Signing in on a happy and positive note. :) 

Two nights ago I dreamed of a character in one of my past books driving along the road. She was something like a US Marshal in the story. Anyway, she was stopped by a uniformed cop and said something like, “Is this reason enough as to why you’re pulling me over?” Then she showed the cop her official ID and asked him if he was a rookie. He said he was and she offered a word of “advice” to him, though I’m not sure what that advice was. 

In the end, the cop let her go and seemed a bit embarrassed. The US Marshal, however, seemed rather amused. 

Last night I dreamed that I was trying to message Nane on Facebook when some ridiculous message popped up saying something like, “Our records show that you’ve been friends 25 times. No more messages will be allowed.” 

LOL, I have no desire to message her for real, though. Our friendship is definitely over. I’ve been much too forgiving lately and I need to tone it down cuz that’s how one ends up in the same old cycle of shit. 

Norma shared a picture of her parents’ wedding from 1928. My paternal grandparents were in it. It was cool to see despite the serious expressions everyone seemed to have back then. 

Other than feeling lightheaded at times, I have been feeling a lot better. Still a bit overwhelmed with all the upcoming appointments and the thought of returning to thyroid medication, but my anxiety is virtually gone. 

As promised, Aly left me a voice message this morning. It was cool how it said “Nebraska” next to the number. She has a very pleasant-sounding voice and sounded amazingly young and feminine, LOL. She actually sounds a lot like Paula who, like Andy, always sounded rather young. Her voice was higher pitched than I imagined. Given her tomboyish looks (not that this is a bad thing as opposed to a style preference), I imagined her voice to sound a little lower in pitch than it does. She sounds so sweet, though, and it’s nice to put a voice to the face of the person I’ve been friends with online since 2008. Unfortunately, the connection wasn’t perfect and some of her words were inaudible. 

I’m loving that the stalker is being stalked by her ex (which she can’t quite fully let go of) and getting a taste of her own medicine, even if she’s been well-behaved for a while now as far as her own stalking habits go. Yes, Molly’s not only going back and forth with the “Do I or don’t I want him?” thing but so is he. In fact, he’s even giving Mommy Dearest a taste of her medicine as well and has been calling and harassing the both of them. At least that’s what Molly says. I saw comments on her Josh rants from Josh himself whining that she’s the one that called him, and something about her mother not believing the apartment he lives in is clean and how much money he makes. 

A girl that lives at the group home (Julie) that Molly’s had problems with is somehow involved. I guess she was trying to steal him from her or he was interested in her. 

The whole thing’s just too funny. It would be nice if he went to Texas and killed her. Then again, if she never goes back to her old ways, then she doesn’t need to die. But seeing her get the same shit dished back at her that she dished to others for so many years is hilarious. I feel no pity for her OR her mother. They really put a lot of stress on me for what seemed like forever, and the mother even had me a bit scared for a while there. I know how twisted the laws can be and how NOT on my side God tends to be. If He could allow me to be thrown to the wolves in Arizona, why not elsewhere? 

Aly did once say that Molly told her that now she understands how I must’ve felt, but still. 

Moving onto yesterday’s appointment, no, I’m not attracted to Dana. I like her style of dress and she has a great body, but she also has a lame face, pitiful hair, and she’s kinda short. I prefer them tall, with more than an inch of hair on their heads, and not blond either. I’m still amazed I was ever so attracted to Doc C since she has light hair and eyes. It’s that sexy smile that got to me, I guess. She is really tall too, and has a great body. I’m more of a face person, though, so even if her body were less than perfect, she’d still be a hottie. 

The question is will she get my friend request AND accept it? That’s the thing; if I find I don’t get added, I won’t know if it’s because she didn’t get it or if it’s because she chose not to accept it. Unless she replies to the message I intend to leave her telling me not to add her, then I would guess she didn’t get it. I was thinking I’d write something like this: 

Hi Doc, 

I had to cancel our December appointment due to needing to find doctors closer to home as well as a few other reasons. Although it’s unfortunate that I have to give you up, I wanted you to know it has nothing to do with you personally. You were wonderful! Perhaps we’ll meet again on Facebook. 

Anyway, Tom sat in with me during this session, which I prefer and appreciate, and even Dana liked having him in the picture. 

As required of the therapists there, she tested me on some things. She asked me to remember 3 objects (I remembered them, even though Hashimoto’s causes memory issues), count in threes, spell the word ‘world’ backward, and name the last 5 presidents. She was surprised that I could name them. So was I, haha. 

We discussed the goals that I wish to accomplish in therapy; not being so anxious and quick to worry about the what-ifs in life. As I also told her, the anxiety has been at a record low since all this shit started last July. 

We talked about my fears of returning to medication after the horrible side effects I suffered through, and how doctors aren’t exactly gods who instantly know it all, and this can be a bit unnerving at times. Especially going into a whole new medical group with all-new doctors. Miscommunication problems with my old endo doc is part of what fouled things up. When Doctor D asked me how I felt and I said I didn’t feel any different, in hindsight we came to realize that she was asking if I felt better since starting the thyroid meds, not realizing I never went to the doctor because I felt bad or anything. 

We talked about the best way to handle the doctors and what’s important to say vs. what’s not and what may only confuse them. I’m more nervous about the medication than I am about the doctors themselves. I mean, while I don’t expect them to be all smiles and laughs, I hope they don’t come off as cold, impatient and uncaring people. Still, they don’t matter as much as how the medication might affect me. 

She wants to see me one more time before I see the new primary, and when I do see the primary is when I’ll cancel my appointment with Doc C and send her a quick message explaining that we wanted to get doctors closer to home, which is true. I just wish Dana was closer, too. Traffic was a nightmare yesterday! For now, I don’t want to cancel the old doctor without seeing the new one first. I’m going to a different building and a different doctor than Tom did, so if I’m not happy for any reason, I’ll run back to Doc C and just change endo docs. 

On the way out she told Tom to tell me I’m beautiful and that I’m not fat, and Tom laughed and said, “And you make her believe me.” 

LOL, right now it’s more important that I see that I can once again treat my disease without feeling like I’m gonna die than it is to be showered with pretty words whether I believe them or not.

Took a couple of shots of our gloriously pink, polluted sunrise from the front of the house this morning and shared them on Facebook. Let me guess… the same few people will “like” and comment on them, right? 

All’s been quiet next door. All I heard yesterday was Virginia talking. Pretty sure it was her anyway. I have a feeling that the next time we run into each other she won’t be as nice, not that I care. I have a right to live in peace just as Bob has a right to do his projects. People are strange like that, though. They’ll be quick to ask if they’re annoying you, but then when you finally do point out something, they’ve got a problem with it. Maybe not, though. I didn’t point out anything unreasonable (not that I did in Phoenix, either) and I didn’t ask them to stop. I just asked when he thought he’d be most likely to be working. 

In almost 9 hours I will be seeing Dana and telling her all about how terrified I am to go back on thyroid medication or any other medication for that matter, and how I’ve never experienced such intense anxiety, even though it’s now been over a week since I’ve had to take any lorazepam. 

Got a little worried for Tammy yesterday. She left a message saying she had an idea for my book. How about her and Mark fishing and finding a huge bag of pot? So I let her know I already had this year’s NaNo story plotted out. But then later on she told me this really happened and my first thought was uh-oh… damn pigs have implicated them or some shit like that. They didn’t, though. Tammy said they were “fantastic” and shined their helicopter light out in the water to make sure nothing else was out there, but that’s what they do anyway. 

I’m just glad they didn't try to pin it on them. As I’m sure she’s heard, the more people they "nail," the further it advances their careers. So if they can't find the real culprit they often just grab whoever's convenient. I won’t even get into their little stings they’ve got going in various parts of the country where they love to write false speeding tickets and other traffic violations in various parts of the country, writing off people as drunk who aren't even close to the legal limit. They are a mostly corrupt and legal entity that is allowed to behave in such a way and be held virtually unaccountable for their actions while they’re at it. It is only when they cross the wrong person(s) that reality slaps them in the face. 

It’s to be in the 80s the next two days, then drop 20° the two days after that and rain. It’s been a quiet week so far except for someone having their carpet cleaned and the usual spattering of landscaping. It still wouldn’t surprise me if I heard from Bob this week. 

It’s now been just over a week since I’ve had to take anything for anxiety, but the thought of returning to some kind of thyroid medication still scares me. I have so many damn appointments coming up over the next few months as I catch up on thyroids, eyes, teeth, etc., that it’s a bit overwhelming as a whole, so I just remind myself that right now – today – I don’t have to deal with any of it. All I have to do is try to keep busy and stay up as late as I can so I’m not too tired when I see Dana tomorrow. 

Got an email saying that they screwed up their stock count and the chocolate living room set we ordered wouldn’t be available until after Andy's visit. So we canceled the order and picked out the same set in cream. I initially considered a stunning sectional in red, but I like this style better with its reversible chaise, and I prefer cream to chocolate anyway. Also, it turns out that it’s a couple of hundred dollars cheaper since it’s coming directly from Amazon, so it turned out to be a good thing. 

Can’t believe we got a living room set for just $650! I mean it has no end tables or anything like that, but with the way we’re going to set things up, we shouldn’t need one. It’s just us two, so we don’t need much table space like a family would or a handful of college roommates would as well.

The anxiety has definitely backed off quite a bit for nearly a week now. What a relief! Don’t know what the future may hold where that’s concerned, but right now I’m enjoying every moment that isn’t so damn heart-pounding. 

It was someone else’s turn to annoy me with having their carpet cleaned as the cleaning truck is OMG kind of loud, but I’d rather deal with the weekday noise than have anxiety attacks. 

I could’ve kicked myself for getting a soft bed for mice instead of for rats. I really should’ve read the dimensions! So now it’s their chew toy instead of a bed. They have the hammock bed, plastic tubes and soda boxes, so they’re not without a variety of places to sleep. 

Filled out the paperwork Dana gave me the last time I saw her, and was it ever extensive! I should’ve just insisted she read my blog, haha. 

Anyway, in the chilly 54° night, I walked nearly a mile and my heart, which sometimes still seems to beat a little too hard and too fast for comfort, didn’t go freaking out on me. I forgot my new beanie, but oh well. I warmed up soon enough. If I can ever get back on my bike, though, I’m not sure I’d want to ride at night in the winter. It’s just too damn cold! This may be California but it isn’t San Diego. 

Later… 

“Memories take us back. Dreams move us forward.” 

Finally decided on The Other Side of the Nightmare for the title of my next book. At least I think it’s pretty catchy. Really wish NaNoWriMo started today! I’m ready to get writing. 

As most people who know me know, I don’t believe in prayer. Nonetheless, I was asked what kinds of things I’d pray for if I did believe in it. Well, I’d never pray for anything unnecessary or unrealistic. I’d never pray to never get another cold again in my life. I’d never pray to find or win a million dollars. I’d never pray for Bob next door to never annoy me with his projects. 

I would only pray for things that were necessary and very much desired. Not that I don’t desire a million bucks, but that’s not as realistic to hope for as it is to hope that A, Hot Doc not only receives the friend request I’ll probably send her and B, she accepts it. I don’t have to be friends with her and it certainly wouldn’t be the end of the world if we weren’t, but it would be nice and it’s a lot more likely to happen than it is for me to find or win a huge sum of money. 

But… time has shown me that I don’t have to pray for what’s meant to be and that I cannot pray for what isn’t meant to be. Are things meant to be or not meant to be because some unearthly source has decided they should/shouldn’t be? Or is it all chance? These questions I cannot answer. I only know that if I’m meant to have something, I’ll get it. No need to ask anything non-human for it. 

Last night I had a dream of living in a place with a super huge living room. I mean SUPER huge. It was bigger than this entire house. I wonder if it might’ve been attached to others, though. In the dream, it was either really late at night or really early. Tom and I were both up and it was dark out. I was playing music and I suddenly realized that others might hear it, so I ran to turn it down.

As nice as it may look, I’m thinking I won’t add pics to next year’s journal here in Word. I’ll just bold the dates as usual and leave it at that. 

Still no real anxiety since last Wednesday or Thursday, but I’m slightly worried about it being the start of the workweek given the fact that I’m mostly on days again and will be aware of how much time I will be spending alone. Not too worried, though. I have a lot to do to keep me busy, and knowing I’ll be seeing my therapist in a few days, the doctor in 17 days, and have more chill pills than I need, helps a bit. Sure hope I don’t have to take a chill pill, though, cuz that will make me drowsy and could interfere with the flipping of my schedule so I can make my therapy appointment without falling asleep on her. 

Yesterday at 8:30, the hammering started. I thought to myself, you gotta be kidding! It’s 8-fucking-30 on a Sunday! But then I realized it didn’t sound right for being Bob, didn’t last more than a few seconds, and then I saw that they weren’t even home next door anyway. So it wasn’t Bob. I’ll be so fucking pissed if he’s at it during Andy's visit, though. SO fucking pissed. I’m sure I’ll have to hear it at least once during the week. Thank goodness I moved my computer to the other side of the house even if it can still be heard in there too, if I don’t crank up some music. I like it better in here either way. It’s cozier and more office-like, and my chair rolls over the floor easier than it did the carpet. 

The sky pigs are at it again, flying round and round in circles. They’re not directly overhead but near enough to be heard. I asked Tom why he thinks there’s been so much of this lately at night, and sometimes during the day, and he thinks the cops got a new helicopter. So I guess they’re training fellow piggies to fly their new toy. 

Been keeping a journal now for 27 years!

It puts a smile on my face to know how long I’ve been troll-free now. But I’m still cautious when it comes to some things, particularly my Facebook activity, even if there isn’t much of it. If there can be past trolls, there can be future trolls. 

I’m excited about our new living room set! We were going to get it months ago, but things kept coming up. He was too busy. I wasn’t feeling well. Whatever. Finally, we decided to buy a gorgeous chocolate brown sectional with an ottoman online. I love how it’s a 3-in-1. I was originally going to get a couch, a plush chair or recliner, and a coffee table. But part of the couch has a chaise and the ottoman can be used as a coffee table. All I have to do is get a serving tray so that cups and mugs don’t tip over. We don’t expect to use it much since we sit at our computers a lot, but it will be nice to know it’s there and it will definitely be very pleasing to the eye. 

I decided to go with fabric instead of leather, even though it has a leather base. Leather lasts longer, doesn’t trap as much dust, and is easier to wipe spills off of, but fabric feels oh-so much better. If it was warm here year-round leather may be a bit more tempting, but in the colder months, I’d prefer the warmth of fabric.

Speaking of climates that are warm year-round, Tom got an email from a guy he works with. The guy, along with his wife, used to go to Maui every year. Now they go every 4 or 5 years. Still, they love this place they stay at that he sent Tom the link to. It’s a condo right on the beach. During the off-season (when it’s available) it’s $200 a night. So if we spent 5 nights there, then you figure in the cost of cheap airfare and food, we could comfortably do a trip for around 2k. 

My guess is that we’ll go to Florida to see my sister before returning to Hawaii, but it may be a few years yet. There is still much to do here at home, and again, just because we can afford to do most of it at once doesn’t mean we want to. After the shit we’ve been through, we don’t want to drain our savings no matter how fast we can build it back up. 

Walked 3 rounds around the circle and returned with a pulse a little higher than I’d like and that I would think was normal for being in at least relatively decent shape, but I managed to calm it down without freaking or chill pilling - yes! The question is, could I have done that if Tom hadn’t been just a wall away at the time? Due to having a pulse that’s already elevated even when calm, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to run or ride again. I’m definitely not comfortable with finding out just yet as much as I miss riding. It’s too soon and I don’t want to push myself too hard and rush things. Just the fact that I’ve gone 4 days anxiety-free (though it started to bubble up yesterday) and went out walking alone and calmed my pulse on my own, is a positive step in the right direction. Still, better to be cautious no matter how silly it may seem. 

It rained here yesterday, though not too hard and not for too long. It started after we returned from Walmart. We’ve got sooo much damn food in here right now! So much variety too, but I can’t eat when I’m not hungry. Tom can, but I have to wait till I get hungry enough. Not that I’m complaining, but my overall appetite is still down. Even a 200-calorie meal is very filling to me these days. I think the average is 550 and up and most people will have more than 1 serving per meal. 

My legs and hips are slimmer these days but I still have a prominent enough spare tire. Sucked in, my stomach is almost flat; just saggy. 

Andy's neighbors are worse than mine! Then again, when you’re attached to someone with nothing but a very thin wall between you, even a relatively peaceful neighbor can seem noisy. The woman’s loud and noisy, especially when she first comes in, and this weekend their son is staying with them (who attends college in Boston) and is rude, disrespectful, and spoiled. He fought with his parents earlier. He said he could hear shuffling in the master bedroom and all that. Ugh, what a shitty thing to have to live with.

I’ve now had just over 72 anxiety-free hours. Just in case anyone’s wondering. :) I’ve lived long enough to know that the past has a way of returning to haunt us, so I’m not going to assume it’s over just yet. But the longer I go without anxiety attacks, the more confident I will feel. I just hope returning to medication and things like that won’t press the ‘restart’ button on these God-awful attacks. Just thinking of returning to my dentist, even though she’s a real sweetie, is a bit unnerving, and of course bike riding is still out of the question for now as much as I miss it. 

The only recent negatives are that I had that eye flashing again and of course… Bob. This time the flashing wasn’t as obvious or as long and it seemed to come more from the right side of my vision than the left. Definitely gotta see an eye doc over the next few months. I’ll be due for new glasses then anyway. 

As for Bob, I still can’t believe what’s got to be at least an 81 or 82-year-old guy can generate such an annoying racket. At 9:30 he started beating on something with that damn mallet of his and I’m beginning to wish someone would get fed up enough to use it on him. Really, I don’t care that he’s got more energy than a teenager. I don’t care that he’s got 8 grandkids. I don’t care that he can’t sit still. I don’t care that he loves to do projects. I don’t care that it’s “normal” daytime noise. I didn’t come here to listen to it!! Period. I really miss having only female neighbors. I’m sick of the racket men make with their damn motorcycles, hammers, saws and other shit. But I have a feeling that if we’re still here when he and his wife pass, which could very well be well into their 90s at the rate they’re going, we’ll be in for something much worse. 

I wasn’t going to bother with Kindle Unlimited on a regular basis since I can still get decent enough books for free, but it not only keeps one of our credit cards active and with a higher limit of credit, I have a much bigger selection this way. I’ve already got over 100 books and read 30% of one yesterday morning. 

Reading makes me tired, so I don’t want to overdo it since I need to flip my schedule by at least 2 hours a day for my therapy appointment. It’s going to be tough on my schedule for the next month because just two weeks after therapy I see my new primary care doctor, then two weeks after that Andy visits. Can’t believe I’ll be seeing him in a month! I really figured we’d never see each other again. I have no desire to return to my home state which I haven’t been in since 1992, and don’t know enough people back there to see anyway since most of them have either died or moved. He, on the other hand, has several family members here in Cali. I just thought I’d be a bit too far out of the way being further north as I am.

So Doc Sexy did refill the lorazepam after all, and I’m wondering if Aly likes me more than I realize. In her own blog, she said not to get her wrong. She's grateful for the friends she has, both in real life and online, and knows exactly who she can count on for support and advice in general, but wants MORE. She added that she knows she's likely making a big deal out of nothing, but can't help it. It's just important to her for some reason. But she's realizing that she should just give up. Not give up on eating healthier and moving more, but gives up on the hope that someone she knows will take a step beyond just showering her with pretty words. Then she said she thinks it's better if she doesn't finish that sentence. 

I don’t know why I get the feeling it’s me she’s referring to. Maybe because it’s not mutual? I mean I like her a lot. I like her intelligence and all that, but while she’s not ugly, I’m not really attracted to her. I’m hoping she’s talking about someone in person or someone else online, even though I, like any human being, would feel flattered to know I was “crushed” on. 

Back to Doc Sexy. I went to MyHealth to see if it would still say that my refill request was still pending, but it wasn’t. It said, “Prescribed by Dr. C on 10/16.” 

I’m still surprised she hasn’t messaged me to ask why I have no Dr. D appointment, why I haven’t had the ultrasound for my thyroid or uterus, and why I’d want her to give me chillers when I’m supposedly supposed to be seeing a shrink for that. But I’d rather the pills than the questions because just having them around gives me a touch of extra peace of mind even when I don’t actually need them. Ironically enough, the anxiety I felt brewing backed off as soon as I found she’d refilled the chill pills. 

Looked in my journal and she first prescribed them to me on July 16th, so it’s been more than 60 days (that’s how many are in the bottle). I forgot about this, but she said she thinks the anxiety was triggered by the trauma of ODing, which we now know was side-effecting. That’s the only thing I can come up with. BUT… running out of money is pretty damn traumatizing as well. On a scale 1-10, anger is a 7, depression a 9, and anxiety a 10. 

Anyway, there are different kinds of fears when you think about it. Running out of money is scary enough, but not knowing if you’re going to die when you don’t want to die is a bit different and I am going to slam that Hoodster’s head in the door if he doesn’t stop yanking on the door! LOL, bastard knows damn well I can hear him. Guess he and his roommates want out now. 

Thought about the crying thing Tom pointed out to me and how it can give people the wrong idea. I’m glad he pointed this out to me, too. I don’t want pity for my tears or to annoy anyone with them or to have them bring me more problems. I realize crying is pointless and serves no purpose other than to fog up my glasses. Crying alone or at funerals is one thing, but I don’t want anyone to think I’m trying to trick or manipulate them through my tears. I’m a straight shooter. I say what’s on my mind. But I realize that most people tend to disbelieve the things most people say and so I should take that into consideration. People have trust issues thanks to all the liars out there. I haven’t seen any tears from Tom in centuries, so why should he see them from me? No, I’m not him and he’s not me, as he would be quick to point out, but it still can’t fix problems. 

Later… 

The doctor did fill my lorazepam after all. I just didn’t get an email notification. Ironically enough, I felt better once I made an appointment with Dana and learned I had that refill, which proves again that the bulk of what I’ve been feeling is indeed anxiety. I’ve felt sooo much better these last two days, though, that I gained back 1.5 pounds. The better I feel the more I eat. I might even go for a late-night walk, though I’m not brave enough for the bike yet. Even when I’m not anxious, an anxiety attack can still creep up on you in seconds when you least expect it, and you DON’T want to get hit with one when you’re pulse is already elevated from exercise. I want to wait till I’ve gone a while without attacks as much as I miss riding. Walking won’t elevate my heart as much but it’s better than sitting on my ass all the time and I do love getting out in the fresh air. 

Loving my new Kindle Paperwhite so far! I love how it tells me it thinks it should take me 9 hours and something minutes to finish the book I’m 6% through, LOL. It does have a landscape setting too, but portrait is fine. It has the same dictionary the Fire has where you touch a word and the definition pops up. It doesn’t blackout like the Fire but instead a picture appears with no light behind it. I also like how it tells me how many books I have on the device. Love how I can read in bed on the Paperwhite, then go to the Fire in the kitchen and it will know exactly where I left off in the book I’m reading! 

There’s probably more I could write about, but I’m excited to start syncing and setting up the reader. I’ve got a free 30-day trial of Kindle Unlimited, so maybe I’ll check some big-name authors out. I’ve always loved Dean Koontz and James Patterson. 

I had a dream my mother was still alive and she said something that pissed me off when I asked her a question. Tammy and some other woman were present in what looked like the bedroom of the last house they owned in MA. I stormed off and started smashing things after my mother pissed me off.

So the chiller helped calm my heart and made breathing easier, but then what should happen? Oh, just that pity party I was determined not to throw for myself. I ended up feeling depressed as hell. Still am. I feel bad for BOTH of us. I hate putting this on Tom but there’s no way I could just pretend to him that it doesn’t exist. Sure wish there was, though, but there’s no hiding it. I know he wouldn’t want me to, but I still feel bad that he has to deal with this shit, too. 

I sometimes think if only I could drive and keep a schedule. Getting out, meeting more people, and doing more things… might actually help, though I honestly don’t know where I’d go, what I’d do or who I’d meet. Or even if it would really help for that matter. But it seems something up there is determined to slam every door possible shut on me. I DO have a sleep disorder and I DO have a driving phobia, so I ain’t going anywhere beyond the park. While I’m still a homebody and prefer to just hang out by myself when I’m not with him, the simple act of meeting a friend for lunch that seems so normal is out of the question for me. I realize this every time I read about this sort of thing in a book or see it in a movie. 

Gonna make this topic a private entry. It’s almost embarrassing to tell the world I’m that NOT with the times and that cut off from your ordinary everyday things in life. On the other hand, if I could’ve kept a schedule and driven a car all along, I’d be working full-time and probably wishing I could be home more and have to deal with fewer people. But a local friend would be nice at times. The thing is you can’t force friendship any more than you can love. You know how I say you find these things when you aren’t looking? Well, I wasn’t looking for Tom. I did actively pick up the phone and call Andy back in 1988, but I didn’t know a friendship would develop. I didn’t even know the guy was gay. Maybe another thing that made me hesitant for a while, even if some may say it was silly, was what may happen if the friendship ended. If people like Nane and Aly lived locally, all would be fine if we had a falling out. But what about people like Kim and Molly? 

The biggest thing is I want to STOP feeling anxious and depressed every other day. I want the unwanted thoughts to stop and to be able to always focus on the positive things in life and the here and now. But… how? HOW? Why can’t I be like Tom? First I admired Tom. Now I envy him. 

Later… 

Last night was an absolutely shitty night. I want to write for the sake of it being therapeutic, but I don’t want to dwell on it and worry others needlessly, so I’ll just cut to the chase. 

About 24 hours ago I took a chill pill and then fell into a deep depression. It was strange, shocking and just truly horrible. I cried on and off for hours. Every worst fear, possible or not, seemed to race through my mind. I began to believe I’d never get better and I still wonder this at times. I used to think as soon as I felt better that maybe that was it, it was over. But now I know better. It’ll be back. It seems to be an every-other-day thing. Having a good day today means the shit will hit the fan tomorrow, only most of what I feel is anxiety. Also, my problems are usually long-term. Like years instead of weeks or months, though I’m trying not to think of that or I’ll scream. 

As a child as well as some of my early 20s I had bouts of depression though I was usually aware of the reason behind it. As an adult, when I went from turning my emotions inward to outward, the negative emotion I experienced most was anger. While I can still feel anger and while I’ve had my anxious moments in the past, I have felt more anxiety in the last 3 months than in the last 30 years! All negative emotions suck, but I’d rather be pissed than anxious. Still, I became more like a man in that department. Women tend to turn inward when they’re hurting or angry while men tend to turn outward. Well, I got a bit more “manly” in that aspect, like I said. I became angry, defensive and defiant in the faces of those eager to wrong me as opposed to one who would tuck her tail and run off crying. I never have and never would harm any innocent and unsuspecting souls, but I would lash out at the world in general in other ways in the past usually with hurtful words or some kind of stupid prank. I still may say things I shouldn’t at times be it on or offline, but I try not to make needless trouble for others or for myself. 

On the 30th I’ll be returning to the Linder Psychiatric Group to see Dana, which I’ll call Dalia online. I’ve seen her once before. It’s just that I thought – or at least hoped – my anxiety would back off. I thought it was mostly due to the levothyroxine side effects, but now that I see that that didn’t have as big a part in it as I thought, though it did have some, I’m obviously not able to fight this on my own. Even if she can’t help me figure out what makes me tick, maybe she can at least make me tick a lot less often. I don’t know if talk therapy will be enough of a helping hand or if medication will be needed as well, but I don’t care. I’ll do whatever it takes to help myself feel better, even though I never expected to be dealing with this shit so late in life. So much for thinking only teens and 20-somethings go batty, LOL. 

There are both therapists and shrinks at this medical building I’m going to, so if she feels I need medication, at least for a while, she can hook me up with someone there. I hate to risk an addiction, but if that’s the risk I must take, so be it. 

I just want to nip it in the bud before it worsens. Right now I’m not disabled. I can still function in life. But I don’t want to let it get to the point where one day I wake up and say, “You know what? I’ve had enough of this misery. Today’s the day I kill myself and end it all forever.” 

Tom and I went walking for a while after work. Nothing too strenuous. Just enough to keep in shape. I haven’t cared about the weight-loss part of it for a while now, but that’s ok. The anxiety’s doing it for me. I’ve always been like that. The better I feel, the more I eat. Anytime I’m anxious, depressed or sick, however, I don’t have much of an appetite.

Haven’t heard from Nane and didn’t expect to, actually. No problem. I have my hopes set on an even hotter hottie who’s just a town away from me. :) Do I expect to succeed there? Well… I don’t know, but whether trying is a waste of time or not, I’ve got the time it takes to click “add friend” to waste. 

Not yet, though. Not until it gets closer to my would-be appointment with her in December, unless anything comes up before then. The plan is to cancel the appointment sometime next month and then send a message briefly explaining that we had to get doctors closer to home and that I’d like to keep in touch online. 

What I don’t get is why I haven’t heard back about my lorazepam refill request. Did she call it in? If she didn’t and she’s got a problem with refilling it, then why isn’t she sending me a message saying so? 

Later… 

For the first time since Sunday morning, I took a chill pill. I was fine last night with the exception of a little scare when I swallowed a piece of chicken funny. But it didn’t go beyond the normal feelings we all get when we get a good scare. Then I had waves of anxiety when I got up and my heart raced a bit in the shower. Tom came home after that and we walked around the circle a few times, and a couple of hours after he crashed it started picking up again. So much for hoping the wax cubes may’ve had a part in it, but I’m not really surprised. As Tom said, it’s not being caused by anything external. While there are things like heat and loud music that can elevate our heart rate or anxiety levels, it’s mostly coming from me and I’m fast losing hope of ever beating this thing. I doubt I would suddenly acquire some wacky chemical imbalance, especially without any kind of medication or foreign substance in me, so it must be something in my mind causing it that is perhaps deep in my subconscious. 

Tom keeps telling me I just gotta believe and that as long as I don’t believe I’ll ever get better, I won’t. I get what he’s saying, but the longer I have this anxiety, the harder it is to believe. How do you tell yourself something will get better when 3 months later it’s still going on? The only difference is that I’m getting a little better at managing it. I’m not as quick to freak out over it. But telling myself I’ll get better after all this time is like trying to tell myself the sky is green when I see blue. I can’t just brainwash myself into buying into whatever I feel is best to believe. Logically speaking, things don’t stay the same forever. There are other things I thought would go on forever, but they didn’t. I thought we’d always be poor. I thought I’d be alone forever. I thought a lot of things. But I was wrong and hopefully I’m wrong on this, too. Right now, though, I honestly don’t think I’m tough enough to beat this on my own. I’m going to have to mention it when I see my new primary doctor and have her give me names of therapists or shrinks to recommend me to. 

I believe the root cause of this is the side effects of the meds I was on, but why the anxiety is still going on beats me. And why telling myself I don’t need to be anxious over anything isn’t enough also beats me. I suppose if it were that easy no one would ever be anxious in the first place, much less in need of medication and therapy. Sometimes, though, I just feel so helpless that I want to burst into tears of frustration. I know crying can actually help us feel better, but I don’t want to spend my time throwing a pity party for myself either and fogging up my glasses. 

Got a little drowsy and laid down for a minute… until I heard my rat “calling” me. Yeah, Hoodie likes to rattle the cage door when he’s ready to come out for his own exercise, along with the others, of course. 

In other news, I now have a brand new Kindle Paperwhite on its way to me. 

NaNoWriMo is just 10 days away and so I’m mapping out my plot for my next book and doing different things to keep my mind off of doctors, medication, anxiety and what-ifs.

Tom’s blood work came back healthy – yay! When he got in from work he told me he was pretty sure we were smart to switch to this medical group, that’s how prompt and efficient they seem to be so far. They’re not as high-tech as Sutter and they don’t have MyHealth Online or an equivalent, but they do seem more reliable. He said he got a call at 10am regarding his blood work and thought, “Oh no, so soon? They must’ve found something really horrible in my blood.” But they were simply calling to tell him everything was ok. :) I’m glad one of us is healthy and I’m glad it’s him if we both can’t be healthy. I’ve always been medically cursed in some way shape or form, though not as severely as I could be. Still, better for me than for him to have problems. I think anyone would say that when it came to their true loves as would any mother would when it came to her children. No one wants to be the one to suffer… unless they have a soul mate or a child. 

He teased me about eating hotdogs, chips and soggy potatoes with tons of salt like he does. Ew! Most of the hotdogs he eats are turkey dogs, but still, it’s weird that I do in fact eat healthier than he does yet am not as healthy. Life rarely seems to have much logic to it, though I don’t think diet has anything to do with Hashimoto’s like it can with diabetes. 

His good health shoots down the “being punished even more for the sins of the forefathers because you didn’t have kids to pass the punishments down to” theory. He’s had a relatively decent life overall yet he never had kids any more than I did, and as I’ve pointed out before, I can name several moms whose lives make mine seem pretty damn decent, too. 

The only real negative in my life is that damn anxiety. So much for thinking you only feel anxious if your life sucks. It can happen anywhere to anyone for any reason. I just never thought I’d experience it so intensely and this late in life. Knowing myself as well as I do I can honestly say it doesn’t compare to anything I’ve ever felt before during my worst times in life. It’s an anxiety you can actually taste as crazy as that may sound. It’s like a burning sensation in my throat and mouth, and I later read that it is a common symptom. 

But the good news is that I only had to deal with it for about 1.5 hours last night and have been fine since I got up a few hours before he got in. After I ate 3 chicken wings and yogurt last night, the anxiety backed off. I also read that yogurt is one of the recommended superfoods for anxiety, so maybe there was a connection… then it hit me. Ironically enough –I know this is going to sound as farfetched as hell but when you get as desperate as I’ve been you’ll try anything to help yourself feel better – the anxiety started a few days after getting my first scented wax warmer. There is still no doubt that I suffered shitty side effects from the levothyroxine and that the anxiety stems from that nightmare, but what if there are other triggers? So I researched wax warmers and didn’t find anything on wickless wax, but since different people react differently to different things and I knew it couldn’t hurt to at least experiment a bit, I turned off all 3 warmers I’ve had running throughout the house and will see how I do. It seems like a long shot, but you never do know. The most important thing is trying not to panic when the anxiety bites and to do deep breathing, read, or anything to take my mind off of it. 

I managed to do a few minutes of ab work and a few minutes of very slow jogging on the treadmill, all the while missing the hell out of my bike. It’s very hard to resist the urge to work out when you don’t just like how it keeps you in shape and helps keep you from gaining weight, but you’re addicted to it as well. Had a little burning in my calves, so the muscles were starting to break down. I will do my best to keep my body moving without my heart taking me on a mad race before I’m back on medication, because if I stop altogether the joint pain and backaches will return. 

I requested a lorazepam refill online with my soon-to-be ex-doc, but haven’t received any verification of it being called in. I guess this means the lovely doc was either not working today, not willing to refill it for some reason, or maybe she did and I just didn’t get a notice. That site is not very reliable at all. Either way, it won’t be the end of the world if I don’t get it. Seems I had a dream of the good doc but don’t remember it. 

Had one of the black bitch down in Arizona for sure. Something about Tom and I overhearing that her father had a stroke or a heart attack. Hmm… it’d be better if someone set her up and let her know what it was like to be legally railroaded for a few years. Ah, but her connections would protect her. The same ones she used to frame me in retaliation for the city complaint. Then again, that “connection” was booted from the police force, so who knows who’s covering her sorry ass these days. As long as she (or anyone else) doesn’t try fucking with mine again. Not even God could help them because I’m not the person I was in 2000. “Live and learn.” Very true quote. 

Then I had this dream of renting a room somewhere. The rooms had no bathrooms in them so you had to go down this little hallway to a shared bathroom. I went to use the bathroom late one night and threw my robe over my naked body. As I rounded the corner to use the bathroom I not only realized my robe slipped open, exposing me, but I glanced into a darkened auditorium or large room of some kind and got a distinct feeling that I was being watched. I scurried back to my room and looked out the peephole. Nothing. Then I glanced through it again and saw an eye staring back at me. I hurried to get dressed and surprise the person, but when I flung the door open and was ready to confront them, they were gone. 

Last night I got to thinking of Nane and felt a little twinge of guilt. Not because I got pissed with the way she was attacking me, but because I realized that maybe I was a little too quick to throw in the towel. After all, in her mind, she probably wasn’t deliberately trying to attack me or anything. I sent her a message on Facebook and will leave the rest to fate. I’m ok with hearing from her and I’m ok with not hearing from her.

Might as well do an entry now before the shit hits the fan again, and it’s only inevitable that it will because my anxiety obviously isn’t going away anytime soon. Sure wish it would, but this is either something that’s going to take time to get rid of or at least learn to live with. I’d hate to think I might be stuck with this forever and that this could be my new way of life, but as Tom and Tammy both said, try to focus on the here and now and not the future. Yes, I suppose I should because I don’t think I could adapt to this thing if it was permanent and if I think about that too much it will drive me batty. 

Andy asked if I’d like him to cancel his visit and I said NO! Worst case is that I may not feel so great, but I’m not disabled. It slows me down at times since I can’t do anything too physical until both my mind and body are treated and under control. As much as I’d love to get out in the fresh air and hop on my bike right now, my heart would only pound up a storm. Both anxiety and Hashimotos can cause the heart to race when exercising. I was worried at first about falling out of shape, but I’m so sick of feeling so lousy half the time that I don’t care anymore if I do. I can do minimal things like a few ab crunches here and there, but a 2-mile jog or bike ride is out of the question for now. Even just 90 seconds of jogging at 3.5 MPH causes it to pound. And no, I don’t mean normal elevations that we all get when working out. I mean booming, pounding ones that can get scary. Exercise has never made me lose weight but it DOES keep me from gaining, so I’m taking little walks as opposed to running or riding. 

For now, I’m trying to get into a routine that will hopefully help me when the anxiety strikes. It’s so damn unpredictable. It doesn’t seem to matter who’s around, where I am, or what I’m doing, though I obviously feel better with Tom in the house, awake or asleep. Hopefully, I will sleep most of the time he’s gone tomorrow given where my schedule’s at right now. 

I was doing great till around midnight when I felt the anxiety slowly seep into me like a sponge absorbing water. I tried to ignore it, but of course it wouldn’t let me. Reading helped a bit, so I’m going to try to make a point of doing my deep breathing exercises and reading a chapter of whatever book I’m reading at the time to help divert my mind from dwelling on it. 

I felt pretty shitty on and off for 4 or 5 hours. One minute I’d feel fine and like I never had an anxious moment, then the next my emotions would be in turmoil. After an anxious spell, I would get both depressed and frustrated, missing the old me. I ended up being up for 21 hours. Just 1 hour after falling asleep, who should wake me up but Tom himself, when he thought an animal got trapped under the house. I thought it was thunder at first, as rare as that is here. He was walking across the trapdoor to the crawl space when he thought he felt movement underneath like something was trying to pry its way out. It was just the water running through the pipe, though. Anyway, he lowered a stick down there in case it was a skunk, not wanting to get sprayed. The stick broke and I woke up to the sound of it hitting the side of the opening. I highly doubt a skunk could get under there. Mice yes, but skunks and squirrels? Unlikely. 

That wasn’t all to disturb my sleep that was so late in coming. I woke up with cramps, too. 

I requested a refill of lorazepam online but don’t know if it will go through. If there are any questions as to why I haven’t seen my endo doc or gotten my thyroid scan done, I will at that point tell Doc C what’s going on and that I’m currently caught in the shuffle of the changeover (and still hope for a Facebook friendship later on, though not expect one). Tom’s going to see if he can get me into someone else sooner. Had I known I’d have those really bad days I’d have taken the appointment he had on the 13th. At this point, I don’t give a shit if it’s a man. I was doing what I’m trying not to do so much of and that’s looking into the future as well. In my mind I wanted a female doctor for when it came time to deal with female issues, figuring she’d be more understanding and all that, but this is a thyroid we’re talking about. Everybody’s got one (unless they need them removed), so the doctor’s gender doesn’t matter. 

Tom printed papers from the online health site that contain my test results, plus something about the antibodies that specifically identify and classify it as Hashimoto's and all that in case there are any issues getting records transferred. 

We also spoke with Tammy who offered words of support and encouragement, and then we changed the rats’ cage. Fortunately, I didn’t have any heart boomers there as that’s a bit of work in itself. Since my arms are rather short, he takes and dumps the tray of bedding and then I’m the one that wipes it down and adds fresh bedding, burrows, food, cheese, wood chews, etc. 

Just when I thought Hoodie may stay on the small side I was amazed at how he suddenly sprouted into quite a big boy. Poor Andy, LOL. Does he realize just how big these rats are? I’ll keep them in their cage, though. 

I like the new warmer I got for the bedroom and how it doesn’t have a light. I was worried at first that it wouldn’t get warm enough to melt the wax, but it worked great. I like having the ones in the living room and my office light up, though. 

Never thought I’d say this but I almost wish it would hurry up and cool down so I could stop sweating so much. Don’t know if it’s cuz I’m fat or cuz of the thyroid/anxiety, but I get sick of being so warm at times. It’s not as easy to deal with as it was 15 years ago. 

Later… 

Below is the note I sent to Nane tonight. 

We were friends for 4 years and then one day I let you go when your curiosity at least seemed to turn into what felt like a personal attack. But then I realized you weren’t deliberately trying to attack me or anything like that and I feel like a total shit for blowing up on you like that and I’m sorry, Nane, I really am. You’re a smart woman and so I’m sure that as you and Askim both know and understand, sometimes we lose our temper when we don’t mean to. Sometimes we say shit we shouldn’t. But we always come back in the end to those we truly care about and say we’re sorry. I’m sorry I was quick to throw in the towel like that and that I threw a good thing away (you), but I’m not going to lie and say I was sorry I got angry. I think it’s ok to get angry and upset as long as you can apologize or at least be willing to move forward from there since we’re all human after all. We all make mistakes and we’re not perfect. 

Maybe it’s different in EU but doll collecting amongst women in the US is quite common. Nonetheless, a few days later I nearly trashed and smashed my entire collection to smithereens. I think I might just sell them off instead and get plants. Less shit to have to dust, and well, plants are a good thing and good for the environment, aren’t they? 

Nane, my dear, I really think you misunderstood me on the race thing, though I can kinda get why/how you would. Ok… you speak of not caring about people’s origin as long as they’re kind, yet you specifically told me you wouldn’t accept a woman as a lover. So are you really as open-minded as you think you are? Not trying to pick on you, but just make a point. My husband wouldn’t accept a man if he were single and looking yet he’s not the least bit homophobic. We ALL have things that make us more or less comfortable but that doesn’t mean we’re haters. 

When I said I didn’t want to see the Middle Eastern doctor it wasn’t because I feared he was some secret terrorist that would kill me or anything like that, but because their accents are very hard to understand. I also feel more comfortable with a woman. No matter how sensitive and smart a man may be, only a woman knows what it’s like to be a woman. My doctor, BTW, is Ecuadorian. This is just stating a fact, not race/nationality complaining. Not everyone who comments about a particular race/nationality is complaining. You told me your SIL is Colombian, but that wasn’t a complaint you were making, of course, just a fact. I think you assumed I was racist because I have less than kind things to say about ISIS and blacks that screw people with the race card. But this doesn’t mean I hate every single Muslim and black. 

And remember how you went on about how your ex was black-American, the love of your life Greek, and Askim Turkish? Well, anyone who’s read my bio would know I’ve been “in the mix” myself. One woman was part black, part PR, one that was Mexican, and one that was Cherokee. 

If I were “racist” and had a problem with those “not American” as you put it, then why would I bother with you? And why would you be upset with anyone if they may not like a certain person or type of person? Wouldn’t that be like getting upset with them for not liking certain types of food or music? I haven’t harmed anyone and I think that’s all that should matter as opposed to what/who we like or dislike. We’re simply not going to like everyone we meet or hear about, as I’m sure you know. 

Regardless, I’m just sorry I lost it on you like I did. It’s no excuse, but I’m going through both physical and emotional problems that are scary as hell. It’s like the old me no longer exists. I seemed to have stepped out of myself and life as I knew it last July 9th. I don’t know how much longer it will be before I can be helped. I just hope I don’t end up suicidal while I’m waiting. I don’t think I will. I hope not anyway. But that’s not the point. The point is I’m sorry I blew a fuse and went off on you like I did. Whether or not I hear from you again *wipes tears from eyes* do take care of yourself and know that Frau Regenbogen is thinking of you despite her personal turmoil and hell and will always be here for you, even when she’s not in a great mood. The ratties love you, too.

Surprisingly, I got my period today. I didn’t even know it had arrived. I had no cramps or anything. It wasn’t until I was cleaning up down there in the shower and saw the little stream of red that I knew I had it. Usually, I spot a day or two beforehand and have at least some cramps. It’s very light so far, but that’s to be expected without thyroid medication. I wore black underwear yesterday, so if I did have a little spot or two I wouldn’t know it. 

I have felt fine now for 24 hours and 39 minutes. Sadly, I don’t know how much longer it will last, but I am enjoying it while it does. Last night I felt so good I almost didn’t want to go to bed because I just wanted to enjoy it. After feeling so awful for so long, I just didn’t know when the next time would be that I would feel good again and was reluctant to “fall asleep” on the feeling, so to speak. 

Had a couple of moments before leaving and then at the store where I thought my heart would start booming, but nope. When I got up at noon and realized I felt ok, I wondered if I’d feel that way if it was Monday and I knew Tom wouldn’t be home for 6 more hours. He leaves at 5:30 am and doesn’t return till 6pm. During the week it’s almost like I live alone. But the mad money he’s making is allowing us to do some pretty amazing things. Like going to Sears and looking at furniture, modern washers/dryers, and the most amazing bed I ever laid on in my entire life. We could’ve purchased it all today, but we don’t want to increase our debt either. Better to leave several grand of credit open to an emergency, as we learned the hard way. Just because you have money doesn’t mean you should spend it all. I don’t like to make major purchases without having 2 or 3 times the amount of money the item costs. 

Anyway, Sears didn’t have a very good selection of furniture and we didn’t want me to overdo it, so we didn’t go to any other stores. Besides, Tom wanted to install the Caddy’s new stereo and camera. 

Later… 

Now to finally catch up on a series of dreams I’ve had over the last few days. We were preparing to move from someplace and Tom was scrubbing the appliances when he stepped back to admire his word and said, “Isn’t that gorgeous?” I told him I didn’t think we should put as much effort into cleaning the place as we should packing and moving. 

In another “scene,” I received a call from a woman about Tom’s blood work. I don’t remember what she said but I let her know I’d let Tom know what she told me when he got home. I can’t swear to it, but I think I started to say, “The heart attack that wasn’t really a heart attack” when he got home. Then I think he seemed to be in pain and said something like, “Not yet” or “Not so soon.” 

Hopefully, this one’s a sign that I’ll survive long enough to see Andy cuz in the dream he was visiting and so were his sisters. His sisters didn’t seem impressed with the place (or me?). The only negative thing was that it started raining and I felt a raindrop on my face, suggesting the roof was leaking. 

In another dream, I went to visit a woman with what I assumed were two human babies. I picked one up and kissed it and thought it looked a bit odd. Then I thought the other one, which was slightly bigger, seemed even stranger. Next, I went to use the woman’s bathroom and came back to find them jumping around in a large glass cage with these weird electronic milk bottles. After I saw one of the “babies” flash a full set of animal-like teeth at me and then read a sign on the front of the cage saying they came from Morocco and weren’t good for certain types of homes, I realized they weren’t human after all. 

I unscrewed a clear round globe from the end of a curtain rod. It was a little bigger than a light bulb. Once I’d gotten it detached I noticed there were a dozen or so yellow jackets living in it. I panicked, dropped the globe, and ran for the bug spray. 

In last night’s dreams, I had a bit part in a movie. After a makeup artist did our makeup, I was sitting at a long fancy dining table with about 6-8 other people when the lead actress came to say something to the person sitting next to me as well as myself. I don’t know what she said, but we nodded in response. 

In another dream, Paula came to pick me up from someplace and took me to spend the night at her apartment. We chatted while lazily lounging on her living room floor for several hours before I crashed in her small spare bedroom on a twin-size bed. Then she woke me in the middle of the night to let me know she’d cooked bacon and eggs. This is something she would do, too.

As this blog title says, I’ve been indescribably horrible. Ok, so I know that millions have experienced both anxiety and the awful, sometimes terrifying effects of untreated Hashimoto’s disease, but I still feel that even as a writer, and even if some of you out there may get it, there are no words to describe the heart-pounding anxiety, frustration, helplessness and depression I felt for hours last night after Tom crashed, and then again this afternoon. It’s so unpredictable. It grips me when I least expect it and it releases its terrifying grip when I least expect it as well. 

Your logical side knows you’re not experiencing anything life-threatening, but for some reason, you can’t get your brain to believe this and your body to act upon this fact by not freaking the fuck out when your heart rate elevates. I almost wish I were 10 years old. Kids always believe everything adults tell them. Nonetheless, having your heart race is scary. At least to me, it is. So trying to “stay calm” in the throes of a 110-140 heart marathon is not an easy thing to do at all. You sure feel like you’re going to die. Your heart’s pounding, you feel short of breath, you feel dizzy, you have the runs, your appetite is low, you can’t stop peeing, and your throat is scratchy and hoarse when you talk. 

I have the extra weight to lose, mind you, but there’s something unnerving about losing it by way of illness, stress or drugs. If I were going to lose it I would rather do it the healthy way I would do it before my thyroid got as bad as it is today… diet and exercise. If I could somehow stand the hunger. For the last year or two, my goal has been not to enter the obese range, and guess what folks? Anxiety is a guaranteed way to get yourself denied membership into Obesity Land. Still, I don’t recommend it. I can see why thin, sickly people say they’d rather be fat and healthy. Me too! And at this point, I’d do ANYTHING to feel better. I’ll eat oranges every day. I’ll paint these walls gray. I’ll listen to gospel… 

What I just didn’t get was why I’m having the same damn symptoms I had on the medication that was supposed to STOP these feelings. Tammy feels that if anything 75mcgs weren’t enough, but because I can’t take that much cuz of the side effects I need to be put on something else. I’m guessing I’ll be going to Armour, but I don’t know for sure yet. It’s pig thyroid instead of synthetic. 

Tammy's damn right in saying I can’t work out for now. The more physical I get, the worse it is. I had to keep taking breaks to rest while finishing up the laundry today. We talked on the phone twice. I also kept in touch with Tom at work via email, as usual. I’m glad I’m shifting onto nights and will be asleep through his next workweek. It isn’t just the thyroid that’s been making me feel lousy but the anxiety as well, and I’m definitely less anxious when he’s home. If anything the anxiety is the bigger problem right now and that needs to be medicated too, at least for a while. The problem is I’m low on lorazepam so I don’t want to take it unless I’m totally freaking out. My appointment isn’t until 11/13. 

I can do a couple of quick jogs for a few minutes on the treadmill while he’s here, but no racing through the park on my beloved bike for a while. I suppose I could still work my arms and abs, but again, quickly and minimally. I can’t spend 10-15 minutes on my arms, then another 10-15 minutes crunching. It’s easier to maintain one’s shape than to get there in the first place, so I don’t think I’ll experience much muscle breakdown with a few minutes on each part. 

Last night my heart raced and my anxiety soared from around 8pm - 11:30. I read on my Kindle, then I crashed around 2:30. Fucking traffic woke me up a couple of hours earlier than I was ready to get up (yeah, I figured I was due for a wake-up call), and then from 9:30 till 11:30 I dozed on and off. I just did NOT want to get up and face the day. A few years ago I didn’t want to get up and deal with how broke we were; now I don’t want to get up to deal with how lousy I feel. But I knew I couldn’t hide in bed forever and didn’t want Tom to do the laundry on top of his main job, even though I knew he gladly would if he had to. 

So little by little I did the laundry, but just transferring the clothes from the washer to the dryer could be a bit taxing on my heart. I had to lie down here and there, and I also kept going from hot to cold and was very jittery. Then it suddenly let go and my heart was fine and I felt calm. I hoped I’d be ok for the rest of the day, but it seized its grip on me on and off like it was an invisible evil entity having fun tormenting me until a couple of hours before Tom got in at 6:00. I just hope it’s not going to get worse and pick up in frequency before the 13th! 

Tammy doesn’t think anything’s punishing me any more than Tom does. She said bad things just happen. She’s done things she shouldn’t have. I’ve done things I shouldn’t have. But that doesn’t mean we’re being punished. I know, I know, it’s just hard to feel that way at times. Especially when things are at their worst. I really appreciate Tammy being there for me via phone when Tom’s at work. I feel bad that I felt too bad to focus more on what’s going on with her and the girls. The girls just got a nice 2-bedroom apartment. I’m happy for them since they don’t seem to mind apartments. Tammy wants Tom to call her since I was pretty shaken up and in tears, and well, that’s just the nurse in her, I guess. Even if he’s heard of and is aware of all that she might say, it will make Tammy feel better and there’s nothing wrong with giving her some peace of mind after supporting me like she has. 

For now, we’re going to see how I do over the weekend. If there are any problems he’ll take me to urgent care on Monday. 

I just hope I live to see Andy and my sister and my husband retire someday! I’d love to be near her now in Florida, but our situation is different than hers and Mark’s so we couldn’t just up and move there anytime soon.

Later… 

I have felt wonderful for the last 7 hours that I almost can’t believe I practically felt like I was going to die earlier in the day. The difference between how I feel now vs. then is like night and day. I just wish I could feel this good ALL the time. But any second, my heart could take off on a mad run, kicking my anxiety up along with it. My thyroid’s going to make my heart do whatever it’s going to do with or without Tom’s calming presence, but him being around definitely helps with the anxiety end of it cuz that’s coming more from me than my piece of shit thyroid. 

The rats are enjoying their new plush beds, though one isn’t plush at all and should be easy enough to wash. The hanging tent, though, has a furry lining. 

We were actually discussing possibly going from rats to a cat once these guys are gone. Only we’d have just one cat and it would live a decade or more instead of two years or less like rats do. Rats aren’t as much work as dogs, but they are more work than cats. Cleaning litter boxes would be much easier than cleaning rat cages, and the cat wouldn’t have to be let out of a cage for exercise and supervision. I don’t have to watch the rats every second like a hawk, but they are rodents and they can burrow into things and chew things, too. Cats can jump, claw and chew as well, but they don’t have the razor-sharp teeth rodents have. Romeo and Sugar could go anytime now, but Hoodie’s got quite a bit of time left, so we have time to think about it. This would be a good size house for a cat, too. 

Had to kick on the heat this morning, but the next two days should be warm. 

The only sucky thing is that the stand I got for my Kindle, which is a great stand, is for newer, slimmer models. Guess it’s time for a basic Paper White. 

Due to being busy and feeling shitty I still haven't documented what dreams I remember having over the last few days, but I have taken notes so I don’t forget anything. Maybe tomorrow I will get to them since I won’t have any cleaning to do. We might go out and look at furniture, but that’s about it.

It’s been amazingly quiet these last two days. It even rained yesterday and was super cloudy. Today it’s partially cloudy, but no more rain is expected. I’m wondering if we might need heat late tonight, though. 

Now to answer a few questions I’ve gotten on random sites before I continue… no, my robot can’t vacuum the whole house at once. It is too big for its battery to last the whole house, but it can do it all in two runs. 

No, I’m not worried about ISIS taking over the US. There are too many of us and we’re better armed than most countries. Meanwhile, they’re just a tiny little group of nutjobs running around the desert on the other side of the world. Sooner or later they will be stamped out of existence. At least most of them will be any way for a while. 

And no, I’m not worried about Ebola. Where there are a few hundred deaths a year from that, there are over a million from traffic accidents a year. There are 7 billion people on the planet. If a billion die from it and there is still no cure, then I’ll start worrying. I’m much likelier to have a stroke or a heart attack. Maybe even get cancer. 

Do I miss Nane? Not particularly. This is probably because this time I was the dumper and not the dumpee. I think the one doing the dumping is a lot angrier and more fed up than the one getting dumped, but I also know Nane. I’m not important enough to fight for like I fought for her when she dumped me for a few months in late 2011 during one of the most horrible times of my life. I’m sure we’ll think of each other from time to time, but I’ll never hear from her again. I’ll talk to her if she absolutely wants to talk to me since it’s not like she tried to kill me or anything, but honestly, I don’t expect to hear from her. And no, she’s not the stalking, pranking, vindictive type either. She won’t bully me or those I know or read my blog. I do still get the second-highest views from Germany but I can’t say who it is. Whoever it is isn’t registering on TIP, just on Blogger, and Blogger doesn’t give details. It just says the country and not any city info or anything like that. Too few views to be a bot, though. 

I hate it when I get followed by authors, famous or not, on Twitter. I know they’re just doing it in the hopes of me buying their books and that they’re not the least bit interested in mine. 

I like having my office in the laundry room where the built-in desk is much better than the desk we bought that’s in the living room. I got a little desk fan that makes a great sound machine that drowns out most landscaping sounds and it’s less visually distracting in here too, since there’s just one window as opposed to the 8 huge ones in the living and dining area. I still don’t appreciate my 80-something neighbor who’s supposed to be quiet in a retirement community running me out of there, but sooner or later they’re going to die and something much worse is going to end up over there. How do I know this? you ask. I just do. I know my luck when it comes to neighbors and it’s not usually very good. He’s been quiet since the day we chatted, though. I just hear little sounds of movement but who cares about that. I will eventually have a computer I can use anywhere, and the desk will be good for other things. The one we bought, that is. 

I grabbed a wax warmer that doesn’t have a light. It uses a warming plate instead. I thought this would be ideal for the bedroom if it works well enough. I’ll find out on Saturday! 

Just like I want to get some new sleeveless loungers and dresses for next summer, I want a few pairs of PJs for the winter. Something with long pants and long sleeves so I don’t have to wear my bulky robe so much of the time. Cooking and cleaning aren’t so easy in that thing, not that I cook that much. 

While I hate change I still like to try new things. So I got these cappuccino potato chips and sweet potato Triscuit crackers. The crackers are just so-so, but the chips are good. Tom thought the chips were so horrible he wouldn’t even try the crackers, LOL. Said they tasted like dirt. 

I just have such mixed emotions about all the OT! Yes, I love the money, but I hate not seeing my husband when I feel so horrible. I see him for two hours in the evening and two in the morning depending on my schedule. It’s like he’s only here to eat, shit, shower and sleep during the week. 

Later… 

Last night’s dream wasn’t very fun. It was like Mom and Dad throwing me away in Valleyhead all over again. Before this, I was in some apartment on an upper floor. Like the 3rd or 4th floor or higher. It had a really cool layout. I was to stay there for a night or two, but I guess I was in some kind of custody because what looked like a female officer was present. I said I wanted the bedroom with the enclosed balcony off of it and she said that would be ok because it wasn’t a ground floor. 

Then one day I was sitting in the back seat of my parents’ car. Dad was driving and he was asking me questions about bike riding while mom sat silently in the passenger seat. I spoke of the terrain being rougher in certain areas. 

They drove me to this strange “Valleyhead” and after they left I entered a moat-like body of water that “slipped into” VH. I pulled myself out of the water and realized I was naked and had no clothes to change into and I also realized I’d left a set of 3 keys in my parents’ trunk. Keys that were very important. Before the “students” left for vacation they locked their bedding and other belongings in storage bins and now I was unable to get into mine. I contemplated calling them but realized they couldn’t get back to me with the keys soon enough. 

Desperate to find some clothes and a blanket, I began hunting inside the building and at one point I entered a huge room that was divided in half. On one side, everyone was in their bunks asleep. I peered underneath the wide doorway, which was several inches from the ground, in hopes of finding a blanket I could snatch. All I saw, though, were neatly folded stacks of clothes and personal hygiene items like hairbrushes, tampons, makeup and toothpaste. 

I asked some young, dark-haired girl for help and she said, “I told you where they are. They’re in that dark corner.” 

That “dark corner” was on the other side where no one was asleep yet. I quickly snatched up a blanket to cover myself with, and then I saw some guy carrying a bunch of colorful coats. Thinking I could use one of them, I followed him to where he was going to place them on a long rod. All of a sudden I realized I’d left my purse in the other room and wasn’t so sure I should take the time to wait around to grab a coat.