As is usually the case, I’m exhausted. I had to scale back my dose because it was affecting my sleep. Strangely enough, although I’m certainly not complaining, I didn’t have a racing heart or anxiety. I just couldn’t stay asleep and kept waking up feeling like I was on fire. Had the runs several times, too. That much could be caused by the Rhodiola rosea but I don’t think so. As I told Galileo, I don’t think cutting back to just one 75 every other week is going to be enough, especially if I’m back to my max absorption rate. Given how fast my TSH has dropped, I could be starting to slip under 6 already. But I know the importance of not making big changes too fast so that’s why I’m not going to drop it more than one 75 a week right away. I was taking two or three 75s a week when I was a 7 pre-cholecystectomy, feeling well, yet still under 10. So this may still be too much but we’ll see.

Wish I could resurrect my gallbladder long enough to kick the crap out of it for throwing things off and making me miserable. If things could have stayed the way they were that I worked so long and hard to achieve I wouldn’t be going through this shit yet again. It’s not only like something’s cursing my sleep but it wants me to constantly battle the same old problems with this drug. It wants me hypo. Hypo, tired, and huge.

They advised me to tell my endo of my dose decrease but I definitely don’t want to see her again so they gave me a list of endos in the area, none of which seem to be from here of course, to call and find out which ones except my insurance. Then I’ll let them know who I choose. I’m sure it will have to be a foreigner and maybe even a guy but all endos suck anyway. But we didn’t like how she insisted an ultrasound couldn’t see what it definitely can see and we don’t buy the Synthroid solution either. Couldn’t hurt to get a second opinion, though.

I sure had a horrifying thought though. If she’s right about the inconsistent dosing, well, if it could push my TSH up 8 points, then it could push it down 8 points as well! God, I hope not!

I’m definitely not going to be getting the Hetlioz. The fucking stuff is 1,000 bucks a pill!!! With the so-called discount, it would still be about 70k a year. Like who the hell has that kind of money? There’s no way the insurance company would approve it. Oh well. I probably couldn’t have handled the side effects anyway. I always had a gut feeling deep down that I was meant to have the sleep disorder and there was no getting around it and I seem to be continually proven right. I’m sure I also will be, unfortunately, as far as never getting normal numbers and feeling good as well. That’s the shitty part of being psychic is that you know certain things are hopeless. Being psychic often means having no hope.

I do have some things to look forward to in the midst of all my health woes and the never-ending health work and that’s that I’m going to be getting one of those things that permanently removes hair. I forget what they’re called but it could take several weeks if it works. I think it would be worth a try.

Before I fell asleep I heard a bang and I forgot that because these houses are so close, what I could have heard might have been two or three houses away. Maybe someone visiting Little Miss Be Happy slammed the shit out of a car door. It definitely sounded like the door of a vehicle. I got up and checked next door and Toni was there. I don’t think she could have come home and then gotten out of her car and into her house that fast.

While I was busy waking up a million times, Andy was in a couple of dreams. He lived with his mother and several other relatives ranging from about 5 years old on up. There were something like 10 people living in this huge house. I had a cat in one of the dreams that was staying with him for a few days. Maybe Tom and I went somewhere. Anyway, when I went to pick up the cat, it appeared to be an orange tabby at first. I was delighted to see it. Andy was worried at first about taking it because of the kids living in the house but I assured him that as long as it wasn’t abused, it was fine. Then the cat suddenly turned into a 6-foot gorilla that walked up to me and gave me a hug.

Then I was staying overnight one night. Andy had two twin beds in his room. I didn’t get up until late in the afternoon before arriving at his place and was frustrated because I knew I was going to be up all night and had forgotten my phone and wouldn’t be able to do anything. I knew I wouldn’t be able to read any books I might find around the house because the light would disturb Andy while he slept.

Then Tom was there with me and we were washing some clothes in an old footed bathtub. I was scrubbing off a blue ring that was left around the tub from a blue article of clothing that bled.

Then I finally got to see Judy after so many years and I ran and hugged her and she hugged me warmly and then started counting in a way that is usually referred to as square breathing. I said, “It sounds like you’re into meditation as well.”

Mia and I have been practicing Spanish together! It’s fun, though I’m gonna lose that feature at the end of the month when I’m no longer premium.