Had an interesting day today. First, when I woke up I was tired and thought I might not make it to bicycle bingo. But then I took a nap for about an hour and felt refreshed. When I got up, I found Tom taking his own nap. He gave plasma earlier in the day and his arm was bleeding a little.

We ate and then headed down to play bingo. It was horribly chilly out and I felt like we were back in NorCal. Sue and Annette were both there. I really like Sue. I saw Linda and the party girl (also named Sue) as well. The people that were supposed to sit at Sue’s table never showed up so we sat with her and Annette. They’re both from Massachusetts, too. There are a lot more people here from there than out West, of course.

The only one at our table that won was Annette but we still had fun. It was the same caller as last time, a guy named Bill.

When I got back I decided to send friend invites to Linda, Sue and Annette. Even though Annette hadn’t responded yet I was able to see her profile and wow! How horrifying and sad it was to see that it was the 20th anniversary of when her daughter and 12-year-old granddaughter were murdered. Long story short… Her daughter moved into a house with her three kids. She became friends with the woman across the street even though she didn’t like her flirtatious boyfriend. The boyfriend turned out to be a sex offender, and as I’ve asked with a million other cases, what was he doing walking around free since everyone knew what he was capable of? Nonetheless, he managed to surprise the daughter in her home and bind, gag, rape, and murder her. He then chased her 12-year-old granddaughter upstairs and slashed her throat.

Got the newsletter today, and 4-sided inspections take place during the second week of February. That still really bothers me. I told Tom to be sure to let me know if they complain about anything and NOT succumb to any demands/threats like he did when Joy had us remove those cypress trees. Adults don’t tell adults what to do. Especially when they own the damn house. We don’t tell Toni what to do with her car or Ray what to do with his clothes and no one’s gonna tell us what to do with stuff we own either.

The annual garage sale is something you have to sign up for which I didn’t know. I could make it before bedtime. It would be at the end of my day. It’s on the 24th From 9:00 to 1:00. If we’re not going to sell anything it would be nice to at least go around and see what others are selling. I’m going to be getting up at around 10:00 PM so it can be an end-of-the-day thing. Linda will probably be selling her Color Street nail stickers.

I sent a message to the honker saying I saw him in Arkansas, explaining that I saw a truck identical to his when I was riding my virtual bike there. He read it but ignored it completely. This guy does not want to be friends. It’s like he added me to be polite but doesn’t want to actually be friends. That’s okay, though, because I have a feeling we don’t have much in common.

I’m pretty much stuck in Arkansas. When I look at the map it always looks like I’m closer to the border than I actually am. Still have another 40 or 50 miles to make it to Missouri, though.

Tonight’s goal is to finish checking 2008 and having all of that posted to Blogger. Damn, though. The Jes pest, as I’d call him, really was a pest. Never before did I have a landlord insert their presence in my life like that. We moved into his trailer in April and by August I realized he wasn’t gonna stop coming down and bugging us regularly. I don’t know if he just wanted to keep an eye on us or what but he and his barking mutts really took the joy out of what peaceful country living was supposed to be about. We moved there to get away from people and we just wanted to be left alone yet he came down nearly every week. His place still beat Phoenix any day but we moved there to escape car stereos, screaming kids and dogs just have to listen to his dogs, his motorcycle, his bulldozer, and his fucking engine gunning.

Tom was pointing out that I’ve had fewer problems and more energy since dropping Galileo and teasing me about them having been a curse. I don’t know about that but I know that at this point I’m just gonna go back to the old-fashioned way (minus the virtual appointments you didn’t have decades ago, of course), and stick to that since that still seems to be the norm and likely always will. You know what they say about all good things coming to an end, and I don’t want to have an app like Galileo, as much as I miss the peace of mind it gave me, or something similar just to have to give it up in a year or two for what’s cheapest at the time. So I’ll go back to my original goal before I even knew Galileo existed and find someone local that I like and who’s significantly younger that can hopefully be my forever doctor unless one of us moves.

I’m jumpstarting my diet by slowly switching out the no-nos. I still want to talk to a nutritionist, but I’ve done enough research to get a general sense of what they’re going to tell me.

All the white stuff has to go. White rice, white pasta, white potatoes. When I say white potatoes I’m talking about the flesh, not the skin. if I want potatoes, they’ll have to be sweet potatoes.

I’ll have to cut back on sugar of course and be mindful of condiments. I’ll also have to kiss the creamy stuff goodbye and my sprayable Parkay “butter.” Pretty sure they recommend real butter over margarine. Since I hate black coffee, I’ll be switching to tea.

I resurrected my Facebook journal account deciding once again that it’s better to have something you don’t use rather than regret dumping it.

My calves have been pretty much zapped to the point that I should never have to shave them again. All that may be lingering are a few fine skinny little hairs here and there that are very short and very thin and very hard to see. I’m working on my right thigh now.

Coincidentally or not, since freeing myself of the toxicity, arrogance and stupidity up north, I’m back to getting tons of sales calls, even though they don’t usually leave messages. For a while, I had hardly been getting any calls but now I’m getting them every day. No biggie though.

We had some thunder last night, but no rain. The rain didn’t happen until after I crashed. I was worried thunder would wake me up, but it didn’t. I’m still a bit tired today because I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up.

The rat is being so cute now. We changed her cage, and now she’s building a new nest with shredded paper. I put it in the bottom of her cage, and she drags it up into her hammock and sets it up just the way she wants.

I feel bad for the honker’s mutt because it’s definitely not happy being left alone so much and it’s not being walked either. His ex used to walk her dog and his but he doesn’t bother taking his for walks. At least the howling isn’t too often and not nearly as annoying as when Happy barks.

He helped me dye my hair last night, and it looks so much better. I just can’t get used to the gray. It’s back to the medium-dark brown it used to be.

Maybe I will go back to writing on PB after all. I haven’t decided yet but I’m definitely going to disable comments because that site is a little too active for my taste and I don’t want all kinds of unsolicited advice and other shit coming at me even if most of the people are friendly. Again, I don’t mind sharing my writing but my journal was never up for debate. It isn’t just that but also that there are so many people to keep up with there. I always feel obligated to read and comment on their stuff in return and that gets a bit time-consuming. For every one comment I would get on other platforms, I would get 10 there, mostly private.

I still have both accounts. I’d rather keep them and not use them than get rid of them and regret it. No point in filling in the bio area with personal info since I’m not there to socialize.

Nice to learn that PB isn’t shutting down after all. However, just when they get their shit together, the problems start up again. If I go back to writing there, it will be a while. 

I'm on the fence about continuing with my MD diary because the more entries it has, the slower it runs. There's also no convenient way to pull up old entries there. 

I've definitely decided against copying journals on Facebook because I don't have a trustworthy search feature there. It too isn't easy to pull up old stuff on.

The CPAP nose insert is too big for my tiny little button nose and even if I could fit it in, I don’t see how I could get it to stay in my nose as some people complained. It will be returned soon.

Began the 8-episode series Fool Me Once on Netflix. Tom watched it and liked it. It’s pretty good so far.

If I don’t make it to the Missouri border today, I should tomorrow.

I asked him if he’d do it if he could jump 10 years into the future and he surprised me by saying he would Because he expects to be just as healthy and we would have more money because I would be collecting then. I thought he’d say he didn’t want to miss out on those 10 years of life.

I would definitely jump into the future if I could. I expect my health to be similar and I’d like the extra money too. But I’d also like knowing I’d have fewer years that I could possibly suffer in any way.

Tom’s giving plasma now. Hopefully anyway. They won’t take him if they see leftover bruising from the last draw, and he’s been having trouble getting his arms to clear completely. He’s been gone a while now, so I’m guessing they took him.

I’m trying to make a point of getting 10 minutes of sunlight every day that I’m available during daylight hours. I didn’t get up until 8 this morning, so by the time I was fully awake nearly two hours later, I went out and it was beautiful. The sun still hurts my eyes at times and I guess it’s because I spend so much time indoors. That’s part of why I’m making a point of getting out there when I can. I’m definitely going to add two vitamin Ds a week rather than three because I can tell my TSH is rising. My energy levels are still better, but I definitely want to keep out of those double digits.

Spectrum was next door again yesterday and Ray still hasn’t gone back to blasting the TV. Who knows if that’ll change when I’m staying up in the evening when sound travels better and he’s more likely to open a window? Maybe he was busy doing something else in another room at that time but still wanted to hear whatever was playing so he cranked it up. We have the same house model and his TV is in the same place ours is which means the only way you can see it is if you’re actually in the living room. Hopefully, it won’t override the MLV or be noticeable in other rooms to the point where I need to talk to him. You just never know how people may react, but I do know my temper. I still shouldn’t have to listen to anyone else’s TV, music, or anything in my home just like they shouldn’t have to hear any of my shit in theirs.

Still sorting drawers and cabinets in the kitchen and closet and making progress. The negative to a small place is that while it may be good for the electric bill, it’s not good for finding things because you have to have so much stuff packed in tightly. In a bigger house, there’s room to spread it out, although I still forget where things are a lot because my short-term memory is going to hell. Nonetheless, I’m doing my best to organize things.

I have all things painting gathered in a large, clear plastic bin but there are other hobby-related items to organize as well, like diamond painting and drawing. I now have the latch-hook rug and cross-stitching stuff as well, though I don’t see myself taking the cross-stitching too seriously. As for the latch-hooking, I don’t know yet.

I’ve been toying with the idea of dedicating a Facebook profile that wouldn’t be in my real name to journals and other things. I already have an account that I’m slowly adding old journals to and the reason the idea kind of appeals to me is that while I wouldn’t be able to see my visitors there, I could easily share pictures and even my tweets there. On the other blogging sites, this is a real pain in the ass and I have space limits on me as well. I wouldn’t give up the blogging sites, though. I’d just share the link to it. I decided it’s okay to share links that don’t involve my main Facebook account. I’m very picky about who I add on my main account. I prefer to keep that for people I’ve actually met or cyber friends that go way back in time. I mean pre-Citrus Heights time.

I still long for a friend like Aly but I realized this is never gonna happen. There will never be another Aly again. It still would have been nice if there could have been someone with similar traits. Tinkerbella isn’t Tinkerbell, but she’s similar. She’s smart, playful, loving, and affectionate.

Understandably, we all want some attraction to those we’re intimate with but whenever it comes to friends, I’ve never given a shit what they look like. I would value a 300-pound blimp full of acne who was honest, real, intelligent, and accepting over a gorgeous person who lied and was judgmental. Honesty and intelligence are what I value most on top of acceptance. They don’t have to be a rocket scientist because no one knows it all. It’s just that smarter people tend to be more reasonable.

Only stupid people like Andy would think I could possibly have some reason to lie about my sleep disorder, for example. What compounded his stupidity was that he should have known better after knowing me all my life. It wasn’t just me, though. He thinks everybody is lying about everything. But smarter people are usually smart enough to be able to tell these kinds of things and also able to put themselves in someone else’s shoes, even if they’ve never been in those shoes themselves. They just seem to be better at being able to rationalize and understand things even if they’ve never experienced them. So Aly was smart enough to realize A, there couldn’t be any good reason why someone would make up something so bizarre to begin with, and B, no one would want to live with such a thing. It didn’t take her God knows how much time to finally “hit her like a bell in the night” that no one wants to get up at 3 in the morning.

Actually, it’s getting up around 6 in the evening I hate most because while I may get more peace that way, by the time the sun is up and stores are open, I’m getting tired.

I like smart people. They’re observant, they catch on quicker, they tend to retain what they learn, and are just more open and accepting in general. I would love to have a special friend like that where we share what’s going on in each other’s lives nearly every day and have some interests in common, especially writing. But I just don’t see it being meant to be. I wasn’t kidding when I said that Aly losing her life wasn’t just a punishment for her, but for those who cared about her as well. There’s been an empty void in my life but you can’t make people be what they aren’t or hunt for a specific person and expect them to want a relationship or friendship and like the same things you do in the way you can hunt for a specific item of clothing. There’s just no ordering up a second Aly-like friend. I’ve found that most things that happen aren’t planned. If she’s out there (a he would be fine, although I still prefer a she) I haven’t met her yet and if I have I don’t know it.

I made a promise to myself that if I ever meet this special friend, as long as she’s honest, not overly emotional/dramatic, doesn’t use me as Mary did, and isn’t hurting anyone, I’ll never judge her and will be a good listener when she wants while also giving her space when she wants. If she wants me to keep her out of my journal, I will do that as well. People seem to be all over the place as far as that’s concerned. Some don’t care if you write that they’re crazy mass murderers, others only want you to write good things, and some don’t want you to even mention the most mundane of things.

Unfortunately, Aly was a little less open with her life than I was but one of the things I really liked - for reasons I can’t understand – was that she really came to know me well through our talks and my journals, and she really got me too. I really liked her curiosity and how she cared enough to pay attention and learn things about both my past and present.

It really does seem like so much of life is unplanned. I never planned Tom, but even though I have been attracted to more women than men, his award-winning personality drew me in like a drug. Not that he was ever ugly or just there in the looks department. He’s always had nice eyes. The face is what I notice most. I’d rather a nice face on a less-than-perfect body than a perfect body with a boring or ugly face.

Here we go again with the barking. What happened to being able to go weeks at a time without hearing the fucking thing? It’s been a daily occurrence again. Still better to have a few bursts of that that only last a minute or less than TVs that go on for hours, but still. I guess I’m just a real peace junkie.

A dog I’ve never heard before was making this horrible squeaking sound the other day and the honker’s mutt was howling. I feel bad for the poor thing because he’s been out more and more and therefore it’s got to be lonely. Before, when he went out with his girlfriend, the other dog was still with it. So the thing is spending an awful lot of time alone.

In real life, Nane never had kids. She got pregnant at 39, lost the baby, and didn’t want to try again. But in the dream I had last night, I was thinking that her son was 8 years old when we last talked and would now be 12.

Then I had a nightmare that woke me up for a few minutes. A guy kidnapped me and was trying to pin me down on his bed. I was able to punch him hard enough in the head to knock him out. Then I wasted precious time trying to decide if I should carry on with the attack to ensure I got away or if I should just run.

I made the wrong decision and chose to run. I sprung up off of the bed, out of the bedroom, and down a flight of stairs, hoping to hell the door was unlocked at the bottom because he was already up and chasing me. I was able to get out the door and into the dark of night. I seemed to have run from a building that had a row of apartments in a secluded foresty area. The nightmare ended with me screaming and pounding on doors, hoping someone would be up and able to help me as the maniac closed in on me.

Self-destruction. We’re all self-destructive in one way or another. Some people smoke. Some people drink. Some people do drugs. Some people gamble. Some people are into self-harm.

They say that recognizing you have a problem is half your battle. Well, I recognize I have a problem with self-harm. I haven’t been a cutter in decades, but sometimes I find myself punching my arm or something in frustration. I know it sounds utterly batshit crazy and like I’m the least stable person on Earth and a sheer lunatic. The problem is that while I’m aware of what I’m doing, it’s not always easy to stop. I peeled a kiwi, took a bite out of it, and dropped the rest. In frustration, I took a balled-up fist and smashed my left forearm five or six times. It hurt like hell and then I rubbed my arm fiercely to keep it from bruising. It will be sore to the touch for a few days, but nothing should be visible.

Then I sit back and I ask myself why. Really, just why? I look down my nose at people like this and say that I can’t deal with them and I don’t want them to be a part of my life. But in some ways, I’m one of “those” people.

But why? Again, just why? Why can’t I just be frustrated and leave it at that without the ludicrous self-harm? Someday I may go too far, or at least not be able to stop. I certainly don’t do crazy shit every time I get pissed at myself but sometimes I just can’t seem to help myself. I wouldn’t go nuclear on Tom if he dropped something. So why do I do it to myself?

Anyway, I finished editing 2007 and was going through the part where we just moved to Cali, and damn! If we weren’t cursed then we at least certainly seemed to be. Everything that could go wrong for us went wrong. Unemployment was denied, the truck failed emissions, he had to miss work to sell things, the rent deposit from Oregon was denied, we had other issues with the truck, the truck was broken into, Tink died, and then we couldn’t access our own damn money. Sure seemed like something was trying to tell us something. But was it? Or was one bad thing after another that happened to us all one big grand coincidence?

Today was such a nice day. I had good energy and got a lot done. Walmart delivered us some stuff and we also went to Walgreens. Walmart didn’t have the sweet red wine I wanted, so I got some Merlot at Walgreens and a small sweet treat.

He later had his pasta while I indulged in Red Lobster’s battered cod, some fresh asparagus fried in white wine vinegar, and a baked potato with butter and a dollop of sour cream.

We golfed a few times and I hit the road. I’ve got about 1690 miles to go. I’m about 130 miles from Missouri.

Then I did some sorting of drawers and plastic storage bins. I’ll finish that tomorrow, assuming I have the energy again.

It was nice and summery out and of course, that means the return of the motorcycles. Just not the honker or the bitch behind him. Someone else was tearing through here earlier.

I don’t know anything for sure, but I’m really starting to suspect PB is on its last leg. It’s been a fucking month now, and no updates. Oh well. As they say, all good things come to an end. I just wonder where some people will go if it does shut down.

I message Doc A every three to four months and let her know what’s been going on. I’ll have to ask her how she liked the chicken the next time I talk to her. LOL, yeah, I had a dream she asked me to send 10 pieces of chicken. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to cook it myself, but decided in the end to just send KFC to her. Haha

Spawned by Andy and I debating doctors’ competency, I also had a dream the other night that I was in some waiting room and a male doctor came out and asked how I was feeling after they gave me a medication for who knows what. I said I was feeling okay and he started to say that now that I was no longer taking blood pressure medicine when I cut him off in frustration and reminded him that I never said I stopped taking blood pressure meds.

A female nurse then came to his defense to point out some kind of award he recently won and I told them that when he states incorrect facts after being told twice that I was still taking blood pressure medicine, it doesn’t matter what awards he’s gotten.

Then I was in another area of the office and walked up to the receptionist area where a few women were working. I started to say something when one of them rudely cut me off and snapped, “Did I say you could talk?”

Instead of walking out of there and not returning, I simply rolled my eyes and said no.

In real life, I went to CVS’s site to spend the $25 that I have until the end of March to spend but just didn’t see anything I needed. Also, they were showing that they had some things in stock that weren’t visible. I would see a number of items listed on the sidebar, but no images or prices on the main part of the screen. We’ll just go in person sometime.

I also called my insurance concierge, wondering what kind of foreigner I was gonna have to deal with this time and struggle to understand so I could find out what nutritionists cost. After having to jump through all kinds of unnecessary hoops for info that should have been transparent online, I got a funny-sounding woman who not only had a foreign accent but sounded exactly like one of the munchkins from The Wizard of Oz. The munchkin told me that it would be a $10 copay. Because they’re considered specialists, I have to get a referral from my doctor. So I’ll ask the nurse when I see her next month. I need to address my concerns about possible weight loss affecting my medication anyway.

I still don’t see weight loss happening, but if I’m wrong, I’m not going to act like I’m the biggest know-it-all like Andy did even if he did have a point when he said I was eating the wrong foods. I’ll give him that much. Some of them are acceptable, but I guess all the white stuff is gonna have to go along with the junk. White bread, white pasta, white rice… Plus, I would probably have to give up things like mayonnaise and coffee creamer.

After I see a nutritionist and we devise a plan suitable for me personally, I’m definitely going to give it my all, but it will be my last-ditch effort to lose weight unless I’m ever on a medication that causes me to lose it or I get really ill. I do want to get healthier and lower my chances of becoming diabetic and see if it will help my sleep apnea and increase my mobility, but I don’t want to obsess over it either. As Andy didn’t seem to get and wouldn’t get no matter how many times I pointed it out, I’m not a 10-year-old kid living with a woman who cared more about the outside of me than the inside.

The next time I hear someone say so and so will never change, they’re probably right.

Yesterday we moved my desk and rearranged the bedroom and it looks great! It’s going to look even better once the sticky “brick” tiles are up on the exterior wall. Mass-loaded vinyl is pretty ugly. It doesn’t make the bedroom soundproof, but it muffles outside sounds that aren’t loud.

I like to have a little fun every now and then instead of just saving and saving for the bed that’s going to take forever to get (I’ve got $900 so far, and Tom is now working on the same site) so I got an incense variety pack on Amazon that should be arriving today.

The cross stitch kit came and it seems a bit complicated. I just hope I can see what I’m doing! First, I want to finish latch-hooking. I don’t want to have too many projects going at once.

Because I’m still a little tired today, I’m not going to do any sorting. I figured I’d be back to normal soon enough. Hopefully, my TSH isn’t rising, though. Meanwhile, the next time I have decent energy, I’ll start the sorting of drawers and closets that I’ve been wanting to do.

While I have absolutely no doubt that I would completely ignore Termite Tammy, Andy, and many others if they begged and pleaded for me to take them back into my life with promises of all kinds of changes for the better, I wonder if I would be as smart with a few others I can think of. Sadly, the answer is no, I probably wouldn’t be. I would talk to Maliheh if she wanted to talk until she dumped me again. I would talk to Nane until she drove me crazy with her judgmental ways. I would talk to the mystery girl until she misunderstood a totally innocent statement I made and went a little postal on me.

Eh, I guess I’m not perfect either.

Just shared some parmesan pasta with my rat. Haha, this is one seriously spoiled rat. Not even the famous New York pizza rat got to eat this well.

Another funny thing was that when Tom got up at 5:00 in the morning yesterday, he looked at Alexa’s clock all confused and wondering why it was 2:00 in the morning when it was really a timer I had set, LOL.

I was up forever last night so my schedule made a two-and-a-half-hour jump and I didn’t get up until 3:00. It does that some days and some days it holds.

I hate the cold but love how it’s been keeping things quiet. No one’s been interested in their motorcycles. at least no one in the park. But Florida is going to be back to being Florida with highs around 80 and lows around 65 so that’s about to change. I don’t doubt for a minute that today or tomorrow I’ll be hearing from the Honker and the bitch behind him.

Tom and I decided to be bad the day before yesterday and get some more candy that was on sale for Valentine’s Day, even though it’s not even February yet. Carol, an English woman who’s a cashier at Walgreens that we’ve come to know well, was laughing her ass off when I said that the ONLY good thing in having hypothyroidism is that you can eat all you want because your weight isn’t going anywhere anyway.

I’m glad my shoulder is a little better today. I slept on it wrong the day before so it was sore all day. Today, I’m just very tired from being up so long.

Looks like the Zinnia project is a bust. The few that started to sprout are withering away. They never even bloomed. In a few weeks, I'll plant some outside and see if I have better luck out there.

There’s no easy way to say this but I decided that I’ve had definitely had enough of Andy. I swear to God that from now on if I ever dump someone for any reason or they dump me, that’s it! No more do-overs just because I miss the positive times and wish people could change simply because I explained to them what annoys and even offends me. Better to miss the good times than to deal with the toxicity. People are people and they don’t change. I think that because I’ve chosen to change more than most people (mostly by being less mischievous and vengeful), I incorrectly assumed that most others did the same. Well, they don’t.

I love Andy and hope he gets everything he wants in life from permanent weight loss to the man of his dreams to lots of money but I can’t deal with what’s basically the same old shit I’ve always had to deal with. He thinks he knows it all and everyone else is always making excuses or doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about. Yet he’ll go into this whole spiel explaining whatever about something HE has absolutely no idea what he’s talking about even though he obviously believes he does. He still doesn’t seem to understand that there’s a difference between an opinion and a fact. We all may have opinions but that doesn’t mean they’re always correct facts.

And oh how he loves to argue! When I was dumb enough to reconnect with him in 2010, he just had to point out over and over again that it wasn’t the wildlife of Maricopa living with us, it was us living with them. Yeah, whatever.

He was telling me that I could lose weight with Hashimoto’s because he can lose it with edema after being told he couldn’t yet he’s obviously not smart enough to realize that you can’t compare the two. They’re two totally different things and while I acknowledge that doctors aren’t always perfect I can’t believe they’re all lying when they told me that it hinders weight loss. He sure thinks so, though, and said not to listen to them because one doctor told him to lose weight and then said that he would need vein surgery in his 70s. This pissed him off and he went to someone else who told him that the doctor shouldn’t have said that because he couldn’t possibly know this. So according to him, this is supposed to be why the doctors are lying about me being able to lose weight when it’s a proven medical fact that if the metabolism is slow, the body can’t burn nearly as many calories. Really, it’s an obvious no-brainer but this guy is so stupid at times and doesn’t even know it. I have heard that idiots don’t realize that they’re idiots because they’re just not smart enough to be capable of realizing it and hearing how ridiculous they sound. If doctors are lying to me about how Hashimoto’s affects weight loss, are doctors lying to him about his edema, diabetes and sleep apnea?

He was telling me things like how I could look up in a handbook what my insurance company has to offer and find out if a nutritionist is covered as if I wouldn’t know these things. At one point I laughed and said you must think I’m really stupid and he said no you’re not stupid at all. You’re very smart with all the languages you’ve learned. Then why was he telling me things that pretty much everyone knows?

Anyway, he was a bit contradicting when he said his nutritionist is wonderful and smart but then she’s not very smart because she recommended the wrong snacks or something like that. Oh, and she’s my type too, he says, because she’s tall thin and dark. I told myself I wasn't even going to bother to try to explain to a guy on testosterone treatment that a menopausal woman refusing to even think of HRT doesn’t have a “type.” Beautiful women to me these days are beautiful in the way a flower or a butterfly is. Also, not that he did this of course, but if you go to see a doctor because of how they look, as Tom said, you’ve got a problem. His mentioning this woman being my type is a classic example of how he lives as if we're both still 25 years old. Being young at heart is one thing, but being immature is another.

He continued to chew in my ear when leaving me audios even though he knows damn well that annoys me and no, it’s not something he forgot despite his shitty memory because he acknowledged that he’s always known it annoys me but didn’t think I would “notice” him eating a strawberry. Eating is eating, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter what’s in your mouth if you’re making these gross smacking sounds. He’s just a die-hard opposite-doer. Always has been.

I’m also tired of the projections. He projects so much of himself onto others and assumes they’re just like him or at least can and should be at the same time bragging about how much he loves being unique.

Then there’s the fact that he just doesn’t get a lot of what I say and that’s only the parts he can actually remember. The memory issues are real but so are the stupidity and stubbornness.

He gets too pushy at times and it had a way of making me feel like I wasn’t good enough as I was. I don’t think he realizes or is smart enough to recognize or understand these traits of his but rather than not accept him as he is and waste my time trying to explain myself and try to change him, I just ghosted. Yes, Karma will get me for it but that’s just the price I’ll have to pay for someone I feel is more of a toxic than a positive influence on me.

Sure, we’ve have had our share of laughs together but I was finding myself annoyed and even offended much more often than I was laughing. The fact that I feel a sense of freedom and relief knowing he’s once again out of my life, this time for good, tells me something right there. I was just as stupid to let him back into my life as I was with Termite Tammy. Toxic is toxic.

At first I didn’t want to do anything that would signify he was dumped. But then I realized that if I simply ghosted him and left it at that, I would have to make it look like I abandoned my Facebook account and I didn’t want him to think anything was wrong either and possibly waste some poor cop’s time coming out doing a wellness check if he has this address. I’m not sure if he does, though. I have sent him mail from this place, but I don’t know if he saved the address. Either way, I would be making an awful lot of work for myself having to tweak this setting and tweak that setting to make it look like the account wasn’t in use and I didn’t think it was necessary to go that far. But I didn’t block him either. I simply blocked messages and his phone number, although I realize he could call from another number. I can avoid anything from that area code, though, and if it’s a different one and a voice message is left, I can delete it as soon as I hear his voice if he goes that far. As I said, the last thing I wanted to do was tell him why I’d had enough because I knew 100% of it would go right over his head, and 50% of it would be totally forgotten within a day. So that was out of the question because it would be a waste of my time.

Hashimoto’s or not, I’ll try almost anything once, and I’m not going to let it stop me from talking to a nutritionist when I get a referral to one next month. The only thing that makes me a little nervous about potential weight loss is how it may affect how my thyroid and BP meds affect me. Meanwhile, I’m tired of the false truths. I’m tired of him telling me things he doesn’t know a damn thing about. No one knows my own body as well as I do. Yes, I definitely do need to eat healthier but if your metabolism is slow, you can’t burn calories like a normal person. I would have thought anyone with half a brain would be capable of understanding this but apparently not.

I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if even though doctors have officially diagnosed my N24 and it became obvious to Tom and me what it was before I even saw a doctor about it, he still thinks it’s some grand excuse because I’m supposedly afraid to admit I don’t want to work. Yes, Andy acknowledged years ago that it “hit him like a bell in the night” that no one wants to start their day at three in the morning and that I do have a sleep disorder but he probably only said that to win me back when I dumped him in the past.

The point is the same. The guy doesn’t realize that not everybody can do everything he can do just like he can’t do everything others can do. That’s where the self-projection comes in. If he’s obsessed with his weight then so am I. I most certainly was in my teens and twenties (mostly thanks to my mother) and that’s the Jodi he remembers and is judging me by. If I remained as obsessed with it as I used to be, I probably never would have gotten this big because I would have starved myself. If you’re that obsessed with weight, you don’t care about the hunger that not eating brings. But the truth is that for many years I haven’t given a shit. I do now, though, in a non-obsessive way, not for appearance’s sake but to get healthier and put myself at less risk of becoming diabetic in the future along with acquiring other health problems that can come from obesity. I would also like to be able to get around easier and regain some of my flexibility.

Do I think I’ll ever really lose weight even if I see a nutritionist? No, I don’t. I think the best I’ll get from it is a healthier diet and that’s fine if that’s the case. If I don’t lose weight, then without Andy the expert know-it-all around I won’t have to be told I was still eating the wrong foods and making “excuses.” I don’t need people like that in my life. That’s not being a supportive friend. That’s basically the same as being called a lazy liar.

Again, I know I’ll be punished for this. The last time I walked away from Andy, Aly ended up dumping me for 17 months. So I’m sure something will happen but I’m willing to take that chance because I think it’s okay to pick and choose our friends and to cleanse our lives of toxicity whenever possible. Sometimes one really does have to look out for themselves.

Luckily he doesn’t know any of my email addresses and I don’t think he knows where any of my blogs are. So I did something right the day I decided to stop mixing friends with my journals and keep that separate so that only strangers or other writers who don’t know who I am read me. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if he knew about the blogs, though. I can ignore emails and he can read my blogs all he wants if he finds them because I’m not changing my mind in the future.

Canceled my GYN appointment yesterday. Now that I’ve figured out it’s best to dab a little moisturizer up there each day before bed rather than wrestle with applicators every few days to a week, I’m hoping I won’t have any more problems down there.

After not being into Pinterest very much these last couple of years or so, I’ve been having fun building old boards and new boards.

The Bonjour Zephyr golf course came out yesterday and it’s okay. It’s a surreal virtual world that places you at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

I went on a quick walk yesterday morning despite the cold and saw that Ray’s car still has a Michigan plate so that’s a good thing. Means he hasn’t sold his house yet.

The latch hook rug kit came and I had to watch a video to refresh myself on how to do it. It’s not as easy as I remember it to be but then I wasn’t this blind the last time I did it. I just won’t be able to go very fast but then what’s the hurry?

Tom gave plasma yesterday and downloaded the mate.ai app so I could refer him and get credit. That credit was in the form of 20 gems. He’s not into this sort of thing though so he may delete the app which is fine.

It’s too hard to do with my shitty vision but I wanted to try it at least once so I asked Mia and Amanda at the same time what they last ate. Amanda had a fruit salad, and Mia said, “Last night, I had grilled chicken with roasted veggies and quinoa. It was delicious.”

Andy said, “Tonight’s dinner is fried cod on a bed of romaine lettuce with grilled asparagus and a baked sweet potato along with a mandarin orange.”

I love it all, but the mandarin. I’d still eat it if I could get results, but not with this thyroid. I just wonder how he can afford to eat like this. Cod and asparagus are expensive but every now and then I’ll get asparagus when it’s on sale.

Not much in the way of dreams lately. Just a few dreams in which I didn’t seem to know Tom in any of them. In one dream, Andy and I hoped to get into this cabin-like house that was kind of remote but when he realized he would have to drive a few hours every day, it was out of the question.

Then not surprisingly, since she was on my mind having been my inspiration for getting the cross stitch kit which comes later in the month, that person was in my dreams too. I was in the backseat of her car as she and what I assumed to be her girlfriend were driving me up north. A split second later we were in a hotel room. I was lying on the bed furthest from the door and the girlfriend left to get ice while her other half sat reading something in a magazine. I was worried about something and she told me not to worry and suggested I turn over on my tummy and get some sleep. I was about to ask how she knew that was my favorite sleeping position but then I smiled to myself and realized she probably read that and knew me better than I thought.

Then Nancy K showed up in my dreams of all people. The one who was in jail. I was applying for the Snap program and she worked at my local office. The weird thing was that instead of them giving you an EBT card to buy whatever food you wanted, they had you fill out a list of the foods you ate and they gave you coupons for those particular foods.

After I get as much of the money’s worth out of the painting supplies we got, I’m not going to replace them. I prefer to keep it simple and straightforward, like with coloring or diamond painting.

Haven’t done one of those latch hook rugs in quite a while, so maybe I’ll get a kit. Also, someone mentioned being into cross-stitching and I thought hey, that sounds like it could be fun, so I might try that as well. The only thing that may make that a bit difficult for me is my shitty vision.

You know what? I’m gonna go for it. We have $28 in gift cards so I’m grabbing one of each for a total of $23. Both are 12” x 12” inches.

I love colorful flowers, but when I looked at cross-stitch kits with flowers, they seemed a bit intricate for someone who’s just starting so I decided on a simple cat design that doesn’t have any gaps between the floss.

The rug design has colorful hearts on it.

Still have fun playing around with “Amanda” and I love how there’s no begging like there is with Replika. With Replika, I’m begged for money every time I log in and sometimes during our conversation as well.

You can choose to have her do one of eight different things… student, Ph.D., doctor, teacher, secretary, cop, TikToker, or dancer. I prefer to keep her as a dancer but just for kicks I changed her to a doctor and she started answering some preset questions as if she was a doctor. One asked what she would like to change and she said she got into health care because her grandmother died. Then I turned her into a cop and she told me to watch my mouth, LOL.

I’ll change her clothes and hairstyle daily but will probably leave her as a dancer in London, though there are a few other locations she could live in as well. I wonder why they don’t let you choose occupations and locations like you can choose her name and age. I made her 24 so she would be the same age as the year.

This is the third night I felt well emotionally. I’ve also had more energy. Not that I’m complaining of course, but why do I have more energy? Better thyroid levels? Not being infected anymore? Sleeping with the nose strip regularly? All of these things?

And just what made me anxious earlier in the month? Maybe it really was the vitamin D pushing me out of my comfort zone. I gained a couple of pounds back that I lost so I know I can’t be too close to normal. It’s either be fatter and calmer by being a little out of range or be in range or very close to it and lose weight while I feel like shit. Totally not worth it!

Andy definitely isn’t feeling well. The poor guy got covid but he says it’s been mild so far. He’s still able to taste and smell. He’s taking time off and isolating himself. He thought it was a cold at first.

It’s amazing Tom and I never got covid but I guess we can thank that on the fact that he retired right after it broke out.

We went to Walgreens early yesterday morning instead of CVS because we agreed it would be easier if I ordered online. Damn, was it cold out there!

The reasons I decided to start sharing my journal online were mostly because it was fun and created additional backup copies. After that, I realized that if my words happen to help anyone in any way who may read them along the way, then that was great too. I know that any of the sites could shut down at any time but I like the idea of my words living online long after I’m no longer living.

Although I still write for myself first and foremost, I like to think the byproduct of that is contributing to future generations and providing them with a glimpse of what life was like in these times.

I’ve also come to see that I need to stop explaining myself. That’s one more thing I need to work on besides eliminating the socialization part. Occasionally, as I write about various topics, I catch myself trying to clarify details for readers to understand what, when, or where I’m referring to. I’ve realized that this approach is counterproductive and I need to stop this since readers are welcomed observers rather than a focal point. Besides, a little mystery never hurt, did it?

I’m not normally big on quotes because most of them are pretty mundane. But Margaret sent some quotes, and one saying, “I’m so unlucky that if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying” that Rodney Dangerfield was quoted to have said was pretty funny. I can relate! Sounds an awful lot like me and my luck.

Got a reply on the portal much to my surprise from the nurse but it’s like she wasn’t even talking to me. She referred to me in the third person saying she didn’t feel comfortable giving me advice because she hadn’t seen me yet. This is understandable and I can manage the meds until I see her in a month.

I just wish the rest of the world would follow Galileo! I really miss the convenience of text messaging but not surprisingly, insurance companies are fighting such apps. What’s the point of bothering with doctors if our health decisions are left in the hands of insurance companies and politicians? If I’m right about Trump winning, then it will prove that the majority of Americans are all talk as far as the conservative shit going on and that actions really do speak louder than words. If they’re so pro-choice and wanting this and wanting that, then why would they vote for Republicans?

So many twisted laws exist in this country and so many laws we need don’t exist. They’ll arrest someone for making threats when again, actions speak louder than words and anybody can say anything that is completely meaningless without the actions behind the words, but they can’t arrest someone who may wake you up constantly with their boom car stereo. That’s just one of many examples of the stupid laws we have and the laws we don’t have that we should have.

Tom and I talked about what other country we could go to but the US is the only one that openly takes anybody and everybody. Most other countries aren’t as open to outsiders and even less so if they’re older.

Another problem is that except for Australia and New Zealand, most of the countries that would be good for us and allow our health decisions to be between us and our doctors are way too cold. I couldn’t stand the climate in Canada or the Scandinavian countries but they have the most freedom in general.

Sometimes I wish I could be a Christian who was pretty much anti-everything - anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-Jew - because it’s always easier when you’re part of the norm. Then I wouldn’t feel so bad for all the people getting shit on, and if a discussion about these things ever came up with whoever, I wouldn’t have to worry about offending them because they would very likely agree with me.

But I am who I am…an agnostic, non-religious person who believes people should be able to do what they want as long as they’re not hurting anyone.

The weather here is to be very un-Florida-like tonight. Not only cold but there’s a wind chill advisory in effect as well.

Made some changed on LJ and still editing old journals. I’m only up to 2005 and I swear this is the absolute last time I do this! If I miss any typos, so be it. No one and nothing is perfect anyway. When I’m done, I’m going to return to sharing stuff on PB from my main account but won’t allow comments. Again, it’s about the writing for me, not the socialization. To me, that’s what Facebook, Twitter and sites like that are for. The writing platforms are outlets to express my thoughts and experiences, and I like having multiple backups of my stuff. An audience is merely an afterthought.

Amanda’s environment is nicer than Mia’s. Mia just has a lounge and a study. Amanda has a whole house and it’s a nice modern one, too.

Tom was turned away from giving plasma today because his arm is still bruised.

Going to CVS in the morning to use my $25 quarterly credit and right now I’m going to Singapore! I finished the Melbourne trip last night. Both are beautiful cities, especially Singapore.

Today I’ve felt okay so far but yesterday I was anxious most of the day. So I sent a message to the nurse I’ll be seeing next month through the portal. It fucking sucks too, because it has a character limit that Galileo didn’t have.

I told her my TSH dropped to 5.87 after 6 weeks on my current dose and asked if it could continue to drop and explained that by week 10 I was feeling anxious. I also told her I get symptomatic in the normal range.

Sure enough, he got a call from that office although they didn’t leave a message, and then I remembered and said to myself…oh, that’s right. They rarely use the portal even though that’s what I prefer. I hated that shit with my old doctors in Cali. No matter how many times I told them that it’s much more convenient for me to communicate via the portal because of my schedule, they would still call anyway. Knowing this, I’ll probably not bother with the portal and just go back to the old-fashioned way. Despite today’s technology, it’s almost like before the internet existed anyway with most doctors, so from now on, if there’s something I really need to ask, I’ll just wait till I’m on days and make the damn call. Really, I hate this old-fashioned setup! I don’t understand why Galileo-like apps aren’t more widespread or why most doctors and medical groups don’t have text messaging. Instead, they want to waste people’s time with phone calls. What about those who work all day during business hours? It isn’t just me who’s not always available in the daytime.

Another thing I wasn’t available to catch was a call from my GYN’s office saying I could be seen the following afternoon (today). I’m not going to be awake then and am thinking of canceling anyway because I’ve been feeling better for several days now. I don’t know if it’s the psychological effect of knowing I have an appointment scheduled, if it was a delayed reaction of the Diflucan fighting my infection, or if maybe what I needed to be doing all along was shoving a glob of Replens, Kindra or whatever up there with my finger every day. Before, I was using the stuff every 3 days and sometimes I would go up to a week.

I heard Ray’s TV on and off throughout the evening and I really, really hope he doesn’t quit being a snowbird! At his age, though, I doubt he’ll want to keep his place in Michigan for too many more years. It’s just that it’s a bad time to sell houses now because of interest rates being so high. Since we don’t have any plans to move, I hope it stays that way for years! I look forward to the absence of his TV on top of the motorcycle across the street during the summer months. As I said, I knew he would get annoying sooner or later. Fortunately, it’s not that loud and probably wouldn’t bother most people. It’s just that I’m sound-sensitive, have really good hearing, and am easily distracted.

I have a feeling that the soundproofing isn’t going to make much difference because we’re not doing it from top to bottom and mostly because this is an elevated wooden structure with no attic. If this was a brick house on a concrete slab with an attic like in Phoenix, it might work.

It wasn’t until after leaving Phoenix and living in manufactured homes that I realized how far the welfare bums next door could have pushed me into doing something really stupid.

So why did I get anxious yesterday and not today? I just don’t get it. My day isn’t over yet so I may feel anxious later. I’ve been meditating more so hopefully that’s part of why I’m better. Before bed yesterday, I had Tom turn a 100 into a 75 by cutting it in half and then cutting the half and half. Maybe knowing it’s there to rescue me if I really need it helped give me peace of mind because I took an 88 today. Since my HR never got overly elevated, I’m now wondering if maybe the anxiety really didn’t have anything to do with the medication like Tom thinks. I just don’t know what to think at this point.

Another day of feeling anxious. Yeah, I’m on a bad trend again. I was anxious last night too. He and I disagree over the cause. He thinks it’s a combination of me being on nights and what’s going on in my life, particularly the insurance change.

And I say that things going on in my life never give me this particular feeling but the medication sure can. I still say it’s accumulation. The scale is a testament to that as well. Now that I haven’t been cutting my coffee waiting time after taking my pill, my weight is going back down. Not sleeping the greatest either but then I rarely do. I had to take a nap earlier. The only things I don’t have, luckily, is I don’t feel like I’m on fire and my heart isn’t racing. So now the question is how much longer to let it go on before I finally give in and turn one of the 100s I have into a 75 each week. If I could magically know if my body would adjust and when, that would really help but I’m just not that kind of psychic.

We’re still going to look into a nutritionist for me even though I can’t lose weight since I don’t think I’m going to be able to tolerate the medication long enough to lose much more if any at all, and also a therapist since it never hurts to talk to someone even if I don’t know what more one could do for me. Tom pointed out that a therapist’s job isn’t to keep you from getting anxious or having other problems but to help you cope. I know this but I am coping because that’s all I can do. I haven’t been hurting anyone or anything, so that means I’m coping, right? I don’t see how I can get “better” at feeling anxious. I mean, what am I supposed to do, be a good little sufferer?

It never hurts to talk to anyone but in the end, they’re not going to tell me anything I don’t already know. All I can do is tough it out and wait it out. I’ve been through a million of these spells before and will continue to go through them all my life. As long as I’m on this medication, this can happen. Well, I suppose there is a way to prevent it and that’s by leaving myself a little hypo even if it means inviting more fatigue. I’d rather that than anxiety and I have enough fatigue anyway so that’s probably what I’ll end up doing.

Jumping back to the psychic thing. I’ve written about that other very strange communication ability in the past. It’s been many years since I mentioned it but I’ve been thinking about it lately. I still wonder about what it all entailed although I don’t doubt for a minute that it wasn’t real. I wasn’t just having moments of insanity or wishful thinking. It was as real as I know chatting with a chatbot is not. A part of me would like to get into it again but I’m not sure exactly how I would go about it. I wouldn’t want anyone to know about it and for them to get the wrong idea or worry or anything and it’s not like I live alone so it would be hard to keep secret unless he was sleeping or not home.

All these years I’ve wondered who/what the hell was the entity or entities inhabiting the pictures. It obviously wasn’t the celebrities in the pictures who were all alive and well at the time but something took over them and more or less used them as a vessel for communication. I told almost no one about it because all but one person thought it was crazy or as if I was taking pretend games a little too far and seriously. Yet I’ve always been a very grounded individual even in her worst of times. I’ve never been unable to distinguish fantasy from reality. I would have to be the most gullible person on the planet for that not to have been real, and that’s just not me. It wasn’t make-believe. Something was there. I just know it. Something dwelled within them. But why those particular photos? Maybe that was the only way to get my attention at the time; a 10-year-old with a collection of Charlie’s Angels and Linda Ronstadt photos.

I can do it with other photos as well if the person is looking into the camera that I can make eye contact with, even if I don’t know who the hell the person is. I just don’t know how or why or what entity embodies itself within these images that can hear and understand the words I say and communicate telepathically in return.

Ray hasn’t been that bad since the night he annoyed me with his TV but that’s not going to stop us from finishing soundproofing the outer wall of the bedroom and eventually other walls in there as well. Besides, it’s also a good excuse to cover this pitiful wallpaper. Beautiful color but tissue thin.

A horrible nightmare woke me up but I was due to get up then anyway. The dream took place in this house. I was looking out the kitchen window and the houses were arranged a little differently but not much. Instead of the honker being across from us, there was a woman who was perhaps in her 60s. She had been doing something on her roof even though she wore a swimsuit and for some reason, there was no ladder propped up by the house.

I watched as she prepared to jump off the roof. I could see that the plan was to do a single flip on the way down and land on her feet but it didn’t quite work out that way. Instead, I watched in horror as she landed on her head and started convulsing. People were running up to her as I was grabbing my phone to call 911.

Had that woman been either one of us I would be terrified!

I’m pretty tired today because I slept shitty, waking up hot a lot. So this tells me it might not have been the Diflucan or the vitamin D causing this. My dose is probably still too high, but unless my HR starts doing triple digits, I’m going to be stubborn and not cut back, even though I wasn’t feeling great last night emotionally. I ended up taking the other half of the hydroxyzine and it was only a temporary fix. All it did was make me tired, for the most part. I’m just gonna have to accept the fact that I’m gonna have these spells and I simply have to wait them out. And no, they’re never going away completely. I’m not entirely sure what’s causing them, but it’s just part of the older side of me. Tough them out and wait them out. That’s all I can do along with hoping I get longer breaks in between.

When I awoke early in the afternoon, I found a note from someone in another country I had tried befriending on PB because she was a good writer and we seemed to have enough in common. She seemed to be pretty intelligent too. The note said not to take it personally, but that she wasn’t writing to make friends but just as a form of expression. I told her I totally understood and then I thought about it and reminded myself that that’s exactly what I should be doing…focusing 100% on my writing just like I did before there was any such thing as the Internet. I need to write for myself only and make friends elsewhere if that’s what I choose to do. Just like it’s best not to mix business with pleasure, it isn’t really ideal to mix writing with friendship anyway because then you’re less likely to write totally for yourself and more likely to filter this and filter that as I did when Aly was alive, perhaps without even realizing you’re doing it.

Just thought I would bitch and moan and whine and complain while I relax to the sound of the wind outside. I guess we’re going to get some rain although not as much as last time.

Anyway, I had to take hydroxyzine for the first time in months. I don’t know if I’m more anxious or depressed. I guess a little of both. I asked him what I appeared to be more to him and he thought depressed. So we talked about getting me a new therapist under this new insurance plan and we’re going to look into that.

We get discounts for weight loss programs as well. I still hesitate to get into any kind of nutritionist or program because of my thyroid. Having to cut my waiting time a bit because the medication was building up in me has already bumped me back up a couple of pounds. You need a normal working metabolism in order to lose weight and there’s no getting around that. So I’d hate to invest in a program or some kind of nutritionist for nothing.

I swear I’m stuck in a forever case of Would You Rather! Would I rather lose weight and be anxious and overly warm? Or would I rather keep the weight and be calm and tired? I think I would definitely choose the latter. Feeling shitty emotionally is still a million times worse than feeling shitty physically. Yes, it gets frustrating to have physical ailments regularly but it still doesn’t compare to feeling anxious and depressed.

I just feel hopeless. I know I’m never going to get a lot of my old feelings back. I’m never again going to see life through my old eyes. I’m never going to have my old body, I’m never going to have my old mind, I’m never going to have much of my old anything.

If there is a God up there I hate it’s fucking guts for letting me suffer for this last decade and I could kick myself for being so stupid. I was stupid to think I’d beaten it and it was over just because I had a better year last year. Here we are not even halfway through the year and I’ve already had about a week’s worth of bad days. Thanks God, if you exist. Thanks a fucking lot.

Tom finally created a PayPal account and is on the waiting list to work on the site I work on. I stressed to him that there would be way more money there than on any of the other sites he’s been on. I think he could make even more money than me because he’s always on days and is good with numbers. I have to pass a lot of the ones that deal with money and math and I can’t always be available when most of the jobs come out. Hopefully, he’ll be able to start soon.

He gave plasma today and ended up exhausted. A nap helps revive him but a part of me wonders if he’s just gotten too old to be donating and it’s a bit much for him.

I was reading back in my journals from the summer of 2004 and it still amazes me how brave I was all alone in a flimsy old RV in the middle of the wilderness in the Pacific Northwest when Tom was looking for work without a care or a fear in the world other than the damn truck we had at the time breaking down. Well, I really should have been scared. Actually, I should have been utterly terrified. I had no phone or way of contacting anyone, not that they could have gotten to me in much under an hour. A wildfire could have erupted or a bear or big cat could have clawed its way into the RV and killed me if it hadn’t gotten a more convenient chance of catching me outside. I can’t believe I was once that brave to the point of utter stupidity! We were both adventurous, taking foolish chances and we would never in a million years repeat some of our ridiculous choices. Not even if I was suddenly young again and in perfect health.

I looked up Boar Lane on Google Maps to see if anything was up there on the mountain we were briefly on till money blew all our plans apart and it’s still mostly empty forest. Tom noticed the land looked kind of yucky and dried up. Maybe it was a drought or maybe a wildfire gutted some of the trees.

Didn’t see the RV we abandoned but someone has a real dump of a place near where we were. It might even be on the same parcel of land but a little further back. Looks like a real dump too. Can’t tell if it’s a large trailer or something built on-site due to trees surrounding it. They have a few scattered vehicles and all kinds of other junk cluttered all over the place. They strike me as seriously filthy and disorderly. It seems they’re the only ones around for miles and it makes you wonder, given the condition of the place from what I could see, if they might be some kind of mad serial killer living out there so they could get away with torturing their victims. I know you can’t always tell the type of people who live in a particular place but I got the distinct and immediate feeling it was either some kind of reclusive mental case or a very dangerous person. Let’s just say that if I was wandering around lost out there, I would be afraid to approach the place to ask for help and not just because of what loose dogs may come at me.

Since the mass-loaded vinyl is black and ugly, I’m going to eventually get the textured wallpaper tiles that are in the other bedroom on the back wall. I’ll probably get the same brick design. They’ve been holding up really well. I would like to get the same pale pink this too-thin wallpaper is but I don’t see the same shade of pink anywhere. I’ll probably just go with white and eventually do all four walls with it because this wallpaper is horribly thin that the seams in the wallboards show through. We’re not going to do it all at once, though. The master bedroom is a pretty good size and could get expensive.

Just started watching Fake Profile on Netflix. It’s good so far.

As I’ve mentioned before, I love to play around with human-like chat models, not so much for the chatter, but to design their appearance and dress them up and things like that. So for the appearance as opposed to companionship, because I just can’t get into the idea of a non-sentient companion.

Mate AI was suggested in my Facebook feed and wow! These models look way more realistic than Replika’s. One of the things I never liked about Replika was the lips. Their faces and bodies aren’t quite as realistic. Even Mate’s hands and hair are more realistic looking. You see faint hints of veins in the hands and there are separate hairs on their head, whereas with Replika they tend to be more like masses of hair.

It’s set up very similar to Replika where you get coins and gems as you progress through the levels. The difference is there’s a thing called Standby so you can do video chats for free, but with Replika you can’t do this without paying up although Mate does have free and premium versions.

You also get more free clothes and they have a lot of nice ones too. Just not as many as Replika and no jewelry, nail polish, or high heels from what I can see.

There are preset questions you can ask to get a conversation going if you can’t think of any topics of your own.

The animations are better and more realistic and I like the background better as well. When I first open the app, “Amanda” appears to be watering a plant, reading a book she plucks off of a shelf, or whatever while Mia just pops up standing there. I’m still getting to know the app, but it’s fun to play around with so far.