If what came out in yesterday’s listings is still available this weekend, we may be giving notice to our extremely rude landlord real, real soon. It was another expanded single-wide. It’s a little small at 720 square feet, but it might be livable enough depending on the layout. If they can ever let Tom have a full weekend off, we can go see it. He’s definitely going to call them this weekend either way. If he has to take some of the days off he’s accumulated, fine. The layout can be more crucial to how much living space you have than the actual square footage, so that’s one reason we’re not going to just write it off without checking it out first.

Don’t know if it’s got AC, a swamp cooler, or dual-paned windows, but here are all the good things it does have and why we’re so eager to check it out. It’s only $1500. It looks WAY nice inside. Super modern. Not sure what year it is, but it was absolutely gorgeous! It’s a 2-bed, 1 ½-bath. No one parks alongside it and it’s in a good location within the park that has a nice clubhouse, pool and spa. The lot it’s on leases for just $400 a month! It would be cheap to cool at that size. It doesn’t have a fridge, dishwasher or washer/dryer, but at that price, we could buy the exact models of OUR choice the day we moved in. We’ve got enough cash to buy it all and it wouldn’t matter if it drained our savings cuz as low as our monthly expenses would be there, we’d save it back up again in 90 days or less. :)

As for long-term expectations in a place like that, hell, we could end up with enough money to buy just about any house anywhere when he retires. :)

Again, the layout is everything in most cases. When we moved into this 500-square-foot place, we moved in with what we had. But with the savings this place would give us, we could afford to furnish it according to size to help make it more livable and spacious.

Got up at 4:30. Not even 20 minutes later the fucking mutts start going off. Has Jesse gone back to work? Well, wherever he is, I doubt he’ll be back anytime soon if he’s taken off that early. This means fairly consistent barking till 9am, then scattered spurts till he gets back. Between the barking, the breakage and the shitty Internet connection, I really hope that if this place isn’t it, we find it real soon! This may not be like the Phoenix or the NHA, but I’m more than ready to go!

Later...

The Internet has been out for over an hour and I have a feeling it’s not coming back anytime soon. Really ready to tell them to fuck off and just do the net by cell till we get out of here. Trying to reason with people who simply refuse to help us does us no good at all. These old wires need to be replaced. Period. But they refuse to spend the time and money with how few people there are out here. When the wires act up out here, just a few people lose service. But in the city, 40-50 people lose it so they keep them maintained there unlike out here.

I have a feeling I’m going to be doing a lot of reading and writing today. I’ll probably do some cleaning, too.

Still feeling rundown with some bouts of lightheadedness. Not much in the way of racing heartbeats or palpitations. I probably shouldn’t share this with anyone, but I just don’t feel like myself at the same time I don’t feel sick or anything. My hip still acts up at times, too. My teeth are the only thing that’s been better lately. I still intend to see a dentist once we’re moved, but the salt and baking soda mix is really helping to keep the dental pain at bay.

Anyway, since I already opened my mouth, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks or believes because I’m pretty sure there’s nothing wrong with me. Could have a bit of a wacky thyroid, which would explain why I have to nearly starve myself to lose weight. Losing weight is supposed to be hard, not damn near impossible. But I’ve already decided to just eat when I’m hungry and allow the scale to do what it wants. I can’t deal with the constant hunger and fatigue it would take to not only get the weight off but to keep it off, too. Do I want to gain 50, 100 or more pounds? No. Absolutely not. But I also don’t want to go through life hungry just to stay where I’m at, and that is so, so much work. Just so much work. So until and if they come out with some magic pill, I’m sure I don’t have to get into how much work and misery would go into actually trying to lose weight and not just maintain it. I’m sick of how every time I think this is finally it and I’m finally going to lose weight, all I end up doing is losing a few pounds that return within a month. Millions of people out there are 50 or more pounds overweight yet they still manage to live life just fine. Well, so can I.

Tom said it looked like I didn’t lose my water this time around like I usually do after periods. Yesterday I felt it throughout every inch of my body. You could see the water in my hands and feet. Today, though, I think most of it is gone. So for the next 20 days, I get to be just skin, bone, muscle and fat. Lucky me.

Nane appears to have checked out one of my blog posts, but Wissal, the I-know-your-secret girl, hasn’t accepted my friend invite on Jango yet.

That was easy. I tried calling Paula back but it said that mobile phone was no longer in service. Really wish she would just get with the times and email me instead.

What’s not easy is living here. Today’s problem is yet another leak. I’m going to call Jesse at 6:00 about it. There’s not enough light yet anyway. The pressure gauge is leaking and spraying a stream of water. Tom discovered it this morning and says Jesse will spot it right away. I’m just so fucking sick of all the problems in this damn place! I was really hoping they’d hold off till we moved, but even if we’re only here two more months, we couldn’t possibly go that long without some kind of problem. Hell, we can’t even seem to go a month without a problem here and I am just so, so fucking sick of it! I cannot wait to get the hell out, and like I said, I’m ready to settle. We can’t get what we want anyway, so let’s just pick the best of the settlements and go. I’m not staying here another 6 months to a year till we can clear up our credit and get a nicer place.

Really hope our own place doesn’t have this many problems. That’s part of why I was hoping for a place no older than the '80s, but I think we’re going to end up with a '70s place. At least that’s a decade above this '60s place. Maybe after retirement, we can hit the '80s.

Damnit! Just tried to call up there but got no answer. Oh well. It’s his shit of a trailer, and our number will show up on his Caller ID display for him to call me back when he can. Maybe he just got up and is taking a dump.

He just called back. He’ll be down soon.

Later...

Wissal. Interesting name, huh? Well, Miss I Know Your Secret hasn’t accepted my friend request on Jango, so I simply replied to her message and asked her to be kind enough to divulge it. :) I’m pretty sure she lives in Washington, but I don’t know where exactly.

Nane urged us to hold out a little longer and don’t settle for any place we have doubts about, especially since it will probably be our home for a while. She’s got a point. I’d hate to go into a place with any doubts or discomfort. However, we’re not exactly rich here so we’re going to have to settle at least a little. Hopefully not for the dumpiest dump around, but something we can work with easily enough that also won’t be biting off more than we can chew.

Jesse fixed the leak quickly enough and now we’re good to go until the next problem a week or two from now.

Both of us have been catching up on our sleep. When I got up at 4am to find Tom had turned the sound machines on I could tell it had been a noisy night. I’m just glad I slept through most of the circus up the hill.

The heaviest part of my period has set in so I may opt out of going to Walmart. As Tom said, we can go anywhere else we want to go for fun later on.

That comment and user I couldn’t find the other day on MyOpera turned out to be a spammer who was removed. They came at me again from Senegal with a similar u/n and a new account they created which was also removed. Then I had to restrict even my photo albums from anonymous comments. It really pisses the shit out of me that MO has become so overrun with spammers and scammers that I can’t allow for anonymous comments. I don’t know why MO is such a magnet for them, but lately, there are tons of spammers that leave their email addresses saying they’ll “show you their pictures.” I never could get this one. Why would anyone want to see pics of someone they don’t even know?

I’m also sick of getting email scams from phishers claiming to be from every law enforcement agency in the country. The only scam that seems to finally be getting old is the various lottery scams.

Later...

“I know your secret.” That was the statement I received in the form of feedback on MD. Well, do tell, whoever you are!

I ran their addy and found them on Jango. So I logged in and friended them. If they accept, I’ll ask them to humor me by letting me in on my “secret.” It seems Aly and I have gotten that same exact “question” on Ask. Anyway, the chick appears to be young but doesn’t look like anyone I’ve seen before. Don’t know her location either.

I gotta remember to call Paula tomorrow. She left a couple of messages.

Found an expanded single-wide for 6K in an ideal location within the park it’s in. It’s way ideal because it’s at the end of a row. That way you not only don’t have neighbors on both sides of you but no one parks directly next to you either being on the particular end that it’s on. It’s only 750 square feet but looks livable enough. It’s not perfect, but it’s functional enough and doesn’t look nearly as ugly as that other place I mentioned. It’s got 1 ½ baths which is what I’d prefer as opposed to 2 baths, cuz we only want an extra toilet and not an extra tub or shower. The clubhouse and pool look really nice, too.

Personally, I think we should just grab the cheapest 2-bed we can find that isn’t a total dump and that isn’t in a questionable location within the park and just go. Why wait around for what we can’t have? We can’t have first best with our credit and I don’t want to stick around another year or two to save even more. Life is about settling anyway, so within reason, I think we should just go for it and get out of here. I’m sick of this place! The lack of space, the shitty Internet connection, Jesse and his dogs…

Tom thinks August 1st will be our last full payment to him. I hope so! September would be an ideal time to get out of here when you think about it, cuz that’s when the outdoor projects, barking, and chainsawing escalate.

Tom said he didn’t turn the sound machines on last night cuz the dogs started barking but just cuz he thought I’d like them to be on.

Lately, I have been having bouts of lightheadedness, shakiness and a racing heart. I also spent the first half of today hungry as hell. No matter what I ate, nothing filled me up. I don’t understand what’s causing this. I don’t feel sick or anything like that.

Why do so many people around here drive so slowly? It’s amazing how many creepers there are in a state you’d think most people would drive like maniacs in. Well, I don’t know how SoCal is, but up here in NorCal they sure love to hold you up. It seems everywhere we go there’s someone slowing us down that’s going 5-10 MPH under the speed limit.

Made out pretty well at Target and spent $50 on new sports bras and nail polish. The sports bras are girls’ size large, and as big as I am they fit great. They’re super comfortable but definitely not meant to be worn as outerwear because of the thin material. Not sure how much support they’ll give these big hooters when working out with the thin material and straps, but I love the comfort they bring. Even a medium would fit well if my weight keeps dropping. I got one in neon orange with purple straps and the other is an inversion of that one; purple with neon orange straps.

For nail polish, I got blue crackle nail polish, frosty royal blue polish, green magnetic polish, hot pink polish, and a hot pink nail art pen.

When I first applied the blue crackle I was like, what the fuck is this shit? It went on streaky, almost like weak nail polish and dried up with a dull matte finish. In the store, I grabbed it cuz I liked the color without reading the words “crackle overcoat.” Then I read up on it online and realized that these things weren’t meant to be worn alone. When I put a thin coat on top of the hot pink, it made it appear like I was wearing blue polish with bright random streaks of pink. It was so damn cool! Because it’s dark, it will look great on any light color. I’ll definitely want a light one some time to put over dark colors.

Had I realized how the crackle polish was meant to be used I probably wouldn’t have gotten the nail art pen. Or the magnetic polish. It’s a rather dismal shade of green that looked better in the store and the effects are rather subtle. It’s still kind of cool even though there are little clumps in it. That’s the iron particles so that the magnet can create the wave pattern.

Here’s my home/park attitude for today, which has changed somewhat since yesterday. For better or for worse is a matter of opinion. Despite the money savings, I’m not as thrilled at the idea of taking the dump I recently mentioned. Money to fix it up or not, it is just too ugly and the location is iffy. If the little canal we lived near up in OR could breed such nightmarish spiders, what might this big lake breed for us? Canals and lakes just aren’t like oceans.

I would have to see more about the home and the park to decide if renting this place we found going for $850 would be worth it or not, but I would say it probably wouldn’t be. This is mostly because I don’t like the idea of paying more than we do here. If we’re going to do that we might as well do it with something as new and as nice as the “octangle” house. That’s another thing that’s changed. Now that we know the lot that house is on is cheaper than the triple-wide, I’d go for that first cuz it’s newer, nicer, has a garage, has a pool, and has more reasonable square footage.

We either spend money on something nicer or we spend it to fix up something that’s not as nice. I’m still sick of old dumps and even if we got something that was comparable in cost to this place, saving $500 a month is still a lot of money when you consider that we couldn’t even save 5 cents for the longest time and that’s without even trying. With a little effort, we could save around $700 a month. So it takes us longer to get the things we want for it, but that list would be a lot smaller if we don’t have to replace snot-green sinks, neon piss counters, and diarrhea-brown ovens. Plus paint and recarpet.

I had a dream last night that Tom was all psyched because he got “approved” for something that someone else insisted was just a dream. Meaning that he would never get approved for whatever it was he got approved for. Let’s hope that means we’ll get the house we want. One that isn’t so old and dumpy but still lets us save $500 or more monthly. The biggest thing is always having 3 grand in savings. That’s become our new magic number. Anything above and beyond that is unnecessary and would be seen as a bonus.

For the first time in my life, I am glad for America’s obsession with blacks and the way they are so favored so much of the time. I’d just hate to see Romney get elected for two reasons. One, Mormons are crazy just like Tom said. They’re serious extremists who see sin in everything. You cannot have one single conversation with them without having to hear about God, sinners, and all kinds of other crap that either couldn’t possibly be true or that we can’t possibly know the answers to. Two, Republicans don’t want gays or women to have any rights. They are big-time haters and control freaks who will do anything to force their beliefs on others, and if anyone has a problem with my saying so, fine. Just click on out and into someone else’s blog. It’s that little X up at the top right corner of the screen for you Windows users and the little red dot in the upper left corner for you Mac folks. :)

Tom’s on his way out to work and doesn’t give a shit if he’s late or not. Not after the way they’ve been treating him. They let him come home a few hours earlier so he could get 6 hours of sleep instead of 3, but we wish they’d stop jerking him around and giving him so much OT. The man needs a life for once. But as he said, he’ll just go collect his $20 an hour to just stand there, since he doesn’t expect there to be much work.

“Then why are they having you come in?” I asked him and he said they’re just a bunch of idiots.

I asked him if he thought it could be personal. Hey, my husband is white and older after all, but he doesn’t think so.

I got up at 10pm after 6 hours of sleep, was still kind of tired, and ended up dozing on and off for a couple of hours. It was so nice napping like that late at night with no sound machines and hearing nothing but the train off in the distance. Tom’s snoring got a little annoying at times, but I realized that maybe the way to get used to sleeping with sounds is to actually do it. Not cut the sound machine altogether. I’m too light of a sleeper to do that. But when we move I may start off with just the regular sound machine and see if that alone will be enough. After all, there shouldn’t be motorcycles and other insanely loud vehicles going through there. At least not nearly as often as they come and go from the Jes pest’s place.

Gonna get this posted before the engine gunning, loud motors and barking start up, then it’s off to do the bathroom, laundry and the grocery list.

Had a dream I was in Nane’s apartment building standing just outside her door. Although I never saw her in the dream I assumed it was her place because all the signs around me were written in German. It appeared to be a big building and what I was doing there is beyond me. I guess I was either waiting for her to come home or come to the door.

I will never eat another banana again. They make me too gassy. On top of that, I was extremely lightheaded, hot, and had a racy heart for a while yesterday. Too much dieting, I guess. The older I get the more my body rebels against even light dieting.

I am so, so happy now! Although it’s hectic and frustrating at times we are really having fun researching various adult communities and picking out potential places to live. I’m really excited about our latest idea but want to cover the not-so-nice things first.

They’re really jerking Tom around at work and it’s starting to really piss me off. He’s not too happy about it either. I feel not just bad for him, but bad for me as well because when they put him out it puts me out too, not that they give a shit.

He was really liking the second shift and working just 8 hours a day even if it meant a little less money despite the shift differential. Well, he’s hoping it’s just temporary and just long enough to train this woman he’s to train because next week when he returns to first shift on Monday. I guess the woman was driving the forklift, is really fat and won’t lose the weight, so now he’s gotta train her to do what he was doing or something like that.

To make matters even worse, he has to work this Saturday after working late into Friday night. So he’s got to run home at 11:30 at night, catch a few-hour nap, then run back to work at 6am for 8-10 hours, WTF?! We appreciate all the money, but it’s going to really make the move harder if he has to stay on days. He has many days off accumulated, but the more of those days he has to take off to move, the less chance we have of going on vacation. We might have to just fly to Hawaii instead of cruise there.

Because of this, we decided we deserve to really treat ourselves on Sunday after he’s had a chance to catch up on his sleep and make that a fun day. So what if we blow 2 or 3 hundred bucks, we decided, as he can earn that back in just a day or two tops. So we’ll probably go out to Denny’s real early in the morning, then hit Walmart, but not just for groceries. We’ll get fun things as well. As in split up (so we can each visit the departments we like) and just help ourselves to what we want.

Another huge disappointment was what I heard in the bathroom yesterday. It shocked the shit out of me and at first I was confused. I thought, why would Whiskey be down here barking in back? As noisy as they are when Jesse’s out, they’re dead quiet when he’s home or when they’re roaming the land. When they walk by they just walk by. They don’t go barking by or getting into things or anything. They simply walk by without a sound.

Then recognition hit me and I remembered who that bark belonged to. That was the bark of one of the dogs the people in back would let run loose. I was so, so bummed out to hear that, but not because I’m afraid of them. The problem is that they’re so fucking loud. They don’t walk by quietly at all. They come barking onto the land, and when they’re right outside the place, especially with the window closed, it’s loud as hell. I used to see them standing around out there barking at absolutely nothing at all. I am so, so disappointed. With all the people who complained about those people for letting their dogs attack their dogs, chickens and goats, I thought they were gone years ago. That’s what Tom says, but I know what I heard. The owners probably figured that since it’s been a while maybe they can let the beasts run loose and this time no one will mind. Well, I still have the number of the complaint line Jesse gave me and if I start hearing and actually seeing those damn mutts, I’ll mind and I’ll be sure to give them a call. I’m not going to sit and listen to these things bark by or just stand outside the windows barking at nothing. Jesse’s mutts are bad enough. One of the dogs is missing a back leg and another is a pit bull. Those are one of the nastiest breeds of dogs there are.

Later...

The Iceberg Lotus nail polish I have on my toes never fails to dazzle me every time I put it on. It is as beautiful as a color can get that’s far from pink, and it’s about as far away from pink as a color can get. It’s like a bluish-green. Or is it a greenish-blue? It’s hard to say, but I can easily say it just may be my third favorite color.

Swapped messages with my German hottie today. It’s hot and humid there, but she’s enjoying it while it lasts. German summers aren’t long.

Found a nice site called Nulu that’s great for advanced Spanish speakers to get their Spanish Spain-ready, even if they’ve got a decade and still may not end up there for sure. I may be knowledgeable and fluent for a non-native speaker, but there’s always room for improvement. There are always more obscure words to learn and I can improve my listening skills by listening to different accents. Some are harder to understand just like some people who speak English can be harder to understand. Yo no siempre intiendo (I don’t always understand).

We got a secured credit card with credit of $500 on it to start helping to boost our credit, and we’re getting fonder of the idea of going with cheap and uglier as opposed to nicer and newer for a couple of reasons. One is to make it exactly what we want it to be, and then the obvious reason; the money savings, since it would be on a cheaper piece of land. I’m also dying to do more wall tats like what I did on the dresser and headboard.

Any and every place is going to have its pros and cons with both the inside and the outside, but if we got that triple-wide, for example, the expenses would be comparable to what they are here after the place was paid off. So we could still save $500 - $700 a month comfortably enough.

But saving money has made me greedy and want to save even more. With this ugly-as-hell dump, we could save around a grand a month. I’m only sharing the link to it with my utmost of closest friends in case we do end up living there. So that means only Andy, Maliheh, Nane and Aly will see it. They should feel honored and special:)))

When I say it’s ugly, I mean it’s UGLY! Whoever designed it had the EXACT opposite taste in colors I have. The outside is bright and colorful and feminine with a sunny yellow exterior and pink flowerbed. The color of the oven alone makes me want to cry, and the tub and sinks are just sickening. Even the damn toilet seats match all that damn paneling I wish to hell had never been invented!

But when you know that in 6 months or less you could recarpet, paint, wallpaper and get rid of the institutional gray carpet, the snot green tub and sinks, the diarrhea brown oven, the puke brown walls, and the neon piss countertops, the money that can be saved living on a $500-a-month lot as opposed to a $765 one, is damn appealing.

These modulars are usually pretty black and white. Meaning, you will usually find single-wides like this that are too small, or bigger ones that start at around 15K. This ugly place is the cheapest 2-bed, 2-bath we’ve found so far. It’s $6500. I also like the square footage better on this one which is just over 1100. 1000-1400 is reasonable for us, but the triple-wide is almost 1800. I’d rather too much space than too little and I would still prefer the triple-wide over this thing, but it does have some potential as ugly as it is.

Unlike the park the triple-wide is in, this park has a pool. We checked it out via satellite and there’s nothing around it that could end up being a problem. There are just the freeway and the lake that wraps around most of it. Some of the lakeside homes are really nice and they have docks and boats. Those would probably be pretty expensive. There’s also a KOA near it, but not close enough to be a problem. Car stereos shouldn’t be an issue cuz there’s nowhere to go, so people wouldn’t be cutting through the park. Once you enter the park it’s like entering a maze with many dead ends. They all lead you to various parts of the park with no way out.

I don’t like the location within the park nearly as much as the triple-wide. No doubt about that much. I’d worry I wouldn’t sleep well there when I was on nights, but I would think that that’s about as bad as an adult park could get. So if I could sleep there, I could sleep in any adult park anywhere. But still, I don’t like how the people to the left would park right alongside us or how close it is to the street that isn’t at the end of the dead-end I’d prefer to be on. What we saw across the street is a little worrisome, too. We suspect that since it has a little parking lot and a dumpster (that’d be an eyesore to look out and see) the park maintenance people may work or live there. Lastly, I don’t want people camped outside my window gabbing all day whether I was up or not, or rummaging through storage sheds.

It is so appealing yet such a turn-off at the same time! Wish we could spend a few days/nights in different places to see what it’s like. With the way people are so company-happy, the thought of being jolted awake by tons of car doors does not sit well with me at all.

We’re both torn between a nicer more expensive place and a cheaper place that isn’t as nice but leans more toward the money saver. The problem isn’t that we couldn’t afford to make payments on something we couldn’t afford to buy outright, the problem is getting places being sold by realtors to approve us even though our credit score isn’t that great. But regardless of what the home costs, it would be nice to be on a lot that’s $400 - $500 a month instead of $750 - $850. It’s just that the cheaper lots are the ones the dumpier places are housed on.

Tom thinks that we haven’t found the house that’s going to be ours yet and that if he had to guess, it’s a park-owned home that isn’t advertised online. The parks just don’t have time to maintain sites online so you have to drive through the parks and see what for-sale signs you can spot.

If we do end up in that place, though, it’ll feel like a palace compared to this place, just with ugly colors. We’d also need to buy a refrigerator right away. But to be able to easily afford the front-loading washer I’ve always wanted in this place is still mighty tempting. I’d just worry about being able to sleep there during the daytime. Tom said we could cushion the bedroom floor if we needed to with thick padding and I asked what good that would do since it’s a vibration and not just a sound (when people slam car doors). He said car engines vibrate a lot but you don’t feel it cuz it’s mounted against rubber instead of the frame of the car. Well, I guess it’s that same idea. There are other things that can be done to soundproof a room, but I’d rather not have to. I’ve been soundproofing this and adding sound machines to that long enough!

I feel like this searching has been going on forever! But as Tom reminded me, while I’ve been impatient and wanting to move on, he hasn’t even been 55 for a month yet. Still, I hope we find something soon. I just want to get out of here and on with life already! But the longer it takes the more money we save.

Got to listen to the damn mutts for a little bit this evening on a weeknight of all nights. I was worried he’d be gone overnight so I couldn’t enjoy a movie later on in peace (if I could stay online long enough), but I heard a car door slam shortly after 11:00. He’s the only one I can hear around here, so it had to be him. Plus it’s been quiet for 45 minutes now.

Dealing with this shit for two decades has got me so fed up that I don’t see how I wouldn’t lose it at the next place if dogs left outdoors unattended to bark up a storm continues to be an issue for us there as well. I will literally go over and kick the thing to death. Or at least have a helluva time keeping myself from doing just that as dogs have more rights than humans unless you’re not white. They’d put me in jail for years for that. But complaining to the owner either makes things worse or gets nothing accomplished. They’ll either blow up in my face like they did in Phoenix and make my life a living hell, or they’ll just give me all kinds of lame excuses, “There’s nothing we can do about it.” “Oh, but he’s a good dog and doesn’t bite.” “That’s just what dogs do. Babies cry, dogs bark.”

Yeah, and the pushed-to-the-limit sometimes snap.

The law wouldn’t give a shit because they’re more interested in what people have to say as opposed to what they let their mutts do, and God help me if they’re not white because they will use their race/nationality as a crutch and it will be guaranteed to work in their favor. Therefore, I will simply end up looking like someone who’s picking on them for their color and not for their refusal to control their dogs.

My hip is better today. I’m taking a couple of days off from working out, though I don’t know if I can stand to take the whole week off Tom recommends. I’d probably gain weight if I did even if I stuck to my diet, which is going very well lately now that I’m doing it right. I didn’t realize the protein was having such negative effects on me. It’s also better to go 3 hours between snacks and meals instead of 2 when I can stand to do so. I’m PMSing now so hunger levels are up a bit and it’s hard to pinpoint my exact weight with all the water I’m carrying.

Tom finally drove the forklift at work. He said he was a little nervous at first since it was something new. He described how it works and how he wears a harness that’s attached to a cable and all that. He goes up as high as 25’. That’s a scary thought! But he said it’s more dangerous to things around him than it is to him.

Later...

I went to bed hoping I’d “see” where we may move to in my dreams. Well, I was somewhere, in some house, but can’t remember it to save my life!

Then I got lost in Italy. I was there with my mother of all people. We sat down in a large and crowded dining area in some mall with some other woman we may or may not have met there. For some reason, I decided to wander around and see some shops. Maybe I wasn’t hungry or maybe I thought it’d be a while before someone took our order.

I found myself in a doll shop and decided I needed one as a souvenir even though I’d quit collecting dolls years ago. I pulled a tiny, old and beat-up vinyl doll from a bin and asked how much it cost more out of curiosity than interest. I was told it was 21 cents, and why we were speaking English and not Italian is beyond me.

Then I picked up a larger doll made of all porcelain. I found it weird that her hairline extended so far down her forehead that it came to right above her eyebrows.

I placed the doll back and returned to the diner. Only my mother and the other woman were gone. A slow panic began to rise within me. I knew that if they didn’t return I might never find them because I had no idea where to even begin to look. So that’s how I awoke, lost and looking for mommy at age 46.

Alison confirms she hasn’t been on Ask in days, so it isn’t her that’s been asking the mixture of simple and polite to rude and religious questions unless I don’t have the clue that I think I have as far as who’s crazy and who’s not. Oh, I know for a fact that Molly and Kim are crazy, but is anyone else out there crazy and two facing me that I’m not aware of?

I would still be willing to bet that today’s poorly spelled, “Have you asked for forgiveness lately” came from Molly. When Kim brings up God it’s to tell you He hates you. When Molly brings up God it’s to tell you things like how He’ll be nicer to you if you’re nicer to others.

Yeah, I should be asking God to forgive me for refusing to be their friend, all right. rolls eyes I have a two-strikes-you’re-out rule. Nane dumped me once. I forgave her when she wanted to make up. If she ever chooses to end the friendship again, that’s the way it stays. This is my rule with everyone and I don’t care how damn good-looking you may be. But Kim and Molly are far from good-looking, so that makes it all the easier not to want to associate with them.

Aly says it’s hard to say if Molly’s still reading my journal or not. She doesn’t think Molly would be smart enough to disable cookies beforehand and more than likely she believes in her mind that if she leaves me alone (at least in ways I can see) I’ll be more likely to want to talk to her the next time she reaches out to me.

Worst of all she says the sick cock she has to work with is still harassing her. She and a couple of others are getting a restraining order against him tomorrow and says she doesn’t understand how this cock can be allowed to work where 3 people are taking legal action against him and fears the restraining order will make things worse.

Sure it will. When you show some sick fuck that he can keep his job and stay out of jail no matter how many people he assaults, threatens, stalks and harasses, of course they’re going to retaliate when someone tries to stop them. Until this cock actually kills someone, the shit’s not going to stop.

And people wonder why I have no respect for law enforcement and no faith in God!

It just hit me that Molly may be going to my other blog that I can’t track. I started posting the first 4 months of this year and some of it mentioned her and her shit. That may’ve prompted the “Have you asked for forgiveness lately” thing.

Later...

That strange noise I heard the other night was thunder after all. We had an unexpected storm that’s rare for July blow on through here, but it was mostly thunder and lightning and hardly any rain. It only lasted a few hours and we only got a drizzle.

Ok, you God lovers out there! This entry may offend some of you so don’t say I didn’t warn you up front. If you read this and get all upset, remember you chose to read it, so I don’t want no complaints or anything like that after I made this clear. Disagree if you will, but don’t expect to change my beliefs or edit this entry.

I was watching this horrific case on Hulu about this guy who killed his girlfriend and then nearly decapitated his 3-year-old daughter. snorts with disgust And people believe God is good? Well, I’m sorry but I wish people would wake the fuck up and quit bullshitting themselves! I try my best to let people think, do and believe as they will so long as it’s not harming anyone, but in cases like this you just want to shake some of them at times! No good, loving God would allow something like this to happen. This can only mean one of two things. Either God’s a real asshole or there’s a separate entity that is and it has a helluva lot more power than God has.

Either way, I guess most of us have to tell ourselves what sounds best in order to cope with this big bad world. Telling yourself something far beyond your control may have it in for you as well as an awful lot of others out there may be true but it’s anything but a comforting thought. People want to believe what they want to hear. So what do you do? You tell yourself God is good and that He loves everybody. Then you close your eyes to everything else. But again, we all gotta do what we gotta do to get by. For me it’s time spent with my husband and doing my hobbies; not telling myself there’s a guardian angel out there waiting to catch me if I fall. I’ve fallen many times in life and while I may’ve survived, no one caught me when I fell. And no one’s gonna catch me in the future either.

So the next time you want to tell yourself that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, you might want to think of all the little kids out there who could only stand by helpless as hell and utterly horrified while those who were supposed to love and protect them brutally murdered them instead. Yeah, that little 3-year-old sure got a helluva lot more than she could handle when Daddy slit her throat. Ah, but God is good, right?

On a happier and more exciting note, we’re looking forward to the 3rd! That’s when we’ll have more money than we’ll need to officially get the ball rolling toward our new home. Just don’t know if we should go for older and cheaper or newer and more expensive. We could afford both. It’s just that we won’t be able to save a grand or more a month if we go with the latter.

My hip is still bugging the hell out of me at times. It’s like it’s taken over my teeth and I still don’t know what’s wrong with it.

Tom’s now up to $14.33 regular time and $21.50 OT. The funny thing is that his computer knowledge is the reason he’s paid more than everyone else (they make $10) yet they’ve never had him working on computers.

Got up at 8pm to find Tom, who’s usually in bed by then, wide awake and at his computer. A split second of panic went through me as I remembered how he stayed up to tell me he’d been laid off the last time around. Instead, he told me that while it may only be temporary, he and a couple of others will be starting on second shift tomorrow and getting a little bonus for it. That’s great! Second or third shift always makes it easier to do things that need to be done during regular business hours. Things like moving, going to dentists, etc. So he’s going to stay up till midnight since he has to work from 2:30 - 11:00.

Really hope this is a good sign that something up there (Dad?) is helping to pave the way home for us and line things up in our favor. If it is, then the move is getting close and I should start getting more info from my dreams.

Not that I plan to change my mind, but I had a disturbing thought about these “adult communities” that say only one has to be 55. Well, what’s to say we couldn’t end up next to a woman with a 10-year-old and an older BF or husband? Or how about a young woman with a couple of 4-year-olds living with an older parent? I don’t know if there’s a limit on the number of residents. I guess it varies from community to community. But most parents are single these days and this is totally the kind of shit luck we would have ending up next to a couple of preschoolers home and outside screaming all day long. But until I too am 55, we can’t go to an all-55 and up community.

Tom thinks we’ll get next to all adults. I sure hope so and that they don’t live outside from sunup to sundown, but this is a relatively warm climate. Therefore I’m expecting people to be outdoors more than indoors. But if they can carry on like civilized human beings while they’re at it and tend to their yard work when it needs it and not every single day just for the fun of it, we’ll have it made.

So I get a “how be everything going for you deary?” on Ask and my first thought is Aly. But then I saw that Molly had answered a few questions and had to reblock her yet again (I don’t know how she keeps coming unblocked even when her u/n doesn’t change) so it could’ve been her. By asking a pleasant and simple question like that she can know I would answer in the same manner and then get to “feel” like we’re buddies. Still, I check her account every day to make sure it’s blocked, even though she could come at me anonymously when I have that enabled.

I asked Aly (who I hope is ok) if it was her that asked that. I also asked if she thought Molly could be dodging my tracker but still reading my blog for some reason, even though she’s never seemed to care about trackers before. If anything I think she liked being seen.

As funny as it may sound I almost miss her faithful viewings, though I also don’t need the constant prying eyes of someone I dislike.

Later...

Tom made it till nearly 11, and I ate nearly 2 hours before I planned on eating, but close enough.

Upon screening old journals for publishing on MD, I looked back on a lot of the shit that happened back east with disgust. Particularly the legal trouble I got into. I’m disgusted, ashamed and embarrassed both at myself and at the South Deerfield pigs. How could I have not only done something as stupid and as pointless as prank calls, but how could I have been so goddamn naïve when it came to the pigs?! Shit, that was worse than naïve; that was downright dumb! Why couldn’t I see through the pigs’ utterly phony as hell “friendly” disguise? Was I that lonely and desperate for positive attention or something? Well, I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me, but despite the fact that yes, I broke the law, the pigs ought to be ashamed and disgusted with themselves for the way they carried on with their lies and other bullshit. I’m as embarrassed for them as I am for myself and even though it was over 20 years ago it’s sad and even scary to know that you’ve got scum like that who were and are supposed to “protect and serve.” Not “lie and manipulate.” I’m just sick of the double standards! They can speed all they want, they can lie all they want, and they are literally above the law they’re supposed to abide by! Well, I don’t ever intend to break the law again. At least not knowingly or intentionally. However, if I’m ever taken advantage of like that ever again by any so-called authority figure(s), I swear I’ll be the richest chick in whatever town I’m living in at the time when I get through with them!

Now here’s where it gets really weird, although in my favor. Definitely in my favor. Back east I had to go to court – IDK – maybe 6 to 8 times. All for prank calls and nothing else. However, when I lived in South Deerfield it was the first time I got in trouble in two different towns at once (Greenfield and Northampton). Of all the Springfield charges I can remember, I got in trouble for pranking 1 stranger, the crisis center, an old friend named Jenny, and 2 cops. I didn’t even know one of them was a cop, and the other was married to an old boss/friend of mine and I guess I just didn’t care what his occupation was. I was targeting his wife for stabbing me in the back, not him. The other pig, not surprisingly, had me arrested and came to tell me I was “lucky he didn’t know where I lived” when I was by myself in a small holding cell.

Here’s my big question: Why were all but one of the 7 cases dismissed??? The only one that I ended up being thrown on probation for was Greenfield and even that “faded away” when I moved. All they wanted were monthly forms stating my current address. Ok, so I’ve been known to have both good and bad influences on the outcomes of some things in a way that falls into the psychic category, but how could even I have influenced 6 plaintiffs, 2 being cops, not to show up in court? Clearly, someone kept getting me off. Why didn’t I see this before? There’s no way they all could’ve said “what the hell” and failed to show up. Nor were the cases dropped cuz they felt sorry for me for being poor and on disability. Nor was it cuz they thought I was cute. Someone with some serious clout had to have gotten all these cases dismissed.

I do remember something weird that maybe had to do with a lawyer I was related to. Someone named Jimmy. If you go to the police station or are picked up on a weekend with a default warrant out on you (there was one out on me at the time for failing to appear for Jenny), they’re supposed to hold you all weekend and bring you to court on Monday morning instead. Well, when Kim drove me to the SPD for calling that cop Laurie (ok so 3 cops I picked on, though I didn’t exactly “pick on” Laurie. I called, I hit on her, she took it wrong, then she used her badge against me) the sergeant we spoke to that night said he had better things to do than waste time on my calls and dispute with Laurie and that’s when he mentioned this lawyer. If I ever met him, I don’t remember it. Then I was ROR’d out of there on a weekend of all times and ordered to appear in court for Jenny. I did. Then the case was… yeah, you guessed it… dismissed.

I also remember being in South Deerfield on the phone with my sister one night and telling her I wasn’t sure whether or not I should let Mom and Dad in on what was going on. She suggested they might already know about it. Well, unless they “hired” Kim to report what was going on with me, maybe I did have this lawyer relative who kept getting me off, but that couldn’t get me off with Greenfield because it was out of his territory.

Kim was oddly afraid to address an envelope to my folks one time. I don’t remember why I wanted her to send them something for me. This was after I moved out west. I think it was some joke that had to do with something I printed from the computer when the internet and all that was still relatively new, though I fully intended to eventually let them know it was me behind it. I sent the thing to Kim and asked one night over the phone if she sent it down to them. She had said something like, “Yeah, I had a friend write out the envelope.” I asked why she would do that since they’d never seen her handwriting and she said you never know. But she should know. They only met her a couple of times, they were never in her apartment, and so they shouldn’t have ever seen her handwriting.

I guess that, and whoever was calling me after I was charged and whoever seemed to know some of my movements for a while in South Deerfield, will forever remain a mystery.

Life sure is weird at times. There I was getting off when I was guilty and going down when I wasn’t on the other side of the country. It was like Phoenix ended up being my karma, though that doesn’t make me any less pissed about it or the situation any less wrong. No one should do time for something they didn’t do, or do a sentence fit for someone who beat the crap out of someone when all they really did was something so petty and harmless in comparison. Yeah, doing half a year and losing thousands of dollars for a letter I didn’t write was a huge step above and beyond getting off for doing something that at worst, was highly annoying.

OMG, what the hell was that? I just heard something that sounded like it could’ve been thunder or a large animal or person either crossing the porch or running across the planks in back (the trailer is set against a cliffside). Although the wind chimes are sort of active, July isn’t the time of year here for thunder. It really sounded more like footsteps running, but who the hell would be traipsing around in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night? And dumb enough to make that much noise in an area where most people have guns. We’re not armed, but pretty much everyone else is around here.

And what was that I heard a couple of hours ago? That one sounded more like it was inside the place, sort of like the floor creaking. I thought Tom got up for some reason, but he didn’t.

Ok, so maybe this is not just paranoid of me but downright insane, but I still live in fear of old enemies hunting me down and harming me. Oftentimes what has worked for us in the past doesn’t always work for us again in the future. So if you once victimized someone through the law, but the law finally saw through at least one of you enough to kick your ass out of law enforcement and vindicate the real victim in the case, why not screw them outside of the law instead? Especially if you may be pissed off over someone’s “testimony” that helped expose you for who you are and get the word out about you? Whether you have been or are presently in law enforcement, you should be able to pull some strings and find practically anyone you want. Then with or without your sick little buddies, lovers or whoever the hell they may be to you, why not go visit them if you feel they’re that worth spending the time and energy on, right? Gosh, I hope not!

After Tom helped me figure out what the hell was blocking my computer from logging onto Twitter, I’ve now shared the link with Nane as well, but no one else. I know Andy and Aira would like me to add them, but I’d rather keep it just for Maliheh and Nane (because they don’t tweet) and not have to worry about annoying or being annoyed by overtweeting. I can always change my mind later on if I want to. Another reason I don’t want to give the account link to just anyone is cuz of Molly. Even when I was careful not to post new links, like my Ask account, Aly and others who she also stalks would post theirs and she would find me through them.

Tom just went to bed to catch up on his sleep and tomorrow he’s going to enjoy his only day off this week. He said I don’t need to be with him, but next weekend he’s going to drive through the most desirable parks and decide who he’s going to call. I’ll probably be with him, though. My schedule is usually 12 hours ahead of whatever it was the week before. So since I got up at 4:30pm today, I should be getting up at 4:30am next weekend.

So this weekend has been a “non-action” weekend. Other than yesterday evening’s loud motor show, it’s been hot, dry, quiet and just wonderful.

Once we get moved Tom may see what other jobs are available in the area. He makes great money and the benefits are good, but he’s just not happy. They’re working him to death and he’s working with a bunch of stupid idiots. With his experience, he should be able to find a job with similar pay and benefits. Besides, the only part of the benefits that’s really good is dental, which we’ll use for the bulk of my dental needs once we get moved. Also, the 401K is nice but they only match half of it and not all of it like most companies do.

Then I got to thinking about it and I really wonder if he’s not just as cursed with jobs as I am with getting neighbors who allow their dogs to bark every single fucking place we go. Tom doesn’t mind cuz he grew up with that shit. But I didn’t. Dogs are supposed to be household pets where I come from, not noisy lawn decorations. I just can’t remember the last time he had a job he was happy with. It seems they always suck from the get-go or they start off ok, then they end up sucky.

Still losing weight since I stopped lifting. Even my thighs don’t rub together as much when I walk. But this hip shit really pisses the shit out of me. My right hip has been really annoying, even painful at times, and I don’t know why. Sometimes it seems like the pain is coming from different areas and is hard to pinpoint exactly where it’s at. Sometimes it seems to start in the hip and shoot down to my knee. Other times it starts in my hip and shoots back to my ass. I cannot lie on it or in certain positions. It seems the only one I can lie in that doesn’t aggravate it is on my back. I don’t know if it’s cuz I’m getting older, the years of running or what, but I hope it doesn’t get any worse. If I’m ever unable to work out, I’ll gain tons of weight even if I eat like a bird.

The daily shots of bug spray under the sink have been helping to keep the bees from invading the bathroom. Still gets a little nerve-wracking parking my ass on the toilet at sunrise and sunset when they’re most active.

Went back to Twitter but decided to share my little microblog there with just Maliheh for now. Haven’t decided if I want to share with Nane yet. I don’t think I will, though. The reason I’ve decided to be so secretive about this one and have signed up as Miss Anonymous is that I have more freedom this way. This way I don’t have to worry about overtweeting and annoying friends, or feeling obligated to follow back those that annoy me with their own share of overtweeting like Kim used to do. I can’t control who chooses to follow me, but I don’t have to follow them back if they’re not friends and they can choose to unfollow me anytime they want.

The reason I chose Maliheh is that we have no mutual friends. I would have loved to have bitched about Kim on my old Twitter account but couldn’t do that because I knew it would offend Alison. This way I don’t have to worry about offending anyone. So yeah, the decision’s been made. Only Maliheh will read this entry and only she will get the link, and I will make sure I don’t connect my Twitter account with my Facebook account or anything like that where I use my real name.

Another reason for sharing my “secret” Twitter profile with Maliheh is because that way if she wants to, she can get an idea of what my current schedule is like and whatever else I’m up to and random thoughts I may have. She doesn’t have to check it of course. I’m just going to make the link available to her so she has the option.

I kind of wish Maliheh would start tweeting from her own secret account too, so I could know what was up with her even when we weren’t in the mood to chat, and even if it were something as trivial as what she ate for lunch, but I understand that isn’t her thing.

Maybe I’ll end up deactivating on Twitter. I left for a while because I got sick of all the constant change and the forced ads, recommendations and “promoted” tweets being thrown into my stream.

For now, it will be for Maliheh and I, though I’ll still tweet at least for a while even if she’s not interested in checking it out, and have fun changing backgrounds every few days or so. They don’t allow animated ones, but I have plenty of stills to decorate with.

Later...

It fucking figures that less than 24 hours after rejoining Twitter the site is down. I can’t access it at all, so they’re down hard. Probably got flooded over the latest mass murder.

Before I state what’s on my mind, remember that you chose to read this blog. If you’re sensitive or you disagree with what I may have to say, that’s fine, but that’s your problem. Whether you live in my country or not, whether you’re rich or poor, whether you have an “important” job or not, I don’t want to hear it. It’s fine to disagree, but don’t even think for a minute that so long as I don’t harm or threaten anyone you can still mess with my rights. Or try to. The worst you can do is make yourself look worse and me get rich. So… am I worth it?

Ok, so as far as what’s on my mind. That’s easy. I hope to hell they fry the guy’s ass that’s responsible for the theater shootings in Chicago. I really do. I’m glad he’s white because that will up the chances of him getting the death sentence he deserves instead of pity and a lifelong stay at a local funny farm at the taxpayer’s expense.

What pisses the shit out of me is knowing that this cock probably will get off on an insanity defense because apparently, he’s showing no sense of reasoning, unlike the Oklahoma bomber. He was sane and did what he did for a reason. The government fucked him over so he blew up one of their buildings.

That’s another thing that’s scary. You would think those that have bombed or flown into government buildings would be an example to the government of just what can happen when you fuck over your own while catering to the rest of the world, yet they still go on fucking us over and nearly killing some of us as in the case with my husband and I last year.

Ok, why is my landlord driving his loud truck up and down the driveway??? I have sound machines and fans on yet I still hear this fucker! That’s why we may as well not worry if we go back to having neighbors so close to us. They’re going to be just as annoying whether they’re close to us or hundreds of feet away, so why not? Seriously, God doesn’t give us any breaks when we distance ourselves from neighbors, He just makes them louder. What this cock is doing right now more than makes up for the distance. It’s no different than if he were just an arm’s length away. It’s getting dark, though, so maybe it’ll stop soon, and he’ll either stay home or take off for the night like he sometimes does on Friday nights and leave me with 8 hours of barking.

What else can I complain about? How about attitudes toward suicide? Just like some people’s attitudes towards rape victims suck with the way they blame them and not the perp, people always blame the suicide victim, too. Sure there are some that kill themselves for the wrong reasons, and sure some of them would have made it through life just fine had they not given up when they did, but what if Tom and I hadn’t received a miracle in the end and therefore gone through with our plans? I’ll tell you exactly what would’ve happened. People would’ve blamed us for our own deaths and insisted we just “didn’t try hard enough.” But when you fill out every application available to you yet no one calls, that’s NOT your fault. Luckily for us, though, one did just that in the nick of time, and they saw past Tom’s age and skin color and right through to his qualifications.

We still would’ve preferred to go quickly and painlessly in the comfort of our own home and bed, as opposed to slowly starving on the streets, but we definitely would’ve preferred to go on living a normal life. We are forever grateful to our deceased loved ones for saving us in the end, cuz no other theory makes sense to us and it’s too hard to write it off as a coincidence. At the same time, I wonder just how much of an influence the dead really have on the living. Overall, it doesn’t seem like much. But I wonder things at times like if my dad can and will try to help us get the right home.

It annoys the hell out of me when people say that suicide isn’t the answer. That should be up to each individual to decide and not society. It’s our lives and our bodies. So if you can tell me that suicide wouldn’t have been the answer had a miracle not saved us in the end, then what you’re basically saying is that a slow miserable death on the streets would have been the answer. Sorry, but that’s just pure bullshit knowing my own self as well as I do. I’m pretty in tune with what my limits are and what I can and can’t handle. Streetlife wouldn’t have been one of them. But someday, unless something else kills us in the meantime, my husband will die and then I will kill myself so I don’t have to live without him, rich or poor, then you can all blame me for it. :)

Last night’s negative dreamfest consisted of the dogs barking and me going to turn the sound machine on to drown them out. But the sound machine wouldn’t work. So I decided to go yell at them to shut the hell up, even though I knew it would only last about 10 minutes. Yet when I opened the door to let them have it, the place looked just like we were in the city. Instead of seeing trees and hills, all I saw were closely set houses.

The other bad dream I remember is that I had been run over by a car and was trying to sue the driver for millions of dollars. One night I was at a party and although I seemed to be just fine physically, I was talking to a legal expert at the party who told me that the case would probably drag on for years and in the end, I would most likely lose. I felt myself tense up with anger, not just because of what they said, but knowing that God would protect my perps as usual. Then I spotted the guy who ran me over. I hurled myself at him and he went down on his back with me on top of him. I pummeled his face with my fists till it was perfectly red and unrecognizable. It took 3 or 4 people to pull me off the cock.

sighs Why can’t I have fun, happy dreams more often? The kind you hate waking up from.

When I was bitching to Tom about there not being any home jobs that pay at least minimum wage, he said everyone would be doing them if there were. Really? I thought most people would want to work outside of the house and be around other people.

I had to laugh when Tom said he worried if I’d be able to survive an adult community without blasting music. LOL, I don’t have to blast music. I do it cuz it’s more convenient than using the iPod when I’m cleaning or something like that. I’d worry more about how well others will control their dogs there than anything I may do. I can use iPods and headphones anytime I need to. I don’t expect two big dogs to be left outside overnight to bark their asses off, but I still worry about a small dog being left out during the daytime when the people are working, or more than likely out on errands or entertaining company since we don’t seem to be allowed to have neighbors who work no matter where we live. Besides, the only pet restrictions I’ve seen mentioned so far are the size and number of dogs/cats, not that they’re not allowed to live outdoors.

Jesus, now TIP is down. What is wrong with people tonight?!

There are now at least 40 bees in the trap, so now it’s cost us about a quarter a bee. Definitely better than a buck a bee, LOL.

I haven’t heard from any Internet trolls today because they don’t have the balls to drop their masks of anonymity and show themselves before fucking with me.

No nightmares last night. Just a quick dream of drawing with a green crayon and another of being in a very old house with a very high ceiling.

Tom’s still working 10-hour shifts and is tired but getting us richer by the minute. He still doesn’t get why they want to spend money on unnecessary OT. His only guess is that they want to have more employees for some reason and they hope that this is the way to achieve that.

Miss Not Allowed to Make Money has been told about what’s going on with Alison and she is so fucking enraged it isn’t funny! I’m not just pissed for her, but it only drives my anger and hatred towards men in general even deeper. And the fucked up “justice” system as well.

She made me promise not to tell anyone since she signed an agreement not to discuss it with anyone but wanted to tell me because she felt the need to get it off her chest and felt that it would help her to talk about it. She’s only got Dustin and her friend Regina, who also works where she does to talk to, and of course Kim’s too crazy to be trusted. I’ll keep it out of public though I don’t see the harm in telling Tom and Maliheh.

She lost her cyber defense job to some cock with more experience and because of some stuff going down she didn’t agree with. She was ok with this because she got a job as a security specialist immediately afterward that pays more for fewer hours. But first she was asked to train the guy who was to take her position. She agreed even though she had a bad feeling about the guy and made sure not to spend any time alone with him.

A few days later she saw him kicking and punching his soon-to-be ex in a public parking lot near the base, then he was screaming and threatening a bunch of coworkers a few days after that. Then a higher-up asks her opinion of the guy, so she gives him her take on the little cock and tells him what she saw.

She left his office with the belief that their discussion would be kept confidential. It wasn’t. The cock started threatening her both on the base and online and that’s why she shut down on Facebook, Ask and other sites. Bad move, in my opinion. She should have A, stood up to the fucking cock, and B, not shut down and sent the wrong message. Bullies like that are like dogs; you run, they chase. They prey on fear. They crave it, they live for it, and I really wish to hell they would go up against the wrong women a little more often and that will happily take them down a peg or two. Do we reach into small spaces in the desert without looking after we were surprised by a rattlesnake biting us? No, we usually think twice the next time around. Well, if God would just direct these assholes to bitches like me more often then maybe they’ll remember that they can’t always threaten or attack someone and not expect to be attacked in return. At least not always. And maybe then the little fuckers won’t want to take chances. But that’s just the thing. These cocks aren’t going to come at bitches like me who they know or at least should be able to sense will fight back. And I have absolutely zero qualms to admitting that if I am ever again threatened, lunged at or struck in any way, I don’t care what color, race, gender or how damn superior and how much of a hold you think you might have on me. I’m fighting back! And if I can’t get you with my fists or feet, I’ll get you with a weapon.

I would prefer not to have anyone make trouble for me in the first place and I’m not the kind to go looking for trouble, but I can’t stress enough just how quick I’ll be to fight back. You can call me every name in the book, but as soon as I hear threats or see you coming at me, my husband or our property, down you go. I’ll gladly go to jail for you even if no one takes assault very seriously. If they did people wouldn’t do time for threats they never wrote while these people get little more than probation and anger management classes thrown at them. Yeah, that’s what this cock got despite all his threats and violence. It infuriates the living hell out of me. A part of me wishes one of these types of cocks would come to my door and say the wrong thing at the same time I hope I’m never forced to take some cock who’s grinning with confidence and turn his “I’m gonna beat your ass, bitch” into “OMG, please, please stop! I’m sorry! I swear, I’m sorry! Oh God, please let me go!”

This has always been a concern of mine too; the thought of some cock (or even a woman) making what amounts to one too many threats causing me to simply pop like a balloon. Just explode like a volcanic mountain erupting. The night I got pissed at yet another plumbing problem in this damn place, did I really go outside after Jesse got here because I was curious as to what the hell was the problem? Or was a part of me, perhaps on a subconscious level, hoping he’d do something to provoke me into going after him and unleashing some of this fury that’s been pent up within me for years for various reasons?

I’m ashamed to say it but it’s true that for many years I turned the other cheek and walked away from things I shouldn’t have and later regretted because it only got me taken more advantage of, thus more abused. In some cases, it was legally, in some cases it was in other ways. I was too chicken for various reasons to fight back until I got older and angrier. Not fighting back has left me feeling both angry and like a coward. It isn’t just about enjoying the look of shock and embarrassment when someone smaller than them turns around and belts them hard enough to make them think twice the next time around. Nor is it just about possibly saving others from being threatened or attacked who won’t fight back. It’s about having self-respect. Maybe it’s just me, and I don’t expect those who haven’t been in my shoes to understand, but why is it I feel that not fighting back was the same as saying it was ok to do what they did to me? Oh, I’d have gone to jail, all right. And they would’ve slapped all kinds of false labels on it rather than called it what it actually was (me defending myself) and God help me even more if the perp wasn’t white, but any time I did in jail would’ve been worth it in the end. Just like some people would die to defend this country, I will go to jail for you if you threaten or attack me. Again, though, if you’re a man or you haven’t been in my shoes, don’t even think of judging me or telling me I’m being “unreasonable.” You can’t possibly know how I feel.

Judges make examples out of some perps by going extra hard on some of them. Well, I wish some women would make examples of themselves. Sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves isn’t going to change things.

Yet those who have threatened me in the past (though I’ll admit there weren’t many) have always had some kind of a hold on me where as much as I may’ve wanted to fight, win or lose, I couldn’t because something more important was in jeopardy. This left me feeling even more like a coward, but when this chick in jail threatened me, I couldn’t “lose it” on her, though I came so incredibly close and it was all I could do to keep from making her just try to put her actions where her mouth was (though she probably could have) because I would’ve been thrown on restriction. That would have meant no visitation or commissary. Well, Tom wasn’t worth throwing away to this bitch and neither were my Milky Ways or more batteries for my radio. Now if I ran into this bitch on the streets where there weren’t any holds on me when she threatened me, that’d be different, though I’d be more likely to go to jail for attacking a woman than a man. A man’s simply going to be too embarrassed and ashamed to admit he took one from a woman. It’d be like my getting my ass beat by someone half my size. You don’t think I’d be embarrassed? Sure I would be, even though I’m smart enough to know that size and gender isn’t what determines a fighter, but rage instead and the will to fight back and defend one’s self.

But that anger lives on. It doesn’t just go away, we don’t just forget and we don’t just “get over it.” That’s why I laugh at these so-called anger management classes they throw these fuckers in. Anger isn’t a choice. None of our emotions are. We can’t trick, manipulate or control our emotions and be reaching into our brains and flicking little switches at will. The only thing that could maybe curb some of the anger is if our perps apologized to us or tried to compensate for their shit somehow, but that’s not going to happen. Therefore we remain angry and it’s not much of a choice. If it were, no one would ever feel negative emotions like anger, sadness and fear unless they had something wrong with them like Rihanna, and yes, sadly there are women who genuinely enjoy being abused by men. Hey, when you don’t fight back AND you stay with the guy, well, I gotta believe you actually get off on it. Mary sure did for a while. But these women aren’t going to stop and admit that every slap, kick and punch turns them on any more than your average cock is going to admit he’s probably a sexual fuck-up in bed and defunct as hell. So I can personally say that anger management classes are a joke. I sat in a cold hard jail cell and took cold showers and ate insanely spicy hotdogs for half a year on account of the very people who made my life a living hell for years after I had something to say about it. Then I went on to lose thousands of dollars and I won’t even get into the amount of stress and anger I experienced. If they think they started off with a pissed-off person, well, after they got done raking the legal coals over my ass, they ended up with someone a hell of a lot angrier and I’m not ashamed to admit it. No “class” can simply diffuse anger and other emotions brought on by such an atrocity. I know justice will never exist in this case. I know they have forever gotten away with it. I know nothing can undo what was done. But I’m never not going to feel a sense of anger over what happened and simply forget about it. A million-dollar check and a public apology in the very paper that libeled the hell out of me could never change that. It would help, but it wouldn’t change or undo what’s already been done. I was eventually vindicated, even though it was 2½ years too late, but the papers weren’t exactly as quick to shout that from the rooftops, were they? “You gotta forgive” people have told me, promising me that I would feel oh so much better in the end. But how? How?

I’m tired of the double standards in the courts as well as the reverse discrimination. Had this cock been a woman going around kicking ass and making threats, she’d have been fired and jailed. I don’t doubt that for a minute.

As I told Aly, I wouldn’t have let the cock drive me offline. That’s what it wants. Instead of running scared, she should get angry and let him come at her with his online threats and taunts and gather more evidence against him, joke of a system or not. If she deletes it then she has nothing to back up her word. Goes to prove that a certain someone from my past was never really scared. No, it was all about hate and anger for them, but never fear cuz if you are genuinely victimized and if you are genuinely scared, you do run and hide. Not throw yourself out there as bait.

I’m just so pissed for Aly! If I were the cock that’s bullying her and I didn’t believe in guardian angels, I would now. That’s because if that had been me he threatened, I’d make it so he NEVER threatened another woman again! So something was looking out for this cock, though he’ll never know it. Ugh, I just fucking hate these low-life cocks and when women don’t stand up to them! Aly said she’s been bullied too much as a kid to take it as an adult, but I just wish more women would do more. Studies have shown time and time again that there is no “stronger” or “weaker” sex any more than there is a dumber or smarter race. The problem is that men tend to have more of a temper than women, thus giving women the false label of being weaker. Just because women would prefer to work problems out with their voices and not their fists, doesn’t mean they’re weaker. Just wish they’d do something. Beat ‘em, shoot ‘em, something. Yes, more women would go to jail in the end, but more of these little shit cocks would be more hesitant to fuck with just anyone. Ok, so some of them still wouldn’t get it. Some of them truly believe they can beat anyone. But how the hell can the number of these types of attacks and threats not go down if more women are serving up a taste of their own medicine? Sometimes two wrongs really can make a right.

On the bright side, sooner or later this cock is going to make the grave mistake of going up against a crazy bitch like me because no matter how good we are at judging and sensing people, we’re not always 100% correct. It really is nice to have guys like Tom in the world cuz most cocks are just a bunch of dumb-ass cowards who think they’re the baddest till they cross the wrong person. I wish there were more Paulas in the world, though Paula tends to beat guys just for the fun of it and that’s wrong. I’ve always been against people being violent toward those who don’t deserve it. Violence should be reserved for those who threaten or attack us or who burn our houses down and shit like that. Still, I’m just tired of seeing human shit like this walk away with little more than a slap on the wrist if even that. Meanwhile, I never touched anyone (our old neighbors) and look what happened to me. Like I said, I hope I will never again meet anyone like this or like this cock Aly’s dealing with, but if I do, I already feel bad for them. I really do.

Ah, that feels better. Not as good as it would feel to see this cock get the beating of his life from his ex or someone else, but writing really is therapeutic. My own perps will never see a day in jail, but they can’t stop me from venting. I just can’t do this one in public cuz I promised Aly I wouldn’t. She says things have died down there a bit while this cock is under strict watch, but she’s still worried. I don’t blame her. With all the trigger-happy psychos you hear of that end up losing it at universities and military bases, it makes me worry, too. I’d like to think the cock would know that harming or killing Aly means going to prison, but some people just don’t give a shit. Some people are actually happier there. I was in jail and not prison, and I was with women of course and not men, but many of them genuinely seemed to enjoy being there and were very happy to be in a place where they didn’t have to pay rent, bills or anything like that and where they could have all their meals (even if dog food would’ve been better) cooked and delivered right to their door.

A part of me wishes women would snap and riot against men like the blacks did during the L.A. Riots. But while the thought of it may be funny as hell, it would be wrong. The blacks not only belittled and degraded themselves by proving to be poor losers acting like spoiled little kids taking a bunch of temper tantrums (though I agree that Rodney King was beaten), but they also took their anger out on innocent people. Many people lost their lives and businesses and were hurt physically and emotionally cuz of their shit. So funny thought or not, I wouldn’t want a bunch of chicks beating up on a guy like Tom simply cuz some shithead beat up on her.

Now the question is should I or shouldn’t I share this with Tom? Well, he’s complained before that too many emails detract from his time spent looking for a place, and I know he’s been tired and overworked a lot lately. He was also never one to handle other people’s stress very well. He’s the type who tends to defend, play down and make excuses for who/whatever you’re angry with and can sometimes make a person feel worse afterward even if he certainly doesn’t mean to, so nah. I’ll share it with just Maliheh. I thought about sharing it with Aly, but I said enough to her about how I felt about the situation and cocks like this, so rather than risk all this writing making her uncomfortable even if I tell her it’s private, I’ll skip sharing it with her. Andy’s trustworthy, but I don’t want him to accidentally slip in public. So it will be for Maliheh and myself. I don’t want to send it to Nane cuz it’s so long, though she’s aware of the situation. Not what happened with Aly but my feelings toward men in general. I just needed to get this off my chest just like Aly needed to get it off hers. Maliheh can be trusted and she’ll understand.

Speaking of Nane, yesterday I watched her view a particular entry – and I know it was her – then turn around and ask me about it in a message. Now why would she ask me about something she just read? To try to throw me off and into thinking it wasn’t her that visited? Most people definitely don’t seem to like knowing you can see their visits. Maliheh was spooked by it, Andy was spooked by it, though he never admitted it, and Christiane denied visiting me altogether.

Later...

I was sitting here thinking about the many injustices of this world and how angry they and the system make me. I can’t right all the wrongs in the world, but what if I could “avenge” some of them? Registered sex offenders who move into the area are required to have their addresses listed online for anyone to see. All one has to do is look up these animals in any given town, city or state. These sick, incurable animals that the courts keep tossing back out at us to harm us over and over and over and over again while they get off on some technicality or because some equally twisted judge feels sorry for them because they may’ve abused as children.

But if the courts won’t do their job, should it fall upon us the people to do it for them? At the same time, these little fucks are blessed with the privilege of residing amongst us, the pigs don’t exactly feel sorry for them should bad things fall upon them.

Well, what if that bad thing was me? Yeah, what if? What if I happened by their house one day? What if they let me in, assuming a woman couldn’t hurt them? What if they were wrong? What if that woman did hurt them and take out or at least disable one more dangerous person and release a lot of anger while she was at it? What if?

howls and squeals with excitement as ideas form in her mind What if for just one night of their lives, they got to feel what their victims felt? What if? What if I let them live so they could suffer with what I did to them during those few hours I toyed and tortured them? What if I left them crying, degraded, and begging for mercy?

The problem? Well, for one I don’t drive. Secondly, Tom certainly wouldn’t approve of it. I also don’t have a weapon for those I may not be able to handle with my hands. Lastly, I wouldn’t have the guts to pull this off even if I could.