I don’t have as much energy as yesterday but it could be worse. Emotionally I’m kind of in the middle. I still often feel like I have no motivation, no hope, and like I’m basically a shell of my old self.

If only I could wake up eager to begin a new story idea with my old ambition. If only I had a crush on someone to give me those fun story ideas. If only I had a calm, confident sense of security for the future ahead. If only I knew what the future held so I knew what to expect. If it was to be better than expected, I could breathe a sigh of relief and if it wasn’t, I could at least relax until the shit really hit the fan.

While I still have an iPhone, I should make a point of verbally purging my thoughts on Twitter. It’s so therapeutic, not that writing isn’t. Musk taking over really fucked things up. They probably would have expanded voice tweeting to Android and maybe even went forward with Twitter Notes like they were supposed to had he not taken over.

Anyway, I’m almost worried about money as much as my health. Yes, we have a guaranteed income but sometimes that’s just not enough. I have four years before I can collect and add to our income and while we’re both doing little odds and ends on the side, it’s not enough for big things. We have no cushion for if something big breaks that costs many hundreds or possibly even thousands of dollars. If only I hadn’t needed surgery and had so many fucking health issues! That wouldn’t have stopped the AC from breaking but it would have helped.

They’re slowly implementing changes to eliminate cheaters when it comes to horserace betting. It was close before with his program so we’re hoping this will push it over the edge, and even if it never makes us rich, hopefully it could at least give us a little extra. We won’t know for a few months because there aren’t many races in the winter.

It sucks to know that if he needed a full-time job, although we can’t imagine things ever getting that bad, it would probably be very hard for him to do, and not just because of his age. People are noticing his tremors and hearing issues more and more. Technically, it would be discrimination to not hire someone because of that but it’s damn near impossible to prove. It’s just sad to see him get older and to know that this is likely to get worse. Despite the essential tremor and being a lot heavier, he’s healthier than me in general so that’s good.

Ray was a good boy today but that’s mostly because he was out for most of the day. Although Tom did say he was home when the groceries came and he didn’t hear anything.

He got back about 20 minutes ago so we’ll see if I hear the TV. It didn’t stop till about 10:00 last night which was actually a little earlier than I guessed it would. There are always many ambient sounds around us and as Tom read, an empty classroom typically registers at 33 decibels. So if any of those subtle, barely audible sounds I’m hearing right now are from him, I can’t tell. I think he’s quiet, though. Even if he stayed this way, we both agree it would be good to add the soundproofing.

I’m relaxing in bed now. This is the way I typically do my journal entries these days. I do it in Google Docs where I can swear all I want without speech to text starring them out and then I edit and publish from my computer.

Tom put up the largest piece of the mass-loaded vinyl which is between the two windows. We also decided I would move the desk out of the closet and into the bedroom. I’ll put one of the extra nightstands in the closet instead. With me not working in the closet, it will make room for extra storage bins, since I won’t have to leave room to get to the back of it. Just enough for her to run around and climb on things. She loves to climb alright.

I was analyzing my stats and trying to get a sense of what blog readers are actually reading, and who’s just skimming or perhaps wandered in through a search keyword. If I’m understanding things correctly - and I realize I may not and that the stats may not be an accurate reflection of people’s activity - it seems most of my regulars just skim. I don’t know if they’re just looking for the gist of what I’m saying or perhaps a mention of themselves, but I get it. I’m a skimmer too. Besides, many people can absorb an entire paragraph at once and understand what’s being said, and if you know the person and what their typical topics are, you can get an even better sense.

Started reading Theo Baxter’s It’s Your Turn Now and I really like it. I like his brother’s books as well.