Andy’s still checking out my blog. Why? If I’m such a lazy excuse queen and what basically equates to a liar, why bother?

Anyway, I’m not as sluggish and as depressed now that my period is just about over, but I’m not exactly wide awake and dancing for joy either. I think I’ll go back to taking multivitamins. Maybe that’ll perk me up. As for being happier, well, that’s something only whatever’s up there can help me with at this point since we’re doing all we can do on our part, but it seems whatever’s up there has better things to do. To believe that God helps those who help themselves is to believe that I’m really a tall, blond with brown eyes. I know we can’t help what we believe but I’ve still got to laugh at those who dare venture out at night in a dangerous neighborhood so sure that God “has their backs.” Why should they assume that? He didn’t have the backs of the kid who was beaten to death for crying too much, or the woman who was in a deadly car accident, or the guy who acquired a deadly disease, so what makes them think they’re any more special?

Tom has officially begun investigating the so-called pension fund and the results, if he can ever find anyone to tell him anything, will be a true test of just how accurate my prediction is of us being destined to be poor all our lives. After all, it’s only the bad dreams/vibes that seem to come true. That’s why I haven’t gotten any win notices so far this month, nor has he gotten a job; because those dreams were just wishful thinking.

So far I’m continuing to appear to be right on with the poverty predictions seeing that he can’t even find a number to call to see if he can find anything out. We’ve had our hopes jacked up for nothing on account of money enough times in the past for me to have much hope where the pension’s concerned. And I know it won’t be “alright” like my mother said. Meaning I don’t expect an inheritance of any kind either. It’s totally unreasonable to think that my parents, in death, could help save us or make our lives any easier. We’ll never again be able to rent a real house anywhere at any time, let alone own.

What will we lose next, our retirement fund and our social security? Maybe that gut feeling I had that something was trying to prepare me for something (like death) back in 2007 was correct after all. It’s sure looking that way at this point.

Only one of you needs to be at least 55 to rent/own in a Florida adult community, but I don’t see how we could ever afford to rent a real house there or anywhere else ever again unless it was a dump in a city in a state less popular. Sort of like Klamath Falls, Oregon. Life really is for the rich. Meanwhile, we poor folks don’t stand much of a chance to get in on much excitement and do much living. Just existing. That’s all we do is simply exist, day after day, month after month, year after year. Of course there’s still always the chance there’s a few grand in the pension account; enough to keep our sorry existent comfortable for a while, but not enough to make any major changes in our lives. I doubt it, though. I think something up there likes knowing our only alternative in life is to stay here in this little old shitbox.

Nane’s disappeared again but Irene is back from Italy, so I found when she dropped some cute hearts on my wall. She said she had a good time.

Tom just gave me an update. Ugh, I was right. :( We were supposed to have the option of a lump sum of about 20K when he turns 55 next year or monthly payments of $200. But now they’re saying he can’t get a lump sum at any age and that all he can get is the payments at 65 or seriously reduced payments earlier. In other words, we’re not getting shit and after 5 years of being right about predicting we’ll be poor all our lives, I will continue to be very correct about that one.

Maybe the reason I had a suicidal character in A Rainbow in Munich is because of how much I could relate to “Rainbow” and her pain and misery. Only I’m going to make sure no one saves me when I go to take my worthless life for I do not want it saved.

Tom doesn’t want to leave me to die alone, so the first night it’s cool enough, we’re outa here. I’m sick of the world, the system, and everyone else shitting on us with their false promises and the way they hold us back in life in various ways. I’ll be damned if I’ll struggle in someone else’s old shitbox to the tune of our drunken landlord’s dogs until we end up starving to death cuz they’ve cut our retirement fund and social security, too. We were just as deserving and willing to work as anyone else!

If you’re up there, God, I’m sorry you hated me so much you felt I deserved to be abused by my mom while my dad looked the other way. And I’m sorry you felt I deserved to be abused even more in the “places” you allowed me to be sent to. Lastly, I’m sorry you feel my husband and I don’t deserve to have much of a life and a piece of the so-called American Dream in some peaceful modest little house somewhere where we didn’t have to worry month after month about how the hell we were going to survive.

I could go on and on about how fucked up, twisted and unfair the world is and how much I’ve come to hate this country and the people running it, and then I could go on and on about why 45 is actually a great age to die when you really sit and think about it.

There are so many little reasons to be glad we’re almost outa here on top of the big pic of lifelong poverty, never getting what we want in life, and having me have to watch Tom grow old and die and then die alone myself. The end of the month would be perfect too; I’d get to miss out on the cold, we’d never have to pay Jesse another month’s rent, and I’d never have to have another period. Here’s a list of just some of the goodies we get to miss out on:

1. No more struggling to get the little things we need or want to make life more comfortable, ex: body pillows, ink carts, glasses, etc.

2. No more money teases - horses, jobs, inheritance, lost pensions.

3. No more barking.

4. No growing old and developing physical problems and not having anyone around to help us.

5. No more weight worries/struggles.

6. No more hassles of dying hair regularly and dealing with curls.

7. No more fucked up DSL.

8. No having to worry about my family getting me back east for my parent’s funerals.

9. No more having to be put out by my schedule curse.

10. No more worrying about the car breaking and not having a backup vehicle.

11. Being able to get a good laugh out of the guilt our deaths will put on some people like the queen and Miss Perfect. Wait a minute, are they even capable of feeling such a thing? It’s still funny anyway.

12. Knowing that unless God/negative cloud fucks with us worse in the afterlife, we will finally be free of any more curses.

13. You don’t have to worry anymore about jobs or having any evil bosses/coworkers and a job you hate should you ever have gotten another one.

14. No more longing for my old sex drive and longing to be “normal” sexually despite my age or attracted to women, etc.

15. My ear and teeth can never bother me again, nor can my joints or other things get any worse.

16. No more PMS, periods, menopause, fatigue, anger or depression.

17. No more wishing we had more space, plugs and full-size appliances like washers/dryers/dishwashers.

18. No more being too short to reach things.

19. Not even the “little dreams” and goals were possible like encasing the dolls, so no more of that shit.

20. No more having to see you put out by sleeping on such an uncomfortable piece of shit - don’t tell me it’s “ok” - or having to lose out on other things, big or small.

21. No more cold weather.

22. My eyes couldn’t get any worse.