We screwed yesterday and I didn’t have to beg. I only asked once. Do I think he’d have initiated it if I didn’t? No. He prefers to wait until the weekends, but that’s OK.

I’m gonna be giving him his first sign language lesson tonight. I’m gonna teach the way teachers do and the way I’ve taught before. I’ll start with the alphabet, then I’ll do the chapters containing the most common and useful words.

I spoke to my mom yesterday, but not Dad. He was asleep. They both have colds.

Mom started to ask if I looked for something, but then she changed the subject and told me to never mind. I have no clue as to what that could’ve been all about. If she were talking about a package she’s sent, she wouldn’t keep it such a secret.

I’m tired today due to going to sleep late and getting up early. Usually, I wake up when I get going, but nowadays, if I’m tired to begin with, then that’s how I stay all day and night.

The cable company added about 40 new channels and I hope soon enough that we can get some kind of TV guide that lists all these new channels. There’s one channel I like so far cuz it has Twin Peaks. There’s also one with The Bionic Woman.

Tom and I got to the end of the Myst game yesterday. Boring! I also completed all 50 levels of Balistic yesterday, too.

I think I really remembered what Robin really said to me in the cabin before she took me to her cabin. First I thought she said she’d kiss or tickle me, but I think she took my hand and teasingly said to go to sleep and that she wouldn’t stop kissing me till I fell asleep or if I didn’t go to sleep she’d keep kissing me. Or was it tickling me? I don’t know.

Guess I’ll go read the last of my library books now. I just started it, but I know I’ll finish it by 3/16 when it’s due.

Yesterday, sure enough, that teenager showed up to play ball. When I spoke to him, I told him I could deal with it twice a week for a half-hour and so far he’s kept his end of the deal.

I was a bit bummed out last night and today about Tom’s “good news” about this sick leave he discovered he has. How dare he keep playing with my head?! He said he has worried he couldn’t get time off for this new baby we’ll never have. What else has he been worrying about that he hasn’t told me pertaining to a kid? Well, I guess it doesn’t matter.

We’ve got lots of new channels today. More reason for Tom to be glued to the TV than doing whatever with me. I’ve already got to wait till Saturday to get laid. Maybe if I beg for it I’ll get it, but I’d really rather not beg.

I’m watching Charlie’s Angels now.

It’s very cool and windy out now. I’m amazed it hasn’t knocked out the cable.

I mopped the kitchen floor and made Tom Hamburger Helper for his dinner when he comes home.

I quickly spoke to my mom. She and Dad have colds.

It rained last night, but I don’t know for how long. I awoke at 10:30, but only to pee and smoke a cigarette. It also rained a little while ago very briefly, but the good news about it is that it doesn’t look like the roof over the back room leaked.

I hope no one will play ball next door today like they didn’t yesterday. It was obviously due to the cool damp weather we’ve been having. I wish it were summer. It’s so quiet in the summer, but by then, someone will surely be next door.

I wish I could run into that kid so I could ask him what the hell he meant when he told me about the black lady and her 13-month-old son. Maybe such a lady did exist and just told him that for the hell of it. Or, maybe she really was gonna move in but changed her mind.

Yesterday I read 170 pages in my library book. Definitely the most I’ve ever read in one day.

Later...

Tom just got in early cuz he went to bed early. He says there’s a possibility of snow here tonight. There fucking better not be!

I was wrong last Saturday when I said there’d certainly be no sex cuz of our little squabble the night before. He initiated a good screw. Yesterday he went down on me and I sure hope I don’t have to wait till next Saturday for sex.

He got solutions to the game Myst from AOL yesterday, but most of it is impossible to understand.

As I said, the weekend was fun, happy and productive. There was only one dumb thing he did.

He called me to the kitchen table saying he had good news to tell me. Then he picked up an employee handbook from work and showed me how he had accumulated sick days he didn’t even know he had. He said his point was that he could use those days after the baby was born and that he had been worried that he wouldn’t have time. Oh, brother! Time for what? To talk about it? To tease and pretend it’ll happen?

How many kids will I have to chase away from next door’s basketball hoop today? Yesterday, shortly after 6:00, I was about to go chase them off, but they left as quickly as they had come, luckily. I wish I knew someone who’d destroy that fucking thing! It’s too fucking close to this house! They may as well be bouncing the damn ball off the walls of the house here.

I got a message from Tammy yesterday who said that if I just ease up and let things happen naturally, all will work out. Including having a baby.

It’s almost like she and Tom spoke about this. Her choice of words is just like Tom’s when she said to “let things happen naturally.” And also, how does she know I have a hard time easing up? What makes her so confident as to what the problem is? How and why is she so confident that in time it’ll work out and that he’s telling the truth? She says exactly what Tom and Kim said about it.

We stopped over at his parent’s yesterday and Mary and Dave were there, too.

Time to go start this week’s round of letters to my parents, Kim and Bob.

Tom wouldn’t have offered to screw me yesterday on his own, but he agreed to when I asked him. I then changed my mind, though, and had him eat me out cuz I had wanted to go to bed.

After eating me out, though, we got into another one of our losing, depressing, angering, frustrating, and confusing conversations. If I’ve said this before, I’ve never said it now with such intense certainty. I could never have a child with this guy, even if it were possible. He’s just too contradicting, too full of shit and that kid would really kill our marriage.

When I told him yesterday that I feel controlled and that everything has to be his way, he turned that all on me. I told him that I feel that he won’t give going to a doctor earlier a chance to see if it’d help my emotional state and that all he cares about are his feelings. To hell with if I have to spend another year or longer depressed. Then he said something about the fact that he may never be whole again and may go over the edge and never be able to have a family if we went earlier. Now how can anyone tell me he wants a kid and isn’t trying to punish me? His not cumming or going to a doctor isn’t just due to his fears of having a kid and due to loving to tease me about it. It’s to punish me.

Then he comes out and says his problem could be cuz the moon is round after I asked him if he thought the reasons for his not cumming could be what I think they are. This isn’t what he’s always told me. He’s firmly sworn it wasn’t cuz of what I said it was.

Then he said another cold statement to cover the truth. He said he’s worried about having a kid with me for doubting him so much that I’d want to see a doctor earlier. What a mean spiteful thing to say cuz he feels being pushed into being the father he doesn’t want to be that he lies about and says he does want to be.

What am I supposed to think after two and a half years? What woman wouldn’t doubt him if she were in my shoes?

Then he said that if I could go 6 months on a day schedule, cuz it’s something I say I can’t do, so that should motivate me, and we’ll see a doctor in September.

What about motivating himself? Also, how sweet of him to say we’ll go if I do something we know I can’t do cuz that’s how much he doesn’t want to go.

Nonetheless, I’ve come to fully realize that this man wouldn’t be any better of a father than I’d be as a mother. I told him the appointment is off and that he either must sacrifice an orgasm with his wife forever, or rubber it up if he wants to cum. I’m telling you, though, where I used to be getting fed up by the month, I’m getting fed up by the day!

Know what his bullshit answer to losing the bet will be? Cuz we fought so much. Or something else going on in life or something I did.

I swear I’m getting ready to have Andy see if he can find a fairly decent enough-looking woman for me on the side, although, I know that’s impossible. And I’m really, really ready for us to have our own rooms again.

Tom also had said something about fear of going to the doctor cuz he fears how my emotional state would be due to something about my calling him a liar or finding out something was wrong.

See? He does know why he is the way he is, and he obviously fears I’d kick his ass. Yeah, I probably would punch him out first and ask questions later if he admitted to bullshitting me all along, but who wouldn’t? Who wouldn’t then want to know how and why he could do such a thing?

I’ll just live the rest of my life wanting a kid cuz I have no choice, but I won’t live the rest of my life playing games with him.

He also tells me he can’t talk to me about his problems which is pure BS and simply a way of lashing out at me for knowing and saying that he’s full of shit.

Tammy said to keep the communication going and this is what we’ve agreed to do from the get-go, yet as he admits, this only frustrates him. Then to punish me further, he won’t cum and blames it on me for bringing it up. I’m sorry I can’t hold in or mask my emotions, but who else am I supposed to talk to? The only things I can bring up regularly are things he wants. If he wanted a kid, then I could bring it up with no problems all I wanted.

He tells me he feels pressured. Why else would he feel pressured if he really wanted a kid? The reason why he feels pressured is cuz he does not want to be a father.

As far as I know, no one’s returned next door since they left yesterday at 11 AM. Tom said that was probably a city worker who took her kid to work with her. He says it’s become a big thing for people to take their kids to work if they can’t find or afford some other place for them. He says there are always kids where he works. There’s another reason why he doesn’t want a kid, I’ll bet. He deals with them enough already at work.

Then why would the kid say someone was moving in? Was it just in the hopes that I’d say, “Well, OK then. If the new neighbor said you could use the basketball hoop, then use it.” 

Did the woman and her kid get delayed till tomorrow then? Or did someone drive her here? Does she not have a car but is really in there and this is why it just looks empty?

Whenever Tom gets up, he’s gonna go get some groceries.

At some point, we’ll be going to the library, then possibly over to his parents’ today or tomorrow.

There’ll certainly be no sex today to punish me for last night, but that’s just fine with me.

God, though! If I weren’t going through this shit with him, I wouldn’t have so much to write and would probably be 20-30 journals behind. Then again, I don’t think so cuz then there’d just be some other shit. Some other shit would be going on for me to deal with. I kind of wish there was something else for a change instead of wanting this kid I’ll never be allowed to have.

Later...

So far today, there’s been no one next door, so who knows what the scoop is?

We went to the library and he got 2 electronic books while I got 3 mystery/haunting-type books. So far there’s one I just can’t get into.

Before I get into my terrible news, let me just say that Tammy’s opinion hasn’t convinced me that Tom isn’t deliberately holding back. He still hasn’t touched me cuz I’m not safe, even though I am. I knew he wouldn’t touch me all week as I said before. See? I know him. So, if I wasn’t wrong about things like this, why should I be wrong about the kid thing?

Tom asked me earlier if I was gonna be up when he got home. A typical question when he’s suggesting sex for later. He’s teasing me, though. I know him better. He’s done that before, but especially when I’m mid-cycle and I know he knows I’m mid-cycle.

OK, here’s my horrible news. I’ll give you a hint - screaming, barking, basketball games and wild company. Yup, the house next door has been sold.

A basketball game started yesterday afternoon, so I went out to chase the guy away. It was a teenager and I’m not sure if it was the same one as before. I told him that that house wasn’t vacant with the hopes that he’d tell his pals and stay the fuck away. Then he said he knew the house wasn’t vacant and that last night he met the black lady and her 13-month-old son that was to be moving in today and she said he could play there.

Shit! However, there’s no for-sale sign. I wondered if it was now a HUD house since a HUD truck has been there. Tom said that due to the city owning the house for a while, they’d want someone in there who could pay full price and that they can’t sell it without a for-sale sign. Then what the hell was this kid talking about and how did he come to meet this supposed woman? He must live nearby or was playing when she came by, but Tom never mentioned seeing or hearing anything.

My feeling is that somehow, with or without a for-sale sign, someone’s moving in today. I better get my “quiet down” letter written. No, this time I’m going over there as soon as things get chaotic.

This really, really sucks, though, and I know she’ll have a dog cuz God wouldn’t allow otherwise. They’re gonna have their fucking living room window open so I can hear the kid screaming up a storm while in the music room and the backyard. People are gonna come over to see the house and a single person, if she really is gonna be the only adult there, is gonna have tons of company. Mothers today are so wild and I can see blasting rap music and lots of ball games since blacks love basketball. She’ll probably have brothers and nephews over playing basketball.

The good thing about a 13-month-old is that it’s not gonna be in school and taking home its buddies, but that won’t eliminate all the goddamn screaming.

Wait till she tries to sleep at night and gets barked awake by those two dogs right by her bedroom window. Not that it’ll matter with her kid and her own dog, I’d think.

I’d love to say she’ll hardly ever have company and will be working all day and have the kid in daycare and will have no dog, but dream on!! God could and would never bless me with that and with barely knowing that they exist.

Now it’s time for Robin’s true test. Remember how I said she said I had nothing to worry about? Well, we’ll see now if she’s full of shit or if it’s some other entity that’s posing as her, cuz I still can’t deny or say that Robin was just my imagination, even though I wish I could.

If just one adult is moving in there paying full price, they better have a damn good job to be able to support herself, her kid and her house. That house was going for $600 and something a month if it hasn’t gone down.

This really sucks and I’d better enjoy my last few hours of peace. With that house having been empty since last September, boy am I in for some very serious and heavy-duty compensation! Big time!

My pigeons will probably only hang out on our electrical wires and not theirs. They’re probably gonna be scared off for a while from sitting on wires above their house or even coming into our yard due to the dog that’s about to be over there.

This really sucks! This really fucking sucks shit big time!

Later...

They’re here. I heard them pull in in two big city trucks. I really think it’s a welfare mom, cuz they help them move. I am sooooooo fucking pissed!

I heard the kid and I thought I heard their dog, but not too much yet cuz it’s probably held up in one of those trucks. I wonder why two trucks, though? Isn’t one enough? Amazingly, though, they’re coming in very quietly compared to the way the M’s blew on in here. In time, things will likely change. At least I should be able to sleep and hopefully there’ll be no trailer filled with people living in their front yard by our bedroom.

I wonder where her car is. Out on the street out of view? I wonder why the dog’s not out back yet, too? If this lady doesn’t have a dog, God forbid, then she’ll be running out to get one since she probably came from an apartment.

I feel like I’m in an apartment all over again!

Later...

I heard Mommy yell out something to some black guy. She sounds mean, too.

I wonder why HUD would let her have a 3-bedroom house with only one kid. She’s probably pregnant.

A good 95% or more of this whole moving-in process, though, they’ve been unusually quiet.

If it’s OK with Tom, I may move this little table out of the music room and back in the bedroom where the vanity is and put the vanity in here.

I heard her again. She kind of sounds like Tracy K.

Anyway, I’m sure Tom wouldn’t mind me swapping the table and vanity since he can sleep through anything.

I saw a white van and I guess it’s hers. Why does God always sic vans on me, too. They’re so loud and obnoxious, but maybe she won’t sit there with the engine idling for an hour every week, either. It looks like a piece of shit like the red one the M’s had. Something I can see a welfare mom drive.

I have nothing against blacks, but I sure hope she’s not in a gang of some kind. Do I have anything against welfare moms? Yes and no. I understand that some of us can’t help being poor, but it’s those that don’t help themselves when and if they can that I dislike. I also dislike those very much who have kids when they shouldn’t.

Later...

Well, the city trucks and white van have left and right now it appears no one’s been there for about an hour and a half. That’s odd. I mean, where did they go? I hope this is a sign that they’ll hardly ever be home, but I know I’m dreaming. I can’t believe there’s no dog over there yet. They could all be over where they’re moving from and picking up another load.

I can almost guarantee what Tom will do when he gets home. If he does not do anything physical or sexual to me at all, he may do something else that wouldn’t surprise me. Something he’s done and would do at any time, but especially with me being mid-cycle. He’ll start feeling me out and rubbing himself against me as if he’s about to initiate sex. Then he’ll say, “How about some fun tomorrow? Or, “I can’t wait till tomorrow when I’m more awake so we can have fun.”

Last time I got my period was between 2-4 AM and he knows that by late this afternoon or early this evening, I’ll be just over 24 hours over mid-cycle.

Well, I’ve done enough writing for now, so I’ll either write later or tomorrow.

He fixed the capping macro so that I can now cap after question marks and exclamation marks, besides just periods. Now, all I have to cap are I’s, names and first letters of words beginning paragraphs and that’s fine with me.

As you can see, though, I began typing with all small letters after having typed with all caps in journal 107 and guess what it did? It left the first letters of words beginning sentences capped, but it made all small letters for the rest of all those first words. Oh well. It’s only part of 1 journal and my typed journals really serve me no purpose other than as backups and for searching for stuff. I can’t run a search mode through a written copy of a journal when looking for certain subjects. I will no longer type any more journals or letters in all caps.

I love it, though, and wish I had this capping thing a long time ago. I wonder if this is part of Tom’s New Year’s resolution. To do the things he promised me long ago. He promised to fix this thing so long ago that I forgot all about it and just totally gave up on it. Will he ever fulfill his promise of a kid, though? No! Of course not!

Tom is full of it, though, when he says we could find a way to afford a kid since you have several months to prepare for it. No way! I may not be a money expert, but it doesn’t take a genius to know that we could never afford a kid. Probably not for quite some time, either.

I still can’t believe that I haven’t heard those dogs. They should’ve gotten their letter from the humane society today, too. I had a bad thought, though. If they got rid of those dogs, they may move their kids and the ones they do daycare for out back. No thanks. Still, I think most kids out here live in their front yards.

As we all know, I’ve mentioned having one weird issue after another to deal with. Or some issue that bugs me for the longest time, anyway. It was wanting the woman I could never have and now it’s wanting the kid I can never have. I asked myself, if God broke down or made a mistake and let me get pregnant, what would be the new issue replacing this one, besides any others I’ve already still got to deal with? What would he then go and do to me or Tom or the kid? I can’t really think of anything he could do and maybe God can’t either, so maybe this is why this shit has been so never-ending. God probably feels he can’t end it by having Tom tell me the truth cuz there’s nothing to replace it with. God’s always gotta do something and he’s gotta have me stuck in some major issue that I just can’t seem to deal with or fix.

Got a letter from Kim today and two from Bob.

Later...

I just got done watching some TV and in a little while, I’m gonna do Tom a favor he asked of me. He wants some ideas for his Crazy 8’s computer game as far as a heading goes. I’m going to draw cards and write the letters of the game on each card. I’ll do different colors for the cards and letters. There’ll be 6 cards. One for each of the letters in the word Crazy, then the one for the 8’s.

Meanwhile, I’ll return to write more later.

Later...

In 20 minutes, I’ll go get Tom up if he isn’t up already.

I’m taking a break from ballistics right now at level 18. Hope I beat level 39.

In my caps test paper, I did go ahead with my little suggestion for his poor little problem. Sure, I know it’s useless, but if he can give bogus suggestions, it’s only fair that I can, too. A while back we were discussing how therapists condition their patients. They could condition Tom to cum like he conditioned himself to beat the alarm. He said, though, that he doesn’t want to do anything that will take the fun out of sex. Of course, the real reason is simple. He doesn’t want a kid. I said, though, that maybe he’ll have to do something that’s a bitch to get what he says he wants, and then turn it into fun. He adapts better than anyone else I ever knew in my life.

Yesterday I came across something in my library book. A guy was with a hooker and it said he held back for hours to achieve a bigger climax. I asked Tom what he thought of it. Grinning and chuckling, he said that that’s just how they talk in books.

Right!

The dogs have barked this morning, that’s for sure. They just don’t give a damn about those dogs or anyone else around them.

Later...

I absolutely don’t believe it, but then again I do, even though it doesn’t bother me. I’ve never before heard the kids two houses down where those dogs are, but I could today and it sort of reminded me of when the M’s were next door. At least it’s not ear-piercing loud. If it were or if it got more common, then I’d be pissed, but I’m sure I’ve got nothing to worry about. How can they be outside, though, with the dogs? Well, these yards are of a good size so they’re probably tied up in a corner of the yard away from the kids. No, they’re not outside. Otherwise, it’d be louder. They’ve got their windows open. It’s a bit damp out, but still a good day to have windows open. Especially if you’ve got a lot of little kids around you.

What I was pissed about earlier is over the same old shit. This guy has made no effort to try to have a kid or to try to up the amount of sex we have.

Afterward, we took a shower together and when I asked him why he loved me he said, “Love can’t be explained. Love just is.” So, that’s what inspired me to write the song I just wrote.

He also told me how to recap my all-capped parts of this journal that had some small letters. Oh, how I wish I had this thing a long time ago. I love it! He says he can find a way to cap I’s and the beginnings of paragraphs too.

After Tom left, I was still upset and I finally broke down and just had to talk to someone else about this sexual shit with Tom. I called Tammy and I said, “This is so embarrassing and I’m afraid you might laugh,” but I told her anyway. She shocked the shit out of me. I thought she was gonna confirm my fears and say that the guy really doesn’t want a kid, but she said there’s nothing to laugh at, I’m not alone and she’s had the same problem. She firmly believes that Tom’s telling the truth and that in time, it will work out. She also said that yes, it could be physical, even though Tom and I know that’s not it cuz he’s cum before. She said a man can still be able to get hard, but still be impotent and not able to get off.

Really? I didn’t know that.

She’s had problems where she couldn’t cum, so since she gave me her advice and opinion of my case, I gave her advice. I suggested she do what we do and have Bill lie on his side and have her on her back facing him with her legs over his side so that she can stimulate herself. If Tom just screwed me without my stimulating myself, there’d be no way I could get off. Probably not even if I was horny as all hell.

I got up to level 40 of Balistic, so I hope I get higher the next time. In a way, I’m glad I haven’t hit level 50 yet as it gives me something to look forward to little by little. I’ll still always enjoy and love the game though. It’s definitely my favorite computer game. There are other games I haven’t played in a while or even checked out yet, so I think I’ll do that sometime soon.

Later...

My pigeons are out there cooing away. It’s a bit breezy out, but not too bad. It’s not as warm as it was there for a while.

No mail for me today. I’m sure I’ll get those books I ordered, but will I get that CD? I doubt it.

What did Evie mean when she said she liked writing letters and was gonna surprise me with a letter? Will she ever surprise me with a letter someday? I hope so. That’d be nice.

No, I won’t dare tell Tom about my conversation with Tammy. I’m sure he’d rather me talk to her than to some stranger of a nurse, but he’d still be pretty upset over it.

Soon I want to see if I can beat my 39-level record by playing that ballistics game.

At the moment I don’t really have anything important to do, so I left Andy a message to call me if he wants to chat. Maybe he can come over one of these nights after work to get his birthday toaster present.

I don’t know if I mentioned yet that Tom printed out two pictures of Gloria that he found on AOL as a little Valentine’s present for me.

Tom returns to work today at 4:30. Now watch. I know him. He won’t touch me throughout the whole week after having a vacation and especially not on the 23rd when I’m mid-cycle. I told you he’d never change and has one excuse after another. All he did was look me straight in the eye and say “yes” when I asked for a kid. One big fat complete lie. He lies about it as if he were lying about a pencil he stole. Like it’s no big deal. Just another casual white lie.

I last left off about the junior high schools I attended, so I’ll take it from there. I only attended Longmeadow high school throughout parts of my freshman year.

You see, my mother began her threats of sending me to funny farms a couple of years before she finally did it. She claims that she and Dad were frightened, helpless and powerless to change the situation. I can see how they feel that way, but I’ve always found it to be a petty excuse. I know I was responsible for my own actions, but at the same time, if they hadn’t always been so negative and so preoccupied with their TV or other stuff, maybe I wouldn’t have cut my arm and tried to kill myself or been such a rebellious troublemaker.

During the beginning of my freshman year, I was tutored by a woman at the Willie Ross School for the Deaf. She was a cool lady.

Then, I went to the high school where I did the rest of my freshman year.

On July 27th of 1981 when I was 15, they sent me to the Brattleboro Retreat in Vermont. They admit now that this was a bad move, but they haven’t ever admitted other bad moves such as Valleyhead and a certain foster home I was in and the state funny farm in Northampton. I was in Vermont till December 17th or 19th, so about 5 months. It was pure hell, but little did I know that Valleyhead and Northampton would be much worse. This was just the beginning of my 3-year voyage between 5 miserable places. At least in Vermont, you had your own room and there were more privileges and the restrictions weren’t as harsh. The food was better there, too, and you could have money enough to support your cigarette habit if you had one. For the most part, though, this place, as well as Valleyhead, treated the kids there as if they were criminals. Like with Valleyhead, there weren’t enough supportive people who wanted to truly help you and boost your self-esteem, etc.

The nicer staff weren’t the ones with the power. Those with the power often brushed us off as if we deserved whatever we got in life and made us feel worse in general and worse about ourselves. There were several staff members on power-play, and it didn’t take much, if they didn’t like you, for them to make your life miserable and to put you on restriction for the dumbest things.

After Vermont, I returned home and right away, my parents just had to get rid of me again and suggested a private school in Northampton. I refused. I begged to stay home. I felt like any other kid would feel - rejected, unwanted and uncared for. My parents, especially my mother, couldn’t be bothered with my hyper personality, my energy, my talkativeness, my need for conversation and communication, or my dreams. Most everything I did was silly or not good enough. Most everything was my fault.

I was only home a few months after Vermont and soon attended an alternative high school in Springfield. This school was pretty cool. They weren’t so hard on you and there were only a few teachers and students.

In April of 1982, I became a ward of the state. I was taken first to a crisis center where I stayed for 3-4 days. Then I was placed in a place called LaRagione’s for about two months. This was a rooming house for adults with emotional problems and there were about 7 3-story houses where everyone lived. They came to the main house for meals which was also where I lived. This was in Springfield.

My foster parents were Anna and Harry B and they were pretty cool. They had a house in West Springfield and they wanted to remain my foster parents till I was 18, but the state got in the way of that.

The same woman, who tutored me at the Willie Ross, tutored me while I was there.

Around June of that year, I was in the state hospital for a week or two. It’s a wonder I came out of that place alive. I know that they’ve changed a lot of laws since then, thank God. There were 4 people in a cubicle and there was absolutely no privacy at all. Not while you shit, not while you showered, not while you slept, etc.

From there I went to a foster home that was a nightmare. It was in Springfield too, two blocks from Anna and Harry’s. I lived on the first floor with a woman named Dorothy H and her vicious friend Valerie. I was alone there, till another 16-year-old girl named Shelly came there. She was a toughie and she protected me from Valerie and Dotty’s cruel ways and their teasing me. Shelly could take Dotty, but not Valerie. At first Shelly was intimidating to me, but we became friendly. Every morning she’d hide me out upstairs, out of the way of Dotty and Valerie’s wrath.

This is where I was in the worst of my anorexia. I couldn’t eat if I wanted to cuz of all I’d gone through, but I also wasn’t fed too much as it was. I was lucky if I could find a loaf of bread in the kitchen of that house. I was 85 pounds and my periods stopped till I was almost 19. Due to this, plus serious tranquilizers I was on, I ended up at 148 pounds when I was 18 and it took me till I was 19 to start my descent to 100 pounds which took a year.

Later...

I just talked to Andy and Quinn and then I went to finish some soup I made yesterday. Quinn said that my telling him I weighed 96 pounds made him hungry.

I felt kind of warm and when I took my temperature it said I was 99. I had somewhat of a feeling that I may be ovulating and, of course, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Meaning, I can’t go to my husband and tell him of this possibility and have him eagerly fuck me and cum.

He told me earlier that he doesn’t know that he’s positive his “problem” is subconscious but says it may be. He says he doesn’t know what the problem is or else he’d fix it. He also said, though, that the day will never come when he tells me he never really did want a kid. If he doesn’t know whether his problem is subconscious or not and if he doesn’t know what the problem is, then how can he be so sure that what I’m telling him his problem is, is the case? I’m sure he knows damn well what his 3 fears are. He doesn’t want a kid. He doesn’t think I’ll be a good mother and he loves to tease me about issues of sex and a kid.

He doesn’t want me to talk about it, yet he says he and I can bring up suggestions that may help him. Why should I bother? I know better. The only thing of it right now that really pisses me off is how he lied and said he’s gonna win the bet during a moment where I was upset just to cheer me up, even though he denies this. How can he lie to me about a kid as if it was a little white lie that could never hurt me? How can he go about it in such a swift, casual, and easy way?

I just wish to hell I knew when this was gonna end and how. Is it gonna be by him playing this game forever and forever refusing to cum as has been the case? Or is it gonna be by him telling me what’s really on his mind? I don’t see how there could be any other way for this to play out. It’s either lie forever or tell the truth.

I’m terrified every month at the thought of PMS when my feelings are intensified. I can talk to him about anything but this. If I do, he either gets upset or lies and says we’ll have a kid to cheer me up at the moment.

Earlier he also said, “I don’t want you to work just for the sake of working. I want you to work if you want to. I want you to be happy and do what you want to do.”

Well, I can’t do what I want to cuz he won’t allow it. Therefore, I’ll take second best, cuz if I don’t, I’ll just be sitting around forever, and we could use the extra money, and second best is better than third best or lower.

He also told me of an idea he had earlier tonight. He wants to teach me graphics 3 times a week and he wants me to teach him signing 3 times a week. I’ve always wanted him to learn sign language and I think he’s serious this time. Especially since it’s stuff he wants and it sure beats having a kid, as far as he’s concerned. Hell, I think he’d rather me get in trouble all over again than be pregnant.

Amazingly enough, I haven’t heard the dogs bark last night or tonight, but they sure barked up a storm yesterday morning. I’m doing one more thing, that I know is worthless, but that’s OK. I sent a letter to them from the Arizona Humane Society’s complaint dept.

I also sent Anna & Harry a letter just to let them know how my life is and that I’m sorry for the calls I made to them in the late 80s. I told them I still love them and think of them and am grateful for how well they treated me when I was 16 and living with them.

Later...

I absolutely cannot believe that I haven’t heard those dogs bark at all since I’ve been up, but that’s fine with me.

I’m getting bored more and more and I need a new project on top of my hobbies. I need to be working. If only we had a color scanner for my drawings and a laser jet printer for typing.

Andy’s gonna be moving into the house alone for the first 3-6 months. Then Michelle will move in when she gets more money.

I don’t know why Tom wants me to do this. He said he wants it just because and that he’s got no reason in particular. He asked if one of these days I’d write about one day in our lives, then about one week in our lives, minus any feelings or attitude. How totally boring.

Now my temperature’s 98.1. So, who knows if I really was ovulating or if I ever do?

Guess I’m gonna go and wind down now.

Later...

There’s some kind of city work truck next door. The same kind that’s been there before. I guess anytime now they’ll put a for-sale sign back out for all the large families with dogs to see.

Once again, I’m gonna go wind down with some coffee. I’ll also go set the VCR for Law & Order tonight to get that out of the way.

I just hope that whatever they’re doing next door doesn’t get noisy so I can sleep. I’m pretty sure it’ll be quiet, though, cuz they have been in the past.

Another time period of Tom saying or heavily suggesting he’s gonna cum will be over in a day. I knew better, though. I haven’t been upset lately or feeling like a freak during sex, but I’m not PMSing either. Then, everything bothers me. I wish I could always be within a week after my period, cuz then knowing my husband won’t allow me a child is much easier to deal with. Next, he’ll say once again that he’s gonna win the bet and will cum by April 1st, then it’ll be by June, and on and on and on.

So far, my breaking my promises to him and giving him his own medicine of false hopes and not always the nicest things, is working well. I’m down to 96 lbs. Now I just have to get a job. He said we’d discuss that after his vacation, but there’s nothing to discuss. I already told him he could control me from having a child, but he sure as hell can’t control me from other things. I’m gonna show him what it’s really like to have things go the way you wish they wouldn’t and to expect things he won’t be getting.

Remember when I said he said something about just going with the flow if he tries new stuff in bed? What a laugh I had to myself a couple of days ago. While we were screwing with him on his side and me on my back, he put his hand on the top of his dick. I thought something was wrong and he said he was OK. Then, afterward, he reminded me of the new stuff and that he didn’t want me to be curious or ask questions about it, but to just go with the flow. What the hell kind of a new thing do you call that? What kind of a joke and game is he playing with me now? And why do I have to just go with the flow? Why do his reasons behind these strange “new tricks” have to be such a secret? Is he trying to convince me that he isn’t afraid to have a child and that he doesn’t fear I’ll be a bad mother and that he isn’t playing head games with me about it? Well, he hasn’t succeeded and no “trick” will succeed without the white stuff. I mean really, how ridiculous can he be?

Anyway, the only people that are gonna know about my letter to Robert Stack at Unsolved Mysteries will be Tom, Andy, Kim, Bob and Alex. Andy said I forgot to thank Robert Stack for narrating my life. Ha, ha!

My favorite computer game I’ve mentioned before is Balistic. In the past, I’d never beaten level 13, but tonight I got up to 39 levels. There are 50 in all.

Later...

I’m kind of bored right now, but that’s life.

I forgot to mention earlier that Tom doubts Unsolved Mysteries will air my case just like I doubt it. He said you never know, but it isn’t really entertaining enough. True. Especially when you compare it to someone being pulled from a burning car.

He also told me that yes, he does believe I’m psychic which surprised me a bit. I had thought he was rather skeptical.

Well, I’m gonna stay up long enough to take care of the load of laundry I’m doing, then I’ll be hitting the sack.

Thankfully enough, there were no basketball players throughout the weekend, but the dogs bark no less than usual. Mostly at night, though. Primetime for them to go off seems to be at 11:30 PM and 2:30 AM.

I have the movie recording right now, so now I’ll write. Last night I finally decided to send a letter about my search for Robin to Unsolved Mysteries. Tom gladly helped me and gave me feedback as far as the letter goes that I wrote. I’ll enclose a copy of it here, but first, let me tell you what finally prompted me to do this. There was a case of a middle-aged lady who was in a car accident. Two men pulled her out of her burning car, but they took off before she could get their names and thank them. After 15 years, she finally asked Unsolved Mysteries for their help. If they can find two people from many years ago with no names to go on, I think they can find one person. At least I hope they can and that they will, but I doubt if they’ll bother with my case. I just don’t see any reason why they’d bother and it doesn’t seem meant to be and although they do a variety of different subjects and related subjects to mine, I think the little girl who gets stolen from her backyard is more important for them to air. If they aired it, though, it’d be just my luck that she wouldn’t be watching if she’s alive and also just my luck if someone that knew anything wouldn’t bother to call in any info if they were watching.

I called 800 info for their number and when I called Robert Stack came on with an initial greeting. Then some other guy came on giving the two choices. You hit #1 for new story ideas and #2 for info relating to a case. They said all story ideas must be typed and they must include your full name, number and address. They said it’d take about 12 weeks for them to get to it. I guess, from the way it sounded, they’ll send a letter, either way, saying they’re interested or to fuck off. So, mid-May should be when I’ll get my fuck off notice. It’s still a pretty fun joke of a game to play and it’s something someone can’t say I didn’t try. Not even I can say I didn’t try to put any effort into it after all Tom and I tried to no avail on our own.

Here’s a copy of that letter.

Dear Unsolved Mysteries,

First I would like to say that I have enjoyed your show for many years. The variety of the stories you cover is great.

My name is Jodi Lin. I’m writing to you with the hopes that you can help me find someone who made a difference, for the better, in my life. Unfortunately, I do not know this person’s name. She was a camp counselor at a camp I attended when I was 9 years old in 1974. The camp’s name was Camp Naomi in Raymond, Maine, but has been known as Camp Nashoba North since 1988.

I came from a troubled home and was a very troubled child. This is why I only attended this camp for about 2 weeks that summer, then I had to leave. While I was there, however, I met a camp counselor whose first name may have been Robin. She was very kind to me and very understanding of my situation. She really made me feel wanted and cared for and she really listened to things I had to say. I’ve tried for a long time to find this woman, but I haven’t been able to. The reason why I’d like to find her is that I just want to say “thank you.” I’m 30 years old now, but I never forgot her friendliness and kindness.

All I know about this woman is that she may have been a supervisor or a specialist of some kind. She had her own cabin and I stayed there with her and her medium-sized brown dog on my last night there. She was about 5’ 5” with shoulder-length brown hair, brown eyes and slender. At the time, she probably was between 17-21 years old.

When my father came to pick me up from this camp to bring me home to Massachusetts where I grew up, we were crying as we said goodbye to each other, and she gave me a Polaroid picture of her dog.

This is all I really remember about her, but if there’s anything at all you could do to help me find her and put us in contact, this would be appreciated from the bottom of my heart.

I’ve got 20 minutes to write and no, I haven’t forgotten about going through my life in more detail. I’ll get on with it soon enough.

I just thought I’d go through what we did yesterday. I got up around 11 AM, and then we left at 1:45 to go to play miniature golf. For the first time in my life, I was ahead of him, and then he kicked my ass in the end and won. It was fun, though.

Then we went to eat at Dairy Queen and then headed for Walmart. There, we got Andy’s toaster for his birthday present which I wrapped in paper with all kinds of funny lines and sayings on it. I also got birdseed and a birthday card for Andy.

Andy and Michelle are going to be moving into that house on March 1st.

Then we went to Staples where Tom got his mom a new mouse and paint to cover up the stuff he put on the roof to prevent leaks (we hope!). I got envelopes and 6 new pens. So far 3 of them seem to skip. There’s pink, purple, green, blue, red and black. Instead of highlighting each date, I’ll just do a different color every new day for a while.

Tom took his parents to the racetrack today, but I haven’t done too much today yet.

It’s been beautiful out, in the 80s and it made me feel really good to hear Tammy, Larry, Sandy and Jenny tell me how cold it was there with 5’ of snow and it was still coming down.

I’m pissed off cuz about a week ago, someone changed the security light next door, so now that thing blares on for ½ hour at a time while I’m trying to listen to music in the peaceful darkness.

No basketball players in the last couple of days, but I expect I’ll have to chase a few away here and there and hope that they, as well as their friends, get the message - fuck off!

Leave it to me for it to be just my luck to be next to the only house on the street with a goddamn basketball hoop.

I heard on the news that any high school kid who doesn’t pay child support can’t have extra activities in school. God, it’s getting so common! I think I’ve heard that 8 or 9 out of 10 women have their kids between the ages of 15 - 22. Shit!

Well, it’s TV time, but afterward, I’ve really got some far-out news to tell.

Well, Andy’s birthday card is gonna be late getting to him. I totally forgot all about it cuz I’ve been busier. I left him a message asking him if I’m still sending it to the same place. He mentioned having filled out an application for a complex, only to end up getting fucked over by them. He said they couldn’t get the people out of what was to be their new apartment, then offered him another one, but they hated it. He mentioned already filling out a change of address card at the time, too.

Today he left a message saying they’ll be renting a house for $350 a month which is excellent. You could never find a deal like that back East. He says it’s a 700-square-foot, 1-bedroom. It’s a duplex, which I didn’t know they had here, with carports in the middle of them and there’s a single woman living next to them. I’m happy for them and I hope this works out.

Tomorrow we’ll be buying his birthday present. A toaster. We’ll also be stopping by other stores, going food shopping, and playing miniature golf.

I noticed on my list of notes that I mentioned getting two letters from Kim yesterday, but I don’t think there’s anything too important about those letters to mention.

Yesterday and today there were some hang-up calls, so who knows if it was Jenny or maybe even Nervous. I’m right by the phone now, so let me see if Nervous’s phone is hooked up again.

Nope. It now says it’s not in service. I don’t think Nervous would even bother at this time and I’m pretty sure Fran lost our number and doesn’t remember my married name, either.

Yesterday I organized my drawings, getting them prepared to try to sell. I’ve got 3 groups. Group 1 is people, group 2 is animals, and group 3 is flowers. I wrote a list of their file names in journal 54.

I may have accidentally said our bet was up on March 1st, but it’s really up on April 1st, even though I’m 200% sure I’ll win. Actually, I’m 1000% sure.

Yesterday Tom asked me to make some beads to hang on the light fixture of the second ceiling fan in the back room that we never use cuz of how the roof above it leaks. I did and asked if I could have a kid for it. He said yes.

Yeah, right!

Today was a good day, but before I get into it, let me tell you what happened yesterday morning at 10:00. Some high school kid started playing basketball next door and of course Tom was here. Finally, after an hour of it, I said fuck it cuz I live here too and politely told the kid my grandmother was sick and asked him to leave. He was cool about it and left. Tom didn’t seem the least bit upset by this and I couldn’t have really cared if he had been.

Then, today at 6:00 a younger kid was playing, and I asked the same thing and he was very nice about it too and took off.

How the fuck do they know it’s vacant next door? There’s no for-sale sign. Is this gonna be God’s latest thing? He just has to do something, huh? Well, it’s better than that house being sold, cuz then it’ll be an everyday thing, not to mention their barking dogs.

Anyway, we went to the IMAX Theater in Scottsdale (Snottsdale) and we saw a half-hour documentary on storm chasers. It was pretty cool, but they’re full of it when they say the screen’s over 6 stories tall. If that were so, each floor would have to be my height and maybe even a bit shorter. It’s not 120 feet wide, either, but about 75. It’s about 75 feet tall, too. Still, it was neat to see.

Then we went to the mall for a bite to eat, came home, and then went back out to the library where I got two books to read.

Another day of the same old boring shit sexually. Earlier he told me there was plenty of time for him to win the bet. Now, what did that statement mean? I know better and that he has no intentions of winning and if he did, he'd cum by my hand only once to get me off the cigarettes for a day and so he could trash the back room.

I feel so bad for those dogs two yards down. They whine every time it rains out and the owners really just don’t give a shit at all. Maybe I’ll call the Humane Society on behalf of them as I originally considered. How do they stand it? I mean, I know they’ve got kids and therefore it just blends in all together, but how do they sleep?

I hope Tom gets home soon from his errands cuz I only have half a cigarette left.

I did another load of laundry and had the clothes out for a few hours and right after I took them down it began to drizzle, so that was perfect timing.

I just did Larry and others an envelope I think they’re really gonna like. I did 3 plants sitting in pots on the front. On the back, I drew a silver rod and drew 5 hanging plants.

Speaking of envelopes, Tom said Nickolena sent Mom a Valentine and decorated the envelope. Tom says he’s sure the idea came from me, or else they’d have just done something on a separate piece of paper. Yesterday I did a Valentine’s banner for Tom with words and drawings on old adding machine paper.

A miracle happened yesterday. Tom finished the back room and I can now vacuum 99% of it. I just hope it’ll stay this way, but after 2½ years, I’m grateful.

I wonder how many more years it’ll take him to cum, although I know better than that. He’s still teasing as far as sex goes. He said he was gonna wake me up since I took care of myself yesterday cuz I couldn’t get him to. This is one area where I’m glad he’s full of it cuz I don’t like being woken up. It’s the lying I’m sick of. He said he wants to win the bet so he went all out to clean the back room so he doesn’t have to have that on his mind. Now, if you’ve got to have a room cleaned in order to cum, you’ve got a problem. Well, he may not have the room on his mind, but he’ll have the fear of a kid on his mind.

I haven’t heard any kids, so that’s good, cuz if you’re like most people, you don’t want to deal with it unless you know you’ve got to deal with your own kids.

Got a package from my parents. They sent a new cow wind socket. Cool. This one’s a bit longer and a bit different looking. They also sent a small wind socket and a bracket to put up a mini flag. They sent the following for mini flags. A Halloween flag, hearts, a pineapple and one with a slice of watermelon and a drink next to it. The last one is the one we put up. For big flags, they sent a pineapple, a cactus and coyote, and a fish. I put the cactus one up over the microwave and the fish are up in the back room.

They also sent a shade screen for the car.

I don’t know why they bother with sending so many pineapple ones. I hate those. They’re so boring. It’s amazing how little these people know their own daughter. Back on Oswego Street, they sent me these disgusting lemon, lime, and orange sugar-coated candies. Don’t they know I hate citrus flavors?

Any flags I don’t put up, I keep in the hall closet, cuz you never know what we or someone we know may do with them in the future.

When Tom was last over at his parent’s house, they sent back some cake for me, a swing, and a monkey bar. They’ve been put up out back, too, so the backyard is pretty much decorated really well and has all kinds of stuff out there.

Tom says he wants me to trim his hair again soon. Oh, God! Does he really think I can learn to do it right? Well, he says so. I trimmed my pussy hair and did it in a much better way. I shaved it, but as I got closer to my clit, I trimmed it. That way there’s less stubble and won’t scrape up more hair molecules.

This Wednesday we’re going to the IMAX Theater. A coworker of his won tickets and he gave them to Tom. The screen there is supposed to be 60 feet tall and 120 feet wide. That ought to be interesting.

Kim called last night. Now that she’s got over female problems (hopefully), she now has intestinal problems. Hopefully, she’ll be OK.

I left Tammy a message and hope to hear from her soon.

Other than that, there’s not much else going on. Tom wants me to draw the cactus/coyote flag. I’ll do it on another CD label of his and I’ll also be doing it on my parent’s envelope for their next letter.

Later...

Well, Tom just told me that at 8:00 when his show’s over, he wants me to “spoil” him. Yeah, I’ll spoil him with a wicked hard-on. It’ll be good timing, too, seeing that he’ll be up for over 12 hours. I wonder if he’ll try these new things he mentioned or if he’s just talking.

Later...

The good news is that I did a really good drawing.

The bad news is the same old shit and I’m finding myself thinking of leaving here and there. It’s just that I love this guy so much otherwise that I can’t imagine leaving. I’m just so sick of his lies pertaining to sex. It’s all bullshit. The waking me up, the new stuff, the bet, the kid, etc. He said he knew I didn’t believe him, but to just wait a week to see who’s right cuz he doesn’t want to blow his chances during the relaxing vacation he wants. He doesn’t want me to be quiet about it to up his chances of cumming. He wants me to be quiet cuz he just doesn’t want to hear it or deal with it. I can’t make him deal with it, either, cuz all he does is get upset and blame me and turn an attack on me. There’s no way I can demand we get help now cuz there’s no way he’ll budge, and he’ll just cry no opportunity.

Well, like that woman said, there’ll be no kid as long as I’m willing to set aside my wants in order to make him happy. The only way I can make him happy is for him to never cum, for us to never have a kid and for me to allow him to tease me with these issues.

I miss mutual sex and if it was up to me, I’d only have him go down on me since screwing is only for me. Screwing is something I enjoy, but it also makes me feel like a freak and I’ll sure as hell never get pregnant by it.

I could demand only oral sex, but then he’ll insist he doesn’t like the idea cuz then he can’t play with my head. I swear that sometimes I feel all he wants me here for is to clean the house, draw him pictures and be something to tease and bullshit! I’m so sick of people controlling me all my fucking life. I can’t stay at home, I can’t wear the clothes I want, I can’t be a singer and I’m certainly not allowed to have a child. Am I ever gonna be able to do something that I really want without someone or God trying to stop me? My own fucking husband insisted he’d cum long ago. That was a lie. He promised us a child. That was a lie. He’ll never allow me to have a child, no matter what. What did I do to him to piss him off this much to sacrifice an orgasm so as to never allow me a child? What did I do?!?!