I am absolutely shocked, frustrated, and disappointed as hell! Why can’t I cry when I want to? Is it age/experience? EMDR? I want to scream, cry, and beat my head in the wall but I can’t. Instead, even though my mind is racing, I’m numb.

My T4 is 1.1 and my TSH is soaring at 22 and I have no idea why. All that’s good is my kidney function, blood sugar, and electrolytes. They found white blood cells in my urine but no bacteria. Again, I am completely mystified as to what the fuck is going on. Why can’t I have straightforward problems like my blood pressure?! Why do I have to have these complex and never-ending issues? It’s like the harder I try to get my thyroid under control, the more of a dream it becomes. If it weren’t for Tom I would’ve ended it years ago. Seriously, I’m 100% convinced it’s just a dream. The problem is that it’s no longer simply a dream to be able to handle the normal range. Now I can’t even get close to it and stay close. I just don’t understand what’s causing this erratic bouncing up and down. How can dropping one of the 88s a week bump my TSH up 14 points in just a few weeks???

It annoyed me how my doctors asked me how I felt about a small dose increase and then took it upon themselves to call in 100s with labs in 6 weeks that they expect me to take every day before I could reply. I told them they should know I can’t rapidly adjust my dose like most people can. Sure, I’ll increase the dose but no more than going to all 88s every other week with a 75 thrown in every other week, and then all 88s, and then adding one 100 a week for 6 weeks as needed.

He and I are wondering if I might have some kind of infection or inflammation going on that’s causing the TSH to be erratic. He read that stress can do that as well, but I’ve been stressed out all my life. I hope I haven’t developed a pituitary disorder! I told them I have been having warm spells along with cold spells, but haven’t had a fever.

I’m really surprised because I just haven’t felt that hypo lately except for fatigue and some cold spells. I’ve lost 4 lbs, something that’s been unheard of for me with an elevated TSH.

Because my current insurance plan is too expensive and because I didn’t like the last endo, and others in-network are too far away, we’re going to be changing plans which should include endos closer to home. Maybe we should have just settled in Tampa.

Why can’t I just be healthy?! Or dead.

I’m exhausted and fed up so I’ll write more later as I learn more.