Well, the I-don’t-care asshole’s beast just gave me a few barks about 15 minutes ago to remind me it was there. Someday. Someday I will live where someone else’s dog won’t be set off by me rummaging around in my own house. Someday I’ll live where all dogs, voices, and cars are off in the distance.

Speaking of these psychotic fucks - I think I figured something out and that’s that I don’t think that little girl is hers. This would explain why she’s bone-thin unless she’s a druggie, and why she mentioned her nephew and her “niece.” Remember, I was supposed to have told them they couldn’t play out front when the truth is that that was the first time I saw the boy there when I went off about the dog. And also, I’ve never said a damn word to the little girl.

For some reason, I’m actually looking forward to the winter. I’m kind of tired of sweating and just knowing that these aren’t winter people is comforting. Unless that’s gonna change at any point. The only thing that’ll definitely get noisier here is the two dogs as the weather cools down. The kids will return to the monkey bars, too, but that can’t be heard inside the house. I’ve got a good feeling about the winter, but I can’t put a finger on it. Well, I know it can’t be that the bed cures our sex lives or that I’ll be pregnant, but I’m curious to see if they move in December. Or if Mike takes off again for a few months. If he does, then there’ll be no car doors or company car doors to listen to. The only car doors would be whoever drives that sick bitch to and from work.

In a way, I wish we’d be the ones to move before the sick fucks do, cuz then they’ll be hearing from me in the mail and I’ll make sure they know damn well that it’s me too, writing to them. However, if they left first, then I sent them a letter (which would get forwarded to their new place) these deranged lunatics may very well shoot up the house.

Yesterday, I let the devil get the better of me, so to speak, and I felt a little down about how controlled I’ve been in life. God taking away your right to have a child can lower your self-esteem here and there and really make you feel cursed, inadequate, and abnormal. My lungs had been tight for a couple of days and I just couldn’t handle any physical or emotional beatings from God at the moment cuz of his problems with past Jews, other family members, or me.

Then Tom did something that was fun, romantic, spontaneous, and just totally great. As he was putting together the new vacuum, which I love and which is better than the one that broke, he asked if I wanted to talk, or if I wanted sex to make me feel better, and asked me if I wanted him to go down on me or screw. Sex could never solve my problems, but it sure feels good and is a great diversion from shit. I wanted him to go down on me and I told him that after that, we could screw if he wanted to, but I think that he too, wanted to go down on me and not screw. So, he just went down on me, and it was really nice and helped me feel better both physically and mentally so I could get to bed.

Tom said that it’d be best not to call and ask Mary about tube brand trading. He said if I need tubes, to just say so. Well, I don’t need them, but more Play City tubes would be nice to have eventually. Right now, though, I’m more interested in us getting the bed, and that electrolysis thing I want, and a gerbil. I could use a new hideaway and some more accessories like that, too.

Tammy, who only calls when she wants something or if something’s wrong, left a message for Tom to give her a call about a computer question. So we called her, but they figured out the problem on their own. Then Bill got on and asked some other questions and told us a couple of jokes.

I wonder if my mom’s getting senile or if she’s bored and lonely like Andy? After I got done listening to music, I saw she called, so I called her back. She said something about trying to get me on the computer, but accidentally calling me, which makes no sense, and how she knows we’ve got every service there is. Well, not quite. Anyway, she wanted to know what size the bed was, and I reminded her that in my last message, I said that the bed would be delayed a little while. I told her it’d be a king-size and she said she’d be sending a ruffle thing that goes between the box spring and mattress and also pillow shams and 1 set of sheets. She’s also sending a lamp, too, like we need yet another lamp. This package will be here any day now, but then she’s gonna send another one.

The sheets she’s sending match the comforter I’ve got that she sent when I first got here. She too, doesn’t use blankets and likes comforters. I don’t care so much what the sheets look like, but I do want a nicer-looking comforter. This one’s getting old, anyway. Talk about a major matchaholic, though! She started to describe this navy plaid comforter and I told her that that just wasn’t my style and she said she better not send it anyway, cuz it wouldn’t match the lamp. 

Oh, brother! Typical Jewish mom!

Originally, we were gonna buy a new comforter and two sets of sheets, but now we’ll just get a new comforter and one set of sheets. She says they just use one set and wash it every week, but I wasn’t about to get into why we want two sets and tell her that I don’t think she and Dad make the mess that Tom and I do periodically. You never know anyway, and it’s nice to have a backup set no matter what, cuz you never know if you may spill something like coffee on the sheets at the end of your day, and you may not care to wait till they were washed and dried.

I busted my ass off cleaning kitchen appliances yesterday and today I dusted, vacuumed, and mopped and I already feel much better. Tom mowed the lawn and was kind enough to clear the back room floor so I could vacuum more space. We also switched back to the EC till Friday. It was just too humid.

Once again, I’m filled with mixed emotions about Tom’s mom. She’s a sweet lady, yet I sometimes wish she didn’t exist. Tom may feel obligated to help out his mom after all the years she took care of him, but still, he was over there yesterday for about 5 hours taking care of her and doing her lawn. What about taking care of me? What about our lawn? He didn’t make the time for this more frequent sex he claims he wants yesterday, he didn’t mow the lawn, he didn’t do the weeding, he didn’t do the hedges and tree out front, he didn’t replace the sink washer. All he did was talk about how he’s gonna rearrange the back room and how he’s gonna organize that, which is pure bullshit. And even if he does do anything with it, he’ll start it in a month from now, but won’t finish it.

He left me a message that he woke up a little late.

Well, of course. She’s running him ragged. What’s to say this won’t escalate till she ends up getting him fired?

I don’t wish her dead or anything, but I sure as hell wish she’d move into Mary’s and sell that old dump of a burden!

It’ll be time to clean and rearrange T-Bear’s cage again soon. In no time at all, after I’ve created a new setup, it gets filthy! Why can’t he pee in the sawdust, rather than the tubes? In fact, I think I’ll go deal with that now, then I’ll write.

My parents sent me the “long” message I said would be nice to receive since typing is so much easier than writing. Yeah, on every other line, with one word per line, they wrote: Dear Jodi, this is the long letter you’ve been wanting, love, Mom and Dad.

I’m gonna call Mary sometime and see if she uses both Sam and Play City. I think she might, cuz when she first gave me that little cage and one T-tube and two curved Play City tubes, she also gave me two curved Sam tubes. I’m really sick of these flimsy Sam tubes and I want to see if she’d be willing to trade me 6 Sam’s for 6 Play City’s.

I spoke to Lisa yesterday and to Tammy and Bill, too. Tammy’s going through what I’m going through - you get your feet on the ground, then the shit hits the fan. Although her problems are medical and ours are with things breaking. She said she may have something called malaria, which is a disease from a bug bite, and the vacuum that I thought just had a loose belt, may very well be totally shot. So, it looks like Tom’s gonna have to get a new one. And due to this, the bed will be delayed a week. Of course. Why not? God wouldn’t want me to hurry up and take any steps towards anything more normal now, would he?

I was in a good mood at one point and said to Tom, “Who knows? Maybe the bed will change our lives.” 

Then he said he didn’t say that, and I reminded him that he did say it’d lead us to more sex and him to more cumming and us to finding out who’s right about the sterility (not that I don’t already know who’s right). He was all man when his reply to that was that that wasn’t changing our whole lives. Well, I know he doesn’t care, but to me, it’d be changing a damn good chunk of my life. I didn’t know this, but he said he did get the loan started for the bed, too, which only takes 7-10 days to go through. In fact, he got a very unexpected and guaranteed loan of about two G’s sent to his ma’s house. I thought that this was a sign that the bed was really a lot more meant to be than even I thought, but now I don’t know. I know the bed’s gonna be much more than just one week delayed. I’m not stupid. I know how fate works with me and as I said before, I see absolutely no change in our sex lives when and if we ever do get the bed, but I hope I’m not wrong in a very bad kind of way. Hopefully, it won’t make our lives a disaster, but I guess it couldn’t really do that. I just hope not.

I told Bill some jokes and he told me one. I’m also gonna send them a couple of pages of some more jokes I have in journal 85.

I’ve been exercising again and have been holding at 104 pounds, but I still don’t see myself getting as thin as I used to be between 95-100. I think my body has pretty much settled into what it wants to weigh in this day and age.

I’ve been doing something that’s been making the proofreading of my journals, which is very boring, go a lot faster. I’ve been printing them out, making corrections on the paper, then correcting them on the computer. This way, I don’t have to sit at the computer and I can take the printouts with me wherever I want - to the couch, in bed, etc.

I got a package of notepads and pens from Kim and another picture, too, which I’ve sent to Bob. Yes, I’ve written to both Bob and her. She looked terrible in the picture and her face is like a rectangle. Very long and thin. Guess she lost weight. Anyway, I thought Bob would appreciate the picture more than me, but I won’t be writing to this bore very much at all.

Tom said, “It’s OK to like someone I don’t like and be friends with them.” Well, he’s absolutely right, so I sent Kim a letter. However, I’m perfectly willing to compromise with him, as it’s only fair. He said it was up to me, but if she calls saying she’s coming out here, I’ll make up an excuse as to why I won’t be able to see her.

Tom said the weather was too beautiful today to do any work, but he compromised with me and switched to the cooler, before going to the racetrack. The only thing about it is that it turned very humid when we switched. It figures, huh? Still, it’s nice to have the fresh air, even if the air here is becoming more and more like L.A. It should also be drying up soon, too.

When I got up around 10 PM, I asked Tom how the sickos were today and he said he heard car doors.

Oh, I’m sure he did.

Tom’s got a definite point when he says to only ask something of someone once. I’ve learned that if someone doesn’t comply with your wishes the first time around, they never will. So, I told Tom that I’ll only ask him once to do things like turn the water faucets off tight or stuff like that, cuz if he doesn’t do it the first time around, then he obviously just doesn’t care to. Something would’ve had to be done about this, though, had we had had a kid, cuz if it saw that we weren’t respecting each other’s wishes, it wouldn’t respect ours. As far as asking neighbors anything, no matter how reasonable a request it is, you can’t ask them nothing. I mean nothing! A good 95% of the people in this city not only just don’t give a shit, but if you ask them the simplest favors, they fucking pitch a fit! Back east, the only problems with noisy neighbors I had were at the NHA, but if I had asked every single one of my neighbors to please tone down whatever source of noise, almost all of them would’ve gladly done so. And they’d have had the same attitude I do and would want to be considerate of my wishes, cuz they too, would want consideration. They wouldn’t want trouble so close to home, either. They’d never have not cared this much or gotten so angry over me asking them to keep the noise down that they would end up making even more noise like that butch Andi did. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I really asked the butch and the freeloaders to shoot their parents.

I can totally see why those Mormons moved. They were just too nice for this city and Tom’s so right - there are assholes everywhere, but boy are cities (especially huge ones) infested with them! At least 95% of the people I’ve met here were complete major fuckaroos, like Donna, Rosemarie, Mark, Robert, Stacey, Scott, Ellie, Fay, the freeloaders, and that security guard Steve and the kids next to my second apartment at Crystal Creek, were no angels, either. They didn’t give a damn about anyone but themselves.

I didn’t know this, but Tom told me that if it weren’t for his parents living in Phoenix, he’d have left a long time ago. Well, I’m glad he didn’t so we could meet, but I really can’t wait till we move to a smaller city, even if it’ll take 4-8 years.

I hope Tom can fix the vacuum that broke yet again, with no problems. As great as he is at fixing things, some things just turn out to be a bigger deal than you first think. Just like when the sickos got their beast. I figured - no problem. It can't be any worse than the other two. Yeah, right! Well, I didn't feel that way when it went off that night at 2 AM, nor do I feel that way when the two dogs finally shut up, and then this one starts up.

As long as people leave their dogs outside 24/7 like they do here in AZ, then I can't stand any dogs being within half a mile of where I live.

According to the message my parents left, we’ll be getting a package next week. I’m always psyched and looking forward to any packages they send. I just hope it’s stuff we like and can use, cuz sometimes they send stuff that I just don’t know what to do with. They tell me to find someone that can use what I can’t and that’s usually what I try to do, cuz I wouldn’t want to just trash something they send.

Once again, they were full of shit when they said Hurricane Nora would bring us a lot of rain, but it has brought us a lot of wind. Down in Yuma, though, is a different story. They’re getting a lot of rain.

All’s still being quiet at night and through most of the day with our sick fucks next door. Yesterday at 7 AM, though, I heard that big black mouth yelling about something, then a few door slams, then that was it.

Sandy replied to my message saying that Andy’s delay was a favor to her with how busy she’s been, but to let her know as soon as he knows when he’s coming in, so she can make the time to go to see him in Springfield, or wherever.

Andy left me a message asking me how to say print your name and sign your name in Spanish since the people buying his old car don’t speak English. So, I told him.

Ma’s in stable condition right now and believe it or not, she doesn’t have to return to the doctor for two months, so that’s good. However, she’s still shaky.

Tom took her grocery shopping the other day and Tom pointed out these really cool-looking ghost cookies and Ma bought them for me, along with a few TV dinners. The cookies were good. They’re sugar cookies with ghosts in the middle of them and I made them up yesterday.

As far as yesterday’s sex goes - yes, things are still the same. God’s still making sure there’s always a problem, offering us no help, and acting like there’s a pregnancy he’s got to keep me from whenever I’m mid-cycle. And Tom’s still too scared to get off and still denying this. He still seems just a little too happy when he doesn’t get off and why is it that he says sex was good when he doesn’t cum, but he doesn’t say that when he does cum?

Anyway, as you know, I’ve been struggling in my mind with what to do about his teasing and his fears and I’ve decided that there’s nothing to “tease” me with. He can’t tease me about getting pregnant when I can’t do that in the first place, so he can seem as teasing and as spiteful as he wants when it comes to sex. And also, I said I was gonna take care of his fears since he won’t speak up on his own, and use my best judgment by avoiding sex during mid-cycle, but no way. That’s not my responsibility. First off, I know his fears can’t turn into a reality and also, I’m not gonna take care of his fears for him. He can do that by not cumming at that time, since the few times he did, it obviously scared the shit out of him even more. It’s up to him to speak up and take action against his fears, not me. I can’t always hold his hand, so to speak, and protect him from his fears, whether they’re unfounded or not. He has to take a stand for himself and stand on his own two feet to do what he feels he has to do.

Tom left for work at 12:30, telling me tomorrow and the next day, we could have time together. Time together to do what? Tease me? Have him be too scared to get off and make up excuses for it? He said tomorrow will be a good day, but what does that mean? As much as I’m always tempted by sex, I have to muster up all the strength I can to say no. We can have a good day as long as we’re playing cards or just hanging out together, but I don’t want to be manipulated or played for a fool in bed, no matter how much I enjoy our sex and get off. Is it really worth him doing something he’s not comfortable doing, just to tease me and tell me he’s not afraid?

I will never ever go "Gizzying" again. Not in the garage, unless it was between November and February. And not unless we saw one in the house. I put the trap in the garage at dusk and went to get it at 10:30 and I caught something, alright. Shitloads of ants! I thought that by 10:30, even though it’s not getting down into the 40s or 50s yet at that time, they’d be in bed.

Their dog shut up at the usual time, but for a good two hours or so in the early evenings, I really do wish someone would shoot that fucking beast! It’s nice and peacefully quiet now, though, and since it’s cooled down into the 70s and 80s at night, I’ve shut off the AC and turned the cooler on “vent.” Friday we’re gonna switch over so we can use the cooler to cool and not just vent. It needs a new part to allow the water to pass through the filter or whatever.

Friday he’ll also order that movie and on Saturday, he’ll finish up stringing the phone wires at Mary’s house and now their fucking toilet broke, so now that’s something else he’s got to fix. I told him that once he fixed his timing belt on the car there’d be something else, but can anyone in this family, other than Tom, fix or do some project themselves?

I can’t believe I forgot to mention the new hole I installed in the cage I last got for Teddy Bear. I’ve been using the hole that’s supposed to be for the wheel that comes with the cage, to serve him treats through. The idiots who designed this cage designed the walls at a slant. Therefore, he never liked this wheel, I believe, cuz of the way it’s tipped at such an angle that doesn’t really allow him to stay on the thing. I didn’t want to put the wheel on that side of the cage, anyway, cuz then the back of the wheel would be facing me and it also needs to be on that side where the side hole’s facing right, cuz that’s the only area I can extend to. I mean, I could reverse the setup and put the aquarium on my desk and run it the other way, but the aquarium would hog up my desk space. With the shelves, though, I can put stuff under them.

Well, I’m glad Tom didn’t ask me how I made this hole, cuz he wouldn’t like it. I burned it through with a cigarette, which took forever as this plastic’s tough, then I used a metal nail file to widen and smooth the hole. But once I got that done, I still had the problem with the wheel I wanted to use besides his pink one, cuz this is a killer wheel. It was still tilted. But I just pushed it out by taping magnets to the wall of the cage to level it out. The top of it rubs against the wall a little bit, but this wheel runs so slickly that it doesn’t matter. I need to file the purple wheel Mary gave me some more to make that one run more smoothly, too.

It’s now the coolest it’s been in months and I’ve got the AC off in the back room and the main AC turned way down. That won’t last long, as the dogs are gonna start barking any second, so I’ll turn the fan on. In another couple of hours or so from now, there will be peace from dogs, so then I can turn the fan off, too. They’re home next door at this time, so the dog will be yipping away for the attention it won’t get, till they crash, and they crash pretty early. They’re lucky they don’t work at home all day and then stay up all night!

I got a letter yesterday from Kim. She enclosed a picture of a flower-shaped cutout. It had a Chinese yin-yang in the center of it and its petals were of a colorful marble-like design. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it, but I’ll find something to decorate it with.

As for the pictures that I use as screen savers - I cropped some of them and also deleted some I got sick of. I still have a much wider selection of pictures than I did before, though, of about 30 pictures.

Andy gave me Sandy’s email address and I sent her a message to let her know that Andy’s trip will be delayed another couple of weeks, but that he’ll let her know what’s going on as soon as he knows. I told her she could pass along any messages for him and that I’d pass along to her any messages he may have.

I can’t believe Tom read a John Saul book, but he did. This is the one that I wouldn’t read, that was sort of like science fiction.

From 6 PM-9:30 PM, that dog just won’t shut the fuck up, so I just turned on some music. At least it’s not in the carport.

I’ve gone “Gizzying” and have set up the trap in the garage just in case I can catch a mouse, now that the cage is escape-proof like never before. I don’t regret setting Gizzy free, since that’s what he wanted, but I sure do wish he could see all the new additions and enjoy them, while I enjoy the fact that I don’t have to worry about him escaping. Anyway, I doubt I’ll catch a mouse at this time of year, but we’ll see.

They have a few movies that they run each month on one of the pay-per-view channels and for the next 6 months, we get a free movie. So, this month I’m gonna check out a movie that he’s gonna call in and order tomorrow. Then, we’ll pick one out again in October.

The unavailable calls that we’ve been getting daily for months have changed. Before, they’d hang up before the machine would come on, but now they hang on the machine for a few seconds before hanging up. You can tell by all the voices that it’s a business, but I still think it’s someone we know playing games. Tom disagrees and I know people are pushy and greedy when it comes to sales, but it’s just a feeling I get. If it isn’t someone he knew or knows, then the only two people I can think of that’d know this number as I said before, would be Fran and Jenny, but Fran would never be working telemarketing.

As I said, it’s been drier and cooler and I wish Tom would let us switch to the EC, but he says it’s best to wait a little while longer. Well, they say that Hurricane Nora that’s coming off the Pacific could cause us to have wind and rain on Wednesday and even more so on Thursday, but I don’t buy it. That’s what they said about Hurricane Linda, but we didn’t get shit. Most of the time they cry storm it never happens. That’s cuz they have to give people the worst possible scenario, even if it’s very unlikely.

Yesterday’s sex was the same old shit. What else is new?! I still should be using my best judgment and doing right by my husband who can’t speak for himself and since he thinks I can get pregnant, I should make sure we don’t screw during prime time. So, if I were all-woman and could conceive, then today and tomorrow would be risky like yesterday was. Tuesdays are when he’s the most tired, so we won’t be doing anything today for sure, but if he approaches me tomorrow, I’m not gonna be too nice to say no. If he can’t say no to the things he really doesn’t want to do, then I will. Yesterday he wouldn’t even stay on top that long at all and old scaredy-cat here wouldn’t cum, of course. Then he went and blamed it on eating too much. That was 3 hours ago from when we screwed, though. Excuses, excuses. Then he said again, that upon waking up and upon winding down for bed would be the best time for sex. Yeah, till he found excuses to make with that.

When I left Andy a message on what I believe was Friday night, I told him that unless he had something important to tell me or was really depressed and needed to talk, I’d call him Monday or Tuesday. Hoping that for once and for all, he’d take the hint, but what did he do? He left a message late last night, in a fine mood, just to tell me I could have Sandy’s email address if I wanted it. Sandy, who’s gay, lives out in Hyannis, MA, I believe, unless she moved back to Springfield and she’s been a friend of Andy’s for a while. I don’t believe I ever met her, but I’ve met this girl named Nancy she used to be with and I guess this Nancy character turned out to be a thief and a liar and even a bit violent. I’ve seen pictures of Sandy and she’s not butchy or feminine. She’s just there, plain and boring. Anyway, Andy said he got her email address and said that we could be pen pals and I could give regular updates on his life to her. When I call him Monday or Tuesday, like I said I would, I’ll let him know that I don’t want her just for the sake of a pen pal, but that I’ll give her any messages he may have.

Tom explained to me something that he’s tried to explain to me that I’d just laugh at. I didn’t and would never laugh when he told me he had meningitis when he was around 5, nor would I laugh at how it affected sound signals within the brain, but I had always laughed when he told me it made him hyper. He was even on medication himself for a little while. He described himself to be just like I’ve always been - racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating, etc. The reason I had laughed was cuz this guy’s always been the opposite of me as far as how calm, quiet and less talkative he’s always been and he’s never seemed to have any trouble concentrating in the way I have. Hell, he can read and watch TV at the same time. He said that this is one of the reasons he can’t keep the back room organized. He said he just can’t concentrate. But I’ve seen him concentrate on hard tasks before, so if he’s just saying this cuz he really doesn’t want to do it, I don’t know.

I asked him how it cannot show with him and how he’s able to appear the exact opposite of hyper and he said it took years of concentration and that it’s something he always works on concentrating on so he can do things without his mind drifting off like mine does a lot. Then I made some comment about why he doesn’t concentrate on the kind of sex he says he wants and he said something about all his energy tied up in concentrating on controlling his hyped-up state of mind. Another excuse? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.

Remember how I said that he went on and on about how much having a home business meant to him and that that’s why I shouldn’t be getting mail here in bogus names (so as to not appear suspicious and like scammers)? Well, he contradicted that statement last night when he said that as long as he’s with me, that’s just a minor and unimportant thing. I’m flattered to be his #1 and he’s my #1, but I wonder if he changed his story about the home business idea in the hopes of me thinking more about him and less of a kid and how our sex lives are. Get it? So I’d do more talking about how important he is and less talking about sex/kid so he doesn’t have to hear it and deal with it. He is my #1 and he is the most important thing. My only beef with him, besides my beef with God, is that he stops lying and denying his fears and lack of desire for normal full-time sex and a kid. That’s all.

He reminded me of how I made the choice to get married and stay in this marriage, knowing how our sex lives were up front. Yes, I did. And yes, if God and Tom have decided that my being with Tom means never having a child and never going to a doctor about it, then yes, I choose my husband over a child any day. God wouldn’t allow me to have a child no matter who I was or wasn’t with, but for the love of my husband, who’s the only one I ever seriously wanted a kid with, I’d give that up, even if I could have a child if that’d make him happy. I began my talk about my desire to have a child in my early-mid 20s, but the desire to have one before I met Tom and after meeting him, is like the difference between night and day. There’s no comparison. But due to my love for him, I won’t have a child and I won’t go to the doctor. Not even if I could fight fate and win. Not as long as he doesn’t want that, but I just wish he’d come out and say so!

Another thing that kind of bugged me when he mentioned how I chose to get married knowing how our sex lives were, was that I trusted him. It was rather naïve of me to trust him, but when he told me he’d cum and cum regularly, I believed him and took him for face value.

Anyway, like I said before, I’m not about to live the rest of my life with these bitter and resentful feelings towards both God and Tom. I don’t want to live with the frustration, anger, sadness and feelings of what I’ve been cheated out of having. I may have been denied one of nature’s most precious gifts, but I’m not gonna give God, the devil, whoever the fuck it is, the satisfaction of seeing it get to me. As for Tom, if I just remind myself that I don’t want this as much as I used to, which is true, and of what a lousy mom I’d really have made, and of what it’d do to us physically and mentally, and of how he’s my #1 and therefore, I have no right to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do, I can live more peacefully. I guess in a sense, I owe him. Meaning, he has more of a right to take away something from me (if God already hadn’t) than I do to make him do something he doesn’t want to do. The man takes care of me, after all. If it weren’t for him, I’d have no place to live, no food to eat, and no animals, computers, and so much more.

Now here’s something that’ll be quite the shocker, since I always used to bitch about it. I was pissed last night that he wouldn’t touch me cuz of his anger and I felt spited, but today’s little tease was actually a blessing. He came out of the shower naked and when he does that, that usually means he’s gonna go straight to the bed for us to have fun but instead, he sat down in front of the TV. Then after a little while, he said he was going to lie down. I kind of felt apprehensive about this, cuz I was not only not in the mood to screw, but it’s not always so easy to bounce right back into the sack with him after last night and knowing that this same old cycle’s gonna go on and on and on. I guess in a way I can relate to his inability to express his true feelings about the idea of a normal full-time sex life and the idea of a child, cuz I know how hard it is to look the one you love in the eye and say “no” to something you know that they really want that you don’t want.

Well, this is when we ended up having our little chat about his hyper side and how he deals with it and it was actually kind of nice. The closeness and conversation mean a lot to me, too, besides the actual sex acts and I didn’t feel as self-conscious as I thought I would. Sometimes talking with him can be like walking on eggshells, cuz where I’m really picky about the housekeeping in here, he’s really picky about what’s said to him and how it’s said. Nonetheless, I don’t think he did have any intentions of touching me, but I’m sure he wouldn’t have stopped me if I had touched him. He’d just have no doubt had a hard time getting and staying hard and he sure as hell wouldn’t have cum. So, like I said, I kind of know what it’s like not to say no to someone you love, cuz there’s been times when he’s initiated sex when I wasn’t in the mood, but out of my love for him, I couldn’t say no. I still enjoy the touching and whatever we do, even if I don’t always get off. I do get off most of the time, though. So, I wouldn’t have said no to him if he’d touched me, even though he’s not your typical male who would’ve had a problem with that, and even though he cums so rarely, but I would say no to something as serious as a child if I didn’t want that.

I’m also doing something that I should’ve done a long time ago. Again, all in the love for this man. I started to pick up the phone and do it the night we had our spat, but he said no, and I put the phone down. He said he’s not telling me what to do and that I have to make up my own mind about dumping Kim. Sure I do. Sure he can’t tell me what to do. It’s my decision, and as much as I love Kim dearly, this decision just doesn’t break my heart like the idea of it did after the shit with her, Phil and Alex first went down, and that’s cuz my love for him has grown over time.

I still believe what I believe and that’s that Tom got jealous and I know that we all didn’t do a damn thing wrong, let alone do anything wrong deliberately. Tom’s not as jealous as he used to be, now that he knows and trusts me more, but I’m no idiot, either. He said he can sleep through noise he knows is gonna occur while he’s asleep. Yeah? He sure did sleep well through those damn Mormon’s kids screaming that he knew was gonna occur and they made way more noise than the 4 of us did and he knew that that’d occur, too. So, nothing’s changed as far as what I believe, but I’m gonna stop all contact with Kim. Alex only occasionally emails me and that I can deal with and that’s not obvious to Tom, as it is when Kim calls or writes. If Tom feels so hurt by these people, then I don’t want these people connected to me and therefore connected to Tom, no matter who I believe was in the right. Tom’s voice is back on our outgoing message and I told him to ignore any calls that may come in with her number. I’ll no longer write to her, either, and as much as I’ll miss her and as much as I love this dear friend of mine (not that I ever expected to see her again), she’s just gonna have to wonder what the hell ever happened to me just like Bob will (thank God Phil wasn’t a friend of mine prior to his coming here!). This is what I want and the way it has to be from now on.

Later...

I feel a little guilty about dumping Kim, I’ll honestly say, but what the hell? I mean, Jenny dumped me after a 12-year friendship. She ended up doing me a favor, which I would’ve done if she hadn’t, seeing that we weren’t getting along, but I know I’m doing the right thing and what’s best. I have the good times to remember and who knows? Maybe our spirits really do meet up with those we knew somehow, somewhere, after we die. Maybe I’ll see her in the sky someday or wherever we go when we’re done with our bodies. That is, if such a thing really exists and if God doesn’t burn me in hell or reincarnate me.

The maroon car visited later in the evening, but other than that, I haven’t heard any doors or barks since I’ve been up and have been up since 1:45 PM. I’m still just about positive that they got the dog under control. If it had really run off, they’d have been over here asking questions. If it did run off, and like I said, I’m sure it didn’t, God’s gonna replace that with something else. What would they do if it really ever ran off, I wonder, besides accusing me? Would they get a new dog? Or would they crank the music back up?

Later...

Yup, the dog’s next door and probably in the carport. Of course, or else they’d be blasting music and knocking on this door about it.

Well, since it can see more than those two dogs can from its position, I just hope nothing goes on in the streets at night to stir it up like stray dogs or cats roaming around much, and thank God they’re not home much during the daytime which would cause it to bark more for attention. Even if a dog is used to its surroundings, it will bark if someone or something passes nearby. So, something must’ve set the beast off 3 weeks ago for it to suddenly decide to pitch a fit at 2 AM.

Other than that, all’s been peaceful with our sick little fucks. That maroon car came to see them last night, but the door slamming has been at a minimum. Even though I’d still take anything over bass, oh how I still miss those months when there was no car or dog! Well, even if he moves - the dog won’t. Also, as it continues to cool down, the boys will be back to play ball and no new and unfamiliar car will stop them, either. They’ll just go ask permission to play and she’ll gladly give it to them. Especially on account of me. I’m sure the lock’s long gone now, too.

I was surprised to get on AOL so easily at 9:33 on a Sunday night. Sometimes it’s impossible to get on for 20 minutes, other times you get right on. AOL’s got their asses covered now. No one can sue them anymore cuz now they claim that you can’t necessarily get online on the first try. They could’ve saved themselves 4 million bucks if they’d just said that up front.

For the first time in months, it was actually a bit chilly out when I just went outside for a moment. That fall feeling is just starting to set in and it’s now just about dark at 7:00. Of course, if someone just went outside in Massachusetts, it’d be a lot more than just a bit chilly!

Oh, what a night it’s been so far! Before I get into it, let me update on next door first. There have been no door slams yet, but the little beast apparently got loose last night at around 4 AM. Both Tom and I could hear it yipping away out in the street. Guess hooking dogs to cars doesn’t work very well. Right after I last wrote, at around 8-something, I heard a couple of doors, then again at 10-something.

So, I ran and prayed to God that the dog would run like hell and never be found (of course, I’m sure that if that had happened they’d think that I was behind it), but I know better. I’m sure it just hung out by the house and was leashed back down later. I thought I heard a couple of barks earlier, but am not totally sure it was that dog. It could’ve been the old man’s dog since the barks are similar.

Other than that it’s been surprisingly quiet so far, throughout the weekend and I guess that that means that they think I’m gonna do something, so they’re behaving so it won’t look bad for them in the court they think they’re gonna have to take me to.

Yesterday I got 9 Christmas labels from the address label company I use. I put 5 of them in journals and I guess I’ll use the rest on Kim and Paula. The Wildlife Federation also sent me animal stickers and address labels. Again, the stickers, which were of daisies, wolves, rabbits, ducks, birds and fish, went in journals and on envelopes. With them and the HS taking care of me, I don’t need to order new fancy labels from Colorful Images, and besides, I don’t write many letters anymore.

Once again, something’s acting like I’m not sterile and like it not only wants to prevent a pregnancy here but prevent us from having a full-time sex life. It’s like something was up there saying, “Oh yeah? That’s what you think!” when we said we were gonna “just do it.” Why?! When is it ever gonna leave us alone?!

We were talking about Cindy, who went over and talked and talked Ma’s ear off cuz she has no friends. I then asked him why he didn’t have friends, besides me, of course. He said it was cuz I’d get jealous. I told him I wouldn’t and that I trusted him. Then I told him that I thought that that was his department and reminded him of how he’s shown jealousy of Kim in the past, which he denies. Then he got angry and said he was going to bed. I told him that I thought he said he didn’t spite me out of anger, so what’s the big deal? I just couldn’t figure out why he was so angry and he said it was cuz I brought up the past when Kim, Phil and Alex visited. He said he’s never gotten over that and that we’ll always disagree about what happened and that we deliberately were disrespectful and did this deliberately, which is such bullshit. Kim, Phil, Alex and I have better things to do than intentionally fuck someone over. Rather than stick around to make him miserable, I’d never have been here in the first place and I asked him, “What? Do you think I deliberately fucked you over?” “You’ve been doing it for years,” he said. Now that really hurt. If I’ve been deliberately fucking him over for years, then how can he say he loves me? And what am I doing here? Because he loves me, he says, and chose to move on.

Well, first of all, I thought we had agreed that we could talk about things we disagree on without getting each other angry. He said we could express our thoughts even if we disagreed and I did not bring it up to deliberately anger him. He said he understood that, but it’s things like this that make me believe all the more that cuz of this and other things, he’s deliberately spiting me by having our sex lives be the way it is and by making sure I don’t get pregnant (not that I could or that God would allow us a normal sex life and a child).

So, he said he was sorry for getting angry, although he couldn’t help his feelings, and I said I was sorry too, and wished I’d known better and was sorry for yelling at him and calling him names, but when am I ever gonna learn to stick to what I say and just forget about having sex with this man and move on? I don’t want sex or a child, whether that’s possible or not, with a man who feels I’ve deliberately hurt him and with a man that I believe is out to spite me and deny me the things I’ve wanted real bad, cuz of any hardships that I’ve unknowingly and unintentionally placed on him.

He said he wasn’t trying to spite me and it was just that love, sex and anger didn’t mix for him. Well, he can do what he wants and I told him so, but not only am I very self-conscious of what I say, but I’m also all the more paranoid and suspicious of his true intentions with me and it just makes me all the more OK with not having normal full-time sex and a child and that bed and the gum to try to quit smoking and a job or anything. I just don’t want to do anything.

Maybe it’s all in his subconscious and he’s not consciously aware of what he’s doing, but he’s been jerking me around and contradicting me in matters of sex and a kid since 1993, and I’m really afraid that this is gonna lead to me not only never touching him again, but lead to me wanting to cheat on him (not that the world of lesbianism and God’s opinion on that, when it concerns me, has changed). I haven’t seriously wanted to, but what if I do? What if I want to cheat on him? What if I want to leave him? I love this man to death, in spite of all I feel he’s done to me both wonderful and not, but how many years does he think he can do this to me and expect me not to develop desires of cheating and or leaving?

Well, if he loves me so much, as he says he does, and if he really doesn’t want to lose me, then after all these years, he’ll change. I don’t know if God will let him, cuz God doesn’t want me involved in any kind of a normal sex life. Never has. Never will. But maybe his actions will someday match a bit closer to his words, even if that idea is just one big dream in my mind.

Although his ways help an awful lot to snuff the intensity of my dreams for a child and for normal sex as the years pass by, how would he like to die and come back as a woman and get the same treatment? How would he like to be spited sexually and made to feel like an abnormal, freaky, fluke of nature and have his dream denied? All with the help of God while the guy ran around saying that everything was fine and remained in denial year after year and refused to get help. Even if God didn’t deny him that dream, a guy like this would.

And when am I gonna have the self-respect I strived for so many years to obtain and stop letting this man, who’s just as guilty as God is, and who stole then snuffed my dreams from me, take advantage of me? If I could just get myself to quit any sex forever with him, he can’t have the satisfaction of spiting me, but you know what? He’d go and spite me some other way. If he’s that determined to spite me, he will one way or the other and perhaps the only reason he supports me and doesn’t push me into getting a job, is so he can have me available for him to spite, and maybe a little bit out of guilt, too. He denies it (not that someone spiting another would ever fess up) and says he’s got better things to do with his life, but that’s like someone saying they’re wearing a red shirt that’s really blue.

Andy’s here now, checking out stuff on the web. He got here about 20 minutes before Tom left for work, with a shirt from Laura. It’s a short cotton, wide-necked shirt with short fringes.

Andy really liked the latest wall art and the new journals.

I really worry about him at times, though. I said I’d introduce him to Spunky and he said I already did, though I know I didn’t. And he asked me if I met Laura before.

Good, God! Is he that bored and lonely? Or does he have a brain tumor? I hear him talking to himself, too. That’s fine. We all do that every now and then, but I’ve never heard him at it like this before.

Later...

Andy just left, after I printed out an article for him.

I got an early 80s CD in the mail from Columbia House’s series. Unfortunately, there are only a couple of songs on it I like and I already have them on tape. They’re still nice to have on CD.

Little did I know that it’d be Tom reading John Saul’s new book, but he’s been reading it and he says it’s OK.

The Blackstone Chronicles are great. The usual to be expected from him. I finished part 5 and am now on 6 - the conclusion. Then, it’s back to my second Clare McNally book.

Hopefully, this upcoming trip of Andy’s will “set his head straight,” so to speak. I told him I worry about him for saying he’s seen this new GP and even he said he worries about himself.

On his way out the door, he told me he had a phone card so maybe he’ll call me from the beach.

Oh, God! Give me a break! We talk enough here.

When he returns, though, I’ll be made to make up for lost time. He’ll want to talk for an hour at the very, very least for a good 3 days in a row.

I’ll sign off now hoping for a third peaceful weekend, but I think that’s really pushing it.

I guess we’re gonna be going to look at beds this Sunday, but I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, but bye-bye!

Later...

This last book of Saul’s 6-part series really makes me wonder more about my worst fears - divine retribution. You don’t run around sterilizing people for no reason. Or hexing them sexually. Or knocking an ear off. Or killing two kids. Especially when it’s all in the same family, too. So, knowing that there’s an obvious curse in my family when it comes to kids and sex, I think that someone in the family, long before I was born, had to do quite a number on some children sexually and so Tammy, Larry and I are paying for it. My sister can’t cum, my sex life’s been a fluke, two of Larry’s kids were killed, then there’s my ear and my sterility. So something up there obviously felt the need to get us sexually and where kids are concerned.

Alright, I’m not gonna sit and listen to the door slamming that just started, so I’ll go listen to music, then return later.

Later...

Tom got his car fixed but needs a good two hours to put it back together. So, due to having to do that and his having to string those phone wires at Mary’s house, we won’t be going to look at beds this weekend. I also wonder, as I’ve said before, if he’s getting a touch of cold feet.

Earlier we agreed again that we could talk about the things we want to do all we want, but this time, for once and for all, we’re gonna do them too, but this is still one big joke after all these years. If something hasn’t wanted us to do the things we’ve wanted to do at this point, then we never will. I told him, “We’ll do what we say we’re gonna do as long as we’re comfortable with it.” Then he said, “We’ll try our best to do what we want to do and not worry about what we have no control over and just deal with it as best we can.” In other words, what he’s really trying to say is that he has no control over his fears and lack of desire to cum much, so he won’t, and we’ll just deal with that. “I can’t guarantee you’ll get pregnant this month,” he said during our Tuesday chat. Really? No shit!!!

A year ago, some old lady came to Ma’s house. She lived there in the late 1920s and she wanted to look around. Just recently, ma was reading up on some old lady who was writing an autobiography, and parts of it were published in this paper. It said that the lady said she grew up in Phoenix and was describing how much it had changed over the years. She said she also went to visit the old house she grew up in and guess what? It was Ma’s house. She recognized the lady’s picture in the paper. Pretty neat.

The dog may have been in the carport last night, although I’m not sure, didn’t bark during the day and just a little bit in the evening. If that household is as empty as I think it is during the weekdays, it won’t bark as much as the two dogs do, cuz where those dogs live, there are always some there 24/7. I think it’s another Mormon family there and that they home-teach their kids. I don’t think they ever leave the house and if they do, it might only be for something like church or doctor’s appointments.

I would say that if they’re gonna be seeking revenge on me, it’ll be this weekend. I disagree with Tom, as far as how he says they wouldn’t make it obvious and it wouldn’t be deliberately aimed at me. I know a lot of it is cuz they just don’t care, rather than that they’re aiming it at me, but I think some of the things they’ve done have been deliberately aimed at me and very obvious, too.

Lately, I’ve been hearing horns honking a few times a day. I can’t say for sure which house it’s honking at, but it seems too coincidental, if you ask me, right after our little spat. From what it sounds like, it sounds like she gets dropped off, then this horn honks. Get it? As if she told the driver to do that for her in regard to me.

Tom said that that could be her brother named Michael for all we know and as I said before, some things have changed since this dude moved in. This teenage boy is suddenly there, there are car doors slamming instead of music, there’s this dog, the black guy that was talking to the white guy and then there were the boxes and the U-Haul. My guess, though, is that it is the Mike who first moved in.

The more I think about the feeling I have about them moving in December, the more it doesn’t make sense. Subsidized houses aren’t too easy to come by, therefore, if that’s really the case with them, why would they want to give that all up after just a year and a half? Another weird thing, though, is that if it were just her and her daughter to get the house subsidized (it’s her house and not his), then why would they give her a 3-bedroom, unless this teenage boy’s been there all along? And if the boy’s been there all along, why haven’t I seen him before? And if he did move in when Mike moved back in, why hasn’t he constantly played basketball?

Later...

Right after I last wrote there were at least two door slams, then 4 or 5 more at 7:30, which I thought was their weekend company finally come to return, but it wasn’t. Then I heard another car door a little while ago. Even at 11:15 last night, I heard one. How can I think this isn’t both obvious and deliberate? Newer car doors shut easily and quietly so it’s pretty obvious that this motherfucker’s deliberately slamming doors pretty hard and I highly doubt he just has to “get things” from his car this often. Yeah, I know you’re there you sick fuck!

I just heard the dog which will hopefully settle down for the night like it has been that I know of since that other night and it may be in the carport. For some reason, it’s kind of hard to tell, but I’d guess that 3 nights ago they moved it back to this very unusual spot. About 45 minutes ago I heard doors and someone rummaging around there (hooking the dog to their car), then some plastic-like object sliding, like maybe a dog bowl or a shit scooper. So, even though they may have an enemy that they fear may approach the house by way of the front or the back, it’s rather obvious that they put the dog there with the hopes that it’ll annoy me (although, Tom says that once a dog gets used to a new place, it’ll settle down in a day or two and I guess it already has). I mean, think about it - who would choose to put their dog and its shit and piss on concrete where you park your car, over grass? On the grass, the shit and piss won’t run and smear all over the concrete and the car’s wheels. It’s easier to scoop shit off of grass, and since you can’t scoop up every bit of it unless it’s super hard, it’ll get rained on, but what are they gonna do? Mop their carport regularly or hose it down, since it can’t rain in there, all in regard to me? And have it reek of piss which could seep into the ground if they had it where the grass is?

Yup, pretty sick fucks we got over there.

Anyway, a thought crossed my mind and made me wonder if maybe they want me to shoot their dog so they can take legal action against me. Maybe they do want an excuse. They obviously don’t give a shit about the dog, anyway, to be leaving it outside 24/7, so are their hopes of me shooting it and taking me to court more important than the dog? It looks that way not that I own a gun or would shoot it if I did.

The block wall runs from the front of the house, past it and to the end of the backyard. Their carport runs just about the length of the house and in the winters, he’s always parked the car just outside of the carport, where any door slamming isn’t as loud cuz it’s not parallel to the block wall and therefore, can’t funnel and enhance sound so much. However, and even though these are summer people, this winter may be different. The more I think about it, the more I don’t see them giving up a chance at a subsidized house so soon and they may very well be here till we move, so who knows what the December feeling’s all about and if he is here this winter, I think he’ll still park deep in the carport, parallel to the back room, so he can hook the beast to it and so I can hear the doors better.

Depending on what they do from here on out, I don’t know just how easy it’ll be to keep my promise to Tom and to do the right thing if there really is a right thing I can do, and if Tom really will help me. Sometimes I just think it’d be easier to go over there and beat the snot out of them. I can’t see them calling the cops on me for it. I think they’d be too embarrassed.

I’ve been meaning to mention, but have kept forgetting, how much better my voice has become over the last year or two. Yes, I still can’t get through a song without having to stop and clear my throat, and I still have coughing and congestion that go with smoking, but nowadays, I’m almost never tight. More than half the time back east, it’d feel like a pitchfork was lodged in my throat, but now it’s almost always nice and open.

Tom put this really cool thing in my world that clears the scoreboard of that tiles game I like. My speed is so fast that I fill up the scoreboard and can’t get humanly faster enough to get into it, so I can clear it whenever I want at the click of a button.

He went to the library and picked up the remaining two parts of The Blackstone Chronicles and his latest book - The Presence. Again, another disappointment. I thought that The Presence meant I was in for one of his typical and great ghost stories, but nope. This is more like some science fiction crap that deals with some volcano erupting in Hawaii. Both Black Lightning, which was a murder mystery and this, has been disappointing and I hope he goes back to his usual style like with The Blackstone Chronicles, Suffer the Children, Nathaniel, Second Child, Comes the Blind Fury, Punish the Sinners, etc.

That book I just read called Ghost Light by Clare McNally was great and I’m starting her Stage Fright book and hope to read others by her that seem to be mainly supernatural terror.

The freeloader’s beast was back in the carport last night in the early evening. From about 9:30 on, I didn’t hear anything, but I don’t know. I don’t know what these assholes are up to and how people can be so rude, inconsiderate and just not give a damn about others, but I am gonna have them served if they or their dog become a problem. This is twice that I know of, that they’ve had this beast in the carport. Why such an odd place? Perhaps they’re scared of someone and perhaps that’s why they sometimes have it there so that the dog can see anyone approaching both the back and front of the house. After all, people like this do tend to make enemies. They just have a total “fuck you” attitude and it’s too bad that’s her dog and not his. It has to be her dog, cuz of how she said, “If anything happens to my dog,” and not “the dog,” or “this dog,” or “that dog.” If he left, that would cut out the door slamming and company, but the dog would still be there.

I asked Tom to see if he could find out at the library who owns that house and if there was maybe a landlord or someone we could call if we needed to, but as I expected, he said he’d be tired and would just want to run and grab books, then leave. Yes, I’m sure he was tired, but I also know he doesn’t want to do this, cuz I’ve mentioned it in the past. I wish he’d just say no to the things he doesn’t want to do!

I have a slight to moderate vibe that they may move in December. Of course, I don’t know if this really means someone’s gonna move in or out of that household like it’s meant in the past when I’ve gotten these feelings, but I still hope they move. I know God would replace me with neighbors with lots of little screaming kids, ball games and dogs worse than this, but the stress of any possible bass might be worth it and it just plain and simply nerves me up to know I live 3 feet away from people that are sick fucks who don’t give a shit. I mean, these are the types of people that for all I know, could shoot up the house or try burning it down. They are sick! They have no sense of empathy, guilt or feelings for others. No respect and no consideration whatsoever.

I’ve heard talk about this, but according to an ad in the TV guide, they have a brand of cigarette out now that’s 100% tobacco with no additives. I can’t wait to try these.

Now, for my pain in the ass best friend - well, I still wish he wouldn’t call 6 times like he did yesterday and leave me 3 messages in a day. I’ve told him before... I’m too busy and am just not into playing phone, but he just doesn’t care or get it. This shit he tells me can usually wait and I just wish he’d cut his calls/messages down to once or twice a week. This telling him one thing, then him doing another, may be connected to his memory loss problem that he says is getting worse, but I don’t know. His memory’s not that bad and he’s not stupid either, so I just think it’s a case of utter boredom and him just doing as he wishes to do.

He still doesn’t know when he’s leaving but will be leaving within two weeks, although he says he doesn’t feel like he’s gonna be leaving at all. Well, I’ll be looking forward to him and Michelle not only getting the new car and seeing Xena and Stevie but also the break from the constant calls/messages. Sometimes a few days will pass when I don’t hear from him, but these few days that pass just aren’t often enough. It doesn’t mean I’m sick of him or don’t want to hear what he has to say, it’s just that he goes on and on and I’m just not into sitting on the phone for 1-3 hours like he still is.

Anyway, he told me he’s always had memory problems so it can’t be all pot-related, then he outgrew it for a while and now it’s back stronger than ever. He ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then couldn’t remember what he’d just eaten afterward. He’d go to call someone and forget who he’d be calling as the phone started ringing. He’d forget people’s appetizers at work before their main courses. So, we discussed the possibilities - the pot, the stress, the loneliness, a physical problem, but then Tom told me later that to him, it sounded like pure boredom. I think he’s right. This guy is very lonely with no life other than his work and pot. I feel bad for him. My life changed out here and his didn’t. He’s still into the same old things with the same old losers and it’s kind of sad. I may have a fluke of a sex life, no chance at having a child, and my own moments of feeling like I have a stagnant life but still, unlike him, I do have a life. Even he admits he doesn’t like doing anything. He hates writing, and reading and has no computer to enjoy.

Well, Andy will be enjoying the computer tonight, more than likely, to check out Stevie. He said he’d be by between 10 PM-midnight, but that depends on if he can use Laura’s car.

There goes door slam number two from next door just now. So, about 4 more to go.

Later...

Andy may be here between now and midnight. More like 11:00 to midnight. If not, I guess he’ll visit tomorrow night. I’d prefer him to come over when Tom’s not asleep, though, so he can see the latest wall art in the bedroom.

I read that ad wrong. It didn’t say 100% tobacco with no additives; it said 100 % tobacco with no additives. So, I guess they still contain nicotine. I wonder when they’re gonna come out with cigarettes that don’t have any nicotine? What’s taking so long?

Got a letter from Kim a couple of days ago and she sent two pictures. She still looks the same, as far as her clothing styles go, and she might’ve lost a bit of weight, but yes, her hair is different. It’s almost to the middle of her back and it’s quite thin, compared to mine, but it does look a lot better than the short curly layers. I’ll have to ask her where these pictures were taken and who the two guys are that are standing by her in one of them. I guess one of them would be Walter, but she didn’t say.

Yesterday after Tom got home, we had a talk. I know it was just that - talk, but it still made me feel better, cuz I was feeling a bit down again. I still know damn well that full-time normal sex and a child aren’t in our cards, whether or not we get the bed, but sometimes it helps to talk about things you can’t have, anyway. Of course, my dear, sweet, loving husband was going along with me, not cuz he didn’t know any better, but cuz he wanted to cheer me up, too, and I do appreciate this. It’s not like he was kidding me with anything I really believed could or would happen when he told me what I wanted to hear and what I wished could really happen.

He told me, “he’s been ready” and that he was just waiting till I’d simmer down the anger, yelling, and name-calling spells. He said, “Do it.” If I want more sex and to see who’s right - just do it. I know that’s easier said than done and I know who’s right, but the most important thing is that I felt better. It’s important that I learn things to make me feel better whenever I feel brought down by what I can’t have and any abnormalities I have to live with. This is all I can do for the rest of my life so that I can keep on going and keep on living life.

When David lived here, he put up two little old ugly ceiling fans/lights in the back room. Well, one of them broke completely and the other’s screwed up, old, ugly and not worth fixing, so we’re gonna get a new light, that’ll hopefully match the one Tom just got and replaced one of them with. It’s a nice fluorescent light, but it’s very dim. It’s not a good reading or writing light at all, but it’s good to enhance the two lamps we’ve had in here for projects like redesigning Teddy Bear’s cage. Again these are just lights we’re replacing this with and not lights with fans, so we’ll buy another fan on a stand for back here if we want.

Tom did a great job of installing it and it also looks really nice. It’s very modern and does a lot to help the looks of this old, dark, ugly room. I say old, cuz the room’s old. I say ugly, cuz it is. I say dark, cuz most of the walls back here have brown paneling and the two long windows in front and one window that’s on the side facing the assholes, are up high. There are also two smaller ones that used to look out onto W. Weldon. That was before the garage was put up to replace the carport. One early evening David was out, someone broke in through the side door of the house that’s off the kitchen, leading to the garage. I’m glad David had a pool and a garage put in, but I still can’t wait to move to something bigger and more modern and that doesn’t have a house 3 feet away. If we had had a kid, the spacing of the houses wouldn’t matter, cuz our own house would be filled with lots of noise of its own, so then I’d just have wanted something bigger and more modern.

Believe it or not, we screwed yesterday, but if it had been left up to him, I’m sure we wouldn’t have. I went and told him that since we both say we want more fun, why not take this time while we’re both awake and available to do it before getting on with other stuff? So, we did and there was the usual excuse alright, but guess what? It wasn’t his! No, thanks to our beautiful God who always has to make sure there’s a problem, I was rather dry the last few times and the area was getting irritated. So I stopped him before it could get any worse, but fate will make sure there’s something else the next time.

We teased each other and Tom was saying I was scared. I reminded him that that’s his department and that if I thought I was OK and was really afraid to get pregnant, I wouldn’t have been scared yesterday, seeing that it’s the wrong time of the month for conception. On the other hand, I’m sure God would’ve made it the right time if he knew I didn’t want a child. I appreciated having a man so understanding and not bothered at all by the fact that I had to stop him, but that’s just it. He just seemed too elated to stop and although I’m blessed with a guy like him, it just doesn’t seem normal. Is there anything that’s ever been that normal when it comes to my life, anyhow? No, the bulk of my life and the bulk of those I’ve known were either very different or very abnormal. All in good and bad ways, but mostly bad. I’m not saying that Tom’s mostly bad, though, or else I wouldn’t be with him. It’s just that his ways in bed really make me wonder about him. All I ever seem to have when it comes to sex, Tom and God and the whole damn situation is suspicions, theories and questions, but never any answers. And wishes and complaints, but never any solutions.

Why does he want to see me hurt by him sending off messages about the bed changing our sex lives when I know it won’t? Sometimes I don’t know if it’s simply a case of over-optimism or overconfidence with him. He can’t be that naïve. I think deep down he knows better and only he can change our sex lives. And only God can allow us a child. Another way I can tell that God’s dead-set against us ever having a child and that it’s surely not meant to be is that I know God can do anything. Therefore, if it were really meant to be, he’d make sure that either one of his precum sperms had made a baby or one of the times he’s actually cum. He could help us if he wanted to. But he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want us to have a child.

Well, the effects of Hurricane Linda have brought some moisture and drizzle to PHX this morning. We’re not gonna get anything like the massive storm we got hit with last week. Tom said it’ll only storm like that once every 5 years. I can’t wait to see how the roof leak is doing at this point since Tom put all the coatings on, but it’ll have to do a little more than just drizzle before we can see how it’s working. I still won’t believe it’s fixed till I see it if I see it.

I chatted with Andy the other day. All’s fine at work as we figured it would be. He said yes, he’s made some comments to him, but not direct hits. Meaning, he wasn’t hitting on the guy cuz the guy wasn’t his type. The guy was talking about sex in general, as he says the whole restaurant always does, and Andy was simply responding back. Not hitting on him. But I guess like he said, the guy got mad at him for something else, so he took that as an opportunity to flatter himself.

He still doesn’t know when he’s leaving. He has to wait till his folks buy the new car and for Evan to send his plane pass so Andy can fly for only $60. This is cuz Evan’s a mechanic for United Airlines and Evan even has his own 3-seat plane that he built himself. Pretty good for a guy 13 years younger than Marla, much less mature than she is, and who’s just your typical male who thinks below the belt only at all times. I envy her, for that part of it, but at the same time, I know that if Tom turned into your average guy sexually, I’d get sick of that too, in time.

I never met Evan, but it seems he’s an odd pick for Marla. When they got married, Marla was mature, but he was still practically just a kid.

It was another very peaceful weekend here. The dog’s been fairly quiet in the days and all’s completely silent around here at night. Like I said, the winter will change all this, but all I ever heard all weekend was a couple of door slams. To my knowledge, they played no music and there was no company, either.

The fact that there hasn’t been any company or much door-slamming for two weekends in a row brings me to a few theories. If they’re not waiting to jump out at me with noise, after having me think all will remain peaceful, then maybe they’re keeping such a quiet low key in case I do shoot their dog. It wouldn’t look good in court for them if I said they’d been harassing me with noise. Or maybe they just don’t want to do anything to provoke me into not only shooting their dog, but me taking them to court. So, so far, it looks like they don’t want trouble any more than I do, which is cool with me.

OK, I guess that’s it, so now I might as well get into the usual topic of discussion. You got it - sex and a kid. Yesterday and the evening before that, I was kind of bothered again by the reality of the fact that there’s no full-time normal sex life for us or a kid. Still, I just don’t know what to truly believe. My mind goes back and forth from - if this guy wanted to fuck with you as far as sex and a kid goes, he would fuck with you in all areas and wouldn’t show such love, caring, understanding and so much more for you with non-related subjects. Then I go to - a bad person doesn’t have to be all bad and even those who are mostly of good intentions, have their flaws and dark sides. He’s a slick, smart guy who could easily bullshit you. Anyone can hurt you in a couple of areas, yet be so wonderful otherwise and you know how it is - if you can’t trust your own parents, who can you trust?

From now on, though, I’m gonna go by people’s actions and not their words, cuz actions speak louder than words. As long as his mouth says he wants normal sex full-time, but his actions don’t, I’m not gonna push it. And as long as his mouth says he wants a kid, but his actions don’t, I’m gonna avoid sex during prime time cuz he thinks I’m fertile. I really mean it when I say that his words say one thing and his actions say another. My husband who declares such horniness and such a desire for more sex, wouldn’t even go on top yesterday. He just got me off by going in our side position, then stopped a few minutes after I came saying something about his back being tired and not wanting to strain it so he has to sleep it off or get an injury. In other words, he wasn’t in the mood. Then right after this, he took a nap and I wouldn’t be surprised if he took care of himself. The only thing that doesn’t fit, is why would he worry now? He could get off in me if I was the most fertile woman in the world and nothing would happen.

And of course, he just had to go and break another promise. Today’s the day that was supposed to have been enough time for me to see how much more he suddenly squirts. Yeah, right! He’s so full of shit and although he can smoothly cover up his lies about wanting a kid and more sex, I still can see right through him as good as he is. So he’s a good liar, but a bad one, too. He knows that all I can do with what I see him do is suspect, but I can’t truly prove a damn thing, even if it is so obvious if that makes any sense. He’s not stupid, so no matter how obvious his actions are towards something, he’s not gonna admit what he’s really up to and what he really feels/wants and he’ll always make excuses in the meantime.

Even if I were OK, we could never have a child with the way our sex is, unless we got very lucky and had a good God on our side (or at least on my side) and he knows this. And if I’m not OK, but were fixable, even though I know I’m not OK and not fixable, we’ll never get to a doctor, cuz we’ll never have the full-time normal sex for a good solid year or so to see just who’s right, therefore, we can’t go to a doctor. We could, but we never will, cuz he’ll just keep on running around saying year after year that I’m fine and that we’ll have that normal full-time sex life. Meanwhile, the years will pass by and it’ll be too late to see a doctor about both the sex and the sterility, whether or not I really wanted to. I would think that most couples would’ve gone to a doctor about both the sex and the sterility a good two years ago, but this man obviously does not want a child, and doesn’t give a shit about normal full-time sex, therefore, he’s not gonna do a damn thing to help us. He’ll just do everything to prevent the pregnancy he thinks can occur, and also, everything to prevent finding out that just maybe I really am sterile, so he doesn’t have to deal with getting the help that he doesn’t want.

Just because I’m used to his lies pertaining to sex and a kid, doesn’t mean I have to hear it. I’m sick of him denying that there’s a problem here with both the sex and my plumbing and saying one thing while doing another. I’m tired of God’s lack of help and lack of caring and of Tom’s denial and fears holding us back from at least having normal sex. Regular sex where we both get off regularly. “Don’t worry at least for the next few months,” he had the nerve to say. Whether or not we get this bed, and it appears that that idea’s getting a little scary to him, since he’s made no move to take out a loan yet, along with the fact that he loves to make me wait on him, nothing’s gonna change. How stupid does he think I am? Does he really think he can keep lying to me and saying the same things and lies he’s been telling me from the get-go for the rest of our lives? He obviously does, cuz after 4 years, there’s still no end in sight to his lies. And still no sign of any God deciding to step in and help and end this one way or another, be it by me needing a hysterectomy, or by Tom changing and putting his actions where his mouth is, or by Tom admitting the truth. However, could it be, just could it be that yes, he held back from cumming altogether, then decide a few squirts here and there was OK cuz it wouldn’t be too bad of a time for a kid at that point should it happen, but was really just waiting for what he felt was the perfect time to really let go (the bed in this case)? Sounds too good to be true, so no, he is who he is and there’s no changing how he is and what he wants in bed, and as far as a kid goes.

Well, I’m not gonna humiliate myself and let him play me for a fool year after year. I mean, he’s won, he’s got me blocked in a corner and I can’t get out. I can’t yank the truth out of his mouth and I can’t make him put his actions where his mouth is, but until and if I ever see differently, and I know I won’t, he’s full of shit! So year after year, since this shit’s obviously never gonna end and get old in Tom’s/God’s eyes, I’ll just be like “mm-hmm” every time he swears I’m OK, we’ll have the kind of sex we say we want, and a kid as well. I know the truth and since I’m the only one here willing to face that truth, all I can do is live my life catering to his desires and fears and just accept the fact that I couldn’t have a child, even if God would allow it. He is the man I love and therefore, I must do what makes him happy. I don’t want to throw things on him that’ll just scare him or turn him off in any way. So, I’ll just take actions that’ll suit his actions and just try to go deaf when he tells me his bullshit.

Another thing he said that kind of hurt my feelings was after I asked him to maybe think about seeing other women to fill in the gaps, but he said he didn’t love other women. He said that sex to him, has nothing to do with lust, but rather it’s an extension of his love. “What? Do you love me part-time?” I asked him. 

He said no, he loves me full-time. Well, I’m sure he does. Out of bed. But in bed, yes he does love me part-time. I’m not stupid here and I know it’ll be at least a week before he’ll touch me again. He’ll be too busy, my schedule will go wacky, or he just won’t take any available opportunities that are there. At least he always loves me when I’m sick or if I need something. He picked me up some new pens yesterday, which was nice of him, and I needed them, too. He got me more plain white paper, too, for my journal drafts.

I’d also still like to know why it is that something up there is acting like I’m really not sterile and that it’s just waiting for the right time. There is no right time. It is not meant to be. So, what the fuck is it all about? Why is it acting like something that can’t possibly be? Cuz if it were meant to be, it’d have been by now. Also, guys like Tom don’t change, so it’d have to make sure we kept missing it, which we didn’t cuz I know we hit right a good 5 times or so, then have Tom miraculously change and things like that just don’t happen. Why would it wait till a certain time, then miraculously fix me, then have Tom be suddenly much hornier and not afraid to deal with the consequences, sacrifices, and responsibilities that go with me either having a miscarriage or a kid?

Well, now I gotta go eat, then do up some letters for Kim, Paula and Larry.

Later...

You know, it really annoys me to have to be interrupted from what I’m doing just to hear Andy say one word (lonely) on the machine. I’m sorry he’s lonely, but I wish he’d either talk about it or hang up before the machine came on. On the other hand, I don’t really dig it when he constantly leaves long messages, either, of non-important stuff that can wait till we both are in the mood and available to talk. He just doesn’t get it, though, and if he doesn’t by now, he never will. What if we had had a kid? The guy would go crazy. He would still expect me to be there for him on the phone nearly every day and that just couldn’t be.

I forgot to mention that I used my own address labels to redo my backup disk labels. It looks really nice and Tom said that’d be a good thing to market.

Tom got two loaves of bread since they had a buy-one/get-one-free deal. So, I gave the bird one loaf and they actually ate it before the ants did.

Later...

I guess we’re not gonna see the effects of Hurricane Linda after all. All we had were clouds and a bit of drizzle this morning, but since then it’s been bright and sunny.

Tom just got up and said he might see what’s wrong with his car (now that he took care of the roof, we hope, God had to make sure his car would be the time sucker, but if worse comes to worst, we can always use his ma’s car, then God can use something else to hog our time). So, I said to Tom, “Well, here’s the chance to do what we say we want to do and help ourselves to have more sex. It’s at the start of your day, I’m available, so why not play before checking out the car?” 

Then he reminded me that each hour you put off doing the car, the hotter it gets. True, but it’s coming up on the hottest part of the day, so what’s one more hour? There’s always an excuse from Tom and of course, fate just has to put obstacles in our way, too, but OK, I’ll wait till the weekend.

Later...

Well, I just got hit with enough door-slamming to make up for the lack of it over the weekend. I not only heard a few around noon-1:00 since I think Mike comes home for lunch but just now there were 7 door slams. Yes, 7 door slams! How many people could be getting out of the car? And how many times can you forget things? If you’re unloading a car, you usually open the door and keep it that way till you’ve got everything out, then you shut the door. Is this a sign? Is this the start of the noise I still wouldn’t be surprised if I got hit with?