Wow, I’m both shocked and flattered that Nane and Mitch read the first 3 chapters of my story and liked it! Mitch is usually pretty critical but he found no problem with it and Nane referred to me as “talented” and said she liked it better than the last one which she admits she hasn’t read much of. I’m flattered and I appreciate her wishing I wasn’t so damn far away so she could talk me out of my “foolish” plans or at least stall them.

I would first like to say something about the tough and depressing situation I’m presently in. Our car is physically capable of driving us from California to Florida. We have enough left of the cash and gas cards I won to dump our shit, jump in the car and go. But after getting in the jam we got in back in 2007, it’s not that simple. One really needs at least 10K to make a big move safely. So yeah, we could up and go to Florida, but then what? Where would we stay until he got a job and where would we get the money needed to get into a place? Hotels cost a fortune, even the cheap ones. So it’s not that easy since you can’t get a job overnight and most rentals want first and last month’s rent and a deposit, too. Neither of us cares to lose everything and be homeless for the many months it could take to get our feet on the ground there, warmer climate or not.

Here, the heat rages on in the 90s, but it’s only a matter of time now before we drop into the 50s and below – ugh.

Anyway, hearing from Nane and Mitch really put a smile on my face which was all the more appreciated in these tough times. For a minute I wished I hadn’t come to have such good friends, not just because Wales and Germany are too damn far away, but because it also puts my emotions in a bit of a tug of war when I think of dying and leaving them. I love my friends dearly; even more than my own family. Yes, I’d rather spend a week with Nane than my own sister and a week with Mitch over my parents since my mom can be a real bitch at times, but I also have to consider the welfare and happiness of my husband and me at the same time. I hate to hurt my friends and family, but I can’t guarantee 100% or make any promises as far as surviving these tough times because I don’t know that I can or will. I’m just going to try to enjoy the moment while it lasts. That’s really all I can do no matter how much time I may or may not have left to live. If we do choose to end it no one will know how, when or where that will be. You’ll just have to look for our obits on legacy.com if all online activity from me ever ceases to exist for more than a week or so.

Like any other human being, I really do want to live and be happy and be in the driver’s seat of my life. I don’t want to give up on life, but life has given up on me and now the economy, as well as other circumstances beyond my control, is in the driver’s seat of my life. I have tried and tried to grab hold of the wheel, but it seems no matter how hard I try it remains forever out of reach.

Nane had said she wasn’t ashamed to be able to take vacations after working her ass off for 30 years, and she shouldn’t be. But it is absolutely heartbreaking to see my husband work just as hard just and just as long and this is the shit he gets for it. Despite all his experience and hard work, he is constantly passed over for the younger, darker-skinned people of this twisted country.

It’s ironic that I spent so much of my childhood dreaming of living here. Then one day, when I least expected it, that dream became a reality. Who would have known I’d one day end up trapped in the place I dreamed of living in and wishing I could get the hell out?! I almost feel teased when I gaze out the kitchen window at the car. It’s almost like the car is waving and saying, “Hey there. :) I can take you to Florida. Only you can’t go, hahaha!” But seeing how any dream I am lucky enough to obtain turns into some kind of joke, maybe it’s for the better that I am hopelessly stuck in the most populous state in the country where every 1 out of 8 of us are jobless.

I have searched and searched in my mind for a reasonable way out of this little old dump, but I simply cannot see any. Oh, sure we’d be free to go and comfortably and safely make the move to Florida if I won 100K, but I’d say the odds of that are next to nil as good as I am (or used to be) with winning. I can only “influence” so much. But Hanes has been supplying my panties for over 3 years now, LOL. Yes, I do well at winning their socks and even better at winning their panties like I just did. Not sure how I managed to squeeze my ass into a size 5, but I guess all the physical training is paying off after all even if I haven’t yet learned (especially before periods) to keep my damn mouth shut to the food as often as I should.

Anyway, Tom had a phone interview, but at this point, it doesn’t really matter if the September job dream was indeed a premonition or not because we’d still be stuck here. Call me selfish, call me spoiled, but I just can’t accept the idea of being trapped in this tiny old trailer indefinitely with an efficient but drunken landlord who won’t shut his damn dogs up when he takes off on weekends. I just can’t! I know there are worse places to be stuck in, but I really, truly would rather be dead than be “sentenced” to life in Jesse’s trailer. As much as I’d miss my friends, pet rat and hobbies, there would be some good to dying now as funny as it may sound. If we go now we wouldn’t have to struggle for another 30 years or so. I have also always hated the idea of watching Tom grow old and having to stand by helplessly and watch him die and then have to die alone. He’s 8 years older, we don’t have anyone to help us when we get older, and women usually do live longer than men.

No matter what happens, I hope my closest friends know that I really do love them and appreciate the time they’ve given me. Sometimes it’s those we least expect that end up being our truest and most accepting friends. Nane, Maliheh, Mitch and Christine have never once denied or made fun of my sleep disorder or anything else about me. I don’t think they care that I’m hyper, short and fat (even though no one else seems to think I’m that fat). Yet those I’ve known forever and that I would think would be the most caring and supportive have done nothing but put me down. Damn, I wish Nane was down the street and Mitch was up the street! And of course I miss the hell outa Maliheh, too. Maybe I’ll get to “see” them from the other side if I really do end it.

I’m confused about the pension policy. We were just talking about it and I guess he may never have been eligible after all for a lump sum, or maybe he was before they made some changes right around the time he left AMEX. He’s sent away for the paperwork that will hopefully tell him exactly what he’s eligible for and when, but I still don’t expect it to tell us what we want to hear. I’m just sick of the money teases! The horses, the partnership, his mother, the pension… and now I’m supposed to believe my own mother when she says “it’ll be ok” when she was hinting at an inheritance? Well, that’s really nice of her but I’d rather she just live. I know she can’t live forever, though, but she still has a good 5-10 years left in her, I would think, and I’m sure something up there will take that from us, too. As it is I worry they’ll get our social security next. So right now sticking around doesn’t look likely. This is a huge and devastating blow to us.

Oddly enough, however, I didn’t wake up in the horrible mood I’ve been waking up in where I just want to throw the blanket over my head, return to sleep and never wake up. I don’t know why. Nothing’s changed. I shall enjoy it while it lasts, for I know it’s only a matter of time before the depression returns and I’m once again in a fit of tears.

Tom went to the mail place today and a guy who works there was sitting outside and was so glad to see him. LOL, the guy didn’t have his key. He was so grateful that he gave us a free month.