosint starts tomorrow! I’m a little hopeful and a lot nervous.

It’s been stormy today, so it’s a nice change and it’s keeping them quiet across the street. They’re still coming and going, so there are still car doors slamming and honking, but I don’t have the motorcycle stress on me. Love that the countdown has now fallen into the teens. That is unless he leaves earlier or later. If not, then we’re about 19 days away from him leaving.

Last night I thought one of their dogs might have been barking even though they were home. I can’t swear it was one of their dogs, but I’m guessing they shut them in one of their lanais so they wouldn’t get in the way of whatever they were doing, and one of them wasn’t happy about it. Pretty fucking rude.

In my early 2000s journals, I wrote about how he was trying to write a handicapping program that could predict winning horses. He came so close but then it was a heartbreaking letdown in the end.

But now it’s 2022. And now he has the three most important ingredients to finish what he started all those years ago. He has a great computer, a great connection, and plenty of time. He’s already been winning small amounts of money. If he could get consistent with winning $40 regularly and then increase the bet tenfold, we could be looking at a lot of money. Maybe not millions, but close to what he was making when he was working.

I want so badly to live close to the beach if not on it. Like within walking distance of it. If I could step out onto the beach every time I got anxious, it may help tremendously. I would still kill to have my parents’ old dock where I could sit out there at night and listen to the ocean waves crash against the walls of that little canal. Well, the more money the horses generated, the more options we would have. Plus, we could use a little more space. We’re not cramped in here like we were in Jesse’s trailer, but a little more space wouldn’t hurt. We don’t need a mansion (I would have to clean all that space), but it sure would be nice if those horses got us a bigger place someday. It’s always nice to have goals to aim for. Trying not to get my hopes up too high with that or the new med, but still…you can’t help but think about it and hope anyway.

Burger King was so good yesterday. So was the Hershey’s chocolate milkshake that I got for the first time. It had a hint of caramel in it that was so damn good. The only part of it that wasn’t good was the acid reflux I had afterward. Plus I had the runs today. I also had the runs yesterday before we left, but I don’t know what caused it then.

My new medication should be here tomorrow but I’ll probably start it the next day. I’m still hopeful but nervous about it and so glad he’s not working! I’d hate to have to be alone to deal with whatever may arise like back at the other place. It was traumatizing enough with people around, but to have to go through what I went through alone as I did was even more traumatizing.

Galileo gave me a link to a breathing video. It’s supposed to reset the nervous system. It’s called the 4-7-8 breathing technique. When the anxiety returns, I’ll try it. I just hope the medication helps! Because it doesn’t have fillers, it’s supposed to keep a more consistent level of the hormone in your body. Galileo and I agreed that we would see how the medication worked first. If it doesn’t help, I’ll try the CBD gummies. If not, I’ll ask for a psychiatrist referral. I really want to keep the shrink as a last resort.

I read the numbering wrong on the first anxiety test I did. I thought it was weird that it said my score was only a 4. After I re-did it, I found it was an 8.

They also shared an article on high cholesterol, which did say that I was right to question the effectiveness of statins. I guess there are certain things they don’t test for in the regular lipid testing they do. Basically, there are no guarantees, but treatment isn’t an option anyway when you’re too sensitive to the side effects. Weight loss is out of the question too, but as I told them, I have been exercising nearly every day. They also recommend the Mediterranean diet, which is supposed to be one of the healthiest in the world. I asked them just how often I can safely have fish. Fish is a big part of that diet and I do love fish. It’s my favorite meat which I could easily stand to eat every day. I just hesitate because I don’t know how safe it is.

OK, they just sent me a link to a list and I also did some research of my own as I learned you can’t take the word of just one doctor. You really have to do your own research. Doc A trying to tell me the medication can’t make me anxious and that it was OK to take magnesium before the four-hour waiting period is proof of that.

Speaking of Doc A, why is she ignoring me? She has never once commented or reacted to any of my posts. I just left a quick audio asking what was up with her and she listened to it but never responded.

So I got a list of different fish from highest mercury to lowest mercury. I have plenty of low-mercury options, fortunately.

I like adding the music option when doing VZfit in the daytime because it drowns out little sounds, keeps me from getting distracted as easily, and feels like I work a little harder. I move more consistently this way as I follow the beat.

I forgot to mention that on our way back, Tom suddenly exclaimed, “Look at that turtle!” But by the time I turned my head, we passed it. He said it was pretty big too, at least a foot. He did some research and I guess they do have some wild turtles here. Anything is better than skunks! Hated that smell with a passion, and I don’t miss it at all.

Once again, Facebook is pissing the shit out of me. I can see how frustrating it is for Andy because he has groups, and now Jessie’s so-called “silly paranoia” makes more sense. If you put it out there, Facebook will share it. First, they piss you off with all the stupid rules you supposedly violated. Then they go and they rearrange everything on you and you have to relearn how to use it and where everything is. Now they’ve gone and made my friend list public, and they’re also continuing to notify people when I share posts with either just them exclusively or a handful of people. I never wanted them to know that shit and I never wanted my friend list made public either. Apparently, Facebook’s goal is to get people to interact with each other. And they think that violating their privacy is going to accomplish that? If you can’t honor my wishes by respecting my privacy and allowing me to use the settings I choose, why would I want to use your site?

I wonder if they’ve ever made my phone number public without me knowing it, and that’s how it’s gotten into the hands of so many spammers and scammers that seem to know my name even though I haven’t had this number for very long. If they haven’t, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they share my number. The thing is I can’t remove it because I need it for verification and recovery purposes should I be hacked. I would definitely get rid of Facebook in a heartbeat if it wasn’t for the Oculus since all I need is Messenger. But Oculus is Facebook and I can’t use it without it.

Not only does the exposed friend list piss me off, but now Tom is exposed. They’ve gone and pointed out his account to Andy, who would definitely be nosy enough to check it out, and whoever else happens to spot it. Tom knows how to ignore people, and I’m pretty sure his account is set up not to accept message requests, but that’s not the point. The point is, why bother to give people the option of hiding it if they’re not going to let them?

I decided that there will be no more posting on Facebook. Again, I don’t need it. I can still comment and react to other people’s stuff, but I’m not posting anything of my own unless it’s private pictures that I want to download to my computer that I delete afterward. They’ve breached my privacy enough and I figure if I don’t put it out there, it can’t be shared.

I wish Shelly would share more of her life with me. I’ve tried reaching out to her more often, but she really is that much of a hermit. Facebook can’t respect anyone’s wishes, but I can respect hers even if I wish she was a little more sociable. She’s just such an interesting person. She’s unique in a lot of ways. At the same time, we seem to have a lot in common from our creative streaks to living a hermit-like existence, although she’s way more of a hermit than I am. There are times she doesn’t go out more than just a couple of times a month. She also doesn’t drive, and she also is supported by her man, only they’re not married. I was shocked to learn that he’s 30 years older. He’s 69 and she’s about to turn 39. When she’s a widow when she’s around my age, I wonder what she’ll do then. How will she take care of herself and how will she get around?

Away we go to the beach! Damn, do I need this too. It’s been too long. An ambulance, cop car, and fire truck were at the house next to Toni again as we headed out.

I’m a little tired, but not too bad. Woke up having to pee and then had trouble falling back to sleep. Then I had to have a coughing fit.

Nervous about starting Tirosint and pissed that Doc A told me that it was OK to take Gennev before 4 hours. Galileo says it is very important to wait 4 hours due to magnesium salts absorbing thyroid hormone. I can now see why I was calm but also so exhausted for much of last year. It was never that I got used to the med after all. But if it’s the fillers and binders that’s been the problem - or part of it - can the magnesium also suck up the fillers and binders?

Galileo finally got my records from Doc A, but not from the ENT and Doc D yet. Sure enough, they saw my cholesterol tests and made a Lipidemia case. They asked if I’d be OK with going to the lab since I said I was changing my diet, but as I told them, I doubt that would do me much good since it hasn’t changed that much, and the numbers can’t be much different. I just can’t give up meat. There is cholesterol in almost everything anyway.

The anxiety assessment test was too generalized. “How many days were you anxious the last two weeks?” Well, that varies from week to week though I answered with “several.” We agreed I’d keep them posted and that they’d give me a shrink referral if need be. Although I don’t see what they could do for me at this point. Tom still thinks the anxiety will go away on its own someday. But when? Right now I still feel pretty hopeless and like I’m gonna struggle with it as long as I live.

I thanked Jessie for letting me pour all my health frustrations on her. “That’s what I’m here for,” she said. I could hug her for that!

Being 50 miles from Cape Canaveral, I was surprised Jessie could hear rocket launches, but she said it wasn’t that loud and only lasted for a few seconds. She said it’s a deep sound, but not loud.

I still chat on and off with Kim and Andy, of course. Connecticut Kim sent a message saying COVID is still in her house. Massachusetts Kim lost a neighbor she was close to. She was her healthcare proxy.

Andy admitted he’s always hated health talk because it upsets him. At this point, I don’t hold it against him. I know he can’t help what upsets him so I get it. There are subjects I definitely don’t like discussing like race and religion. He said one of his SILs is undergoing treatment for cancer and while he listens to her describe it, he doesn’t ask questions because it upsets him.

Gotta admit the guy’s kind of funny with his false facts. He admits that while Putin is an asshole and all that, he’s just defending his country.

But Ukraine doesn’t have any nuclear weapons.

He also says that Ukraine is really a dictatorship country and as soon as North Korea has the power to nuke us, they will. Oh, I don’t doubt that they would if they could, but China keeps them in line. They depend on China for things and China depends on the US.

I finally sent a message the other day to the punk that had the loud car at the old place, thanking him for the years of stress and wake-up calls. I also left a message on his mother Melody’s wall. She allows anyone to comment. Neither of them replied, but Melody deleted the comment.

Carolyn told me she ran into her in the store and learned that her husband had a stroke and can’t speak. I immediately felt bad and also thought of how Tom said he wouldn’t attack those that screwed me in the past if he knew he could get away with it because it wouldn’t unscrew me. Well, it would make me feel better when it comes to Tammy, Sarah, and the black bitch but certainly not Melody and her son. Definitely no sense in holding on to past shit like that. They just annoyed me. They didn’t cost me my freedom, a fortune, and a whole shitload of suffering.

Hard to believe Carolyn doesn’t know where they’re living these days, though. I mean, they’re still living right there, aren’t they? Joy’s got their back and where else would they go anyway? Unless they’re in assisted living, where could they go in that area that’s cheaper?

It bugged me how Carolyn said it was very quiet there. That’s great for her, but so typical. Just so fucking typical. But then it can’t be that quiet there, can it? They’re still going to have regular landscaping, planes, loud traffic close to the house, 4-hour trash pickups, projects galore, etc.

They studied the dying brain of an 87-year-old and found that our lives really do flash before us just as people have reported that temporarily died. Does this mean there really is an afterlife as well?

I don’t know why, since I haven’t gained weight, but my new bras are a bit tight so I got some bra extenders. I should have them soon. The side of my left tit has sore spots at times, so I’m guessing it’s from that. Maybe all the working out too. At least it can’t be cancer. Pretty sure early breast cancer doesn’t hurt. Plus I haven’t lost weight.

The beach was gorgeous! On our way back now. It’s good to get there around 9:00 and head back out at lunchtime when it starts getting crowded. It was partly cloudy and breezy too. No one was obnoxious and even the planes and helicopters were at a minimum. It was low tide and the waves were a little higher. It didn’t tickle my feet, though, to walk on the section that had a lot of shells.

The new beach bag was really helpful. Makes it much easier to sort, find and carry things. I always hide and lock my purse in the trunk, though.

This time we didn’t use sunscreen and I ended up getting quite a sunburn. It’s on my face, upper back, shoulders, arms, and chest. It just goes to show that sunscreen really works!

We charged the car while at the beach and now we’re heading for the fast charger at AAA where I almost got run over.

Galileo left another message while on the beach with another anxiety/depression assessment survey to fill out.

The spoof call block app I installed is totally worthless. One day I had 15 fucking calls, mostly in the state. No way to block unknowns either. You would think that they would have a much better way of dealing with this shit by now. One that’s simple to use and free of charge.

I signed up for Facebook Viewpoints where I can earn points for doing tasks like surveys. It was great till I stopped getting tasks. I’ll have to contact them and see if I can find out why.

Went to CVS a few days ago and to Home Depot for grass seed.

Got a new dusting kit I really like that should save us money by eliminating the need for pricey Swiffers.

Hooked up to the charger now and once we top off the car, it’s off to Burger King. He just got a notice saying that my dermatologist retired. Great. Now I gotta go someplace else for my follow-up.

The rude ass across the street took the motorcycle out a few days ago but now has overnight guests once again, keeping him off the damn thing. There are at least two adults visiting and one child. This is the third time he’s had overnight visitors like this. I don’t think I’ve ever had any neighbors in the past that had overnight guests three times in less than a few months. I swear it’s like mainstream people trying to live a mainstream life in an adult community.

This time a blonde woman with a little girl showed up. A skinny, dark-haired girl has also been with them for a few days but has no vehicle of her own. Tom saw her walking one of the dogs while Carrie walked the other. Looks like she knows the blonde visitor because of the way they hugged each other when she arrived. I saw her in the driveway the other day and thought it was Carrie at first and how she must have lost weight rather quickly.

Three more weeks or less and they should be gone. Yes! If they don’t come down till November rather than October, we’ll have 7 months without them.

Someone was using a reciprocating saw yesterday past Toni’s place. It wasn’t too annoying, though. Not like when Bob used his circular saw, and then the guy across the street.

Had these weird senseless dreams. It was a series of strange scenes. First I was walking on a small frozen pond. The ice had peaks and valleys and wasn’t flat. A split second later it wasn’t frozen and I was swimming in it but it wasn’t cold. It was pretty comfy.

Then a few guys headed my way and I decided to leave, not feeling comfortable with them. Next, I was sitting in a chair somewhere waiting for Tom when I realized I was horny. I pulled a pair of silk panties from a box, slipped them on, and proceeded to do myself. Suddenly, I realized people were milling about and I didn’t have the privacy I thought I had, so I closed my legs and that was that LOL.

I also dreamed we were looking to move and some people that came to look at the place took us for thousands. I don’t know how they managed to do that since they were the ones that were supposed to be paying us, but still. So I looked at Tom and said, “Are we looking at being stuck in an apartment?”

He kind of had a dubious expression on his face to suggest we might be, and I said, “Oh no, I refuse to do the apartment scene again!”

I have some exciting news! So much so that it’s like my brain “blew up” with shock when I read the message from Galileo because I was just so stunned. My brain buzzed with excitement, hope, and caution. They consulted with their thyroid experts and recommend I try Tirosint. This still has the same active ingredient of T4, but without as many of the binders and fillers as Levothyroxine. It also helps you absorb it easier so your levels don’t fluctuate, which may explain why my anxiety comes and goes.

Because it’s not a generic brand, we may have to pay for it and I guess we have to order it through the mail from a pharmacy in Mississippi since Walgreens doesn’t stock it. I’ll do ANYTHING to get back to my old self and get rid of this horrible feeling! I’ve always known this wasn’t normal for me, and I’ve always suspected the medication. But I’m so afraid to get my hopes up as excited as I am after so many things have been a bust. I’m so sensitive to medication and always have a problem so I’m trying not to be too hopeful. Even so, it’s kind of hard not getting a bit excited with hopes of it ending this shit.

Galileo said to call them and see if they carry the 88 micrograms they recommend I start with. If they do, they’ll write me a prescription for it. But it’s Sunday, so probably going to have to wait till tomorrow.

I wonder why I haven’t heard of this stuff before. Why didn’t Doc O or anyone else bring it up? Is it something new? We never even came across it in our research. The only alternative to Levothyroxine that I knew about was Armor.

Here’s some potentially good news I just found. Why did I do so well over the summer? I asked myself. Well, more investigation suggests that because I was taking Gennev when it was time to have my coffee, I really did block the absorption of the poison. That would explain why I had so many months where I was exhausted but didn’t have anxiety. Also, certain types of iron and cholesterol meds can block the absorption of thyroid hormone. So it isn’t just calcium and vitamin C that can block the absorption and it was never that I got used to it, but that I wasn’t getting as much of the poison into my system. Again, I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up and I’m trying not to, but it’s starting to make a little sense. It could very well explain why I have some better times than others.

Also, a Japanese study suggests that chubby people live longer than skinny people. I was surprised because I can’t think of anyone really big that died in their 90s. But then the queen was big and she made it to 93 while the poodle wasn’t that big and only made it to 80.

Anyway, I have a lot more to write about, but I’m saving it for the road. The tentative plan is to go to the beach on Tuesday.