I’m quite crushed with sorrow at the moment because Blondie died last night. It began on Monday, the last day of October. Instead of always wanting to be let out to sit on my lap he just slept like crazy. He was having a harder time breathing and wasn’t eating. All day yesterday he could barely move and he was ice cold to the touch. Yesterday evening we put a Benadryl tablet in his water to help him sleep because he seemed to be fighting so hard and the struggle was exhausting him. We turned in around 9:00 and when I got up at 4:00 he was gone. We knew he couldn’t possibly survive the night. I never wept so hard for a lost animal before in my life. Even Tom agrees it was the best pet he’s ever had. He was so smart and so loving, totally beyond any other animal we’ve ever had.

This morning before work, Tom buried him at the side of the house. Initially, we were going to bury him by the back fence, but we decided not to so the lady next door wouldn’t see us. We didn’t want to risk her telling Pam that she saw us because Pam would no doubt be able to put two and two together and know that we buried a pet we weren’t supposed to have here.

I’ve been bawling my eyes out on and off. He was one traveled rat, that’s for sure. From Arizona, on up through California, to Oregon. He stayed in so many motel rooms, then the duplex and then here, and that’s quite a fun adventure for a rat. It was for him, anyway. To think that he’ll never again run to the door for me to let him out and that I’ll never hold him again makes me sick with grief. It’s a different kind of grief and pain than say when the sickos had me thrown in jail or when we lost the house and then the land up here, but it’s hard just the same. I keep thinking it must be somewhat like what it’d be like to lose a child.

Later…

I had to stop because I was crying so hard that the screen became nothing more than one big blur. I might wear my glasses for most of the day to help me see better when I’m sweeping. Most people are content to just lie in bed when they’re sad, but I have to keep busy. Maybe that’s why I just did some rearranging. Plants and dolls now adorn the corner where his big cage was. As nice as it looks, I wish I could snap my fingers and have the cage be there again with him in it, healthy, happy, full of spunk and life as he begs for treats and attention. Sometimes he’d really get on my nerves, always bugging me to play with him or to at least cuddle. Well, I really wish he could be here right now to annoy the hell out of me for the millionth time while I try to get my work done.

I was in the kitchen earlier when I thought I heard him moving around, but of course when I came into the living room, I found it was just the heater. Just the damn heater.

This morning I pulled back the shower curtain and found the air freshener in the tub. I asked Tom if he remembered knocking it off the side of the tub, but he didn’t. Did he really knock it in there and just not realize it? Or was that a sign that Blondie’s spirit lives on? See, the thing was empty and I’d never have thought to check if it hadn’t been in there, so I took the battery out. I’ll get a new oil refill soon.

Tom believes in spirits, he just doesn’t know what they do or where they go. Maybe they live someplace else with other spirits, or maybe they float around the world and stick with their loved ones. Or maybe they have a choice and can go back and forth.

I hate to say it, but since we had to lose him someday, I’m just glad it didn’t happen when we were broke. The stress of that would’ve only compounded the grief. To help with the pain I just try to remember the good times we had with Blondie over the last 20 months and I try to think of the good things like the fact that we have extra money right now because when we move to California, it’s back in the poorhouse for a while until we get established there, but that’s okay. It’ll be worth it, and hey, sometimes you just gotta lose in order to gain.

We made it to November without any snow, though they’re saying once again that we’re in for some tomorrow which sucks. It took me 5-6 years to adapt to the desert climate, but I can already feel myself adapting to this one. Guess that’s what happens when you spend your first 26 years in a cold climate. Still, I don’t intend to stay here any longer than necessary. Of course, this winter we can also afford to heat the hell out of this place. In a place twice as big with electric heating and us being as broke as we were, it was kind of hard to do. I froze my ass off in that duplex! As small and as tilted as this place is, I wouldn’t mind staying in it for a few years if there really is a once-in-a-lifetime windfall at work that could bring us thousands of dollars. That’d be well worth the delay. However, I know that the peace around here can’t last forever. Sooner or later the house next door is going to sell and I’m 100% sure there’ll be a dog barking its ass off 24/7 in the yard just outside our windows, maybe two. Also, the lady on the other side is bound to move sooner or later, and the summer bugs here are a nightmare. Most people don’t stay in rentals for more than a year or two. We’d still also prefer a level place that’s a little bigger and newer so that it’s sealed up better. Part of what makes this place not sealed up as well is the fact that it’s tilted. Another 10-20 years and this thing’s coming down for sure. I know it’s safe right now because they recently redid the plumbing and electrical, in which case it would’ve had to be inspected and would’ve been deemed inhabitable if it had been found unsafe.

We survived another Halloween in the city, which is a good thing considering that I was crashing at the time they were to be out and about. It seems that I’m always asleep on Halloween, just like I’d always be asleep whenever the pigs would come to start shit with me.

My ear has been better these last few days, but I know better than to assume the problem’s going away forever. If there’s any good in knowing that, however, it’s that I know I won’t develop something else while I’m dealing with it!

I won some sort of crafts thing. Christmas-related stuff, I guess. It doesn’t seem like it’ll be very exciting, but we’ll see.