Delay #1 is going to be that my schedule is all wrong for contacting the realtor the second week of March, pigs gone yet or not. :(

The only dream I remember from last night was living alone in an apartment somewhere. It was on the second floor of at least 4. It was a simple square layout with the kitchen and bathroom on one side and living room and bedroom on the other.

It was a predominantly black neighborhood, and a riot broke out. I guess one of their thugs was killed. They were going around killing anything white and I was scared.

Some famous black woman was flown in to calm them down. She was someone they respected and listened to, but I was still huddled in my apartment terrified that they were going to break into the building, storm all the apartments, and kill me along with any other white resident.

This is the kind of shit that REALLY pisses me off… Cali’s to spend 28M on immigrants. So many right here could use this money! Really, who spends that much money on my husband and I or others who have lived here and contributed to society all their lives that could really use some help? Now the overcrowding is going to get worse, the demand for doctors will increase, and the crime rate will go up as well. So glad to get out of this fucking state soon because while it may have a lot of good in it, this is where most foreigners, legal and not, go besides TX and AZ. Shouldn’t be as much of a problem in FL, though. Maybe that’s why it’s cheaper there. Argh, though! Just so tired of having to babysit outsiders when they can’t get along in their own damn countries!

Getting the biggest stimulus check yet and while that may be nice, it’s nothing compared to what the American people should have been getting all along. The rich truly have no concept of what it’s like for everyone else. So many people think that just because they can do or afford something, everyone else can too.

So Biden’s great so far…except for thinking we’re responsible for the rest of the world besides ourselves. It’s a shame we get less than 2K while immigrants get 28M. That’s just all wrong and backward to me.

Starting to wonder if I’m ever going to hear from Andy again. Maybe he changed his mind and felt it was best that we don’t communicate at all but if he did, he did. I’ll accept whatever he feels he needs to do. I thought of messaging him again because we haven’t talked since the 15th, but I think I’ll wait a little longer since it’s his turn.

Just hit some milestones. A couple of days ago marked one year since Tom has worked and he doesn’t miss it at all. He worked long and hard for many decades, so he’s entitled to a break! Still think he’ll probably work again at some point but hopefully only part-time for extras like going on cruises.

Tomorrow will be one year since my last period started. I really, really hope I’m not surprised with another one 3 months from now like last time!

Yesterday he got a text message saying they were giving covid shots at the clubhouse on the 6th but when I called the office and asked, they confirmed it was only for those 65 and up.

Planes of all kinds are getting more annoying around here than ever. I can hear the commercial planes all day but they’re worst in the early mornings. I have the air cleaner on high and nature sounds blasting right by my ear yet I can still hear them rumbling overhead. Then all day long and into the night it’s nothing but small planes and helicopters galore in addition. It’s horrible here and I really worry that the virus and other things are going to delay the move.

Seriously, though…I go out for a walk, there’s a plane going overhead. I step out to dump the trash, there’s a plane going overhead. I go out to take in a package, there’s a plane going overhead. It’s ridiculous here!

Speaking of air cleaners, we cleaned the smaller ones in the bedrooms and damn were they filthy! We replaced them with filters that last a year.

The magnesium experiment is still inconclusive although I guess it’s a little hopeful at the same time. For a few hours yesterday, I began to feel a bit restless and my heart was racing a bit. I was getting slightly on edge when I took the magnesium. At first it didn’t seem to help with them I felt better so I’m still not sure what to think.

Even though I don’t remember what it was about, Doc A showed up in my dreams last night and it made me think of how Andy mentioned thought vibration and the way we were dreaming of each other at the same time. Could she have been checking to see who was scheduled for next week which made her think of me when she saw my name, and then caused her to transfer to my dreams?

The fucking termites showed up as well. Something about me accidentally downloading some shit they sent me a long time ago that I hoped they wouldn’t somehow know was now downloaded and that I only just discovered. Mostly pictures of the girls that Tammy sent, saying that they didn’t want anything to do with me, blah, blah, blah…

Margaret, the millionaire who sends me jokes regularly and funny memes, said she thought that by now the political shit would have died down but if anything it’s worse.

I don’t know if it’s worse but I’m definitely still waiting for the day the race talk to subside on just about every fucking site I go to. With a small exception, I think most non-whites have it great these days and sometimes I wonder if they realize just how good they have it in most places. They have more rights than whites, and not that we or anyone should want to have groups that exclude others, but if we had our white this or our white that, unlike them, we would automatically be called racists. Is that really fair? But they can still have their Inspiring Black Women section on the LMC and it’s perfectly okay, even though I personally find it offensive and insulting to whites, and come on, Whitney Houston? Pick a better “inspiration” than someone who OD’d themselves to death, and set a better example regardless of race or color!

That rant expressed and purged, yesterday was the first day I didn’t feel the slightest trace of anxiety. I didn’t even feel it bubbling up close to the surface so I didn’t take any magnesium. I’ll ask Doc A if I should take it every day regardless or only when I feel anxiety coming on.

We framed my mandala diamond painting earlier and now I’m doing a small one that comes with its own frame. Then I’ll do the dark-haired girl which will be the biggest one I’ve done.

Gave the pigs a bath earlier with the special shampoo and they sure as hell are easier to bathe than rats! Bathing rats is a nightmare because they always put up such a fight. The pigs didn’t mind at all. We still don’t think they really have any kind of fungus on their butts, but worst-case scenario, they’re here an extra few weeks and someone else will rehome them other than Petco.

We’re going to have an Express order delivered sometime today. Walmart gives you one free Express delivery a month.

Gotta change the filter in the bedroom air cleaner and go out for a walk later on and that’s pretty much it other than the usual.

“Remember, there’s positive to negative,” Tom assured me, pointing out the positives when we discussed the very real possibility of not getting out of here as soon as we’d like.

Yesterday went from being a sad day to a frustrating and worrisome day. I have a feeling the guinea pigs aren’t getting out of here anytime soon and neither are we. Petco wouldn’t take them, saying they had fungus on their butts, something we were totally unaware of. I think the guy got the wrong idea when he saw I’d snipped some tangled fur on Rockefeller’s butt when I was giving him a bath, and the dumb cock automatically assumed he had skin issues. They’ve never appeared to be unhealthy. Blitz gets a touch of scurvy every now and then but that’s it. So dumb cock gives us addresses and numbers to a couple of shelters in Sacramento and I call just to get the automated-message runaround.

Then there’s the contradicting info. Petco said never to give them baths. Online it recommends weekly baths.

I’m afraid that not being able to get rid of the pigs yesterday was just the start of many delays to come. I swear it’s like the more I want to get out of a place, the longer I’m stuck in it! But I learned a long time ago that you just can’t fight fate, so if this is where I’m truly meant to be, there won’t be much I can do about it. Yet he assures me that if anything delays the move, we can get the sleep pod, remodel this place, get a lot more money for it, and therefore have many more options as to where we could go. Yeah, but I’m not going to spend year after year struggling to move either. That’s just fucking ridiculous. Life is about settling anyway so it’s not like we could just go anywhere we want. If we’re going to have that much trouble getting out of here we may as well just accept it and make the absolute best of this place as we possibly can and keep in mind that there are millions out there who would love to live here, noisy or not. He thinks things may be delayed by only about a month or less. I don’t know if we should bother at times, though. Yes, California is expensive but it’s one of the few states that help supplement people, especially when they’re older, even if you’re white and you’re from here. Not bad for a country whose growing increasingly uncaring of those who are white, Jewish, or gay.

I was excited by the thought of getting a dog in the future. I know some people prefer to keep them in crates overnight but I think thought as long as it was kept away from the bedroom when I was asleep, it would be fine roaming the rest of the house, but after all the frustration I’ve gone through with these fucking pigs I totally regret getting, I think I’m done with pets for good. I know it isn’t the pigs’ fault, but I’ve had enough of the hassles, the smells, and the expense they bring. Now they’re costing us even more money since we had to order more supplies for them.

He did fill out a form with the SPCA and they will try to get any unhealthy animals they can healthy enough for adoption. Only the animals that are really bad off get put down. However, thanks to covid, which I fear may be one of many things to hold back the move, there can be a 2-4-week delay in setting up an appointment to surrender them. You can’t just walk in whenever you want to surrender or adopt. Well, we were supposed to put the house on the market around the second week of March, so partly thanks to them, that’s not likely to happen.

I also emailed a couple of places but I don’t expect to hear back from them.

Why can’t we ever just do something? Why is it that we can’t decide to do a particular thing and then simply up and do it? Why do there always have to be problems, setbacks, and delays? Really makes me feel like giving up and just saying, “fuck it.” Let’s just keep the pigs for the rest of their lives and stay here for the rest of ours even though I hate the noise and the winter. Besides, we could have gone to a warmer place but not necessarily a quiet place. We’ve got good neighbors for now and have doctors I’m used to, are younger than me, and that I should be able to see for many years to come unless they move. So yeah, I don’t know if I want to move anymore. I mean I would have loved to live in a tropical climate and a place that was at least a little quieter and a lot cheaper but is it really worth all the hassle to get there just to find that it’s not all I hoped it to be?

As I said, I’m not going to fight tooth and nail to try to get out of here. But delays are a very real possibility. We can’t leave without being vaccinated either. Also, just like this is a hot spot for skunks, it’s also one for termites, and I don’t mean the kind disguised as humans that live in Florida. This place has had them before as have many places around here, and you can’t just spray them away. The house needs to be tented. So those are just two of many obstacles no doubt waiting to keep us trapped here.

So we may as well just plan to remodel the place for us. Also, I’ve been wanting a sleep pod for ages now. It’s definitely not as easy as it sounds to move. I know we’re not the only ones who have gone through this even though I feel like it at times. But yeah, I get that people can’t just up and move long distance unless they have a job lined up for them, have a lot of money, or they’re retired. Retired with sufficient funds, of course. Then there’s also the fact that manufactured homes don’t have the value of regular homes. But a new or upgraded manufactured home in Cali can be worth more than a standard home in a cheap state.

If we remain low income as we should be for most of this year, Cali will replace the windows for next to nothing. Plus, we’d be eligible for all kinds of rebates and discounts on other upgrades as well.

I do like how you have to have insurance in this state and that it has Death with Dignity. Yes, foreigners and non-whites will always come first and foremost here but the rest of us do still get some benefits, too.

sighs I don’t know what to do at this point but he wants to carry on with our plans even if there are some delays. Yeah, I guess that’s all we can do. He’s positive we won’t be stuck with the pigs forever and that someone will eventually take them. Then I just have to hope we get vaccinated by the end of March as they’re talking about now, and that there’s nothing wrong with the house when they do their inspection. Also, we can get a place that although not perfect, is at least somewhat preferable to this.

Made a video appointment for next week with Dr. A, although I may be onto something with the magnesium. I’m not sure yet and I still don’t want to jump the gun and get all excited but yesterday was the third time I felt on edge, took the magnesium, and felt better. So I have more coming with this morning’s Walmart delivery. Unfortunately, they’re orange-flavored, but I prefer gummies to pills. These are huge capsules that are hard to swallow but he has no problem with them and he can have the few that are left over in the bottle for when he gets leg cramps.

Am I having imaginary PMS today or is it just because I’m tired that I’m so hungry today? I’ve been up for about 8 hours, had about a thousand 1000 calories of food and I’m still hungry.

Slept shitty last night, waking up a million times along the way, so I’m tired today. Of course I had to have dreams of poverty and moving delays and all that.

What was weird was the dream I had through the eyes of a gay man who was eventually murdered by his lover and featured in a crime documentary. I didn’t see the actual murder but just his last moments. It was weird dreaming through the eyes of someone else. Pretty sure there’s a show about a woman who saw real-life murders in her dreams and assisted the police or something like that.

I only saw this part where the guy was arguing with his much tougher boyfriend. Then the weaker guy pulled some plant out of a large vase and transferred it to a small vase and said, “You can have everything else. Everything.”

Then the weaker guy was visiting some people (not sure if he snuck out of his house) who were discussing calling the police on some woman that they believed was intimately involved with her son. The other person argued against it because the son was over 18.

Then it was nighttime and the gay guy was back home and in bed. The room was pitch black and as he lay there on his side, he could just barely make out the bedroom door slowly being pushed open by his lover, and that’s when the dream ended and also where I assume he was soon killed. I believe it was by strangulation. Makes me wonder if it was just a dream or if I was really seeing the final moments of a murder victim. If so, was it in another dimension?

Silence really does speak a thousand words. I asked Aly if there was anything else going on, not that I was trying to pry and not that she had to tell me anything she didn’t want to, and she said nothing other than that her latest blood test revealed too much bile in her liver which was causing acid reflux. I’ve been sensing something else is amiss but if there is, she isn’t sharing it. At least not with me.

His back has been horrible. He thought it was the air mattress but it turns out that’s not it. He has an appointment on May 24th and will bump it up if he has to. It sucks to see him in such pain regardless, but even more so when we still have a lot of prep work to do.

Yesterday we noticed Bob & Virginia’s SUV parked in the carport. We’re pretty sure they gave it to one of their kids. Well, I met another one of their sons yesterday as he was heading into the garage. I started to seriously doubt she was on vacation or staying with someone and that something was up when I thought to myself, she’s supposedly back but is leaving the garage light on that she almost never leaves on? That’s when I learned that she fell and broke her hip. A very common occurrence with older people. She had surgery and now she’s in rehab and will be home in a couple of weeks. I let Mrs. Twenties know.

I don’t know for sure if the magnesium is helping. It’s too soon to really say for sure. I’ve never taken it when the anxiety has been bad, and that would be the real test. I only took it when I was borderline anxious and it could have been a coincidence that I felt better afterward in that it might have fizzled out anyway. Doc A thinks it’s just stress over the upcoming changes in my life and wants to do a video appointment with me, so I’ll have to bring up the schedule program and set something up after we return from Petco.

Yes, we’re taking the pigs back to Petco later in the morning. I wonder if they’ll remember the place. Got mixed emotions about surrendering them. For the most part, I’ll be glad to be rid of them. For some reason, having pigs this time around just wasn’t what I remembered it to be. I felt like it was more work, hassle, money, mess, and smell than anything else. I’ll miss Rockefeller’s chatter, though.

So glad we’re having more temps in the 70s even if it will be anything but peaceful. They started cutting a tree in back of next door as I began unwinding with my audiobook but fortunately, it didn’t last long. Sometimes I just get so damn cold. My temperature drops about a degree when this happens. I’ve seen it as low as 96.6. I’m usually 97.

2.5 million have died from the virus that we know of. Really hope we’re getting closer to a successful vaccination with no side effects and that actually works. I’ll ask Doc A about that when I chat with her.

Something up there is either bound and determined to tease me or I am finally onto something when it comes to killing my anxiety. I’ve tried magnesium in the past but I’m pretty sure I only took one capsule. Remembering that there was still some in the house that Tom takes when he gets leg cramps, I found they don’t expire until June. So this time I took two when I felt a little on edge. For the rest of the day onward, I felt great! Coincidence? I guess I’ll find out when I get anxious again, but yeah, it could be. Many things seem to work at first and then they don’t.

I was reading that women entering the phase I’m entering notice skin wrinkling. I’ve definitely been noticing it in my hands! That’s the least of my concerns, though. I just want to kill my anxiety for good for once and for all or at least be able to go a lot longer between spells.

I’ve had mild pain in my left knee and a strange ache in the very lower left side of my stomach but the stomach seems to have passed. I think they’re both just pulled muscles. Yoga isn’t easy on a fatty.

We finished sorting the three large junk drawers in the kitchen and only have stuff in one of the drawers that we may or may not take with us. Later this morning, he’s going to pull up the rest of the tiles in the laundry room plus call Petco.

If my eyes can sting with such happy tears as we slowly take apart this place and pack things up bit by bit, I can imagine how emotional I’ll be when we finally get out of here! I’ve done more suffering in this place than in all the places I’ve lived in before combined. We had great money but it seems like the highlights of this place for us were him working his ass off and my suffering. Really, all he did was work while I suffered and had more appointments than ever.

Carolyn doesn’t know where Virginia is, she told me after I asked her.

The diamond painting with the dark-haired girl arrived today but I’m not quite done with the mandalas yet. Should finish that today or tomorrow. Meanwhile, it worked out well because the girl is larger and I’m straightening out the folds in the canvas by placing some heavy books on top of it.

I’ll definitely be stocked up on diamond paintings for a while because the girl is going to take close to a month to do and then I also got one of those small 6x6 paintings that comes with a white frame. This one has a pair of owls and even though I’m still not big on owls, I do love the colors and the transparent diamonds.

So we did keep the guinea pig papers after all. It turns out that Tom had them stashed somewhere in his closet. They say that Petco will gladly take back any pet that’s in good health regardless of age and find them good homes. I remember them saying this; I just didn’t think I kept the papers. So glad he had them!

So it will be a sad day but it’s still good news because we would rather not give them to a shelter that may end up killing them. This way we know that whoever gets them truly wants them and will almost certainly take good care of them as opposed to someone they’re forced on. I don’t know if Petco is going to charge a fee for them, but a shelter would have for sure, along with cavy rescue groups.

I filled the kitchen sink with an inch or two of lukewarm soapy water and put Rockefeller in it to give him a butt bath. It turns out it wasn’t just that he was dirty, but he also had some unusually long hairs that were knotted so I snipped them off. a little unusual for an American guinea pig. I also did his nails but strangely enough, Blitz doesn’t need his nails trimmed so I’m guessing he bites them off. Rockefeller didn’t mind the bath. A little nervous squealing as I carried him over to the sink but then he did his happy talk when I dried him off. It’s when I trimmed his nails that he got squirmy.

Did some more organizing, sorting, and packing. We decided we’re going to go with two U-Haul pods because we don’t want to play the game of Cram It and hope to hell everything fits. It’s one thing to run out of space for things you don’t really need or want but it’s another when it comes to things you do. Our stuff will be stored here in Citrus Heights and then once we know exactly where we’re going to be settling, we’ll have it shipped to us there.

We decided we would book a couple of months at a vacation rental although we don’t yet know exactly where. That way we can go straight there and then we’ll have two months to find a place. We may have to spend a few nights in a motel here in between closing and all that. The rental will likely be a manufactured home in an adult community. They’re cheaper during the summer because the snowbirds aren’t there at that time.

Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had since this bad anxiety spell began over 3 weeks ago. I did read an encouraging article when searching for reports of how often anxiety dissipates when entering the postmenopausal phase as I’m hopefully about to do. Not only is that the second most common symptom next to hot flashes, but I found it interesting when one person talked about “morning” anxiety and how it would come out of nowhere even when their lives were going well, and they had no reason to be anxious. Sure, I’m nervous about the move and a bit overwhelmed because I know many things could go wrong but I still shouldn’t be feeling the way I’ve been feeling just because we’re moving. I’ve moved before and I know Tom will say that I get this way every time we have a big event coming up but the feelings are just manifesting themselves differently this time, and maybe part of that is true, but I’m definitely more excited than anything else. I still say the anxiety is connected to something physiological and I’m not so sure how much of it is on the medication at this point. I just really hope to hell this isn’t a life sentence, whatever it is!

It was pretty interesting how one person mentioned it coming on at the same time even though I don’t know if they had my exact same symptoms. That could explain why mine has been toward the end of my day. I was barely borderline for about 90 minutes toward the end of my day yesterday. It was still a good day overall and I took my meds when I got up. Just not sure when and if I want to restart the statins.

Anyway, they say that yes, anxiety can go away after menopause but if you had anxiety during menopause, you may really have to take better care of your nervous system afterward. They recommend things like magnesium and Vitamin D. Magnesium didn’t help me much and I don’t know if Vitamin D is going to make much difference either, but we’ll see. I should hear from my doctor at some point today, too.

I had many detailed dreams but unfortunately, I don’t remember all of them, particularly ones that pertained to moving. Instead, I was about to turn 48 and was single and living in my own apartment somewhere. Every time I would return from going out somewhere, some guy would call me. At first I wrote it off as a prank, assuming it was some lonely, bored jackass that lived nearby and could see when I would come and go. But then I realized he knew my name and would call no matter what door I entered. This was when it hit me that if he was someone that lived nearby, he couldn’t see both front and back doors from one place any more than someone within the building could.

So on his next call, I was a little bit pissed and a whole lot curious and demanded that he show himself and come to my door. His reply was some senseless thing about having to protect those he loved.

I don’t know if this was part of the same dream or not, but in another scene, the apartment had a mural along the living room wall with a few people’s faces. I wrote some less-than-kind comments about them but I’m not sure what they were. I definitely felt guilty enough about it to call the management office and told them I just noticed the writing.

“I thought you wrote this,” one of the guys said that used this long stick-like thing to remove the writing, but I lied and denied having anything to do with it.

In order to use the cleaning thing, they had to use a special plug my keyboard was plugged into. After they left, I accidentally discovered that they plugged in their own keyboard instead of mine and had taken mine with them. Out of curiosity, I used some of the hotkeys in a document to see what information may come up. One of the things was a random string of letters and numbers that could have been a password for something.

So I went to call the office to tell them about the accidental switch when I realized I couldn’t call them because their number was programmed into my keyboard and apparently, I had no other way to retrieve it.

Writing more on PB again but disabling comments. This way I don’t have to be overwhelmed with suggestions as far as what to do about my anxiety or anyone trying to argue me out of my own perspective on things. But then I also get to enjoy the flow of visitors which I miss seeing on my tracking report.

At the end of my day yesterday I was so damn cold that I ended up taking my medication a couple of hours after I ate for the last time. I took my temperature and it was 96.8. Took it when I got up and it said I was 97.0, so I’m warming up a bit. Makes me wonder if I would literally freeze to death if I went over a week without taking this med.

I’m virtually positive that the statins didn’t have a hand in this round of anxiety but I’m still yes and no on the other stuff. I just don’t know what to think anymore. It makes sense that it would have a hand in it but then it doesn’t because of how erratic it is. And why always during the second part of my day? That isn’t a hard rule but it seems to be more common than not. I have been slightly on edge since being up and I wonder if it’s because I’m worried I’ll end up really anxious later because I took my med or because of the med itself. Whether or not I take it when I get up depends on how the rest of the day goes.

Realizing this isn’t going away on its own or at least not anytime soon, I finally messaged Doc A again and asked if she could recommend something OTC.

We went through the kitchen junk drawers and talked about how we could get out of here sooner if we started off in a “tooth park” with dumpier homes set close together which I hate, but noise is not only something I’m used to but the least of my concerns right now. Really, I wouldn’t know a quiet place if you put me in one. I went out before midnight to dump the recyclables and it was roaring out there between the freeway and a helicopter. No, I don’t like it but that’s all I pretty much know. And I know that it’s like this pretty much everywhere that doesn’t snow or get overly cold. It’s just the way today’s world is. I’m not going to go freeze my ass off somewhere just because people can’t shut up. But if we take a cheaper place, quiet or not, we could get out of here faster because we wouldn’t need to get as much for this place.

Having trouble picking up the drills for the mandala painting I’m doing now, so I’m applying them with tweezers. A painting with a girl’s face on it will be delivered tomorrow. It will be interesting to see how a person looks. This one isn’t bright and colorful like the other ones I’ve done. She has light eyes, black hair, red flowers in her hair, a red snake wrapped around her arm, and a dark background.

Last night I dreamed we moved although I’m not sure where it was. We decided we would let his family know where we were and ended up at some kind of event being hosted at David and Evie’s house. There were dozens of people when we got there, and Tom and I walked into one room in particular. Then Evie entered the room. She looked different and was actually quite slim, but I knew who she was right away. She had short curly hair dyed light brown. In real life, she was fat and had straight red hair.

I said hello and she ignored me, holding a serious expression on her face as she strode across the room with purpose in her stride. I said hello again, and again she ignored me. Feigning confusion, I asked if everything was okay. She finally said something about having to take care of something at the moment, but I knew deep down she resented us no doubt due to what other family members had said and because of our long absence.

Tom and I ended up separated and I was sitting at a round table with about half a dozen other people. I realized the pale pink spaghetti strap top I had on was too big and sagging in front. Then I was pissed at myself for not wearing a bra and a bit embarrassed to think of that and how I was wearing the same exact top the last time, not that anyone should have remembered that far back.

Deciding not to care about my shirt and lack of bra, I rose from my seat and wandered into a larger room in which about half a dozen people were playing different instruments. I scanned the room looking for Tom and found him on the other side of it.

When I approached him, I said that we weren’t going to be leaving for three or four more hours and I was afraid I would end up really tired since I’d been up since very early that morning. But then I reminded myself that people do party after getting up early.

Then I was sitting at a long table by myself eating the plate of food sitting before me (did someone bring it to me or did it just magically appear?) as the band played on. I was glad there were extra forks so I didn’t have to hunt for one but then I noticed there were trays of silverware set up nearby.

We still need to finish the laundry and bathroom floor and then touch up the paint in some spots. Plus we have to pull out the old bedroom windows and really clean the hell out of the appliances. He’s going to take the oven and showers and I’m going to tackle the toilets and fridge. Oh, got to bring the shower door back in and put it in the master bathroom, too.

Once that’s done, we’re going to reach out to a company that isn’t exactly like Sundae but not quite like a traditional realtor and hope for the best. Tom’s researched them. You take pictures of the place and shoot video or something like that and they give you a quote.

Anyway, the anxiety tends to mostly be present during the second part of my day and I don’t know why. I’m still suspecting that one of the many factors involved is that my thyroid medication built up too much in my system and I didn’t skip enough earlier and that prolonged the anxiety. So I’m waiting until I feel better before I go back to it.

However, if there’s any shit later on today, I’m going to message my PCP again and tell her that I don’t have the time and money to focus on this crap right now since we’re about to put our house on the market and can’t make an appointment with a psychiatrist that can’t see me for months anyway. Therefore, could she recommend an OTC supplement for anxiety that may help?

I did some research and I’m wondering if I may have a serotonin deficiency. One of the things they recommend for that is Vitamin D supplements, so I’ve gone back to that. I’ve also seen things like ashwagandha and L-theanine online and in stores which I’ll ask her about. I would prefer to only take something when I feel anxiety coming on but if I have to take something every day as a preventative measure, I will as long as there are no killer side effects. Trying to avoid SSRI drugs because they haven’t worked for me in the past. I would prefer not to need one in Florida but if I do, I hope that it doesn’t take so many months to get into a psychiatrist there.

Decided to try that pineapple wine Aly told me about but what does this idiot do? She goes into Rite Aid after being up for a long time and grabs the wrong bottle. I saw the palm trees on the bottle which I could have sworn I saw when I looked it up, and the word “pineapple,” and somehow the word “Malibu” registered as “Maui” in my mind when I glanced at it quickly. But instead of being wine, it’s rum, LOL. It’s fine, though. It’s good mixed with flavored sparkling water.

The last half of my day yesterday was totally shitty as hell. Again I couldn’t help but think of the potential diseases I found listed that can cause anxiety. Yet I don’t have heart disease, diabetes, or any of the diseases listed. Yes, I’m hypo but being hyper seems to make you more susceptible to anxiety.

I’ve also been cold as hell. I know it’s winter and part of being more hypo due to the skips I’ve made, but it does seem more noticeable lately. The instant I turned off the hot shower earlier, and I mean the instant, I was freezing cold again. I almost always have to sleep with a fan on, even in the winter. Yet last time around I didn’t need the fan at all.

But just like with the anxiety, I don’t have any of the diseases they say can make you feel cold other than being hypo.

So I thought of this long, horrible spell I’ve been having, and once again, it seems too extreme for wacky hormones. I think the problem is what it’s always been and what started, coincidentally, when I started taking the medication…the medication itself. I think where I went wrong was that I didn’t skip enough. When it creeps up on me, I need to not go back on it until I feel better for more than just a few hours or even a day. So I don’t know if I’m going to take my meds when I get up later on or not.

He thinks it’s mostly because of the skips, my hormones, and stress, but I just don’t know. Right now I’m thinking the meds built up too much in my system and I didn’t skip enough. I would rather have hypo symptoms than the anxiety from hell, so we’ll soon find out!

I woke up in the middle of my sleep for about 90 minutes and that caused a big jump in my schedule. Next week, I’m probably going to call the dentist and see if I can adjust the time of my appointment. I should still be okay for my other appointments.

Never did hear back from the cavy rescue group but didn’t expect to, so Tom will get in touch with Petco next week as well.

We went for a quick 15-minute walk at around 11. No skunk sightings although I got faint whiffs of them every now and then.

I’m so cold and missing summer so much that I don’t see how those stuck in the polar vortex can stand it.

Spent the first half of my day feeling the most normal and like my old self. It was great. Once I got past that halfway marker, though, I started feeling eh. Not bad but not great either. If I don’t get over this in another year or two, then that’s going to leave the medication or me developing a permanent disorder as a real possibility. Again I question the medication because then why did I go 11 weeks as I did at the end of last year?

Another possibility that I didn’t think of when I made the list of 7 possibilities was autoimmune flares. I don’t know if I still have those and exactly how they would affect me if I do but I wonder if that might be a possibility and would explain why I’m worse at times than I am at other times.

Since not taking my meds till the end of the day may not be helping me avoid not feeling as well once I get past the halfway mark of my day, I may go back to taking it in the morning.

What worries me about an article I read is how they mention suicidal thoughts being serious. Menopause shouldn’t make you feel that way. Just the way it mentions how it’s only an underlying health concern that will likely get worse without treatment if it’s this intense and regular makes me feel even worse. The problem is time and money. We need to be focused on getting out of here. It isn’t that I don’t want help but I just don’t know how to get it. I worry about all the time and money it may take and how many scary medications it may take before and if they find the right one. So I just don’t know if anybody can ever help me. I may be beyond help. But yeah, something is obviously wrong. I just don’t know what.

There’s so much anger either way. I’m so, SO pissed that I’ve had to suffer with such intense anxiety and for so long. Like what the fuck did I ever do to deserve such torture? Anything else I’ve ever experienced that was bad was a walk in the park compared to this. Hell, food poisoning is easier than anxiety! All I know is that if there is anything up there that could have prevented this, I will never ever forgive it. If I went 10 years without anxiety, it will always spark anger to remember these days. It’s just so unfair and so undeserved. I may not be a perfect person, but come on. You mean to tell me the lying, delusional nutjobs out there deserve better health and peace of mind than I do?

Another thing (as if anxiety isn’t enough) is that my weight is crying out to go up. It’s inching upward and I’m struggling like crazy to control it but don’t know that I can. Oh well. I did say I’d like to qualify for a lap band. Traditional diet and exercise haven’t done me any good for the last decade so that would be my only hope. Getting peanuts wasn’t a good thing. Thought it would help my foot cramps but bananas are actually better for that. I need to once again back off the carbs and drop the dark chocolate since it doesn’t always calm me anyway.

I emailed a guinea pig rescue group but don’t know if they’re taking pigs during the pandemic. If they don’t come through, we’ll contact Petco and see if they can direct us somewhere. If not, we’ll have to go to a shelter.

Couldn’t resist sending Donte, Alyssa’s husband, a friend request out of curiosity. If it’s ignored or I’m blocked, then I’m sure it’s because he knows who I am. Yes, there are people that won’t add anyone they don’t know personally but I think that’s more of a woman’s thing than a guy’s thing.

There’s only one word to describe how last night was for me from about 10 p.m. to 4 a.m. when I finally woke Tom up. HORRIBLE. Just horrible. I felt horribly anxious that it was making me horribly depressed and I just wished I could drop dead right there on the spot. My HR was consistently around 100.

He said it’s very unlikely that I have an extra potent batch of medicine because of the way there are people that test all the medications to make sure they are what they’re supposed to be before they’re given to the thousands of people that take it. He said we would have heard about it by now and that he thinks it is still a factor but more because of skipping than anything else. Then why didn’t I have this problem before I was diagnosed? I asked him and he said because my thyroid crashed gradually while the skips are more severe. That does make sense to a degree.

I’m still going to avoid the statins for a while but decided to take the poison at night. I’ve tried this before and it probably won’t help but since the trouble seems to usually start around the middle of my day, I figured I would take it a few hours before bed so that it’s been in my system for 8 hours in the middle of my sleep. As I said, I don’t know if that will make a difference, but we’ll see.

He thinks it’s mostly stress and that the pill skips and my hormones are compounding things. Well, if this is how I handle stress these days then I’m going to have a really rough rest of my life. He still thinks it will go away someday but I’ve totally given up hope. I think that it’s either a case of ending my life or just accepting that I’m going to suffer on and off to try to enjoy the good times. Like right now. Right now I’m pretty stable. I woke up a little on edge not knowing what to expect but now I’m doing okay.

Being the wonderful, supportive guy he is, he’s copying my schedule during the times I’m most likely to get anxious. Aly’s been there for me as well. We went out for a walk as the sun was setting and I showed him some yoga moves. Because I’m so bad at yoga which I’m guessing is because I’m fat, I think he would struggle even worse with it, LOL. This guy is 100 pounds overweight and loves to eat. He may consider getting a lap band when he’s on Medicare if they’ll cover enough of it. Depending on how it goes for him, I may eat my BMI up high enough (in 5 minutes) and get lap banded as well.

I’ve got a pair of pink yoga blocks coming. These are to help control your range of motion. Because age and weight have caused me to lose a lot of my flexibility, the blocks help make up for what I can’t quite reach. I always plan and live as if I’m never going to lose the weight and therefore, I do what I can to improvise whenever necessary and possible. I know it isn’t all about my weight, though, because I’ve seen obese people more flexible than I am and I’m not quite obese. At least not from an inches standpoint.

The amethyst stone with the thumb indentation arrived yesterday and they included a free gift which was a polished piece of citrine. The orange-brown polished rock is ugly, so I gave it to Tom, LOL.

Again my ENT was in my dreams last night. Strange how often she shows up in them. I wonder why, too. I remember my discussion with Andy about thought vibrations and it makes me wonder if I’m showing up in her dreams or thoughts and that’s why she’s showing up in mine. Most of the time I don’t remember the dreams but last night I was commenting on how long her hair got and so fast too.

Ugh, just googled her to see if anything new came up that may explain why I’ve been dreaming about her and got “Doc N, MD, is permanently closed.” So does that mean she moved and I’ll see her there wherever “there” is, and assuming they tell me where to go, or do I have to see someone else? If I have to see someone else, again, why does everything have to have such shitty timing in my life? I just looked on Dignity’s site, and the appointment is still there at the usual place on Cole, so I don’t know what’s up.

Yesterday I felt so much better. My day started off slightly borderline and then I felt great. I didn’t take anything at all yesterday. Today I took my levothyroxine and sure enough, towards the middle of my day, I can feel the anxiety picking up. I still think the statins likely compounded it, but for the millionth time, what the fuck is wrong with me??? I thought about it and came up with 7 possibilities which I’ve listed below.

Low thyroid
Medication/brands
Hormones
Stress
Developed anxiety disorder
Location
Something else

Okay, now let’s analyze them one at a time. The low thyroid itself seems unlikely because my thyroid didn’t fail the day before I was diagnosed. I’m almost positive it was low for a few years before they tested it.

As I said, the statins may have compounded it and I don’t doubt that I’ve had issues with different brands. But these thyroid pills are Sandoz, so it got me thinking about the inconsistencies I read about and how generic manufacturers aren’t as consistent as name brands. Could my anxiety be worse because I got an extra potent batch? It’s still ironic that my problems with anxiety didn’t start until a few months after I started this shit.

As for hormones and stress, it seems a bit much to be those things. I’ve never heard of any case of hormonal changes that a woman goes through at my age being this bad and even my doctor said she didn’t think it was only about that.

Also, I’ve been faced with MUCH more stressful situations than moving and having appointments, yet I never went through this before. Besides, you typically handle stressful situations better with age, not worse.

Analyzing the possibility of developing an anxiety disorder…possible but unlikely. People do develop different disorders at different ages in life, so I realize that it’s a possibility even if it still seems unlikely to me. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s my gut instinct that’s telling me that’s not it.

Then there is the least likely possibility and that has to do with being so close to a cemetery or something about this house or the general area itself. That would be the best thing it could be, but I highly doubt this one the most.

The last possibility I thought of this some other underlying health condition that hasn’t been discovered yet that could be causing this but that too, doesn’t seem likely.

I think the main culprits are connected to the medications and wacky hormones but hopefully not that I developed an anxiety disorder or that it’s become how my body reacts to low thyroid because if the last two are even remotely possible, then I’m forever doomed for sure.

I just wish I knew what things were having a hand in it and how much of a hand they have! Really starting to fear this is never going to go away no matter how postmenopausal I become.

If I absolutely had to guess right now, I would say the number one culprit is connected to the medication somehow. I think there are probably just inconsistencies from bottle to bottle and maybe even from pill to pill, I don’t know. Runner-up to that would be hormones still changing.

I may skip again tomorrow and see how I feel. If I feel better on days I skip, then that tells me something. I haven’t decided for sure yet. Of course I don’t want to be anxious, but I don’t want to be hypo either. But to think my life is going to be a constant battle of Would You Rather? makes me want to beat my fucking head into the wall.

The only good thing is that if I continue to feel this way after the move, then I can narrow the list down to 6 possibilities.

Tom applied for a few jobs and there was a casino job he thought might actually be fun where you walk around with a cart with change for people and all that. Yeah, but I’d hate for him to be around all that second-hand smoke and I also hate the idea of him working before he’s vaccinated. It would also take time away from the prepping and all that and dealing with realtors. Really hope he won’t have to work until after the move and only if he wants to for extras like going on cruises.

I don’t think Virginia’s home. At 9 o’clock I looked over there and there wasn’t any light on, yet she never goes to bed that early. I hope nothing’s wrong for her sake, almost 88 or not!

The frames came today, and we framed the palm trees diamond painting I finished last night. It looks great! Had to put purple poster board behind it because it was a little narrow for the frame. The length was perfect, though.

The two unicorn diamond paintings came today as well which I plan to do for Aly’s birthday.

Ordered a 12x12 painting of various mandalas for myself and a set of 6 Freshly Baked fragrance oils - Blueberry Pancakes, Caramel Nut Muffin, Butterscotch Cookie Dough, Cinnabon, Chocolate Fondue, Creamy Nutmeg.

So I got really bad last night, and then it stopped. Just stopped. I don’t get it. It was almost like the panic attack without the panic where it peaked and then fizzled out. Only I didn’t have the racing heart, shaking, or feel like I was going to die. Just ran and got a big mouthful of turkey which I had forgotten I had.

Tryptophan seems like it helps better than alcohol. I hadn’t had any wine for over a week just in case it might have been contributing to my anxiety even though I didn’t think it was. But I picked up some Moscato today.

I read a report on some studies conducted and there are a number of reports of statin users reporting feelings of anxiety and depression. Not as much as irritability, but still. We know that for some reason I’ve gotten sensitive to medication and certain brands as well. And it’s quite a coincidence that I got really bad after taking the statin I took last night. So I’m taking a break again and this time it’s going to be for a lot longer than just a few days. I still think there are multiple contributors to the anxiety, but I think that could be a significant source and I don’t want to take any chances. I’d totally rather not be on statins and end up dropping dead of a stroke or heart attack than take statins and feel so horribly bad. If I literally could have snapped my fingers and been dead, I wouldn’t have hesitated.

Thinking back to how bad I was when I first started on both drugs in 2014, it kind of makes sense. If I was on the brands that make me more anxious at the same time and going through perimenopause, I can see where that would have created the perfect storm.

I decided to layer my hair and it looks a little better. All I did was brush the hairs from the crown of my head straight upward and trim the ends.

It’s Andy’s 59th birthday tomorrow so I’m going to wish him a happy birthday soon.

Nothing like begging a God that doesn’t exist (or doesn’t care to hear me) to please not let me be anxious just to end up anxious anyway. I’ve done everything I can think of to help myself yet it’s gotten me nowhere. The only thing I’m not willing to do is schedule an appointment with some foreign shrink that can’t see me for half a year to discuss drugs that are either addicting, have horrible side effects, or stop working after a while.

Yesterday’s anxiety was mild but it was still noticeable. Seems to be coming more toward the end of my day rather than the middle lately for whatever reason. That is, until today. Today I woke up feeling a mix of anxiety, depression, and fatigue but later perked up briefly. Was it cuz of the pot lotion? The anxiety oil? The dark chocolate? Something else? I wish I knew!

The darkness goes on with no end in sight. Every time I start to feel better, I get that weird feeling again. That anxious, depressive feeling. I just can’t believe I’m going through this shit and that I’ve become this way. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. It’s like something up there really wants me to have some form of long-term suffering or another. Just wish we could please go back to the days of it being external. If it wasn’t for this shit, my worst problems would be occasional boredom and noise.

Anxious or not, there’s still the stress of the upcoming appointments and plenty of stress over the move. So many things could go wrong, and well, things are never easy for us. Just rehoming the pigs may be harder than we thought. There are a surprising number of shelters that say they don’t take guinea pigs and there aren’t as many no-kill shelters as we thought there would be. We’re still going to contact a guinea pig rescue service but they may have to go to a shelter that will put them to sleep. Of course we would prefer for that not to happen but if God forbid it does, at least they won’t know it’s coming and they’ll die an easy death compared to a natural one. I wish we could all die by simply falling asleep, never waking up, and never knowing when it’s going to happen.

I still fear that this is more than changing hormones and am coming to doubt whether either medication is responsible for it because of the way the anxiety isn’t consistent. Oh, I still know I had problems with the thyroid medication when I first started it and I still think I did have some brand issues where that’s concerned but I don’t think the statins cause my latest round of anxiety. In fact, I went back on them tonight.

This is definitely the worst spell I’ve had in ages and it’s truly worrisome. It makes me wonder if there’s some other health issue going on that could be causing it. From what I read, not only can thyroid disease cause it but so can diabetes, heart disease and others. And again, it’s still possible I simply up and became this way and developed an anxiety disorder but I sure as hell hope that’s not the case and that it isn’t a forever thing. I try to tell myself that nothing lasts forever and that things do change, but that’s not a hundred percent true. My thyroid disease is going to last forever and so is my TMJ.

I’ve had 17 anxious days so far this year. That’s about half as many as I had last year! Something’s wrong. This is absolutely horrible. The anxiety is getting more intense as I write this and I’m scared. My mind keeps pinging back and forth between all the possibilities… the meds, the brand, hormones, an anxiety disorder I developed, my thyroid, some other health issue… I feel like I’m about to go completely insane! It’s like I just want to go to bed and never wake up. I’m trying to keep from freaking out because I just don’t know what to do anymore. It used to be easy even when it was hard. It was easy because I knew what the problem was be it poverty or problem neighbors or whatever. But now I don’t know what the fuck my enemy is and what to do about it. I just know I’m tired of suffering and not knowing what the fuck to do. I just tried tapping and nothing helps.

“You’re such a good detective,” Andy told me because he never noticed the address on his cover picture, and the reason it’s there is that it reminded him of Connecticut. LOL, that’s exactly where I thought it was, too.

He missed me laughing at his weather. That feel-good kind of laughter, he said that always put him in a good mood.

He said he’s still sober, clean, self-employed, and happy with his life and where he lives. Yes, winter sucks but he can’t handle the heat as well as he used to, he told me. Neither can I but I guess that’s because I’m not young and skinny anymore and definitely because my medication can make you sensitive to heat. I still tolerate heat a hell of a lot better than cold.

He said he thinks of moving to the coast of Florida someday but doesn’t know if he actually will.

He also says he’s working on his food addiction. Yeah, I thought he might have had a food addiction way back when. Food was all he would talk about besides God and Stevie.

I’m not at all surprised Trump was acquitted again. Really, why bother to have these “trials?” They’re about as pointless as protests. It seems some people really are above the law. However, as much as I wish Trump would just drop dead, he really isn’t responsible for other people’s actions. Someone can tell me to kill someone all they want, but if I actually act on it, I’m the only one responsible for my actions. Not anyone else. These were grown adults that should have known right from wrong. No one forced them to riot. They chose to do it on their own. Trump may be a shitty influence that deserves to be slowly tortured to death but not directly responsible from a legal standpoint.

Aly says Kim finally wrote her and had a COVID-19 scare but is okay. Yeah, I figured as much. I knew she would be just fine. As horrendously huge as she is, she probably won’t develop any serious health issues until the day before she dies.

The pair of unicorn diamond paintings, along with frames for larger diamond paintings, and a small amethyst healing stone with an indentation for the thumb are on their way. Of course I don’t think it will work but it was only seven bucks and I’m desperate as hell.

So I did hear back from Andy but first things first…I keep ending up liking and wanting to keep the diamond paintings I plan to send Aly for her birthday, LOL. So now I have two owl paintings that were going to be hers. I’m getting a two-pack of unicorns for her instead that I’m at least reasonably sure I wouldn’t want to keep for myself.

We’re going to be getting some frames for the big one I’m still doing. I should be finished with it in a few days or so. He saw a tutorial on framing diamond paintings where you get colored poster board to slip behind it in a frame that’s bigger than the painting and you have that color for a border. That way you don’t have to worry about a precise fit.

Tom’s been slaving away at the floor in the small bathroom. The foam tiles are coming up easily and the vinyl tiles are coming up easily, but the adhesive isn’t. There’s a horrible sticky film all over the floor that he’s slowly trying to scrape and mop up. It’s probably going to take multiple moppings. Now he’s trying the carpet cleaner on it.

I finally ran out of patience with long hair and cut it off myself. It’s barely to my shoulders but looks okay and is MUCH easier to manage. It poofs out a bit but I don’t want to layer it myself. I keep it in a ponytail most of the time anyway, and a salon can straighten it out for me in a couple of months or so. I just didn’t want to deal with the length for another couple of months.

Good to see the critical cases slipping under 100K for the first time in a while. We should be a month or two away from vaccinations.

Aly and Cam did The Return to Sender spell yesterday and I’m hoping it helps them the way it’s helped us.

I remained calm yesterday which is something I have mixed emotions about. Of course I don’t want to feel anxious under any circumstances for any reason, but I also don’t want it to be a brand issue either. It’s too soon to say for sure either way, though.

So I awoke to a few funny memes and a few messages from Andy which sort of surprised me. I mean it did, but it didn’t. He swears it wasn’t him that said, “Jodi gets free stuff always” or “Tom’s the worker bee silly rabbit,” on MD years ago. Unless he did and simply isn’t remembering it, the one thing he’s never been guilty of is being a liar. He’s actually always been pretty honest with me.

I guess it could have been anyone since, after all, a woman in the US is seen as bad for not working as a woman in India is for not having kids. It just seemed a little too personal, almost as if it was someone close to me. And the “silly rabbit” comment seemed like something he would make as well. Doesn’t seem like any family members would say that, and those currently in my life aren’t judgmental otherwise they wouldn’t be in it. IDK, maybe it was a random reader. I’ll never know. But women do get bashed for having kids these days and twice as much for not having a job outside of the house, even if they still work from home. Other than when there’s a lockdown going on of course.

He admits to being judgmental and that his family and I have accused him of being negative and that everyone seems to expect perfection from him. He said why not just accept him as he is? Also, the thing that would bother him most was when I expect him to agree with everything.

I never expected him to agree with everything. Just to keep in mind that sometimes there’s a difference between an opinion and a fact. I think, though, that we all can be judgmental and negative at times, so I can understand that much. I mean even if we don’t always voice them, it’s only human nature to form judgments and opinions on what we hear and see.

He apologized for pressuring me to be in constant contact years ago. Aly used to do that to me too. He says although he doesn’t know why he was like that, he realizes it was wrong and says he’s just as busy as I was then. Well, I don’t know if I was always busy, but I do try to keep myself occupied so I don’t get bored and out of shape. Still, anytime I feel smothered isn’t a good thing. We all need some breathing space.

He said what he loves most about me is my silly sense of humor and that no one else has ever made him laugh as much as I have. But in so many ways my mind is creative in devious ways, many of which he participated in and that scared him and made him question being friends with someone who was capable of being that way.

Oh, the deviant shit I admit I used to pull in the past without blinking an eye that I would never even think of doing these days due to either feeling guilty or worried about Karma getting me for it. Like writing “fuck you” on Andrea’s IRS statement that was accidentally put in my mailbox at the Vista Ventana before returning it. But never think that deviance doesn’t live on in my mind, though, for it does. Oh, the things I do to some people in my mind!

Regardless, he always remembers our history and that it dates back to the late 60s and loves being friends with people who knew him for that long. Precisely why I would never tell him that in many ways, Aly is the bestie he never was or could be. Because I know that would hurt since we’ve met face-to-face and go back to the 60s as opposed to a cyber friendship that goes back to 2008. But even though Andy will always be like family to me, I know which one I’d choose in a heartbeat if I had to!

2008 was the year he said Adam dumped him and he’s not sure he would ever want to resume a friendship with him but for some reason I’m different and he does want to be my friend. He said he visited Marla in 2018 and would have loved to take the train up to Sacramento once again. Yeah, I admit that would’ve been nice.

I think it would be good to keep in touch every now and then rather than be so all or nothing. I can’t say that I’ll ever consider him the bestie I once considered him to be but more like the bestie of the 20th century while Aly’s the bestie of the 21st century.

Oh, the obvious differences in their intelligence levels! He says he doesn’t know why I think he’s in Ohio. He’s still in Springfield, Massachusetts, and loving every second of it. Ah, but does he not realize the address on his cover photo? Obviously not, LOL.

He said he remembers when he sang me the song How Do You Do and I was so excited because I’d forgotten that song.

And again I forgot about that song, LOL…until he just mentioned it. We used to sing it to each other at the beach when we were kids, he said, although I don’t remember that much.

As far as that deviant thing goes, he mentioned a guy at the Vista that would call him a faggot and that I wrote a letter anonymously to say that I knew where he was and was going to come and get him, and then he moved in the middle of the night and we were laughing about it and all that. At first I had absolutely no recollection of who he was talking about. I’m still not sure I know who he’s talking about but it does sound like something I would have done. My best guess is the pervert that lived next to me when I had the ground-floor studio. Hated that bastard! And I hated the guy above me because he walked like an elephant. Andrea would end up worse than both of them, though. But he must be talking about Mark. Robert was the guy above me, but Mark…that must be the 6-foot-plus perve I, barely 100 pounds soaking wet at the time, must’ve scared off. Haha!

Mark was a definite hater, alright…gays, blacks, poor people…he hated them all. Didn’t we red-bra him, though? It seems like my parents sent a package and we took some of the things we didn’t want and left them by people’s doors just to baffle them, and I swear I took a red lacy bra that was too big for me and left it hanging on his door, LOL.

I mentioned putting the house on the market and he said with confidence that we’ll get a great offer in just one day because the house is beautiful, but I think he forgets that manufactured homes don’t have the value that on-site built homes have, plus it is outdated.

I would have had the answers if I’d just been able to speak clearly! I had the information in my dreams. I excitedly told the dream people our moving date but was so choked up with emotion and crying happy tears that I could barely talk. Right now I have a mild vibe about getting an offer in April and moving in June but it’s not as strong as the flying vibes and dreams I’ve had. He was comparing costs between flying and different ground variations and right now it is looking more likely that we will fly. If that’s true, it will be interesting to see if it’s first-class like in the dream and if the window is to my left.

Here’s the most interesting and amazing thing he told me. Well, we switched to leaving voice messages because it’s easier. He sounds great and very easy to understand, as always. Can’t deny that they put a big smile on my face just like when he would leave voice messages on the old-fashioned answering machines we had in our apartments back in the 80s. He thanked me for that classic laugh of mine.

Anyway, back when he started popping up in my dreams, I remembered how he once told me that people that know each other sense when they’re on each other’s minds and he would often pick up the vibes when someone was thinking of him and vice versa. I wondered if him being in my dreams like that all of a sudden meant that he’d been thinking of me. Well, it turns out that he hadn’t thought of me in months, and then last October he started dreaming about me a lot and asking himself what the hell is going on? Is she thinking of me? Is she going to come back into my life? And then he told himself nah, she’s never going to contact me ever again. But now, here I am. Way cool but makes me wonder why the termites are on my mind every day. I certainly don’t miss them and I would never under any circumstances ever take them back into my life for any reason, but I wonder if it’s because they’re thinking of me constantly that’s got them on my mind regularly or if it’s just my anger that has them on my mind so much. Probably the latter. I’ll get things off my chest when I feel the time is right and that will purge some of the anger even though I’ll never forgive them.