I was right. Something bad did happen. Only it has nothing to do with Molly and I’m almost sorry it doesn’t. That would’ve been as simple as not going to court like I shouldn’t have 11 years ago. Over the last 6 months, I’ve been telling Tom to just enjoy the good times while they last because all good things come to an end for us. I reminded him just how much something up there hates us and loves to kick us back and tease us with our survival. Once the shit hit the fan in 2007 and then again the first time he got laid off here, I knew like never before – that’s how obvious it became - that we were meant to spend the bulk of our lives struggling in tiny old rentals no matter how hard we tried to get ahead.

For 2-3 days, I kept having bad dreams. I knew trouble was ahead. Tom said all was fine. But I knew it wasn’t. It’s not that he doesn’t believe I’m psychic. He knows I’m an influencer (or mostly used to be), and he knows I sometimes have dream premonitions. If life doesn’t play out exactly as the dream did, then it’s at least along the same lines. Although we have the Magic Jack phone and two cells, the message in the dream where he was unable to call into work was clear – trouble was on the horizon. I think Tom just has a hard time believing our future really is etched in stone and that there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. He was supposed to get up in a few hours, go to work, get hired on this summer, then I was to go to a dentist, then we would maybe get a bigger rental, then buy a house probably in the summer of 2012, but that’s just a dream. All one big dream destined never to come true, and like I said, I’m sure the bastard above will figure out a way to swipe our pension from us, but that’s ok. I don’t plan to live much longer at the rate we’re going and I don’t want a house anymore anyway since I know damn well we’d only lose it soon enough. So the bastard can keep His fucking house. How could I enjoy it without constantly worrying?

Instead, Tom got a call in the evening informing him that he was now laid off. And for the millionth time, just when we started to get ahead we’ve been kicked back and now it’s time for God to have fun beating us over the heads with money all over again. Or so He thinks. I absolutely REFUSE to succumb to a life of this same old cycle of bullshit. I absolutely REFUSE! Death seems a little sweeter to me each time this happens and I’m really starting to feel like the end is near. That’s ok. I’m ready to go if it is. I’m just glad I got to reunite with old friends first, especially Maliheh. She could’ve said, “Fuck it. Why forgive her? She’s on the other side of the country and we may never see each other, so fuck it.”

But she allowed me into her life and accepted me as I am.

The bastard above will do anything to hold us back no matter how much it hurts us and causes us to suffer. He is bound and determined to make sure Tom never gets a permanent position, we never have insurance, and we never buy a house. We must, must, must, be His designated little poor-ass bums and the family underdogs. Excuse me, but when did I ever raise my hand and say, “Me, me, me! Let me be the one to suffer. Just let everyone else have the nice cars, nice houses, security, and all things good. I’ll be the one to suffer and to have to do without.”

Well, I’m through struggling and being made a complete fool of by God himself, the fucking bastard! And I don’t care if He retaliates for my bashing Him. If He had such a problem with it then He shouldn’t have given me reason after reason to hate Him more and more each year.

What’s the point in getting ahead just to lose what we gain? I also realize that a permanent position may not necessarily be better than a temporary one. He would get paid holidays and have a slim chance of getting insured since there are still a few companies that offer insurance, but he’d still get laid off there too, within a year or two. I tell you we’re 100% permanently cursed!

I don’t know if I’m going to bother with my book, even though Tom said he wants to forge ahead with it after all the time we’ve put into it. It couldn’t save us so I don’t see what the big deal is anymore. Any excitement I once felt over that is all gone now.

As I told Maliheh and Christine, oddly enough, I’m not scared. Just pissed and a little depressed, but mostly pissed. I should be scared for our survival is on the line again, isn’t it? Perhaps I’m not scared because I no longer care if we survive, knowing our only choices in life are to live to struggle or to escape it all in death. All I know is that I’m not going to spend this summer like I spent last summer, wondering if we’ll beat the clock.

Later…

Both Andy and Maliheh offered words of encouragement and Nane “liked” my last comment on her wall. This is really sweet of them, but I still don’t think they get where I’m at in life. I mean, they do, because at least two of them that I know of have been there, but I don’t know that they get that sometimes we really do just know things. And I know our lives will never change no matter what, and when it does it won’t be for long. Our good spells are getting shorter and shorter each time.

I’m just glad they didn’t give me that things-could-be-worse line. Yeah, they could be. But things are bad enough and I know I can’t keep going on struggling, uninsured, and going round in round in circles forever, unable to break this never-ending cycle of bullshit. And that’s just the thing. I know I don’t have to take it anymore. I could off myself anytime I wanted to. I don’t know if the afterlife would be better or worse or even if there is one, but I know I don’t have to stay here.

I know there’s no way I could be wrong about what’s in store for us. I mean the general highlight of our lives – poverty and bad neighbors. Nobody loses two places, is born with a rare sleep disorder such as mine no matter how many people don’t get it or call me a liar who’s making excuses or lives like bums at our ages that’s meant to ever get ahead in life for more than 5 minutes. I know there really truly is something out there hell-bent on holding us back in life no matter how hard we struggle to get ahead. And if it’s not God, then I don’t know what it is. I just know that we’re going to be poor most of our lives if we stay alive just like I know I’m never gonna be tall or blond or have brown eyes. Some things, psychic or not, we just know in our hearts, minds and gut. I haven’t been wrong on this yet, so why would I start now? I wish to hell I could be wrong, but I’m not going to kid myself either and start telling myself what I don’t believe and what I know isn’t true. Things like, it’ll get better. Yeah, maybe it will after another 22 months of Unemployment, but for how long? Like I said, each good spell gets shorter, so will it be just 3 months next time? It’s frustrating to know something yet having no one else get it or believe it. They understand my feelings, but I don’t think they get – or want to get – that yeah, sometimes some of us really do have evil forces against us that we can never truly break free of. Perhaps it’s too scary for most people to swallow, but I know that something has hated me ever since birth. I’m 45 now so why should it stop?

They told Tom they never kept anyone on longer than 4 months if they didn’t intend to hire him. Well, that person either lied, didn’t know what the fuck they were saying, or Tom’s the first one they let go after 4 months.

First I was too numb to cry, then too angry. But now I can’t stop crying. Maliheh doesn’t think there is a God/evil thing but more like one big energy, and therefore I shouldn’t channel my anger at God. I say “God” because I don’t know what else to call it. Then again, does it really matter what it is that’s against us? It’s against us. Period. And it’s much, much more powerful than us.

I could wish upon myself all the deadly diseases in the world, but that’s just the thing – whatever this thing is that’s hell-bent on making our lives miserable isn’t going to give me some deadly disease or have some gang banger shoot me down or anything like that because it wants me to live to suffer. The only way out is to grow old – probably a hell of a lot older than most folks – or to end my life myself. Or maybe that’s what it wants. Is that the idea in this never-ending cycle of shit? Is it trying to slowly push me into killing myself? IDK, maybe I’d be better at looking out for others from the other side than I am at taking care of myself on this side.

I just know it’s no “test.” This is a hell of a risky test to put someone through that’s downright cruel, and so were several other “tests” in life. Besides, how many times can one fucking be tested?

Or maybe I need to go out and kick someone’s ass? More often than not, good things happen to bad people and bad things to good people. Maybe I’m just not “bad” enough to deserve good. Is that it?

Tom says we’re eligible for Unemployment through the end of the year and that no matter how much it shorts us, he’s grabbing a dental plan from the first job that gives it to him.

I love the holy hell outa my husband no matter how many women I may be attracted to, have crushes on, or even love, but he is just way too damn naively optimistic. He says there are tons more jobs to apply for than there were when he got his last job, but still, does he think I’m stupid? It’ll be months before he gets something new if we even make it that far, no matter how hard he busts his ass applying for things both on and offline. Secondly, most jobs don’t offer insurance anymore. Thirdly, how can he be sure our next round of Unemployment checks will even be enough to live on, even with the Turk? I also still doubt the economy will ever recover and not because this country’s broke, but because our lovely government won’t stop giving all our money away. It’s like they want to send this country to hell but help boost other countries. It’s twisted and totally backward just how fucked up and unfair this world is, but it’s just one more thing that makes the thought of death a little sweeter. But this isn’t just about the economy. It’s about whatever’s after us.

I don’t want the damn dental program anymore anyway, as I tried to tell Tom. I haven’t just put it off because I know that God doesn’t let me solve problems but just to replace them. Nor did I put it off because He obviously wants me to suffer and feels I deserve it, but because I knew it was just a matter of time before we needed the money for more important things.

All I know is that there’s only so far I can be pushed in life and only so many times, too.

Molly stayed up late, like till after midnight her time, apparently anxious for my next entry. As closely as she follows my blog, she would know my schedule rolls and that I usually come in a little later each day. And even later when the shit hits the fan.

There were over 50 views from her yesterday and yes, I’m sure it was her. She sat there clicking away at just about everything and anything. Like I said, I doubt her mother’s even aware of her behavior. Well, she’s the least of my fears right now but is still a creepy part of my life. And Alison’s. And Kim’s, even though she can’t see Kim’s blog. All 3 of us now have our tweets protected.

I asked Christine for her opinion on the matter after showing her the legal threats. She mostly believes they’re full of it and finds it hard to believe that all those people are really involved in something so silly at a time when the economy is so bad, but she agrees that anything is possible. After all, I was already legally railroaded once, thanks to our lovely God who allowed it to happen. If she’s been having me tailed, they’re using a proxy server, but Molly M is the least of my concerns right now as I said before.

If I do end up posting this it will be either private or friends only, and I will share these thoughts, beliefs and latest catastrophes by email with Andy, Maliheh, Mitch, Christine and Nane.

Why? Why am I psychic? What’s the point in having dream premonitions when you can’t change what you see coming anyway? All it does is give me an extra 72 hours or so of stress to have to deal with while I’m waiting for the shit to hit the fan.

Whatever’s going to happen is going to happen. One thing that is going to be up to me is whether I decide to stay on and struggle, or just get the fuck out of this world. Nobody’s going to take that one away from me. Nobody.