Sometimes I wish we’d committed suicide in the Sacramento motel or in Auburn during the recession. Had I known what lay ahead, that may have been a real game-changer for me. At first I was happy we survived so I could learn more languages and meet some interesting people online as I have but was it really worth all the other shit awaiting me in the end? Sometimes I’m not so sure about that.

Yesterday sucked for about 4 or 5 hours. Tom reminded me to use my happy light, as we call it, and not just for a few minutes. It’s on ‘high’ right now and sitting on the desk.

So I decided to message Doc A and she was obviously on the portal at the time because she replied just minutes later. I described my symptoms to her and let her know that I wasn’t having panic attacks but an anxious feeling in the center of my chest and wanted to know if changing hormones could still be a factor. She said it could be a combination of both anxiety and hormones still changing and to call them if the symptoms persist to set up an office or video appointment.

Yeah, because she’s really helped me before? It’ll be 7 years this summer. I’m starting to feel really doomed in that I don’t think this will ever go away. I just think it will be better sometimes than other times. Right now is certainly not one of those times. Last year I was anxious for somewhere between 30 and 40 days total. Yet we’re barely into February and I’ve already had 10 anxious days. Not exactly feeling very hopeful. In fact, I feel quite hopeless.

Instinctively, I’m trying to think of everything I can to help myself. I searched Amazon for some things and Tom reminded me not to worry about money and just get whatever I want. I’ve never been able to understand how an object could possibly make you feel better but healing stones and crystals seem to be a big thing, so I decided to try one. I got a rose quartz necklace that’s supposed to ease anxiety. It’s a pleasant shade of light pink.

One of the bracelets I saw looks remarkably like the one I made. I guess lava beads, being dry as they are, are good for placing a drop of oil onto. But why not just drop it on you?

Many believe that praying to God works but if there’s anything up there, it isn’t listening to me. So maybe crystals really do work for most people but won’t for me. I’ll find out later today.

I also got another blend of calming essential oils. I’ve heard good things about hemp oil but with me being afraid to try things orally, and not knowing how they may interact with my meds, I’m hesitant to try it. But some people say all they need is a couple of drops and gone is their anxiety. However, Walmart has this lotion infused with cannabis that I’m going to try. They even have one with melatonin in it. Never heard of drugs in lotions but I guess it kind of makes sense when you think about it because the skin does absorb things. I’ll just put a tiny bit on my hands when I get it with this morning’s delivery to make sure nothing bad happens. I still have my phobia when it comes to things like that, but desperate feelings call for desperate measures, and believe me, if I can ever find anything that helps, I’ll buy a lifetime supply of it! Hell, I would become a full-fledged alcoholic if I knew that would help. But just like with prescription anxiety medication, you can still feel some symptoms of anxiety even if you’ve had a drink.

I was going to skip the levothyroxine today but decided to take it. I just cut the waiting time in half. Depending on how I feel today, I may drop the statins for a week or so. I still can’t say for sure whether or not they could be contributing to this shit.

It definitely seems that whether it’s by design or not, I’m meant to suffer one long-term problem after another. It seems as soon as one ends, the next one begins within a year or two. I can’t stress enough how much this is the worst one so far! Maybe it’s one of those 7-year curses that will end this summer, but I doubt it even though the freeloaders seized control of my life for about that long. Seems like the total time I wanted a kid added up to about that long, too. Being broke is harder to calculate because it was more of an on-and-off thing than continuous.

I swear my bird clock must be possessed. It stopped tracking time and chirping, and every time I would remind myself to replace the batteries, I would forget. However, it started working on its own recently. Maybe something got stuck within the mechanisms?

Anyway, I got up a few hours ago and now I’m going to hit the shower and work out and brace myself for the inevitable storm to come later in my day. I don’t know, maybe it’s time to put suicide back on the table but not until after I’ve gotten the chance to live in Florida for a while. Really, I can’t play this fucking game for the rest of my life. There’s just no way I can do it.