There is some semi-good news, finally. Not necessarily good enough to want to stick around if nothing else is gonna change along with it, but here’s what we learned regarding the pension. It’s true that we can’t have a lump sum when he turns 55, and it’s also true that we can’t even have $200 a month at 55. However, we can have $150 a month at 55. So not enough to spring us out of here and over to Florida or have any other significant impact on our lives, but just a little extra to help make things a little easier for us.

Nothing else has changed, though. People just don’t want to hire older people. To hell with whether or not they may be more experienced and qualified. And still knowing we’re going to be poor all our lives and forever stuck in this trailer still isn’t any more “ok” with me than it was yesterday or last week or last year. My will to live is still pretty much shot to hell and while I’m loving this summery weather that continues to go on just when I think fall will finally set in, it’s holding up my plans. The plans I can’t talk about. So is my Nane. Well, let’s just say she’s making the thought of dying “guiltlessly” a little less easy to do. I promised to be as selfish as I could in that department and think of myself first and what was best for me and not worry about what others think or how it would affect them. I know they’d eventually get over the hurt my death would cause them. Meanwhile, Tom can never get any younger and our lives can never get any better at this point. I’d have to win an insane amount of money for that and the odds of that are next to nil. But then I chatted with Nane yesterday and felt pangs of guilt and sadness tug at my heart at the thought of “leaving” her.

The poor girl has tonsillitis now and was out of work for a couple of days. I thought she’d already left for TR, but that’s not for a couple of days yet. I wanted to scream when she said she wouldn’t be back till October 3rd. I’m happy for her but a bit bummed for myself unless she plans on checking in regularly enough from TR. I wouldn’t count on that, though. I would think she’d rather be out riding the waves and the camels… God, I envy her in some ways.