Slept shitty last night so I’m kind of tired today. Tired enough to take the day off from exercising although it’s good to do once a week anyway and Sunday is when I usually do that.

I don’t know, it’s like the crystal energized me and not only did I have trouble falling asleep yesterday but I couldn’t get back to sleep when I woke up to pee 4 hours later. I then dozed on and off for about 3 hours after it took me an hour to fall back asleep.

Could be because I drank right before bed but I’m out of wine and I’m probably not going to get more anytime soon.

I remembered that the Twenties sell rocks and minerals and I asked Carolyn if she believed in healing rocks and crystals or if she thought it was silly superstition. She says she finds prayer usually helps calm her but knows others who have said they work. She doesn’t have any, though.

Not too long ago, Tom found that there was some decorative raw quartz outside. I like how mine is nicely polished and smooth to the touch. Can’t say for sure if it’s going to do me any good since I started to feel a little wound up at the end of my day yesterday. Better to have a little at the end of my day and not a lot in the middle or earlier but I just wish it would fucking stop!!!

It’s the weirdest thing because I don’t know if it’s “anxiety” per se. The only symptom I have is these random adrenaline rushes in my chest. I did read that that could be a symptom of tumors on the adrenal glands but for 4 years? It was in 2016 that the panic attacks stopped and the adrenaline rushes started. I’m sure I’ve actually had them since 2014 when this shit first began but the panic attacks would have made the feeling not stand out as much because I had other symptoms along with it. But I don’t usually have a racing heart or other symptoms with what I’ve been having since December of 2016. Just a feeling of adrenaline coming and going in waves in my chest. Tom is pretty sure it’s anxiety and not actually adrenaline because then my heart would have to be racing. Also, my old endo would have caught any tumors when she did the special adrenal tests she did.

I still say there’s got to be some physiological cause for it and while we both doubt it’s a tumor, I just wish I knew all the causes, what to do about it, if it’ll last forever, etc. The cannabis lotion I got seems to have a calming effect on me but it’s short-lived.

Dark chocolate seems like it may help a little as well but I don’t want to get carried away with the sugar. Then again I’d rather be a full-fledged diabetic before I continued to feel this horrible and the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. Even a terminal diagnosis may not seem as bad because then at least I know there would be an end to my suffering. Don’t know if anything else would lie beyond but at least I would be done with any shit here.

So I know the potential causes could be changing hormones, low thyroid, build-up of meds, new brand of statins, but I still don’t know how to fix it.

He also thinks it could be me stressing out over my schedule, upcoming appointments, and the move. But then why did my body not react this way to stressful things in the past? He thinks it’s because we change with age and anxiety manifests itself differently than it used to.

Either way, my biggest fear in life right now is that this may never go away. No way in hell I can live like this for another 20 years or so. There’s just no way.

We went out for a walk yesterday and I was warm even with my hoodie even though it was only in the 50s.

I had this feeling in the outer corner of my right eye that there might have been an eyelash stuck in my eye or something. I had Tom look at it and he said it was irritated and like there was some kind of bruise or something. So I used his natural eyedrops and that helped soothe it. Oh, to have that be my worst problem in life!

I know I said I was going to wait but then decided to unblock Andy because I’m curious to see if he notices and has anything to say. From the looks of it, he’s no longer friends with Norma unless I just can’t see him on her friend list because he’s got his friend list set to private. Can’t believe either of them would ever unfriend the other.

Rats and Mexicans dominated my dreams last night. Or at least the ones I remember.

In one dream Tom and I were holding a terrified rat that was making sounds no rat has ever made.

In the next dream, we lived literally just a few steps from the Mexican border. I heard this strange humming sound and stepped into Mexico to see what it was and found myself in a very industrialized area. I then realized someone was working on something in a factory with some kind of power tool.

Dismayed to be so close to such noise, I stepped back into the US but not before some Mexican guy saw me and followed me to get on my ass for stepping over the border.

In another dream, I woke up tired but decided to go for a walk by myself anyway. It was really early in the morning and the sun was just coming up. Disoriented from lack of sleep, I started down a hill steeper than the one we have here and then found myself turning around to head back up without even realizing it. When I finally did realize it, I figured it would be better to head home because I was too out of it from lack of sleep anyway.

Once I got up to the top of the hill where the road formed a T and before I could head left towards my house, I spotted a group of Mexican guys across the street in a wooded area. I guess they were probably Mexican. Anyway, in that second, I realized I was stark naked. I crossed my arms over my chest and was horrified when one of them noticed me before I could make the turn toward my place, and started heading in my direction.

OMG, my husband is pure genius! I just remembered the Return to Sender spell which we reapply every now and then when things aren’t going well. We’ve done it maybe half a dozen times or so since he discovered it online in 2005. Well, I’ve either suddenly become seriously bipolar or the spell is already working because I feel tremendously better. Eh, I’m sure I’ll get stabbed again sooner or later but for now, I’m enjoying feeling better after starting off my day on an anxious note. But this spell really does help. It may not make everything perfect all the time but it does help.

Where he’s a genius is in coming up with the idea of getting a rental and a job when we get to Florida rather than buying a place right away. If we sign a lease for three to six months and he gets a job, then we could qualify for a place that’s closer to 200K instead of less than 100K where our options are much more limited. There aren’t many states like Cali where you can get over 4K a month and insurance and not even work. So our income is definitely going to take a nosedive in Florida, but I jokingly said, “Hey, maybe I’ll feel better then.”

It really does seem like we traded in money woes for health issues.

My only two concerns are whether or not they’ll accept us with what money we’ll have and whether or not we can get out in three or six months, but if worse comes to worst, we go back to the original plan and just buy a cheaper place.

What also makes this plan appealing is that it gives us a chance to test drive the climate without actually being locked in. Takes a lot longer to sell a place than it does to leave a rental.