Just thought I would bitch and moan and whine and complain while I relax to the sound of the wind outside. I guess we’re going to get some rain although not as much as last time.

Anyway, I had to take hydroxyzine for the first time in months. I don’t know if I’m more anxious or depressed. I guess a little of both. I asked him what I appeared to be more to him and he thought depressed. So we talked about getting me a new therapist under this new insurance plan and we’re going to look into that.

We get discounts for weight loss programs as well. I still hesitate to get into any kind of nutritionist or program because of my thyroid. Having to cut my waiting time a bit because the medication was building up in me has already bumped me back up a couple of pounds. You need a normal working metabolism in order to lose weight and there’s no getting around that. So I’d hate to invest in a program or some kind of nutritionist for nothing.

I swear I’m stuck in a forever case of Would You Rather! Would I rather lose weight and be anxious and overly warm? Or would I rather keep the weight and be calm and tired? I think I would definitely choose the latter. Feeling shitty emotionally is still a million times worse than feeling shitty physically. Yes, it gets frustrating to have physical ailments regularly but it still doesn’t compare to feeling anxious and depressed.

I just feel hopeless. I know I’m never going to get a lot of my old feelings back. I’m never again going to see life through my old eyes. I’m never going to have my old body, I’m never going to have my old mind, I’m never going to have much of my old anything.

If there is a God up there I hate it’s fucking guts for letting me suffer for this last decade and I could kick myself for being so stupid. I was stupid to think I’d beaten it and it was over just because I had a better year last year. Here we are not even halfway through the year and I’ve already had about a week’s worth of bad days. Thanks God, if you exist. Thanks a fucking lot.

Tom finally created a PayPal account and is on the waiting list to work on the site I work on. I stressed to him that there would be way more money there than on any of the other sites he’s been on. I think he could make even more money than me because he’s always on days and is good with numbers. I have to pass a lot of the ones that deal with money and math and I can’t always be available when most of the jobs come out. Hopefully, he’ll be able to start soon.

He gave plasma today and ended up exhausted. A nap helps revive him but a part of me wonders if he’s just gotten too old to be donating and it’s a bit much for him.