The last few days have been busy yet fun. I hope I can remember to update all that’s gone on.

Got another email from the Court TV Clean Getaway sweeps asking why I hadn’t sent the affidavit in and I replied saying I already signed and mailed it, and that when I asked last week why I hadn’t gotten my prize yet, I was told that a lot of the prizes were returned for postage due and mine was one of them and it was to be re-sent to me. I also told them I wasn’t going to send in another affy and that if they can’t manage their own sweeps, including incoming affies, and put enough postage on the prizes, then why bother? I’m not going to do their job for them. It’s their job to take care of the affies they receive and their job to mail the prizes with the proper postage!

In the end, I got an email back saying they’d send it. We’ll see.

It’ll also be interesting to see if these iPod people really are scammers or not. They finally let me have all my points and they say the iPod, which is just a small one that could hold only about 100 songs, will be sent in 4-6 weeks.

I got a surprise win yesterday from Showtime’s Master of Horror sweeps. When I saw the DHL van pull up, I thought it was something from Zazzle, like maybe they decided to let me have my Barbie shirt after all. It was the same lady too, who gave me the rat stamps and shirt. However, when I opened the box, out came a backpack with a $50 PC game, a couple of CDs, and a woman and a man’s shirt. The CDs are of heavy metal music and they suck, but Tom likes the game. The shirts fit us nicely and so today we’re going to be twins.

I also won an Eric Clapton DVD which Tom would like, but being a DVD, I don’t expect to get it.

I hope to get lots of my own win notices next month, as well as everyone else’s, of course.

I’m still hanging down around 122 pounds, and my ear, believe it or not, just might be on the mend after all. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I’m having spells where it’s not bothering me. Now I just have to hope they get more frequent and don’t end up being replaced with a whole new problem.

We were going to screw yesterday. I figured that since it’d be painful because it’s been so long, it’d be nice to have irritation down there which would hopefully take the attention from my ear for a while. Then my allergies ended up going off so we didn’t bother. I’m still having such mixed emotions about it. I feel unwanted if we don’t, yet I don’t want to go back to the same old boring, predictable sex that simply doesn’t excite me anymore. That’s fine that he’s content with not cumming, but it’s been hard for me since I’ve started having a hard time doing that myself. He chooses not to cum, so that’s different than someone who simply can’t get excited enough to cum. So is it really worth it just to “feel good” but not good enough to cum? Hell, if I just wanted to feel good, he can simply give me a back or foot massage. I also said I was sick of the stopping and starting.

Good news about the house next door. We figured they were getting ready to put it on the market again because we’ve seen lights on at night. Tom said the alarm had been going off for days. He obviously could hear it as he walked by, but I didn’t hear a thing in here. It’s now for rent rather than for sale, and according to what we read online, no pets are allowed! That really eases the stress from me big time. That way, if people move in before we move out, the worst we’ll get is screaming kids, but I’d rather that than barking dogs because the kids won’t be out as often. The owners sure are greedy as hell. They want a ridiculous $800! It may have sufficient space and a big yard, but the house itself is not that nice. I’m sure it’s nicer than this, but not by much. It’s still pretty old.

There’s another house near here for the same amount, but it’s a nice house that’s well worth the price. I wish we could talk one of them down to $650, but I also don’t want to end up in the same predicament we were in before where he loses his job, we go on unemployment and that keeps us comfy for a while, then he starts all over again at minimum wage and we end up homeless because we can’t afford the higher rent.

While I still want a nicer place and we need more space badly, I’m almost afraid to move since things have gone so well here and it is so cheap and easy to heat. The worst we could get, besides noisy kids, is someone with a loud stereo moving in next door, in which case I would be so unbelievably tempted to smash it with a hammer! Really, I don’t know if I could restrain myself!

Tom is really having doubts about this pending trip to Beaverton which is up by Portland. It’d be a 5-hour drive. He’s hesitant to go because the parts they’re going to get could be mailed to him easily enough, and because we’d lose money. He may have to be the one to shell out the money for a motel and all for nothing. So he’s got quite a dilemma ahead of him. Does he put his foot down and risk being fired? Or does he let them use and abuse him at will as BOA did so we can have money?

It’s snowing like crazy now, but it sure keeps things quiet out there. Honestly, I don’t know which is worse; being warm and cozy while having to listen to people’s antics night and day, or freezing my ass off in a peaceful place. The more I think about it, the more I think that unless one of us wins a large sum of money or he gets a huge raise or partnership, our best bet might be to stay here and freeze while we save up enough money for a down payment on a house in rural Sacramento. I’d rather we move to where we want to be, and not where a measly two grand says we have to be, which could only be the heart of Sacramento and that would be like returning to Phoenix.

Two mornings ago we went to Fred Meyer. It was dark when we left for the bus stop downtown. It was raining lightly and in the 40s. We had so much fun shopping and could take our time doing it because at 7 AM the store was dead. When we were done we killed time waiting for the bus in Carl’s Jr.

I only ended up not getting a couple of things on my list. I didn’t get new pillows because that’d be a bit hard to carry on the bus, and I didn’t get a new robe because they were all so damn long. If I were Kate’s height, I could wear them, but not at this height. I looked for children’s robes but couldn’t find any.

I ended up getting new silverware, 4 plastic cups with a floral design, a can opener, an iron, a kitchen pail, Emeraude cologne, more lip gloss, two dolls and an outfit. The outfit is a dress with metallic shades of fuchsia, purple and green. One doll is a holiday doll in maroon and white with silver glitter and is absolutely gorgeous, and another is of a Hawaiian theme.

Tom got a new camera as the last of the guitar payment, and it’s way nicer than the old one. I’ve been having all kinds of fun with it!

Lastly, that fabric glue is fantastic! It’s so easy to use and it works so well.

Tom’s been handicapping most of the day. We took a walk to the store earlier. It was my first time out since my appointment. It wasn’t as cold, snowy and icy as the day I had my appointment, but it was still cold enough in the high 30s, and damp, too.

Unfortunately, he does have to work tomorrow. They want him to do inventory which he says is stupid because it only takes a few minutes.

Wednesday we’re going to go to Fred Myers early in the morning to escape the worst of the after-Christmas-sale rush, and Thursday we’re going to go to a bookstore so I can get more books.

Later we’re going to hem my two new pairs of pants with that glue. We tested it on a strip of material I cut off from the ends and it seems like it should work really well.

My Angelina doll made it into Portland this morning and will be here tomorrow. I still can’t believe my Tonner collection will be doubled tomorrow, all in the space of just a few months. I also can’t believe that at the end of next month, I’ll be raiding the boutique for just about everything I want.

I can’t believe I have to drop all the way down to 1000-1200 calories a day just to maintain my weight! If I’d have had 1000-2000 cals a day in my 20s for the few weeks that I’ve been having that amount, I’d be down to 110 pounds by now, maybe lower. I just never would’ve thought my metabolism would get this slow, but it happens to the best of us. I’d hate to think of how slow it’ll be in another 10 years from now! I’ll have to have just 800 to stay 20 pounds overweight. I may drop to 800 calories for a few weeks just to see if my weight still holds in the low 120s or not. On Claritin, I think I could do it. Just not for a long time.

Got a card from Paula yesterday addressed to us both from her and Justin. That was nice of her.

The mailman knocked on the door so he could sign for my Yves package, and again I slept through it. I don’t get it. I sleep through people knocking not even a foot from my head, but I can’t sleep through people’s stereos!

Tom accidentally bumped and broke my bronze ballerina which is really made of wood. Bits of her lower leg chipped off and she lost a finger, too. It seems they always lose their pinkies when they break.

Wow, 1550 sweeps are expiring at the end of the year! I should definitely win something. I just hope it’s not the usual small prize.

Later…

Tom’s doing laundry now. He had heard that the owners were Jehovah’s Witnesses and I guess one of their silly rules is not to close their businesses on Christmas.

What is this chick doing next door? She took off about 10 minutes ago and I thought she was going somewhere for the day, but she returned 5 minutes later. Now she just took off again, and I’m wondering if she’s going to come and go all day or what? She must not have family around here which might explain why she rarely has company.

It’s going to be such a tough decision as to whether or not we should stay or go if he doesn’t get a huge salary or a partnership. Even if they came out and told him they’d never pay him any more than what he’s making now and that he wouldn’t be getting any more overtime, would it be wise to throw that away, leave a place with such a low cost of living, and hope for the best in Sacramento? What if he could never make good money again? Tom pointed out, however, that in 7 years we’ll have the AMEX money, so that’d help supplement a lower-paying job. This is true. I just don’t want to be poor again! I just want to go “home.” I’m sick of moving around. Fortunately, I definitely don’t see us here till he retires. That’d be a hell of a long time to deal with the winters and to be uninsured. On the other hand, I wouldn’t go to a doctor unless I was desperate. I’d love to get this ear fixed, but I won’t. It’s just too damn expensive. Besides, God didn’t give me this problem just to turn around and fix it. I truly believe that and that we’re given things for a reason and we shouldn’t try to fight it. God wouldn’t have given me this problem if He didn’t want me to have to deal with it. I don’t understand why He’d be so mean to me and why He always wants me to have one problem after another, but that’s just the way it is and if I did get it fixed, he’d just do something else to me for going against Him. It’s not fair that I be punished for what they did in Boston when I was 10 years old and without any say in the matter, and it’s not fair that I be punished for trying to help myself 10 years ago but I am, like it or not.

As much as I hate to admit it, this place does have its good points. There are no gangs and you could walk around in the middle of the night and know you’d be safe. It’s mostly white folks up here and the drinking water doesn’t taste like bleach. The summers are still gorgeous, too. The only thing I don’t like about it is all the religious bigots. All those nice people Tom works with are deceptive. This means that those who helped us move, gave us the dressers and computers, and gave him a raise, would probably turn against him in a heartbeat if they suddenly knew I was bi. It’s no wonder some folks stay in the closet. Me? I’d rather tell the truth and have no friends than tell them what they want to hear just so I could have so-called “friends” because that’s just how I am. I tell it like it is, I don’t kiss ass, and I don’t put on acts to please others.

Yesterday we got another customized T-shirt from Zazzle with a rat on it, plus matching stamps. I’m going to send a self-addressed envelope with Paula’s package with one of the stamps on it and tell her to use it to let me know she got the package. I not only want to know that but to see what they look like canceled out.

Tom only got a $50 Fred Meyer certificate, yet says it still doesn’t mean he won’t get a huge raise or a partnership, but we’ll see. I still think we’ll be poor most of our lives and that something up there just wants to tease us with the possibility of riches to come. That’s why I’m enjoying every minute that we do have money.

He may have to go up to Beaverton for a couple of days with another employee, but it’s not definite yet. I hope he won’t have to. I’d be lonely and I’d miss him. God only knows how I survived 9 years on my own!

The Elektra Barbie and the White Shoulders gift set came yesterday. Love that smell!

He needed new underwear and I needed new socks, so we ordered those from Walmart and I got another cheap fairy Barbie.

I now have to decide whether or not to just accept the fact that OLS is no longer open at night, or switch to Sweepstakes Advantage, even if they don’t have all the features I like. At least they’re a free site and there’s no limit to the number of sweeps you can store in ‘my sweeps.’ The least these assholes at OLS could’ve done was to let people know if they didn’t want to be a 24-hour site anymore. If I was always on days I wouldn’t care that they closed at night, but I’m not always on days. Tom thinks that they got a huge virus and have just been trying to fix things little by little, but still, how much longer is this going to go on?

Damn that OLS! They are really driving me nuts! They waited till 2 AM to go offline this morning rather than 1:00, and I had to wait and hour and a half to finish up with my last 6 pages. Then when I got back it said I had 49 pages of dailies when I really have 33. The pages beyond page 33 were blank, though. I did a backup of ‘My Sweeps’ because in the forums one of the people managing the site said he was sorry if anyone lost anything in ‘My Sweeps’ and that they’d had something that went corrupt on them. Whatever it is, I’m sick of this shit! Totally sick of it. And they’re out again now, too. I sent in my second complaint and said hey, when I became an OLS member I was under the understanding that I’d have full 24-hour access to the site.

I intend to complain each and every night that this happens, but hopefully they’ll get enough complaints about the late-night shut-downs that they’ll quit fucking around with things. I’d hate to have to join some other sweep site.

In better news, I’m going to get those 2 free samples they left out of my order after all. I sent them a message letting them know their scents and service were great and that there was just one small glitch with my order. After I explained it to them, they sent a reply apologizing and said they’d get them right out to me. That’s way cool of them. Bendejo wouldn’t do that when I’d inform him of the scents he’d gyp me out of.

I was reading an article about how husbands change over the years but come to think of it, I see very little change in Tom. He may have a few more gray hairs and his low appetite may’ve dropped to zero, but he’s still the same. If anything he’s greatly improved as far as making false promises and procrastinating goes. Other than that, he’s still the same old Tom. Still mellow overall, still rarely swears, still a slob, and still seems obsessed with being the opposite of me. I don’t know what’s bugged me more in life; those that go out of their way to be different than me, those that try to get me to be just like them as Andy would, or those that try to be like me as Nervous would.

After today he’s on vacation, and if he even thinks of initiating sex, the answer’s no! I’m not going to be his “vacation screw.” He won’t, though, I’m sure of it. We’ve had the bed for over a month now. You don’t wait that long if you truly have the desire to screw, and that’s only half the issue. The other half is that I myself have no desire and so I simply see no need for us to have a few screws every year or two just for old-time’s sake.

Later…

I hope Tom is okay. I was sitting here at the computer when he left for work. A minute later I heard him fall down the icy steps. I got up and saw him kneeling in the walkway. Although he stood up very shakily and slowly, he assured me he was ok and limped off to work. That’s the third time he’s fallen that I know of. He better be more careful before he really hurts himself!

Just when I was about convinced that the package curse was off, we learned that one of the Barbies was shipped to Illinois. When they realized that was a mistake, they pulled one from a warehouse in Washington, so it oughta be here soon. At least it’s only a few days’ delay.

I’m still having loads of fun sampling my new scents. I’ve sampled about 40 so far and have 51 more to go. There are only 6 I can’t stand so far. Who’d have thought hazelnut and honey could smell so bad? Yet their Hazelnut, Nut Medley, Nutmeg, Honey, Hollyberry and a couple of the perfumes are just horrible! They’ve definitely earned a trip to Paula.

From what I’ve read, both Tom and I agree that making my own lotion should be easy. You just add an ounce of oil per pound of lotion bass.

Tom should be home around lunchtime today to begin his holiday vacation. Fortunately, I’ll be up most of the day to receive any packages that may come. Some fucking cock woke me up real early in the evening with its stereo, though I did fall back asleep. I wish I could always be on days! I not only sleep better at night but then I could be awake to receive packages, especially the ones I have to sign for. I could also dodge the late-night OLS outages unless they decide to start fucking things up during the daytime, too. Tom thinks they’re trying to recover from a hard drive failure a little at a time. Yeah, well, I just wish they’d quit doing it on my time!

We still have tons of stuff to look forward to package-wise, both from purchases and wins. It’s so weird yet wonderful! I’m enjoying every minute of it because I know nothing lasts forever.

If someone had told me just a few months ago that at the end of January I’d be able to swipe just about all the outfits I want from the Tonner boutique I never would’ve believed it! It’ll cost around $400, but that month Tom expects to get a lot of overtime.

Today should be a good sign as to whether or not a partnership or a huge salary raise is in the near future just by what type of bonus he gets. He said that although he expects a $50 gift certificate, he says he may get a $100 certificate for being a manager. And I’m hoping for more than that because that’d surely be a good sign!

Unless it’s pure wishful thinking, my vibes say we won’t leave this state till he’s 52. That’s 4 years from now, so if I’m right, then something really good has to happen in order for me to suffer through that many more winters!

I hope to be up this New Year’s Eve. I think part of the reason I may’ve done a lousy job with the year’s predictions last year was that I slept through it while Beverly annoyed Tom with an hour’s worth of music. It’s amazing how shitty the year started off as opposed to how it’s ending! There’s simply no comparison. I was so bummed out at this time last year, so sure we’d be broke forever, knowing we had a long way to go before we could move into a house, etc.

Well, since I am up to date on my sweeps and new sweeps aren’t coming in very fast, I guess I’ll go do something I don’t do too often these days – work on my story.

I am so, so pissed at OLS! I’m sick of their little late-night outages! It used to be they’d shut down for a few minutes, but now they’re down for hours. I sent a complaint before they went down again at 1 AM just like yesterday, explaining that I sometimes sweep late at night and to please stop shutting down. They were down for at least 10 hours yesterday which I know of. Unless something up there is trying to keep me from winning big, they’re fucking around with testing at night or something and it’s getting old!

My latest wins are a book and CD, as well as season 9 of an old series. The thing about it is that this is from the same people who never sent me season 2 of a different series I won, so I don’t expect to receive it. It seems DVDs just aren’t too easy to get.

Tom got the racing jacket and it’s not what I expected it to be. I thought it’d be a leather jacket, but it’s just a red and black windbreaker. It’s nicer than his old tan windbreaker, but who do they think they’re kidding by saying the thing is worth $200? I never heard FedEx knock when they delivered it. I guess I was just too beat after being up for 21 hours.

My ear is driving me nuts on and off, but the best news is that I got my oils! I’m having fun sampling them. Just one small glitch with the order, though it’s nothing compared to Bendejo’s regular fuck-ups. They gypped me out of 2 of the 4 free samples. Ah, but they doubled me on my favorite – Pink Sugar.

Gotta get back to work before OLS goes offline again.

I’m still 123 pounds and I think it’s safe to say that this is as low as I’ll go what with how little I shit when I’m down here. It’s okay. I can get around quite comfortably at this weight as opposed to the 130s, and the main thing is that my curbed appetite will save us a lot of money in the end. I’d have to cut down to around 800 calories to lose more weight and I’m not about to do that.

My latest win is a tooth-whitening spray. These banana yellows could really stand to be turned into pearly whites! I may not smoke, but coffee and tea stains them enough.

Tom got the shirt I custom-designed for him as a surprise. He thinks it’s way cool. Yes, they did do a good job.

Just when I thought the lack of hunger might not be connected to the Claritin after all, I’m back to being how I usually am since I started taking it; not that hungry. I’ve only had about 5 hungry days since starting the stuff 2 weeks ago which isn’t too bad. I’m still 123 pounds, and as is always the case since getting older, my body tries to defend itself against weight loss by not shitting as much, so I don’t expect to lose much more. Just save us money.

Amazingly, it got up to 53º the other day. It hadn’t gotten much above freezing in weeks. We’ve had snow sitting out there for weeks, too. For the first time in weeks, I could sleep with my heater on low and not have it run continuously. Before I had to have it on medium and running all the time.

For the last couple of days, the water was barely lukewarm. Tom went out and found a pipe had burst, so he got a clamp and fixed it. It only costs $2. If it cost $10 or more I’d want to deduct it from the rent since it’s not our water tank.

Sometimes my oil would boil to the point where it would splatter all over the place. I think I figured out why and that’s that if I water it down too much, it becomes thinner since water is thinner than oil. This means it can get hotter and so it boils over.

I started having what may be visions of wherever we’re moving to which I strongly sense will be here in Oregon. That’s something I certainly have mixed emotions about. I may not hate Oregon as much as I used to, but it still gets mighty cold and snowy here, and any place that does that has an automatic spot on my hate list. I see a dark green house with shingles. I can’t tell where it is, how big it is or what’s around it. I do get the feeling it’s not as choked by other yards and driveways, though, so that’s good unless it’s just pure wishful thinking. I’m not sure if it has white or black shutters because the vision kept flickering back and forth between the two, but some of the windows could have cross panes. The numbers 5, 2 & 3 come to mind. The driveway is to the right and there’s a separate structure that may be dark red towards the back left side. I don’t know if it’s a shed, a garage or a barn. I can’t tell if there’s a cellar, but there may be a screened back porch.

It’s funny when I consider that while I may live in a tilted shoebox of a dump in the city, my life is the best it’s ever been.

My palm tree, which now I’m not so sure is going to die, is now taller than me!

I’ve been winning like crazy with Zazzle between 3 different e-mail addresses. They wouldn’t do the shirt I made up for myself with Barbie on it which is strange. I took that picture myself. Even Webshots lets you post Barbie pictures. You can’t do celebrities, though. We got the first sheet of stamps we won, and Tom’s shirt is on its way. I’m going to surprise him with it. He knows it’s coming, but doesn’t know what’s on it. I put Blondie’s picture on front of a light blue shirt and wrote: To My Loving Husband, Love You Always, Jodi. On the back, I put a cute mouse picture. Last night both my email addresses won, so I made stamps and a pink T-shirt for me with a rat close-up. I have ideas for more shirts and stamps if I won again, and at the rate I’m going, I’d say I will for sure!

I still haven’t gotten any lotions, books or DVDs I won, but I got the ugly King Kong poster.

We got tons of stuff on Friday and still have tons more coming. I stood up for 18 hours till UPS came on Friday with a game for his X-box. Tom told me not to worry about it, but I’d have hated to see him have to walk a couple of miles in this cold to pick it up himself at the UPS station. Just 4 hours into my sleep the regular mailman knocked me awake with my pants. The pants are a good fit, but long. Since I’m not great at sewing and can’t seem to make my stitches nearly as tight as I’d like to without it taking forever, we’re ordering hemming glue. Also to arrive were the stamps and the Jewelia doll, though if they knocked, I was too beat to hear it.

This fairy doll is so cute. Instead of her mold being of the typical solid flesh tone, it’s of clear glitter. She has lights in her to make her legs and body light up. I think I’ll get the one in pink, too. This one’s in blue. I have about 5 Barbies currently on my list, 6 Tonners, and lots of other odds and ends, both big and small.

We got the ASL CD. They use animated illustrations and I wouldn’t recommend it for beginners because the animations aren’t great on some of the signs. It’s still cool to have. As an experienced signer, it’ll keep me up to date easily enough. It’s a good refresher CD, you could say, though I find I keep my signs up if I think the signs every now and then to lyrics when I’m listening to music.

I also got my lip glosses and a pen that must be associated somehow with the sweeps or something I signed up for.

The things we’re still expecting are the oils, another Tonner doll (basic Angelina), the White Shoulders gift set, the Elektra Barbie doll, stuff from Zazzle, plus my Yves order. I just hope they didn’t fuck up the oil order, the one I look most forward to!

It has been so cold. Like in the single digits. I hate it! The pipes have been freezing at times and we have a hard time getting the water overly hot because the tank is outside in the utility with no insulation.

Just when I thought I’d be stuck at 39 views forever, I got my 40th view from the little boogers I used to go to school with, though they never request pictures or anything like that. That’s because I don’t think there are any gold members in this thing.

It bothers me that I’m not bothered by my lack of desire to have sex with Tom, but I suppose I should be glad. I mean, what would be the point of desiring someone I couldn’t have? Then again, I could probably have him, but I’d practically have to get down on my knees and beg the guy to do me, and he’d probably only do it only once every year or two, and I wouldn’t want to want someone like that; that didn’t desire me.

I have 9 things on their way to me right now, not counting any wins they may feel like sending me. Two dolls, two pairs of pants, 7 lip glosses, perfume, oils, a CD and Yves.

My ear wasn’t so bad yesterday, but today has been so far, even though I’ve only been up a few hours. I’m sure I’ll have to live with this for a very long time to come, if not forever, but it’s okay. Maybe it’ll keep me from getting other problems and I’ll score more points with whatever’s up there that insists I suffer on a daily basis. At least now I know what it is.

While I’m certainly glad to know what it is, it seems the biggest thing this doctor’s done for me is show me that there really is a way to lose weight without going insane from hunger. Except for yesterday, the Claritin has really suppressed my appetite. Yesterday, though, I woke up murderously hungry and down to 123 pounds. And of course my body thinks it’s starving. Even so, I didn’t go much over 1000 calories yesterday. Today I’m back to how I’ve been most of the time over the last week. Claritin is safe enough for a two-year-old, they say, and can be taken every day forever.

I’ve been using the oil burner when I’m up and burning sticks as I’m falling asleep or waking up with coffee, and I’d say I definitely won’t miss sticks. It can sometimes be a pain in the ass to get the water level adjusted, but it’s way better than sticks. No ashes, no residue, no mess. If anything the oil does a better job of having the smell permeated throughout the place and it lingers longer too, after the candle burns out.

What a wonderful world we live in. Thousands of people, including celebrities, were protesting the lethal injection of a gang-founding murderer, yet no one cared to protest my case. Just why is it that Joan Baez didn’t set up a makeshift platform to sing Swing Low, Sweet Chariot outside Estrella when they threw me in there for half a year over a fictitious letter?

Well, I considered setting up a Ford Motor Company-bashing site for a while there. Some religious bigots wrote them saying they were getting a little too gay-friendly by advertising in gay publications, so Ford quit doing so. Of course, the right thing to do would’ve been to tell the bigots, “It’s none of your business who we’re friendly with, and secondly, we can still be friendly to you while being friendly to others.” However, just as I was seriously contemplating setting up the site, they resumed advertisements in gay publications, so that’s cool. My God, I just don’t get this world! If they absolutely have to hate people that bad, why don’t they hate the groups that actually cause trouble and that are deserving of hatred, discrimination and public humiliation?!?!

What Tom gets for a bonus this year will be a good hint as to whether or not things will go our way. He says they’re going great so far. They just sent out a huge order. If the people are happy with it, they should do more orders, each one bigger than the last. The company could easily become a million-dollar company at the rate he says things are going. He says he’d more than likely get a huge raise which would put him on a salary before he either got a partnership or at least a sales percentage.

I don’t not only hope for this because of how it could secure us in the present but in the future as well, giving us more options as to where we settle down if settling down is ever in our cards. When you’re younger you tend to only think of the present, but when you get older, lose a house, lose a piece of land and end up in motels, you start wanting to secure the future as well as the present.

It may not be economically smart to own a house now, but in a few years, it will be. However, we may be able to save money faster than we could build up equity at the rate we’re going. Perhaps then, if we didn’t get a house on a farm or the beach, we could just hold out till he’s 55 and just go straight to a retirement community. There’s just no way to know for sure yet. All I do know is that I want to get settled someplace quiet and stay there for a decade or more! Yet I’m sure that if I were meant to do that then I wouldn’t have moved around so much and lived in as many noisy places as I have for the last 20 years.

My ear isn’t much better, but I didn’t expect it to be. Tom’s so sure it will get better, but it seems obvious to me that it won’t, and I’ll be damned if I’ll spend hundreds of dollars on that any more than I will with a dentist if I can help it.

The rat is getting fat. I hope she gets fat enough to go in the other cage soon because she’s such a pest in this cage, rattling the door to be let out and entertained when I’m trying to work!

In the midst of my usual daily aches and pains which appear more and more obvious I’ll have to live with forever, I ordered stuff with the visa I won. They were out of one of the dolls I originally planned to get so I got another one, and because she was cheaper, I could load up on a handful of flavored lip glosses.

God’s chosen pain of the moment for me is in my gums sort of near where the lost tooth is that’s now just a discolored stub. What’s He going to do, make us spend a fortune on dentists next by having it get infected? I don’t think so! I’m sick of this shit, really sick of it! Why can’t I have a day in my life without pain? I just don’t understand why He would want me to suffer regularly, but I guess He has His reasons that are somehow good for me.

I want to rent the house next door sooooo bad! If I have to be stuck in the city indefinitely, then it’d sure be the ideal house to do it in. We just may leave a note on the door once we get closer to when our lease is up and make an offer, assuming the place hasn’t sold by then. No one’s put another sign up yet. I know it’s a silly waste of time, though. We may’ve temporarily broken our money curse, but the living-so-close-to-others curse has a ways to go yet, from what I sense. I would so love to have a place where if someone asked what we would consider the highlights of it, the answer wouldn’t have to be, “Our rat that loves to run around the place, and well, the neighbors, of course.” But if this is anywhere in our near future, then I fail to see it. Meanwhile, I’m tired of being wedged in between others even if this place is still a million times quieter than the duplex.

As Tom said, we could probably find a place with land around it for $750, but that would mean licensing the truck.

We also ordered a sign language program on CD-ROM because it was free. All we had to pay was $6 to ship it. It oughta be really cool to see people do the signs. I wish I had learned that way instead of from tricky illustrations in a book.

My ear still bothers me at times, but not as much. The medication still has my appetite stifled quite a bit too, but that’s just fine with me. It’ll save us a lot of money if I eat closer to 1000 calories a day rather than 2000.

Tom still hasn’t initiated sex with me since getting the bed (and I know he never will) and again it brings such mixed emotions to mind. I’m glad he hasn’t because I’ve simply no desire myself, but it still hurts to know I’m not desired.

I have 3 new wins to report. The best one is the $100 shopping spree at selected stores that I won in an instant! In the daytime, too. They call it a virtual visa card. I’ll be getting two Barbies, two pairs of black and orchid fleece pants, and a 4-piece gift set of White Shoulders, one of my favorite perfumes. It contains perfume, cologne, body wash and lotion.

What’s cool about this sweep is that you can keep playing till it expires. Most sites will deem you ineligible for 6 months after a win, but not this one. It’s like the lotion site (I now have won 7 bottles) and this other really cool site. I think I’ll win another visa card as well as hit another win at Zazzle’s.

Zazzle has hourly contests. They mostly have stamps, posters and shirts. Each hour they have 4 items and the winner chooses the one they want. I’ve been entering both Tom and I and his entry won late last night. I chose the custom stamps which are way cool. That’s 20 stamps with the new postage rate. They don’t let you change the design, which is a drawing of figure skaters on this particular sheet, but they let you pick border colors and fonts for adding text. I added our names in a script font and chose a magenta border with a lavender edge. I’ll be up late tonight, so hopefully I’ll win something else, too!

My Esme doll came today. She’s not quite as nice as she looked online, but still very nice nonetheless. Cool hair color, though I don’t know that I’d call her eyes violet. They look more like blue. The last Tyler doll I got doesn’t appear to have green eyes either. They look light brown.

We ordered from Yves as well as made that huge oil order I’ve been looking so forward to, and next Friday I’ll order Angelina, one of Tyler’s newest friends. To think that I had just 3 Tonners for the longest time and now they’ve suddenly tripled is mind-boggling!

They have this cool hourly sweep that’s to go on through the end of the year, and they say you have a better chance of winning at night. However, it’s not an instant. Your chances are better then because most people are sleeping then. They randomly draw names each hour and the winner gets to choose 1 of the 4 prizes, which are usually T-shirts or posters. When Tom’s home, he’s going to enter at times when I’m asleep.

The end of the month may be a big time for sweeps to expire, but the end of the year will be amazing! About 27 of my 40 pages of dailies will expire then. I’ll bet there’ll be well over 200 new sweeps on New Year’s Day.

Got a couple more boring small wins. Ugly stationery and address labels, and a coupon for a free 24-pack of Poland Spring water. The water would’ve been good in Arizona, but the water’s plenty drinkable up here.

A guy came to the house wanting to know if he could buy just the camper shell from the truck. Tom had just gotten in at that moment and so they discussed it. He decided in the end that while he could’ve sold it for $50 - $75, it would detract value from the truck itself, so we’re going to wait. He feels that if I’m right about California not being the next stop, then it’d be worth re-licensing the truck to move us to a better house, though as we both agree, it wouldn’t be good at all to move to California with. We’ll probably just drive a U-Haul down there and buy something when we get there, whenever that time comes. There are still no guarantees that he’ll get a huge raise or a partnership. For all we know, they could close their doors forever tomorrow, and while we’d have enough cash and decent unemployment checks till he found a new job, we could return to being poor and stay that way forever.

My ear is doing better, though it still has its moments of pressure and popping. When this occurs I pinch my nose and blow it open, but I have to do it several times before it stays open.

This rat is getting fat. She likes to eat, that’s for sure! She has so much Blondie in her that it makes me wonder. I can’t believe how clingy and affectionate she is! She hates to be alone. She spends a lot of time out and about. If I don’t see her for a while, I know she fell asleep somewhere, usually in Tom’s closet. When she’s awake, she almost always comes to me when I call her.

I’m down to 124 pounds. That’s what I was when we moved in here. I was getting pretty carried away there for a while and ate myself up to 132. I’m definitely more comfortable where I’m at now. I’ve upped my exercise and dropped my calories. I usually crunch, jog and bounce for variety. I’m not walking as much these days because it’s too damn cold.

I was hungrier today than I have been since I started the medication, but still considerably less hungry than normal. The only negative since I’ve been taking the meds is that I wake up a few hours into my sleep and can’t get back to sleep for an hour or two when I do.

I found what might be the Jessica I knew listed in Agawam. I don’t believe I ever knew her middle name, so I don’t know if it’s the Jessie I used to know, but I sent a letter to her anyway. It was very brief since I don’t know that she’ll get it. I last knew her to be in West Springfield, but that’s close enough to Agawam. A part of me sort of regrets sending the letter. Do I really need another long-distance friend? I don’t even need any local friends! Besides, she doesn’t strike me as the type to do email much less write letters by hand. I also remember her once making a remark about it being a sin to be gay and condemning gays who adopt after she first appeared to be accepting and telling me she was proud that I admitted to liking women. Well, we’ll see if I even hear from her. A part of me hopes I do. She was a good friend to me overall.

Tinkerbell let me work for a while today without bugging me. Sometimes miracles really do happen!

The canal dog’s been going crazy all day and no one will pay any attention to it. It’s just being left to freeze its ass off 24/7, the poor thing. It’s a wonder no one calls the Humane Society. At least it doesn’t take my turning the stereo up full blast to drown it out.

Today I was able to pop my ear by blowing with my nose pinched. I can’t do it all the time, but it’s a start. I still have some popping, but no pressure. I hope the medication continues to help it. I don’t know if there’s a connection or not to the medication, but amazingly I haven’t been hungry all day. I just baked a couple of chicken legs if only to eat them before they went bad, and had a fruit cup. I wish I could be like this every day. I’d save us a ton of money!

I won my 6th bottle of lotion. After nearly a week without wins, I was beginning to wonder what was going on.

I trimmed an inch from my hair. Tom was going to do it on my birthday, but we forgot. I just parted it in two, held it out to the side, and trimmed the ends. Then I let it fall back, reached up behind me, and trimmed the stragglers. I know it’s not perfectly even, but because it’s so curly and I often wear it in a braid, it doesn’t matter. It’s a few inches from the crack of my ass.

The greedy post office is hiking stamps up to 39¢ on January 8th. I’ll just use whatever we don’t use between now and then on postcards.

As we know, sometimes I get sudden vibes or visions. Well, I hope this is a good thing because today it hit me that California’s not the next stop. As much as I miss warm climates, despite how noisy they are, if I’m right, then it has to mean we are sitting on a good sum of money. He says he should know sometime in January, in which case I would start getting vibes now. I just can’t see where we’re going. I don’t even know if we’re moving in March when the lease is up. I don’t see us getting run out by any trouble from neighbors, so that’s good.

I’ve been so busy (oh, it’s so good to have a life!) that I haven’t had time to update yesterday’s appointment. Well, Tom thought it was just a case of it needing to be cleaned and I thought it was infected. It turned out, however, that we were both wrong. The good news is that it’s no big deal, though I don’t know that it’ll be easy enough to cure. It’s a bit complicated, but I’ll try my best to explain it. It’s actually a common problem that anyone can have, even those with normal ears. When he first looked at it he could see right away that it was actually quite clean and was not infected at all. Then, after I described my symptoms of crackling, popping and pressure, a knowing look came over his face and he then looked at it with a microscope and saw the problem. Recognition overtook Tom’s features as soon as the doctor explained what the problem was. There are tiny tubes that run from the back of the ear to the throat and apparently, my tubes are clogged. This may explain why my nose runs a lot. The clogged tubes are creating a vacuum effect and the eardrum is more or less being sucked back against the opening of the tube because the pressure isn’t equalized. The doctor explained that with normal ears, they just insert a tube that pops the eardrum to release the pressure but doesn’t know how much space was left behind the drum when Nielsen created it (I gave him my Boston and Phoenix ear history). He had me blow my nose with me pinching it. Nothing moved.

He recommended we buy some over-the-counter Claritin. I’ll be taking one pill a day. This is a decongestant that’s supposed to be better than Benadryl. It doesn’t make me drowsy like Benadryl does, that’s for sure. He also gave me some samples of the same snot spray I used to take in Arizona. Maybe my quitting the stuff wasn’t such a good idea after all.

He said that if this doesn’t help to come back in February at which time they’ll do CAT scans to see how much space is behind the drum. He doesn’t want to risk cutting the facial nerve and having my face droop forever. This was when we hit upon the subject of insurance and discussed how fucked up Oregon is with that and how they have no HMOs here. He asked what brought me here. Stupidity, I told him. It’s ridiculous how I can’t be insured through Tom without losing $4 an hour, nor can he drop their insurance to buy insurance and insure us both through a private insurance company. Therefore, I’ve decided to just live with it if this medicine doesn’t help, though Tom’s pretty sure it will. He’s had the same problem! When we left the office, pleased to see it only cost $151 and not $200 or more, he said, “You know that thing you laugh at me for?”

That “thing” is where he opens his mouth sort of wide as he swallows. He does this because one of his tubes is smaller than the other and it gets clogged so he does it to pop it open. I’ve tried it, but can’t seem to do it. Tom said he’s had his eardrums burst several times and that it’s not painful.

To wake up today knowing what the problem is and knowing it’s not something that can get worse and worse, was a great feeling. I’m glad I went after all. I hope it gets better, but I’ll live with it if it doesn’t. It seemed to be better today, but that could be because of knowing what it is. Now if only I could get my teeth fixed for just $151. But that’ll take close to a grand and I’m not sure it’s worth it.

The worst part of the day was the weather. It was unbelievably cold! God, it was awful! I’d have preferred it to be 110º! It didn’t even make it up to 20º and there were tons of snow, ice and even fog. It was weird being able to see something clearly right in front of you one minute, then have it be fogged out completely the next. The pine trees are all coated with icy frost that looks like newly fallen snow. Even some of my wind chimes are coated with the shit.

The buses were late because they had to pick that day of all days to string up Christmas decorations downtown. As we were waiting at the stop across the street from the house, we laughed at how our house was the only one on the street with no snow on its roof. Obviously, no one else keeps their place as warm as we do! Tom wouldn’t keep it this warm if he were by himself. It’s me that likes it this way. It was so damn cold last night that I had to prop the portable heater in the bedroom up on a box so it would blow on the bed. I’m at the point now where I don’t know what’s worse, cold places that are quieter, or warm places that are noisy. If he doesn’t get a partnership or a lot more money, we’re going to have a very tough decision to make as far as where we go!

We met the mailman as we were waiting for the bus and he gave us our mail then which was nice of him.

After waiting forever in the waiting room, then waiting forever for the doctor in an examination room, we left the medical building and went to Burger King. There we ran into Eddie and his wife. We didn’t speak to the wife who tended to their order, but Eddie came over and said hello. He let Tom know things fell apart at work that day since he wasn’t there, which will hopefully help the owners see just how valuable Tom is to them!

In order to avoid being stuck on the bus for nearly an hour while it looped around the city much in the screwy way that it did in Norwich, we got off downtown. What’s normally a quick walk from there to the house was so long and so damn cold!

Can you believe they’re just now emailing me to tell me my Disney Barbie has been shipped? Yet I got it days ago. It’s cute. One doll and two outfits for just a $5 shipping charge is not a bad deal.

I haven’t heard from Mary since before I wrote and told her about losing Blondie just over a month ago. If she’s stewing over my not sending Adam the shirt I wouldn’t have sent even if we had it, then tough shit! It’s amazing how someone can be so rude and selfish at the same time they’re compassionate and generous. She asks me for all kinds of things and doesn’t even have the decency to send a letter offering her condolences over losing Blondie and she can’t even acknowledge my birthday. What kind of friend is that?

The kind of rat this Tinkerbell is is a downright pest! I still love her dearly, but she’s so damn needy of attention. She really clings to me and smothers the hell out of Tom, too. Sometimes it gets so bad that I have to put her in the traveling cage in the bedroom just to get my work done.

My Esme doll traveled from Arkansas to Missouri and then left Illinois at 10:00 this morning. There have been no updates since. It wouldn’t surprise me if she came early too, on Friday instead of next Monday. Well, as I’ve learned, I know any package of ours is here if it says it left Roseburg, Oregon at 3-something in the morning.

I got the trivia game. Of course I did. I don’t want it. If Mary doesn’t buy it from me for someone she knows in the form of stamps, then we’ll sell it either on eBay or a tag sale.

I have big shopping plans for the month. This Friday we’re doing that huge oil order, as well as ordering from Yves so I can use my free $20 product voucher. Then I’ll save my money the next Friday and the Friday after that, at which time I’ll order another Tonner doll (basic Angelina with long straight black hair in a hot pink teddy trimmed with black lace), as well as a Barbie I’ve had my eyes on for a while now in a gorgeous gown of magenta and violet.

Meanwhile, on the last Friday of each month, I will put my money in a container to be used for our spring shopping spree at Walmart which we’ll do in the middle of the night to avoid the crowds when the truck is up and running again.

Anyway, after I’ve saved up enough for Walmart, I’ll put money away on the last Friday of each month to save up for Nikita. She’ll be between $250 - $300.

January’s Tonner boutique month for sure! I’ve been dying to dive into that boutique and get some more outfits.

It’s strange but cool to have had 3 Tonners for so long and now they’re about to double!

The canal dog just went off. Can dogs ever do just one or two barks and not go on multi-minute barking sprees every single fucking time they have to bark? God, I hate dogs! And more so, I hate the people who are cruel enough to leave them out 24/7, not to mention who are very rude to their neighbors.

A white car came in next door as I was peeing this afternoon and I heard doors and voices for a minute, then it pulled back out. By then I was in the living room and could see what appeared to be the chick leaving with some other chick.

It’s been a relaxing birthday so far. I’ve heard most women say that their 40th birthday was a rather depressing day for them, but I still feel the same. I may not like my slower metabolism, blurrier vision and drier skin, but I like the wisdom and maturity that comes with age. This birthday sure beats my 30th. My 30th sucked! I was more depressed then because this was back in the days when I wanted a kid. I just never would’ve thought my 40th birthday would take place in Oregon of all places!

Well, it took 40 years to do it, but this was my first birthday I didn’t get any cards other than the e-card from Tom, but that’s okay. He’s all that matters to me. He brought me back some treats from Circle K after he did the laundry, too.

It’s hard to believe I’ll be considered old in 20 years since anything under 29 is considered young, while 30-59 is middle age, and anything over that is old.

My first thought was that the platform was too low once we got it fully assembled and so we discussed the idea of me getting an additional platform with drawers to raise it. However, I realized that’d make it too high and my head would be practically on the shelves, so I decided against it. I’d rather be too low than too high.

It’s funny because when I look at the shit of a plastic shelf that’s in this room holding some of the dolls, I think that I should have better than that at 40 years old, but then I see the bed set up and I know I’m improving little by little. I just hope we don’t ever lose it or end up forced to sell it!

Last night I sewed another dress for the Tonners using the material from the comforter’s matching pillow shams. It was a tough job because the material is so thin, but it came out alright. I made a tube dress.

I had to laugh at the thought of Art and Doe thinking of me today. When I asked them how it felt to have their youngest turn 30 a decade ago, they said it made them feel kind of old. Then I can only imagine what antiques they must feel like with their youngest turning 40!

I’m up to 39 views. I just can’t imagine what idiots could possibly be interested in checking up on me. I know it may sound conceited of me to say this, but I always looked down my nose at most of my classmates. I just thought most of them were little jerks, but I guess most of us are when we’re kids. Still, I always felt superior to them, even if I had the mother from hell and envied some of those whose moms were cool or at least not abusive in any way. They just seemed so silly most of the time and I remember finding myself embarrassed for them and even ashamed of them quite often. Most of their jokes were in bad taste or just so corny. Then again, we were kids, and everything’s hilarious to a kid. Perhaps this is partly why Kate Jackson and 70’s music remained so special for me. I had to deal with stupid kids doing stupid things and a negative, domineering mother who only cared about herself, but I had my records and my Charlie’s Angels scrapbook.

This rat is like a two-year-old. She gets into everything and anything she can. She got on Tom’s desk while he was in here showing me something and walked on his keyboard, fucking up his TV program. He still can’t figure out what she did to mess it up, so he’ll have to reinstall it.

I really hope to hell the doctor can help me end this ear problem tomorrow! I’m so sick of the pressure and popping that I’m ready to swap this problem in for a new one if that’s what it’ll take. And I don’t care that God will be pissed at me for seeking help with it like I know He will be. He will be because He wouldn’t have had me born this way if He didn’t want me to suffer.

I didn’t even get so much as a card (since tomorrow’s Sunday) from either Mary or Paula. Some friends, huh? I know Paula didn’t forget, though, because she mentioned it on the phone. She just shouldn’t say she’s going to send things she knows she’s not going to send. As for Mary, anything could’ve come up with her.

For two reasons, there’s a part of me that’s just a tiny bit surprised the queen didn’t send a card, although it would have to get forwarded here. The first reason is to – in their minds – insult me with a check they know I couldn’t cash. The second would be to make me think they might not have gotten my ‘fuck you’ letter, thus depriving me of the satisfaction of knowing I told them off. I would know better, though. I’m not that dumb. I know they got the letter and that they discussed it with not only the police, but everyone they know that would listen. That’s just what people do. Especially those people.

Although cold and slippery, we went to the Chinese place to get me a seafood and vegetable dish I’ve been wanting to try. The same little girl of around 10 was there, and I thought I had a good memory! She remembered not only that we’d been there before, but she remembered what I ordered and that we had Safeway grocery bags with us. Tom pointed out that she was a lot like me – good with memory and languages, but lousy with numbers. Her parents were trying to teach her how to use the register and she had a hard time with it just like I always did when I had jobs that handled money.

We also went and got 3 medium-sized bamboo plants for $5 and 15 incense sticks for more variety. I’m glad they only cost a buck cuz they all suck except for the Jasmine, though even that’s not that great. It’s like it all smells the same; too smoky. We also got vitamins for the plants. All they need is one drop per month.

Tom worked today and raked in an extra $100, so we’re always glad about that. I just hope the doctor doesn’t cost too much!

Tinkerbell’s been out all morning so far, except for when she gets temporarily punished for being in places I don’t want her to be, such as on Jade’s lap. Right now the pest is asleep behind its cage. Good! I hope it stays that way for more than 5 minutes. She’s a lot of work, I’ll tell you.

Meanwhile, I’ve ordered another Tonner doll! A basic Esme who’s black and done up with violet eyes and sable hair. She’ll come wearing a violet teddy with matching strappy sandals.

Next Friday I’ll be making a $40 Yves order so I can use my voucher for that free $20 item while still qualifying for free shipping and some freebies as well. Even better will be that $150 oil order!

Later…

What a surprise! The platform came today instead of Monday. I thought it was weird that it said it left Roseburg at 3:30 this morning. That’s the very last stop before it hits here a few hours later, then is sent out for delivery. The guy nearly died carrying it in (it was the same guy who brought the headboard) because it was so heavy at 111 pounds.

I put together half of it and understood all of the instructions except for one thing that’s got me stumped, so I’m going to leave the rest to Tom. I just worry that it may be a little low. The platform’s only 10” and the mattress is 6”, but it can’t be as bad as sleeping on the floor. That’s gotten really old over the last year and a half, and I won’t miss it!

Have we been in the mood to do anything? Of course not, and I’m sure we never will.

There’s still a lot of snow out there from when we had that big snowstorm a few days back. I knew this winter would be snowier and colder. Last winter’s highs were usually in the 40s, but this winter they’re in the 30s. Even so, I’m going to brave the cold tomorrow and go to that Asian store for two more small Lucky Bamboo plants for each bedroom. Hopefully, it will help with the partnership as much as I hate this climate!

Then I’ll brave the cold again on Monday to see the ear doctor that I hope to hell can help me. Tom got out a huge chunk of dead skin this morning and we thought that alone would make a big difference, but it hasn’t.

A couple of evenings ago the chick next door knocked on the door wanting to borrow our shovel because her car got stuck at the edge of the driveway, which Tom found amusing. I slept through it all, fortunately, but I hope the bitch isn’t going to come begging for our shovel every time it snows. It’s funny because as rude as she is, she’s the best neighbor we’ve had since we’ve known each other. Still, she can get her own damn shovel!

Got a couple of additional small wins; a DVD and a wedding book.

We got the headboard assembled. It’s so nice to have! Now all I need is the platform on the 5th to complete the whole thing. It’ll be nice to have a normal bed setup once again. I just hope nothing ever forces us to either lose it or sell it. We’ve already agreed that we’re either going to stay here and get rich or bail out of this state in a handful of months. He’ll know at the beginning of the year if there’s a chance for a partnership. If there is, we’ll move to a nicer place when the lease is up in March and I’ll suffer through a few more of these miserable winters that he thinks are so cool. If not, we’ll cut our spending way back and tough this place out till we can save up enough to go to California. I just hope next door stays empty for however long we are here!

I’ll feel better once the lease is up. We may be able to walk out the door anytime we want, but still, I don’t like being told we have to be here till a set time. That’s too jail-like.

I saw that I’m no longer listed as a junior sweeper but as a sweeper. Yet this chick who joined a few months after I did is listed as a senior sweeper. So perhaps the levels don’t have to do with how much time you’ve been a member, but are based on your wins?

I know without a doubt that the iPod people are scammers. I’ve earned all the points needed for an iPod yet they won’t let me have them. The iPod is just a ploy to get people to their sites and I don’t see why anyone hasn’t shut them down yet.

I just got a surprise win. It’s just a CD by some religious singer.