Tom showed me this really cool thing on Google Maps. It tells you the distance between one point to another, as well as the height. Jesse’s 80’ higher than us while the renters in back are 60’ lower. If you drew a line straight from our place to Jesse’s, he’s 271’ away. The renters are over 300’ away, and the people up the hill in back with the goats are over 400’ away. I was surprised to learn that they’re a little lower than Jesse. I thought they were at the highest point from which we can see from our place.

Speaking of Jesse, Tom ran into him on his way out yesterday. I’m surprised it took this long to run into each other. Jesse was in his truck. They just said hello and that was it.

I’ve been thinking of Randy a lot lately. What was it about him that charmed me so? I really miss him at times. I didn’t know much about him, but there was just something about him. For someone who’s more than predominantly been attracted to women, there have only been about half a dozen guys I ever thought were halfway decent looking, including Tom, of course. Randy was tall and wiry. At least 6’ tall or taller. He had thick wavy gray hair, a mustache and light eyes. I never could decide if he was in his late 40s or early 50s. I don’t know if we’d have gotten along as well had we been friends or anything more. Despite his friendliness and easygoing manner, I sensed not so much an underlying hardness about him, but I got the feeling that he wasn’t a very sensitive guy for the most part. I don’t think most of them are, though, anyway.

I won a $575 Shaw laminate flooring GC in an instant sweep a few hours ago! The question is, does it have to be used for that only? I sent them an email, so we’ll see. They’re going to send an affy of course, which hopefully won’t require notarization or include a tax form. If it has to be flooring only, we could either redo the floors here, give it to Jesse for a rent deduction, or see if Jessie wants to buy it, or sell it online. We’ll see what Tom thinks when he gets up in a few more hours.

The renters didn’t get trigger-happy last week. I don’t know if it was my prayers or someone talking to them that helped, but I’m glad they skipped a week of target practice!

Jessie said she’d be in Las Vegas in January (a good time to go there since that’s when her weather will be at its shittiest) and asked how far we were from there. Well, we’re 371 miles away, but as I reminded her, the western states are huge. I still hope she can either get here or we can meet her there. That’d be totally awesome!

How do you explain this? I woke up at 144.0 yesterday and said screw it! I took a day off of dieting and ate whenever I was hungry and then some. Yet today I woke up at 142.8!

I had horrible dreams of losing the place, only “the place” was a huge two-story house and so was Jesse’s, and it was on a circular drive. In the dream, I asked Tom if he thought Jesse would accept $825 worth of stuff as payment, was wondering if we should just kill ourselves, and ugh! Just the usual nightmare I have at times. I just hope it’s just that – a nightmare – and not some ominous warning of trouble ahead.

So I’m a bit stressed, though certainly not like in the motel. I hope to hell it doesn’t come to that point either! Tom says we’ll be fine. I’ve been praying every day as well.

I woke up several times during my sleep, afraid I’d get “shot awake.” I noticed that they do their shooting at the end of the week. Twice on Thursday, once on Friday. So far all I’ve heard, though, is this obnoxious dog in the middle of the night that’s almost as loud as Jesse’s.

Tom worked a full shift and will be working tomorrow too, in case he has to take days off next week. I just hope he gets a new job like yesterday!

Jesse may be a bit of a pest and a bit on the dumb side, but when you think about it, he’s just what we wanted. A seemingly easy-going guy who’d probably work with us if we had a problem. This sure beats a management company that treats everyone the same and could care less if all your loved ones dropped dead and you ended up paralyzed or blind or whatever.

The queen is 85 today. Just another year or two and you’re going belly-up, bitch! What mixed emotions Mary and Dave must have about that idea. At last, their “child” will be gone and they can have the whole house to themselves.

Tom was able to work another full day, though he says he wouldn’t mind having Friday off so he could have a 4-day weekend.

Next week is when he really expects to if not start a new job, then at least get interviews, explaining that after Labor Day is a good time to get jobs since the high school and college kids that have summer jobs return to school.

Wish I had more to write about, but I don’t. Hey, no news is good news! Usually. Guess I’ll go work on my story a little and watch a couple of movies.

Although they sent some people home early today, Tom wasn’t one of them, thank God. This still doesn’t ease my worries. Not until and if we can make it long enough to see him in a new job. I woke up just 4 hours into my sleep stressed out at the thought of him being sent home early.

We were going to list a Barbie lot tonight on eBay, then one tomorrow, but Tom had to stop and play Fix-it instead. He got a hole in one of his tires which he thinks was caused by a nail, and now there’s a corrupt spot on the hard drive of the computer that operates the cooler. Naturally, this has me worried that if something up there wants us back on the path to financial ruin, that part of guiding us onto this path means it’s going to have things break that cost money. So far nothing’s cost us, but it could be a matter of time.

I asked Tom what he thought about Mary’s case and if he thought she’d go home at sentencing or if the state would get its way with the 15 years. He said he thinks she’ll end up with something between the two, saying that the state usually asks for more than they expect to get while the defense lawyers ask for less. So what made the DA in my case so lucky that she got what she asked for? Gee, maybe the defendant was a white Jew! So I guess that she’d be out sometime next year if she got the in-between, but no later than 2010. I’d hate to see her transferred to prison, even though prison can be better than jail in many ways. But it can also be more dangerous, too.

I finally heard from Jessie. She said she’s been busy and dizzy and that her doctors won’t give her a blood test. They’re insisting it’s stress. Yeah, I’m sure the quacks would insist on that. If it is stress, then I guess that means the job isn’t going well. She didn’t say. I’ve asked several times, but it’s like she likes to keep me wondering and guessing or something.

At least I know she’s still alive, but I’m still completely in the dark where Paula’s concerned. As for my folks, they’ve never wanted much to do with their “crazy” daughter, so there’s no mystery there.

Although I just won a $10 Red Robin restaurant GC, I’m thinking of seriously cutting back on the sweeps. There’s just no point in working so hard for so little. Same with the diet. Why be so hungry just to lose a pound that keeps coming back? I awoke at 142.0. How do you gain nearly 2 pounds from a tuna sandwich and an 80-calorie muffin? I was 142.8 after I ate them. I’m simply too old to lose weight without starving and it’s just not worth it. I’m big, this is me, and so be it.

Brownie had finally smartened up and learned that if he doesn’t go home when I tell him to, he doesn’t get let out for a few days. Yet earlier when I was cleaning their cage, they both gave me a hard time, so they’re not going anywhere for a while.

Speaking of things not working, that damn Freecorder quits working every time I reboot the laptop on which I play my radio, so I guess I just won’t record songs for a while. Nothing works with Vista and when it does it doesn’t work for long!

I don’t know how long this will work in XP on the Mac, but we downloaded a counter and installed it on my Kiwi profile page to tell me how many people view that page. So far there’s been 4 in the last few hours.

I can’t write much right now because I’m pretty stressed out. Mr. Everything’s Going to be Okay was sent home two hours early due to lack of work, and being naïvely optimistic as he is, he’s telling me everything is going to be ok and that after Labor Day, which he forgot about, he’ll get a new job closer to home and I can get to a dentist for these fucking teeth that are hurting like hell, etc. But after the nightmares we’ve been through it’s hard for me not to be worried and paranoid, afraid the past is once again reaching out to haunt us. I’ve been praying every day for God to protect us from yet another financial crisis, but I know that if He can fail to care about us in the past, he can choose not to care now, too. I’d like to think He feels we’ve had enough already of being beaten over the head financially, but I can’t count on that. He’s been my enemy as much as He’s been my friend. Nothing up there curses someone with both a sleep disorder and a driving phobia if they want them to be financially comfortable. Instead, we’re two people trying to survive on one income. Tom says we’ve gotten by in the past and we’ll get by again, but the point is that I don’t want to spend half our lives barely making it! I know we’ve got the money for September’s rent, but what about October? He says it won’t be a problem, but what if he’s wrong? And why can’t I just live in the moment? We’re not faced with homelessness right now, so why can’t I just relax and enjoy life until and if there ever really is another crisis? Arrrggghhh!

All I know is this – I’m not going on the streets! I may be forced to play poor-assed bum, but I’ll totally kill myself before I hit the streets. This is as cheap as it gets, so if we lost this place there’d be no place to go! I also know that something up there has been obsessed with me being in places I don’t want to be throughout most of my life, and despite the few flaws here, this is the best place I’ve ever lived, and oh my God! I’ve got a damn good idea! Back in a sec.

Tom and I talked about this before, back in the motel, and have decided to actually do it instead of just talk about it. We’re going to save up $1500 or so and get an RV as a backup. That way if the absolute worst-case scenario occurred and we couldn’t live here, we could load that up, throw our stuff in storage, then live in that for a while. The question is, can we survive long enough to get it? If only my teeth didn’t need so much work!

There is some good news and that’s that I’m down to 141.4. I thought this 1000-calorie diet had stopped working, but I guess it hasn’t. I have no idea how much more I’ll lose. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see how hard it is. Some days are certainly better than others. I’ve been taking multivitamins to help keep from feeling rundown, being stuck, and all those other things that go with dieting.

And now I’m up almost a whole pound. I did splurge a little yesterday, but only a little. Fortunately, I’m not that hungry today.

Thanks to Tom’s accumulation of Coke reward points, I’m getting a new $40 Oakley messenger bag! At least I think it’s a messenger bag. It’s a bright red Oakley Girl Bag. It also says “swivel mid,” whatever that means. The “mid” must mean it’s a mid-size bag, but it’s awfully big for a mid-size. The pocketbook Nervous got me a million years ago is 9” long and 6” tall, but this one’s 15” long and 10” tall. My current black pocketbook only has two compartments, plus an inner and outer pocket. This one has 3 outer pockets and an inner one. It’s definitely roomy and capable of holding larger items like books.

Their pink metallic Hobo bag was actually the prettiest, but it’s way too small. Smaller than the one I’ve got now.

Later…

Scratch that red messenger bag. In the end, I decided on the Petite Pouchette Medium Hobo bag in pale metallic bronze by Nine West Handbags. It’s a $32 bag and will be here by September 4th. It has an inner pocket and two outer pockets and is almost 14” long and just over 9” tall. It’s ¼” wider than that big messenger bag would’ve been at 4.25”.

At 1:30 yesterday morning, then again at 5:00 a few hours later, I heard this obnoxious barking from down the hill. Heard it before midnight, too. It totally fucking figures, huh? I mean, it just so totally fucking figures! As soon as we get here, in comes this shit. I’m sure I’ll get shot awake at some point this week, too. If I didn’t know any better I’d hope they moved or got evicted, but I do know better. I know that even if they did leave, the same old shit would move right in to replace them. I’m just glad I can’t hear the barking during the daytime. The shooting is bad enough, and I doubt talking to them will help. People like that just don’t respond to words.

A couple of nights ago at around 11:00, I was going to pee when I heard shouts coming from down there. The good thing about it was that it was so faint. You had to literally stick your face in the open window by the toilet to hear anything. I couldn’t tell if they were fighting or just goofing around, but I could certainly tell that I wouldn’t want them living a driveway away, let alone a wall away! I even smiled at the fact that they’re as far away as they are.

Got a letter from Mary, obviously sent before she could’ve gotten the trailer picture, or hopefully gotten it. She asked that I email her attorney a character reference letter, which I was more than happy to do, even though I don’t see how it’ll help. They didn’t help me, but this isn’t a case of blacks against whites in Arizona either, where blacks are favored by the law. I still don’t think character references help many defendants no matter what they’re charged with, who they are or where they are, and especially not in a case such as hers. If anything she stands less of a chance than I did. On the other hand, the only “character reference” I got was from Miss Perfect in my case. I would think Mary could get dozens of character references.

What I don’t get is how it can help even if the judge were to be impressed with what people have to say about her. She says the DA is trying to get her 15 years while her lawyer’s trying to get her home at sentencing after 10 years. But even if she gets 15 years, has already been there since 2000, and gets a year off for every 3 she’s done, then wouldn’t her sentence be up even if the DA gets his way?

I just hope she stays away from her mother and abusive men whenever the hell she does get out, and that she has no more children. She may love kids, but she’s lost enough of her life as it is. Not only could she do the world a favor by not contributing to the overpopulation problem that’s getting out of hand, but she deserves some freedom for once. But she hasn’t had sex since she was 23, she’s still fairly young at almost 31 years old and hasn’t any discriminations.

Meanwhile, everyone else is disappearing on me. This is the longest time I’ve gone without hearing from both Paula and Jessie. I hope nothing’s wrong with Jessie! As for Paula, she’s definitely got to be either in jail or worse. Worse as in sick, hurt or dead. But my news search has turned up nothing. If she really were dead, that doesn’t necessarily mean it would be mentioned online, though. People pay for obituaries, and I can’t imagine anyone paying for an obituary for her if she really is dead. All I know is that while she may hate to write, she wouldn’t go this long without calling unless something was wrong.

It’s been a month since Jessie’s emailed me and she usually doesn’t go longer than two weeks. My guess is that she’s got job and maybe even man problems. Maybe her hubby had a relapse. Hopefully, nothing’s wrong with her kids.

It’s kind of weird. First my parents disappear, then Paula, now Jessie. That’s a lot of people to have disappeared from your life. I hope Mary won’t be next!

I jumped up two-tenths of a pound to 142.0, and am kind of taking the day off. Everybody needs at least one day off a week from dieting so long as they don’t veer too far off track. I’ve been incredibly hungry! So hungry that there’s not much I can do about it, but wait it out. This is because I let myself get so damn hungry that nothing I eat satisfies me. But I’m also no longer used to shoveling in large quantities of food anymore, so I just try to find a reasonable balance somewhere in between.

I’m still being woken up at times by that damn motorcycle if he revs it up when I’m lying on my good ear. The way the sound reverberates underneath the house is really fucking annoying. So instead of running the sound machine through the stereo, I created white noise on the stereo by having it on a radio station that isn’t on a radio station. Then, so I have both high and low pitches, I put the sound machine on the bed and will play that on the lowest sound it can make. I’m sure my sleep will still be as cursed as it has been since 1992, but I like to try new things anyway. The problem with the sound machine or the white noise alone is that it doesn’t have a wide range of pitches and so that’s why I need to run both. I need higher pitches to drown out movement Tom may make inside the house, and lower pitches to override the rumbling of that fucking motorcycle.

The good news is that I’m down to 141.8 pounds. I hadn’t bothered dieting for a while and so my usual monthly high was 147.something right before my period, and 142.something right after it. Then I went back on my homemade “Timer Diet,” where I eat 5 times a day with 3-hour intervals in between. All but one of the things I eat has to be 125 calories or less, then I can have whatever I want for a main meal and beverages. I’ve been having 2 fruit cups, 2 low-cal muffins, and a generous TV dinner. I was 147.something 4 days ago, then for 3 days in a row, I was 142.6. Each month, if I can get my monthly high to be my old monthly low, then I’ve got it made. So that means that right before my next period which is due September 11th, I don’t want to be over 142.6 pounds.

I’ve also been jogging through the place in combination with bouncing on my exercise ball for about 20 minutes a day. The good thing about it is knowing that I dropped my weight. Not a poverty spell, not some evil foster mother, nor any nasty jail food, but me! I did this myself.

My day wasn’t off to a great start. After 6 failed attempts to boot into Windows, I jumped over to OSX for a while. Then I couldn’t figure out how to get back into Windows. Once I finally remembered, it took me two tries before I made it in. There are so many things I hate and love about Windows and OSX. I wish I could have it all in one reliable place! I hate computers as much as I love them and haven’t been able to imagine life without them since ’93.

Our weekly shoot-out began at 6:00 this evening and lasted about 15 minutes. This time I spoke with Jesse, and as it turns out, he’s not such a bad guy, just dumb at times. Unfortunately, though, he didn’t hear the shots because he’d just walked in the door when I called which was several minutes after the last round of shots.

No, there isn’t a hunting season around here, so no, they shouldn’t be shooting, he says. He said we may hear shots on July 4th or New Year’s Eve, but there hasn’t been a problem since a long time ago when some renter in back was shooting and the neighbors, also renters, called the cops on them. Well, as I told him, I don’t scare easily, but this makes me nervous because I worry that they’re going to hit the house. We don’t know if they know what they’re doing or if they’re just a bunch of drunks without a care in the world for those around them. They must not care that much since they’re shooting in the first place, experienced and sober or not. This is the kind of racket you make in the city, so what they’re doing out here is a mystery to me.

Jesse said he’d go and talk to the renters, which he did before coming to talk to me. The renters behind the bedroom side of our place said that new renters next to them, which would be behind the kitchen end of the place, recently moved in and they were the ones doing the shooting (funny how they move in right after we do). So anyway, Jesse’s going to have a talk with them. He said something about finding his dog down there one time where his property line ends. He said he’s the only one in this area with 9 acres (we jumped up an acre) and that the other parcels are smaller. So there are a lot of rentals in back. Another curse we still can’t escape; having to live with evil renters. I’m just glad these aren’t just a few feet away, and I hope the shooting stops soon! He also said the shooters have 3 or 4 dogs, which explains the increase in nighttime and early morning barking Tom insists has been coming from in back. Again, ain’t it funny how trouble moves in if we don’t move in with it first? Jesse says he tries to keep his dogs quiet but hasn’t much luck with that when there’s a full moon because that’s when more things come out.

He said to call the cops if it ever got bad, not that I’d ever want to call those corrupt things. Speaking of those little corruptos, one came knocking on Jesse’s door at 2am the other night, looking for someone. He asked if the cops were here. Fortunately not. What was weird was that the pig walked up rather than drove up. At that hour it sounds like someone must’ve escaped from jail or something. Or a drunk driver booked and ran.

Anyway, I appreciate his taking care of this situation, or at least trying to. As pesty as he can be, and despite the shooting, I’d still rather be here than in the city. I feel like we’re less alone with him just up the hill. So even though I’d still rather have a house of our own, I can’t believe he wouldn’t work with us if there ever was a financial crisis again, though I sure as hell hope there isn’t! Also, it’s hard to believe he wouldn’t put us up in a motel or in a room in his house if something ever went wrong with this place. I even told Jesse I wouldn’t mind being here forever if I never won enough money to buy a house of our own. That got me thinking, too. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could one day buy this section of land from him if we really couldn’t ever buy our own place? I wonder if he’d be willing to work out some kind of payment plan with us. Then once the land was paid for, maybe we could build or buy something newer and nicer and have this old trailer hauled out.

What I don’t get is why I can never see any lights glowing in back at night. Especially when there’s no moon. It’s cool that I can’t, though, as I like it pitch black at night.

I’m also wondering about some of the night sounds we’ve been hearing. We always write them off as animals, but what if the time Tom said it sounded like something was walking across the boards in back was really them spying? What if they drove or walked up the little road that leads to the drive, then walked down here when there was just enough moonlight to see their way around, but not enough to be spotted?

He said the water’s now drinkable, which is good cuz I like to have the option of both bottled and tap water. He said he went down and checked and that the well was doing better. But pests will be pests, so that means he’ll still be coming around. He’s going to install a water filter (yeah I knew there’d be something else once the well was working better), plus he’ll be down in a couple of weeks to finish the roof. Says he’s got to cut the metal sheets first.

I gave him our cell number and explained why that would be the best number to call for non-emergencies, though I’m not sure he gets it. We’ll just have to wait and see.

In the 3 years and 3 months I’ve been sweeping, I’ve had 6 big wins. A Caribbean cruise, $2500, a trip to Italy, a large high-def TV, $9000, and a 3K Apple shopping spree. That’s an average of one big win every 6 months. So I hope this means I’ll win big again before the year is out, seeing that I won the Apple shopping spree in May. I wasn’t notified till June, though.

Got a surprisingly generous coffee sample from Starbucks. This sample will easily make about 10 cups! I’ve joined a sample site and so every day I sign up to receive free samples in the mail.

I learned how to do headers in my tell-all journal in my word processor so I could set it up to display entry titles (it centers and bolds the text). It doesn’t open that day when you click on it, though, since it’s all on the same page. I just like the idea of entry titles like on Kiwi. I put them under the dates. I’m going back and doing my entire California journal, but not the others. It’d take forever to go through 20 years’ worth of journals!

Tom doesn’t expect to hear from anyone about jobs until next week. I’m just glad paying September’s rent appears to be no problem! It’s always tough when changing jobs, so unless we’re surprised with him landing a better-paying job than we expect, I’m sure I’ll just move on to worry about October’s rent after that.

So far my top 3 favorite Kiwiers are Jasmine, Alison and RainbowLesbian, whose real name is Jessica. They’re all gay. Well, Alison’s bi. Jasmine and I comment on each other’s journals daily, but Alison and Jessica aren’t online every day. Jessica and I have been reading and commenting more on each other’s journals lately, and she just told me she loves my story journal. I was like, wow, really?! So Alison’s not the only one reading them after all.

It’s hard to believe we’ve been here almost as long as we were in motels! The time really does pass by faster when you’re in a better place.

Once again, I was hungry and homeless in my dreams last night, but at least my allergy problems have stopped. I haven’t taken the snot spray in quite a while now. But are they better because the spells worked, or because whatever was out there causing them has ceased to exist? Hmmm…guess I’ll never know for sure. I’m just glad I’m not sneezing like crazy anymore!

Due to the temperature being down a bit I had to hear a few barking spells. And Tom thought it was a time-of-day thing. I’m still pretty sure it’s a temperature thing, though.

I hate these rats. Not enough to dump them, but I sure miss having sociable rats that like to be handled. These things are just way too timid, and trying to get them to return home after running around loose is next to impossible. I’m not even letting them out today. They’ve really gone and abused that privilege. Maybe if they suffer from being cooped up for a while, they’ll realize that abusing their freedom means they lose it, but these rats are just incredibly dumb for rats. We’ve never had rats this dumb before. They may miss coming out, but they’re hardly suffering in reality. They manage to play and keep themselves entertained at home.

I hope that when Tom gets home in a couple of hours he’ll have emails and even phone calls to tell me about pertaining to new job possibilities. Better yet, I’d love for him to get an actual interview!

Got a missed call this morning from a blocked number, but Tom says he gets those all the time. I still don’t expect to hear from Andy, but whatever’s meant to be will be. Unless Marla didn’t get the letter, though, perhaps she just has yet to get a hold of him to tell him about it, or maybe he’s taking his time to think about it.

Now that I’ve found this really cool online journal, I don’t have much to say lately. I guess that’s a good thing, though, cuz usually, when I have a lot to say, it’s not very good.

I just hope Tom gets a job real soon and that we get our savings back up. I’d like to always have at least a couple of grand after the rent’s been paid. That way, if the transmission went out on the car or something like that, we’d be covered. If it went out right now, though, we’d be pretty damn screwed.

I just wish I could stop worrying that the past is going to return to haunt us! Nearly losing your life really leaves your emotions pretty tangled up. I’m more appreciative of the good things, but I’m always paranoid and worrying, too. I’m still having “motel nightmares,” and I know it’ll probably be a while before they back off. The same thing happened after jail. I had all kinds of dreams about being stuck back there, and now I’m stuck back in that damn motel room all over again, writing my “death note,” giving details of what happened and family contact info for whoever was to find our bodies.

sighs I think I’ll go try to work on my book for a while.

Finally, a good win! Not a biggie, but a goodie. I got Flirtatious perfume worth $35. What’s interesting is that the contest ran for a long time, 6 months, and I was the only winner! Guess that’s the difference between a 1½-star non-premium sweep and a 5-star premium sweep. It’s got a nice sweet, sugary smell, and reminds me of cotton candy. I wonder if these are the same people who were supposed to send the Glamourazzi perfume. Maybe they sent this instead by accident, but it doesn’t matter either way, cuz this one smells great.

Tom tried to install and run parallels on my computer so I could use both OSX and Windows, but it corrupted my word processor and we had to reload it. That’s when I said fuck OSX! I’m not going to bother with it at all. I’ll just stick with what’s been working for me, and Tom seems to have solved the boot-up crashing problem I was having. He just needed to update a certain program.

Another scorching hot day. I wish it was this way year-round. Keeps things quieter, too. Of course, I can’t say what’s been going on at 3am, since I haven’t been up that late in a while. It wouldn’t surprise me, though, if the dogs were going at least a little crazy. I still think it’ll be just the opposite in the winter with the dogs barking during the daytime and quiet at night.

I haven’t been winning much lately which is a real bummer. Is it compensation for winning big a couple of months ago? Or is it compensation for another big win to come?

Alison gave me positive feedback when reviewing Angel Eyes. I’m surprised she liked it so much! If I had to judge my stories, I’d vote it as one of my worst. Even Tom couldn’t get into it. I’m glad she pointed out the few mistakes I made, too.

I hope the dork up the hill will tell us when he’s switched us back over to the well. Judging by how clear the water in the toilet bowl looks, I’d say there’s a good chance he did. I just wish he’d call to say so if I’m right so I can drink the tap water again, but no, he has to come down in person and bug us that way for everything.

Tom says they’re now short one person on the third shift and that they hope they switch him to it so he’d have more time during the daytime to look for a new job. I can’t believe they even have a third shift still with all the business they’ve lost!

I just hope whatever’s up there won’t let us suffer financially until he does have a new job. I’m tired of money being an issue so often in our lives. Enough is enough!

It was really hot today, around 100º.

Tom passed the DMV test, which is good, but he has to wait till his license is mailed to him. I just hope it doesn’t take long, even though he’s already got proof enough that he’s an Auburn resident and can therefore start hauling shit to the dump. More importantly, I hope he finds a job closer to home with benefits! He can start putting in applications early next week, which he says is the best time to submit them.

I still do what I’ve been doing best since we came here – worrying about money. That’s the sucky side of having a tragic experience nearly kill you. While you appreciate things all the more if you survive, you always fear the past is going to return to haunt you. Unless we struck it rich, I think I’ll always worry that we’ll one day be faced with either the streets or death, but at least we’d be a lot more comfortable dying here than on a motel room floor, if God forbid, we were ever cursed enough to have our only other choice be to live on the streets. We could go right here in bed without having to worry about interference as long as we did it at night when Jesse was less likely to show up. I just hope God wouldn’t allow us to ever again be put in such a terrifying predicament! He’s allowed enough shit to happen to us as it is! And I hate to think of what He may be putting Paula through right now. Jessie, on the other hand, is no doubt just busy as hell.

Tom decided to go to the DMV here in Auburn tomorrow, rather than by the Carmichael box today because from what he could see online, he should only have a 10-minute wait. Then on the 15th, he’ll return one last time to Carmichael and close that box out for good. Then he shouldn’t ever again have to go to that area.

I hope I’ll feel better once he’s settled in a new job somewhere and that we don’t struggle too badly until he is! Right now I feel like we’re never going to have any real security in life. If only I could win a few grand right now. Our savings is just about gone so a cash win would help. A fellow Kiwier recommended a couple of paid email/survey sites that really do pay you for your time without telling you that you don’t qualify after you waste time on their surveys, but it doesn’t pay much. Them making Tom lose nearly a week of work really hurt us probably more than he’ll ever admit for fear of me worrying even more. I still fear that money will be a problem for us for the rest of our lives. At least for the most part. If God hadn’t gone and cursed me with such a freak sleep disorder and driving phobia, then we’d probably hardly ever have any problems. None that serious anyway. I still have to wonder, what kind of God does this to a person? Why does He hate me so much to inflict that upon me along with all the other problems I’ve had? I keep thinking there’s got to be a reason, that I’ve got to have done something to deserve it, but I’m not sure what. There are people out there with faults far worse than mine that have much easier lives.

Alison said she’s in the middle of Angel Eyes and likes it very much, and I have another subby for my day-to-day journal.

Later…

I was laying around thinking that it was a bummer that my friends are so far away and that our families are the way they are, not just to help us out of any jams we may get into, but because it makes me feel we’re all the more alone in this world. Tom doesn’t feel as I do, but sometimes I just feel so alone.

Then I burst into tears, not so much because of that, but because feelings of guilt over dumping Andy nearly a decade ago hit me like never before. I’ve had my guilty moments over the years and have thought of contacting him at times, but always figured he wouldn’t want anything to do with me, not that I’d blame him. Walking away from my family was one thing as they were abusive to me, but walking away from Andy simply because he could be annoying at times and we’d grown so different was cruel and I’m sorry I ever did such a thing.

So I searched online, got nothing new in Massachusetts, and 3 addresses I’ve known him to live in Phoenix that I can’t imagine he’d still be at after all these years. That’s when I struggled to remember Marla’s last name. Fortunately, I did and found an address for her in Hayward where I remember her to live. I don’t know if she’s still there, but I decided to send a letter there, letting her know how bad I feel over what I did, and asking that she pass along my contact info. I enclosed my email address and cell number, and of course the address is on the envelope. Not knowing if she’d get the letter, I didn’t go into much of what’s gone on with us but simply said we left Arizona, lived in Oregon, and are now in California. As I told her, if all I could do was say “I’m sorry,” that would be better than nothing even if he chose not to contact me. I asked her to tell him that I love him, think of him a lot, and hope he’s happy and healthy in every way possible.

So what do I think will happen at this point? Well, if Marla gets the letter, I’m pretty sure she’ll pass it on to Andy, but I’m not sure Andy will respond. Guess all I can do is leave that to fate and hope for the best. Maybe add a few prayers, too.

Once again I tried OSX, Mac’s operating system, and once again it sucks. I should’ve known better than to bother paying for its pitiful version of Robo I thought I might be able to fine-tune. We’re going to get the $35 we wasted on it back. It’s only got a couple of cool features like the webcam and the reader. The reader not only reads text right in the document rather than copies it to a clipboard, but it also has some pretty funky voices. One sang a letter I typed to Mary to the tune of Pomp & Circumstance. I also liked how you can put it to sleep rather than shut it down, whereas the best I can do with Windows is hibernate it. Other than that, everything else sucked. I can’t think of one other good thing about it. The things that are normally such simple tasks to perform were either a bitch or totally impossible. You can’t even do color schemes or change cursors!

I’m swapping comments with Jasmine just about every day in regards to entries, and in the last two days, I’ve heard from Key too, regarding my bitching about OSX, which she herself uses.

I just get sick of those Kiwiers that always have to be on top. They constantly “edit” their journal just so it’s in the top 20, which is all they show.

One girl left an entry that included a couple of sites that pays people to read emails. She said she got $60 that she transferred to her PayPal account. They pay every month. I sent a note asking how long she’s been a member. If she had to read 10,000 emails to get the $60, then I’m not so sure it’s worth it. But it is free, so the worst I can get is spammed to hell and I already do, thanks to those running contests that feel obligated to pass people’s emails on to everyone in the world.

Haven’t heard from Jessie in ages. No calls, no emails, no nothing. I hope she’s just busy and that nothing’s wrong.

Tom and I went to Walmart and shopped to the usual tune of unruly kids.

Now that he got his birth certificate, the next step is getting a license. That means it’s off to wait forfuckingever at the MVD tomorrow. Then hopefully – hopefully – if God is with us Tom will get a new job closer to home that offers benefits that won’t cost half his income to receive!

I should add that I haven’t heard from Paula in ages. She’s always been a little out of it, but she never used to go this long without writing or calling. I hope she’s ok, too. I checked for any news online and came up empty. I hope she’s not sick or in jail! She no longer has her cell phone.

I hate this Apple PC! Better yet I hate running Windows on it cuz it takes forever to boot up! It boots and crashes, boots and crashes, over and over again. I’ve got to have him switch me to the Mac’s own operating system. The only sucky thing is that the Robo that works with it is beyond shitty. I’m basically going to have to fill out forms myself because it’s so half-assed, and practically give up everything else I do. I’ll edit my sweeps down a bit, but it’ll still be a huge amount of work.

Two nights ago I dreamt I won $500. Hope that means I’m sitting on a good one!

Tom has the next 4 days off, and this time he’ll be paid for it!

No one called back about the shooting, but I wonder, could it be Jesse? He’s got to own at least part of the ditch area to have a well there, he wasn’t home when I called (although I heard someone drive in not long afterward), so it makes me wonder. Tom doesn’t think so and he doesn’t think there’s a hunting season around here either. I hope he’s right and that someone puts a stop to whoever it is. If it’s a bunch of crazy drunks having a good time, then I not only have to worry about being woken up and annoyed by the noise when I am awake, but then I also have to worry about the house being hit as well.

I wonder why no one called if only to say they didn’t know anything about it. Maybe because it really was him or they were offended by my complaining about there being barking “all around here,” and knew that I was talking about his dogs. I was, but there’s one in back somewhere that can be just as annoying.

Anyway, it’s been dead quiet all day today.

In case I haven’t already said so, I’m done updating my autobiography for who knows how many years. I just hope that the next update won’t include anything nearly as bad as last fall!!! I still wonder how we survived it.

Alison hasn’t been turned against me by the immature assholes on KB. In fact, she’s had issues with Amber, too. She was not only busy but unable to access kiwinotes for a while. Yeah, some people were complaining about that, but fortunately that wasn’t one of the many problems I had. I still love Kiwi as much as I hate it. I mean, I hate the site’s layout, it’s very tricky to navigate and is set up by a bunch of dumb-ass amateurs, but it’s still lots of fun. I just wish they had a better prize selection and a more straightforward setup.

Alison subbied to my main journal and says she’ll catch up on my stories soon. She and Jasmine are definitely my favorites there.

The Olympics are to be held in Beijing this year and I’m looking forward to watching the gymnastics online. That’s my favorite of the summer games, as figure skating is of the winter games.

Won a $20 Kmart Gift Card from the Kmart Hulk Text2Win Promotion.

Oh, that fucking rude asshole up the hill! The dog’s fucking whining its ass off. How utterly rude of him to let this happen every single fucking morning! He lets the big one bark at 3am, and the other one whines early in the morning. It is so damn obnoxious! How can he stand it himself? And how can he not give a damn about us? He knows damn well Tom sleeps in. Just because Tom’s a heavy sleeper doesn’t make this rudeness ok. It’s annoying as hell to hear even when we’re up. I was a little worried my music was too loud, but you know what? I don’t give a damn anymore if he hears me or not! I just don’t fucking give a damn! I hear his motors, his dogs, so fuck him. Just fuck him!

I knew this place seemed too good to be true. I’m already looking for other places. Not actively seeking to move, but just keeping my eyes open as to what’s out there. If we can get a place that doesn’t have a well or the owner living on the land, and that has direct mail and trash service without the nearest neighbor being an arm’s length away, it may be worth looking into if it’s comparable in rent. I hate to move again, but I can’t ask my own landlord to shut his dogs up and leave us the hell alone to live in peace. The best I can do is enclose a note with the next rent payment asking that he call when it comes to non-emergencies and hope he has the decency to do so. It’s just that 90% of the things he’s coming down for are emergencies and I’m getting sick of his little emergencies, real or not, and the fucking dogs! He’s coming down here more than Scot came to the Maricopa house! More than I ever had any invited company in Phoenix or back east. Part of the reason we wanted seclusion was to keep people away from our door like religious and salespeople. Instead, we’ve got this little shit bugging us every 1-2 weeks. Yet if I complain he’ll probably just be like, “Well, I own this place, you don’t. So if you don’t like it, leave, and I’ll find new renters.” I personally would try to please my renters just as I would my customers if I had a store, but that’s just me and I know most people aren’t like that. They’d rather simply not deal with those who aren’t happy. Period. I may not be unhappy, but I’m not happy lately either, and you know how Tom is. He’d rather me be annoyed than open my mouth. He’s paranoid that complaining, no matter how kindly we went about it, would get us tossed out. Yeah, but WE’RE the ones paying HIM!

I know one thing for sure and that’s that he’s full of shit about going back to work. Yeah, when? When has he been working? Unless he’s working an hour or two each day or smashed another finger, we see vehicles up there all the time when we come and go.

And the motorcycle story Maryann told us when we first came to see the place just doesn’t jive. I don’t know why it took 4 months for it to hit me, but if someone was going to steal his motorcycle, why would they leave it at the end of the road? Wouldn’t they take it somewhere else if they were going to keep it, or sell it if they wanted to sell it? That sounds like a revenge thing. Like Jesse did something to piss the last people off. They may’ve been jerks, but it sounds like Jesse did some shit himself.

Later…

The trigger-happy psycho’s back in the ditch. Yeah, I figured it would be. There were only 3 shots fired this time, but what if I was asleep? I’d not only be woken up for damn sure, but it’s so damn annoying to listen to when I’m awake! It puts the Maricopa shots to shame, right along with Jesse’s ATV and beasts.

I really wanted to know if Jesse knew what was up with this, so I called up there but got no answer. So I left Maryann a message and added that lately there’s been “barking all-around” late at night and early morning. I figured that was a good time to subtly yet obviously let them know it bothers me. I added that I was “surprised” and wondered where it came from, hoping it’d stop soon. I told her there was no hurry getting back to us and that she could call either the landline or Tom’s cell. Anyway, I’d guess it is legal and that hunting season started after the 1st. Nice of them to tell us if that really is the case, huh? Now I’ll have to deal with that as often as I have to deal with dumb shit coming down here. Wish he could be a gorgeous woman to make his visits a little more worth it!

I told Tom why I thought the motorcycle story sounded like a crock, and he thinks they did try to steal it and that they wheeled it down the drive. But once they realized it was too heavy to lift up into a vehicle, they just left it there.

I’m sorry they failed to succeed, even though he’d have just gone and gotten a new one.

Once again we’re back to playing water games. Starting late last night the pressure has been low. Right on time, too. No wonder he can’t keep renters for long. I can hear him on the ATV going to and from the well, but I still wonder how much of these near-weekly problems are of his own fabrication as an excuse to come down here. If he’s that paranoid of us, why doesn’t he just plop a hidden camera on the hillside and keep an eye on us that way?

And I’m getting sick of the late-night/early-morning barking, too! Arrrggghhh!

Well, I’ll be damned. I just up and peed and found the water pressure back to normal. Ah, but I’m sure he’ll just have to come down anyway.

Later…

Right on time. Yeah, dumb cock came ATVing down to tell us he filled the tank with ditch water (though we haven’t been hooked up to the ditch), so don’t drink the water. Tom then asked if he had the landline number so he could “save himself a trip” next time, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he were too stupid to get that what that really means is STOP COMING DOWN HERE! Yet I’m sure he’ll be back anywhere from a few days to a couple of weeks to hook us up to the ditch as he continues to be too stupid to get his floats straight. That’s what Tom’s pretty sure is the problem. What I didn’t know myself was that when we were hooked up to the ditch, that was actually a shallow well. I had thought it was just a pump sitting down in the ditch itself. Anyway, living here is still way better than being in the city, but between his stupidity and the barking I’d really love to thread the dog’s tails down his throat and out his ass, then bury all 3 of them in the hillside and take over the land ourselves! Man, I wish we owned it. The only good thing about not owning it is not having to pay to fix things.

Meanwhile, if he continues to come down for non-emergencies (although it’s quite a coincidence the amazing amount of emergencies he has), I’ll call Maryann and explain to her that hey, I don’t think he understands that one of us is on nights half the time and a very light sleeper. And so I get woken up half the time he comes down. I’ll also see what she has to say about the barking too, though if they barked last night I wouldn’t know it. I slept until 5am. One of them whines for a few minutes every morning between 6:30 - 7:30, presumably because it hears him getting up. The barking’s not nearly as annoying as him coming down here (as long as it doesn’t go on for hours or many times a day) because my sound machine is loud enough to keep it from waking me up. The ATV, however, is not.

I just wonder how much longer this shit with the well is going to go on, and what will come next after that? Even more so, I wonder how much of it is intentional so he has an excuse to come down.

Tom’s allergies are bugging him today. Mine, amazingly, isn’t going off today even though I went out yesterday. Maybe this snot spray really does help!

We went to pick up the mail yesterday. The package was just a light bulb. Man, I ain’t winning shit lately, and when I do, it seems I don’t get the prize! The question is, is this compensation for the Apple win? Or am I sitting on another biggie?

I got the lip gloss from Kiwi. It’s just so-so, right along with the temp tat and rings I got. I almost wish I could get back the points I used for these things, but I wanted to try them anyway. The lip gloss is flavorless and doesn’t provide much moisture at all, the tat wore off almost as fast as I applied it, and the purple ring is too dark.

Another night of scattered barking. I’m getting closer to calling up there and asking what’s up with that and seeing if he can put the damn dogs on the other side of the house if he’s not going to take them indoors. I just hope it isn’t a temperature thing! If it is it’ll be like being back in the city from December through February.

I received another OLS friend request after commenting on this lady’s personal quote that I liked. Something to the effect of being happier when she’s worrying about what’s going on in her own life versus the lives of strangers. As I told her, I not only totally agree, but I don’t understand why so many people think things should be one way or another. Take gay marriage and abortion, for example. Why not let those who want these things get them, and those who don’t not get them? We don’t only sell one flavor of ice cream simply because not everyone likes other flavors.

Anyway, I had to laugh (not directly to her, of course) when I read that she’s been sweeping since 1985 and her biggest prize was 5 grand. And here I’ve been sweeping since 2005 and my biggest prize was 9 grand! Once again, not everyone’s psychic. I just wish I could get good enough to win a house or at least enough money to buy one outright! The first of 3 home giveaways just expired. On the 15th will be another one, then a million-dollar house in Florida expires on 9/30. They’re all dailies.

Nothing exciting in the mail, though there is an oversized package awaiting us. It could be anything from a package to a large envelope containing these damn travel packages I get to his birth certificate. Unless it’s something way good, we hope it’s the certificate for which they finally took the money. Hopefully, soon enough he can get the hell out of the shithole he’s working in now and into something closer that’ll provide benefits. Again, we don’t care if it pays shitty. Sure we’d rather it didn’t, but getting him closer to home so we can save on gas and getting me to a dentist and ear doctor is more important right now. Wish I could win at least a grand just to cover all the co-payments when this finally happens, if it ever really does, before I’m 65 and automatically insured in 23 more years!

The rats got so huge that we decided to move them into one of the bigger cages, the first one we got. So Tom pulled it out of the shed and I cleaned it in the tub with the shower massager and set it up for them. They seem much happier now that they’ve got more room to play in. It’ll be a little more work for me cleaning-wise, but they’re worth it, even though these aren’t the greatest rats we’ve ever had. They don’t bite which is most important.

It was a bad dog night there for a while. Around 2:00 the dogs went off for about 10 minutes, plus there were scattered barks afterward. I don’t think it was just them either. I still think someone recently moved down in the ditch somewhere, so Jesse must not own that entire area. That’d explain the lunchtime food smells Tom’s smelled lately, the gunshots, and increased barking. I know most people think it’s A-OK to leave dogs outdoors 24/7 and to make as much racket as they want, but how do people sleep through such noise? And how can they have no courtesy to their neighbors whatsoever?

I’m almost finished updating my autobiography. It’ll be a few more days before it’s all posted on Kiwi.

Last night I dreamt Tom was working the numbers and said the money was “dwindling.” It’s dreams like this that can be scary to someone known to have dream premonitions, but he assured me everything was fine. I hope so! Especially since it wasn’t here. It was in a big old house in New York of all places.

While I still don’t believe there’s any future with the horses, Tom’s learning a new programming language that runs on the new Mac. He’s encouraged, saying he’s learned that it’s not as complex as he thought it would be.

I had my first two wins of the month already. A sample of Colgate Total toothpaste, and an $88 beauty kit. It contains shower gels, lotions, cleansers, toners – stuff I love.

I was pissed today, now yesterday, for a couple of reasons. First, I was woken up by gunshots of all things. Yeah, there’s always got to be something cursing my sleep. It sounded like a pistol down in the ditch, but I never saw anything. As far as we know you’re not allowed to fire a gun in this area, and also, hunting season would never be during fire season. Fortunately, it didn’t go on for long, but now that’s one more thing I gotta worry about waking me when I’m on nights.

Jesse said the tank still wasn’t filling well when Tom called to let him know the rent was in his box. He didn’t say anything about the roof or anything else, but I’m sure he’ll be down here for something soon enough.

I still hear a few scattered barks here and there between 11pm – 7am, but nothing overwhelming lately.

The other thing that pissed me off was the mail people at the jail. I sent a letter with a sheet of 7 small pictures on it and specifically enclosed a note asking that they not return the letter to me if the enclosed picture sheet wasn’t acceptable due to the cost of stamps these days and that they just disregard the picture sheet, but what did the assholes do? Well, they returned the whole thing of course. They enclosed a little note of their own saying “pic size.” Tom said I should’ve cut them up so it wouldn’t be seen as a collage, but how could they have seen it as a collage? The pictures in a collage touch and overlap. This was clearly several pictures on one sheet of paper, not one big picture. Would it really have been all that hard for them to pick up a pair of scissors and cut them out if that was the problem? I don’t think that was the problem, though. Remember, I was kind of famous too, so they no doubt recognized my name and are going to fuck with me no matter what.

Tom suggested I cut them up and try again, but no way! I’m not going to play games with these people. As long as it’s me sending pictures in, they’ll be returned no matter what. Hell, they’ll say the colors are too damn bright or something, and we don’t need our time and money thrown away like that. I totally should’ve known better. I really should have. Therefore we’re back to waiting for her to get out of there if she ever does. They’ll look so much better on a computer anyway. If Nathan can get some in to her from Webshots, more power to him.