Guten Abend, Leute. :) In Florence, Arizona when I was thrown in jail for 12 hours and waited until my husband could bail my ass out of there, I couldn’t shake the distinct feeling that something was preparing me for something. A few months later I learned just what it was trying to tell me when I was sentenced for that “crime” and tossed in jail in Phoenix for a helluva lot longer than 12 hours. In other words, the message was, see? It’s not like on TV. They won’t all beat and rape you even though you will get hit on a few times and one crackhead that thinks she just had a miscarriage may want to take her frustrations out on you and scare you a bit, but you’ll live.

When the disaster struck in 2007 that nearly killed us I also had the same feeling; that something was trying to prepare me for something. When he got laid off a year later and before we knew we’d get enough benefits to survive on, I thought it was trying to prepare me for death, since I would kill myself before I ever tried to make it on the streets, something I know damn well I could never be tough enough to do. Anyway, I still have that feeling; that it was a preparation of some kind.

Before I get to that, once again I can’t help but laugh when I remember the beginning of the “cyber-friend” era. I would laugh at those who would claim to come to care for – even love – their cyber friends. I just didn’t get how that was possible with someone you never met. The idea of cyber friends – these mere electronic beings in space – seemed so unreal to me, almost like having imaginary friends. I totally would have passed out with laughter had someone told me years ago that a woman in Germany I never met would come to care for me – in some ways more than those I’m supposedly “closer” to – and I would care for her in return. She’s really been there for me and has let me cry on her shoulder and I really appreciate it. :) Yet despite having laughed at people in the past who claimed to care so much for their cyber friends, if I suddenly learned something happened to her I would literally collapse in a heap of tears. And if it was at the hands of another person(s) I won’t say in print just what I’d want to do to them.

But as much as I love my friends all in different yet similar ways, it might not be enough to stop us from ending it all if we continue to be trapped here with seemingly no way out, despite the crazy ideas Tom and I have thrown around at each other. Yeah, in case you’re just tuning in and you don’t know me well yet, my husband and I have been what you could call a couple of risk-taking adventurers. But after the last so-called adventure turned disastrous, I resolved to retire that adventurous side of me. But when you find that you’ve been merely alive and not living for too many years now, you tend to get a little crazy again at least in your mind with bazaar ideas.

As Nane said, Germany’s pretty much in the same situation as the U.S. In fact, Europe in general is. So relocating to another country with or without a husband that doesn’t have the knack I have for learning other languages, isn’t very feasible at all. Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to have Nane close by (I don’t care anymore that she smokes and is a travel freak. Hell, I’d let her drag my ass down to Turkey with her if she wanted to), and she too wishes I weren’t so far away, especially with the hard time I’m going through, but there are crazy ideas and then there are crazy ideas. Not that we ever take our true love/soul mate for granted or anything like that but yeah, it sucks I can’t run and cry on her shoulder in person at times! As I told her directly, just hanging out together and snuggling up on a couch or something like that would be so nice every so often. No hanky panky, just the closeness. But 6,000 miles is anything but “close.” So here are 3 of the crazy U.S. ideas we tossed around in order of most likely to the least likely.

Idea #1, Drive to Nebraska

While I was having an amazingly dreamless sleep Tom was researching job markets in various states. He wondered what state had the lowest Unemployment rate but still had enough people in it and he came up with Nebraska. Their Unemployment rate is just 4%. I have a good cyber friend there, Alison. She is very smart, trustworthy and reliable so I know I could ask her any questions we may have if we were ever dumb enough to try to pull this plan off, and I would prefer to go to where we knew someone at least somewhat well rather than no one at all. I believe she’s in the Omaha area. Oh, what that would do to the troll, LOL! She’d be more jealous of me than I could ever be of Jim.

Anyway, if we chose this crazy idea, we would only keep the computers, stereo, treadmill and our clothes. I like the idea of eventually getting new stuff since I prefer newer things to older things but am still not sure it’s worth it. It would be with the hopes of eventually being able to get on our feet and then drop down into Florida at some point in our lives as Nebraska’s climate would be absolutely miserable compared to this. I like how it’d be mostly white people which would make getting a job even easier since they’re getting first dibs on everything these days, but the thought of having to once again do motels and apartments does NOT sit well with me. I don’t know how easy it would be to rent a house there but it should be easier than here because I just can’t believe NE is as expensive as CA. I would have to ask Alison questions like this.

Idea #2, Fly to Florida

This idea would mean getting rid of virtually everything but our clothes and the laptop and flying directly to Florida with whatever we can get from the sale of the car and whatever else we sell like the big Macs, big screen TV, laser printer, treadmill, etc. We would then hope to cut some kind of a deal with the people I won the Italy trip from and see if we could get the credit transferred to hotels in Florida. I guess we might try to do this if we went to Nebraska, but I don’t think they’ll go for it. They were pretty adamant about disallowing cash substitutes, transfers and exchanges, and even if we could easily afford to get to any state in the country, we couldn’t just hang out on the streets till he got a job and us into a place.

I like the idea of Florida’s climate, but the Unemployment rate isn’t much better there and then we have the competition of the “minorities” again that really aren’t the minorities anymore. In less than a decade Hispanics will be the majority. Hmm…wonder if that means we whites will finally be able to have any non-white attackers that may attack us for being white charged with a hate crime just like they can and just like everybody should be able to do. For now, we’re lucky if we can even get them on assault charges when they attack us.

I could stand to give up most of our possessions either way. It’s just stuff. But it would hurt to have to give up the big Macs, stereo and treadmill. I don’t care about the TV or printer or even the collectibles, but those other things might sting a bit. Especially since the odds of us ever being able to replace them, since I won these things to begin with, aren’t good. It would take forever to save for replacements, that’s for sure.

Idea #3 Run to Mommy & Daddy

This is the last thing we’d do since A, they would probably refuse to help us, B, you can’t have guests under 55 in senior communities for more than 2 weeks, and C, I wouldn’t get any sleep. Trying to sleep in motels and apartments with a sleep disorder is bad enough.

The idea, though, was to send them a letter (that way we wouldn’t have to worry about the connection breaking up) and tell them that things aren’t getting any better here and we’d like to sell everything and fly to them. Then ask if we could stay in their spare bedroom while Tom helped them at the store. Even I could help with Spanish for those customers who are too lazy to learn English. We would pay for internet service so I could mostly work online like I usually do until we could afford a place of our own.

Once again, though, this simply wouldn’t work. I love my mom but she can be a real bitch to be around for a few hours, let alone to live with for an extended period of time.

Going penniless or close to it to any state is out of the question, as again, we could come up with the money to get there but not to live. We’d be homeless before he got a job and us into a place. No thanks! I would rather just stay in pesky Jesse’s old shitbox and listen to his damn mutts before I was homeless in even the most perfect of climates. But we’re really good at tossing around crazy ideas just the same.

We are, however, going to see if we can weasel a deal for a trip to Florida instead of Italy with the travel credit I won. Like I said, I don’t think they’ll go for it, even if it’s of lesser value, but we’re gonna try. It’s just that it wouldn’t solve all our problems. Even if they gave us unlimited free hotel stays, how would we eat? How would we get around town? How would we do anything else???

sighs It all seems to come back to the same two shitty options – stay here forever or die. :(

Not much else going on other than triple-digit temps for tomorrow and too much talk of 9/11. I’m not saying we should forget the tragedy that happened. We need to remember so we can learn from it and better protect ourselves in the future. I just don’t see why we must rehash it and dwell on it so damn often.

Anyway, Nane is super busy and is soon leaving for TR. She said to remind her to order my book, but as I told her, while I’d love to have my first Germany sale, it’s just an edited version of the story she didn’t like as much.