OMG, this is SOOO fucking funny! Especially if it works and it seems to be so far. The troll never takes more than a week off from my blog, so I’ll know for sure soon enough. She’s in almost every day. I looked for ways to block IPs for free and found a site that lets you block up to 3 IPs for free. If I installed the code in the proper place, the troll will be redirected to the site. She is going to be in for a real WTF? moment! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

I was almost tempted to block Andy, too. If I did I wouldn’t have to worry about him leaving any nasty comments and then I wouldn’t have to disable that and block wanted comments just to keep him out. But I think I’ll leave him alone so long as he doesn’t go causing any trouble. Molly’s a whole different story, though. She’s nosing in my blog because she likes to stalk people that dislike her and she wants to see if she or any of her former friends are mentioned.

One more day of work for Tom then it’s back to listing stuff on eBay. I just hope he doesn’t come home saying that they said the job has ended and not to come back next Monday! I don’t think it would be them to tell him that, though. Last time the temp agency called in the evening to break the lovely news.

I’m debating whether or not I want to run today and yes, I’m using PMS as an excuse if I don’t. :) It’s so nice to have only the physical symptoms of PMS this time around and not the emotional ones. I guess it really helps to have a life once and for all! I just keep hoping it lasts.

Later…

Heard from Andy on Formspring and am glad I did. :) Deep down I was hoping I would, too. Getting pissed is one thing, but the thought of literally never talking to him again is another. Like it or not the guy’s like family, LOL. We’ve been through so much together and we have so much in common and have known each other all our lives.

Anyway, he said he was glad I was back on Formspring, loves me, was depressed for a month, and hopes I’ve forgiven him for offending me. As I told him, we all say shit we shouldn’t say at times, including me.

He’ll be in Phoenix next week and offered to take pics of our old house, but nah. Who needs reminders since I wasn’t very happy there? The only thing I miss about the place is the pool.

He said he read about the day they stopped our Unemployment checks and said he prayed really hard for Tom to get a job. Well, something listened, that’s for sure. And its timing couldn’t have been better. We could’ve made it with eBay in addition to this job, but not with the toy store job.

What we don’t get is why someone asked personal questions about him and why he can’t leave blog comments. I checked several times and it’s not only set to allow for anonymous comments, but I turned the modifier off too, so comments should post immediately.

He got a kick out of the dream I had where I was bike riding with a topless Shelley. I’m not surprised, LOL.

Unless the troll simply skipped out on nosing into my blog today, it looks like I did apply the block successfully. :)

“25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Today we have Obama, no cash and no hope.” 

LOL

Someone sent me a link on my diary and my first thought was that it was just someone trying to sell me something. But instead, it was a beautiful song and video about faith.

It got me thinking about that horrifying moment when Tom returned from the mail place and the grocery store and said, “You were right, no more Unemployment checks.” That gut-wrenching moment when my heart seemed to drop to the pit of my stomach and then me saying: You’ve filled out every goddamn application you could just to get nowhere these last 6 months! It’s the middle of the month and we haven’t a penny toward the rent. What are the odds of you getting a job in just two weeks?!”

And then by some miracle, he got a job, the doll we thought would sell for $150 sold for $435, a friend I haven’t seen since I was 11 cared to do more than just read about my situation and sent us some money even though I didn’t ask for a dime because I did not think we would survive anyway.

I still don’t know what saved us, but the timing was so amazingly miraculous that I find it hard to believe it was “coincidental.” I just wish I didn’t have to live in the fear of the shit hitting the fan for the zillionth time so I could fully enjoy the good times we’re presently experiencing. I’m not ungrateful and it’s not like I’m not enjoying them or that I could ever take times like this for granted. But the pattern is there. We’ve only had a few short bursts of smoother sailing since coming to Cali. Usually for just a few weeks with one of those bursts lasting for 6 months. So knowing we’ve been down much more than we’ve been up, it’s really hard not to fear that evil doesn’t silently lurk in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce yet again.

Will there be any miracle to save us next time?

For a while, I had no will to live. Then I thought I had no choice in the matter anyhow. But once I saw the first faint glimmer of hope I fought to live and to basically help get our lives back.

I run 3 miles most days of the week. I work my arms for 20 minutes and then my abs for an additional 10 minutes. I get pissed as easily as I don’t get scared. Despite some flab still hanging on, your average man and woman could not take me. looks toward the devil lurking in the shadows Wanna try me again MF?

Later…

I reactivated Formspring, though I admit I did it more because I’m curious to see if Andy contacts me than for any other reason. I like how you can now add pics to questions/answers. I probably shouldn’t bother, though, since he’s probably just going to piss me off again sooner or later.

Tom’s job is still going well, I’m still busy working online, and we’re nearly at $700 in eBay sales. :) Sydney sold yesterday for $68 and will be going down to SoCal, Emme has two bids, and Tyler just got her first bid. I could do this every day! But sooner or later we will run out of things to sell or have to put them on hold till we can get more boxes. But we’re making enough now that we can spend money on boxes if we can’t find any for free. Can’t wait to list the Barbie lot and Tonner fashions this weekend, though. Not sure if we’ll list any more Tonner dolls just yet.

I love Tom and he’s a helluva great guy who’s more than ideal, but as with myself and everyone else on the planet, he’s not perfect. I sometimes wish he had more of a sense of humor and was more passionate, but I think that’s just part of his shy nature. Having a sense of humor and being more passionate are traits that tend to go more with aggressive types and those kinds of people can be worse overall in some cases.

I definitely wish he was younger! I’ve always liked older women and a few men. But as we ourselves start to get older we start focusing on the fact that women usually live 5-10 years longer than guys and when your husband’s 8½ years older than you, you wish he could suddenly be 5-10 years younger.

No scary dreams. Not unless you want to call bike riding with a topless Shelley Rome scary, LOL. Her chest looked exactly like a man’s too, only it was hairless. I am a bit worried, however, that we may have a propane leak of some kind around here cuz I swore the smell of propane woke me up and I can smell it in the kitchen somewhat. I really thought we were out because right at the very end when the tank empties out it does put out the smell of propane a bit. But we both showered just fine this morning so we’ll see.

Later…

I don’t get some people. Not only do I not get why someone would read the journal of someone they didn’t like as a person stated in the last post, but why would anyone tell me, “Why don’t you just aim to please? If it makes a friend happy, why not say you’re for or against something they’re for or against, and if they don’t believe or understand you, why not just say you’re only joking or something like that?”

You’ve got to be kidding, right? I was thinking to myself when I read this. Well, maybe I not only wouldn’t be being true to myself but maybe also because I would be lying to them if I conveniently agreed with them and said that I believed green was the best color in the world simply because they think it is. I’m all for making my friends happy in any way I can, but in an honest, reasonable kind of way. So no, I’m not going to tell you your new outfit looks great if I don’t believe it just because it may be what you want to hear, and I’m not going to suddenly come out and say, “Haha, I was just joking about my sleep disorder,” or something like that simply because you don’t get it or you think I’m using it as an excuse to cover for some deep dark truth I’m afraid to fess up to.

Hope that explanation is helpful to those who don’t “get” that I just don’t get them at times either. :)

People have been asking me to reactivate Formspring, but I don’t think I’d have any use for it. That site was making more and more changes faster than I could get used to them and causing things to be so damn glitchy. I’ll still think about it. Should I or shouldn’t I? I sometimes miss using the site with Andy. I’d agree to keep my mouth shut about suicide, even if I’m feeling suicidal as hell if he could agree to keep his shut about my sleep thing, but somehow I doubt he would agree to this. We’d probably just fight about something else anyway.

Becky called to let me know she wouldn’t have time to post the VH pics, some of which may include Barb D, one of the 3 evil witches who worked there. I decided to try looking her up since I’ve wanted to give her a piece of my mind for nearly 30 years, but I’m not sure if I found the right one. Coincidentally my search happened to pull up a profile of a woman in MA who has worked at schools (though VH wasn’t mentioned) and whose profile picture looked like it may be her. The age seemed right and the hair did too, but I’m not sure it was the one I was looking for. Becky didn’t think so. She said the nose was wrong and that Barb had an athletic build. Maybe so, but most of us get fat with age and don’t diet/exercise.

As adults, we laugh most insults off, but for her to make the crack, “You’ve got all that fat to keep you warm” was so mean and hurtful when I had one of my fat spells thanks to some of the meds they had me doped up on. I was only 16 at the time and I definitely didn’t need her cruelty adding to my stress. I was also aware of the dual standards that existed at that joke of a “school” and so I said absolutely nothing about it. If only I’d been like I am now back then, but lucky for her I wasn’t because I’d have ultimately gotten her ass fired. I really have to wonder how people like her could work in the mental health field in the first place, let alone with children. Well, we’ll see if I get a reply to the message I sent, but I doubt I will even if it is her.

Why is it I can become familiar to fluent in 8 languages but can’t catch all my story typos even after THREE rounds of editing??? Either way and as I told Aly when she emailed me with a question regarding her own story, I haven’t been writing much at all. I think my mind is still reeling from the events of the past two weeks that I can’t really focus just yet. Less than two weeks ago we had one foot in the grave and now life is just wonderful. It’s a real mind-blower to have gone from wanting to die to believing we’re going to die no matter what to him making more money than we’d get if we were both working minimum-wage jobs. Almost, anyway. He’d have to do some OT. Speaking of that, if he’s still there when it gets even busier, we’ll really be raking in the dough! Cali does OT per day, so just 3 extra hours a week with time and a half is over $100 extra a week. OT is somewhat common there, too. Maybe we can save $500 to a grand a month after all. Unless they hire him on and we decide to go with a bigger, newer adult community rental. That’ll be the tough part; deciding whether or not to stay where it’s smaller and dumpier but cheaper, or go with bigger, newer, but more expensive.

No propane leak to worry about after all, since Tom said he did switch tanks before he left because just like my bloodhound nose thought was the case, the tank really was empty. How the hell did I manage to sleep through his switching tanks, though???

Both dolls have 2 bids, but there are still 3 days to go yet so I don’t expect much more action till the final hour.

I was cleaning up my contacts list when I came across Marilena’s email address and decided to send the bigot a picture of these two lesbians kissing, LOL.

Sydney’s up to $44 with 4 hours left to go. God, I can’t believe that less than two weeks ago we were told our Unemployment checks had stopped and had virtually nothing for the rent since the last two checks of the month were supposed to pay the rent. Now, after trying and trying for months, my husband not only has a job but has had to turn down a job. Oh, and paying the rent will be no problem, yay! I just hope it lasts more than a few weeks to a few months! Even if they don’t hire him on permanently; that’s ok as long as they let him keep working. We’re not stupid. We know most people don’t hire permanent workers these days. Not until the healthcare reform goes through anyway.

Tom says he’s sure Jesse didn’t get another dog because he only saw the two dogs hanging out with him the other day.

I saw that Texas did away with last-meal requests for those on death row since they were fed up with the insane requests some of them would make. This is good, too. Their victims didn’t get to choose their last meal, so why should they? I’m all for an “eye for an eye” versus the “two wrongs don’t make a right” theory. Sometimes two wrongs don’t make a right, but sometimes it does. No sense in paying to house hopeless, hardcore criminals when we can simply get rid of them. I don’t even think we should get rid of them in such a kind way, either. I think we should give them what they gave their victims. If they raped, rape ‘em back, cut their dicks off, and shove them down their throats till they choke to death. If they stabbed, stab ‘em back. If they shot someone, shoot ‘em. If they committed arson and it killed someone, torch the fucker. Every wife-beater should be beaten as well, but I say let the women beat their men and get away with it. Women don’t usually attack men unless they’re attacked first. I can only think of a few women who beat up on guys just for the thrill of it or because they had anger management issues. Usually, when a man gets beaten by a woman it’s because he lashed out at her first.

I was a real cock beater myself in my dreams last night, LOL. I guess I was at the grocery store or something and I was pissed. Just like in reality, when a woman is pissed she knows it’s because of whatever it is that’s pissed her off, but as far as guys are concerned, she must be PMSing. So after this guy makes cracks about women, PMS and God knows what else, the guy said something that apparently really pissed me off and made me snap. I don’t know what the hell he said, but I told him I’d kick the crap out of him if he didn’t shut up. Naturally, he didn’t believe I could and he just laughed. Using the element of surprise to my advantage against the out-of-shape cock, I punched him in the throat as fast and as hard as I could. With him stunned and choking, I then kicked him in the balls. When he doubled over I kicked him in the head, but he just wouldn’t go down. Not until I whacked him real hard behind the knees. Once I got him down I stomped on his head and neck. Gosh, I gotta have killed the poor bastard for sure!

Anyway, speaking of being pissed, I’m getting really sick and tired of hearing about people getting the credit they simply don’t deserve. Especially when it’s for things that never directly affected them. Why are today’s Indians exempt from paying taxes because the government stole land from yesterday’s Indians? Why are blacks given so many breaks today because their ancestors may’ve been slaves? If that’s the case then where’s my compensation for my ancestors that died in the holocaust? Really, the government should concentrate on those concentration camp breaks I ought to get for people who suffered and are no longer even alive if others can get breaks for the same thing. I am just so, so sick of people feeling they have to make others “pay them back” for things that they had absolutely nothing to do with!

Later…

Today I got messages from Maliheh and Christine and I chatted with C.

Maliheh had been busy doing a show with students and is now looking for more students. I had no idea she was doing shows at this time. I thought that was only a Christmas thing. She said now that the show’s over she’ll have more time to write. Yeah, right.

Christine is being run ragged by work and her boyfriend’s kids.

C rocks. :) He’s really cool to chat with. He makes statements just enough to let me know he likes me, but like Mitch, he doesn’t go overboard and come off like a desperate pervert either.

We got sidetracked and ended up so busy throughout most of the weekend that by the time we got around to listing more things, we were pretty burned out. Therefore, we only listed two more dolls. Next week we’ll list Tonner doll clothes, Barbies and whatever else we may get around to listing.

I still can’t believe we got $435 for just one doll!!! She’s on her way to New Jersey. I expected $40 - $50 for Aqua Angelina, but she sold for $60 and is on her way to Milford, MA. Next up in 7 hours is Marley, Tyler’s little sister. She’s currently at $41.

Today I gotta jump on the Tonner site and find out the names of some of the fashions that I can’t remember, then decide how I want to group the Barbies. I’m going to basically be selling most of them in one giant lot, hanging on to just the top favorites for now.

Anyway, Tom will soon be off to work and I gotta get going now with working out, showering, and then get to work as well. :)

Later…

Tom said one of the dogs has taken to howling but I hadn’t heard this until I stepped outside for a few minutes earlier. Howling isn’t annoying to me like barking is, but I wonder (and worry) that he may’ve gotten another dog. Howling is something only puppies usually do, isn’t it? And why would either of the other dogs suddenly take to howling?

Either way, Tom says he thinks we’re out of here next year. That’s what my vibes say but not what my logic says. If we are, though, we’ll only have to deal with someone else’s dogs, not that I still don’t wish we could have a bigger place someday, preferably a real house. I think I’d still like an adult community, too. Ok, so we’d still have to deal with barking and we’d be back with the car stereos again, but the only kids we’d have to deal with would be the ones that visited the neighbors. We’d also never have to worry about ending up next to welfare bums that will trash the place and never let us hear ourselves think. Since when have you ever heard of retirement communities accepting Section 8 freeloaders? On top of all this, we would have cable and regular trash/mail service.

Getting to bigger, better places could very well be just a dream like it has been for a while now, as they could lay my husband off and throw us right back on “death row.” This was the one thing dampening my excitement of being able to see him off to work this morning as opposed to having yet another Monday roll around with us wondering if anyone would call during the week.

I thought it would take me just an hour or two to sort through the Barbies and decide how I want to sell them. Wrong! It took me nearly 6 hours just to make sure they were dressed properly and gather up the extra clothes, shoes and accessories, and then do the write-up. I’ll be doing a lot of 43 Barbies and friends which will get rid of most of them. I’m going to be hanging onto 12 of my favorites for now.

The people in the Northeast really like Tonner dolls! Marley sold for $51 and will be off to New York. We’re currently over $600 in total sales! We hadn’t even had Emme listed for 5 minutes when she got a bid, but Tyler doesn’t have a bid yet.

Yesterday turned out to be an exciting day! The Harry Potter doll sold for a mind-boggling $435! We were both astonished! I gotta wonder why is something being so good to us all of a sudden just like I wondered why it was being so shitty to us for the last 4 years.

Despite being a full-time writer and part-time artificial intelligence worker, I don’t make much, so it’s nice that my old collectibles can contribute something other than dust these days. Then again, this doll isn’t that old. I got Hermione in 2007 right before we left Oregon for $110. I’d say we definitely profited from her!

Unless something comes up, we’ll be listing tons of stuff today, along with the stuff that’s still currently up for grabs.

Guess we’re not done with the temps in the 90s just yet after all. It’s cloudy and cool today in the 70s, but in a couple of days, it will be back in the 90s.

Yesterday was quiet, though I still didn’t do much writing. I didn’t even hear the motorcycle.

We did some grocery shopping this morning and stopped at the mail place. No postcards from Nane yet, but the check from Eileen was there. It was for $150. How generous! She’s still gonna end up being a tremendous help to us because we didn’t exactly budget our food stamps to last, LOL since we thought we wouldn’t make it.

With two hours still left to go, the Harry Potter doll is now just over $200, yay! Plus we have 3 more dolls that should end up going for about $50 a piece, and my 5” wedge sandals are on their way to Illinois right now along with a game I won that’s going down to SoCal.

After we returned home, we ate and then rushed back out to Wells Fargo to open a combination checking and savings account. We don’t do checks or credit cards, but this way we were able to get Eileen’s check cashed without fees and have his work checks deposited there as well. The less we use debit cards, the fewer fees we have to pay each time we use them.

So it’s been a productive day so far but not nearly as fun as in my dreams last night. Yeah, I had the second dream in less than a week of us moving to Florida, this one very detailed!

I was talking about dream premonitions with Christine and she and I both agree that anyone can access this ability, but most don’t for some reason. She also said she thinks men don’t usually remember their dreams and have the kind of detailed dreams women have. Funny she should say that too, because Tom rarely remembers his dreams.

In the dream, we were in the car and we must’ve come from California (though I don’t know that it was from this trailer) because I said to Tom, “Wow, it doesn’t look like California, does it, even though that dead-looking tree over there looks like it could be anywhere.”

He said no, it didn’t look like California, and then the only part that didn’t make sense was him going on about some event he supposedly attended in Idaho, but he’s never really been to Idaho.

Next, I pulled the cell from my purse and found a message waiting from my parents. Dad was saying something about a storm doing something to some trees. Then I called them back but got their voicemail. I told them I just wanted to let them know we made it safely across but that they shouldn’t call back because we only had 8 minutes on the phone at the moment.

I have been analyzing the dream like crazy, though details don’t usually mean much as opposed to the big picture. I didn’t know where Tom would work or how much money he would make; I only knew when he’d be working and not even the exact date. I wish I could have more detailed dream premonitions/visions/vibes and that I could consciously will info to me while awake, but that’s out of my league.

It’s funny because when I’m not thinking about how excited I am for Tom for getting this job, and when I’m not worried about them laying him off before April and sending us right back into the same nightmare we’ve been trying to escape for 4 years now, I’m having fun trying to decipher this dream and whether or not it could mean anything. It’s frustrating but fun. I “feel” the dreams mean something but looking at it from a logical standpoint while wide awake, there’s nothing to say we could ever get to Florida. In fact, there’s nothing to say we could ever escape this goddamn trailer. But if they aren’t truly glimpses into the future then something’s doing a damn good job of making it look like they are. I’ve never had dreams of moving to Florida before last week; just of visiting. And sometimes when I visit I wish I could stay.

If my parents are really still alive when and if we move there, then Tom couldn’t yet be retired. And if this is the case, I wonder if I could be sitting on a big win because if the job ends up being permanent and they want to throw more and more money at him, we’re not going to throw that away. But if the pay stays around what it is, we may not be able to save enough to make the move. We say we’d like to save a grand a month but even $500 may be just a dream. And of course, getting a bigger rental may slow down the savings too, so let’s just hope the damn job becomes permanent so we can eventually figure everything else out. Right now I can say that this Saturday is a stark contrast to last Saturday! I can’t believe we were the same people with seemingly no way to survive and no miracle on the horizon. As the month wore on we both thought I was going to be wrong with the September job dream.

I called my folks for real but their machine was messed up. Hopefully, they got the message anyway.

Although Tom’s sore, he says the place is high-tech and seems like it may be a place that will hire him on permanently. Ah, but that’s what the last place seemed like. At least this place isn’t talking time frames. The last two jobs did specifically say they would be 1-2 weeks, then 2-4 months (although he worked 6). If they do lay him off, though, I’ll know it before he does because my dreams will tell me. I may not dream of exactly what’s going to happen, but I will have certain kinds of nightmares signaling trouble ahead. Yeah, falling in love is ok but falling in my dreams is never a good thing. If we, or anyone we know, falls in my dreams or is in a violent situation, trouble’s coming for that person.

It was so, so nice to be able to wake up actually wanting to face the day and feeling like I have a reason to live instead of wanting to throw the covers over my head, go back to sleep and never wake up. I do, however, still have a lot of anger towards whatever’s up there for allowing so many catastrophes into our lives and for pushing me to the brink of insanity like it did. I also live in the fear that for the millionth time, our world will be turned upside down again. All they have to do is lay him off before April and we’re in the same boat we were in just days ago. That’s a tough thing to have to live with, but each month that they keep him and we see our savings build up – if we can just get to that point – we’ll rest a little easier. We hope to save a grand a month starting in a month or two. We have to get the propane tank filled first.

Our eBay sales are doing both good and bad. The dolls are rocking. With just 4 dolls we’re over $300 in sales. It’s the Beanie Babies that aren’t doing well. We had two lots listed. One didn’t sell and the other sold for practically nothing even though we overcharged on shipping. At least they’re out of the way even if we still have over 200 more to sell.

It is nice to have my worst problem right now be the never-ending site changes that annoy the hell out of me. I’m so sick of the changes on Facebook that I might shut my account down. I’ve learned not to get hooked on too many sites as what I came to like about it in the first place will surely change sooner or later. That’s another reason I don’t miss Formspring. They were making more and more changes which were causing more and more problems. Blogger rarely changes, though.

This should be our last day in the 90s, then from tomorrow through the 2nd, it’s to be in the 80s with a couple of days in the 70s.

Later…

Tom’s up now and says his feet are sore because he’s not used to wearing boots all day and the warehouse was hot, but he likes the job so far. They even made him sign a paper saying he wouldn’t work anywhere else while he was there. Well, he can; he’d just have to get permission. They worry about valuable information being passed along since they deal with very high-tech electronics. There’s security all over the place there.

Since I got all the laundry and house cleaning out of the way, I’m going to work on my story today so long as Jesse doesn’t go ruining the peace. He’s been pretty quiet lately, though. I don’t expect him to get to be a nuisance till the rains start up as that’s when he’s out running around on the bulldozer and using his loud, obnoxious truck to level out his driveway.

Later…

I have to wonder for the zillionth time how the world ended up full of so many hypocrites. Oh, I’m fine right now; it’s a friend I feel bad for. She’s being picked on and teased by someone who’s just as guilty of being what they’re picking on her for.

Let’s see… I’ve been picked on for my weight by those fatter than I’ll ever be. I’ve been made fun of for being poor by those who have also struggled. And I’ve had cracks made about my sleep disorder by someone who has his own sleep disorder even if it’s a different kind that I don’t get, and has been told that “everyone” has a sleep disorder. First of all, not everyone has a sleep disorder. I’ve lived with my husband long enough to be able to say that he sleeps just fine. Secondly, there are different types of sleep disorders and some are certainly more serious than others. It’s like comparing someone who walks with a slight limp to someone in a wheelchair.

Anyway, I don’t know what irks me more – those who are everything they accuse/tease others of being or those who just don’t get it and who haven’t had any experience with something that someone else has and that knows firsthand what it’s like and what’s really going on.

As frustrating as these know-it-alls can be I can sort of relate. No matter how many times people tell me I’m wrong and no matter how many medical articles I may read also saying I’m wrong, I don’t believe in multiple personalities. I say it’s all an act to fit their present mood. If they’re feeling weak and vulnerable, then they pretend to be some wimpy being named whatever. And when they’re in a bitchy mood, out conveniently comes so and so as an excuse for what may be aggressive behavior on their part. The part of the real and only person, that is, whose name is on their birth certificate.

I also acknowledge, however, that I just don’t get it. I’ve never been anyone other than Jodi. Just boring old Jodi. So who am I to judge – right? – even though I do it anyway.

I have some absolutely FANTASTIC news! First, I had stopped doing my daily please-keep-us-happy-and-healthy prayers cuz I got so damn mad at God for letting so many shitty things happen to us for so damn long. I was so, so angry that He could allow for not just such frustration but for what was sheer psychological terror at times. Then for some reason, I started praying like crazy during those desperate moments for him to get the job at the toy store. He did. Then I again prayed like crazy for him to get the job he went on an interview for yesterday. He did! Coincidence? I don’t know. But I do know that just when something was toying with us and pushing us further and further toward the edge of a cliff, something then reached out to save us. Although I am grateful to know we’ll survive despite life’s bad points and the fact that our lives still may never be ideal, I still hope we one day make it to Florida. Yeah, I can’t get that dream off my mind! It left me with one of those “feelings” that only we dream premonitioners understand saying it might’ve meant something. It was raining and we seemed to be near Miami.

Anyway, while he was out on the interview and I was multitasking here at home between eBay, writing, cleaning, and the job site I work at, all I kept thinking about was how the toy store might very well not be enough to save us even with our eBay store, Eileen, and other things we do. It was better than nothing, but probably not enough since it was part-time and shit pay.

Then he came home and I asked how it went before he even got inside. Instead of the usual, “ok” or “I’m not sure,” he said, “It went really well.”

This job involves working in the receiving department of a warehouse in Roseville and involves tasks that many people find too difficult but that he’s had experience with. They just had to let some people go who couldn’t handle it. When he applied online for the job they called him and told him to check his email because they wanted him to take some tests online on how to run some programs which he easily passed. Then they called him in for the face-to-face interview and Tom said the guy said, “We have more people to interview but I just want you to know that I’m really smitten with you.” This was the big boss. The big boss then turned to the little boss and said, “This is just the type of person we need here.”

It was around 10:30 when he returned from the interview and we didn’t expect to hear from anyone until the afternoon. But not even an hour later the phone rang. I nearly choked on the fish stick that was in my mouth. He grabbed the cell and ran outside for better reception. A few minutes later he came in to tell me his background check had been done and he got the job. In an instant tears of joy sprung forth as if they’d been contained by a dam, my half-chewed fish stick still in my mouth.

After we hugged and kissed like crazy, out he rushed for a drug test and new steel-toed boots with me laughing, crying and just totally flying as if I were on drugs. It was hard to believe we were the same people researching death by carbon monoxide poisoning by sealing ourselves up in a room and lighting charcoal, and that received that horrible, gut-wrenching fuck off letter from our lovely government last Saturday. I really thought whatever’s up there had that happen to lead us to our deaths and not because it knew we wouldn’t be needing those Unemployment checks anymore. And good riddance to them, too! Really, it was so like being forced welfare bums, not at all what we want in life.

What’s got us so ballistic with joy this time around is that this is a FULL-TIME job with GREAT pay at $13! This job also holds the most potential to become PERMANENT which would mean eventually having REAL insurance for the first time in nearly a decade!!! Woo-hoo!!! Yes, anything could go wrong between now and April when we’d be eligible for Unemployment once again, but this looks so much more promising not just because of how the interview went but because this is a company that’s still thriving despite the collapse of the economy and always has a steady supply of work. The other places didn’t. The other places also told him up front that it would only be for X amount of weeks or months.

And so last spring’s September job dream I felt was a premonition came true twice over!!! He’ll have to tell the toy store, thanks but no thanks, of course, LOL, and we’ll lose all our food subsidies in a few months. Yes, all of them. LOL, that’s just fine, though.

He wonders why they offered him so much money since he made it clear he’d be willing to work for the $11 stated online, but we’re just so, so thrilled and relieved! I really thought we were dead for sure. I’m still pretty emotional. The things we take for granted can sometimes take on a whole new meaning after we’ve been pushed so far into the dark with seemingly no way out whatsoever. Imagine the gut-wrenching horror of knowing your income has suddenly stopped and you have NO friends and family in the area to run to?!?! I’m no social butterfly who goes to clubs or anything like that and I never intentionally sought out cyber-friends that lived in my area, so I never had reason to have any friends around here. Also, Tom hadn’t worked enough to make friends at work and as we both agree, it’s better to keep friends and work separated anyway. You never know what trouble mixing the two may bring.

Just thinking that the main propane tank is going to be full soon enough is pretty damn emotional enough for me, as funny as it sounds. For too many months to keep track of we’ve had to fill small 5-gallon tanks so we could take showers, unable to afford to fill the main tank that holds 120 gallons. But soon we’ll be stuffing that sucker full as hell! When that incredibly loud propane truck gets here it will be like music to my ears. The whole place practically vibrates when that monster truck is here shooting that tank up, but we shouldn’t need them till next month.

I asked Tom if he thought I’d be right with the September job dream being a premonition. He said he did but was getting a little concerned as the month wore on. Yeah, I was getting a little concerned too, then I got a LOT more than a little concerned come last Saturday, and I really have to wonder how the hell one’s life can change so much so fast! How could we have had what was just about the worst day not just since we’ve been here but since we’ve known each other, to one of the best in less than a week?!?! It’s truly mind-boggling how I had the runs so bad from fear, stress and depression that my gut couldn’t have gotten much flatter if it tried, and now I’m so ecstatic! If we never again go through anything half as scary it’ll be too soon!

I hope to one day be able to go to a sleep clinic and have my sleep disorder officially diagnosed so I can get my disability reinstated. I believe that if you can’t work outside of the house, then you should be entitled to benefits. And while my symptoms are as obvious as a bleeding thumb, I will need it officially diagnosed to get the ball rolling as far as that goes. I know some people don’t get it and perhaps they don’t want to, but some things are just obvious. This kind of disorder (which worsens with age) is simple to diagnose, too. They just test your melatonin levels. That’s what causes this and narcolepsy, an even worse sleep disorder where you spontaneously fall asleep at any given moment, even if you may be driving. Other symptoms aren’t nearly as obvious like why I sometimes get lightheaded. That could be caused by a million different things and I couldn’t even begin to guess at a diagnosis there.

Anyway, sleep disorder or not, I’ll be here working on our sales, the job site, and my writing as none of it requires much of a schedule. And to deal with Jesse having to fix the heater’s blower when we finally stop having temps in the 90s. But these little nuisances seem like nothing after what we just went through. As long as things keep getting better and this state doesn’t try to kill us again, we’ll decide if we want to stay here, get into a rental in an adult community closer to where he works next summer, etc. I’m just glad we get to live to decide! Then again, if they want to eventually throw even more money at him, it just may be worth it to stick around till he retires. Just not in this trailer, although the dream clearly showed us moving from here to Florida.

This place may be too small and old (we’re still gonna sell most of our shit, though) but it sure is cheaper. I’m hoping that while we’re here we can save about a grand a month. I told Eileen to let me know if she changes her mind about the money she sent us. Really, she is a true friend! Not many would care to jump in and help us like that without being asked even if they were rich. Eileen said it was a gift not meant to be paid back, but I told her that if she’d like, we’ll try to make it without cashing that check (and I think we can), and if we do make it, we can send the check back to her.

I would always laugh at those who described life as “short.” It just never seemed that short to me for the most part. But then when you’re so sure you’re about to die, it does seem short. Even though I’ve had many of my online friends for years it just didn’t seem long enough all of a sudden, and the thought of not being around to get Nane’s postcard from Turkey or to write another story really pissed me off.

What’s funny is that they do food subsidy evaluations in 3-month increments. They just evaluated us, gave us a little more, and can’t legally stop them even if you win the lottery the next day until the end of the 3 months. I have to laugh at the thought of knowing that I will be as happy to watch them snatch them away from us as I was horrified to see the government snatch our precious little checks!

His hours will mostly be days, but they do work OT, evenings and weekends at times. One of the few good things about this state is that it does OT per day and not per week. He might even do OT today. I was teasing the hell out of him because usually, we’re opposites in what makes us nervous. Where I was a bundle of nerves over the stopped checks, he was calm, cool and collected, saying things would work out somehow. But now I’m all relieved and he’s nervous about the new job. Even if it’s in a good way I said to him: “Nervous” about the job? LMAO, once again it’s so nice to be able to transfer those nerves back to you! You can have ‘em! Enjoy them. They’re yours to keep; a gift not meant to be paid back. :)))))))))))))))

Relieved or not, I got a ton of stuff to do, so off I go now wondering about that rain that went drip-drop in that Florida dream. :))))))

Sometimes the dreams we have when we’re awake become nightmares and sometimes the nightmares we have when we’re asleep become a reality. This realization hit me yesterday and it’s so true, too. I even decided it made for a good blog subtitle.

I went back to working out but haven’t been able to focus on my stories. I may not be as stressed out as I was a few days ago but this doesn’t mean I’m in a state of bliss either. I’m still a bit wound up and having trouble concentrating. Just because we appear to be out of the woods doesn’t mean we officially are just yet. The ball has started rolling in good directions, but it hasn’t gotten far enough yet to feel much more relief than what I’ve felt so far. If he were starting a full-time job in a week I’d feel better. But unless the interview he has this morning goes well, he’s starting part-time in what may be two weeks from now.

What scares me the most is knowing that we could easily fall back into the same crisis. In fact, I fear we will keep going round and round in circles till we can get the hell out of here and that this cycle of crises won’t end until we do. Whatever’s been hell-bent on beating us down financially simply won’t let us get ahead. As soon as we start to it yanks the carpet out from under our feet. This is why I fear we’ll never get out of here. If we can’t get ahead for more than 5 minutes, then how can we ever get out of here? I know that if one is destined to be financially cursed, they will be cursed no matter what state they live in, but no state has treated us as badly in that department as Cali has. And if this is meant to go on no matter what, I’d like it to be in a state with a better climate. The weather’s still gorgeous in the 90s, but by the end of the month, that’s it. The cold and the rain will be here. It would have to be really, really worth it in the end for me to suffer a few years in Nebraska. Thank God at least Tom is indifferent to various climates. As we’ve also learned, there are no guarantees that things will go as you plan them. They rarely do. So we could head for Nebraska planning to be trapped in an apartment for just a year, then rent a house for a few more years before heading to Florida, just to end up trapped in an apartment forever there.

Since Tom will be busy working (hopefully more than we think), I will be busy running our eBay auctions and gathering up items for sale. On top of my other online work, that is, and my writing. It’s going to take a long time to get all this stuff sold, so we may as well get started. I will be around to be the one to answer questions and things like that. It’s more work than one might think. Gotta get the pictures taken, do the write-ups, answer questions, pack and address boxes, etc.

“You didn’t tell me about the bidding wars going on,” Tom said when he got up yesterday. I hadn’t thought to check in a few hours, but one of the dolls is over $150 already cuz she’s from the Harry Potter series which is very popular right now. All in all, sales are over $200 now. :) Selling things is fun and it’s neat to see all the different states – and sometimes different countries – our stuff ends up in. The problem is a lack of boxes to ship everything in. I guess we’ll have to buy some which would kind of suck. The point is to make money, not spend it. And as it is eBay helps themselves to fees from our sales.

The more I think about certain events that have happened in my life, the more I think that an outer force is at work that can think and plan and not just some negative/positive cloud of energy with no sense of awareness. Clearly, it’s toying with me, whatever it is, but seems determined enough to keep me alive so it can keep on toying with me. I have no idea if what influences good things in my life is the same being as what influences bad things in my life, but have decided to go back to praying. I couldn’t help but laugh when I thought of Andy and just how thrilled he’d probably be to know that, too. Then again the guy probably wouldn’t believe me, LOL. Either way, the reason for my decision is that while it may be just one big fat coincidence, things do seem to run a little smoother when I pray not for ridiculous things like growing money trees, but for things to be ok and for us to get by. I stopped praying for a while because I was so pissed at whatever’s up there for letting things get so shitty for us despite our efforts to get ahead. But then when things started getting desperate I prayed on and off to please, please let Tom get a job. Well, the toy store isn’t much, but it’s something, and the timing couldn’t be better. Well, it could be, but it’s good enough. He’s been trying for months just to get nowhere and so there was nothing to say he’d get anything right when we needed him to get something and any number of things could still go wrong along the way. Sure hope not, though! I mean on the one hand, I still tell myself we’d be better off dead so as to avoid many more years of shit like this, but then that stubborn survival instinct kicks in and I fight to live.

You don’t realize just how much harder your workout is on a treadmill till you add the incline! I had to slow down, but since faster’s not necessarily better so long as your heart’s pumping, your body’s sweating, and you keep at it for at least 30 minutes, I guess all it can do is just build me more muscle.

Hopefully, I will be able to focus on my writing soon enough as I realize the only way to build up enough volume to generate more sales is to do the work necessary to achieve this goal. So it’s got to be my full-time job since one can only crank out so many books so fast.

The company Tom hopes to work for is based in the Netherlands. It’s funny because he first thought Germany and then Norway and I have friends in all these countries. It seems I have friends in most countries these days except for the Middle East and Africa. That’s another thing Andy would be proud of me for – my geography knowledge has improved tenfold. In the past, I was lucky if I could figure out where my neighboring town was let alone where most other countries were as I simply didn’t care. But “meeting” people in other countries has changed that.

I like how Norway is liberal and big on freedom of speech, but the climate would surely kill me, LOL. Curious to hear what a Norwegian accent sounded like, I jumped on YouTube and listened to someone speaking English with a Norwegian accent. Then I checked out some instructional videos on Norwegian numbers, months and the days of the week, along with simple phrases and things like that. It’s not the prettiest language, but I see a lot of similarities to German. It also seems like it’s not a gender language which is all I’ve ever learned, except for English and SL, of course. Maybe I’ll be stupid enough to learn some at some point as if I don’t already have enough languages to study. :) I can say almost anything I want in Spanish, and I can almost say almost anything I want in Italian, but still need to boost my German vocabulary.

He also attached a pic of himself from the ’90s and a recent one. The ‘90s one looked ok and his hair was long then, too. The recent one isn’t that impressive. His nose is slightly crooked, he looks a little older than 37, and I don’t like the buzz cut either.

OMG, Tom got the job at Toys R Us!!! The dream WAS a premonition! It’s only part-time at minimum wage and he may not actually start till around the first of October, but that and our eBay sales should be enough to save us till he gets something better. And he does have some better possibilities in the works. :)

I also had a dream in early August that suggested he would be working evenings on New Year’s Eve. Well, this job would probably mostly be weekends and evenings, but when he works is the least of our concerns right now. He’s willing to work any and all hours.

Do I dare even think about that dream I had where we moved straight from here to Florida? I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t get it off my mind! I still don’t know why or how I have dream premonitions or even how I know certain dreams may be telling me something in the first place. I guess it’s just a feeling one has that only one who has dream premonitions can understand. The reoccurring dreams or dreams that leave you with that “feeling” are the ones to pay attention to. At least that’s the way it’s been for me. When your “logic” loses the argument with that so-called other side of you, that’s when you know something’s up. So while my logic is saying the Florida dream was just a reflection of pure wishful thinking, my other side is arguing back with a big old fat, “Bullshit it was!”

What was really freaky yet neat was that just about 2 or 3 days before I went Florida dreamin’ I said to myself, “I wish something could send me a message in my dreams and that I could “see” where we’re headed to next.”

I just wish that win dream had meant something! Yet I haven’t won much and if I don’t win something good by the time my sweeps subscription expires on the 28th, I will give up sweeping for a while. Influencer or not, the economy is still shot to hell.

Anyway, I’m not going to post those sad, scary private entries I wrote on the 17th and 18th just yet, but I will say that just like last September, I cried tears of relief for hours even though this could be just a temporary fix if something else bigger and better doesn’t come along. There’s no doubt about it – something’s toying with us. Really, California keeps trying to kill us and if we don’t figure out a way out of this cursed state it just may eventually succeed! Where this state may be the answer to some people’s life situations and dreams, it’s been nothing but a total curse for us.

It makes sense now, as to why I didn’t have nightmares like crazy the day before Tom got our little “fuck off” letter from the government; because a job was right around the corner. Talk about perfect timing! It also explains why I was in a good mood all last night. I kept asking myself, “Why are you in a good mood? Nothing’s happened yet. You have no reason to be in a good mood.”

So after beating myself up the night before for stressing my ass off, I decided to just enjoy the good mood while it lasted. It was better than stress, after all. I still wonder, though; did my psychic side know deep down that we’d be ok? And will we really be ok for sure??? Really, I’m getting sick and tired of being teased with our survival! I don’t know how many more of these scares I can take.

This latest crisis has been a total wake-up call for us. One saying, “Don’t just talk about getting rid of your shit, do it!”

Well, we can sell/dump our stuff, and we are, but the biggest question is how the hell to come up with the 10-15 grand it’d take to safely get us outa here. I just hope we get to that point where we can have to figure that out! Yes, we lost our home in Arizona and yes we lost our land in Oregon, but we have never had such intense financial problems and scares since coming to this damn state. I just want to get the hell out like yesterday and I want to never step foot in it again when we do! Bad things can and do happen to us anywhere, but Cali really takes the cake where we’re concerned.

Before yesterday all I could think about was how so many people say that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Well, the streets would have been beyond more than I could ever handle! Yet after being pushed a little further into the dark than we were in ’07, it’s almost like something’s looking out for us as much as it loves to “punish” us. Yes, in a twisted sort of way, something helped save us. This was/is literally like falling and then having someone throw out a safety net just seconds before you hit the ground. I just hope it’s enough and that we don’t keep on reentering the same damn nightmare and eventually the one we can never wake up from.

For now, it is nice to go back to being able to bitch about those little things in life – cleaning, dieting, barking, etc. These things are once again a clear reminder that things can get a lot worse in life. A lot worse. Remember that the next time you get a flat tire or you realize you’ve run out of feminine supplies when your period starts.

Tonight I’m going to run a mile or two, work my arms for about 10 minutes, then my abs which are amazingly flat for one my age thanks to all the runs and loss of appetite, for about 5 minutes. After that, I’ll bitch about how much I hate to clean the kitchen while I’m actually doing it, then maybe – just maybe – I’ll work on my stories.

Later…

That’s interesting. Andy not only read my latest entry but he attempted to leave a comment. Only I’m not allowing them right now. I can’t help but wonder why he cares. Why would he even bother reading it or leaving comments? And just what would he have said? Something nasty? Something nice? Would he have identified himself, assuming I don’t know he still checks out my blog?

I just ate a yogurt thinking it might perk me up a bit and give me some energy. Instead, I felt like I was going to puke, so I took a Tums. Oh, and I just had my fourth bout of the runs. Tom’s gonna pick me up some anti-run stuff tomorrow. And this is the chicken shit wimp that God thinks could handle the streets? He knows I can’t, though, and won’t even attempt to try. That’s no life for Tom and I. But that’s the whole idea; God wanted to give us something He knew damn well we couldn’t handle so it would drive us to suicide. It all makes sense except for the part about why. Why did He hate us so damn much? I always knew He did, but not even I thought He hated us this much. I knew He got off on teasing us with our survival, but this literally putting that survival on the line and walking us into a sure dead-end is totally new. There is simply no one that can help us. Everyone we know is either broke themselves or wouldn’t help us even if they could. And not many people could afford to pay our $825 rent. My sister said to let her know if we needed help but she’s broke and on disability and so I think paying our expenses for half a year would be a bit over her head. I don’t know that even my parents could afford it. I doubt it. Even if they could, what kind of a life would we have? As I’ve already been over a million times, a lifetime of struggling in tiny old rentals would be all we’d have to look forward to in life. Not much fun by most people’s standards and neither would the streets have been any fun till they killed us. So PLEASE, PLEASE remember that if you feel sad and like crying for us. Yes, those of you who are my closest friends and family will hurt for a while but think of how WE would have hurt and how badly WE would have suffered on the streets. It’s important you remember this! It’s ok to be sad or to be angry at God and the government, but as they say, shit happens. And life isn’t fair. We were just one of those who got an extra dose of God’s hatred and the government’s abuse. Life was beyond unfair for us. Had we been lazy drunks or druggies, then a life as bums would be exactly what we deserved. Instead, we got all the wrong results for all the right actions. Now dry your tears and move on.

I wanted to live and be happy, but that wasn’t an option. I also don’t expect anyone to get it that hasn’t been faced with homelessness and hopelessness like we are. I still can’t get Tom’s words outa my head as soon as he came back from the mail place.

“You were right, no more Unemployment checks.”

And then I slept horribly. No sooner would I drift off to sleep when those direct, to-the-point words of doom would wake me up.

“You were right, no more Unemployment checks.”

Random thoughts go through my mind as I write this. And pointless ones. Like who will discover us and who will contact my family? I mean Jesse will discover us, of course, but who will break the bad news to my folks? I just hope they understand why we had to go! First God didn’t want us to have a nice place to live, now He doesn’t want us to have any place to live.

It’s scary knowing you’re going to die even though you want to because you know you couldn’t survive the streets. Yet Tom is handling it so well and so calmly.

Later…

Took a nap for a few hours. I actually slept more soundly than I did yesterday morning when Tom came back with the latest blow to our sorry existence and informed us that yes, our lovely government really can and does let tons of people starve on the streets. We’re just not as important as those foreigners, some of whom like to attack us.

Wish I could sleep the rest of the days away. Sleep is my only escape for when I’m awake my mind simply tortures the hell out of me. I tell myself not to worry and that we won’t suffer any more than we have in the past and will lose consciousness within an hour. Then there won’t be anything and I’ll sink into a big black hole of nothing because the brain, which we need to think, feel, sense or have any awareness at all, will be wonderfully dead.

Yet I still tremble with fear.

I was looking at our wedding pictures and sadly shaking my head. Who’d have known that 19 years later we might be killing ourselves together? starts crying It’s just really fucked up that we came to Cali to better our lives just to be planning on dying. How ironic that the state I grew up dreaming about living in is about to kill us.

Later…

I had been writing privately offline, not wanting to alarm anyone over my situation, but then I decided I guess I could talk a little more about what’s going on since we’re either going to sink or swim at this point. I may still post some of those private entries at a later date.

It happened last Saturday. Tom was out getting groceries and picking up the mail. I was home alone and it was toward the end of my day. I was going to crash shortly after he got back. When he didn’t get the Unemployment forms he would fill out and submit every other Sunday, we knew something was up. We just didn’t think it would get this extreme. Really, not even I thought anything up there hated us this much. But still, I had a bad feeling and had been saying to Tom that I feared we were doomed and may be going out of here in body bags instead of all psyched to get to Florida or even to cold, snowy Nebraska which I would hate but that would have more job opportunities.

And then Tom came home. I started throwing things in the freezer and then he said, “You were right, no more Unemployment.”

Yeah, you read this correctly. It turns out we’re not qualified for the next extension. The one from October to April. I stood there stunned and sick to my stomach to think that our fucking government could readily hand over billions of dollars to other countries but not give a damn about its own. Yes, our government really is that heartless to have absolutely NO problem with letting so many people just starve off in the streets. I was angry, sad and terrified and I had the runs and damn near puked my guts out. I couldn’t sleep for more than a few minutes at a time before the stress and fear would wake me up and Tom’s words of impending doom. I thought for sure we were dead since the streets are simply NO option for us. We all have our limits and that would certainly be one of mine. So now it’s in the hands of fate. We either kill ourselves to avoid a slow miserable death on the streets if no one gives him a job before the last of our money runs out, or we end up saved by a job along with the much-appreciated but unexpected help from Eileen and our eBay sales. We have a chance to be “saved” tomorrow at 4pm when Tom goes for a group interview at Toys R Us. This would just be a part-time seasonal job throughout the holidays, but it would be enough to save us if we’re meant to live.

Do I want to live? Well, yes and no. There is both good and bad to life and living. There are enough things I would no longer have to be burdened by if I were dead and no longer had to deal with them. But I would miss my friends and family and doing the things I love to do with writing in this journal being one of them.

Alison, Maliheh and the diary guy have offered words of encouragement which I so do appreciate. Really, they put a smile on my face and made me wish I could reach through my monitor and hug them all. But we’re not officially out of the woods yet and there are no guarantees we ever will be. We’ve got about 2-6 weeks to find out.

Meanwhile, I had mixed emotions in learning Eileen was sending us something. I appreciate the hell out of her for it, but I probably wouldn’t have mentioned our situation if I’d known she was gonna jump in like that and help (she’s so sweet) because I don’t know that it would be enough to save us and it may take forever to pay her back if it does. She suggested applying for welfare, but that would be worthless because California’s so fucked up that all they do is give you $100 a month for a shelter. We already checked this out. They may as well give you nothing at all. All we can get is food subsidies. The West doesn’t have real welfare like the East does. We made a huge mistake in coming to this damn state, that’s for sure. And how the hell did what was once such a peaceful little sanctuary come to be such a prison to me?

When Tom broke the horrible news to me I was so sure that whatever was up there had what happened to us in 2007 happen as a preparation of sorts and then made sure the money stopped as a means of backing us into a corner and ultimately on the path to our deaths, since we agreed to go together. Hell, I even picked out what I wanted to wear to die in. wipes tears from eyes But then Tom said that maybe I was interpreting it wrong. Maybe this happened to help push us faster and harder to get rid of our shit so we can maybe get the hell out of here after the holiday season, assuming he can get a job before the money runs out. After all, we did agree that we’re not only sick of most of this useless shit we have that’s just sitting around hogging up space, but if we do live to make it out of here, we’re not going to do the U-haul thing and the storage thing like last time. I’ve become the lowest-maintenance woman out there, too! All I care about is my clothes and computer. That’s all I need besides food and shelter, and of course a toothbrush is nice. Yeah, I’d be so many guy’s dream girl, LOL. If we ever do manage to bust on outa here we’re just gonna sell/dump almost everything but the bare essentials and split in just the car. We could do that now, actually, but we would have no way to live until he got a job and us into a place in whatever state we moved to.

The only way out of this mess is a job or me winning thousands of dollars. I wish I could believe that September job dream I had last spring really meant something, and the dream I recently had about us moving to Florida, but my good dreams simply don’t have a way of coming true like my bad dreams. It’s true, though, that I didn’t have nightmares galore the night before Tom got the letter about our latest blow making things about as bad as they could get. In some ways, we’re in a worse situation than we were a few years ago. Being in a trailer is better than a motel, but even though we couldn’t access our money for a couple of weeks we still had income coming in. Now we have nothing other than what we may get from Eileen and sales.

The Tonners are doing really well now for some reason. They weren’t doing well at all a year ago. Barbies are also doing better, but the Beanie Babies may not sell. They’re giving away 50 free listings, so we’re listing an item a day.

Anyway, I don’t know if not having nightmares before receiving the letter of doom is a good thing or not. It’s kind of odd since I do tend to have nightmares right before something really bad happens. But the last bad dreams I had pertaining to money were months ago. I’m still so afraid to get my hopes up! I’ve seen Tom go on enough interviews just to not get the job.

I’ve lost 5 pounds just from stress and a loss of appetite. My stomach’s pretty damn flat for a 45-year-old.

I was up most of last night and I wondered how the hell Tom could sleep. How could he be so calm and so “ok” throughout this shit? I asked him and he said, “Because nothing’s happening today.”

I wish I could make myself have that attitude and that I wasn’t afraid to die! If I could know we’d die quickly and painlessly and that the afterlife wouldn’t be any worse, I probably would give up and die. But I can’t know this and that’s what makes it hard to simply “accept” things and throw in the towel. I know I can’t escape death forever and that I have to go through it someday, but no matter how shitty things get it’s not that easy. Still, I may be left with no choice in the end because it would certainly be my choice as opposed to dying on the streets. There’s just no way I could survive out there, and I’d rather go at home in my own bed than in some alley or something.

For now, I’ve got some things on hold till we find out if we’re going to make it – my story writing, working out, etc. I haven’t even been doing any cleaning. If I’m really on death row the last thing I want to do is spend my final days cleaning.

Back to the acceptance thing – that’s my problem. I’m a stubborn bitch with a temper. I admit it. I don’t just “accept” bad things. You either love my fire as Marie used to say or you hate it. I may get sad and scared, but ultimately I get pissed and stubborn and I put up a fight. If I could just “accept” bad things even though I know they happen anyway, then I could simply accept it if someone slugged me, for example. But no, anyone who knows me knows that despite how small I am I’d kill them. Or I’d at least try to. I may not be the dumbest person alive and I may be pretty fit physically, but emotionally I’m quite a wimp. I panic and fly off the deep end and while I may appear to be taking the shit life throws at me well enough, inside I’m kicking and screaming like a 2-year-old.

Oh, and I got a kick out of how Alison said, “The Jodi I know wouldn’t give up. Come to Omaha. We could use more intelligent people.”

Well, I don’t know that I like the idea of an apartment in such a cold, snowy place or that our lives would be any better there since after all, we thought our lives would be better here. But still, if it were a matter of snapping my fingers and being there with a means of surviving till he found work, I don’t think I’d hesitate at this point. I just want to get the hell out of pesky Jesse’s trailer and out of California! So we’re gonna fight. We just may not win in the end.

Whatever happens, thanks to those who offered kind words of support. I’m still surprised though flattered for some reason that the diary guy read one of my posts. :) LOL, I really didn’t expect that.

Anyway, I slept better last time around and for some reason, I’m not nearly as stressed as you would think I still should be. After all, all he has is an interview on the horizon. Not a job that we know of.