I’ve taken some time to think about the asinine bullshit that’s been going on, and I’m just as pissed at myself as I am at the people that have been stalking, following, bullying and threatening me every chance they get. Why? Because I let them get to me like an idiot and basically control this blog. Well, no more! It’s MY blog and I have a right to say what I want in it. And that’s EXACTLY what I’m going to do from here on out. I’ll be damned if I’ll let anyone scare me into not saying this and not saying that simply because they don’t want to hear it. Or because they know they’ve made an ass of themselves and don’t want to look like even bigger fools than they already do.

I don’t have the right to say anything like “I’m gonna kill so and so,” or anything crazy like that, but I certainly have a right to state someone’s first name and why I may not like them. I don’t use last names. Unless you’re a close friend of mine, to what do I owe anyone the courtesy of basically allowing them to dictate what I can and cannot say here? If you haven’t done anything wrong, then why worry about what I may say about you? Unless you have a guilty conscience, that is.

If the people that have been harassing me would just leave me the hell alone then there’d be no reason to mention them ever again. I don’t want to harm anyone, I don’t want to fight, I just want to be left alone to exercise my right to freedom of speech in my own damn blog. That’s all.

Now that I have made myself clear as to the fact that I will no longer tolerate any more of this kind of kiddy bullshit, I’ll only continue to be harassed by these people if it is, in fact, the other way around and they actually like reading about themselves. And maybe that’s it. Many have suggested that they pull the shit they pull because they get off on negative attention. Well, I’ve still got my privacy settings beefed up to help cut down them getting their jollies with any negative attention they may crave. But if they give me a reason to write about them, then they should’ve thought about that beforehand if they really don’t like being mentioned, shouldn’t they have? I write this blog for ME. I don’t write on demand for this one or for that one but for ME. Any readers are merely an afterthought.

I’m fed up and just sick to death of all the complaints and people trying to get me to write about this or not write about that. I can’t seem to get it through people’s thick skulls no matter how many times I say it – you don’t like it, don’t tune in. Period. I’ll be damned if I’ll keep doing ‘friends only’ entries just because Jane Doe in Wyoming may not like that I said the German language is ugly, or because John Doe in Australia thinks I’m wrong for being bi. I’m not going to cut my non-members out anymore from being able to view my blog just because of these people’s precious little feelings. You know, all those little sensitive folks out there who are just so pissed off by my words that they just CAN’T stay the fuck away from this blog. Those poor, poor little eggshell-like feelings.

So unless the cops literally bust their way in here and physically keep me from ever going online, or unless you’re a friend, don’t even think of making any threats or demands. Don’t even think of it! You just remember whose blog this is instead.

Now that I’ve vented, I’m too tired to proofread this for errors after being up 19 hours. So if there are any, I guess you’ll just have to deal with that, too.

Later…

I have been trying to look at our current situation from all different angles and to analyze the hell out of all my dreams to try to get a sense of what dreams may be telling me what since it’s clear that many of my dreams do hold significant meaning if I know how to read them. Only problem is I’m getting too many mixed messages and vibes. “Vibes” I refer to as feelings I have when I’m awake.

Last night I had a cool dream where instead of decorating someone’s Facebook wall, you could actually decorate their homes using your computer. That’d be some jump in technology if we could do that! But I knew in the dream that if I decorated Nane’s place with a trail of hot pink paw prints like I did, she would know it was just me “dropping by” to say hello.

Also last night, I seemed to be bubbling with happy energy and looked out of my window into Andy’s – house? Apartment? – and saw his TV through our open windows. He was sitting sort of off to the side on a couch.

Two nights ago, though, I had scattered snippets of I don’t know what – something about it being 118º, seasonal depression in what seemed to be the month of September, and Jesse coming over here. Only “here” didn’t look like this place at all. It was much bigger and newer looking and appeared to be a real house.

All in all, I’d say these dreams have no real meaning. They didn’t leave me with any feelings of any kind afterward either. No nagging sense of doom, no nagging sense that it meant at least something or another.

But like I said, my vibes are mixed. I don’t see us being in NorCal till he retires, but my common sense reminds me of the hell we went through with our last two long-distance moves and how I don’t want to go through that again since I don’t ever expect to have enough money to ensure a smoother move. It also reminds me that other things I didn’t “see” happening have happened. So my not seeing us here that long is probably just wishful thinking, as were all the dreams I was having about moving and living in other places. He would have to get a permanent and great-paying job for us to get a bigger place anytime soon, and somehow I doubt anything up there would be so kind to us.

Tom says to try to see the positive side to my dreams, but it’s kind of hard to see anything positive in a riot closing in on you. I’m just going by our history and track record. When have our problems ever been short and sweet? How often do we get breaks in life? So trying to tell myself he could very well have a job, good-paying or not, before we have to go on Unemployment, is just ridiculous. When it rains on us it pours. And I know that if we can survive it will be months before he has another job. That’s just it, though; can we survive? We have 3 major hurdles to have to get over in order to make it through this. We have to hope the money doesn’t run out before the Unemployment checks kick in. We have to hope we can survive on that and what we make from the Turk. Then we have to hope to once again beat the clock and get a job before the checks stop. Then if we can do that, it’s off to wonder if we can survive the next crisis that’ll occur within a few months.

I also wonder about the 7-year cycle theory that some people believe in. I spent 7 years wandering aimlessly around New England, 7 years writing journals by hand before I went all-digital, and 7 years being victimized by the freeloaders in Phoenix.

If I really do get my teeth done this year it will have been 7 years since they first started bothering me. It has also been 7 years since the Let’s Tease Tom & Jodi with their Survival game started.

I’m still not sure what to think as far as this 7-year cycle goes, but these facts certainly are interesting. It’s still hard to keep the faith and hope that his being laid off turns into a blessing in disguise. One that just may present an opportunity to at least work closer to where there are retirement communities even though I honestly can’t see us ever owning a home again and am no longer sure I want that. I mean, of course I want that. But I’d rather not get something I’d only be destined to lose.

I would prefer a warmer climate than this, but this isn’t the worst climate to be in either. I’d stick around for the right reasons like a good, permanent job with benefits, but that seems just as unlikely to keep us here as we are to have enough money to get out of here.

Poor Aly. She seems just as cursed only physically. She has premonitions too, but is awake for hers. She just gets bad vibes and feelings of doom. She had a feeling something bad would happen last week too, and sure enough, she was in the hospital on oxygen yesterday which she emailed me from.

She’s still getting views from Molly and her sister in Brownsville and agrees that if that’s not Molly, then at least someone in that household is viewing our blogs. The sister wasn’t in yesterday, but Molly was, of course, and I’m getting regular hits from Washington, District of Columbia, US with all different IPs, mostly in Chicago or L.A. I think these are probably proxies, though, and they could be anywhere.

I haven’t gone and made public my older entries, but I will soon enough. Like I said, I’m no longer going to succumb to their threats and let them bully me around in my own blog.

Anyway, the views are dropping. Yesterday it was just 23 views that I got from her, but she didn’t start until 4:30 which makes me think she may be working. Yeah, leave it to this nut to have a job, who has the safety net of her mother’s house/money, while my husband and I have to suffer with no safety nets anywhere. She made 19 views in under 15 minutes, so I’m guessing she not only went to look for any new comments on old entries but was refreshing the page hoping for comments on the entry I had just posted.

Maliheh cracked me up yesterday, not that I still didn’t feel bad for her. She just sounded like me with the way she was going off in her message about birds waking her up that only had a few days left to live. I’m guessing that means she has a nest nearby with a noisy bunch in it. I joked about guarding her sleep with a bat that I would take to their heads.

I can’t say Nane doesn’t care anymore. We had a lovely chat and I got a kick out of how she said she was beginning to like my rat, and what the hell does LMAO mean, LOL. I forget that the Germans wouldn’t necessarily know our acronyms here.

I can’t figure out the rat’s game lately. Condensation sometimes drips off the door across from the bathroom, so I put a dishtowel in front of it. He keeps dragging it over to the main heater, which we’re not using and tries to stuff it underneath it.