I am so freaking bored outa my mind just sitting around and waiting for the end. I’m not going to bother working on stories I won’t live to finish, I’m not going to enter to win sweeps I seem to have stopped winning even while alive, and it seems I have shit for energy. I didn’t work out and just writing these words takes effort when all I want to do is lay in bed. I guess after I spew some more of my woes here I’ll go listen to music or find a movie to watch.

It sucks that I missed Nane. :( She was looking to chat with me while packing for her trip and before going to bed, but I was in bed myself. She messaged me a few hours before I got up – fucking schedule curse! The thought was very sweet of her. I appreciate how much she’s come to care for me. Boy, did I get that woman wrong. All wrong. I really thought she didn’t give a damn, especially since meeting “Jim.” But despite the fact that I probably dig her a little more than she digs me and don’t know as much about her as I’d like to, we’ve grown a lot closer. Again, I could easily see us getting together if we were single and local. It may not have lasted forever and we may’ve been more compatible in bed than out of it, but I can still see it. So many beauties are selfish, stuck-up and heartless. But not Nane. Nane is a very sweet, kind and compassionate person who really seems to care how I feel. Every day I hope to be able to run to her with good news, but that good news never comes. Like I said, I can still see us in my mind.

Maybe I’ll get some of the things I “see” in the next life if there is one, cuz I sure as hell ain’t getting them here. Every now and then life used to surprise me by sending at least a few of the things we wanted our way, even if they would end up coming in the form of a half-assed or twisted sort of way. Like how I made my California dream a reality. I got California. I just got a whole bunch of bullshit along with it that I didn’t ask for. I’m not exactly the epitome of wealth and happiness frolicking along the sandy beaches of the Pacific, not that I ever expected to have it all. But as I was telling Nane, a life of Unemployment and then retirement in this tiny old trailer is NOT acceptable to us. It simply isn’t. Stepping back and looking at the big picture, as well as the zillions of little things in between, is making me more eager and less afraid to die. When I say “big picture” that’s the years and years of struggling to get nowhere in someone else’s old dump. The “little things” are like my teeth, for example. Sooner or later I’m going to need more pulled. What am I going to do when I have no teeth left to eat with and don’t have the money for dentures? I can’t expect my parents to always be around to come to my rescue. My bed is still giving me backaches (I guess because it’s uneven and doesn’t provide enough support), but where the hell would we ever get the money for a new bed??? Oh, I could go on and on with those “little things,” alright. My vision which seems to be getting worse by the minute and the struggle to keep weight off. I may be very fit and I may not be that fat, but it’s sooo much work to stay this way!

I feel so empty inside and I see such a bleak future ahead. Nothing excites me anymore and what might excite me is impossible to achieve or experience in the first place.

Some people work for over 30 years and get to reap the benefits of their hard work. And they SHOULD! But some people, like my husband, don’t get shit for their efforts. Why wasn’t my husband ever given what he so richly deserves for HIS share of over 30 years of hard work?!?! Hell, even those with their own business seem to struggle despite how hard they too work. They have to collect food subsidies and other things along the way just to get by. A home business is better than a forced career of Unemployment, but it just goes to show how twisted things can be and how much life truly does suck for the most part and is so unfair.

Tom has filled out every application he can possibly fill out. I have entered all the sweeps I’m eligible to enter. Yet nothing ever changes! Nothing. When Tom inquires in person about a job, something Andy was so big on him doing, he gets told to go home and apply online. Everything is done online these days. It’s just a matter of time before we’re somehow peeing online. :(

If we were still in our 20s or 30s I might have hope for us. But not in our 40s and 50s. When you get to be this age, the only real way to financial security is to win a ton of money or sue someone silly. What is the likelihood of that???

I don’t think it’s just the realization of us being forever destined to struggle no matter how much we try to help ourselves and change things that has got me down. It’s also the lack of opportunities that will be forever unavailable to us that gets to me. I may hate to travel for the most part. But what if I someday wanted to? What if I ever wanted to visit the South Pacific or someplace warm during the winter? What if I wanted to go see Maliheh? What if I wanted to go see Nane? And how about Christine? I don’t mention Christine much here but she is still one of my top friends that is very special to me. So is Alison. But seeing these people would never be an option is my point. So many things are simply out of the question for us and I don’t want to continue living without living, so to speak. I feel like I’m really missing out on life in so many ways despite the few good things I do have going for me.

I smiled, happy for Nane when I read how excited she was to go on her upcoming trip. But then I felt a bit bummed out for myself and realized I envied her in some ways. I wish I had something to be excited about too, and to really look forward to in life, but I just don’t. Just struggling in bummy old rentals and growing old with no one to help us would be all we’d have to look forward to if we lived. Like I said before, the thought of growing old has always scared me. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I knew I would be surrounded by friends and family who cared, but unlike Tom’s spoiled, selfish and pampered mother – you know, the one that decided she didn’t want to be a mother anymore when her son moved too far away to use at his own expense and then had the nerve to ask for help when he hit hard times – had a daughter to run to when she could no longer live alone. And if it hadn’t been for that daughter she still would have had numerous others to go to. Who would we have? Really, I don’t want to wake up one day, look in the mirror and see an 80-year-old woman staring back at me. Dying at 45 is young enough to skip out on the shit that goes with getting old, but still old enough to have had enough experiences in life, even if I didn’t get to do all I wanted to do. Most of us don’t anyway, but I would still rather go now with my husband, than struggle another 30-40 years and have to go alone. For now, Tom may have diabetes and a hernia, but I’m still healthy as far as I know.

The thought of actually dying and what may lie beyond has always terrified me, and in some ways it still does. But things have gotten so hopeless at this point thus giving me the courage to end it all. I can’t avoid death forever anyway, can I? So at this point, it doesn’t matter who will call us cowards in the end. It doesn’t matter who will say that had we just hung on things would’ve gotten better. We “hung on” for 4 years and counting now but they never did get better. It doesn’t matter who doesn’t believe my sleep disorder and says I’m “giving in” to it. It doesn’t matter who thinks we didn’t try hard enough. It doesn’t matter who defends my past perps or makes excuses for their behavior. It doesn’t matter if others may be in the same boat. It doesn’t matter who thinks we gave up on life when in fact life gave up on us. All that matters at this point is that we end this never-ending cycle of bullshit and misery. No more being the victim of circumstances or any evil entity, powerless to change anything or make a difference in our lives. My first choice would have been to be in the driver’s seat of our own lives, but that isn’t possible. We would never get ahead if we lived and if we did it would only be for a few weeks. Maybe a few months if we were really lucky. Therefore, I choose the next best thing and not existing is what I feel is the next best thing and better than existing like this for another 4 years, and then another, and another, and another…

I think of Nane; good old lucky Nane, and I wonder how the hell she got lucky enough to get what she deserves in life. Her life may not have always been a bowl of cherries, but the woman seems to have it all – a good family, someone who loves her, what’s probably a perfectly normal sex life, a good job, great money, etc. I have someone who loves me too, and that’s certainly better than nothing, but what else do I have? Just the rat, the internet and some hobbies. The bastard above has been and always will be hell-bent on keeping that human side of me that craves passion and intimacy forever chained and dormant. I can only have these things in my mind. I’m not allowed to act them out. I can only lust over images in print or on a computer screen. And to hell with even thinking we could do ok financially for more than a few minutes and ever live in a real house that wasn’t an old dump!

But what am I supposed to do while I sit and struggle my ass off the rest of my life, unable to make changes and permanently blocked from all kinds of experiences and opportunities? Keep living on fantasies? Do I just keep fantasizing about the hotties like Nane which I can never have while regretting that my sex life with my husband ended years ago and never could or will be what I fantasize it to be with other women? Sit and dream of making big bucks with my writing while child killers and other criminals publish their own books and make a fortune off them?

I gave Nane our address and asked that she send a postcard from TR. I told her it would be cool to have and to have something she actually wrote by hand, but that I understood it may be too expensive and I might not even live long enough to receive it anyway.

This has been the coldest night so far this fall. We had to shut the windows last night. It’s only down to 73º in this room but I am sooo cold. I get so cold so easily and so does this flimsy old trailer. I am sooo glad I won’t have to spend another winter in it! Or too many more days where I’m going to have to get up in the middle of my sleep to open the window and turn the fan on (it will be too cold to do so when I go to bed) because we can’t have a normal cooling system. The only good thing is that we’ll get to enjoy one last warm spell coming up over the next week or two.

Later…

Of course there were no job calls for Tom today, of course there were no win notices for me today, and of course I just had to miss catching Nane online, too. But Nane was in a rush anyway in preparation for her trip. She promised to send a postcard from TR (so sweet of her), though she says that mail from there has a bad habit of not reaching its destination.

And as if life isn’t bad enough, we might’ve been screwed out of our Unemployment checks, but that’s ok as that’s just one more incentive to die. I figured something like this would happen sooner or later. As I always said, walk a tightrope long enough and you’ll eventually fall off. It looks like our “fall” is going to be in the way of not receiving the forms. They’re supposed to be submitted by Sunday. So unless they’re at the mail place tomorrow, we couldn’t possibly submit them in time to get money for rent and basically to live on. Like I said, it became obvious over the last few years that the crisis of ’07 was a preparation of sorts.

My first choice would be to learn I won big or that he got a good job, but these things aren’t going to happen. Therefore I can only hope for the next best thing – to die so we no longer have to be God’s little bums. His favorite little whipping boys for when He just has to take a moment to get off on beating someone over the head with money. I don’t care anymore about what happens when we die! I just want to hurry up and get dead, though we agreed to wait till the end of the month when it’s cooler. Besides, we are paid up at least till then so we may as well stick around till then anyway. Then maybe God will tell us why He hated us so much and chose us to be one of His designated little poor-ass bums and let so many bad things happen to us.