Well, I learned all by myself how to print out messages sent on Prodigy. Now I can copy in those, too. Got one from Tammy recently.

Not much has gone on since I last wrote. I simply cleaned the bathroom, did laundry, played computer games, played with my pig, and typed letters. One to Bob and the other to Kim. Hopefully, Tom will get up soon so we can have some fun. There hasn’t been time yet since he’s been off.

Right now I believe I’ll go watch TV. I’ve got a lot of stuff taped.

Got a letter from Bob today. He used one of the stamped envelopes I sent him. He drew some flowers and I used one of his ways out in the living room. I never really liked the teddy bear that was by the table, so I erased it and did a thing of leaves, 3 different colored tulips, and a rainbow over it.

No concerts! I still haven’t heard the van.

I typed letters to Bob, Fran, Kim and my parents. I talked to Andy, who sold his car and is looking for another one.

Let me go have a cigarette, then I’ll write more.

Later...

I got two funny messages which I’m going to tape and edit. Ricky called from Fran’s and he made it sound like I picked up and he was talking to me. Then, after the 3 minutes were up, Fran called back saying, “You bitch! Why’d ya hang up? I wanted to talk to you!”

I called his regular number, but it said it was being checked for trouble. As in disconnected. So, I beeped him on his beeper and after a while, I figured he wouldn’t call back cuz it was getting late there. Sure enough, as soon as I went in to take a shower, he called.

As usual, there’s no answer at Nervous’s. I doubt he’s still with Crystal, cuz I’m sure she’d have a hard time dealing with never answering the phone. From what I hear, this girl knows a lot of people and is a phoneaholic. I never even get a busy signal. He’s probably bummed out, mad at me, missing me, and doesn’t want to deal with me or Fran calling him.

Well, time to go do something else.

I’ve been meaning to write about something I’ve noticed since last Thursday. No van across the street! Yeah! Oh God, please don’t send it back?! It’s been wonderful not to have to listen to the prick sit there gunning his engine for 45 minutes. Last Thursday I slept through them playing cuz I had the fan on. The other two Thursdays before I didn’t have to deal with it too much as I was at the dance studio. If this weekend’s silent, then it’ll be nearly a whole month of peace and quiet. Thank you, God! I barely hear next door’s dog or kids too, thankfully. Out of all the places I’ve lived while on my own this is definitely the quietest. If I am beat, though, and don’t want to risk being woken up, I turn the fan on medium, otherwise, I’d probably hear the mail going into the mail slot.

We’re expecting packages too, and the mailman rings the doorbell. Geri is expecting one, Tom is, and so am I. I’m expecting CDs, address labels and stuff from Fingerhut.

Andy was going to come over tonight, but he fell asleep. I can’t wait to show him my artwork, and he needs more tapes done. He did send a surprise letter in the mail. It was cool of him since I’m no longer back East and his letter was funny. I copied it into #54 which I tore out several sections of like I did with #53. If worse comes to worst, though, I can always recopy them as I did with the old tiny journals. He also sent a religious note and a picture of a lighthouse at Martha’s Vineyard that someone left him. Also, a tax business card, an NPN card for a plate, and a Red Lobster restaurant questionnaire form which he filled out. After I copied the letter (his), I mailed it to Fran, along with the lighthouse picture. Bob got the Red Lobster survey. Nervous is getting the plate. I stuck the tax card and the religious letter in an NPN envelope.

When Tom got home, he cooked us hash browns and I wrapped change. He has these really cool coin counters that are so much quicker and easier. This is the first time in my life I enjoyed wrapping coins. I wrapped $10.50 in a fraction of the time it’d normally take.

A while back I gave Tom my little unicorn address book, cuz I copied phone numbers in #35. Well, right after he went to bed, I copied in phone numbers for him. He has this really neat thing that looks like a calculator, but it holds names and numbers.

I typed letters to Fran and Bob, played a game and watched TV. I have one 1-hour show I taped earlier. I think I’ll go play my game, then see it.

Later...

Well, the good news is that I’ve had 14 cigarettes today, rather than 17, but the bad news is that I’m tight in the lungs.

Andy just called. He just woke up and is now getting ready to go to work. Boy, I sure don’t miss feeling his stomping footsteps. I don’t know how anyone below him deals with it. Hopefully, he can come over tonight, so I can show him my art, dub some tapes for him, and give him back the shirt with the button I sewed on it.

Later...

Tom’s taking a shower now. He cupped my back a little to break down the tightness. Shit gets stuck down there every now and then and it’s not always easy to cough up.

I was reading back at the beginning of #10 and browsing through several others. I can only imagine how many words I’ve misspelled and left out of sentences. Also, sometimes my handwriting is neat and other times it’s sloppy as all hell. It depends on my mood and how awake I am.

Tom just got out of the shower. In about half an hour he’ll be going to work. After he leaves, I’ll watch TV and make some coffee. Bye for now.

Later...

At 8:00 this morning I was browsing through the TV guide when I saw her name. Jenny Seagrove (Norah) in Nates and Hayes. I taped it when I fell asleep at 10 AM and saw it when I got up at 4 PM. It sucked, and it was all pirates fighting the whole time. Jenny looked better in The Guardian, as there she was shown more and in modern clothes. In this movie, she wore Little House on the Prairie-type clothes all the way through. Her hair was longer, though.

Got a really nice letter from Dad. I called and the bitch answered saying it hasn’t been a month. She knows damn well I can afford to call her. This is just her excuse as a way to not deal with me too much. Fine. I hung up on the bitch.

Andy left a message saying he wouldn’t be over, his car died, he already sold it, but don’t worry about him. How’s he going to get to work? Probably a coworker or a cab.

Tom brought some KFC home after work. That was nice, cuz I was so hungry. Tomorrow he’ll get groceries.

We chatted for a while and he went to bed. He mentioned us having fun tomorrow night. Yes, the sex is getting better, easier, and more frequent.

After he went to bed I played with the pig, watched TV, and typed a letter in response to Dad’s letter. Did some knitting, too, and now I’m not sure what I’ll do next. I’ll figure it out.

I just accidentally took my meds too soon, therefore, my heart just took off on me for about 45 minutes or so. I feel better now.

Got a letter from Bob today. He says he sent several letters. What?! They must have gotten lost, as I doubt he’d be dumb enough to send them to the old address. He sent 5 Polaroids, too. One of him which I’m keeping. Two of some friends named April and Tina, two that are all blackened out, and one of him stark naked from head to toe. I put the two blacked-out ones in an NPN envelope and the ones with his friends in another NPN envelope. The nude one I sent to Kim for her to send to Fran with a letter for him that I stuck in it. I said I was a secret admirer in his building. Also, it will have her handwriting and a Springfield postmark on it.

Earlier I spoke with Andy. I told him that the booties weren’t going to work out too well as I don’t have his foot here as I do mine 24/7. I’m going to order him address labels instead for his b-day, as soon as I get an order form.

As far as anything I’m now knitting, I’m knitting a bag for my camera and flash. Yesterday I finished shooting off the roll I had of 24. We sent it off in the mail cuz it’s cheaper. I will get double prints as well as 3 rolls of film.

I taped another movie and typed letters to Kim, Fran, and Bob.

Tomorrow Andy’s number will change. He says he’s changing it so his billing cycle is the first of the month, rather than the middle when he’s broke. He may come over tomorrow. Well, I think I’ll go now and see the movie I taped.

Later...

I just did my legs with that hair removal thing. It’s not the actual removal of the hair that hurts, it’s the aftermath of it all. I get red itchy bumps for a good half hour after I do it.

Going to try calling Tammy now.

Woke up fine yesterday afternoon at 4 PM. In the early morning hours yesterday, I did another cool wall design with shapes, flowers, hearts, bows, stars, musical notes, and other things.

Fran called and Andy may be over tonight or tomorrow.

There may be a problem with Andy’s slippers. I knitted one way too short in length and width, so maybe I can design a shirt for him with fabric glue.

Shortly after Tom came home, I outlined a little girl reaching for the light switch in my bedroom. After he went down on me and then to bed, I finished it. It came out better than I thought it was going to come out.

I played with the pig and typed letters to Fran and Kim. I also typed up two new songs. I printed a copy of each for Tammy, too.

No heavy metal concerts all weekend! Yeah! I don’t even think the jerk is there. Neither of us has heard that goddamn van.

Got a card from Kim today. It was a cute one with a cat on it. I copied it into #54, then threw it in an NPN envelope.

Later...

Another classic wall drawing! The original idea was to try drawing a girl on a hammock reaching down to a cat. I tried, but no way. So, I ended up doing big blades of leaves on the very bottom, with colorful flowers mixed in. In the center, going up higher, I drew a palm tree. I did this in the hall. I can see it from my bed which is where I’m writing.

Now, let me update beginning with when Tom was expecting Geri and her daughter Christina. I fell asleep around 9 AM and they supposedly came for 15 minutes at 1:00. I slept with no disturbances. Tom said the only thing Geri asked about me is what kind of asthma meds I take. Guess her mom’s got asthma, too.

Christina thought it was cool that I had roller skates and she liked the pig. She even wants to meet me and for us to go roller skating together. I’m not surprised. If it’s 18 or under it wants to be my friend, but that’s fine and I do prefer teens to toddlers if I ever do have to deal with kids.

Let me break for a cigarette, then I’ll continue with the drawing.

Later...

Gosh! Every time I walk by those leaves, flowers, and tree, I ask myself, did I really do that? I ask myself the same thing about the vase of flowers.

So, Dala was teaching country line dancing from 8:15 - 9:00. It was fun and I learned more stuff that I still remember. I came home and practiced. I even got Tom doing it with me.

After he went to bed that night, I played some guitar and keyboard and I even drew another Gloria picture. Some parts of it are OK, but others are out of proportion.

Tom’s going to show me how to scan my journals and print them out the same way I did with my drawings. You can even condense it to where you’ve got 4 pages printed on one piece of paper. It’d be nice to have extra copies of all my journals and I kind of wish I could safely store and lock them up in a bank vault or something like that. I doubt it, but you never know if there’ll be a fire, flood, or whatever. Can’t send it to Tammy. She’d read every single word.

Yesterday I didn’t really do too much and slept late. I woke up pretty wheezy again, so I’m being really careful with the cigarettes and trying to keep busy. I think I’ll go listen to some music now. After that, I may play more of my computer card game and eat.

Continuing with the dance school - I danced with different instructors and a student. One instructor was saying how cute and fit I looked, then told Jim he was marrying me in a week - but wait till I get to the really shocking part. I have never ever in my life done the tango, rumba, waltz, or cha-cha. Different teachers showed me these and asked how long I’ve known them. They were shocked when I told them that was my first time. I was simply following their lead. Then Dala, another teacher, and I were talking. She wants to be an exotic dancer and I told her about it.

Then she said, “They’re hiring now so why not be an instructor here?”

I was like - what?! Me?!

She said they have an 8-week training period that costs nothing. This is certainly flattering and shocking, but I must work under the table. SS does allow you to work and earn a certain amount before they cut you, but I’m not sure what the limit is. We’ll see. I’ll discuss it with Tom when he’s feeling better.

I also got a comment I don’t usually get from women. I was sitting down and a woman named Sharon said, “You look very pretty tonight.”

Fucking Geri will be here between 3 AM-noon.

Today I got up late and Tom said that at 2 PM the idiots across the street were playing. Thank God I slept through it till it was over. The fan works great. They’ll probably blast off tonight, tomorrow night, or Sunday afternoon. I don’t think God will only have me deal with it twice in 3 weeks. I’m just never that lucky. Cuz they did it less last week and the week before, I’m sure this week it’ll be made up for tonight and tomorrow night.

At close to 7 PM we went to Denny’s, then to Payless for Tom’s sneakers, but he was too sick.

After, we went to the bookstore by the dance studio where I bought the pen I’m writing with and the next journal (57).

I forgot a stop. Before the bookstore, we went to a grocery store. I pulled $40 out of my account before Denny’s. I got female stuff (pads and tampons), lettuce for the pig, a blue marker pen, donuts, yogurt and smokes.

Gosh, I still can’t believe they asked me to train as an instructor there! I thought you had to dance professionally for a million years before you could ever teach in a place like Arthur Murray’s. This place is worldwide and has been around for a good 50 years or so.

Well, I think I’ll go watch TV now.

Oh, by the way, before I sign off - I played Tom’s killer keyboard and my guitar last night and a little bit today. I may play later, too.

Later...

I just typed a two-page letter to my parents. I mentioned Arthur Murray’s and what’s gone on in general.

One of these days soon, I’ve got to sit down and write some more songs. Tom’s been such an inspiration and so encouraging.

I gave my pig some lettuce and played with him a bit.

I also watched a little TV, but I’m really not in the mood now.

I took a tiny notebook with about 26 pages left in it, wrote gibberish on them and stuck them in 11 different NPN envelopes. I’m not putting those out and I’m definitely not putting out my parent’s letter till after Geri leaves. Although I never met this woman, I just don’t trust her. She gives me bad vibes and if she ever hurts Tom, I’ll kill the bitch. You know me, so, if she were to be as nice to me as Wendy’s been over the phone, then fine, I’ll be nice, too.

I hope my new address labels hurry up and get here. I have no more left and I want to stick them in my new journal. Actually, though, I have 14 left, but they’re stuck on envelopes that have address labels on them and are ready to go. Address labels on them to people, I mean, Fran, Bob, Kim and my parents. No! I have 10. I won’t put them on letters I send Fran as I don’t trust him. Once, he made a comment about being able to peel them off. Now why would he want to do that? And where would he re-stick them? I know Fran and do not trust him. I won’t even send them to Nervous, but I no longer write too much to him anymore. If he is in the hospital, and the guy’s got to be somewhere, I hope no one else is picking up his mail. Cuz whoever may do so, may not give it to him, call my folks, or the police. Not that I’d care if they did call my folks or the police, but I’d prefer them not to. I’d rather that, though, than for him to not get it. I’m not intimidated by my folks or the pigs.

A rough guesstimate of how many journal pages I’ve written in all is 8,000 - 9,000. Wow! And I began writing journals 2,277 days ago!

Later...

Tom got up an hour ago. He’s now talking to Wendy who just called.

Within the next two hours, I’ll be going to sleep.

As of last night, Tom’s been nauseous like I was. When he’s feeling better, we’re going to discuss whether or not I should do anything about training at Arthur Murray’s. I told Tom that a part of me wants to not bother and stay on SS which is all I know. But, a bigger part says there are too many possibilities and opportunities and I don’t want the government holding me back. Especially now that I’m here in Arizona.

Later...

I just played with the pig who I now call Desperado or Piggy, rather than Beauty, now knowing he’s a he. Every time I put him back in his cage, he screams, but he’ll settle down soon. He certainly ate enough.

You may remember my mentioning Tom’s friend Geri a while back. They’ve known each other for several years and last summer Geri and her daughter Christina moved to S. Dakota. Well, they’re moving back now. I’ve always gotten bad vibes about Geri. Tom feels bad for her daughter, otherwise he wouldn’t be friends with Geri. Christina’s 17 now, though, and soon to be on her own. I would never tell Tom what to do, but I told him I’m concerned for him, and he understands. Maybe they’ve had good times together, but I know Geri’s a user and trouble due to my good intuition, and Tom has said so. She’s a bitch. Tom doesn’t want her here after Friday when she comes to get her keys, either. Tomorrow he’s getting her an apartment Friday morning she’s coming to get the keys here and Tom’s going to get rid of her ASAP. If I’m asleep and she wakes me up, I’ll lay her ass. She also better never pop over here unannounced. Especially if I’m here alone. Tom says she won’t, though. Enough of that sick bitch now, but I personally would love for her to come here when I’m awake, alone, and in a foul mood. This is my opinion, though, and opinions are like assholes. Everybody’s got one.

Yesterday morning was not off to a great start. I woke up wheezing really bad but didn’t have to go to the ER. I left my heater fan on full blast and it really warmed up today to 78º. Leaving the heater fan on is what did it, though. So, when I could finally breathe, I vacuumed, dusted and aired this place out. I laid out in the sun, but only got a teeny bit of color.

When Tom came home we talked about music and computer ideas.

I love Tom more and more each day. I can’t believe how lucky I am. Finally someone so supportive and positive and who lets me be myself. He recognizes my skills and talents. Most other people don’t care or are negative. It sure was hard for me not to be negative after fuckface Scott who’s either continued pulling the same shit on others or was killed by now. Or in jail. I never believed those tax stories and all the other shit he got into with Eric, and I’m sure Steve and Bonnie by now. Crystal, too.

Earlier I played Tom’s killer keyboard and my guitar. I taped some TV shows and spoke to Lisa. I wanted to wish her a happy 11th birthday today, rather than tomorrow. Tomorrow she will be busy and I’ll be getting up late. I also go to dance class tomorrow night and when I get home it will be way too late to call.

Tammy says Larry called her Saturday to thank her for the birthday card, but he never mentioned getting mine. Neither of them mentioned seeing each other and now she’s beginning to feel he doesn’t want to see her. I’m not shocked, but I reminded her that it’s not her fault, she didn’t do anything and she’ll always have a sister.

Later...

Boy, do I ever have some shocking news! Well, I went to the party practice from 9:00 - 10:00 tonight. It was lots of fun. At first I thought I’d feel pretty stupid, but all the instructors are so nice. The students are too. The instructors, as well as some of the students, go around and take turns dancing with different people.

I do intend to write, but actually, I want to go listen to music first. I shall return, though.

I’m watching an old prison movie now. The Golden Globe Awards will be on this Saturday. I saw Marlee Matlin and some other TV people I like. I wonder if the cast of Law & Order will be on.

Later...

I just edited a little. Now I’m not so confused as I always used to be with all my tapes. I wish I had this organized system when I first began doing this.

I watched that prison movie, but I still have to see the other one I taped that was on before it.

I’m cramping somewhat now and flowing fairly heavily, but by tomorrow night it’ll start fading off. I usually only rag for 4 days.

I put my mail out, but I’m going to wait till later to put Nervous’s tape out.

There’s only one unfortunate thing to this house which was non-existent in all the apartments I was in. It’s very easy for someone to walk by and grab any outgoing mail, clipped up there. Being on the corner, it’s very exposed so one can easily see it, grab it and dash on around the corner onto W. Weldon. So, cuz of this, if I ever have anything important or of value to mail, I try to wait till it’s light or near when the mailman gets here.

I take that back about it being impossible in all the apartments I was in. It could’ve been done in S. Deerfield or CT. I’m surprised no one snatched any in or outgoing mail of mine in CT, and if they did, I never knew it. I wonder if the pigs ever messed with my mail in S. Deerfield? Boy, I’m such a cop-hater now! It goes beyond any of my own personal dealings with them. They’re getting to be just as bad as those they arrest. Them and their fucking power play and manipulations. You know, there’s a fucking pig living across the street here, and believe me, I do not feel any safer.

Got some great wall ideas so I’ll go take a shot at them.

I have 10 pieces of mail going out today. I have 5 for Nervous, 2 for Fran, 1 for Bob, 1 for Kim and 1 for my parents.

I must get on with finishing Andy’s booties. I sure hope they fit.

Last Thursday night before dance class I was in a bookstore in that plaza. It had some neat journals. I saw some smaller ones there for $5 each that were so nice, but I’m not sure if I want them. Will they look funny lined up on my shelves with all the others? They’re not as small as the old tiny ones (numbers 8, 10, 5 and 6) that I re-copied into bigger ones and then sent to Fran. However, they’re small than #41, so we’ll just have to see.

Later...

I changed my mind and decided I would write after all. There’s not too much else to do.

I left Andy a message and there’s still no answer at Nerv’s. Like I said, the guy’s either in the hospital or jail. I hope no one killed him. I never hated the dude that much.

Boy, my body’s sure been acting strange this month. Almost always, my breasts are sore right before that time. Sometimes they are two weeks in advance. They get very tender and sensitive. I’m not retaining too much water either, but I am bloated. What else is new as far as my stomach’s concerned? I’ve always got somewhat of a gut.

Later...

I’m still wide awake, so I figured now is as good a time as any to write.

A little while ago, I called Gina at KOOL. We chatted for a while, then she had a friend on who lives near where the earthquake hit.

Hope I get some mail today from Bob or someone. I’m sure Kim will send postcards from Florida.

Wow! Gina just said it’s going to be 76º today and 78º tomorrow. I gotta get tanning. I’m now just about as white as these pages.

Later...

Tom just got home and he’s going over some software now he got in the mail. I got no mail.

I got up at 3:00 and aired the place out. It was beautiful out.

Tom took down the bulletin board which was behind and above the microwave. I put it up over the couch for my pictures. Now all I have to do is pull the tack out if I decide I don’t want them up. This is better than having to deal with tape.

I sent most of my birthday and Chanukah cards to Nervous. I typed 3 letters so far today. In the one to Bob, I enclosed a full-page picture of Gloria I don’t like. In Fran’s, I put in two little ones. One I have a bigger copy of and the other’s shitty. My parent’s letter contained some really cool pictures the computer printed of scenery. Later, I’ll type Kim a letter.

Soon our dinner will be ready. All I’m having is garlic bread and tater tots. Haven’t had much of an appetite lately. It’ll be back soon, though.

Got my period today, too. I was luckier this month. My boobs weren’t as sore and I didn’t retain as much water and get extremely bloated. Lots of gas, though.

Later...

I’m recording a movie now which will soon be over.

Tom got some software in the mail today. It’s a program that allows you to make cards, banners, etc. Well, the musical notes in the front, plus what’s on the back cover, are of a card Tom made for me. Except for the mailbox. He tested it by using some of the pictures I drew that were scanned into the computer. I sent this to my folks.

Now there are 10 minutes till my movie’s over. What shall I do after? I really should get to work on knitting Andy’s slippers.

I had two pamphlets on doing your own breast exams. Dr. Wilcox gave me one and so did Dr. Kolnick. I put one in its own NPN envelope. Besides the two NPNs, I have two letters to the folks, one to Kim, Bob, and Fran. I suppose now’s a good time to mail Nerv’s tape if he’s around to get it.

I’m finally beginning to feel better. Thankfully. I had a slight stomach bug for the last few days. Luckily it wasn’t too big a deal. I didn’t have to throw up, but it was a yucky feeling. Next, I get to deal with my period. That’ll arrive any time now. I still do feel somewhat nauseous. Yuck! I feel like I’m cramping too, but most of that’s gas.

Another big earthquake in California. This time hitting L.A. That city sure is cursed.

Today was Martin Luther King Day. This is the second year that it’s been observed here, so there was no mail today.

This Thursday night I’m going to go to two-party practices at Arthur Murray’s. They have these every Thurs. night. I picked this night for two reasons. Tom’s off from work then and that seems to be our lovely neighbor’s favorite time to blast off. Luckily these last two Saturday and Friday nights have been peaceful. Same with Sunday afternoons.

Here’s something shocking, though. Taggers wrote graffiti on the outside of the block wall around the pool. It would seem unlikely for these streets here to have any of that. They wrote the word, “kraze.” I even had a vision. The guy’s name is Armondo or Armando. He’s Mexican, 19 years old, brown/black thick, wavy, short hair, medium complexion, brown eyes, about 5’ 6” in height. He wore either jeans or brownish corduroys, a white shirt with a torn jean jacket. He’s skinny but somewhat built. Not as muscular as me, but close. He was alone and rode a bike. Can’t see what color, though. Or if it was a 3 or 10-speed bike.

Earlier Tom and I went to Osco drugstore. There, I got some vitamins and more body gel. When the gel runs out, I want to get some perfumed lotion. It won’t bother my allergies when it’s in the form of lotion at all. No, wait a minute. I didn’t get the gel there. I got Gas-X. Tom picked me up the gel and more of that Infusium 23 for my hair. It’s a conditioner I spray on and leave on my hair so it doesn’t end up feeling like straw.

Yeah! No heavy metal concerts these last two days. This doesn’t mean they won’t blast off tomorrow afternoon, but I’ll be asleep anyway till 4:00 or 5:00 PM. The fan works great, too.

Yesterday was my brother’s birthday, but I’m still not sure how old he is. On Thursday I’ll have to remember to call Lisa. She’ll be 11. Both Lisa and Larry hopefully got their cards by now. Tom and I were going through this book earlier to see when we went to the Black-Eyed Pea restaurant as that’s the same night I bought their cards. I mailed them the very next day. I believe I mailed them on the 11th but forgot to mention it here. Tom mailed my picture at the post office the same day their cards went out from here.

Yesterday sure was a shitty morning from 7:30 - noon. I am so bummed out and afraid to go to sleep. I mean, why, why, why, why, why, why, why?!?! Why is God pitting the house across the street against me? What did I ever do to these people? I don’t even know them. I live in a house now. Oh, please God stop! Let me sleep all the time, instead of some of the time - please! Please, please, please?!?! Haven’t I been woken up enough? How long is the payback going to go on for all those people I called and woke up back east? It’s over. I haven’t called and woken them up in ages and I never intend to again, so please! Let me sleep. Let me get up when I say so. Not when someone else says so. If you must punish me, please do something else. Please? I’ve been woken up hundreds of times in the last few years. Isn’t that enough? Please, let me alone now. Let me sleep? It’s either their music or their van with no muffler. Please make it stop - please? I have no job, no kids, and live in a house now!

Later...

As you can see, yesterday was a shitty day. I’m terrified to go to sleep. I brought the big fan in here, but when the fuck is this shit ever going to stop? When I’m 35? Well, enough of those fucking assholes who will be hearing from me. I want to get to happier stuff.

I had another private dance class last night with Jim. It went very well and was lots of fun. I paid $29 for that special. These are the names of the dance steps we went over: walking step, sidestep, tap step, triple step, rock step, box step, underarm turn, and a few others.

When we came home, we made some address labels for the people I write to. I’ve got my parent’s done. Soon, we’ll do Kim, Bob, Fran and Nervous.

Later...

Today was a beautiful day. It was the perfect temperature for tanning. Not too cool, not too hot, but I miss going swimming! I was out for about an hour and now I’m just kicking back and enjoying the peace and quiet till they blast off across the street.

I just tried calling Nerv. As usual, I got no answer. He’s got to be either in the hospital or in jail.

I told you I slept with the fan on. Did it work? Yup. So far, so good. I didn’t fall asleep till about 6:00 or 7:00 AM, but I got up at 1:00.

Later...

The good news that I said I had to mention, may not be so good after all. Andy’s got 5 songs he wrote and put into demo form on his 4-track recorder. One of them, he wrote the vocals too high for him, but not too high for me being a contralto. He talked to a guy who knows Donna. This is the studio she used to work at. It’s normally $50 an hour, but the guy was going to break it to $40 an hour, as he’s got 5 songs. They figured he’d take 2 hours to do each song which was to total $400, but Andy called last night to tell me it’ll be $500 a song. 5 songs to $500 per song beats me. Either Andy was mistaken about something or the guy bullshitted him by not being up front. The guy must’ve left something important out. Andy says, though, that he’s determined not to let this stop him and that he’ll find some way to make it work out. He also mentioned going and talking to other people at other studios. I was going to do the vocals to that one song at no charge to me as I’d be doing him a favor.

I do have other stuff to write about but for now, I’m going to write an interesting chart of questions I’d like to do every 3 months. I write some questions in which Tom and I each write the percentage of probability of it happening. We couldn’t look at each other’s answers till we were done. Here are the questions and what each of us wrote percentage-wise:

Will the business work out?
J-100 T-90

Will we be married?
J-100 T-100

Divorced?
J-0 T-0

Will we live on a parcel of land?
J-90 T-75

Will the music people across the street still play 1-3 times a week?
J-95 T-60

Will I be a singer?
J-30 T-99

Will I ever dance professionally again?
J-20 T-50

Model?
J-10 T-75

Have a kid?
J-0 T-1

Will Tom lose weight?
J-100 T-50

Will I lose weight?
J-95 T-50

Will we ever make a demo in a recording studio?
J-30 T-80

Will I quit smoking?
J-1 T-90

Will Tom get all the computer parts, clothes, and shoes he wants?
J-100 T-0

I’m not in the mood to write too much now, but I will at least cover some of the basics. I went to see that doctor today that SS set me up with. He’s not a shrink, thankfully. He was a clinical psychologist. He was nice, and even he was appalled at all the years of different medications I was drugged up with. He asked for current and past medical and mental info. Also did some memory tests.

Got a letter from Bob today and my 100 envelopes. I’ve self-addressed 3 envelopes which I’m mailing Bob to hopefully make it easier for him to write more. I’m also ordering more address labels. The first set I ordered is like the ones I got a few months ago. The next one’s super pretty. They’re like prism jeweled.

Tom and I fooled around earlier and it was great as he managed to get inside a little further. Yup, there is hope. That KY jelly is good stuff.

I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I copied a partially defective tape of me, Fran, Nervous, and I guess that’s all. I’m sending the tape to Nerv. I’ve thrown it in an envelope with no return label, so if there’s any postage owed, and there may be, he pays it. I know Nervous reads my letters and does not throw them out. He may not be as obsessed with me now, he may have Crystal, but trust me, he’s hooked on me for life. Therefore, he’s curious to read them. Once that hooked, always hooked. If I were to move back to Springfield now, no, he wouldn’t see me as much, but yes, he’d spy here and there for curiosity’s sake of his old obsession. Especially if he were jobless with no girlfriend, and I really think he and Crystal are history by now. Not even she answers when I try to call. If he could choose any woman on the entire face of this earth, I know I’d be his choice. Plus, if he really was refusing to read my letters, I’m sure he’d want to prove it by returning them.

I do have other great news, but I’ll write about it later.

I just finished watching a movie I taped. It was good.

Tom came home and was glad our CDs came. He’s off Wednesday - Saturday, so we discussed plans. Wednesday I have the head doctor. Thursday he takes his parents to the racetrack. Friday I shoot for my new license. In between, we may do some shopping. He needs sneakers badly. Thursday night I’m going to dance. I’ll call the studio tomorrow and see if I can go then.

I’m sending the picture that was the last one Montgomery/Ward took, to my parents. Tom and I talked about it. I have a camera now, plus, there’ll be more Montgomery/Ward pictures. I don’t even really like how this picture came out. My hair and body look OK, but my face looks pitiful.

I edited a convo on a defective tape onto another. The tape that’s screwed up still plays, but there are parts where there’s music I can’t get rid of. I mean, I can tape over it, but you can still hear the music. Something isn’t sealed.

Later...

Got up at 11:30 today and there was a message from Kim. She pretty much said she had RK surgery, there is 14” of snow and more to come, Christmas sucked for her as 5 family members were sick, and she’s going to FL for two weeks.

She did bring up a very good point, though, as to why Bob’s not writing. He probably can’t afford to buy stamps. I’ll send a few to him.

Tom will be home anytime now. Good. I’ve been horny all day. I don’t know if he’ll be awake enough to fool around, but if not, I’ll take care of myself.

Can’t wait to tell Tom the good news, but I’ll write about it later.

Before I temporarily sign off, I will say that I scheduled an appointment with Jim at the studio for 8:15 this Thursday night.

I’m not able to fall asleep just yet, so why not write?

I finally filled out the last of the 50 postcards and have already mailed out 30. I’ll mail 5 tomorrow, 5 Wed., 5 Thurs., and 5 Friday. That’ll kill ‘em all off. There are 5 people getting them - Nervous, Fran, Alex, Kim and Bob.

I did a little editing earlier. Soon I’ll do more.

I set up the timer to record a movie for Tom that I also want to see.

Later...

Tom and I finally got our CDs today. I only got two. Gloria’s Mi Tierra and Christmas Thru Your Eyes. Finally! I’m listening to the Christmas one now. It sucks, but at least I have it.

No letters today, but we sure had a lot of outgoing mail.

Later...

I called Jim at the dance studio. Tom told me last night that he really wanted me to go after he’d thought about it. You see, at first I felt bad, cuz this is fun for only me. Then Tom brought up a good point. While there are lots of things we both like, there are things only one of us likes and that’s OK. I like to dance and he doesn’t, but he likes sports which I hate. If it gets too expensive I won’t go, but I do want to take advantage of their Jan. special. After that, Jim said the smallest package is 6 lessons a month, but naturally, he wouldn’t go over the cost of it with me by phone. I told him I’d call back to reschedule an appointment with him after I see when Tom can bring me. Probably this weekend.

Wednesday I have to go to the head doctor set up by SS. Also, I have to take the written test for an AZ license. Thank God, though, the damn crotch doctor is over.

Now I’m listening to Mi Tierra. It’s OK. I’ll get used to it as I did with Rio and Otra Vez. I wish I could get those two on CD, plus what I don’t already have of Linda on CD. Hell, it’d be great to have everything I have on tape on CD. Including the edits and all the conversations, too.

I can’t sleep yet, but I am not far from sleep, either.

I don’t know when or if I’m going to return to the Arthur Murray dance studio. It’s awfully confusing as far as the cost goes, so I’m postponing it for now. They don’t make themselves clear enough on their prices. All they say is that it varies, but they’re never specific and they’re very vague. Why can’t they just say it costs this amount of money for this number of classes? Is it because they’re too expensive and they try to hide this till they get people suckered in?

Today Tom and I worked on organizing the back room. We sorted papers, disks, magazines, etc.

Thankfully the beautiful people across the street were quiet Friday and Saturday nights. Now all I hope is that tomorrow they don’t pull what they pulled last Sunday as I won’t tolerate it. No 4-hour concerts for me.

I’ve been billed for blood work beginning a few months ago. I ignored it figuring they would catch on that I have Medicaid and Medicare and bill them. They didn’t. I got a letter from a collection agency and I’m mailing them my billing information.

I also sent for more address labels. A form came in a package of coupons yesterday. I’m getting 250 rainbow colors for $5. I’m also ordering another 100 stamped envelopes.

I did 5 postcards, too. I have 4 postcards left for each of the following people: Kim, Bob, Alex, Fran, and Nervous. Nervous still hasn’t answered anytime I try calling.

Now here’s the funniest news. Andy came over to get his list of Stevie songs. Plus all my no-postage-necessary cards which he’ll mail. He brought me 3 letters that were set outside the mailboxes where he lives. One was even from a prison inmate in Florence, AZ. All had return addresses on them so I’ve “responded” to everyone who wrote, with wacky letters. I copied their letters in journal #54 which is Book of Letters #6. I read them all on Andy’s VM. He loved them and was cracking up. Then, here’s what I did with the 7 NPN envelopes: Put each of the 3 letters in a separate envelope. Put each of the 3 envelopes these people sent their letters in 3 separate envelopes and the dance studio’s number and address in another since I copied it in #35.

Later...

Got up at 11:00 today and did a few things. Wrote out postcards, sang, watched TV, and played a computer game.

Tom just got home a little while ago. I asked him if he wanted me to read him to sleep, but I guess not. We were just talking about movies.

I hope I get mail tomorrow.

Later...

I just talked to Tammy and told her about the dance studio.

Now I’m watching a movie that’s going on soon. I’ll write later.

Later...

I decided to tape the movie I was going to watch. While it was taping (and is still), I typed up a letter to my parents. I used the last of the 100 stamped envelopes, but like I said yesterday, I ordered 100 more. I hope that with tomorrow being the beginning of the 6-day mail week, I get a few letters. I sure as hell have tons of outgoing mail.

As figured, I still have not gotten any video of Lisa’s concert. I doubt I will. Tammy says she’ll send a lot of things she never does. Besides the video, she was going to send my proofs back and a family portrait, but oh well. I’m sure she has her reasons for the delay.

Still no answer at Nerv’s. I just tried again. Earlier I called his very naïve mother who was nice, though. I said I was Julian, a friend of his, and I asked if he was OK. She said as far as she knew he was OK.

I called Fran earlier and quickly hung up after 5 words. The idea was to get him to call me back but he didn’t.

I’m dying to find out what Bob thinks of the tapes. I wish I could’ve been there to see his reaction.

The beautiful people across the street didn’t give us a concert this weekend. Thank you, God!

I loved the dance class! It was so much fun and it all came back to me. Even the names of the steps like the walking step, sidestep, tap step, rock step, box step and triple step. It’s really not hard at all and it’s very different from any other dance class I’ve had, cuz it’s a big combination of dances. It’s bits and pieces of disco, country line, ballroom, hustle, jitterbug, swing and so much more. You get 3 private lessons a month, 3 group lessons a month and 3 practice parties where all students get together weekly and dance for an hour and a half. When I walked in, a woman was teaching country line to a group of about 10 people. It really looked fun. The only bummer is, is that I’m not sure if it’s very affordable. Tom and I are going to discuss it tomorrow. Jim, one of their instructors took me back to a smaller room where he showed me about 10 different steps/combinations.

Tom went to Circle K while I was there, so I showed him stuff when we got home. He bought a flash for my camera. We took a few pictures of each other.

Luckily the little fucks across the street didn’t blast off. If they did I didn’t hear it, but there’s tomorrow night and during the day Sunday I’ve got to worry about. They’ve got company now as there are two cars there on the street. These people are weird. They’re sitting in one of the cars now.

Well, I guess it’s about time I hit the sack, so, bye for now!

I put all those no-postage-necessary cards outside in a bag, along with Andy’s Stevie stuff that I typed up for him. He’s going to mail out all my cards. There are tons of them, and I gave him tons of cards too.

Tom’s out now, but he should be home any minute now.

Last night I read him bits and pieces of journals 1 and 2.

I just got up to stick a Band-Aid on my thumb, so I don’t have to cut my index fingernail. The damn thing digs into my thumb.

The phone just rang. It was Wendy, who surely sounded in a great mood.

So anyway, these are the people who are getting magazine subscriptions: Scott, Nervous, Fran, Bob, Alex, Maliheh (if I got the right address), Russell, Mark (at VV), Mark (on Woodside Terrace, 1st floor), Gracie, Jimmy, Brenda, Bonny, Steve, Barbara, Debbie, Andrea, Robert, Kacey, Donna and Ellie. Most of these people have moved, but hopefully the stuff will be forwarded to them.

I wrote up two more postcards for Alex and Fran. I typed letters to my parents and Bob.

I forgot to ask Tammy for Larry’s address when I spoke to her earlier. Tammy said that yesterday when I called that Lisa did something that really “tore the family apart.” She says she talked whatever it was out.

Shit! Fuck! Damn! The assholes across the street are home now, ready to blast out, I’m sure. I have the stereo cranked up. They pulled their shit last night for an hour and a half, but luckily I’m going out tonight.

Why does God insist I deal with other people’s noise? Especially in a house? This place would be so perfect if it weren’t for them. The kids are quiet and the dogs have backed off. Tom says he really feels they’ll lay the fuck off now that the holidays are over. I doubt it. Even if they did, God would do something else. Well, I just try to remind myself of something very true - anything’s better than the NHA, Deadfield, Crackfield, the VV and CC.

Tonight’s that free trial disco lesson at Arthur Murray dance studio. If they have an affordable package, I’ll take it.

Going to go eat now and type more letters.

Later...

In a little while, we’ll be going out to the dance studio.

I did end up typing two more letters. One to Alex and one to Fran.

So far, no concerts across the street, but it’s still early. With my luck, they’ll be just starting when we get home.

Andy will be coming to get his stuff anytime now. His original Stevie notes and all my no-postage-necessary cards. He’s going to mail them for me.

Did I mention briefly talking to Mom? I did and she was in her usual hurry to get off the phone. She also went through her usual bull of calling only once a month.

Finally, my appointments are over. Everything’s fine, too. I didn’t have too much waiting time, but I wasn’t in and out either. I wrote a few postcards while there.

The inflammation of my cervix Wilcox saw is simply cuz I’m a DES daughter. Also, there are no scars, yeast infections, or urinary tract infections. I thought I was getting a UT infection, though, cuz the day Andy and I went to the mall, plus two days before it, I had a pain in my right lower gut that felt like it. So, I ran and drank tons of cranberry juice. A nurse at Natchaug Hospital told me that this was the thing to do. Luckily it helped. Wilcox’s nurse said it could’ve been my appendix acting up and Kolnick said it could’ve been ovulation.

Why I haven’t been hearing too much from Bob, beats me. He must be busy with that Minnie character he’s mentioned in his last few letters. I guess he’s been helping out his landlord, too.

I just tried to call Tammy, but something urgent was going on cuz she couldn’t talk.

There’s been no answer at Nervous’s for quite some time. I talked to Fran last night and he says he sees Nervous nearly every day. Well, if this is true, he’s either out a lot or has his ringer off and I doubt he’s out too much when he’s not working. Maybe he’s in the hospital.

I even spoke to Ann W last night, besides Fran. We said we got a “crazy letter.” She mentioned getting hers and didn’t sound as freaked or as pissed as I thought she would. I had pretended to be at Fran’s and then joked about it being in the 70s. Ann said it was to be 15º.

I’ve been meaning to write so many times since the New Year, but I either got busy or lazy.

Last night I taped 3 movies, but while I write I’ve got them on hold. I put Charlie’s Angels on.

Soon I have to call SS. Those assholes are making me see another doctor for a physical and mental exam.

On the 31st, Tom and I went to a restaurant that was so-so. I got prime rib but was so grossed out by the way Tom eats. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone worse and more disgusting.

We had a good day, though, and I took him to get new pants. Next week he’ll get sneakers and I may get stuff, too.

We made love on his days off, and while it gets better and better when he goes down on me, I still feel stupid in other areas.

The last two days were nice. The weather was nice.

Tom sent me a New Year’s message through Prodigy. How sweet.

We both worked on the pool and yesterday I did quite a bit while he was at work. I rearranged all 4 of my photo albums. That took a few hours. I also went through all my blank videos and rearranged those, too.

Later...

My God! I’ve been so busy. I’m not going to be up much longer, so I’ll put a dent in what’s been going on, so I don’t get too backed up.

I have to go to an SS doctor on the 12th. It’s the yearly review crap. I have to see Dr. Wilcox at 9:15 on Thursday, and the GYN who’s upstairs at 10:30.

I should stop writing now. I mean, I’m going to have shitloads of waiting to do. Oh well, but anyway, there’s not too much to tell. The weather’s been gorgeous during the day. In the 70s. Tammy says they’re in for a huge ice/snowstorm and MA and CT have been freezing. Ha, Ha!

Today I took Andy to lunch and next time, he’ll treat me. We went to a place called the Elephant Bar, but that too, was only so-so, just like the Black Angus Tom and I went to. I took $40 from an ATM and dinner came to $21. We left 3 of those notes I wrote up. One to our waiter and we put the other two on cars.

Then, we went to the Christown Mall. He got a new pair of sneakers and I got bubble gum, red lipstick and blue nail polish. The lipstick’s nice cuz it’s not too bright or too dark.

I dubbed tapes for Andy and I’m also typing a list of Stevie songs, demos and interviews.