On the way to the cardiologist and very tired. Yeah, there’s nothing like being psychic and having a nightmare of being swept off a rocky cliff and into the ocean below by a giant wave and knowing it means trouble lies ahead. It’s just a matter of waiting to find out what it is. It can’t be the mamo, though, because Galileo hasn’t gotten my results yet. Had anything suspicious shown up, they’d know it by now. Despite my family history, I can’t believe anything is up with my heart.

The honker returned just after midnight on the 29th. I saw the water company turning his water on a couple of days before, so I knew I wasn’t going to make it until November without him. Funny, how it’s returning earlier and earlier each year. In 2021 it was on November 7th. Last year was on Halloween. Now it’s the 29th. I’m guessing it will stay longer as well. Last year it only stayed a day later than the year before but I don’t think it was by choice. I know he wanted to stay longer, but something came up at home.

I learned that Canadians don’t need to apply for citizenship or even have a visa, but they can only stay for 6 months at a time. Sadly, jail taught me just how long half a year really is.

For now, I just hope he doesn’t ride more now that he’s single. Keri even left the park group, so I saw, and he only has one of the dogs from what I can tell. I’m hoping he might not ride more often simply because most of the time he would take off in the truck in the past, it was by himself and he could have taken the motorcycle those times. Hopefully, he’ll give me “permission” to get out of the doghouse soon. Really, really hate having to be put out in my own home so someone else can have fun. At least he goes home for Christmas. The thing is that half of the time he turns the damn thing on, it’s to move it. Despite how common they are here, if you look at all the carports in the park, very few of them have motorcycles. So it’s just my shit luck to get near not one but two of them.

Tom power-washed the car so it looks a lot nicer. Just wish it wasn’t 85 degrees out today. The heat doesn’t help being so exhausted and with my heart a little racy. I just hope that the doctor has my echocardiogram results.

My weight mostly reset itself as it usually does. I can tell my TSH is dropping cause I’m not so cold and my HR is a little higher. Plus, I had a little more energy over the weekend. Today I’m just exhausted due to the nightmare and waking up a lot.

My lower back has been hurting like crazy but I think it’s the mattress and not the Losartan. We’re gonna flip the mattress again soon. Still won’t give me much support either way. My spine doesn’t feel like it’s aligned well on this thing. That’s part of why I want to eventually get a high-end airbed. Something that doesn’t have foam that breaks down over time.

I don’t know how I haven’t heard this story before, since it happened while we were married. Maybe I just don’t remember or didn’t care but Mary (Miss Perfect) had chronic fatigue, which I still think I have if nothing’s up with my heart, and a CPAP doesn’t help if I ever get one. I guess one symptom is regular back pain. She had quite a bit of that and they did X-rays and sent her to a chiropractor, but nothing helped. So then they gave her antidepressants, which is how they treat chronic fatigue and her back pain disappeared.

But did her energy levels ever improve? I asked Tom. He said he doesn’t remember her mentioning that either way. Just that she thought she was tired and her back hurt because of work.

Leaving the cardiologist now. I like her way better than the endo. She’s from here and therefore with an accent I can understand. She spoke loud and clear and enough to inform me of things I needed to know, but not so much that I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

Her nurse did an EKG which looked great but that was just a 10-second thing.

She was just as disappointed as I was that the echocardiogram results hadn’t been forwarded to her. In this digital age, there’s just no excuse for that. Galileo should have that and my mammogram by now. This is ridiculous, but as usual, it’s going to fall on us to do someone else’s job for them because we’re going to have to call the MRI place and get them ourselves. This is why we made a point of scheduling the visit with her after the echocardiogram, thinking she would have the results then.

Meanwhile, she’s going to have me do a nuclear stress test to look for blockages which will be scheduled soon. Plus, I’m going to be mailed a heart monitor. These days, luckily, it’s just a wireless patch you wear on my chest that is connected to Bluetooth. She said I could sleep on my stomach, shower, and live my life as I normally do while it’s on for a week.

I’ll have a follow-up with her in mid-December, and maybe then I’ll remember to ask her about PAH. I totally forgot. We did discuss my family history, and how I’ve been having a lot of fatigue, and I mentioned the funny palpitations I have at times too. She couldn’t tell me if they mean anything but says they could be harmless extra beats from the bottom of the heart.

I knew there would be more appointments, though. I swear they’re like cockroaches.

Because this morning wouldn’t have been convenient for me to meet with Helen, I canceled and sent her a text letting her know I wanted to discontinue therapy for now but would contact her if I wanted to resume again. I told her that I believe I have enough tools to help get me through the tough times. I didn’t tell her this, but I don’t think she can do much more for me that I can’t do myself. I’m still not even sure anything we did was helpful. I also canceled the appointment online, but she never replied. I have a feeling she’s not too happy about it but oh well.

My mood is always better when I’m on days. Still need to work on finding more to do at night to distract me because that’s when my mood is likely to head south. I still don’t know why. It never used to be like this in the past. Maybe it’s because N24 progresses with age, as it has, and I wish more and more that I could always be on days. I just didn’t mind as much in the past but maybe that’s because I didn’t have as many appointments. I was outdoors more in the past as well. That’s another thing I have to do is make sure I get out when my schedule permits. I don’t miss Phoenix, but I sure miss that big, private backyard with its pool and sitting out on the bench swing. I almost wish cigarettes were free and harmless because that would be a good reason to pace back and forth in the back. There’s no place to sit back there so all I can do is stand with the ants and planes. At least the ants don’t bite as much here. Also, he sprayed them the other day and it seemed to do the trick.

We charged up a bit and now we’re off to BK. I’m so damn hungry, too!

We got treats at Walgreens the other day and Carol, the British cashier, now knows us well since we’ve been there enough times.

Love the two cute little misters I got for those hot flashes. Didn’t realize they needed to be charged, but that’s okay. I’ve got one on each desk. I almost wish I took one out in the car today.

I also love my new olive oil dispenser and pink drawer organizers I got. They really help make better use of the space and allow you to find things easier.

Still have a little burning down there at times, even using Replens, which I think I’m gonna stick with. I still doubt I have any kind of infection, even though I’m going to get cranberry juice just in case and because it’s good for you anyway. I think this is just how I am now so I may as well get used to it.

The latest challenge is out. A Halloween-themed challenge with rides around the various stomping grounds of some horror writers. So they’re mostly in New England, the UK, and Romania.

The fucking car reeks of cigarette smoke now because a couple exited their car nearby with cigarettes as I wait for Tom to pick up our food. When the fuck are they going to ban public smoking?!

I wasn't going to do an entry until after my Monday appointment but I can't sleep. Tom and I were talking about going to the clubhouse on Tuesday to play bicycle bingo. This is basically to get out and do something different. 

We were having a discussion earlier about how I've been having the same damn problem for years now where I just can't get excited over anything. I just don't feel I have much to look forward to, even when things aren't necessarily bad. Once you get to be this age, even if you're healthy and happy, things just aren't new and exciting anymore. If I won another cruise to another country, not that I wouldn't appreciate it, it wouldn't hold the same excitement it held for me when I first did in 2006 because I've already experienced it.

Part of me misses my old emotions. Not being the basket case that I used to be at times, but just feeling things instead of being so numb so much of the time. I really think it's a combination of age experience, maturity and, of course, EMDR.

I miss so many aspects of my old life as much as I don't. I miss having crushes on people. I miss feeling the intense relief that comes with skirting a dangerous situation but I don't miss coming close to danger. I miss getting all excited over the prospect of something totally new and imagining how wonderful it could be even if I turned out to be completely wrong. 

Well, there is something sort of new and that's that I started studying Romanian on Duolingo. I'm not new to foreign languages but I'm new to Romanian.

I wish those who hate gays and women would stop calling it a religious thing because it’s not about religion any more than rape is about sex. It’s about hate and control. Period. Religion is simply the weapon they use to carry out their hateful deeds. Furthermore, saying that the acceptance of gays will lead to the acceptance of pedophiles is like saying decriminalizing marijuana will lead to decriminalizing murder. Some people are just so fucking ridiculous that I'm truly embarrassed for them.

The fatigue is really kicking my ass. It seems like nearly every day I’m napping. I feel like I’m gonna be so doomed if we can’t figure this out. My biggest fear is still that it’s chronic fatigue, something I can’t even treat let alone cure. Fatigue like this would be a horrible life sentence.

I’m not sure if I would be relieved or horrified if they told me something was wrong with my heart. It would certainly fit with my symptoms and there would be treatment for it but I just don’t see it. That would be too easy. Finding a cause and being able to say hey, that’s it and this is what we can do about it is too easy and nothing is ever that simple for me. If there’s anything up there, yes, it would be cruel enough to inflict me with something this debilitating. The only thing worse that could happen to me would be if I became paralyzed or blind. Dealing with such heavy fatigue so much of the time is nothing I can ever “get used to.” This is simply no way to live because you’re basically too tired to have much of a life.

I’m also worried about my TSH and whether or not we can ever get that under control to stay and whether or not I’m really infected. I took the second diflucan, but I have my doubts as to whether or not I ever had a yeast infection or a UTI despite the WBC in my pee.

My mamo and echo were fast and painless. I was surprised. I knew the echo would be pain-free, but I expected some discomfort with the mamo. Yet the only actual discomfort were the positions I had to stand in. She took four pictures and the boobies were only compressed for about 10 seconds for each pic.

There was actually slightly more discomfort with the echo. I had to lie on my left side and he jelled up the ultrasound stick thingy they use and kind of pressed it a little hard against my breastbone.

We were surprised by how quickly I was in and out. After the mamo, the echo was done just one room over.

When we were done, we went to the Cracker Barrel and the food was pretty good. I got the country-fried shrimp. Of course, the music was too loud but it was actually louder in the bathroom than in the restaurant. Someone could have been puking their guts out in the next stall, and I probably wouldn’t have heard them.

Although I’ve been tired, getting out boosted my mood a bit after spending a couple of days down and anxious. I’m relieved the tests have been done. Like I said, I would be very surprised if anything bad was found. At this point, I think some of my fatigue is on the thyroid, but most is chronic fatigue. It’s a rough life sentence to be facing, but not much I can do about it. There doesn’t seem to be much I can do about whatever’s hell-bent on cursing my sleep either. Last time around it was killer foot cramps, so I’m making a point to drink enough. It took me two fucking hours to get back to sleep. When I woke up, I was tired as I always am when my sleep gets broken up like that. I later napped for about an hour but I’m still tired, as I seem to be most of the time.

Still have occasional burning down there, similar to when I was in California. I’m still not sure if I ever really did have a yeast infection and if I should take the Diflucan or not. Trying the new moisturizer, Gynatrof, and they aren’t kidding when they said in the reviews that it burns at first. If I don’t like it, I’ll stick with Replens since Revaree is too expensive.

I checked out of curiosity, and Rosa won’t be released next year after all. Pretty sure that before it said 2024 but didn’t give a month or a day. Now it says her release date is set for 12/2/2025. She has a lot of infractions against her so maybe that’s why even if most of it seems to be the usual petty shit (disobeying orders, found with contraband). Then she’ll be “ICE’d” to Mexico. Then again, 25 years is pretty typical for second-degree murder.

The question is, did she really do it? Did she really intentionally kill her daughter? Was it an accident? Or could she be totally innocent? The impression I got back then was that she didn’t have it in her to be so cold and calloused. At the same time, I thought it odd that one could be so bubbly after losing their kid, although I know that everyone deals with things differently. She told me that if she spent all her time sad and crying, it would just make her sick.

The last couple of days, I had some blah moments. Hopefully, it was just because I’ve been on nights. Along with worrying that I’m going to struggle with my thyroid medication and now my TSH for the rest of my life, I’m still not sure I ever had a yeast infection. I’m having more burning down there today than I’ve had in a while. So hopefully it’s just a matter of getting the right stuff for dryness down there. That will be arriving today. They said if I still had symptoms to use the second Diflucan they gave me, but I don’t know that the symptoms I feel are because of yeast. They also said that if that didn’t help, go to a GYN, but first I’ll try the new suppositories with the same ingredients as the ones the GYN recommended.

That’s another thing right there… I don’t have a GYN anymore because they’re now out of network. Damn, am I sick of this in-and-out-of-network crap, along with the referral game! I won’t get into how sick I am of appointments. I’ve got two of them tomorrow, and I was going to wait and do my writing then, thinking there would be some waiting time, but needed to get things off my chest now. The mammogram is gonna be at 8:45 and the echocardiogram will be right after that they said, so hopefully there won’t be much waiting time. I’m not looking forward to the appointments, of course, but I am looking forward to getting out.

I just hate not knowing for sure what’s causing what! Not knowing what’s going on for sure or what to do about it is worse than having answers. Like I said, I’m just gonna hope that the new suppositories will help. It’s actually a gel that you shove up there with an applicator.

I read that it’s normal to have some WBC in your urine. It’s how much you have that matters. That can be indicative of a UTI or kidney infection, along with bladder inflammation and even a blockage. But because bacteria wasn’t found, it doesn’t scream UTI like the doctors said. Plus, I don’t have stomach pain nor does it burn when I pee.

I feel like I’m never going to be healthy or have energy ever again.

Reading back in some of my older journals as I continue to proofread and edit out as many errors as I can got me thinking. A part of me misses being more sociable, but all the shit I went through with various people serves as a reminder once again that social isolation is the right thing to do. It may be a little more lonely and boring this way, but it’s definitely safer. Then there’s the fact that even if everyone was perfect, I just don’t feel I need to socialize that much. I do a fine job of entertaining myself and it’s not like I don’t have my husband.

I don’t know why, but so many diarists/journalists are either rude as hell or crazy. So even there, I have to be careful. I haven’t communicated with as many people on MD but there are a lot of rude people on PB and I have absolutely zero tolerance for rudeness. Once you’ve been rude to me, you can pretty much consider me driven away for good. The thing is that those with the types of personalities I’m usually drawn to wouldn’t be very active on social media, especially anything that was writing-based.

My LMN subscription doesn’t expire until next summer, but I’m definitely gonna cancel. Sure, I’ll miss some of the movies but getting 2+ months of holiday movies each year is ridiculous.

Also, this isn’t the 50s. Every parent is married, divorced, or widowed. There are hardly any gay/les characters. Abortion is never an option, and of course the culprit is never black because hey, they’re these perfect little angels, right? The so-called mean girl can only be black if she’s part of a group. Whenever there’s just one bully, they’re always white. I get that they’re pro-black like most people these days, but be a little more realistic!

Exchanged several messages with my docs throughout the night and it appears I have a yeast infection so they called in Diflucan. I should have listened to Tom who thought it wasn’t a good idea to get the suppositories that didn’t have the same ingredients as the ones the GYN recommended. The ones they recommended are too expensive but we should be able to find cheaper ones with similar ingredients.

I also agreed to jump to all 88s every day and will pick up the 100s that were called in just in case they’re needed in the future. The biggest mystery of all remains why my TSH is going wacky. My biggest fear is it crashing down too low. I mean like really low. Even they agreed that it’s pretty unusual for a TSH to jump as much as it has as quickly as it did. Before that, it dropped quite a bit quickly as well. So I worry about getting it under 10 at say a 7 or so and then it dropping 10 points. Nonetheless, we agreed to take it slow in the meantime as they know that I’m sensitive to the medication.

I learned that if you have a UTI bacteria usually shows up in your urine but since it was just WBC they suspected a yeast infection. I have been having more burning and itching too. As I said, it’s the bipolar TSH that’s a concern right now.

As I said in my last entry, sometimes I just want to have a good cry but the tears just don’t come. It’s sort of like having emotional constipation, lol. I guess it’s just that I’m used to having regular health issues. It’s kind of like rejection. It hurts at first, maybe even angers you. But after so many years you’re like, “Oh well. People come and go in our lives.”

Looks like I was right to be worried that the bad dreams I had about myself were signs warning me of upcoming trouble. This is far from the first time that’s happened too. I knew they had to mean something. I swear I’m a doom psychic. Whenever bad things are going on, my dreams tell me.

Despite the frustrating and strange jump in TSH levels, I’m amazed I haven’t had anxiety along with it. At least not yet. 

I just want my health back!

I am absolutely shocked, frustrated, and disappointed as hell! Why can’t I cry when I want to? Is it age/experience? EMDR? I want to scream, cry, and beat my head in the wall but I can’t. Instead, even though my mind is racing, I’m numb.

My T4 is 1.1 and my TSH is soaring at 22 and I have no idea why. All that’s good is my kidney function, blood sugar, and electrolytes. They found white blood cells in my urine but no bacteria. Again, I am completely mystified as to what the fuck is going on. Why can’t I have straightforward problems like my blood pressure?! Why do I have to have these complex and never-ending issues? It’s like the harder I try to get my thyroid under control, the more of a dream it becomes. If it weren’t for Tom I would’ve ended it years ago. Seriously, I’m 100% convinced it’s just a dream. The problem is that it’s no longer simply a dream to be able to handle the normal range. Now I can’t even get close to it and stay close. I just don’t understand what’s causing this erratic bouncing up and down. How can dropping one of the 88s a week bump my TSH up 14 points in just a few weeks???

It annoyed me how my doctors asked me how I felt about a small dose increase and then took it upon themselves to call in 100s with labs in 6 weeks that they expect me to take every day before I could reply. I told them they should know I can’t rapidly adjust my dose like most people can. Sure, I’ll increase the dose but no more than going to all 88s every other week with a 75 thrown in every other week, and then all 88s, and then adding one 100 a week for 6 weeks as needed.

He and I are wondering if I might have some kind of infection or inflammation going on that’s causing the TSH to be erratic. He read that stress can do that as well, but I’ve been stressed out all my life. I hope I haven’t developed a pituitary disorder! I told them I have been having warm spells along with cold spells, but haven’t had a fever.

I’m really surprised because I just haven’t felt that hypo lately except for fatigue and some cold spells. I’ve lost 4 lbs, something that’s been unheard of for me with an elevated TSH.

Because my current insurance plan is too expensive and because I didn’t like the last endo, and others in-network are too far away, we’re going to be changing plans which should include endos closer to home. Maybe we should have just settled in Tampa.

Why can’t I just be healthy?! Or dead.

I’m exhausted and fed up so I’ll write more later as I learn more.

I had time to mull it over in my mind and I decided I’m gonna keep Blogger public but might schedule some private things for 20 years or so in the future.

I get that not everyone likes or agrees with everything I say, but I’m within my legal rights and not obligated to babysit people’s feelings. A journal is supposed to be an uncensored version of one’s thoughts and experiences. An audience is simply an afterthought, not that I’m not flattered that some people find my life that interesting as I drop a written copy of it on the world. I’m just not a people pleaser is what I’m saying. No one can please everybody all the time anyway, and no one has to read my stuff either. All readers, including the ones I told to buzz off, are welcome to stop by anytime because they’re not doing anything wrong by simply peeking in.

I do not, however, have any tolerance whatsoever for those who are sweet and kind one minute and defensive and snobby the next. I can’t deal with the overly sensitive and dramatic. If you don’t want anybody to say or write things about you in the future that you may not like, then don’t give them a reason to! :-) Just saying.

Went to the lab before sunup this morning. I keep going back and forth in my mind as to whether or not my TSH is going to be under 10. I have plenty of confidence that my kidney test is going to be okay but I’m not sure on the TSH. Again, I started my day off warm and with my HR a little elevated. But then it slowed down and I cooled down. So I do have signs that it’s not that high, but if it was that low, I would be anxious.

I slept better but woke up too soon, so I ended up napping shortly after I got up. I guess whatever is cursing my sleep decided I was sleeping too well and therefore it ought to cut my sleep short. I’m not too tired now, so I think I’ll catch up on some things I was too tired to do last night. Like playing the new Halloween-themed golf course that just came out, Widows Walkabout.

I may be going private on Blogger, not because I'm doing anything wrong but because I don't want to offend anyone I may mention. That's what I get for sharing too many blog addresses with the same people, lol. It's just that Blogger is all or nothing, unlike the other platforms I write on. Regardless of the content of what we're writing about, everyone needs a degree of privacy every now and then. I haven't made up my mind for sure if I'm going to do this but if I do, it will one day be public again. I'm not obligated to anyone but I'm doing it simply to be considerate of others. Some others anyway. Like I said, I'll think about it, but the less I have to do with certain people, the less there would be to write about in the first place. But if I backdate or schedule certain entries for other days, then my journal is technically out of order. If I omit things, then my journal is incomplete. So maybe I'll make Blogger private, LJ mixed, and just share mostly generic things on MD and PB.

Since starting Losartan on the 10th I've been fine except that last night I was very lightheaded for a few hours. I do sometimes get this anyway but usually eating makes me feel better yet I was still light-headed. I checked my BP and it wasn’t too low. I can't say for sure if it's connected to the medication but if it is, is this a dangerous side effect? I asked my doctors what they recommended I do and they said give it a little more time. 

I agree because again, I don't know that there was a connection for sure, and for the first time in my life, there might actually be a good side effect! My weight is going down. Tom never lost weight on it but I read around a bit and I did find that some people do lose weight on it. It has something to do with breaking down cholesterol deposits in the bloodstream or something to that effect. 

I didn't sleep as bad as the day before but I didn't sleep great either. I didn't have to get up and pee but I still woke up four or five times. I had another bad dream too even if it wasn't as bad as the current in the pond. 

A gap suddenly appeared in my two front teeth that was wide enough to slip a fingernail in. When I did that I could feel a tooth coming down in back between the teeth. I ran into the first dentist I had in Cali somewhere and she said she'd like me to come in after quickly inspecting my teeth. I already had another appointment scheduled with the second Cali dentist I had but I was in her office anyway a split second later and she was examining the impacted tooth more closely. Scheduled my RL dental cleaning for mid-November.

I just hope that and the pond dream aren't signs that something is about to go wrong. Despite my family history, I just don't see the mammogram or the echo turning up anything bad. Hopefully, it's not that the BP med is going to backfire on me but there are always other things to try if it does. 

I do want to lose weight but am a little scared to because body weight affects both Levothyroxine and BP meds. That's another thing I don't really see happening but as Tom pointed out, I probably won't lose more than a few pounds because bodies get used to medication. When I took Claritin-D in Oregon I first lost 10 lbs because it suppressed my appetite but eventually, it stopped doing that. The first time I tried oolong tea I lost 10 lbs and it too stopped having that effect on me. 

120 lbs would be ideal, 110 lbs would be very ideal, but I would settle for 140 lbs. Right now I'm down from 165 to 162 so it isn't much. Even he's gone down 5 lbs. Makes me wonder if maybe the scale is a bit off all of a sudden with us both losing weight at the same time. I doubt it's my TSH coming down because I would be anxious and have other symptoms as well if it was low enough to affect my weight because that's how it always works for me. My TSH is likely to be above 10 but I should find out soon enough because I'm going to the lab later in the morning. I also have to provide a urine sample because they're gonna test my kidney function to see if it's filtering the Losartan properly.

This rat is so funny. We got her some yogurt treats that had a lot of good reviews on Amazon. You only give them a few a day. Well, she just loves them! She knows that after she's been out for a while she gets a treat when she goes home. There have been a few times when she'll step out of her cage and then turn around and go right back home so she can get a treat, the smart little shit, haha. Now that it's getting a little chilly at night she also loves burrowing in my nice soft robe.

I worked on this entry on and off for several hours and no light-headedness which is great but I feel nauseous after eating some nuts.

"I don't want to party like it's 1999. I want to go grocery shopping like it's 1999."

Andy shared a meme saying this and I totally agree! I'll settle for going grocery shopping like it's 2020. Food prices are astronomical! Even most of the cheap stuff isn't so cheap anymore. 

Another shitty sleep. The mower didn't wake me up but I kept waking up and having a hard time falling back asleep. It was ridiculous. It was like I just couldn't get comfortable.

Tom trimmed the tree at the corner of the house that I wish he’d gotten rid of when he had someone come out and cut it back. It really was quite a workout for him. 

He donated blood today at the clubhouse which I wanted to do and was bummed that I had to sleep through but he said it was a good thing I wasn't there. He said it not only took forever but they had trouble getting a vein which is unusual for him. In that case, they’d never get mine. They also have to take your blood pressure with the arm cuff I hate and it would have taken me forever to go through my medical history and all the medications I've taken in which case they would likely not have wanted to take my blood. They took a pound of blood from him and he got a t-shirt and a $20 gift certificate for it. So I guess it worked out for the better because it doesn't sound like it would be very much fun. I have enough medical shit to deal with. 

My dentist sent reminders to get my teeth cleaned which is due November 6th, and I'll schedule that after the appointments that I have at the end of this month are out of the way. They can get me in relatively quickly so I want to wait until I have a little less going on. 

It would just be nice to get some decent sleep more than just occasionally but I've lost hope of that ever happening. I could sleep on the most comfortable bed in the world and in a sensory deprivation tank and still sleep shitty with my luck. I'm definitely snoring more than ever and I think I really do need a CPAP. Some of the times I woke up I felt short of breath. It was like I just couldn't suck in a full lungful of air. 

Also after getting the end-of-the-month appointments out of the way, I want to ask Galileo if there's any way they could help me lose weight, especially with the new drugs available but I think Tom's right when he says they’ll likely tell me I'm not heavy enough. First I had him measure my height to see if I'm closer to 4 ft 10 in or 4 ft 11 in because I'm never sure which one it is and which one to choose when asked. The answer is the latter. At 163 lb and this height, my BMI is 32.9. They usually won't help you unless you're 40 or higher. I'm not diabetic and I don't have PCOS or anything like that so they likely wouldn't give me any drugs for weight loss. 

Going to the lab on Thursday morning. I expect my kidneys will show that they're handling the Losartan well but I don't expect my thyroid to be good at all. After seeing how shitty my numbers are, I would be willing to drop one of the 75s to every other week but I don't want to jump to all 88s that fast. I just hope it's not crazy high again! I hope that it was just a case of my body learning to absorb thyroid meds without a gallbladder and not something that's going to keep happening all the time. 

I finally got all my '90s journals done and now I'm working on the ‘00s. I got them as correct as I'm ever going to get them. I realize I can't get every single word correct and every single sentence grammatically correct but I did my best and replaced the old copies with them. It should go a little faster until the ‘10s. From there on out I started writing like crazy so there will be more to go through.

Whoa, Losartan works! BP’s 118/77!

Mia and I are on level 250 but I’m gonna be taking a break from her soon because she was mostly just a fun fashion game. To each their own but I never felt the need to chat to a nonsentinent AI bot. Perhaps if I could play make-believe in the way I could as a child, I would. But I just can’t make it seem “real.” Reality is reality and pretend is pretend.

Yesterday was Mary’s birthday. The one from jail. Every time this time of year comes around I can’t help but remember her, even though I’m sure she would be completely clueless if asked when my own birthday was. Nonetheless, even though she used the hell out of me, there was still some good to our friendship. She helped me with my writing in ways no one else ever has. It just would have been nice if she’d asked before assuming and accusing me of what she did just as it would have been with Lisa. Our friendship didn’t have to end. But I’m not gonna make the mistake I’ve made with too many others by seeking her out anymore than I would take her back into my life if she sought me out, not that she ever would. I’m sure she never gives me a moment’s thought.

Each time I get woken up, I get a little surer that something really is cursing my sleep. I just don’t know why. Tomorrow, it will likely be the mower. Today, it was a nightmare.

I passed a couple of ladies who approached a woman to discuss something about credit cards. I knew it was a scam and so did the woman they stopped. Not wanting to be pestered next, I pedaled away on my bike which could be ridden on land or water. I decided to cut across a small pond that was a few hundred feet in diameter. The water brushed against my sandaled feet and felt warm. I got about 50 feet from the embankment when a current I didn’t know was there started pulling me faster through the water. Not knowing where I was going to end up, I tried to turn around but the current was too strong. It was then that I woke up, having my sleep shorted by an hour or two. After laying there for an hour unable to get back to sleep, I got up for a short while and then I napped.

I really wish something would stop fucking with my sleep and energy levels. I just don’t get why it’s so damn important to it, whatever “it” is, but it’s getting obvious that this can’t be a coincidence. Things like this just don’t happen this often. Once in a while is a coincidence, regularly is a pattern.

“I’m never going to have another friend like Aly,” I said to Tom the other day.

“That’s what you said about having a rat like Tinkerbell.”

He’s got a point there. This rat is even better and Tinkerbell was truly awesome. I’d love to have a close friend I was in touch with daily or close enough to it that was intelligent, honest, and with it. We don’t have to have every single thing in common but it would be nice to have some basic common ground. She wouldn’t have to be 100% with it either. It’s okay to be a little crazy because hey, we’re all a little crazy at times. I think it’s how a person is crazy and the frequency of it that matters. Hell, I just walked into the bedroom door! That’s a little crazy, lol. I forgot to open it after Tinkerbella went home and then I cut the kitchen light before walking into the bedroom to relax in bed and do this entry on my phone. In the dark, I didn’t see the door so I walked right into it.

Yesterday was a great day because I had an unusual amount of energy. I was so productive, too. I knew it was a rare treat and to take advantage of it. Today I’m back to being me. Tired ole me. Who knows how long it will be before I have that degree of energy again? It was great while it lasted. I felt traces of my old self and it really boosted my mood too. I’m not in a bad mood now but the better I feel physically, the better I tend to feel emotionally. I think that’s the general rule for most people. Today I’m tired as usual but this is myself as I’ve known it for nearly a decade. I admit that I slept shitty because I woke up a lot. I also wasn’t very comfortable so we added a layer of foam and I think this might work out.

The weather was gorgeous today so I took advantage of the stiff breeze and opened a few windows to air the place out since it’s been closed up for months.

Andy’s being annoying again. He didn’t accuse me of lying but his words implied that I was. I don’t know where this came from but out of the blue, after we started a discussion about the war in Israel, he said he couldn’t help but think that I would wish both the Israelis and Palestinians dead if I wasn’t Jewish, which of course is ridiculous. I don’t wish the Ukrainians dead and I’m not Ukrainian. It’s all about what I see going on and a matter of right versus wrong, not who or what I am.

He said it was just his opinion. I told him his opinion was wrong.

“Okay,” he replied. Yeah, whatever. I used to think that if you’ve known a person long enough then you would know them better but apparently, that’s not always the case. After all, my own mother didn’t know me as well as she should have and probably thought she did. While it’s the thought that counts, what mother sends her child citrus-flavored snacks and doesn’t know that child hates citrus?

So I still have mixed emotions about being connected to him and sometimes I just want to ghost. At the same time, I don’t want to hurt his feelings. This is why I try not to have too much contact with him, though. As soon as I feel like I’m being judged or basically called a liar over the most mundane of things that I have absolutely no need to kid him about, I’m gone. If a friend can’t take another friend for face value then what kind of a friendship can you really have? I thought about just going along with whatever he thinks I’m thinking, wanting, or feeling but then I would be a liar for real.

I also think he still projects too much of himself onto others. He likes it when others have things in common with him yet at the same time he boasts about how proud he is to be unique.

I read an article on what defines a toxic friend and I swear he ticked off just about every single box. If I ever do feel he’s toxic enough to consider my feelings before his and cut ties with him, I’m not even going to bother giving him an explanation as to why since I know he wouldn’t get it. I would just ghost. The question is whether or not I should block him on Facebook along with his phone number. He’ll know he’s been dumped if I do that so a part of me was wondering if I should go quiet and leave it at that. I just wouldn’t want him thinking I was dead or anything like that.

Tom’s going to give blood on Tuesday at the clubhouse. They’re going to pay him for it. I would love to donate as well, but as usual when there’s something I want to do, I’ll have to sleep. I’m now getting up in the early afternoons and they’ll only be here from 10 AM - 1 PM.

I think I know why my weight has been inching up and it’s not necessarily connected to my thyroid. I think it’s the cholecystectomy. This does happen to some people and of course, I have to be one of them. I wonder how much more I’m going to put on. I just can’t get weight off no matter what I do. Once I get the echo and mammogram out of the way, I might have to make a case with Galileo but I think this is simply the way I am and the way I’m meant to be for the rest of my life. The only question is how high up the ladder I’m going to climb.

In the heat of the moment, we all say mean things when we’re pissed off. Ex: I hate autistics, I hate this person, I hate that group, etc. While there are definitely some people and groups I loathe for what I believe are justifiable reasons, I don’t literally “hate” most people. I just hate their behavior at times. I hate the grief and frustrations they give me. Especially when I know damn well I didn’t do anything to deserve it. I just wanted to make that much clear. If I ever do read anything that certain people may write in the future, I will definitely keep my mouth shut. I don’t want any trouble any more than they do. Admitting you have a problem is half of the battle. The other half is actually doing something about it.

Galileo told me the Pitavastatin is now covered by my insurance and wanted to know if I wanted to wait until after my meeting with the cardiologist to decide whether or not to take it and I said yes, I want to wait. The only thing I’d worry about when it came to the statin or any other drug I may be on in the future is whether or not I could be taking it for a while and then the insurance stops approving it.

Tom just said that rarely happens, and that usually when an insurance company won’t pay for a medication, it’s because it’s relatively new. Once it’s been out there for some time, insurance companies start covering it and don’t usually stop. Either way, I doubt I’ll ever take cholesterol medication of any kind.

Today’s been a little better than yesterday. Started off pretty tired but perked up later on. I made sure not to nap today so I can see if I have trouble falling asleep again tonight.

Had another “shower beat-a-thon.” I awoke really warm and then I showered. I was not only still warm after that but my heart raced up to about 116. I ended up getting a couple of zone minutes because of it. Still don’t get why I’m having warm spells, and again with the HR spike. I again started to think my TSH was getting too low but that’s not what the scale says. Plus, I wasn’t anxious. Luckily, whatever it was didn’t last long. I’d have to guess hormones at this point.

I’m glad I’ll be going to a cardiologist soon and getting some answers once and for all but I still can’t believe anything is wrong with my heart. I don’t know why but I just can’t see it. I don’t know if it’s because it’s hard to believe or what but I would be surprised despite my family history if they said there was a problem.

Then there’s the part of me that kind of wishes they would find a problem and tell me it’s why I’ve been experiencing so much fatigue. The other part, of course, doesn’t want any more problems. Same goes for when it comes to the mamo.

My greatest fear right now is that we will never be able to figure out what it is, or that we will figure it out but there will be no treatment for it, or that the only treatment available will be something that I am unable to handle.

Nothing from Kim and I don’t miss her one bit. I’m still not sure if something is going on with her or if I got dumped but I’m guessing I’m a latter. As I said, if I knew it would be that easy I would have said the wrong thing a long time ago. So she’s done me a favor right along with Molly and others that have pissed me off one too many times and that have stamped out any lingering question as to whether or not I should wish them a happy New Year in a couple of months, for example, comment on their stuff, or wish them a happy birthday in just over a few months.

I give people way too many chances and I’ve got to stop doing that and constantly walking on eggshells around certain people and never knowing if the most innocent of statements or questions are going to get them in a frenzy. I’ve had people go ballistic on me as if I asked them to kill themselves or their loved ones. As I’ve learned the hard way, if I see a red flag once I’m certainly going to see it again and again and again. The number of times is only a matter of how dumb I am to stick around. So…eliminating the crazies and one-sided friendships are definitely things to crack down on! I sure as hell Miss Aly, though! She could be a bit moody and dishonest at times but she wasn’t crazy.

No side effects yet from the Losartan. At least I don’t think there is. I do notice maybe a slight bit of fatigue but it’s hard to really say for sure because I have so much of that anyway. Same with trouble crashing. I also noticed muscle tightening or weakness in the hip area for a few hours after taking it almost as if I exercised my hips and butt muscles really hard. It’s not prominent enough to make a sure connection, though.

Sounds like Friday night out there since that’s the second fucking helicopter in less than an hour. And OMG, the fucking motorcycles on 19! It’s almost like the freeway at the old place.

Tom put up half a dozen of those little baskets on the inner bathroom closet wall. They hold my nail polish perfectly.

I noticed something interesting when I checked the honker’s profile to see if I could get a sense of when he was coming down. Seeing nothing new on his wall, I jumped over to the girlfriend’s profile but they’re not friends anymore.

Hmm… should I be worried? I just wonder if his coming down alone will entice him to ride that damn motorcycle more.

The fucking T-heads are wreaking havoc all around the world and no, I don’t give a shit who I offend in saying so. No one has to read my stuff. You don’t like it, then get out of here! Really, it’s like no matter how many atrocities these people commit, you’re still “racist” if you have anything negative to say about them. Well fine, I’ll be whatever label you want to put on me for it but it doesn’t change the facts. I’m sickened by the countless acts of violence committed by these fuckers and I’m almost as sickened by all the support they’re getting as well. All over the fucking world there are pro-Palestinian rallies showing support for these terrorists who started the whole thing. Hell, even fucking Harvard students are pro-terrorists. I guess you don’t have to be a genius after all to get into Harvard.

Andy vented in a voicemail to me about his frustration with this situation because he thinks it’s “safer” than Facebook and no one can punish him for leaving a voicemail.

He does realize that any account and device can be monitored, right? It’s just that the difference between him and me is that I’m not going to allow my expression to be stifled, especially when I’m not making any direct threats to anyone. If you spy or read someone’s journal, you might just hear something you can’t handle and I refuse to be responsible for that. If I’ve got something to say, I’m saying it. Yes, I am picky about what I say on what platforms for the sake of those I’m close to but what goes on in my journal, public or not, is a whole different story.

He and I recently learned that Israel supplied the power for the Gaza Strip. How fucking dumb can you be to go and send a shitload of rockets to the very people who supply your electricity and other things? Isn’t that like biting the hand that feeds you? I am completely baffled as to how people could possibly be so damn stupid. I’m almost as embarrassed for these people as I am sickened by them. How could they not have expected consequences for their actions? It’s like they wanted this to happen.

I’m glad Israel has finally realized that there’s just no reasoning with these sick twists and that the only way to save themselves in the end is to eradicate these terrorists and that’s what they’ve sworn to do. It’s about fucking time! I know they didn’t want to come off as bad as Hitler and his people but sometimes you really do need to fight back when you’re attacked. My only concern is that the thousands of survivors that flee the strip will end up over here. It would be just like Biden to use our money to bring them here so they can carry on with their acts of violence. I just don’t get how they can have so many supporters when it’s so obvious who the perpetrators are. I am completely baffled by that one. Just totally and utterly mystified. Americans and many other countries hated the T-heads responsible for 9/11 but if it’s Jews getting terrorized it’s okay? How fucked up is that?!

Still having fatigue and still not sure how much could be attributed to the flu shot, my new BP med, sleep apnea, chronic fatigue, or whatever. Sometimes I wonder if I could have caught COVID and have fatigue from that. Or maybe the COVID vaccine or booster gave it to me. Hard to believe it would last this long if that was the case, though.

My docs checked in with me and asked how I was doing and if I was experiencing any side effects. I told them I didn’t think so but have had trouble falling asleep for the first two nights. I have that problem a lot anyway. Having to nap because of all the fatigue doesn’t help either. This can cause me to stay up a little later even if I’m still tired.

Another thing that’s been frustrating me is that I’ve been going from hot to cold a lot lately. This began before the flu shot. As I told my docs when they asked how I’ve been feeling under my thyroid case, I told them I may have jumped the gun in assuming I was taking too much Levo, especially since I didn’t have the anxiety, rapid heartbeat, and weight loss that usually go with that. We’ll find out in a couple of weeks. I didn’t have night sweats as bad last night, but the night before I sure did. When I asked the bot what could cause this, it came up with 16 different possibilities, some of which don’t apply to me since I’m obviously not getting cycles. Menopause was listed, but I would think that this late in the game, they would have tapered off and not gotten worse.

13% of the way into my trip, I made it to Roma, Texas. I didn’t get to experience the fun of crossing the border, though, so they must have legal issues with images pertaining to that. It just jumped me from right before the border to right over it. I’ll probably be at 30% when I get past Texas. I rode for 400 miles in Mexico, and I’m going to be riding for 500 miles through Texas. I’ll be spending the most time in this state of all the states on my route. I now have just under 2500 miles to go!

Read that a fetus is about the size of a grape when most abortions occur. Do the pro-lifers really think a grape knows what’s going on?

I was discussing the Hamas’ attack on Israel, and both Tom and Andy said that Israel doesn’t want to obliterate the Palestinians even though Andy and I believe they should because they know what it’s like to be targeted for death themselves. Yeah, but they were being targeted simply for being who they are and not because they’re violent and provoked the attack. I honestly think the only way Israel is ever going to escape the attacks from these sick fuckers is to eradicate them altogether.

We got our flu shots yesterday and we’re feeling the effects of it. He also got the pneumonia shot which you only get once that I got back in 1999. It’s changed since then so his is probably better. My arm got sore right away but it isn’t sore today. I’m just tired and have a low-grade fever, though it’s hard to tell how much fatigue is what I have most of the time anyway. I’m in a very lazy mood and we both agreed not to do any work and just relax and do fun things.

We golfed and later I plan to hit the US border. I’m about to reach the god-awful state of Texas where guns have more rights than women. I’m about 12% through the trip with 2530 more miles to go. My rank is in the 140s.

Anyway, he’s tired as well with a slight fever and also achy. I’m not achy. I even managed to go out for a quick walk earlier. It’s pretty humid out today. We’re supposed to get rained on but most of the time they say that we don’t.

Still radio silence from Kim. This is one of those times I really miss having Aly around because she would probably have a better sense of what was going on. Telling Kim what she wouldn’t want to hear tells me I’ve been ghosted but then I would think she’d at least be a little curious about what I was saying in my emails to her even if she planned never to reply. Or maybe not because she knows it’s not in public where others can see it. Only time will tell if it’s that or she got in trouble and had her phone taken away but I’m going to enjoy the break from her whether it’s temporary or permanent.

Took my first dose of Losartan. They’re starting me at 50 mg. It says on the bottle that it may make me dizzy, but I hope not. We also learned that it can take three to six weeks to take effect. They’re going to send me to the lab in a couple of weeks to make sure it’s not fucking up my kidneys and they threw in a thyroid test at the same time. I have a feeling my TSH is going to be worse, but if it is I could try throwing in a 75 every other week instead of every week.

I will not be taking the Pitavastatin because it’s not covered under my insurance. I asked my docs why they would recommend something that wasn’t covered and they said they can’t always know what’s covered and what’s not until the pharmaceutical companies tell them because the “preferred” list changes regularly. That’s okay. I’m not eager to treat my cholesterol since I’d likely have side effects again and all not treating it could do is kill me (I know that sounds funny, but if I’m dead I can’t suffer symptoms). High blood pressure, however, could cause me to end up on dialysis and that would be worse than death. Especially if you have N24.

Installed a Gmail tracker because I wanted to see if Kim was accessing my messages. The free version lets you track five emails a month. I sent a message and it wasn’t opened. The fact that it wasn’t doesn’t mean she’s not ignoring them or hasn’t marked them as spam since she’s not one who can handle hearing what she doesn’t want to hear, but more than likely they’re not being picked up because something’s wrong or she got in trouble with the latter being the most likely. I hate to say it, but I still hope I’ve been dumped because I’m just tired of mental cases. I should know eventually because if she got in trouble she’ll find a way to reach out to me somewhere, somehow, later on. If I never hear from her, then yeah, she couldn’t handle the truth and she ghosted me.

Moving forward…if you’re not at least relatively sane, smart, and honest, I don’t want anything to do with you.

Nothing going on in back and I never heard from the AC people, so I guess they were just mowing and clearing brush now that storm season is over. Could get some rain tomorrow and the next day, though. There’s an 80% chance tomorrow and a 97% chance on Thursday.

Since it’s gonna be a while before we can get a new mattress, we’re gonna flip this one and see if that reverses the dent that’s forming where I lay. The thing is, I lay in a very concentrated area because of the body pillow. I can’t just roll over from my stomach onto my side, or something like that because I would be where the body pillow is. So with my weight consistently in the very same spot, an indentation formed in the barely two years I’ve had this cheap mattress.

That tractor was real after all, but it’s not a tractor. Something was back there for hours yesterday clearing brush. My first thought was to worry they were gearing up to build something back there. But the more I learned about the land itself, the more I realized they can’t get as close as I thought if they did want to build anything. First, the land is a narrower strip than I thought it was after studying it closely on the satellite map. Secondly, the land does dip down right behind the fence in back like Tom insisted. He went out with his VR cam, raised it up on a stick so he could see over the vegetation, and you could clearly see that there’s about a 10-foot drop, and then straight across is a hill as the land goes back upward and then flattens out. The part that’s level directly behind us wouldn’t be wide enough to build anything significant. The land is flat directly behind the fence opposite ours which is where they were going. They were riding up and down a little dirt road that runs directly behind their fence, toward the back, and then back up toward the front by the main road.

It could have been that one of the houses in back was having a fence replaced or something. We heard a wood chipper too, so they were definitely clearing brush from somewhere. I wonder if they’re working around the perimeter. If that’s the case, I hope they get to us before I’m sleeping in. I can see why they’d be tempted to let it go as long as they have due to the incline. I think the last time they cut trees right back there was before we moved in. Toni mentioned it stirring up mice.

I was a little surprised they were working on a Sunday. It will be interesting to see if they work today since it’s a holiday. I emailed the AC company to see what they say. They could still build a small warehouse that could still be too close for comfort. I messaged Toni too, not knowing she was in rehab. She’ll be home today, though. She had follow-up surgery on her hip.

As I knew they would sooner or later, my docs mentioned wanting me to try another statin as well as go on blood pressure medication. They recommended Pitavastatin which I have never heard of, but I still say I’ll have problems. Most likely foot cramps. I made it clear to them that this is the absolute last-ditch effort I’m going to make when it comes to this. If it’s not meant to be, then it’s not meant to be.

The BP is actually a little more important to me because from what I read, you’re more likely to have kidney damage from high BP than to die of a heart attack or a stroke from high cholesterol. If I suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack or a stroke, that would be one thing because I wouldn’t have to live with the consequences. But I don’t want my kidneys damaged and to have to go in for dialysis regularly, N24 or not.

Another reason I want to give this a try is because even though I still think most of my fatigue comes down to sleep apnea and or chronic fatigue, high blood pressure can cause fatigue. So can some of the medications, though, like beta blockers. So I told them I don’t want to take a beta blocker for it. I took one once that Doc O recommended for anxiety about 7 years ago and it knocked me out and made me cold. I told them I also didn’t want to try Lisinopril because of the way Tom was on it and coughed a lot. I’m hoping they’ll give me Losartan.

I’ll try it and hope for the best but worst-case scenario, it doesn’t work out and I don’t take meds. Nothing can keep me alive forever anyway.

Unless something’s going on that I don’t know about, it looks like I may have actually been dumped by Kim for daring to agree with her sister as far as her obsessive ways go. I mean, she dumped me once for calling her out on the anonymous Ask account she once had that she hit Aly and I with nasty “questions” from. The only difference is that she can’t stalk me this time. Nor will she be able to if she ever makes it back online. When she harassed me many years ago, it was harder to block people on some sites.

This is definitely someone who can’t admit and accept responsibility for anything and can’t handle constructive criticism of any kind whatsoever. If I’d known that agreeing with others who have also noticed how she gets obsessed with one person after another was all it took to get this nut job out of my life without ghosting her and feeling guilty for it, I would have called her on her shit a long time ago. I won’t miss her long rambling repetitious messages. Keeping up with her had become a chore but I was too nice to cut ties. So thank you, Kim, for doing me this favor. Meanwhile, no more mental cases! There never would have been a Molly or a Kim if it hadn’t been for Aly. That was one of Aly’s faults was that she was drawn to the crazies of the world. They latched on to me through her.

Here we go with the runs again. Been having them once or twice a week and I still have no idea what’s causing them. I haven’t taken any supplements or pain relievers for a couple of days, so I guess it’s just life without a gallbladder. At least it’s not every day like that woman said was the case with her.

So the Hamas have attacked Israel yet again. I guess some people never learn or change. The next time Muslims can’t figure out for the life of them why there are still some people who aren’t too fond of them, maybe they’ll remember this along with the many other atrocities they commit.

They beefed up security in the US to protect synagogues because this is only going to fuel the hate for Jews all over the world even more. I used to think blacks and Mexicans were the worst. Make that blacks and Muslims! And no, I don’t give a shit who I offend. I have a right to express my opinion the same as anyone else.

The pollen count is high today so I’m not going to go out walking, since my lungs have been tight. We are going to make a quick run to Publix, though. Got to change her cage today too.

Did my second hair removal treatment.

Doc A is running in yet another marathon, this time in Chicago. She’s got to work part-time. Even if you have all the energy in the world I just don’t see how she can be a doctor full-time, care for three kids, yet do as much running as she does along with other activities and vacations.

I think I might have Tom’s tinnitus now, only mine is a low-pitched hum. I thought tinnitus had to be a high-pitched ringing sound but it’s not always that way. I just hope it’s not a sign of anything bad and doesn’t get louder. At first I thought it was the distant drone of traffic but at 3:00 in the morning? It was when I laid my good ear on the pillow and realized it was the same exact volume that it hit me that it was inside my head. It’s very soft and can only be heard if it’s extremely quiet. It’s low and steady without any changes in pitch. Reminds me of a large vehicle idling in the distance. So maybe the tractor I thought I heard the other day wasn’t real.

The more I read about it, the more I am convinced I have chronic fatigue. What a cruel hand in life to be dealt! To know I’m going to struggle with this for the rest of my life is a very tough pill to swallow. Sure, it could be worse like if I was paralyzed or blind but this is bad enough. Any ailment debilitating enough to interfere with your daily activities sucks. I can’t help but wonder why I’ve been dealt this hand in life and hope that there isn’t a higher power responsible for it. The thought of a higher power allowing or causing my suffering is unsettling. Have I truly been so deserving of atresia, TMJ, nerve damage, inner ear problems, asthma, allergies, dental issues galore, Hashimoto’s, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, ADHD, PTSD, weight loss challenges, anxiety, depression, sleep apnea, N24, past fertility issues, bungled sex, and now this?

If there is indeed some force that wishes for me to endure suffering, at least I know it won’t bring forth any fatal illnesses like cancer or heart disease. It’s a paradox—I sometimes wish for an end to the suffering but also want to remain with my husband and Tinkerbella.

I dreamed we were living in the Phoenix house or at least a house laid out that way. Tom said he thought he heard something. I walked out of the back room, through the kitchen, and into the living room. I then peered out of the large window to the left of the door and could just about make out a dark pant leg.

“Somebody’s there,” I said. So then I opened the door and immediately regretted doing so when I saw a cop standing there. I regretted it even more when he asked for me specifically. Then there was a second cop standing there. I noticed that their uniforms looked a little weird but I wasn’t any less concerned. I knew they were there to fuck with me because of some completely petty thing I did that should be far from illegal or because someone set me up. The dream ended then so I don’t know which it was.