All these attacks on women’s rights lately have me very angry and even more sexist. With a few exceptions of course. Do people realize that it’s this kind of shit that makes people haters? If you don’t want to be hated, stop telling women what they can do with their own bodies. If you don’t want to be discriminated against, stop playing the race card. If you don’t want to be seen as a thug, stop acting like one. If you don’t want to be despised, stop cutting people’s heads off. If you don’t want to be called a welfare bum, stop being lazy.

No one can please everyone. No one. But while I don’t care what others think (unless it’s someone I care about), most people seem to be pretty big on how others perceive them. So maybe if they thought their actions through more thoroughly, they could avoid some serious backlash. Again, no one’s universally loved or hated, but if approval is so damn important to so many people then why don’t they think before they act?

I’m afraid that things aren’t going to change without some serious violence on the part of women. When has a peaceful protest ever brought about change? The best it does is give those opposing whatever a chance to vent. Just like the LA riots worked for blacks and granted them more rights than whites, and many breaks in court because judges would rather be sworn at and threatened than be labeled racist, I don’t see any change as far as women’s rights go unless they literally storm some of these cocks’ houses and show them just what will happen when they try to trample on their rights. They need to go after these politicians directly. If these politicians feared for their safety or the safety of the general public (which is why Micheal Jackson was acquitted since they didn’t want a conviction to incite a riot), maybe they would think about that and remember that before deciding women’s own personal decisions for them.

Meanwhile, more women will die trying to give themselves abortions. I just don’t get why so many things are so fucked up and so backward in this world. Do people want life to be so twisted and unfair? Sometimes I wonder if it’s only as unfair as people want to make it. So many women these days are facing criticism when they get pregnant but damn if they’ll let them get rid of those pregnancies that were condemned in the first place! Now, how fucked up is that?

What worries me is that if things can be as fucked up as they are and these kinds of things can happen, even if none of it affects me directly, anything could happen. Something that very well could end up affecting me directly. For all I know, it will suddenly be illegal for a short woman to be married to a tall man. That’s how crazy this world truly is and this is a big part of why I would never want to live forever if I could. It’s part of why I’m kind of glad I only have 20-30 years left in this world instead of 50-60 as scared as I am of dying.

Wasn’t going to journal today but I just had to get this off my chest. Sometimes we really do have to trample on those holding us back in life as simply saying, “Hey this isn’t fair” or marching while chanting or waving signs isn't enough. Until younger women take some real action, they’re just going to keep getting stepped on.

I slept absolutely shitty. I kept waking up over and over again. I don’t know why I go back and forth with the sleep issues. For a while, I sleep okay and then it’s back to sleeping so shitty that I’m left too tired to do much more than what I need to do. I’d love to go out for a walk around the park tonight, but just like last night, I don’t have the energy. It’s too bad too because my metabolism is moving at a crawl during this experiment and maintaining my weight is getting harder.

My sleep has been so cursed all my life in one way or another and again I wonder why. This is where it’s hard to be a hundred percent atheist and not feel like something up there is fucking with it because I’ve had too many sleep issues for far too long to consider it coincidental. What the fuck does it have against my sleep? Really, if this is the case, why does it not want me to sleep well for the most part? Isn’t the fact that I can’t keep a schedule bad enough? Hasn’t it done enough damage and made my life hard enough just with that? So I should at least be allowed to sleep when I do sleep, shouldn’t I?

What the fuck is its problem??? Is this compensation for not having to wake up to an alarm 5 days a week? Not having kids waking me up? Something else? I really really hope Tom is right when he says he believes it’s hormonal because I have a bad feeling that I’m always going to sleep shitty no matter where we are. If it isn’t traffic waking me up, it will be thunderstorms, although no one woke me up this morning. I just kept waking up. Funny too, because before bed I took baby Benadryl thinking it would help me sleep sounder but it didn’t. After just three hours of sleep I woke up, and as exhausted as I was, I laid there for an hour or an hour and a half fearing I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep and that it would really screw up my schedule for appointments, but then I took more Benadryl and fell asleep for about 5 hours.

Why I woke up feeling so damn exhausted is beyond me. I guess it’s a combination of things… broken-up sleep, hormones, low thyroid. It took me several hours, but I finally mustered up enough energy to do sheets and laundry and things like that. Fortunately, the animals don’t need changing today.

Until and if anything changes when I’m postmenopausal, I think we might get a slightly quieter place but I don’t expect to sleep any better. And I’m still going to have mixed emotions about a park. I’ve had issues with almost every management company I’ve ever had to deal with. But then engine gunning is more of a problem in the country. So for every problem I can think of that parks have, rural has its problems, too.