One way Aly has found me was by googling journal excerpts since I often drop copies on multiple sites. Plus, I use the same titles. So I decided to not only use different titles but I searched for an online paraphraser and it’s so funny what it came up with but it makes more sense than that blog bot did!

So I blocked her from my second PB account which I’m hoping she won’t notice since, as I told her, I like to sometimes share things anonymously as I’m curious to see who/what comments I may get and keep things separate from those I know. Anyway, the paragraph below is how I wrote it. The last paragraph is how the paraphraser wrote it.

How I wrote it: Sending the Bose buds back. They’re just too uncomfortable. I wasn’t kidding when I said that whatever’s up there that’s been cursing my sleep for whatever reason would be determined to bypass anything I did. Will use the other sleeping buds. They’re only uncomfortable if I don’t dewax my ear regularly and at least they’re louder.

How the paraphrasing tool wrote it: Sending the Bose buds back. They’re simply excessively awkward. I wasn’t joking when I said that whatever’s up there that has been reviling my rest for reasons unknown would be resolved to sidestep anything I did. Will utilize the other resting buds. They’re just awkward in the event that I don’t dewax my ear normally and in any event, they’re more intense.

Alexa really is a helpful one. :) She said one’s diet should consist of between 45%-65% carbs, so if you have 2000 calories, at least 900 should come from carbs. Well, I really need to up my carbs cuz I’ve been super hungry.

Yesterday I took the bike down to the lake and then looped around the circle once and was fine. Earlier, however, I went down Oak and had a hell of a time coming back up because the winds were pushing against me. I’ve heard plenty of windchimes, planes and freeway noise tonight.

Anyway, when I got back I was pretty winded. Knowing I couldn’t get all the way up Oak without walking a lot of the way, I turned down to the lake and came up Tandy.

Almost feel like I’m a touch anxious but not quite. God, please don’t let me be on the verge of another round of anxiety! Especially after nearly 8 weeks. Please let me break records and be done with it!

I’m definitely hypo. That much is for sure. It’s 78° in here and I’m cold.

Sending the Bose buds back. They’re just too uncomfortable. I wasn’t kidding when I said that whatever’s up there that’s been cursing my sleep for whatever reason would be determined to bypass anything I did. Will use the other sleeping buds. They’re only uncomfortable if I don’t dewax my ear regularly and at least they’re louder.

I don’t buy that food study he and I recently read about at all. Not everyone has Hashimoto’s but I’m proof that it’s not what you eat but how much you eat that affects body weight. Been eating healthier for days now and I’m still the same. That’s okay, though. I’m just glad not to have to deal with as much head pressure or those annoying neck knockers.

Healthier or not, it’s been leaving me hungry because there just isn’t enough substance to this kind of diet so I’ve added some carbs. Fruits, veggies and a little meat just aren’t enough. Made some white rice earlier and it was bland as fuck even with margarine, green onions and a hint of garlic salt. So since I’m already burning and itching down there for some reason, I had a potato.

I’m glad I’ll be seeing Amy in a couple of weeks because I almost feel like I’m regressing down there. I don’t know if it’s just a typical autoimmune flare or what.

Was chatting with Aly about privacy issues and things like that and I think that if I’m ever going to be more public (besides what I intend to leave behind when I die), it won’t be until after we’re settled somewhere. Right now, when we’re expecting to move within a few years, I don’t know that I like the idea of perspective park managers being able to peek into my life. Even when we’re settled wherever I’ve got to consider people like doctors and neighbors. Do I really want them to be able to look in on me no matter how innocent and harmless my words might be? I could go MO but it only takes a second to sign up most places.

Continuing to play dumb to Aly finding my other account, I used the story of Facebook friends in Austria finding me and all that to see if I could get her to come clean and also what else I might learn from her. Well, the closest she came to confessing was saying that if she stumbles upon a “secret” or “anonymous” account by accident, she doesn’t tell the person she found it, but instead goes away and respects the person’s privacy unless she finds shit about her as she once did with Kim. I guess Kim signed up somewhere, bad-mouthed her, and didn’t tell her about it. This is totally something Kim would do, too. I learned years ago that she likes to show her true colors either anonymously or at least without telling anybody about a particular account.

Maybe Aly did stumble upon it accidentally. If she didn’t then if I was dumb enough to use similar titles/excerpts she could have Googled it. Pretty sure I did share a lot of similar stuff there. Another way would be to look me up on a paysite. Finding me accidentally still doesn’t seem likely unless she was going through the user list since I hadn’t used that account in a while and it’s not like I had an entry on the front page at the time she showed up on my visitor log.

Aly seems to really like to prove me wrong on things because ever since I mentioned not being used to hearing from her after 8 PM, what do I do? Yeah, I start hearing from her more. But no matter what she may like to prove and no matter how she found the account, I do still appreciate her friendship! :)

The mama’s boy came in an hour earlier this evening and left just a few minutes later. I figured a few minutes wouldn’t be enough time to cling to its mommy but it didn’t come back, much to my surprise.

It’s turning out to be a pretty quiet evening overall. Soon I’ll be going out on my bike.

The Bose bud was still irritating but not as bad as the night before. No one woke me up but it’s still too soon to really say if it’s going to be all that helpful or not. I only slept till after 10. It’s when I’m sleeping all day that the real test will be.

Used the bud last night during one of the times the fucking punk came and went (without the stereo as well) and could hear him loud and clear. Really doubt I’ll get much sleep when on nights until we move, and even then it’s iffy. While I did sleep well enough last night, it wasn’t as well as I have been sleeping. Whenever I get close to appointments I don’t sleep as well because of the stress. Not the stress of the appointment itself but the stress of worrying that I may wake up too soon or sleep too late as it gets close. So I don’t expect to sleep as well for the next week or so.

Last night definitely wasn’t very peaceful until after 10. The punk was coming and going. A small plane circled round and round. Today, I’m not at all liking all the commercial planes I’ve heard since being up. Makes me think I could be in for a noisier night when you can really hear them better. At night and early in the morning I like to turn things off and enjoy the peace and quiet during the hours when there’s less traffic and no landscaping but the fucking planes won’t always let me.

Prick just came in. I’ve noticed the new trend is to visit from just after 6 PM till around 7:30. My God, can it really not stay away from its parents for that long?

Today I grilled a beef patty in a small skillet in Caribbean Jerk marinate and added green onions. Came out great! The sauce is a no-no because it’s processed but I wanted to finish up what was left of it.

Then I sprayed butter spray on some sugar snap peas and baked them in the oven at 425° for 10 minutes. They too, came out great.

The next thing I’m going to learn is how to sautée mushrooms. Seems simple enough from the vids I checked out. You can put oil or butter in the skillet and pretty much add whatever you want. I think I’ll add butter, garlic salt, and green onions and maybe even a little Worcestershire sauce to it, even though the sauce is another condiment I’m not supposed to use. I’ll just have to learn what I like best by experimenting.

The healthier eating seems to be helping with that head pressure I was getting upon standing up and the bounding pulse, but as expected, it’s not affecting my weight. It may make it harder to gain but not cause me to lose. So far I don’t see any significant effect on my blood pressure, especially the systolic number. It may simply be a matter of age that’s got it elevated or it just needs more time.

The only thing is that this new way of eating has me hungry as hell due to the calorie drop.

Yesterday was 7 weeks anxiety-free. The critical testing time is just about here, and yes, I’m very slightly on edge but not enough to call it anxiety. Hopefully, it’s just due to the typical stress of upcoming appointments and entering that crucial zone.

Watching S3 of Slasher on Netflix. A gruesome and violent but nice treat for the end-of-the-day boredom I sometimes get. The only thing I don’t like is the usual shit in modern-day shows and movies and that’s the constant reference to race. I noticed right off the bat that they portrayed the black and Muslim characters as being just wonderful while the whites were all screwed up. Typical modern-day stereotypical portrayal, too. Promote the non-whites and make the whites look bad. Blame them for the world’s problems while you’re at it, too. The correct way for the producers would have been to make some of each color and race good and some bad because that’s reality. So not very realistic in that sense but entertaining nonetheless if you like that genre.

Speaking of blacks, I told Aly I saw a very scrawny black child with an afro hairstyle that would soon be a part of her life somehow. Well, part of this came true. The child she’ll soon be nannying for is very skinny and has “poofy” hair but she’s white.

We both swore off-road trips for life. He hates to drive and I hate being cramped in a car for hours. But the fact that he learned the trip would be free is very appealing to us! It’s called The Arc, and in that arc, you can charge an electric car for free. I-80, which runs from Nevada to the coast, is the area it covers. We could go to Reno or we could go to the one other place in this state I haven’t yet been to but wouldn’t mind visiting…San Francisco! Been to most of the highlights of SoCal (but not San Diego) and I wouldn’t mind visiting Alcatraz. Tom’s been to SF but not Alcatraz. He’s seen it from across the Bay, though. I know Aly’s been there, too.

He said I’d also like Fisherman’s Wharf since it’s a seafood place, but we don’t know for sure if we’ll go. Maybe after my appointments when I’ll have another 3 months off from them, assuming I don’t get anxious and see the shrink after all. We could leave on a Monday, which means we’d be gone during the noisiest day of the week, Tuesday. Then return on Wednesday or Thursday so we could put the trash out. This way we wouldn’t have to tell anyone we’re going or to put our trash out, and we wouldn’t be leaving the animals for too long.

A mini-vacation would be nice even though traveling is usually a pain in the ass. It’d be nice to get away, though, from the same old, same old sights and routines. No cleaning, no devices, no LV! Okay, so maybe I’ll take my phone so I can read or play some games on the road. Either that or my laptop.

Last night I dreamed I found Rosemarie, even though I never knew her last name.

Then I dreamed we visited Miss Perfect and I gave her the same cold, snotty demeanor she once gave me when she and Dave visited us in Maricopa, only I started getting rough with objects I handled in the dream, making myself more than obvious.

I was definitely too nice back then the way I would simply smile and pretend I didn’t notice her shit. I should’ve told her that if she really didn’t want to be there she could get the fuck out. She wouldn’t have come in the first place if it weren’t for Tom, of course.

Had problems tweeting sweep links for credit to my health account, so I probably won’t bother to use Twitter for sweeping anymore than I use FB. Just Instagram. Damn, do I miss the days when you could simply enter to win and that was that without having to do this and do that and so on and so forth! Sometimes I can get something to tweet, but for the most part, my health account will mostly be used for logging when I get up and when I take vitamins. So Unsplash shares for wakeups, RTs for vitamins.

Still have my main Twitter account for friends, plus one that’s private. As I learned, if you don’t want it found, keep it private.

Disabled WhatsApp’s ‘last seen’ feature. Sometimes I accidentally hit the wrong icon on my phone and Aly wonders if I sent anything she didn’t get. Furthermore, it’s no one’s business when I was last on. This way I have a bit of privacy and can read/reply on my own time and on my own terms. Aly’s not liking replies when her messages are read is just ridiculous. At least to me, it is. Sometimes I like to sit and think of my reply. This way she can’t know when I’ve read something.

No racy heart since cutting out sugar. Yeah, I think the sugary treats I had Saturday and Sunday played a huge role in that along with low thyroid.

Not surprisingly, the mama’s boy is checking in now. I’m surprised it skipped yesterday. Would love to see if it could once again survive most of the week without its mommy and daddy. Really don’t think the Bose buds are gonna cancel him out or anything else that’s insanely loud. Slept with them for the first time last night and found them to be very uncomfortable. If I lay on my back or left ear, it was fine. It was when I lied on the right ear that they were in that thing’s got a little uncomfortable. Thought my outer ear would ache all day but luckily it was fine once I pulled the thing out. Even if I get used to them, and I think I will, we still need to do something to make them a little louder. They’re not quite as loud as they need to be. Tomorrow will be a better test for them, though. I’ll be sleeping later on a day when traffic gets annoying as early as 7. Today I was up a little after 9, and with the holiday and all that, nothing loud had gone by yet.

I was surprised how much landscaping there was even on the holiday but then I guess I shouldn’t be. It’s an everyday event here. I’m glad we weren’t by the front gate because they were cutting tons of trees in the area by the ditch that separates the park from the mainstream.

We got a lot done today. We took care of the pigs and rats and went out to Rite Aid just to get out. I got mini bottles of Merlot and Rosé and some neon green nail polish. He got himself some treats which I refrained from getting.

We also put up the tan screen along most of the carport and it looks nice. More privacy this way.

He made progress with his program by incorporating ads into it but he’s having trouble with Europe because you can’t just force ads on them there like you can here. So he has to figure out how to implement this thing that requires them to give their consent or only offer them paid versions.

I slept well and am well-rested but not feeling great at the moment. My HR is elevated again today even though I took a full dose. May have to take another one tomorrow. I would really love to know what my TSH is right now! The thing is that I don’t know if the liothyronine experiment canceled out the effects of the levothyroxine altogether and that was why I was in the thirties, or if that’s just where 50s leaves me nowadays rather than the teens. I don’t even know for sure that that’s what’s causing the raciness but my endo did say that it can race if you’re too low or too high on thyroid.

Wish I had my Fitbit working now to see how steady the raciness is or if it’s changing speeds. Sometimes it’s annoyingly noticeable, and then I forget about it for a while. Is it speeding up and slowing down? I just don’t know. I’m guessing not too drastically.

My Bose sleeping earbuds arrived and they’re charged and ready for testing. The real test won’t come until I’m sleeping in later. I’ve already heard a dozen loud vehicles even though it’s Sunday but the real test will be sleeping during weekdays. That’s when things are really rocking around here. Really can’t begin to guess whether or not they’ll work. They’ll certainly help but some things are just so ferociously loud that the sound I’m pumping into my ear has to be ferociously loud as well and this thing only goes so loud. I can see where it wouldn’t mask snoring, as one reviewer wrote.

Even though the cocoon is virtually ready to go, we’re going to put a hold on it because as Tom said, he doesn’t see how it could not work since it’s like a sound machine in your head. Well, it definitely seals up better than the other earbuds and I can see where it would be less likely to irritate your ear because you don’t push them in like you do the other ones. Going to start with the Warm Static since it’s got the best pitch for masking louder vehicles. Low-pitched sounds are harder to block and therefore, those are the sounds I need to play. I like those with a wide range of frequencies, actually, even though the lower ones are the most important. With a wider range, if someone’s using a circular saw nearby or something like that, it will likely be drowned out. I’m hoping that eventually, I won’t need to play white noise on the stereo in addition, but I think that’s getting a little too hopeful for a bedroom so close to a high-traffic street.

Tom signed up to be a Google developer and next comes incorporating ads into his game. Still hopeful that it will be out by our anniversary but there are no guarantees. The guy still has to work full-time at his regular job.

As they did with the last of many problems, Ask said they would turn the issue of being redirected over to their developer team, but I don’t expect any changes. They like to fuck with their users. That much is obvious.

I thought the reason Aly hated weekends was due to getting bored easily or reminding her of her single days, but she says it has to do with things done to her on weekends while growing up. Of course she didn’t elaborate, but at 38? Okay, I know we don’t just “get over” shit that happened to us and that we can’t just forget things at will, but usually, by that age, I would think you’d be a little less impacted by your childhood no matter how many horrible memories you still harbored. I guess everyone’s different, though.

Had a dream I was standing on the shore of the beach we would spend our summers at as a kid. But instead of looking out at the faint outline of New York, I saw tons of modern buildings with all kinds of lights and knew they were hotels and casinos and things like that. They didn’t appear to be as far as Long Island Sound either.

In another dream, I was vacationing somewhere and walking around someplace by myself. I looked down and realized my low-cut dress was a little too low-cut. Like down to my belly button, LOL. I was braless and realized that I should probably go back to my room and get a bra. So I held the dress as closely together as I could and hurried back to my room.

Got a pair of Bose wireless sleeping earbuds on the way! They’ll arrive tomorrow. Can’t wait to try them! We listened to their 10 sample sounds online and most of them seem pretty promising. :) Tom says that because they’re shaped differently than my wired buds, I shouldn’t get earaches. His Hearphones are shaped like Bose.

As I told Tom, if this and the soundproofing drape don’t work, we really do need to find another place to stay until we can safely get out of the state. I can’t spend another half a decade not sleeping half the time. Too many sleep disturbances are just way too hard on me in this day and age. I’m not going to keep spending so much of my time having to lie down because I’m too exhausted to do anything because people can’t shut the fuck up. When I’m constantly woken up, I can’t think straight, I have no energy, and it’s bad for your heart. Do I really need to put my heart at risk with my family history? I think not!

It’s not just such loud traffic so close to me that wakes me up when I’m on nights but just the stress of the wired earbuds irritating my ear or slipping and things like that adds to my stress and certainly don’t help. If I didn’t have to worry about that aspect of things, then I think that would help a bit.

Tom has more faith in the cocoon helping than I do, but we’ll soon see! We did a quick test and had me lay under it while he was talking and moving around it and it definitely does muffle sound. It’s just that because some of the traffic is so ferociously loud and I’m just a few feet away from it, I don’t know that it will be much of a defense against the loudest of the vehicles but we’ll soon find out as I start sleeping in.

That fucking car came in yesterday for a couple of hours. Luckily it left before I crashed. I’m amazed the bastard could stay away for almost a whole week and that it’s even stayed away today, too. I still wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if it showed up before the long weekend was out.

Fuck. I just jinxed myself because the little punk just came in. Yeah, I figured it couldn’t go a whole 24 hours without its mommy and daddy since it’s the weekend. So once again I’ll hope the bastard leaves before I crash so I don’t have to wear my wired buds which are a pain in the ass. Even when they’re not irritating they either slip, I get tangled in the wires or knock them out.

Seriously, though, this cock’s too young to visit its parents more than the usual once a week. While I normally try not to judge others on things that don’t affect me, it does affect me. As long as he’s driving that piece of shit, it affects me, and I have a problem with that.

It’s Saturday night, for God’s sake. Go clubbing. Get laid. Visit friends. Do something most 20-somethings do! I can see if the parents were ill or disabled but they’re not. They’re just rude enablers is all.

Slept on the coil mattress last night and it seemed firm at first compared to the airbed but at least I didn’t have to worry about sinking. Didn’t seem as dented either so maybe standing it up for the week it was standing up helped it.

HR’s been elevated all day. It’s an annoying and uncomfortable feeling that may border on scary if I were alone. Fortunately, I’m not, though. We’re both pretty sure it’s due to me being low on thyroid, so just like last weekend, I’ll take a full 75 tomorrow. Since I’m coming up on my 7th week of not having anxiety, I’m thinking I’ll start with taking a 75 once a week. If all continues to go well then I’ll eventually take 75 on weekends and slowly work up to finding my ideal level. I think I can get pretty close to as if I were taking 75 daily, and eventually, I think I’ll be able to take 75 every day without issues. Especially once I’m officially menopausal.

The only good to the elevated HR is that I can eat more without gaining weight because it’s like working out all day long.

He went to Sam’s for things he eats during the week as well as for fruits and veggies for me and the rodents. Together we went to Walmart earlier for a few other things that were best to get there. Gotta go back tomorrow for his soda and pig food.

I’m learning more and more cooking techniques and YouTube has been helping, though I do still try to keep it simple. I look up videos on different things. Not just cooking tips but food storage tips as well. It makes sense that they recommend storing cauliflower in a container or bag of water or else it would dry out.

Learned that the best way to ripen bananas faster is to put them in a bag with an apple. Apples give off ethylene gas which ripens them faster. This is why they’re kept away from the bananas in stores.

I think going fresh/low sodium is definitely going to help my blood pressure and even that strange pressure I would often get in my head upon standing up. Yesterday I was scrambling to finish up processed stuff so I could be mostly unprocessed starting today. At one point, I jumped up and felt it strongly in my head and that’s when I realized that yes, it probably is tied to my blood pressure after all since I didn’t have that problem when I was having less sodium.

So I got bananas and cantaloupe for my smoothies and found a video showing a way to cut the cantaloupe that was much easier than the way I was doing it.

I have chicken, pork, beef and fish and a few different veggies to go with these meats. My goal is to have one smoothie a day, and two small meals which will consist of some type of meat and veggies. Then I can have popcorn for a snack. Once it gets close to labs, I’ll replace one of the meals with a smoothie to decrease my cholesterol intake. Plus, I’m keeping up with my ACV shots.

Today I made beef patties using the George Foreman electric grill I forgot we had until Tom mentioned it. Pretty sure it was one of my old wins. I know it’s healthier with the way it drains the grease but it also dries it out a bit and the thing isn’t as easy to clean as a skillet is. At least it still works and is an option if we want it.

The only bad thing to report is that the AC is having the same problem it had less than two years ago. If you lower the temperature right after it turns off, the compressor doesn’t come on and it blows warm air. I’m hoping that leaving it at the same temp will prevent this problem from happening. It seems like every fucking AC we’ve ever owned has been a problem! Really hope it won’t be another expense looming over us. It hasn’t even been two years since the capacitor was replaced.

Today will hopefully be my last frozen dinner for a long time. Now the only processed things I have will be the rest of my yogurt, coffee creamer and fake sugar. Probably not even going to get alcohol for a while once I finish the few cans that are left in the 12-pack I got a couple of weeks ago of Strawberitas.

It seems that almost anything goes well with a banana when it comes to making smoothies. Added carrot juice yesterday and OJ to today’s banana smoothie. Really like adding melons to it, though. Definitely going to pick up some honeydew melon tomorrow at Sam’s. I limit myself to just one banana a day or else I’ll get too gassy.

I swear this rat could sit and watch the pigs for hours, LOL. He was out for quite a while. First, we played our chase and tackle games and then he sat with the pigs for a while.

Spotted Bob sitting on his patio yesterday and filled him in on Joy spiting us for complaining and said that I highly suspected she was personal friends with the people I complained on. I also told him I was worried about the idea of him complaining as well and getting spited too, but he said they didn’t do anything.

Being as intuitive as I am, I got these strange vibes from him. Oh, he was as friendly as usual and commented about the new car which I told him we loved, but when I left to pick up the mail, he got up a few seconds later and headed inside almost as if he couldn’t wait to share what I told him with Virginia. I don’t know what it is. I can’t quite put my finger on it. It’s almost like he knows something. Something more than I realize he knows. Do I think he had anything to do with the complaint? Absolutely not. But I sense something going on nonetheless. My first guess is still that Joy spited me because she’s friends with Mel & Gerry. I mean look at all the complaints they’ve gotten yet they’re still here. That doesn’t happen unless you’ve got connections, does it? My second guess is that Bob or the Twenties mentioned it to someone who tipped the assholes off, causing them to complain, but I don’t think so. If that was the case, Joy would have inspected the cypresses and found that they weren’t dead or dying but just ugly. Besides, it was too fast. It was barely 24 hours before the counter-complaint.

But what was he thinking that he wouldn’t say? What does he know that I don’t?

Speaking of Mel & Gerry, their little slacker hasn’t been around since last weekend but I’d be willing to bed just about anything it will be this weekend. Congrats to the bastard for going a whole week without having to see mommy and daddy. Maybe it actually got a job or a GF to distract it.

Aly and I are fed up with the issues on Ask (being redirected to a scam on our phones, and vids on my laptop), so on Twitter, I told them that if they’re trying to lose users, it’s working. They asked for my username twice and after I told them I was tired of my answers being deleted at random, they swore they didn’t delete anything during May. I think they’re either glitchy and too stupid to know it or someone on their team is a prankster that’s randomly deleting answers as a joke. Even some of my questions don’t make it to Aly which is definitely not against the TOS or things she wouldn’t want to answer.

Then they asked me if I was sure I was the only one who used my account. Haha, how convenient. But then I thought about it. I highly doubt anyone has hacked me but Ask isn’t like Facebook, Twitter or Google where they automatically alert you if there’s a new login from an unrecognized browser. And who has wonderful hacking skills? Aly! Remember, she once worked cyber defense for some military thing (she didn’t talk much about it because she wasn’t allowed to) and she was a pervert analyst for the FBI. She’s complained about similar things, though, and I doubt she would hack me, much less delete my answers if she suddenly did have access to my account. More than likely Latvia just has a bunch of idiots living in it.

While I still like the airbed and am not ready to give up on it for good, it definitely has a slow leak. These things should only need to be topped off every 2-3 days. Not 3 or more times a day. I added air before bed, then woke up at midnight to pee, added more air, and woke up again right before 5 needing to blow it up again. I don’t want to take a chance of bottoming out completely with appointments looming right around the corner. It’s important I don’t do anything that could mess up my schedule when there will be enough risks to it once I’m on nights again, so back to the coil I go for now. Better to be dented/tilted than bottomed out.

I learned that this bed deflates differently than any other airbed I’ve had. The other ones deflated on their own and you had to put pressure on them to help push the air out. With this one, it literally sucks the air out of it.

Live chatted with Aly yesterday. Normally that isn’t my thing but the timing was perfect and I didn’t feel like doing anything else at the moment.

Blocked “Siren’s Cat” on PB, suspecting it’s a new Aly account. Well, one she created before they stopped allowing new sign-ups due to Korean spammers. Just thought it’d be the perfect opportunity to do so. :)

Saw part of the pilot of Pretty Little Liars: The Perfectionists and wasn’t impressed at all. Started watching the Deadly Wives series instead since true crime seems to be the next best thing to “fake” crime shows. I’m just not into many other things like comedy, sci-fi, etc.

Do some of these dumbfucks actually want to be caught, though? I mean if I had to pull off the perfect murder and get away with it, I doubt I could as there is always some piece of trace evidence that could very well link back to me. A tiny fiber, a single hair, a microscopic weed even. But some of these people are so damn obvious it almost makes you wonder if they actually want to give up their lives and go to prison where all their meals are cooked for them, shitty or not, and they don’t have to worry about bills. After all, how stupid can you be to keep some of your evidence like incriminating emails? Some people are even plenty obvious just the way they talk during interviews and you don’t have to be good with people to see it. Yes, it’s true that everyone handles grief differently. But then there are some ways you simply don’t handle it unless you’re guilty of something.

Still sleeping well, but I think it’s mostly because I’m on days right now and able to sleep at night. They claim that this bed isn’t leaking and that it takes time to stretch and all that but I wonder if it may be leaking at least a little because it’s definitely losing too much air too fast. It’s still so comfortable, though! So what if I have to top it off a few times a day.

Both domestic and wild animals were pretty funny yesterday. I let the rats out and stepped into another room for a short while to do something. When I returned to the living room, kitchen and dining area, I found one rat trying to break into the kitchen cabinets and another climbing one of the dining room chairs, LOL. Yeah, those are rats for you.

I went out on my combination walk/jog yesterday, and going around the corner toward the office, I picked up my pace and started jogging. Before this, a group of turkeys saw me coming and picked up their own pace by walking faster. But then once I started jogging, they started jogging as well and we were all keeping perfect time with each other, feet slapping the pavement in perfect rhythm, hahaha. Those things don’t usually make me laugh either. The fugly fuckers love to hold up traffic.

I was surprised to see the park left a bright orange parking violation ticket on a vehicle parked up the hill on Oak Lakes. I thought parking on the outer side of that street was permitted. Maybe they complained on someone Joy was friends with.

The paramedics were here yet again for Ralph yesterday evening. He’s in either horrible shape or desperate for attention. Don’t know the guy, so I couldn’t say.

Went out walking this morning down to the lake and back which took 12.5 minutes. Of course, I mixed jogging in as well. The breeze was cool but the sun was warm. We’re finally crawling out of the wintry setback we had, but it’ll be winter again on Sunday. This rain and cold at this time of year is just too weird. It should be close to 90° now.

The planes were super annoying yesterday after being better for a while. Forget just being annoying for a few hours in the morning or a few at night. They were horrible all day long beginning at 5:45 AM. It wasn’t just them but small planes and low-flying helicopters as well. It was windy yesterday so maybe that had something to do with it. They’re annoying today too, but not as much.

Even though there’s one more day, we’re looking forward to not only all the overtime he’s racking up which is big bucks, but the long weekend as well. We have all kinds of plans, the biggest thing being working ads into his app. Most of it he can work on in chunks but he’ll need a few hours to do this particular part which is new to him. We’re hoping to have it out there by our anniversary.

Plus, we have to do some yard work. Even with the 12 cypress trees gone and a tiny lot, there are still so many damn plants on this property.

The soundproofing canopy has to be finished as well. We just weren’t in a hurry this week with him working so late and me being on days.

While he’s coding I will be working on finishing my story. I’m not quite to the end yet but I’m getting there. Then it will go through the final editing before it can be shared.

Had this strange dream about going down to Arizona and meeting his mom for the first time in years who was alive again and much younger too. She looked absolutely nothing like she looked in real life but I knew it was her. She was in her sixties and had short straight black hair. We hugged each other generously when we saw her at Mary’s house. I was standing in the middle of the kitchen a short while later noticing their odd but simple setup. In the kitchen was just a small countertop with not much on it; an oven, and two chairs by a table that had a couple of burners on them. I knew they didn’t eat in the kitchen and preferred to sit in the living room by the TV.

Then we were staying in some hotel and the guy that owned the place who seemed really friendly was willing to swap something pertaining to the bed for us. He said something about how he usually needs 5 hours’ notice but would swap something with his wife or something like that.

The planes were worse this morning than they have been in a while but I think they finally shut up up there.

Slept decently enough, even though I woke up four or five times along the way. I have enough energy to function even if I’m not exactly bursting with energy like I did when I was younger. Even better was that I didn’t wake up with a backache.

Yesterday’s smoothie was a banana with four or five chunks of pineapple and coconut milk. Today’s had a banana, one chunk of pineapple, two chunks of cantaloupe, two chunks of honeydew melon and coconut milk. Both were delicious!

I don’t usually talk food because it can make me hungry but I have been doing pretty well with “unprocessing” myself. I did have a few exceptions yesterday but the only exception so far today that counts as being processed was the flavored creamer and fake sugar I put in my coffee.

I made fresh tilapia with roasted broccoli and cauliflower and later on I’ll have a pork chop with jasmine rice.

For lunch, I may have eggs or yogurt, and the yogurt will be processed as well. Forgot about that one. So, I’m a little high on cholesterol but cutting out meat cuts down a lot of my options and that would be boring.

Did a total of 40 minutes of walking yesterday and got in 10 minutes so far today on the treadmill. Now that the rain has let up I’ll probably go out for a while.

Almost anyone who ate as I do and exercised as I do would be thin or close to it, but with thyroid disease and being older, the best I can get from it is to not gain weight and I’ll settle for that much. Then again, I am still having close to 1500 calories a day, not 1000. ;) But I’m not gaining so that much is good. The most important thing to me right now is having sufficient energy and no anxiety!

Came in as a semi-finalist for another coffee contest where I get a fairly decent discount on K-Cups so I think I’m going to get an 80-ct of caramel macchiato. With the discount and free shipping, it will be about $10 cheaper than what I get on Amazon Prime in the same quantity.

Just got a notice saying I didn’t win a particular sweep but to take $22 off an order of wine. Hmm…

As expected, I’m receiving congratulations on other people’s wins which is annoying as hell. Some stupid law, I guess. The winner gets congratulated on their win and so does everyone else, as if we had anything to do with their winning. rolls eyes

It’s a good thing I saved my Instagram account that I created years ago for sweeping. This way I can follow people on sweeps that require you to follow them in order to be eligible to win without it interfering with the home feed as it may if I were active there with friends. I should have created a Twitter account just for sweeps as well, but since I’m using my main account, I’m much more selective of who I follow there so their tweets don’t flood the feed. I guess I could just jump on my friends’ profiles if I had to or add them to a list.

Aly’s relationship times have changed again. First her longest relationship was nine months. Then it became almost two years. The other day it was just over two years. So I’m guessing three years is next?

After a long break from sweeping after having a “dry” spell, I returned to it just days ago. Then I dreamed I won a trip and remembered how I’d often have “win dreams” prior to winning something even if it was almost never what I saw in my dreams.

Yesterday I was notified I won a Keurig mini!

Still winning…still psychic… :) :) :) :)

It’s premonitions like this that make me worry when I have bad dreams about Tom. Most of my dream premonitions have been of a negative nature, after all.

I still worry about Tammy too. First I had the dream where she lost a lot of weight and then she did. So I still worry about the strong feeling I’ve had for a while about something bad happening to her when she’s 62. All I can do is hope I’m wrong since I didn’t really have any specific dreams about that. Sometimes it doesn’t need to be specific, though. With me, a dream doesn’t have to be right on in order for it to happen. It’s just dreaming about something that’s close enough. Like maybe I’ll dream someone gets into an accident and breaks a leg when in reality they break an arm. Or maybe I’ll get a strong feeling while I’m wide awake.

Oh well. No sense in worrying until and if anything happens. It’s the dream of Trump not getting re-elected that I hope means something!

I figured sleeping really well the first night on the new bed was just a fluke because it was the opposite last night, although I’m not that tired. I can still function and that’s most important. I woke up at least a dozen times. Once due to traffic and then for no apparent reason. I was able to go back to sleep right away, though. Tom thinks I might have gone to bed too early. Maybe I should try not reading myself to sleep till I’ve been up 15 hours rather than close to 14.

What sucks is that it seems like this bed is messing up my lower back. Guess it’s a good thing we never got another waterbed because it would probably do the same thing now that I’m older and need more support. Worst case scenario, I go back to the coil mattress. That never caused me pain. It’s just not as even as the airbed.

Another thing hit me about Steve. Did he think I was Jessie or someone else? The bitch I spoke to said I was a “lady who said she knew you in 1990.” She didn’t say my name unless she mentioned it after we hung up.

Oh well again. If he wanted to talk to me, he’d find a way with or without whoever that bitch really was. This may explain some of the past dreams I’ve had, though. In them, we would meet up in person somewhere and he’d never seem as happy to see me as I was to see him.

Had a million dreams last night. In dream number one, I was sitting in the corner of the living room on the floor with multiple pieces of something spread out before me, though I don’t know what it was. This living room had windows from floor to ceiling and a very bright light right outside. The light was so bright that it lit up the room very well. Some guy went walking by and he was even closer to the window than you can get here but he never noticed me.

In dream number two, I was sleeping on a couch at the side of a road somewhere of all places. The road was fairly long and straight and I was about three or four houses from the end of it where another street crossed it. it seemed like a residential street and my first thought was Bell Air Drive where my cousins lived as kids.

A motorcycle slowly came by and began slowing down close to me since it had to come in close to the end of the street. I started to feel a little uneasy but they didn’t seem to notice me either.

Feeling nervous and deciding not to push my luck, I got up and gathered my blanket and a leather messenger bag.

Suddenly, a big burly black guy was there telling me it was a nice bag and all that. I immediately felt uncomfortable and knew he was up to no good by the way he was leering at me. I quickly headed through an open door and down a long hallway and he followed me down. I tried being polite at first but when that didn’t work I told him he needed to leave.

The hall eventually opened into a room that was well-lit. What appeared to be an Asian girl with her hair in a ponytail that hung almost to the middle of her back, stood behind a counter in what might have been a kitchen. I told her to call 911 and she did immediately. Not sure if the guy left before the cops showed up or not.

In the third dream, Holly of all people was examining me down there telling me my LS looked worse than ever and I needed to make an appointment with my dermatologist.

In a split second, I was wearing what looked like a long tank top that barely covered my butt and I was standing by a parked car on the shore of a lake. Just a few feet away was the water’s edge in which I dipped my toes.

In dream number four, I was in an airplane and there was a lot of turbulence as we were preparing to land.

In the last dream, I was worried about poisoning my animals. I had a lot more pets than I do in real life and even more than rodents and fish. This dream was very vague but it had to do with something that got in their water and I thought of how horribly guilty and sad it would make me if it killed them. So I knew I had to hurry up and dump it out before they could drink it.

On the treadmill now as I make this entry. It’s too soon to know whether or not it was just a coincidence but I slept absolutely fantastic on the new airbed! And this is even with waking up with a coughing fit from a tickle in my throat. I took Children’s Benadryl to help me get back to sleep even though I figured I would wake up totally exhausted once I got up for good as is often the case when my sleep gets broken up, but I didn’t! I actually woke up feeling rather refreshed for a change even though I was up for about an hour after three hours of sleep. Slept a total of 8 hours when you add it all up and not once do I remember waking up other than when I began coughing. I get that one night won’t tell me if it really was the bed that helped or if it’s because I slept mostly at night that helped, but even when I would sleep at night, I still woke up a few times if only just because.

The only two negatives to this bed besides the fact that it won’t last forever is that for some reason airbeds don’t retain heat and feel cold to the touch. I was cold when I got up coughing and had to raise the temperature and throw on a flannel nightgown. Normally I don’t like to sleep in anything other than my undies because of the way clothes bunch and twist around me. This will be great for summer but during the winter I may have to either use the coil mattress or add some layers to buffer me from the mattress itself.

Had to add air a couple of times as they said I would because initially, the thing stretches. However, if I continue to sleep as well as I did last night, having to use a couple of mattress pads and other things because of the cold will be the least of my worries and I will definitely be sticking with this mattress until it bottoms out and I have to get another one.

Really hope Tom and Aly are right when they say that the abortion laws are unlawful and will be overturned before they can go into effect. The biggest thing is for Roe v. Wade to continue to exist!

I have never seen the country in such bad shape since Trump took over. Everything has gone to hell. I understand wanting to keep illegals out since we’re crowded enough and our resources are burdened enough, and I can understand wanting to keep radical Muslims out, but everything else he’s done has been absolutely horrible. He worsened the economy. He separated some families unnecessarily. He scrapped Obamacare so the poor and those without insurance could have zero options. He attacked gay rights. He encouraged hate crimes against Jews. Now he’s instigated a war on women, and again, I don’t see how a guy could possibly hate women this much and not be gay. I think he’s ashamed of his own sexuality and locked in a closet he just can’t get out of and because of it, he’s taking his frustrations out on women. This and the desire to control is usually why men rape and or try to deny women their rights. They hate that they can’t get into the gender they wish they could be attracted to and so they lash out at them instead. I understand that people in his age group weren’t exactly quick to acknowledge and accept their sexuality if they were gay or bi but that’s no excuse to shit on people just because you can’t handle it. If you want to be ashamed of your sexuality and live in denial, that’s your right. But why take your frustrations out on women because of it?

So, please! If you’re a woman, when it comes time to vote again, respect yourself! And if you can’t have self-respect for your own self, have respect for other women!

Melody checked in her account a few days ago, so I saw, but I don’t think either she, her enabling husband, or her bratty son have checked their messages. I still worry about what may happen when and if they do because they’ll know who I am, thanks to Joy. If not, they’ll certainly suspect me.

Speaking of Joy, I tried to see if Melody was on her friend list but she has the list hidden. For some reason, this doesn’t surprise me.

The punk came in twice yesterday. In less than 24 hours it just had to run to mommy and daddy for an hour. Then less than an hour later it had to run back for two more hours.

So we’re back to the twice-daily visits?

Later...

Well, that didn’t go over well at all. I called the number I found listed for Stephan and a woman who sounded mean, black and about his age answered. I asked if she knew Stephan and she hesitantly said yes.

I told her who I was and heard her tell him that it was a lady who said she knew him in 1990. Some words were exchanged which I couldn’t understand, though I think I recognized his voice, then she told me he wasn’t coming to the phone. I asked if she was his wife and in a snotty tone she goes, “None of your business. He’s not coming to the phone.”

So fine, fuck it. I don’t need that unnecessary rudeness from her or to hear from him if he’d rather not hear from me. Funny too, cuz Stephan, black as midnight himself, swore he’d never again marry a black bitch like that, having once said black women were “assholes.” My guess is he feels bad and that she’s a major control freak that has him wrapped around her finger, but that’s their problem.

All these years I hoped he’d found his ideal soulmate as I did but when I think about it, it’s hard for me to believe he could be happy with such a rude, defensive, hostile bitch, black or white. And I’d be willing to bet she truly was his wife too, or else she wouldn’t have said, “None of your business” when I asked if she was.

One thing that’s funny is that he’s got to be wondering how the hell I made it out to Cali, LOL. Well, he’ll never know!

Something hit me after I hung up, though. Did she hang up on me when I said, “Fine, fuck you,” to her rudeness, or did he take the phone from her right as I hung up? Just trying to remember if that was really a hello I thought I heard in the very last split second that might have been from him but it doesn’t matter because I don’t want anything to do with either of them at this point.

Also, maybe he doesn’t remember me as fondly as I remember him. I did bum a lot of smokes off of him when I was trying hopelessly to quit, and I was unable to see him the way he saw me.

But then he did visit on his own when I moved to South Deerfield and he did surprise me with 40 bucks in cash on his way out which I never asked for. I was grateful as hell for it but never asked for it.

I’ll never know what’s on his mind now and he’ll never know what’s on mine because even if he secretly contacted me, I don’t know that I could have a connection with someone connected to someone so mean. This totally sounded like the type of woman who would gladly run out and shoot me if she could. I just get the impression she wouldn’t want him to have any female friends even if they were on the other side of the country.

As I said before - and I should’ve kept my own word - to hell with looking for people. Let them look for me for once. My name was on the mailboxes, too. He could’ve remembered my name if he’d cared to just as I remembered his.

Decided to do this entry while Tom was still asleep and before we get on with the day’s plans.

Been raining hard and steady since I got up at midnight. It should NOT be winter here now! It should be warm to hot and dry as a bone. Fuck having to be bundled up in my robe and slippers with the heat on!

Believe it or not, I’ve now slept well twice in a row. It definitely helps not to be crashing really early in the morning and especially during the week. Crashed around 3 p.m. and got up at 8 p.m. to pee. Was just getting back into bed without the earbud when I heard the little mama’s boy leave, so the timing was perfect. Still can’t believe someone that young would spend Saturday night at their parents’. If he never gets married again, I wonder if he’ll ever at least get some kind of partner to occupy more of his time? Haven’t heard him as much overall but that seems to be an on-and-off thing.

The new pillows I got also helped. For just ten bucks I got a two-pack at Sam’s Club and they’re much better for stomach sleepers like myself. Not as good for side sleeping but I think that in order to have a decent stomach pillow, it’s got to be flatter and therefore not as good for being on your side. So I use my old pillow if I’m just relaxing or listening to my book, and the new one to sleep with. If the airbed arrives before I crash, I’ll also be sleeping on a level surface which will be nice.

No longer caring what this place looks like, I’m going to lean the coil mattress against the bedroom window closest to the street. It would be best to keep it close by in case the airbed springs a leak. There’s room for it now that we’ve rearranged. We put the bean bag in the living room and I sat Suki on a chair in the bedroom by the bathroom. I don’t know if this is going to be a permanent setup. That depends on how easy it is to move the cocoon and if it works in the first place, which I highly doubt.

The cocoon may be delayed a day or two like all our plans usually are because he couldn’t find the saw he needed to cut the PVC pipe we picked up at Lowe’s before going to Sam’s. So he had to order one on Amazon. That will arrive today as well. The question is at what time.

My HR has been elevated for a few days now and I’m wondering if it could be because I’m low on thyroid. Therefore I took a full dose today but I won’t go back to doing that every single day because I’m not done with my experiment yet. Tomorrow I enter the critical zone of the testing. The next two weeks should tell me quite a bit. It won’t tell me for sure if it was a dosage issue but it will give me a good hint either way, depending on what happens and how I feel.

Also, I’m determined as ever to cut out almost all processed foods. Not because I think I’ll lose weight but because my blood pressure is too high due to the extra sodium, and the bounding pulse which causes what I call neck knockers gets annoying when you can feel and hear your pulse beating at the side of your neck like I sometimes can when I’m overdoing the sodium.

The problem is that I can’t cook very well because not only did it never really interest me but it’s just not something I’m naturally good at. So many recipes seem simple at first glance but then I find they’re actually a bit complicated, requiring a million ingredients. I figured it could get kind of expensive and wasteful if I get a ton of things that I only need a teeny part of here in there and then the rest of the stuff goes to waste.

Aly’s a good cook so I’ll ask her any questions I have but I’m basically going to do my best to keep it simple. I know I shouldn’t be having much cholesterol either but at this point, I’m mainly focused on what I can feel. If my arteries are getting any plaque buildup from too much cholesterol, I can’t feel that right now. But I can definitely feel when I overdo the sodium so rather than worry about cholesterol, calories and things like that, I’ll just focus on sodium which basically means sticking with unprocessed foods. I’m not going to give up my coffee creamer and my fake sugar, though. It’s mostly the frozen dinners I’ll be kicking out.

Now here’s some really good and interesting news. I’m the closest I’ve ever been to finding Stephan (Steve)! Everything he ever told me checked out. He really was from Chicago. I ended up on a site I’ve never seen before. I don’t know if it’s new or what but he’s listed as having lived in Chicopee as well as Springfield like Jessie told me. Also Holyoke, Plattsburgh, New York and Pensacola, Florida. The places he lived in had the dates he lived there next to them, and I could see that he left our apartment building the same year I did. I left in April and he left in October. The last date listed is 2000. If he hasn’t moved since then he should be in Chicopee right now.

There was also an email address present so I sent a quick message, as well as a few Facebook messages to possible relatives. Tomorrow I’ll call the number that was listed for a landline. Would love to reconnect and find out how he’s been all these years!

Poor Aly and Cam. Cam was admitted to the hospital after having pains all over and weakness in his legs. I guess the doctor thought he might have a tumor but then said it’s likely spinal stenosis. Aly said Cam disagrees, will see another doctor he trusts, but will be in the hospital overnight.

Damn! These two have more medical emergencies than most people I know.

Fucked up fact of the day: More people accept and support Muslims than gays despite the utter atrocities Muslims have committed for centuries. So congrats to Taiwan for being the first Asian country to do the right thing…let ALL people marry who they want that is of legal age and consent! :)

Slept better and longer but I’m sure that the next time around I’ll sleep shitty. I seem to go back and forth. HR was elevated for a bit and I’m cold, too. Slightly fatigued but nothing beyond being older and hypo.

Still woke up several times but they weren’t “bad” wakeups. It wasn’t for traffic or nightmares. Just to pee and just because.

Love my pink glitter gel eyeshadow that I finally had the energy to try. :)

Can’t remember much in the way of dreams other than us driving through the countryside in another country. Maybe in Thailand?

Needing heat at this time of year sucks! Hell, my buddy in Nebraska is warmer than we are now. Not. Funny.

And is my sleep cursed? Oh no, I just “happened” to wake up once to pee, twice because I couldn’t get comfortable, then because my ear hurt (thankfully my ENT appt is in 19 days), then because I was cold, then I stupidly took the earbud out hoping traffic wouldn’t wake me up by some miracle, and then I had a terrifying dream of him having chest pain.

I was standing in the doorway to the second bedroom in the dream chatting with him. As I went to turn away and walk down the hall, he rubbed his chest and I asked if he was okay. He said his heart really hurt today and my dream self knew this wasn’t the first time this had happened. I had been trying to get him to see a doctor to no avail. Then he slumped down at the side of the bed. Instead of a wall with a window in it, there was a huge sliding glass door with a padlock in the middle of it. When I looked through the glass, I didn’t see houses or buildings but the ground was definitely covered in snow.

Anyway, I’ve been tired ever since I got up and frustrated to the point of tears. If we can’t figure out how to get me to sleep better soon, then as much as I hate spending time and money on appointments, I may have to go back to my sleep/neurologist doctor and see if he can help me. Yes, I’m terrified of medication and prone to side effects but I wonder if I may need something to help get me into a deeper sleep and prevent me from waking up so damn much.

Then my HR was elevated in the 90s for a while and now I have a backache that came on suddenly. The middle of my back is aching so I’m probably going to take ibuprofen for it.

So definitely not a good day even though things could be worse. Shitty weather and shitty sleep which is making me grumpy. I still think the main problems are the traffic and the earbuds. The earbuds aren’t always comfortable and sometimes slip and allow traffic to make its way through.

I swear there’s something up there that does not want me sleeping. It’s like it finds a way to override everything I do to try to help myself. That’s what worries me, too. If there really is something up there actively and deliberately cursing my sleep, running to the doctor won’t help. If I could eliminate the traffic and the need for earbuds, my sleep wouldn’t be perfect but I think that would help a lot. But how??? I still have serious doubts about the cocoon working but what have I got to lose? The plan is to pick up PVC pipe tomorrow and basically drape sheets of soundproofing material over the top of the bed and down the side closest to the street. I have to have a way to get in and out and for air to circulate so the inner side will be open.

Another thing we’re looking at is an airbed. Not a high-ender like the one we had in Arizona but just a cheap 13-inch full-size air mattress which is the same height as this saggy coil mattress. They’re actually more comfortable than waterbeds and keep you cooler. We’re not in a position to spend money on a high-ender right now because we’re still in debt and need to get the fake grass and trellis as well.

Another thing to consider is wireless earbuds so I wouldn’t get tangled up in the damn wires.

All I know is that I’m tired of being tired and stuck in bed half the time because I have to do things in spurts. Well, I’m tired of spending so much time in bed or sitting down and not being able to live my life to its fullest! I’m not disabled for fuck’s sake! But we’ll be stuck here for years and that right there makes me want to scream even though there are no guarantees it’ll be much quieter wherever we move to.

I’m so tired so much of the time that I’m now looking for ways to cut down my workload. I redesigned the rats’ cage so I no longer have to wash shelves every day. Instead, I set up more hammocks and tubes which are easier to wash and clean than those big old shelves. I love my pets but sometimes I wonder if getting them was a smart idea since they’re both quite a bit of work. Sometimes we should do what’s best and not what we want. With them, I did what I wanted.

I can’t believe how shitty I’ve slept ever since we came here. I hate this place! How did sleep come to be such a struggle for me? How? It’s always been a problem for me but this is worse than some of the apartments I’ve had. All I want is to sleep decently enough. Why are the simplest of things so out of reach for me? Instead, I always have to wait till I’m on days to sleep a little better which goes too fast. My schedule would flip faster if I could always sleep better as I do at night. This is ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous. Something’s got to be done cuz this is wearing me down to shit. I don’t understand why I can’t always go back to bed or nap on tired days. Something up there preventing me from doing so in order to keep me tired?

I asked myself if I wanted to stay here even if I could sleep, and no, I definitely don’t. It’s too cold, it’s too expensive, and I would prefer to be somewhere further from the road and where I didn’t have to hear landscaping every single fucking day. It’s going to take years, though. I just really hope to hell wherever we end up works out because if we get there when I’m 58 or so, we won’t be able to get back out until I’m 65 with the way something up there is obsessed with me being stuck in places I don’t want to be. The house is decent enough and the neighborhood is upscale, but the climate, costs, and noise are ludicrous.

I checked my journal and the longest I seem to have gone without the type of anxiety that started at the end of 2016 is 7.5 weeks. I went from November 23rd to January 15th without anxiety. Monday will be 6 weeks since I lowered my medication so we’re getting close to when the real testing begins. if I can get past June 3rd it will start looking a bit promising and also a bit disappointing, of course, since I don’t want the problem to have been a dosage issue. We’ll find out soon!

Because I had so many damn books on Prosebox, I decided to break up my journals by state rather than by year. Even doing that I still have 55 books, mostly stories. Only 10 of the books are journals and other things.