I’m a little more focused than I was last night, so I guess I’ll pour out more of my anxieties, frustrations and anger.

I’m not as fearful as I could be and perhaps should be, but I know that if it does come down to us killing ourselves to spare ourselves from serious suffering, I’m gonna be shitting bricks then big time. I’m still afraid to die. I’m afraid of the actual dying process and of what may lie beyond. But I know I have to die someday anyway, and in many ways, 45 is a good age to go. It’s old enough to have lived enough, experienced enough and done enough. Especially since I was never tied down with kids. But it’s also young enough not to go through the shit you go through when you get old. If we do off ourselves it probably won’t be till the end of next month.

As I assured my closest friends, though, I’m not going to “choose” death. I’m going to choose not to let life as a street bum, should it ever come down to that, end up killing me that way. Why let ourselves suffer needlessly and in ways we don’t deserve? I would only “choose” to end my suffering much in the way a terminally ill patient sometimes chooses to end their lives like they allow for in Oregon and Washington and like they should allow for everywhere. Animals get better treatment at times than people.

I promised myself I would never let circumstances throw us on the streets, but as I also promised my friends, we wouldn’t do anything unless things really did get to the point of no return. We won’t end it if we get a flat tire, or if the pipes spring a leak, or if we accidentally burn something we’re cooking. But you bet we will if we’re ever forced to lose everything and hit the streets. I could never cut it on the streets at any age. I may be in pretty good shape and anyone can see that with my arm/shoulder muscles and my rippled abs and calves. I’ve still got quite a layer of fat on me, but I don’t like to sit on my ass for long. So it’s not about being too sick or too weak to handle it. It’s about us believing we deserve better than to be treated like scum and to have life reward our hopeless efforts to get ahead by making street bums out of us. I’m not emotionally strong enough to handle the streets and before I knew it that would affect my health. I have to wonder, though – just how many more times are we going to be teased and threatened with our survival? How many??? Gee, why doesn’t God just send us to starve off in Africa if He hates us that bad and thinks we deserve to live like that?

As far as what’s going on with Tom, well, we’re scrambling to save our asses, but if nothing up there helps us help ourselves then there’s nothing we can do about it. We’re both working the Turk to make at least $5 a day each. It’s looking like our Unemployment is only going to be $225 a week instead of $300. He says we can get by on that, and points out that gas alone was a couple hundred a week since he had a 45-minute drive each way.

The temp agency instructed him to update his résumé, and he’s also applying at places like Walmart, but it’s basically back to being where we were from November of 2008 till 6 months ago – knowing our survival basically comes down to a flip of a coin. We’re either going to beat the clock or we won’t. Beating the clock’s not so much the issue as the money will be.

It just burns me up to know that God, for no apparent reason whatsoever, has basically handed us down a life sentence of poverty with just a few short-lived breaks here and there. Why are we any less deserving of our dreams than anyone else???

Nane just posted a nice picture of a tropical spa on my wall. That’s something I’ll definitely never get to enjoy, but it sure was nice to see a picture of it anyway. So were Andy’s compliments on my writing. He said my last entry was so superbly written and really puts into words what many cannot express.

Poor Alison, though. She’s going through the same thing and appears to be as psychic as I am. I don’t know if she’s had any dreams, but she’s been having a bad feeling all week and says her feelings are usually right on. Well, they sure were before she was diagnosed with cancer.

Christine is sad now because she has an old cat that’s dying. I felt bad for pouring my troubles out on her, but she said it’s ok, it’s sad but not a tragedy.

I know for sure that the dream where I feared him being fired was a warning of him being laid off, but what about the riot dream? Was it a warning that death is closing in?

Maliheh lost power because they had tornadoes in her area, but she did check in which was sweet of her. What could I tell her, though? That we just wait for the phone to never ring while I go back to wishing I could have more alone time, and wondering if we’ll make it while we’re at it? That it’s a no-win situation anyway because if he does get a call for an interview it’ll probably be for nothing when they see how white and older he is, and that even if by some chance they hire him, God will only have him laid off again in a few months?

Molly and her family are continuing to harass me. Oh, but they’re kind enough to sprinkle in a few niceties along the way by complimenting my writing and saying not to give up on God, all I have to do is ask for help, no one wants to hurt me, etc. Here, I’ll just post the messages.

Anonymous writes: that was very mean of u to put her acutal name, if u wanted to tell her that u should have done it through email n kept it between the two of u. Instead u put it in public to make urself look like a victim. u have a good writing style and its a shame to use it for anything mean

Molly’s family writes: FYI. Molly has not been to your site recently; it was blocked on her computer months ago. Please stop blaming her for your unwanted visitors. Her recent posts were made by her attorney’s paralegal who is trying to educate you as you continue to butcher the law. And now it appears that someone claiming to be Molly has made a comment. The police are watching your site, but they would never harm you. You said that you were going to call them and you were given the names of the detectives who are handling your case. Why no call? They would like to speak to you about the day that you said that you were sending someone to our house to harm Molly. Really bad move on your part as were your recent comments on Molly’s site. Don’t put stuff like that on the internet with your name attached. It never goes away. Nice people don’t talk like that. No one means you any harm. Just quit writing about Molly. Stop sending the filthy remarks to her. Her family and friends will watch your site until you leave her out of your daily whining session. And the police will be watching you until they are satisfied that you are no longer a threat to our family. Her only reason for coming to your site in the first place was to be friends. We have consulted our attorney about every legal comment that we have made to make sure that it is correct. If you will consult an attorney, we will pay for it. It’s obvious that you don’t even know the difference between criminal and civil law. Either talk to an attorney or keep your ignorance to yourself. You are doing your followers a great disservice by giving them your own interpretation of the law. Some of your sycophants appear to be only semi-literate and they may believe you. On the bright side, quite a few members of the Texas Bar Association had a good, long laugh at your “I am totally forbidding you” comment. Let it be your mantra in life and keep the zingers coming. Don’t give up on God. He will help you if only you ask.

Ugh, nothing seems to scare these people off. It’s like they think they’re invincible. That’s the scariest thing about crazies; they just don’t get it. The family member, on the other hand, seems to be a little more with it. So why can’t she see that continued contact after I told Molly and her family not to do so makes them look anything but good?

I got views from all over Texas yesterday, a couple in Colorado, and one of the Texas views came in from Facebook. So they found my Facebook profile which I made totally private. They could still message me or try to add me as a friend, but they can’t see my connections there so they can start harassing them, too.

Now let’s take the last “comment” piece by piece. If it isn’t her that’s been viewing me 50 times a day then someone in that household is because it’s the same IP#.

Also, what kind of a paralegal would post such a thing and try to “educate” someone that way?

I never said I was going to call her local police, and the link to Molly’s site she gave me says nothing about sending someone over to her house.

If the police were really “watching” my blog the first thing they would do would be to tell them not to contact or comment on anything and to just let them handle it from there, and anyone with the Bar Association that could “get a good, long laugh” at my demanding her to leave me alone is not very professional at all.

Lastly, Molly didn’t come to my site just to be friends. She came to spite Alison and see if she could turn me against her.

Oh, and I don’t know the nut’s email addy either.