We ended up getting 8-10 inches of snow yesterday. UPS should still make it in ok with the headboard since Tom cleared a path. I’ve been up since midnight, so with my shit luck, the thing will come after I’ve gone to bed. At worst, I have just one more night without it and we assemble it in the morning.

Any second now next door will make the first of their many trips in and out. I still don’t see how she can work if she slams in and out of here between 10 AM and midnight as she does. She stays in for a few hours between the late afternoon and early evening hours as well as the early and later morning hours, but still, I wish she’d either stay out or stay in! I just don’t see why one or two people need to open and close doors half a dozen times when coming and going.

She may be a piece of cake to live with compared to most neighbors I’ve had, but she’s still your typical rude Western neighbor. The bitch shoveled the snow from in front of her door and onto our back porch just up top the steps. Tom rarely goes up the back steps, as she probably knows, but it is still a rude thing to do. She could’ve put the snow alongside the houses or something.

A big fuel truck pulled up and pulled a hose down the driveway and did something at the very back corner of the house next door. They were only here for a few minutes, but I wonder what it is they could’ve done?

I still don’t understand. Coming to this state may’ve been a mistake weather-wise, but we came here to escape people’s bullshit. Instead, we’re right back in the midst of it all over again. I was hoping the fact that it’s so much quieter here than the duplex meant that the noise curse is slowly coming off since the stage is set for chaos and no one’s causing any yet, but then I said, Nah. Maricopa was quieter than Phoenix, but then the noise curse was on again as soon as we came here, so I know better than to think we’ve escaped the past forever. Old shit really does have a way of finding us, so I’m sure we’ll live in plenty of noisy places if this place doesn’t get noisy before we leave it. I’d still like to move because of the spiders and lack of space, but being in a tilted shoebox filled with spiders is nothing compared to the duplex and Phoenix, so if we can’t get out in March it won’t be such a big deal unless trouble’s moved in by then.

I won my 5th bottle of lotion. I hope I get them all! I can’t believe I’ve hit instants 4 nights in a row! Someone once posted a message saying that nighttime seemed a better time to hit instants. I’d say this is definitely true! I don’t know why, since everything’s predetermined and set to allow only so many winners after so many entries, but I know I do seem to win more of those at night than in the daytime.

Boy, this really is one small town! I just saw this old, hideously ugly snot-green van go by that I know lives on Shasta. It’s bright green and yellow and really stands out. It lives towards the bottom of the hill, far from where we used to live. I am soooooo glad I’m not there right now! I pity whoever is there unless they’re so damn noisy themselves or at least don’t mind noise.

Incredibly, I’m up to 30 views. Who are all these people checking me out?

Later…

The headboard arrived surprisingly early at 11:45. The 61-pound box felt like 661 pounds! It was a bitch to unpack and took me a while, but it was worth it. I got a good workout. Plus, I figure it’s only fair since Tom’s going to assemble it.

Tomorrow’s the big day. That last day of the month when I’m most likely to win something other than instants. Hope it’s another multi-hundred-dollar item if not more!

It’s been snowing for hours and the grass is nearly covered. Argh! I have such mixed emotions about the weather/moving. I still say I want to go where it’s warm and get settled someplace for at least a decade ASAP so we can start building up equity. Yet I love the peace and quiet this miserable weather brings, and I too, like the variety and adventure of moving, even if it is a pain in the ass. And now we’ve got the sweeps to factor in, too. Just as long as we’re never connected to anyone again! White, black, Mexican; they all make terrible neighbors if they’re ours, although the whites aren’t as bad and can usually be reasoned with.

We’ve revised our money plans so we can move in March when the lease is up. I think I’ll want to do that even if it doesn’t get any noisier. I just hate the lack of space, the tilted floors and all the spiders the warmer weather brings, though it’s nothing compared to what we went through at the duplex, and therefore, not moving then won’t be such a big deal. Meanwhile, we’ll each take $50 a week for fun, plus anything we save in groceries, plus any overtime he gets. My next goal is a Tonner doll of some kind, and Tom’s going to get me tons of oils and a new camera in exchange for the guitar.

I’m not out of incense or oils, but I love variety so much that I can’t wait to order! I’ll be ordering in a couple of weeks. Plus, they’re running a sale till the end of the year where everything’s 25% off. If I do an order of $150, I get free shipping, plus 4 free samples. I’m going to try lots of new scents, plus grab a few of my old favorites. I plan to get: Aloha, Angel Cake, Angel Wings, Baby Powder, Banana Taffy, Berry Blast, Beverly Hills 273 Rodeo Drive, Blueberry, Brown Sugar, Bubble Bath, Buttercream, Candy Corn, Chestnut Brown Sugar, Chocolate Chip Cookie, Chocolate Covered Strawberries, Cinnamon Jasmine, Coco Mango, Coconut, Coffee Cake, Cotton Candy, Cranberry, Cream Brulee, Creamsicle, Creamy Sweet Floral, Dazzling Gold, Dazzling Silver, Deep Red, Downy April Fresh, Eat it Raw, Egg Nog, English Toffee, Envy, Fcuk Her French Connection, Fireside, French Toast, Fresh Baked Bread, Fresh Cake, Frosted Snow, Geranium, Giorgio, Graham Cracker, Grape, Green Leaf & Bamboo, Hazelnut, Hollyberry, Honey, Hugo (sticks for Paula), Hypnotic Poison, Iris, Jasmine, Jelly Bean Tarts, Licorice, Milk Chocolate, Minty Patchouli, Miracle, Mochaccino, Moonlight Path, Musk, Nut Medley, Nutmeg, Oatmeal Cookie, Oreo Cookie, Ocean Breeze, Orchid, Patchouli Ylang Ylang, Peony, Pineapple Supreme, Pink, Pink Lace, Pink Sugar, Pussy, Raspberry, Red #2, Red Door, Red Giorgio, Secret Crush, Smores, So Pink, Spearmint, Storm Watch, Strawberries & Champagne, Strawberry Cheesecake, Sugar, Sugar Cookie, Sugarplum, Sweet Mango, Swiss Miss Cocoa, Tulip, Vanilla Musk, Very Sexy, Very Vanilla, Violet & Yellow Silk.

I have a good variety of perfumes, fruits, sweets, flowers and more. I hope I won’t miss incense sticks, but if I do I’ll just get a bunch of blanks and put up with the residue they leave. It’s just that it’s not convenient to change scents as easily with the burner, and especially with the warmer.

I get $50 every Friday and have decided to put the $50 I get on the last Friday of each month towards a spring trip to the department store, which we’ll do in the middle of the night when there aren’t any crowds to annoy us. By then the truck will be up and running again.

Unbelievably, I’ve hit my 30th win. I started the month with 18 wins and last night I hit 30! I had two nights where I hit instant wins twice, even if most of it is crap I don’t want. I got another iTune, my fourth bottle of lotion, and a King Kong collectible poster. Sometimes you just gotta get stupid instants in order to be registered for the grand prize which is usually something everybody wants.

I’ve now supposedly earned a small iPod, but I still doubt I’ll get it from these people. The last thing we did to give me the 1000 points required was to do a 30-day trial of AOL. We figured that since it’s been since Phoenix since we’ve had AOL it would be pretty cool by now, but we weren’t at all impressed. If anything, it caused us computer problems.

Later…

I went out and shoveled the walkway and even the porch, since the snow is blowing into it, but will probably do it again before I crash with the way it’s continually coming down. It’s getting awfully MA-like, though I haven’t even heard a car stereo today. Just vehicle motors and train whistles.

She just came out to clean her car off so she could take off. Why it took 6 door slams to do it, though, beats me. Especially since she’s alone. And who the hell was she talking to? In the bathroom, I heard her speak a few times very softly and never heard a response, so I guess she’s just one of those strange self-talkers. She certainly appeared to be alone when she pulled out.

This rat gets around more than any other rat we’ve ever had. She’s still lots of fun, but she can be a downright pest! She’s always begging for attention and to be let out to roam around, and when she does, she falls in the toilet and climbs the microwave’s cord to try to get onto the counter. That one hasn’t been successful yet! Sometimes I wish her house wasn’t where I work and that she’d sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. At least she doesn’t piss like Blondie. I guess being a female and all, she’s not naturally as territorial.

I’m afraid my palm tree is dying. After doing so well for so long, I must admit I’m a bit surprised. It really sucks too, after I fought so hard to save this little tree. It’s a slow process, but I recognize the signs after losing two other palms. It will take several months, but it will die for sure. Next time around, I’ll get a fake palm for damn sure! I kind of miss having a banana palm, too.

Later…

I just got a win notice for the Court TV Clean Getaway Sweeps. It’s just a $10 cleaning kit, but it’s better than a damn King Kong poster! Besides, things always need to be cleaned at some point, so I’m sure I could use it. It was a 3-star premium sweep and I was one of 250 to get this prize. I had to print out an affidavit to fill out and send in. I couldn’t imagine why the affy for such a small prize, but then I realized it was in case I won the grand prize.

Some people say they win more premium sweeps, others say they win more regulars. Well, I don’t know just which I’m winning more of lately, but I do know that the $30 I spent to go premium was well worth it because I’m winning a zillion times more! A lot of them do seem to be premiums, too.

My ear has gotten so bad. Tons of popping and pressure. I hope I survive one more week till I can see the doctor! And I hope he helps me and doesn’t charge us a fortune to do so!

For the first time ever, I hit two instant wins! My third bottle of lotion and a $10 iTunes card. I wonder if I’d win this much if I weren’t psychic.

This is the deadest Friday I’ve seen around here what with today being the biggest shopping day of the year.

Despite it being cold and rainy, we went to the grocery store earlier. A black chick saw me sharing Tom’s umbrella with him and said she thought I was a child sharing an umbrella with her dad at first. I told her I was to be 40 soon. She was shocked and told me she was 38.

I called Paula. She was her usual self – hyper, switching subjects rapidly, and anxious. I guess that lady cop is still harassing her and that she got caught driving again. I asked her why she doesn’t just go get a license and she said they wouldn’t give her one. She says she’s sending something for my birthday and to get her the Hugo Boss she loves. I told her I’d get her 100 sticks anyway. I don’t need oils, but I want variety and to try new scents, so I’ll probably be making an order soon enough.

She also says the lady above her drives her crazy by stomping, and that her toe’s been worse since they operated on it. I guess they had to remove a bunion and they put a pin in it, too.

And another instant win! God, this is incredible. I won a $10 Disney certificate. I ordered the Then and Now Barbie that celebrates Disney’s 50th anniversary with both a modern and a vintage outfit with Disney themes. Mickey Mouse and Tinkerbell are on the newer shirt.

Tom cooked the turkey last night and it came out good. We’re going to make a casserole out of everything but the legs, wings, and skin.

I’m up to an incredible 14 views. I can’t imagine who all the viewers could possibly be. But will any gold members ever read my full Q&A and see my pictures? Are there even any gold members to begin with?

I’m dead centered on nights now, so that means I can’t sleep without an occasional wake-up call from our local hear-me obsessors. Will we ever escape these city animals??? Although I’ve had my share of surprises in life, I doubt it. I’ve been on my own for 20 years now and just 5 of it was spent in the country. That alone tells me something. I know I was meant to be in the city. I just wish it could be a bigger one if God won’t allow me to leave the city, so we could have a bigger variety of stores at our fingertips. I also wish it was in a warmer climate since we can’t live in peace anyway. At least it’s quieter than the duplex was, and we’re not attached to anyone!

I’m amazed to be up to 8 views at Classmates. Could that many people remember me, even though I was out of town by the time I was a sophomore? I suppose that with Dureen O’s eagerness to share with the town that her crazy daughter cut herself and jumped out of a window, they certainly would remember me after all. I still can’t believe she told the entire town she had me funny-farmed and that I jumped. And this was someone who always stressed her being against my telling too much about myself to others, but I always did say she was a hypocrite for a reason now, didn’t I? I’ve long since stopped caring who knew/thought what, but I sure am curious as to who my viewers are! It’s too bad I can’t find that out, though I’d still bet on Lori, Lisa or both of them.

Tom heard there’s now a pill available that’ll make your hair either straight or curly. If I can get a hold of that thing and we can afford it, you bet I’m going straight! I don’t know if you have to take it regularly, though, or if it’s a one-time shot. There’s also to be a pill that’ll eliminate gray, too.

What I don’t get is why there isn’t yet a pill to break down and dissolve fat. I’d love to melt down to 110-115, then not worry about what I ate till I hit 130, then drop back down, and back and forth.

I hit another instant win. It was just a dumb family board game, but it still amazes me to know that I’ve had 5 wins in the last week between this game, two bottles of lotion, movie tickets, and an MP3 download!

Up to 4 views now at Classmates. Interesting.

My ear continues to annoy me and I continue to wonder if I’ll ever be able to live without chronic pain. It doesn’t seem likely after all this time. I’ve decided not to bother with my teeth after dealing with my ear. It’d simply take too much time and money to deal with. Especially money. We’ll never get ahead if I put hundreds of dollars in my mouth like that, and if I did deal with it, there’d only be something else.

I could tell by the amount of barking that it was warmer today. It was in the upper 50s.

I won another bottle of lotion. I hope I get it and the other one.

Tom likes the guitar so much that he wants to “buy” it from me. 

Okay. Why not?

They gave everybody at work a turkey just like last year, so we’ll make that up over the weekend. This year we got a bag that you bake it in to help seal in the juices.

Still no clue as to whether or not he really stands a significant chance at a partnership or if something up there just wants to tease us with the possibility, but he should get a bigger bonus this year from what he’s heard. Last year he got a $25 Fred Meyer certificate and this year it’s to be $50.

We got the guitar today. It’s ugly and very cockish, but it should eventually bring us a few hundred dollars at least. Tom’s going to enjoy playing it through the computer till it comes time to sell it. We saved the box and packing so we can repack it easily enough.

Tom’s X-box will arrive tomorrow, so he’s really excited about that even though he’s still sick.

My last story that I sent to Mary was returned. Figures, huh? They said it was because there’s a 5-page limit of printed pages. I don’t know if they really mean 5 sheets, but since when is this the case? Fucking jails, always changing and adding new rules! I think it was really a case of the person being too lazy to take the time to read it since they have that policy where they have to read incoming mail. Besides, it makes them feel more in control and all-powerful if they do shit like this and waste someone 4 stamps like they did, even if Mary’s 10 stamps more than makes up for it. I told Mary I wasn’t about to play any more mail games with that damn place, so since she’s so sure that she has no more than 3 years to go, I’ll send her anything I’ve written at that time. I figured I’d burn her a CD of my stories and pictures. I assured her that the pictures would look much better on a computer than printed on paper anyway. I just hope she’ll have regular access to a computer when she gets out, since it may be a while before she gets her own.

I also asked that she not pester me so much once she’s out, in the nicest way I could, and I let her know that the more we do for ourselves, the more independent we feel, and that’s a good feeling. I just hate to do favors for others and I try not to ask favors of others myself unless I have no choice, simply because I know that that way no one ends up feeling guilty or used in the end. Besides, I won’t have a whole lot of free time to cater to her because I expect to sweep for the rest of my life! And I’m not going to let cruel fate press the pause button on it for a few weeks or a few months, and make me have to start all over again! As it is, I started up again with Webshots, but because it’s been under a year since I was last a premium member, I didn’t lose any pictures. I just couldn’t get some of them for the last 10 months. Once we get a new camera, I’ll eventually upload photo albums, too. It’s good to store pictures online. I wish it were as easy to store my documents and MP3s there, too.

Anyway, as far as Mary’s begging for favors goes, I understand why she does it. First she was her mother’s puppet, then she was a slave to men, and now the jail has owned her for 5, nearly 6 years. She simply doesn’t know how to fend for herself and make her own decisions. Like me, she wasn’t given much of a chance to. In fact, she’s been more of a puppet/slave than I ever was.

Last night I hit an instant win and won a 10-oz. bottle of lotion. Since I have so much lotion right now, I jokingly said to Tom that not only do the rich get richer while the poor get poorer, but the well-lotioned gets more lotion as well! I still hope I get it because some of the smaller wins obviously don’t show up. It’s neat to know that since I became a premium member, I’m now winning something every few days, even if it’s mostly piddly crap.

We ordered a black platform and a Woodland oak headboard with shelves. It may be several weeks before they arrive, but I’m looking forward to it after a year and a half of sleeping on the floor! The shelves are going to be so nice too, to use in place of a nightstand.

Well, Coconilla’s history. She bit me so she's been returned. I can’t believe this rat could be so calm and friendly-seeming in the store just to turn out to be such a bitch. Once I saw that she refused to be handled, I knew she wouldn’t change.

Tinkerbell continues to be the exact opposite. She’s playful, energetic, loving and quite demanding of my attention. She loves to play in the bedroom lately. Hopefully, she won’t chew my new comforter. I have to keep her out of the bathroom because I caught her on the side of the tub and she could get hurt jumping off. She could also fall into the toilet.

It took me a few days, but I managed to teach her to climb up and down my legs when sitting at the computer. Only this little stick of dynamite won’t sit for hours on my lap and go to sleep. Maybe when she gets old she will.

The for-sale sign next door has been taken down, though Tom’s sure it isn’t because it’s sold, but because they’ve given up on this realtor and are going to go with someone else. He said the sign is down at the other house he showed me that was for sale in the area, and it was managed by the same realtor. Tom believes that if they were stubborn enough to hold out as long as they did on the first realtor, then they’ll probably do the same with a second one, figuring that the house hasn’t sold yet not because they were asking a ridiculous price for it, but because the first realtor was bad. Well, I hope they’re so damn determined to get the crazy amount they’ve got it set at that they’re willing to wait a decade if that’s how long it’ll take to sell the place, but I’m sure it’ll be sold by the spring and I’ll be the one to have to deal with it.

I’m surprised to have 3 views so far at classmates.com, though they can’t see the photos I posted or the Q&A I filled out unless they’re gold members. I’d bet just about anything that Lori or Lisa was one of the people to check up on me. Could be Brenda P or Lauren K as well, but I can’t believe Lori or Lisa would see my name and simply bypass it no matter how crazy they think I am or how much they hate me due to any rumors they may’ve heard about me, true or false, or for calling their mom and her second husband, or for sharing a piece of my mind with their sick dad. They may’ve actually got a kick out of the letter I sent their dad, though, half a decade or so ago. He wasn’t just mean to me and Tammy, he was mean to everyone. Particularly women. He’s just like his nephew in that department; they may prefer to bed down with women, but they’re true gays at heart otherwise, always preferring the company of men over women. I know without a doubt in my mind that Larry wouldn’t have been nearly as crushed had it been Jenny who died 8 years ago rather than Larry Jr.

Anyway, the thing I find hilarious about it is that it’s going to get to Ronnie that I said I had kids, then it’ll get to Larry, then it’ll get to Doe and Art. If Larry’s dumped them again, it’ll still find its way to them. My business always does. I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see the shocked and confused expressions on their faces when it does! Then again, I think seeing them, even secretly as a fly, would make me rather ill.

I wonder if Misha, who would now be 40, ever had the kids she wanted. Did she get her boyfriend to give her any? Did she have to go man-hopping like Madonna did in order to get pregnant? Did she simply fail to conceive? Or did she change her mind and decide to keep her freedom and her money for herself? Then again, the poor girl could be doing prison time for all I know. Drug charges aren’t taken too lightly in Arizona, not that much ever is. I think they got her for running an escort service, too.

Mary says that although she loves men, she knows she doesn’t have to be with one to be okay. We’ll see when she gets out, cuz I say she’ll go back to taking up with the wrong guys and that she’ll have a kid each year till she gets too old to conceive. It’s all she knows, and these are the kinds of guys that can’t think rationally. If a man can think, he’s highly likely to insist on birth control or some form of controlled sex. Not the guys she digs. The kids are the weapon to use against her as far as they’re concerned.

I’m typing this entry on my new office chair. Oh, how nice it is to be on wheels again and to be able to swivel and lower the level of the seat! The only catch is that I’m facing downhill, so I sort of slump forward. Maybe when Tom gets over his cold he can help me rearrange the room.

I don’t understand why I can’t prevent Tom from colds like I can myself. It’s coming up on 9 years now since I’ve had a cold.

The bed came yesterday. Although I don’t regret getting it, it’s not quite as comfortable as the airbed and doesn’t distribute body weight as evenly as air and waterbeds do, but it’s still a fine bed and certainly more comfortable than most beds. It’s heavy too, so perhaps it won’t slip so easily when it’s on a platform. I sort of wish it were a bit lower-density foam, but that’s the kind that breaks down too fast like the foam that ran around and between the airbags of the bed we had in Arizona. This bed has a 20-year warranty. I wouldn’t mind sleeping on it till I’m 60 if we don’t lose it before then (what I mean by that is that we’re either moving up in life to stay, or we’ll continue to build ourselves up just to get kicked down over and over again). The memory foam which is attached to the regular foam part (it’s 6” in all), doesn’t seem to work well, probably because it’s too thin. If I didn’t know any better I’d think it was all regular foam, but it sure beats RV or jail mattresses! It’ll just be all the better and complete once I have the platform and headboard/shelves.

The rats are doing well. Tinkerbell still doesn’t climb up my leg, but she climbs down now. We never had a rat this jealous before in our lives! She is one spoiled little attention-lover! Coco still won’t let me pick her up without squealing, but she’s started coming out of the cage. She hops in and out and goes back and forth. Meanwhile, Tinkerbell just loves me. She perks her ears up and comes running when I call her or go near the cage.

Tom made me an appointment to get my ear cleaned, but I won’t be able to get in for a few weeks, the day after my birthday. I just hope this doctor knows what he’s doing and can cure the pressure and popping I’ve had for so long now! Then God can give me some whole new long-term problem.

Now that I’ve got glasses to help me see fine things, I’ve been able to sew easier. I beheaded both Falling Star and Murganah because their bodies were poorly put together. Very disproportionate and unstable. Their heads, however, make nice figurines. Actually, Falling Star ends just below the collarbone and Murganah ends just below the boobs. Meanwhile, I adjusted Murganah’s clothes to fit the Tonners. Did a damn good job if I do say so myself. I made a jumpsuit out of Murganah’s pants and took in the skirt and blouse.

I received a large paperback from The Human Kindness Foundation that Mary told me about. It’s not very interesting, but I might be able to trade or sell it. It’s basically geared toward helping prisoners do an easier time.

I got letters from Paula and Mary.

Paula thanked me for the CDs and incense. She had surgery on her toe. They put a pin in it, I guess, and she’s been in pain.

She’s also seeing a 55-year-old bus driver who’s a Puerto Rican. I guess he’s separated right now. She says his age doesn’t matter so long as he knows how to work it. This girl has a man’s appetite for sex as Tom has a woman’s appetite. Then again, Tom has no appetite. I hate to say it, but I’m glad. I simply have no desire for sex anymore than he does.

Because it had been a while, I figured Mary would hit me for a favor soon enough, and she did. Her brother recently married a woman from Thailand and now they’re getting divorced because she only married him to stay in the country. Well, because he’s so down and out about it she wanted me to send him the Misfits shirt we never got and enclosed 10 stamps to do it with. Again she jumped the gun, so again she loses since I can’t send her stamps back. I explained to her that the shirt we got had nothing to do with the Misfits and only had the company’s name and logo that was running the sweep, and not to ever assume I’d give up my wins. It was nice of her to send the stamps, but rude to assume I’d just give up a win like that. Again I suggested she wait till I gave her an answer to her requests, but hey, that’s just more stamps for me. From now on, though, forget about bragging about my wins to her! Not if she’s only going to expect me to send them to those she knows who are having a rough time in life.

Mary also reminded me that the media’s full of shit and explained the real reason Monster is in the funny farm. It isn’t because he’s incompetent, as I always suspected, but because he nearly succeeded in killing himself and the jail doesn’t want to be held responsible should he succeed the next time around. She says, however, that no matter what happens, they can’t keep her in there for more than 3 more years. I almost dread the day she’s released. What kind of a pest will she be then?

I just can’t believe her at times! How can someone be so generous and so rude at the same time? She’s too generous. Therefore, she wants others to do her generosity for her when she can’t. I just don’t understand her. She says she can’t ask for help with her problems yet she has no problem asking people for things and to do this and to do that. What’s the difference?

I can’t believe she hasn’t moved yet next door, but it is winter and people don’t move as much during the winter. I just don’t want to lose her if the worst she’s going to do is annoy me every so often. She doesn’t annoy me nearly as much as they did with their damn doors at the duplex. If we were suddenly attached to her, though, all that would change. It’s a Western thing, I guess since people out west just don’t seem to make good neighbors for the most part. Put her adjacent to us and I’m sure she’d be anything but kind and considerate. I’ve had way more neighbors in the west than I had in the east, yet only a few of the eastern neighbors were bad while only a few western ones were good.

Yesterday turned out to be a fun day. We caught the bus downtown and learned that on Saturdays it’s only a quarter per person, but we didn’t have any change so we paid a buck. During the week it’s a buck a person.

Our first stop was a discount store where I got 3 mauve bath towels, 2 sports bras, and a tablecloth of blue geraniums and purple tulips.

Then we stopped at KFC before heading to the pet store. Normally we get male rats because our experience with lady rats hasn’t been great. One died the day after we got her, the other turned out crazy. However, the instant I approached the cage where the females were kept, which was next to the males, I knew I had to have Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell’s a cute little brown rat and seemed really friendly and curious from the get-go. I also picked out Coconilla, named for her chocolate brown and vanilla cream colorings. Although they both were fine with being held in the store while we waited for the girl to fetch us a box for them, Coco’s been rather shy here at home. Not aggressive, thank God, but shy. The girl at the store said they turn any aggressive ones into feeders. Serves them right! Anyway, I wouldn’t mind if Coco never wanted to come out, since having to entertain Tinkerbell outside of the cage is enough! She is one awesome rat! She’s very playful and affectionate. I never thought any rat would make me happy again after losing Blondie, but Tom said he figured they would. I still miss Blondie, though Tinkerbell’s quite a hit.

They were in with two other rats, and one of the good things about stores like this is that they take the time to tame the animals by paying regular attention to them. One of them was even raised by someone like Blondie. The big chain stores, however, like Petco and PetSmart, who deal with so much quantity, simply don’t have the time to tend to all their pets, so they’re only good for getting things like fish and supplies.

Tinkerbell’s about 5 months old and Coconilla’s about 3. Coco was the smallest of the 4 ladies, and since she’s been eating like crazy since we got her here, we’re thinking the others bullied her out of eating much. I know Tinkerbell takes food from her so I make it a point to serve plenty. I just love Tinkerbell. She’s a lot of fun. She may sit with me when she gets older and loses some of her spunk, though she does a combination of sitting with me, playing with me, and running around the place. And this has been going on since day one. Usually, it takes them time to warm up to you and to want to come out. I haven’t taught her how to climb my leg when I’m sitting in my chair, though she may one day figure that out on her own like Blondie did, though she runs up to my chair when I’m not on the floor with her and I scoop her up for a few minutes, then put her back down so she can run around some more.

Tom set up the bigger cage with the bars spaced closer together since there was no way I could keep them in the other one. Neither of them is interested in wheeling, but the wheel makes a good door prop. That’s the sucky thing as far as the design of this cage goes. This door opens inward while the other swings out and down, making a little ramp for them.

We had to wait 15 minutes for the bus back, and because it was in the low 40s, I was glad there were two of them to keep each other warm. We took the wrong bus too, so we had to walk up from downtown, but being right on the edge of downtown, it only took a few minutes.

The buses sure have evolved since I was taking them regularly 15 years ago. The buses here have cloth-covered padded seats.

The only bad news going on right now, which is nothing compared to past bad things we’ve had to deal with is that one of my dolls broke a leg and a pinky finger. Fortunately, it wasn’t a favorite of mine and was easy enough to hide by throwing her in a long gown.

Also, my ear has been driving me nuts as usual. If Tom can’t find anyone who will help me (he’s going to make some calls tomorrow from work during lunch) then I’ll just assume it was meant to be and I’ll learn to live with it somehow. I know God would be oh so proud of me if I hurt myself somehow on my own, but I’m just not ready to go that far. Having no choice but to give in to the fate He lays out for me is one thing, but deliberately going along with it is another.

I finished my daily sweeps early today so I don’t have much else to do. I know I won’t get a DVD today since they’re so damn slow at sending them. It’s like they don’t want us to get more than our money’s worth and like they want to prolong our membership. Guess they know that once people go through their queue list, they’re done with them. At least for a while anyway.

We’ve agreed to take the bus to this locally owned store that had a good selection of animals back up by where we used to live. As much as I miss Blondie, living without rats just isn’t me. I don’t care when we move, I want my rats!

I still wish the neighbor wouldn’t make so many trips in and out since she seems to load things into the car so much of the time, which calls for several door slams in a row. I can see it’s just her coming and going, too. The only time she doesn’t seem to load stuff up is at night. At night she has that guy with her, too. I can’t imagine what she could be loading up so often. I mean, her place can only hold so much. I kind of wish she was home all the time, but if she was she’d have tons of company, and that could be worse. At least she doesn’t have a boom stereo. You just can’t get those turned down too easily because that’s the whole reason behind them. They’re not bothering to blast their music across the street not because they suddenly stopped enjoying music, but because they know others won’t hear it with it being too cold to open their windows to let the sound out. It’s utterly freezing out there right now and it’s been damp and foggy all day, too. It’s about 30º.

My ear is getting worse so Tom’s going to call on Monday and hopefully be able to make an appointment for me. My worst fear is not being able to find anyone around here who can help me, but if that’s the case, then I guess I was just meant to suffer and that I’ll just have to live with it and hope for the best.

My new comforter is due today, so since all I have to do is wait for that and watch for new sweeps that come out, perhaps I’ll check out Heart of the Forest, the story I started before I got my last story idea and wanted to jump on it while it was fresh in my mind. I started Heart of the Forest early on in our 10-month duplex stay.

Later…

Maybe she suddenly did decide to stay home all the time because now she does have company. A maroon car I’ve never seen before. I heard a few car doors like maybe there were a few people in it. I thought I saw it there earlier, but only for a few minutes. Someday, someday we won’t be living on top of someone else’s driveway. I hope this loading up of stuff isn’t her finally moving and I hope these people aren’t here to see the place. At least they don’t have a stereo if they are moving in, but then again maybe they do. They wouldn’t blast it till they moved in. They always creep in quietly, then just when you think they’ll be okay, they may as well scream to the neighborhood, “I have arrived! I am here!” And then we have to hear their every goddamn move. I’m just always so paranoid this chick will move. I don’t want to swap in something that’s a little annoying for something that could be a real nightmare.

Meanwhile, my comforter came and looks way more gorgeous in person than online. Shiny things don’t photograph that well. It’s quite glittery alright! The way it sparkles makes it look like there are more colors than there are. There’s purple, magenta, blue, green and gold.

Oh, the car’s gone. I didn’t even hear them leave. Maybe they were just picking stuff up. I hope they weren’t helping her move, whoever they are. But I know she is going to move out before we do and that next door is going to move in before we move out, and they won’t have no little poodle or pomeranian. No, they’ll have a dog that’s at least 40 or 50 pounds.

Well, the time has come to deal with this ear and teeth of mine. I know I may be defying and pissing off God since He gets off on my suffering, but it’s ok because He can give me a whole new long-term problem to deal with after I square this one away, and I know He will. For now, I’m tired of this shit and I’m ready to deal with it and move on. I’m now getting about $400 a month in spending money. I’ll use half of it for a dentist and an ear doctor. Tom found an ear doctor who does ear surgery, so we’re hoping they can at least clean artificial canals. We’re still not sure if it’s the ear or teeth. Had the pain been on the other side that would’ve ruled the ear out since I have cavities everywhere, but being on the side of the bad ear, I don’t know what to think. Although I know it has to be one or the other, nothing I can think of makes sense. If it’s just a long-term build-up of dead skin that that ear doesn’t produce enough wax to shed and carry out, why aren’t the oil treatments softening it? If it’s the teeth, why is the pain only on one side? If it’s an infection, why don’t I have some of the symptoms that go along with infections like a fever? All I know is that I’m so backed up in bodily repairs right now that it’s going to cost thousands of dollars to fix! After I deal with this shit, then hopefully – hopefully – we’ll never be so poor again that I can’t afford to see doctors for regular check-ups. I don’t care to have yearly female exams, because I know I can trust my intuition on that, but I need to keep up on the ear and teeth with all the problems they cause. I just hope whatever the next problem is stays below the neck! Meanwhile, I wish I could get the canal sewn shut, my teeth replaced with dentures, and my uterus yanked out!

Just for the hell of it and because I was curious to see if it would draw any response, I registered at classmates.com. The good thing about it is that since I’m not a gold member, which costs a few bucks a month, no one can bother me in any way, which is a good thing because I’m not interested in buddying up with anyone I once knew. Especially with me being 3000 miles away since New Englanders rarely move. I’m sure that of those within the class of ’84, I could count those who moved out of state on one hand. Most people are closer than I ever was to their families and they tend to have a better selection of friends than I had at the time, so they wouldn’t be as quick to run cross country and not look back. I won’t bother telling Tom about it because knowing him since I gave mostly bullshit answers on the Q&A, he’ll fear the cops coming after me. He’s so paranoid at times that I’m surprised he had no objections to my ordering books in a bogus name, though I assured him I’d only do it once. I just thought it would be funny for gold members to read that I make over $200,000 a year, have a couple of kids, etc. Of course, if things continue to go well, everything I said, though I did mostly state the truth since most of the questions were personality-geared, all the BS could become a reality, except for the kids. Since I was out of the local school system before I was a sophomore, I was surprised to get one view so far, but Lori and Lisa are members, so it was probably one of them. It could’ve been Brenda P. She and I were friends for a while till we drifted apart. What’s confusing is that there’s an Elisa G as well as a Lisa G. Well, Lisa’s full name is Elisa, and there were no other Gs in town except for Nana and Pa, so I’m pretty sure they’re both her. The funny thing is that she said she had 3 kids as Elisa and 2 as Lisa. Anyway, whoever it was that viewed me obviously wasn’t a gold member because the thing said my photos and full Q&A were not accessed. As a non-gold member, all you can see is the person’s marital status and how many kids they’ve got. I was surprised at just how many don’t have kids since they were young before the women and work movement got so heavily underway.

They weren’t kidding by saying that this part of town is snowier being closer to the lake. It snowed all day on Monday. We ended up with 3-4 inches. Last winter it would be pretty much gone by noon, yet most of the shit has yet to melt. It started drizzling a bit from what I can see, so maybe more of it will melt. I hate the cold and snow, but it sure keeps the dogs quiet. I haven’t heard anybody’s music either and even the car stereos have lessened.

Like it or not, I feel like I’m already re-adapting to the cold climate. It took me 5 or 6 years to adapt to the desert climate, but after spending my first 26 years in a cold one, I’m getting used to the cold pretty fast, though I still hate it. Of course that could also be partly due to the fact that this year we can afford to heat the hell out of the place. I’m just so glad we’re not back in that miserable duplex! I’m sure it’s not as noisy now in that the bitch isn’t leaving the dog out back for hours at a time, and next door’s not hanging out back barbecuing for hours on end either, but it’d still be bad enough. We’d still hear the dog every other time it went out to shit, the TV would still be blaring away, and next door would be slamming back and forth several times a day.

My biggest question right now, besides what the hell’s going on with my ear and teeth, is whether or not Tom’s been sitting on a gold mine all this time with this job and not known it. When he couldn’t get hired at that auto parts place or at Walmart I said, “Well, there’s a reason for everything.” Only I thought that reason was to keep us poor since this job seemed to be going nowhere for so long. Now the stage is set for a potential partnership. This would literally mean us going from being the financial underdogs of our families to richer than any of them could ever be, and most of them are pretty close to being rich! Like Tom said, he doesn’t want to get overly optimistic, but if things continued to progress as they have been and he continues to score points with the owners, he could be made partner in which case we’d stay here 2-3 more years, then he’d sell his partnership, and we would go not to find him a new job in Sacramento, but to retire anywhere! Maybe not on a yacht or in Beverly Hills since we’d have the same problem we had in Maricopa by going to Beverly Hills where most of our money would be tied up in the house, leaving us not much extra for other things. Since I wouldn’t want to return to the intense dryness and heat or the giant spiders that deserts bring, I think we may settle somewhere along the coast of northern California. That way, with the water being so cold up there, we wouldn’t have a million sunbathers right outside our window. It’ll depend on the climate there. If it’s going to be too much like this, then I’d want to go tropical or back to the desert.

I know I shouldn’t go getting my hopes up. A few good months don’t necessarily mean that it’s not still in our cards to struggle for most of our lives, but I can’t help but hope for good things to happen!

In the midst of the usual ear/teeth annoyances, and listening to her slam in and out next door, I hit my biggest instant win yet. A $200 custom racing jacket! I hope they send one that’ll fit Tom because they didn’t ask for sizes. It’s an auto-racing jacket of some kind. I can’t find a picture of it. The grand prize is a car. I’ve won nearly $1000 in merchandise this month! Tom thinks I’ll one day win a prize worth thousands. I do, too. I just don’t know what or when.

Living with this chronic pain day after day, year after year really gets old. I just don’t understand this Jodi-must-have-something-going-on-with-her rule. If it’s not my asthma, it’s my allergies. When it’s not that, it’s my ear and teeth. It’s always, always something. I’ve quit praying. He obviously wants me to suffer and I should’ve known better too, because I’ve prayed for help with other problems just to be ignored and forced to deal with them for months or even years on end. What kind of a God does this?! Why bother trying to treat my ear and teeth anyway? It’d only cost thousands of dollars and delay the move indefinitely for one, and it’d simply mean trading them in for new problems. Maybe the next problem will be worse, so I’ll just keep this one and learn to toughen up a bit more. They say there’s a reason for everything. I don’t see why any good being up there would possibly want me to suffer, but it does. It does and so I have to just trust in it and hope it’s for the best.

She just pulled out next door for the second time that I know of today and slammed her doors three times, once so hard that the palm fronds of my plant shook. That’s another obsession of people I could never understand besides their craving for attention; why do they have to slam doors? Car doors, home doors, any doors?

Anyway, it’s been snowing steadily since I got up 7 hours ago. It sure keeps things quiet out there overall, though I don’t like it.

By the 17th we’ll have 4 things – the bed, 2 sets of sheets (one polar pink, one passion rose), a comforter of shimmering lavender, blue, and gold, and an office chair. Then in a couple of weeks from now, we’ll get the platform and the headboard/shelves.

We checked out the pet store we got the betta from and all they had were 4 boring white rats. Also, the lady wouldn’t let me pick them up. She said I could pat them in the cage, but not pick them up in case they got loose. That told me something right there about their temperaments, so when we get rats, we’ll get them somewhere else where we can handle them. We agreed to wait a while anyway, though, till we know if the move is going to be worth delaying or not. If we are going to move within a year, however, we don’t want the hassle of having animals moving with us. I still hope this job ends up really being one hell of a jackpot, but the worst-case scenario – and I know it sounds funny saying this – we go to Sacramento as early as July.

I am still sad over the loss of my Blondie but doing better.

UPS just brought me that Christmas scrapbooking prize that I really couldn’t use in any way. Guess I’ll yard sale it someday.

For the first time in ages, I’m actually a bit bored. I’m caught up on my sweeps and don’t have much to update on other than the fact that tonight’s the night we order the bed and a new office chair. Watch, the bed won’t do a damn thing to rekindle our lost appetites, but oh well. At least I don’t have to worry about conceiving either way. At this age, sex just isn’t a high priority for me. Making money, winning prizes and going shopping are what we both live for these days, and having as much fun along the way as possible. Still, I’ll do what he always said was the magic cure for his so-called problem, which I still think was always intentional, and not say anything about his not cumming, and as time goes on, assuming we get it on more than once or twice, time will prove that the problem was never me, but rather his fear of impregnating me. I’m sure that even if I had a full hysterectomy today, however, he’d still hold back to cover the truth. I have mixed feelings about his not allowing himself to cum these days. I don’t want him to because that way I know I couldn’t get pregnant, not that I ever believed it was in my cards to do so in the first place. On the other hand, it still adds a sense of non-normalcy to my life, and I’ve got enough of those. How many people wake up to the sound of a pin dropping? How many can’t sleep with other people? How many can’t keep a schedule? Even so, if the choice were mine, I’d prefer him to hold back. Keeps the sheets drier if anything!

Unless something up there is teasing the hell out of us really bad, there is a distinct possibility that he could end up making a ton of money at this place. To think that Oregon, which I’d quickly come to hate with a passion, could possibly change our lives in such a huge and wonderful way, is pretty mind-boggling.

I don’t know if the mailman’s just late or if we simply didn’t get anything today. I could really go for a movie right now, so I doubt one will show up anytime soon.

I’m beginning to doubt I’ll see the DVDs I won, but oh well. That happens sometimes. I just better get the guitar I won in 2-3 weeks like they said I would!

I’m quite crushed with sorrow at the moment because Blondie died last night. It began on Monday, the last day of October. Instead of always wanting to be let out to sit on my lap he just slept like crazy. He was having a harder time breathing and wasn’t eating. All day yesterday he could barely move and he was ice cold to the touch. Yesterday evening we put a Benadryl tablet in his water to help him sleep because he seemed to be fighting so hard and the struggle was exhausting him. We turned in around 9:00 and when I got up at 4:00 he was gone. We knew he couldn’t possibly survive the night. I never wept so hard for a lost animal before in my life. Even Tom agrees it was the best pet he’s ever had. He was so smart and so loving, totally beyond any other animal we’ve ever had.

This morning before work, Tom buried him at the side of the house. Initially, we were going to bury him by the back fence, but we decided not to so the lady next door wouldn’t see us. We didn’t want to risk her telling Pam that she saw us because Pam would no doubt be able to put two and two together and know that we buried a pet we weren’t supposed to have here.

I’ve been bawling my eyes out on and off. He was one traveled rat, that’s for sure. From Arizona, on up through California, to Oregon. He stayed in so many motel rooms, then the duplex and then here, and that’s quite a fun adventure for a rat. It was for him, anyway. To think that he’ll never again run to the door for me to let him out and that I’ll never hold him again makes me sick with grief. It’s a different kind of grief and pain than say when the sickos had me thrown in jail or when we lost the house and then the land up here, but it’s hard just the same. I keep thinking it must be somewhat like what it’d be like to lose a child.

Later…

I had to stop because I was crying so hard that the screen became nothing more than one big blur. I might wear my glasses for most of the day to help me see better when I’m sweeping. Most people are content to just lie in bed when they’re sad, but I have to keep busy. Maybe that’s why I just did some rearranging. Plants and dolls now adorn the corner where his big cage was. As nice as it looks, I wish I could snap my fingers and have the cage be there again with him in it, healthy, happy, full of spunk and life as he begs for treats and attention. Sometimes he’d really get on my nerves, always bugging me to play with him or to at least cuddle. Well, I really wish he could be here right now to annoy the hell out of me for the millionth time while I try to get my work done.

I was in the kitchen earlier when I thought I heard him moving around, but of course when I came into the living room, I found it was just the heater. Just the damn heater.

This morning I pulled back the shower curtain and found the air freshener in the tub. I asked Tom if he remembered knocking it off the side of the tub, but he didn’t. Did he really knock it in there and just not realize it? Or was that a sign that Blondie’s spirit lives on? See, the thing was empty and I’d never have thought to check if it hadn’t been in there, so I took the battery out. I’ll get a new oil refill soon.

Tom believes in spirits, he just doesn’t know what they do or where they go. Maybe they live someplace else with other spirits, or maybe they float around the world and stick with their loved ones. Or maybe they have a choice and can go back and forth.

I hate to say it, but since we had to lose him someday, I’m just glad it didn’t happen when we were broke. The stress of that would’ve only compounded the grief. To help with the pain I just try to remember the good times we had with Blondie over the last 20 months and I try to think of the good things like the fact that we have extra money right now because when we move to California, it’s back in the poorhouse for a while until we get established there, but that’s okay. It’ll be worth it, and hey, sometimes you just gotta lose in order to gain.

We made it to November without any snow, though they’re saying once again that we’re in for some tomorrow which sucks. It took me 5-6 years to adapt to the desert climate, but I can already feel myself adapting to this one. Guess that’s what happens when you spend your first 26 years in a cold climate. Still, I don’t intend to stay here any longer than necessary. Of course, this winter we can also afford to heat the hell out of this place. In a place twice as big with electric heating and us being as broke as we were, it was kind of hard to do. I froze my ass off in that duplex! As small and as tilted as this place is, I wouldn’t mind staying in it for a few years if there really is a once-in-a-lifetime windfall at work that could bring us thousands of dollars. That’d be well worth the delay. However, I know that the peace around here can’t last forever. Sooner or later the house next door is going to sell and I’m 100% sure there’ll be a dog barking its ass off 24/7 in the yard just outside our windows, maybe two. Also, the lady on the other side is bound to move sooner or later, and the summer bugs here are a nightmare. Most people don’t stay in rentals for more than a year or two. We’d still also prefer a level place that’s a little bigger and newer so that it’s sealed up better. Part of what makes this place not sealed up as well is the fact that it’s tilted. Another 10-20 years and this thing’s coming down for sure. I know it’s safe right now because they recently redid the plumbing and electrical, in which case it would’ve had to be inspected and would’ve been deemed inhabitable if it had been found unsafe.

We survived another Halloween in the city, which is a good thing considering that I was crashing at the time they were to be out and about. It seems that I’m always asleep on Halloween, just like I’d always be asleep whenever the pigs would come to start shit with me.

My ear has been better these last few days, but I know better than to assume the problem’s going away forever. If there’s any good in knowing that, however, it’s that I know I won’t develop something else while I’m dealing with it!

I won some sort of crafts thing. Christmas-related stuff, I guess. It doesn’t seem like it’ll be very exciting, but we’ll see.