Nothing new to report. Just been entering sweeps like crazy and hoping for the best.

I’ve heard from Christine, Paula, Andy and Nane, but not Maliheh yet today.

The only new thing going on is that I received the progressive glasses we ordered before life had to shit on us once again. They’re better, but they’re not. I can’t use them for the computer. I have to tilt my head back to focus on just one small spot on my large monitor. But with my single-vision lenses, the entire screen’s in focus without having to move my head up, down, left and right. The progressives will be much better for reading fine things and going out. Before when we’d go out to stores I had to choose between reading glasses and my long-distance glasses. If I chose my long-distance glasses so I could see all around me and so people’s faces weren’t such a blur, then I’d have to have Tom read things for me. Life with shitty eyesight really makes life a bitch. You’d think you could just get one pair of glasses that’d take care of everything, but you can’t. It’s just not that simple.

It got hot in here yesterday (mid-80s) and it’s going to be hot again today. But then the cold and the rain will return. Winters may not be brutal here, but they’re long.

Jesse was buzzing around the land yesterday and being obnoxious, as usual. I’m sure he’ll be out working the land any minute now. I’m surprised he hasn’t yet. It’s either him or his dogs. He’s going out tonight, I’ll be up, and so I’m sure it’ll be the dogs this time around.

Tom might be getting a call for a possible job today. The good news is that it’d pay $15 an hour. The bad is that it’s only for a day. For the evening, actually.

Speaking of Jesse, he just came down to ask that we pay the rent to his sister for a while because he had to borrow money from her. Wow, so Mr. King of the Hill ain’t so rich after all, huh? We’re guessing he borrowed money for that little Honda he sometimes drives.

He also got some plywood from his shit pile to work on whatever it is he’s doing up there since he couldn’t have left the land after he left here. Not with the dogs running around loose. Those dogs must love having him around more often. Well, I’m sure that one or two nights over the next few nights they’re going to be disappointed.

I told him Tom got laid off and that we’re eligible for Unemployment through the rest of the year even though it won’t be much. I asked if he needed Tom’s help with anything, but he said he didn’t. Then again, if he had to borrow from Maryann, how could he afford to pay Tom for any work?

Sure enough, they don’t need Tom for that job, so we just learned. I know it’ll be months before he gets a job, assuming we can make it until then.

Jesse just left on the motorcycle. I’m surprised the dogs only barked for a few seconds, though they always were more into the early morning and nighttime barking.

For now, I’m just so overwhelmed with all there is to do. Do you know how long it took me just to do this entry? I’ve been working on it for hours because in between every single paragraph, there’s something I have to jump up and do. I’m sick of all the distractions and not having enough time to myself. I just hope it really will be only a few months this time around and not nearly two years. Everyone needs alone time no matter how well they may get along with those they live with. Yet I’m only “alone” when he’s asleep or out running errands without me.

I have to make sure I take time out for the rat, too. Rats aren’t like hamsters, gerbils or even guinea pigs. Their dog-like personalities and needs require a lot of attention and they need to be let out for an hour or so each day for exercise. He’s out right now. After trying to swipe my watermelon lip gloss he went to play in the other room.

Ok, this is it for now. Now it’s back to sweeping, cleaning, working, and maybe, just maybe we’ll still get my book submitted soon and the Beanie Babies listed on eBay.

Later…

We’re trying not to get our hopes up but Tom has an interview tomorrow in Sacramento. It’s through the first temp company he was with that got him his first job which was in Rocklin. It’s for a warehouse/assembly job here in town that would bring in just over 2K a month take home if he got it. It’s only for $11 an hour, but they do a lot of overtime and work swing shifts. California has that thing where each individual day you work overtime counts as overtime instead of once you get over 40 hours total for the week. He would work 4 12-hour days a week instead of 5 8-hour days.

But as hard as it is, we’re trying not to get our hopes up since it just seems too good to be true and just way too ideal for people like us who’ve spent so much time in life being cursed financially. They even said they were looking for someone “long-term” and he could start as soon as tomorrow working from 4pm to 4am. I don’t know if the company has insurance, but if they’re like most companies these days, then I guess they wouldn’t. Still, it seems too good to be true. To be out of work for only one week this time around? Just one week?! And do you know how many times we’ve wished he had at least one weekday off so we could do things when it was less crowded? Well, I don’t think anything would be so kind to us, and just a week after yanking the carpet out from under us, but it sure would end up being a blessing in disguise if he could get this job and we could skip having to apply for Unemployment and all that related drama. We’d still go to the dentist that had a sliding scale fee payment plan; the scale just wouldn’t slide much with a job like this, LOL.

It would be kind of funny if he actually started making more than Jesse, who always seemed to have so much more than us which he mostly took for granted. But yeah, I guess Jesse’s not doing so well these days, so I’m sure he’d be happy if Tom could get this job.

But not so happy to know it might up the threat of losing such good tenants once again, LOL.

LOL, now Best Buy wants to interview him.

Ugh, yesterday it was 9:00 that Jesse started the bulldozer and today it’s 8:00. How many hours will we have to hear it today? And for how many more days? Of course God couldn’t have him doing this shit when I was on nights so I could get to sleep through it. And let me guess… the dogs are going to go crazy for one or two nights this weekend because I’ll be up, right? Right?

Yesterday Maliheh told me she had a dream an old friend won a lottery ticket and she did every time she dreamed this. She said she doesn’t know why, but all she sees is the color red for me. This alarmed me at first because all I could think of was blood. She said that wasn’t it, though, and said something about logos and ads. Hmm… interesting.

Tom did some research and found that the county does have this dental place that sees people based on a sliding scale fee. We were most surprised to learn that anyone who makes under 30K a year qualifies for section 8. There’s no way, though, that Jesse could get this place to qualify for it. We were just surprised the limit was that high. I would’ve thought that anything over 20K wouldn’t qualify. We’re also going to apply for food stamps since we’ll be there anyway applying for aid for the clinic. We can’t do this till Unemployment kicks in, though, and of course I’m not mentioning a word about this online. Not because I’m embarrassed (although it’s a little sad and frustrating), but because the sickos of this world could use one’s tough times against them if they were smart enough to know how to do so. Or to at least try.

Anyway, it’s frustrating, like I said, and sad that two people in their 40s and 50s who have worked as hard as we’ve worked and are willing to work are “living the Hispanic dream,” but not embarrassed because I’m not ashamed to accept what I can get for free in life if life’s determined to treat us like lazy Mexicans. If someone wants to give us $100 or so a month towards groceries, fine. It’ll be worth waiting in a room full of screaming little Mexies for 5 hours. I’ll just take my iPod.

Anyway, the idea is to get this county clinic which is here in Auburn to pull as many teeth as I can while still being able to eat. Once it gets down to where I have to get the rest pulled and the dentures put in, then I’ll have to go elsewhere, since this place certainly doesn’t do dentures.

Molly is a true nut. The more of her blog I read, the more obvious that becomes, along with her behavior. There were 7 views from the troll yesterday and 7 so far today. And her family thinks my site is blocked on her computer?

Her blog fesses to harassing others and myself and declares that that’s the day she’s “letting go” of her former friends (not that I was ever one of them), then just a few hours later she’s writing “letters” to Alison as if they’re still buddies, asking how she’s been, how many cats does she have these days, etc.

The 1st will be the big test since most sweeps expire on the last day of the month and the 1st. I’m entered for everything. I hope all this work will pay off like it used to! I’ve entered for everything and anything - clothes, food, electronics, furniture, guitars, trips, cash, vehicles and more. Even a 5K-35K dental makeover that if anyone could use, it’s me.

Another day of being God’s – or some other evil source – designated little poor-ass bum. Aren’t I so damn lucky to be one of the chosen ones? And another day of knowing that the phone won’t ring for an interview for Tom.

Ah, but I at least have returned to sweeping. Yeah, I’m going to give it a shot over the next few months – assuming we survive past May – and see if the influencer can beat the economy and stifle her foul moods well enough to turn back on the wins. Instead of a year for $30, we got a 3-month subscription for $12.50 which enables me to not only use what’s still the most convenient sweeps site there is, even if the people running it are assholes, but to get at the big prizes as well without being hassled along the way by ads.

We started from scratch so there would be no confusion as to what sites I had accounts at, and opened a dummy email account just for sweeping, and downloaded the latest version of Robo form. So I may not make much in the way of blog entries over the next week or so till I get caught up. There are over 8,000 sweeps. There are still too many restricted and do-this-do-that sweeps, so I’m trying to avoid the hard-work sweeps that require essays, videos and stuff like that, and just sticking to the more simple fill-and-submit forms even if it means the email account will get spammed to death, and it will. That’s why it’s always good to create a separate account for sweeping. Unfortunately, a lot of sweeps means I have to “like” the companies running them on Facebook, so my wall’s gonna be a mess. I’m also trying to stay away from little stuff like books, DVDs and CDs, though sometimes they’re runner-up prizes to the grand prize which is much bigger.

Anyway, I’m trying to stay focused on winning and the here and now, and not on how doomed we could end up being if nothing we do to try to better our lives is good enough. And that’s just the thing – nothing ever seems good enough. Weren’t we all supposed to get the so-called American dream if we just worked hard enough? Instead, we’re being forced to be which basically equates to welfare bums. Does God think we’re Mexican or something?

Every now and then I check Molly’s blog just to get a good laugh, and what should I find but the confessions of a very disturbed troll who promises to stop bullying us.

I don’t buy it for a minute. I’ve been victimized by this sick twist long enough to know her Marie-like patterns, and Alison’s known her for about 8 years. Their friendship ended 3 years ago, she told me, after she’d accepted Molly’s apology and taken her back in her life 6 times too many, realized she would never change, then cut her off completely. Or at least tried to. She ignores her whenever she gets the chance. But yeah, she’s just like Marie. She’ll behave for a while, then in a matter of days – or even hours as Alison put it – she’s back to her usual rude, paranoid and obsessive ways, expecting people to drop everything for her. This wasn’t the only blog entry where she admits to fucking with people online. It seems there are 5 others besides myself: Alison, Kim and Kathy, as well as a guy named Josh and another named Roman who may live in her town. I guess she had or still has a romantic interest in the guy that isn’t mutual.

I also know better than to get my hopes up of Tom actually getting this really good-sounding job he’d like to have here in town. He filled out an application online and plans to call the temp agency, but you know how it is for us. The odds of our luck turning around that fast are next to nil. It’ll be months before he gets a job, then they’ll lay him off again a few months after that.

Last night’s dreams didn’t have anything to do with money woes so much as they had to do with being in places I didn’t want to be – hotels, hospitals, etc.

Later…

Wow, that barely lasted a day. Yeah, Molly just viewed my blog. Then she went and did another blog entry saying she’s made some stupid mistakes, she’s sorry for the pain she’s caused, please forgive her, let’s be friends again…

Fell asleep yesterday around 1pm. Two hours later a strong smell woke me up and I ran out intending to blast Tom out for cooking overly smelly shit which he knows wakes me up along with practically everything else in the world.

Then it hit me that I was smelling propane and Tom wasn’t even home. I knew right away we ran out of propane and cursed the evil above for wielding yet another blow upon us, though we knew it was about to run out anyway since the gage was registering really low. Still, it’s just one more thing we don’t need to deal with. At least the weather is to be drying out and warming up so we should be able to return to not needing heat during the daytime and little to no heat at night as well. Tom went out and filled our two 5-gallon tanks and hooked one up. We agreed to wait till this morning before relighting the water tank because it was pouring like crazy and Tom just couldn’t get it lit. Really, fucking college kids and some of the welfare bums live better than this! Tom said he doesn’t feel like he’s “living like a bum” because he and his 4 siblings were poor growing up and even then they had it kind of good yet way worse than he has it here. While I’ll admit that I came from an affluent family and yeah, that does kind of spoil you when you grow up in a big beautiful 4-bedroom house with a big beautiful yard and all that fun stuff, I still have mixed emotions about this particular place. Not the town, but the old dumpy trailer we live in. It’s not as dumpy as the house we rented in Oregon. Two of the rooms actually look quite modern and Jesse replaced most of the old windows with new, dual-paned windows. So it’s not the tilted, falling-down wreck the Oregon house was. The whole time we were there I wondered if it would fall over. It’s gonna have to go within 10-20 years. That’s another thing I wondered; if the health and safety inspectors would come and tell the owner to tear it down. So at the same time, our living quarters could be worse – much worse – I still feel we deserve better at our ages and after the efforts we’ve put into getting ahead. If we were lazy, druggies, alkies or just didn’t care, that’d be one thing. But to try to get ahead and work really hard just to end up in an at least somewhat dumpy old trailer that’s only 500 square feet is a bit humiliating and infuriating to me. And I don’t care if others think I’m wrong for feeling the way I do. We’re prime examples of why I don’t get why so many foreigners flock to America. Ok, so some may want to get away from some of the crazy traditions some countries have, but still. Look at us. If we can’t get ahead, and we’re from here, why should they think they will?

This is the last month of heavy rain. We may get a little in April, but that should basically be it till the fall, should we still be alive by then. The rain is what keeps this from being a warm climate year-round.

Anyway, once I could finally fall back asleep after all kinds of self-destructive thoughts ran rampant through my mind that I had to resist the temptation to act on, I slept soundly. I don’t recall any dreams except for a strange dream I had right before the propane smell woke me up. Something about Tom and I trying to reach each other by phone in regards to something urgent.

I finished editing my book and made a ton of changes. Not just fixing errors but things to make it flow better. Tom feels the action was kind of slow in building up, but likes it otherwise. I agree that it starts off kind of slow. I didn’t realize this before. Sometimes taking a break from something, then going back to it lets you see it in a different light. Tom feels I had more errors than usual because I rushed through it too fast. Well, it’s true that I had a different kind of inspiration watching over than I had for my other stories, LOL. Anyway, Tom’s finishing up reading it and tomorrow I guess we’re gonna design the cover. As I told him, if it’s easier to keep it simple, let’s just do that. We have other more pressing issues right now than a story that will probably never sell.

The only thing that’s been better the last couple of days is my teeth since I upped the peroxide rinses, but that’s always been an on-and-off thing. Within a week or two they’ll be back to haunt me.

I miss some of my old problems. I really do. They were safer. This lack of security trip we’ve been on is a post-Arizona thing. I think I’d rather be depressed than fear for our safety or survival. I’d gladly go back to wanting the kid I once wanted – or at least thought I wanted – during the first few years of our marriage before my selfish side kicked in and I decided I’d rather spend money on myself than on diapers. I’d rather want to be the singer I could never be because while I had the voice and the looks, I didn’t have the connections. And in the end, I came to hate people more and more as well as traveling and didn’t have the will to basically be a slave to the business anyway.

My friends have been there for me and I really appreciate it. My favorite lady and I agree we hate it when people try to tell us how to think and feel. She has been there for me, accepted me as I am, and has always offered good advice. If we could tell someone what to think and feel, then we could simply tell ourselves what to think and feel at will, and then no one would ever feel stressed, scared, angry or sad. I still feel like I’ve known her forever and like we’re “together” even though we’re not. I think telling her how I truly feel about her has helped me in many ways.

My buddy in the east, who knows me better than I know her (yes, I know that sounds funny as hell but that’s because she started reading my journal over a year before we actually became friends) has also been there for me. She genuinely cares for me and I can almost feel those hugs and kisses she sends my way through cyberspace. It means a lot to me, too.

To answer some questions I’ve been getting about being psychic and a prankster – no, I don’t usually have vibes/dreams pertaining to others. I have had a few, but I probably won’t have bad dreams involving a friend should bad luck be heading their way. If I ever did, though, and they knew what was good for them, they would heed any warnings I may have.

In 1990 back in Springfield, MA, I called down below me to my neighbor telling him I “saw” him in a car accident. He just laughed. Especially since it was April Fool’s Day. But when he nearly got side-swiped an hour later he stopped laughing pretty fast. I learn more about people’s thoughts and feelings in my dreams than what’s actually going on with them.

I dreamt a fellow dancer in 1993 who had been nice to my face actually wished I’d go dance at another club (she hated gays). “I’m going to go dance elsewhere now, so now your wish has come true,” I told her when we were by ourselves one night in the dressing room and I was clearing out my locker.

“How’d you know?” she said, eyes bulging. “I swear I didn’t tell anyone.”

“No, but you told me in my dreams last night,” I said, assuring her it was ok and that no one was obligated to like me.

Another question I’ve been getting is if I feel guilty over the years I made prank calls. Yes and no, but mostly no. I feel bad for a few people I called, but in general, there’s no sense in regretting what we can’t go back and change as hard as it is at times. It was wrong, it was illegal, but I was young and hey, I did it, it’s over, and I’m not going to lie and say some of it wasn’t fun/funny. In fact, Andy reminding me of some of the funnier moments from our prankster days helps me get through these tough times. I need all the laughs I can get right now.

There was this quack shrink named Debbie I saw when I was 18. Even my dad knew it wasn’t “ok” to take handfuls of the tranquilizers I was abusing when I happened to have a rough day. I was reading some lyrics to a Stevie Nicks song when she answered the phone one night.

“Every time that you walk in the room, Debbie!” I said as she answered, plugging in her name at the end of the sentence.

Each time I called her back, the quicker she’d hang up, thus shortening the sentence each time.

“Every time that you walk in the room…”

“Every time that you walk in…”

“Every time that…”

“Every…”

What had me cracking up was Andy’s saying the other day, “Imagine if I called her right now and said that? That would truly traumatize her after all these years.”

Yeah, but the bitch is probably dead by now. She had to have been in her 50s in 1984, so she’s probably dead or close enough to it.

But no, I don’t feel guilty for the most part.

Honesty. It’s a scary thing, ain’t it?

Down to just 9 troll hits, so yes, we’re slowly dropping till she makes contact with me again somehow, somewhere. She just needs a new obsession, Tom said. I personally think she needs to be beaten over the head with her own computer. Alison said her mother’s a teacher and it’s spring break. Therefore, she’ll try to keep her busy and offline so she won’t cause trouble. Also, she’s got weak muscles, though she forgot the name of the condition she has. She could probably live on her own, but she can’t live a normal life. She can’t drive or run too well because of it. She’s also bipolar, though Aly thinks she’s got more issues than that.

I’ve taken some time to think about the asinine bullshit that’s been going on, and I’m just as pissed at myself as I am at the people that have been stalking, following, bullying and threatening me every chance they get. Why? Because I let them get to me like an idiot and basically control this blog. Well, no more! It’s MY blog and I have a right to say what I want in it. And that’s EXACTLY what I’m going to do from here on out. I’ll be damned if I’ll let anyone scare me into not saying this and not saying that simply because they don’t want to hear it. Or because they know they’ve made an ass of themselves and don’t want to look like even bigger fools than they already do.

I don’t have the right to say anything like “I’m gonna kill so and so,” or anything crazy like that, but I certainly have a right to state someone’s first name and why I may not like them. I don’t use last names. Unless you’re a close friend of mine, to what do I owe anyone the courtesy of basically allowing them to dictate what I can and cannot say here? If you haven’t done anything wrong, then why worry about what I may say about you? Unless you have a guilty conscience, that is.

If the people that have been harassing me would just leave me the hell alone then there’d be no reason to mention them ever again. I don’t want to harm anyone, I don’t want to fight, I just want to be left alone to exercise my right to freedom of speech in my own damn blog. That’s all.

Now that I have made myself clear as to the fact that I will no longer tolerate any more of this kind of kiddy bullshit, I’ll only continue to be harassed by these people if it is, in fact, the other way around and they actually like reading about themselves. And maybe that’s it. Many have suggested that they pull the shit they pull because they get off on negative attention. Well, I’ve still got my privacy settings beefed up to help cut down them getting their jollies with any negative attention they may crave. But if they give me a reason to write about them, then they should’ve thought about that beforehand if they really don’t like being mentioned, shouldn’t they have? I write this blog for ME. I don’t write on demand for this one or for that one but for ME. Any readers are merely an afterthought.

I’m fed up and just sick to death of all the complaints and people trying to get me to write about this or not write about that. I can’t seem to get it through people’s thick skulls no matter how many times I say it – you don’t like it, don’t tune in. Period. I’ll be damned if I’ll keep doing ‘friends only’ entries just because Jane Doe in Wyoming may not like that I said the German language is ugly, or because John Doe in Australia thinks I’m wrong for being bi. I’m not going to cut my non-members out anymore from being able to view my blog just because of these people’s precious little feelings. You know, all those little sensitive folks out there who are just so pissed off by my words that they just CAN’T stay the fuck away from this blog. Those poor, poor little eggshell-like feelings.

So unless the cops literally bust their way in here and physically keep me from ever going online, or unless you’re a friend, don’t even think of making any threats or demands. Don’t even think of it! You just remember whose blog this is instead.

Now that I’ve vented, I’m too tired to proofread this for errors after being up 19 hours. So if there are any, I guess you’ll just have to deal with that, too.

Later…

I have been trying to look at our current situation from all different angles and to analyze the hell out of all my dreams to try to get a sense of what dreams may be telling me what since it’s clear that many of my dreams do hold significant meaning if I know how to read them. Only problem is I’m getting too many mixed messages and vibes. “Vibes” I refer to as feelings I have when I’m awake.

Last night I had a cool dream where instead of decorating someone’s Facebook wall, you could actually decorate their homes using your computer. That’d be some jump in technology if we could do that! But I knew in the dream that if I decorated Nane’s place with a trail of hot pink paw prints like I did, she would know it was just me “dropping by” to say hello.

Also last night, I seemed to be bubbling with happy energy and looked out of my window into Andy’s – house? Apartment? – and saw his TV through our open windows. He was sitting sort of off to the side on a couch.

Two nights ago, though, I had scattered snippets of I don’t know what – something about it being 118º, seasonal depression in what seemed to be the month of September, and Jesse coming over here. Only “here” didn’t look like this place at all. It was much bigger and newer looking and appeared to be a real house.

All in all, I’d say these dreams have no real meaning. They didn’t leave me with any feelings of any kind afterward either. No nagging sense of doom, no nagging sense that it meant at least something or another.

But like I said, my vibes are mixed. I don’t see us being in NorCal till he retires, but my common sense reminds me of the hell we went through with our last two long-distance moves and how I don’t want to go through that again since I don’t ever expect to have enough money to ensure a smoother move. It also reminds me that other things I didn’t “see” happening have happened. So my not seeing us here that long is probably just wishful thinking, as were all the dreams I was having about moving and living in other places. He would have to get a permanent and great-paying job for us to get a bigger place anytime soon, and somehow I doubt anything up there would be so kind to us.

Tom says to try to see the positive side to my dreams, but it’s kind of hard to see anything positive in a riot closing in on you. I’m just going by our history and track record. When have our problems ever been short and sweet? How often do we get breaks in life? So trying to tell myself he could very well have a job, good-paying or not, before we have to go on Unemployment, is just ridiculous. When it rains on us it pours. And I know that if we can survive it will be months before he has another job. That’s just it, though; can we survive? We have 3 major hurdles to have to get over in order to make it through this. We have to hope the money doesn’t run out before the Unemployment checks kick in. We have to hope we can survive on that and what we make from the Turk. Then we have to hope to once again beat the clock and get a job before the checks stop. Then if we can do that, it’s off to wonder if we can survive the next crisis that’ll occur within a few months.

I also wonder about the 7-year cycle theory that some people believe in. I spent 7 years wandering aimlessly around New England, 7 years writing journals by hand before I went all-digital, and 7 years being victimized by the freeloaders in Phoenix.

If I really do get my teeth done this year it will have been 7 years since they first started bothering me. It has also been 7 years since the Let’s Tease Tom & Jodi with their Survival game started.

I’m still not sure what to think as far as this 7-year cycle goes, but these facts certainly are interesting. It’s still hard to keep the faith and hope that his being laid off turns into a blessing in disguise. One that just may present an opportunity to at least work closer to where there are retirement communities even though I honestly can’t see us ever owning a home again and am no longer sure I want that. I mean, of course I want that. But I’d rather not get something I’d only be destined to lose.

I would prefer a warmer climate than this, but this isn’t the worst climate to be in either. I’d stick around for the right reasons like a good, permanent job with benefits, but that seems just as unlikely to keep us here as we are to have enough money to get out of here.

Poor Aly. She seems just as cursed only physically. She has premonitions too, but is awake for hers. She just gets bad vibes and feelings of doom. She had a feeling something bad would happen last week too, and sure enough, she was in the hospital on oxygen yesterday which she emailed me from.

She’s still getting views from Molly and her sister in Brownsville and agrees that if that’s not Molly, then at least someone in that household is viewing our blogs. The sister wasn’t in yesterday, but Molly was, of course, and I’m getting regular hits from Washington, District of Columbia, US with all different IPs, mostly in Chicago or L.A. I think these are probably proxies, though, and they could be anywhere.

I haven’t gone and made public my older entries, but I will soon enough. Like I said, I’m no longer going to succumb to their threats and let them bully me around in my own blog.

Anyway, the views are dropping. Yesterday it was just 23 views that I got from her, but she didn’t start until 4:30 which makes me think she may be working. Yeah, leave it to this nut to have a job, who has the safety net of her mother’s house/money, while my husband and I have to suffer with no safety nets anywhere. She made 19 views in under 15 minutes, so I’m guessing she not only went to look for any new comments on old entries but was refreshing the page hoping for comments on the entry I had just posted.

Maliheh cracked me up yesterday, not that I still didn’t feel bad for her. She just sounded like me with the way she was going off in her message about birds waking her up that only had a few days left to live. I’m guessing that means she has a nest nearby with a noisy bunch in it. I joked about guarding her sleep with a bat that I would take to their heads.

I can’t say Nane doesn’t care anymore. We had a lovely chat and I got a kick out of how she said she was beginning to like my rat, and what the hell does LMAO mean, LOL. I forget that the Germans wouldn’t necessarily know our acronyms here.

I can’t figure out the rat’s game lately. Condensation sometimes drips off the door across from the bathroom, so I put a dishtowel in front of it. He keeps dragging it over to the main heater, which we’re not using and tries to stuff it underneath it.

I’m not the emotional basket case I was a couple of days ago, but I’m still stressing. Kind words and support from family and friends have helped, and based on our calculations, we might be able to make it between Unemployment and the Turk. I said might, though, and so we’re not 100% sure of anything.

I talked with my parents and exchanged messages with my sister and that helped a little despite our past differences. My folks offered to help contribute to getting my teeth taken care of, but I don’t think they get how broke we are right now. Even if they paid 95% of it, we can’t afford to spare a dime right now on anything that isn’t a necessity. And while my teeth hurt, it’s not life-threatening. We’re still going to look into our options, though. Just because the state cut dental from the free clinics, doesn’t mean the county might not still have something. Still, it’s really sweet of them. Even the hints they dropped about an inheritance. Yeah, this time around when she said “trust me,” I figured it out. But we need help now, and not that I want my parents to die or anything like that, but they should live another 5-10 years. And I don’t know that they’d be able to leave us that much by the time they go. Then again, I know better. We’ll be just as needy in 5-10 years as we are right now if we’re still alive.

I started to tell them that I swore I’d never ask for help because I knew I couldn’t go running to them every time things got tough and Dad said, “Jodi, you’re not asking for help. We’re offering it to you.”

Again, very sweet of them, but just what are we going to do after they’re gone and whatever they leave us is gone, too? Will we be dead by then? It’s sad to know that the only way to have a guaranteed roof over your head and food in your tummy for life is to commit a crime big enough to land you in prison for the rest of your life.

Tammy just said she was sorry, we deserve better, she’s there if I need her, and a house is just a house whereas a house is a home with the love and support Tom and I give each other. Oh, and she also asked if we thought about moving to a state with more opportunities. LOL, not even she gets how broke we are. Remember, losing our teeth may run in the family, but I’m the chosen underdog here, like it or not. No one else’s ears or wallets have been picked on like mine have. I’m the only family member this short, who can sing, who knows more than one language, and who’s been to jails and funny farms. I think my brother may’ve gotten arrested once or twice, but he’s never done time, and he was a better drummer than I ever was a guitarist/pianist. I doubt anyone else even believes in psychics nor would they dare have a pet rat or a couple of mannequins for decoration. Where I’m the designated weirdo, they’re oh-so normal.

But yeah, California was a mistake. “That’s how you learn, though,” said Tom. Maybe so, but it still would’ve been nice had we known that hot summer day in 2007 as we wound our way down, down, down through the Cascades from Timber Country to NorCali that we were sitting on the edge of the worst economic recession in the history of the United States.

I don’t know why I went crying to Tammy or my parents. I guess I just feel the need sometimes to run and cry on people’s shoulders when the shit hits the fan just like I want to run and tell everyone when something good happens – “I won the karaoke contest!” woo-hoo! “I won 9 grand!” woo-hoo!

As for friends, Andy, Maliheh, Christine, Mitch, Alison and Kim have shown they care with their words of encouragement, but Nane hasn’t. She ignores most of my messages, but at least she still sends smiles, flowers and little things like that every now and then.

Other than trying to shoo away all the self-destructive thoughts I’ve been having, I told my folks about the book and let them know there was at least some good going on.

“If it’s R-rated, I’ll read it,” said Dad.

“Uh, it may be kind of X-rated in a couple of scenes and I know you two would be mature enough to handle them, but it might not be your cup of tea,” I told them.

“How do you know?” asked Mom.

“Yeah, we could be a couple of prudes for all you know,” Dad said.

This actually made me laugh. They wouldn’t care that the lead characters were gay, and I’m sure they’d appreciate the writing and all that. It’s just that I don’t usually do the kind of suspense they prefer to read. My stories also have a romantic twist to them and they’re more into strictly suspense or mysteries as opposed to romantic suspense with or without a few steamy scenes of erotica in the midst.

I had to laugh when I thought – if only they knew just how much more interesting the story behind the story is. I’ll tell them about it someday when there are less pressing issues going on. Well, if we can ever get to that point. I can just see it, though, and me saying something like, “Remember once upon a naughty little time when I got in trouble back east for prank calls? Well, it happened to be a girl I had a crush on and I found her in cyberspace nearly two decades later, was a jerk for a while, then apologized, then wrote a little story with us as leads as a joke (with what I thought was a little inspiration from her at first that turned out to be a joker), knew she was reading along cuz my blog can see who visits it, but don’t worry, I didn’t kill either of us off so as not to jinx us. Then one day I finished that little story and we got to talking and she kind of likes my writing, and well, we’re damn good buddies now! She’s still good looking too, LOL.”

Yep. The story behind the story is definitely just as interesting. :)

Christine agrees it’s best not to call the cops and to stay off their radar. Oh, I’m keeping off the bacon radar, believe me. I just hope others will keep me off too, but the more time that passes without any online shit spilling over into the offline world, the more convinced I am that the trolls are full of shit. You see, there are 3 ways to learn about the law. The easy way is to go to school. The two hard ways are to either get framed or do stupid shit and get in trouble like I did 20 years ago. Well, I got 2 out of 3. If I weren’t stressed out right now I just may actually laugh at how ridiculous and naive they are. Nonetheless, I like the idea of confusing them as to what state I’m in (I did an entry saying we were heading to Reno) so I may not make any public entries for a few days. There were fewer views from the family today, but Molly’s still viewing me like crazy. Yesterday there were over 50 views from her, today we’re down to 46, so hopefully it’s a sign they’re getting bored with these asinine and childish games.

Wow, what an interesting God/psychic theory Christine has. She said: I’m sending all good energy your way. You know, I don’t believe in a God who is still involved with us. I think: there may or may not be a God. Who knows. Seems pretty clear to me that if there is, he is not involved with us anymore. On the other hand, I do believe there is another plane of existence, energy that surrounds us. This is what you are tapping into with your psychic abilities. It’s available to us all - most people can’t access it though. I do believe praying can affect things for the good, but not b/c God hears and answers, but b/c you are affecting the psychic plain. I’m sending good to you! Just hang on…

I still don’t know for sure what the hell I believe, but I like to hear different views on the matter. I tend to agree that a God - especially a good one - doesn’t exist when you think of what just happened in Japan. On the other hand, if I just won a million bucks I may feel otherwise and like I suddenly had a friend in the sky (or wherever that other plane is). Maliheh agrees; there’s not so much a God as there is one big energy force.

I definitely don’t believe in the saying, “If God brings you to it, He’ll get you through it.” If He brought the earthquake to Japan, then why didn’t He get the thousands of people through it that died? So I guess a negative/positive energy force would make more sense than a God who affects individual lives. Either way, I’m still very cursed in general no matter what’s doing the cursing.

I also definitely have become more and more psychic with age, but it’s not something I discuss with just anyone. As she said - most people can’t tap into it even though it’s there for everyone to tap into. Therefore most people would automatically assume I was full of shit and probably an excellent candidate for the local funny farm. Yet I remember those few years I “influenced” or “willed” myself to win thousands of dollars worth of cash and other goodies and how my moods and state of mind greatly affect whether good/bad things happen to me. Then the economy went bad, my mood soured, and my wins went down to virtually nothing.

What Tom and I were wondering is how and why I seemingly went from an influencer to a dream premonitioner. He said he can’t tell the difference, saying that the dreams could be “influencing” reality to play out the dreams. I just wish I didn’t have this thing. If it’s causing more bad than good in our lives, then what’s the point?

Just had the first period where I didn’t have to take anything for cramps. I don’t even need more than just liners these days and haven’t used tampons for a while. I hope I live long enough to experience the rest of menopause. Not the vertigo part, which I’ve already started, but I can’t wait to do away with the water retention and the sore boobies. And when it’s freezing out there – I say bring on those hot flashes!

I’m a little more focused than I was last night, so I guess I’ll pour out more of my anxieties, frustrations and anger.

I’m not as fearful as I could be and perhaps should be, but I know that if it does come down to us killing ourselves to spare ourselves from serious suffering, I’m gonna be shitting bricks then big time. I’m still afraid to die. I’m afraid of the actual dying process and of what may lie beyond. But I know I have to die someday anyway, and in many ways, 45 is a good age to go. It’s old enough to have lived enough, experienced enough and done enough. Especially since I was never tied down with kids. But it’s also young enough not to go through the shit you go through when you get old. If we do off ourselves it probably won’t be till the end of next month.

As I assured my closest friends, though, I’m not going to “choose” death. I’m going to choose not to let life as a street bum, should it ever come down to that, end up killing me that way. Why let ourselves suffer needlessly and in ways we don’t deserve? I would only “choose” to end my suffering much in the way a terminally ill patient sometimes chooses to end their lives like they allow for in Oregon and Washington and like they should allow for everywhere. Animals get better treatment at times than people.

I promised myself I would never let circumstances throw us on the streets, but as I also promised my friends, we wouldn’t do anything unless things really did get to the point of no return. We won’t end it if we get a flat tire, or if the pipes spring a leak, or if we accidentally burn something we’re cooking. But you bet we will if we’re ever forced to lose everything and hit the streets. I could never cut it on the streets at any age. I may be in pretty good shape and anyone can see that with my arm/shoulder muscles and my rippled abs and calves. I’ve still got quite a layer of fat on me, but I don’t like to sit on my ass for long. So it’s not about being too sick or too weak to handle it. It’s about us believing we deserve better than to be treated like scum and to have life reward our hopeless efforts to get ahead by making street bums out of us. I’m not emotionally strong enough to handle the streets and before I knew it that would affect my health. I have to wonder, though – just how many more times are we going to be teased and threatened with our survival? How many??? Gee, why doesn’t God just send us to starve off in Africa if He hates us that bad and thinks we deserve to live like that?

As far as what’s going on with Tom, well, we’re scrambling to save our asses, but if nothing up there helps us help ourselves then there’s nothing we can do about it. We’re both working the Turk to make at least $5 a day each. It’s looking like our Unemployment is only going to be $225 a week instead of $300. He says we can get by on that, and points out that gas alone was a couple hundred a week since he had a 45-minute drive each way.

The temp agency instructed him to update his résumé, and he’s also applying at places like Walmart, but it’s basically back to being where we were from November of 2008 till 6 months ago – knowing our survival basically comes down to a flip of a coin. We’re either going to beat the clock or we won’t. Beating the clock’s not so much the issue as the money will be.

It just burns me up to know that God, for no apparent reason whatsoever, has basically handed us down a life sentence of poverty with just a few short-lived breaks here and there. Why are we any less deserving of our dreams than anyone else???

Nane just posted a nice picture of a tropical spa on my wall. That’s something I’ll definitely never get to enjoy, but it sure was nice to see a picture of it anyway. So were Andy’s compliments on my writing. He said my last entry was so superbly written and really puts into words what many cannot express.

Poor Alison, though. She’s going through the same thing and appears to be as psychic as I am. I don’t know if she’s had any dreams, but she’s been having a bad feeling all week and says her feelings are usually right on. Well, they sure were before she was diagnosed with cancer.

Christine is sad now because she has an old cat that’s dying. I felt bad for pouring my troubles out on her, but she said it’s ok, it’s sad but not a tragedy.

I know for sure that the dream where I feared him being fired was a warning of him being laid off, but what about the riot dream? Was it a warning that death is closing in?

Maliheh lost power because they had tornadoes in her area, but she did check in which was sweet of her. What could I tell her, though? That we just wait for the phone to never ring while I go back to wishing I could have more alone time, and wondering if we’ll make it while we’re at it? That it’s a no-win situation anyway because if he does get a call for an interview it’ll probably be for nothing when they see how white and older he is, and that even if by some chance they hire him, God will only have him laid off again in a few months?

Molly and her family are continuing to harass me. Oh, but they’re kind enough to sprinkle in a few niceties along the way by complimenting my writing and saying not to give up on God, all I have to do is ask for help, no one wants to hurt me, etc. Here, I’ll just post the messages.

Anonymous writes: that was very mean of u to put her acutal name, if u wanted to tell her that u should have done it through email n kept it between the two of u. Instead u put it in public to make urself look like a victim. u have a good writing style and its a shame to use it for anything mean

Molly’s family writes: FYI. Molly has not been to your site recently; it was blocked on her computer months ago. Please stop blaming her for your unwanted visitors. Her recent posts were made by her attorney’s paralegal who is trying to educate you as you continue to butcher the law. And now it appears that someone claiming to be Molly has made a comment. The police are watching your site, but they would never harm you. You said that you were going to call them and you were given the names of the detectives who are handling your case. Why no call? They would like to speak to you about the day that you said that you were sending someone to our house to harm Molly. Really bad move on your part as were your recent comments on Molly’s site. Don’t put stuff like that on the internet with your name attached. It never goes away. Nice people don’t talk like that. No one means you any harm. Just quit writing about Molly. Stop sending the filthy remarks to her. Her family and friends will watch your site until you leave her out of your daily whining session. And the police will be watching you until they are satisfied that you are no longer a threat to our family. Her only reason for coming to your site in the first place was to be friends. We have consulted our attorney about every legal comment that we have made to make sure that it is correct. If you will consult an attorney, we will pay for it. It’s obvious that you don’t even know the difference between criminal and civil law. Either talk to an attorney or keep your ignorance to yourself. You are doing your followers a great disservice by giving them your own interpretation of the law. Some of your sycophants appear to be only semi-literate and they may believe you. On the bright side, quite a few members of the Texas Bar Association had a good, long laugh at your “I am totally forbidding you” comment. Let it be your mantra in life and keep the zingers coming. Don’t give up on God. He will help you if only you ask.

Ugh, nothing seems to scare these people off. It’s like they think they’re invincible. That’s the scariest thing about crazies; they just don’t get it. The family member, on the other hand, seems to be a little more with it. So why can’t she see that continued contact after I told Molly and her family not to do so makes them look anything but good?

I got views from all over Texas yesterday, a couple in Colorado, and one of the Texas views came in from Facebook. So they found my Facebook profile which I made totally private. They could still message me or try to add me as a friend, but they can’t see my connections there so they can start harassing them, too.

Now let’s take the last “comment” piece by piece. If it isn’t her that’s been viewing me 50 times a day then someone in that household is because it’s the same IP#.

Also, what kind of a paralegal would post such a thing and try to “educate” someone that way?

I never said I was going to call her local police, and the link to Molly’s site she gave me says nothing about sending someone over to her house.

If the police were really “watching” my blog the first thing they would do would be to tell them not to contact or comment on anything and to just let them handle it from there, and anyone with the Bar Association that could “get a good, long laugh” at my demanding her to leave me alone is not very professional at all.

Lastly, Molly didn’t come to my site just to be friends. She came to spite Alison and see if she could turn me against her.

Oh, and I don’t know the nut’s email addy either.

I was right. Something bad did happen. Only it has nothing to do with Molly and I’m almost sorry it doesn’t. That would’ve been as simple as not going to court like I shouldn’t have 11 years ago. Over the last 6 months, I’ve been telling Tom to just enjoy the good times while they last because all good things come to an end for us. I reminded him just how much something up there hates us and loves to kick us back and tease us with our survival. Once the shit hit the fan in 2007 and then again the first time he got laid off here, I knew like never before – that’s how obvious it became - that we were meant to spend the bulk of our lives struggling in tiny old rentals no matter how hard we tried to get ahead.

For 2-3 days, I kept having bad dreams. I knew trouble was ahead. Tom said all was fine. But I knew it wasn’t. It’s not that he doesn’t believe I’m psychic. He knows I’m an influencer (or mostly used to be), and he knows I sometimes have dream premonitions. If life doesn’t play out exactly as the dream did, then it’s at least along the same lines. Although we have the Magic Jack phone and two cells, the message in the dream where he was unable to call into work was clear – trouble was on the horizon. I think Tom just has a hard time believing our future really is etched in stone and that there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. He was supposed to get up in a few hours, go to work, get hired on this summer, then I was to go to a dentist, then we would maybe get a bigger rental, then buy a house probably in the summer of 2012, but that’s just a dream. All one big dream destined never to come true, and like I said, I’m sure the bastard above will figure out a way to swipe our pension from us, but that’s ok. I don’t plan to live much longer at the rate we’re going and I don’t want a house anymore anyway since I know damn well we’d only lose it soon enough. So the bastard can keep His fucking house. How could I enjoy it without constantly worrying?

Instead, Tom got a call in the evening informing him that he was now laid off. And for the millionth time, just when we started to get ahead we’ve been kicked back and now it’s time for God to have fun beating us over the heads with money all over again. Or so He thinks. I absolutely REFUSE to succumb to a life of this same old cycle of bullshit. I absolutely REFUSE! Death seems a little sweeter to me each time this happens and I’m really starting to feel like the end is near. That’s ok. I’m ready to go if it is. I’m just glad I got to reunite with old friends first, especially Maliheh. She could’ve said, “Fuck it. Why forgive her? She’s on the other side of the country and we may never see each other, so fuck it.”

But she allowed me into her life and accepted me as I am.

The bastard above will do anything to hold us back no matter how much it hurts us and causes us to suffer. He is bound and determined to make sure Tom never gets a permanent position, we never have insurance, and we never buy a house. We must, must, must, be His designated little poor-ass bums and the family underdogs. Excuse me, but when did I ever raise my hand and say, “Me, me, me! Let me be the one to suffer. Just let everyone else have the nice cars, nice houses, security, and all things good. I’ll be the one to suffer and to have to do without.”

Well, I’m through struggling and being made a complete fool of by God himself, the fucking bastard! And I don’t care if He retaliates for my bashing Him. If He had such a problem with it then He shouldn’t have given me reason after reason to hate Him more and more each year.

What’s the point in getting ahead just to lose what we gain? I also realize that a permanent position may not necessarily be better than a temporary one. He would get paid holidays and have a slim chance of getting insured since there are still a few companies that offer insurance, but he’d still get laid off there too, within a year or two. I tell you we’re 100% permanently cursed!

I don’t know if I’m going to bother with my book, even though Tom said he wants to forge ahead with it after all the time we’ve put into it. It couldn’t save us so I don’t see what the big deal is anymore. Any excitement I once felt over that is all gone now.

As I told Maliheh and Christine, oddly enough, I’m not scared. Just pissed and a little depressed, but mostly pissed. I should be scared for our survival is on the line again, isn’t it? Perhaps I’m not scared because I no longer care if we survive, knowing our only choices in life are to live to struggle or to escape it all in death. All I know is that I’m not going to spend this summer like I spent last summer, wondering if we’ll beat the clock.

Later…

Both Andy and Maliheh offered words of encouragement and Nane “liked” my last comment on her wall. This is really sweet of them, but I still don’t think they get where I’m at in life. I mean, they do, because at least two of them that I know of have been there, but I don’t know that they get that sometimes we really do just know things. And I know our lives will never change no matter what, and when it does it won’t be for long. Our good spells are getting shorter and shorter each time.

I’m just glad they didn’t give me that things-could-be-worse line. Yeah, they could be. But things are bad enough and I know I can’t keep going on struggling, uninsured, and going round in round in circles forever, unable to break this never-ending cycle of bullshit. And that’s just the thing. I know I don’t have to take it anymore. I could off myself anytime I wanted to. I don’t know if the afterlife would be better or worse or even if there is one, but I know I don’t have to stay here.

I know there’s no way I could be wrong about what’s in store for us. I mean the general highlight of our lives – poverty and bad neighbors. Nobody loses two places, is born with a rare sleep disorder such as mine no matter how many people don’t get it or call me a liar who’s making excuses or lives like bums at our ages that’s meant to ever get ahead in life for more than 5 minutes. I know there really truly is something out there hell-bent on holding us back in life no matter how hard we struggle to get ahead. And if it’s not God, then I don’t know what it is. I just know that we’re going to be poor most of our lives if we stay alive just like I know I’m never gonna be tall or blond or have brown eyes. Some things, psychic or not, we just know in our hearts, minds and gut. I haven’t been wrong on this yet, so why would I start now? I wish to hell I could be wrong, but I’m not going to kid myself either and start telling myself what I don’t believe and what I know isn’t true. Things like, it’ll get better. Yeah, maybe it will after another 22 months of Unemployment, but for how long? Like I said, each good spell gets shorter, so will it be just 3 months next time? It’s frustrating to know something yet having no one else get it or believe it. They understand my feelings, but I don’t think they get – or want to get – that yeah, sometimes some of us really do have evil forces against us that we can never truly break free of. Perhaps it’s too scary for most people to swallow, but I know that something has hated me ever since birth. I’m 45 now so why should it stop?

They told Tom they never kept anyone on longer than 4 months if they didn’t intend to hire him. Well, that person either lied, didn’t know what the fuck they were saying, or Tom’s the first one they let go after 4 months.

First I was too numb to cry, then too angry. But now I can’t stop crying. Maliheh doesn’t think there is a God/evil thing but more like one big energy, and therefore I shouldn’t channel my anger at God. I say “God” because I don’t know what else to call it. Then again, does it really matter what it is that’s against us? It’s against us. Period. And it’s much, much more powerful than us.

I could wish upon myself all the deadly diseases in the world, but that’s just the thing – whatever this thing is that’s hell-bent on making our lives miserable isn’t going to give me some deadly disease or have some gang banger shoot me down or anything like that because it wants me to live to suffer. The only way out is to grow old – probably a hell of a lot older than most folks – or to end my life myself. Or maybe that’s what it wants. Is that the idea in this never-ending cycle of shit? Is it trying to slowly push me into killing myself? IDK, maybe I’d be better at looking out for others from the other side than I am at taking care of myself on this side.

I just know it’s no “test.” This is a hell of a risky test to put someone through that’s downright cruel, and so were several other “tests” in life. Besides, how many times can one fucking be tested?

Or maybe I need to go out and kick someone’s ass? More often than not, good things happen to bad people and bad things to good people. Maybe I’m just not “bad” enough to deserve good. Is that it?

Tom says we’re eligible for Unemployment through the end of the year and that no matter how much it shorts us, he’s grabbing a dental plan from the first job that gives it to him.

I love the holy hell outa my husband no matter how many women I may be attracted to, have crushes on, or even love, but he is just way too damn naively optimistic. He says there are tons more jobs to apply for than there were when he got his last job, but still, does he think I’m stupid? It’ll be months before he gets something new if we even make it that far, no matter how hard he busts his ass applying for things both on and offline. Secondly, most jobs don’t offer insurance anymore. Thirdly, how can he be sure our next round of Unemployment checks will even be enough to live on, even with the Turk? I also still doubt the economy will ever recover and not because this country’s broke, but because our lovely government won’t stop giving all our money away. It’s like they want to send this country to hell but help boost other countries. It’s twisted and totally backward just how fucked up and unfair this world is, but it’s just one more thing that makes the thought of death a little sweeter. But this isn’t just about the economy. It’s about whatever’s after us.

I don’t want the damn dental program anymore anyway, as I tried to tell Tom. I haven’t just put it off because I know that God doesn’t let me solve problems but just to replace them. Nor did I put it off because He obviously wants me to suffer and feels I deserve it, but because I knew it was just a matter of time before we needed the money for more important things.

All I know is that there’s only so far I can be pushed in life and only so many times, too.

Molly stayed up late, like till after midnight her time, apparently anxious for my next entry. As closely as she follows my blog, she would know my schedule rolls and that I usually come in a little later each day. And even later when the shit hits the fan.

There were over 50 views from her yesterday and yes, I’m sure it was her. She sat there clicking away at just about everything and anything. Like I said, I doubt her mother’s even aware of her behavior. Well, she’s the least of my fears right now but is still a creepy part of my life. And Alison’s. And Kim’s, even though she can’t see Kim’s blog. All 3 of us now have our tweets protected.

I asked Christine for her opinion on the matter after showing her the legal threats. She mostly believes they’re full of it and finds it hard to believe that all those people are really involved in something so silly at a time when the economy is so bad, but she agrees that anything is possible. After all, I was already legally railroaded once, thanks to our lovely God who allowed it to happen. If she’s been having me tailed, they’re using a proxy server, but Molly M is the least of my concerns right now as I said before.

If I do end up posting this it will be either private or friends only, and I will share these thoughts, beliefs and latest catastrophes by email with Andy, Maliheh, Mitch, Christine and Nane.

Why? Why am I psychic? What’s the point in having dream premonitions when you can’t change what you see coming anyway? All it does is give me an extra 72 hours or so of stress to have to deal with while I’m waiting for the shit to hit the fan.

Whatever’s going to happen is going to happen. One thing that is going to be up to me is whether I decide to stay on and struggle, or just get the fuck out of this world. Nobody’s going to take that one away from me. Nobody.