Tom crashed on the living room couch last night as I went to work on my computer in the bedroom. Updating journals, proofreading old journals, studying Italian, completing offers and surveys for points/cash – that sort of thing. Next thing I know the place turns into quite a horror show as a huge centipede whizzes along the wall into the closet and out of sight. I sprayed the shit out of the closet but never did see it again.

Later I tried to convince myself it was ok to turn the lights off and that I need not have the willies. So I turned the lights off and relaxed in the dark for a while. Then I got up, turned the light on, and what should be waiting for me in the corner by my desk? Oh, just a big old cellar spider that’s harmless, but huge. They look like big daddy long-legs, and it’s the biggest spider I’ve seen so far since moving to California. I looked up Northern California spiders to identify it.

I then decided that we absolutely had to bomb and that the reason last summer didn’t seem so bad was that they bombed before we moved in. So I went to check and see what we had for bombs that are under the sink, and what should be waiting for me in there? Mouse number 12! Yeah, it was stuck on a glue board. So much for the bug spray and the rodent poison doing us any good. The mouse may be just a super cute annoyance, but giant centipedes and super-sized daddy-long legs aren’t my things.

I felt a little better when the sun came up, knowing that most of my creepy crawly nightmares are nocturnal, though it was still a little nerve-racking going to sleep knowing the centipede was still hiding in the closet.

Once I got up at 3:30, I decided it would be too many days before I was back on days, so we moved the rat’s cage through the slider and onto the porch at 8:30, then took off for just over an hour.

We walked through the parking lot along a strip of stores just to see what was around. I enjoyed the dry heat and the exercise. Exercising like I have been really makes a difference not just with big tasks, but with regular everyday things like browsing through stores. I can really feel a difference both in my stamina and my joints.

So we grabbed a few things we needed from a grocery store called Bel-Air which is kind of pricey. I’ve wanted to try chocolate-covered blueberries, so I got that, plus some milk chocolate/caramel cookies I shouldn’t have gotten and went down a pound. Yeah, I was shocked, although I haven’t gotten to the cookies yet. Just the chocolate-covered blueberries, which are wonderful, and the chocolate soda I also wanted to try. That was pretty good, too.

Then we got gas, came back here and sat in the car and talked for a while before we aired the place out and came back inside. Along with the rats, of course.

June is going to be my first month with absolutely no wins at all. Wow. Things have really changed, haven’t they? I’ve totally given up on sweeping.

It was 105º out today and the clothes I hung out dried in no time at all. I heard the puppy whining and felt so bad for it (and the other dogs) having to be left out in the heat like this. I swear no one will let their dogs indoors in the West for even 5 minutes!

Not surprisingly, I saw two of the freeloader’s dogs coming down from the hill in back and heading down into the ditch. Tom heard me yell them off and came out to chase off the one who was a little more reluctant to leave. He said he couldn’t swear to it, but the dog looked very skinny like it was malnourished and like the renters may’ve taken off and left them behind. I doubt it, though. I think it’s Sunday, a day they know that no one will answer the complaint line, and I’m sure they’ll be here as long as we are.

Now I hear Brandy or one of the freeloader’s dogs going off. They sound similar, so it’s sometimes hard to tell. I just totally dread the winter! Not only cuz I hate the cold, but cuz I know Tom will be wrong again about it being quiet. I’m sure the barking will be a regular thing once it cools down. I just hope that stepping outside to yell at them to shut up continues to work, and while I’m glad I have some way to quiet them down, it’d still be a pain in the ass to have to do so. Especially when it’s cold and rainy.

I didn’t bother to call Jesse, who was out at the time (figures), as I’m sick and tired of trying to get other people to either tie up or shut up their own damn dogs!

Tom’s probably having the lamest, most boring birthday of his life, the poor guy. He’s now 1095 days too young, LOL. That’s how many days we have until we MIGHT be able to get a place in a senior community, but when our income will definitely jump $2400 a year.

It still saddens – even pisses me off – to have gone from nearly 50K a year and a 2100-square-foot brand new home, to less than 20K and a 500-square-foot trashy old trailer, but if we’re broke at our ages, it was obviously meant to be this way and probably always will be. That is unless his program really does work out the way he thinks it will, or there’s some other surprise along the way that I can’t see now. I’d settle for just 2K a month after taxes. That’s all we really need to be comfortable and have a little leftover for both fun stuff and savings. Why are some of the simplest things so much to ask for? I can see if we were lazy or druggies or alkies. Then I could say we deserve to be where we’re at in life. But in reality, we’re two people trying our hardest to just live a decent life in a reasonably comfortable way.

Ok, enough “poor us” talk and on to biking. I killed 130 calories today, but once again I’m doubtful of getting under 125 pounds. That’s ok, though. I’m not that fat, and this way my ring won’t get any looser.

I thought it might be neat to write a story to help me with my Italian even more than just regular studying. Not a story in Italian, but maybe have a character who only speaks Italian. That way I’d have to look up words and write more, but I doubt I’ll bother. I’m struggling to finish the one I’ve been working on as it is cuz I’ve been so lazy lately when it comes to story-writing.

Got two letters from Mary today and already she’s asking me for things. I was afraid of this, too. She’s going to be staying in a hotel till she can get clearance to leave the state. She’ll be able to receive mail at her lawyer’s office upon her release. She asked for pine-scented incense and makeup. I’m going to send some pomegranate incense since I don’t have pine, and a couple of tubes of lipstick and mascara, but as I reminded her, we’re two people trying to live off of one unemployment check that only comes every other week. I explained to her that it wasn’t that I didn’t care, but that we’re just so broke, probably always will be, and that if we stood the slightest chance of ever getting a house in a few years, we need to save whatever we can. As I also told her, it’s not that I wouldn’t mind giving her things I don’t want or use, but it would help if she covered the shipping. Not this time around, of course, and of course I understand that she’s going to have virtually nothing at first and that it’s going to take time to get on her feet.

She also mentioned getting a cell phone and iPod and needing my help downloading songs, and as I pointed out to her, it’s not easy teaching these kinds of things to someone in print or by phone, so hopefully whoever she’s getting this stuff from can help her. She can still email me with any questions she may have but don’t expect me to do things that’ll cost money or take up too much time. We may be jobless, but we still like to keep busy and do things, and well, as I’ve hinted, Tom is creating a way to make our own income independently. It’s just going to take a few years to amount to much. He’s still hopeful, though, that in just a year he can quit working for whoever he’ll be working for at the time.

Anyway, I’m so happy for Mary! Just so excited for her. It sucks that she’ll have at least 5 years of probation, but I’m just so psyched to see her back in the real world, even though she’s still got a couple of months to go.

Although I went to bed lighter than I did the night before, I awoke a couple of tenths heavier because I’m now falling asleep at dawn. It still totally baffles me as to why I don’t lose as much in my sleep when I sleep during the daytime.

I rode the bike for 40 minutes and burned 150 calories even though it was 85º in here. Yeah, it’s super hot and dry, over 100º! Tom’s riding the bike now as the sun is setting and the temperature is cooling off. It’s good to see him doing an exercise he’s able to stick to. He loves riding. Although my ass still isn’t fully used to the seat, I like how there’s no impact on the joints as there was with running. Less bounce for these big boobies, too! After spending so many years flat as a pancake (ah, I miss those days) who’d have ever thought I’d end up so big? Even a sports bra can only hold them so still, so not having the jarring impact really does help. Especially before periods when they’re sore. Losing 22 pounds may make them smaller, but not much.

Not at all surprisingly, everything on the internet is Michael Jackson this, Michael Jackson that. Meanwhile, Farrah’s already old news. I can’t believe the world is honoring this psychotic nut who molested children as well as put his own kid in danger when he dangled it over a balcony. And that’s just a fraction of the shit he’s been involved in.

I do agree, however, that he was one hell of a singer and dancer. These days everything’s based on looks. I myself could easily outsing a lot of today’s singers, except for a few like Beyonce, Jewel, Rhianna, Christina and Mariah. But Paris, Britney, and a lot of others are barely even so-so.

Woke up to find that I’m back to 125 pounds. Rode the bike for about 25 minutes and burned 110 calories. I think it helps to be able to keep track of the calories I’ve burned as it enables me to gauge my progress better this way as opposed to concentrating on time, speed or distance. I can clearly see that I wasn’t burning nearly as many calories as I thought I was when I was running. I thought I was burning about 200 calories in 20 minutes, but now I see I probably was barely burning 100. I still don’t know if I’ll ever get under 125 pounds, but if doing this is going to keep me fit and from gaining the lost weight back, that’s good enough for me.

Farrah Fawcett has died. How sad. She will be greatly missed!

Ah, but child molester Michael Jackson also died today of cardiac arrest and will never again be able to hurt another child and get away with it simply because he is rich, famous and black. Rot in hell, pervert!

I would love to ride the bike again today, but unfortunately, my ass is so sore from that seat that I have to take it easy today and just do a little running. I literally feel like I’ve been “kicked in the ass!”

I cashed out my points on Kiwi for lotion and lip gloss. I’m just so sick of their shit. I can’t take any more of the rudeness, the unfairness, and the never-ending tech issues. It’s been over a month since I’ve received any game points and it’s getting obvious that Mike’s full of shit in saying he’ll do “something sweet” for those who haven’t gotten their points. I don’t know if I’ll even get the prizes I put in for, but I know I’m not playing slots anymore, even if a BOT had been playing for me.

Finally, some good news to brighten up the seemingly non-existent existence I’ve been having lately! I got a letter from Mary today and she’s due to be released on August 31st!!! Wow, the time has finally come! It must seem so unreal to her in some ways. I thought she was going to Arizona, but she mentioned going to NC where her brother lives, so who knows? She said she can’t wait to go to the beach, listen to music, and smoke a cigarette. Why she would want to start smoking again after so long is beyond me as well as how the hell she’s going to afford it, but it’s her life. I don’t know the details of her probation yet or if there’s even going to be any. There probably will be. That’s usually part of a reduced sentence of any kind.

I’m so happy for her, but at the same time, she’s been locked up so long that she hasn’t got a clue what she’s in for. I don’t think she has any idea, for example, the outrageous costs of smoking and having kids. So if she does go and get knocked up, I hope she can find a way to afford it, and I hope her PO and other agencies don’t hassle her. She may not have abused her kids directly, but no one wants to see anyone even remotely indirectly involved having kids, and I just don’t think she realizes how difficult things are going to be even without kids. So why she would want to go and make things all the harder on herself and on the kid is beyond me. Maybe she won’t, though. Maybe this time around she really will hang onto her life and her freedom, even if having no life is all the poor girl has ever known so far.

But how will she react if she meets a guy she likes and finds him abusive at some point? Will she be too nice and too forgiving? Or will she be smart enough to dump him this time around? Only time will tell, I guess. She certainly does seem to have learned a lot during her 9 years in jail.

In other good news, for just $17, Tom got a trainer that holds my bike stationary. That’s a hell of a deal too, seeing that they go for over $100 on eBay. We agreed to use my bike since I can’t ride his due to our height differences. Plus, mine’s so much prettier anyway. It’s a beautiful bike. I can’t believe it was only $80 and not hundreds. It’s pink and purple, my two favorite colors.

It’s set up next to the rat’s cage. I really hate being cramped in like this. I’m sick of living in tiny old dumps, but it’s been that way since we lost our house in 2004 and probably always will be.

Tom adjusted the seat and put a speedometer on the bike. The speedometer is cool cuz it tells you how fast you’re going, how far, and how many calories you’ve burned according to whatever your weight is. I rode 3 miles and burned 100 calories in about 20 minutes. I didn’t even feel tired after. In fact, it sparked a burst of energy and I went right on to do the dishes and other things. My ass sure hurt, though, till I get used to this seat!

I’d like to burn 200 calories a day so I can eat 1200 a day. I still can’t believe I’d gain on what my body would consider 1000 a day so long as I don’t get too many treats too often.

Speaking of weight, I dropped back down to 126 pounds. I was racking my brains trying to figure out what changed lately that may be the cause of jumping up a few pounds like I did. I wasn’t getting carried away with eating any more than usual, so I just couldn’t figure it out. I thought about it and thought about it and was ready to give up and accept the fact that it was just my time to put the weight back on for some reason, and then something came to mind.

Vitamins.

I started taking children’s chewable vitamins to fight fatigue which I sometimes get (having something tasty beats swallowing pills), but I didn’t see how there could be enough sugar and calories to make a difference. Until I did some research that suggested that vitamins can actually cause weight gain. Something about the way the liver breaks them down, I guess. So I stopped taking them and my weight has gone back down. After about a week of not taking them, I’ll try them again and see what happens. To think that these vitamins, which I usually take but hadn’t for a while to save money, could’ve been my problem all these years is amazing. For 6-7 years I was unable to lose more than 5-10 pounds. I wrote it off to just not wanting to bad enough, but I don’t know. Maybe it was more than a lack of motivation.

Anyway, I don’t think I’ll get below my lowest low of 125 pounds, but maybe I won’t have to gain the weight back after all.

My ear’s been acting up again. Gee, what a surprise, huh? Always gotta have something.

I awoke all through the morning with a series of strange dreams, one in which I seemed to be a ghost haunting my dad in a pranksterish kind of way. I would never be so mean as to scare him like that, but yeah, I was suddenly in their living room and I started making these weird sounds and then I laughed. He was startled, alright. I think he knew it was me, too. But was I really a ghost? Hmmm… I guess I would’ve had to have been in order to suddenly be where I couldn’t have ordinarily been unless I was visiting (in the flesh).

I kind of spied on my mother too, and watched her hang out in a large room somewhere with several others her age. I think they might’ve been playing cards or something.

Then I dreamt that we were back in the Phoenix house. Strangely enough, I’ve had more dreams of being in that house than in any other place we’ve ever lived. We were in the back room which was totally trashed. There were piles and piles of shit we were looking to sell. Three young guys (one might’ve been a girl) were in the room with us buying something at one point, though in real life we wouldn’t have people coming into our place to buy stuff. We’d have a yard sale or take it to a swap meet if we didn’t sell it on eBay. Anyway, the people sort of creeped us out. They seemed like criminals and just made us nervous. Then they gave us cash for whatever it was they bought and left. I asked Tom how much he got from them and he said $500. I said that was awesome and Tom replied with something that didn’t make it seem as cool as I wanted to think it was. Then it hit me that I should go make sure the front door was locked tight. As I did, though, I could see one of the guy’s arms just inside the door which was now open partway. I went to scream, but no sound came out. Then I awoke as I was contemplating slamming the door on his arm, or flinging the door wide open and beating the shit out of him.

In the last dream, I remember, I was standing out on the porch when Tom pulled in and got out of the car. Whiskey ran up to greet him playfully, and as he was running towards Tom, so was one of the renter’s dogs but from the opposite direction. In the dream, this dog was smaller and I was hoping Whiskey would attack it, but instead they began to play together.

I’ve finished reviewing past Italian lessons, so now I’m going to forge ahead with that and get on with new lessons. I still haven’t done any proofreading today, so I’ll get to that at some point, too.

I’m going to spend the rest of the night relaxing and doing fun things at a leisurely pace. Yes, this has been a fun, productive and busy week after all, and I’m so happy for Mary, too!

Tom ordered me two tubes of that Restore toothpaste for $20, including shipping, and tomorrow he’s going to take a bunch of stuff to the dump.

I hope that the next time some sorry asshole gives me a reason to beat the shit out of them I can turn rich, famous and definitely black so I can get away with it! Ah, to be the all-mighty favored blackie society has thrown up on this pedestal I’ll never understand with all the problems they cause in this world and the shit they get away with. But hey, if we punish them, they’ll only riot like spoiled little brats, so I guess we have to think of the potential innocent victims that could be hurt, right? And so we should just let them get away with beating the crap out of people like Chris Brown did. Meanwhile, people like me have to lose half a year of their lives and thousands of dollars over fictitious letters that corrupt cops, who happen to be black themselves and friends with the people who are obsessed with tormenting them, place into evidence after being sure to get their prints on them during interrogation. What a wonderful world we live in, huh?

How many more Chris Browns, Michael Jacksons and OJ Simpsons must there be getting away with all kinds of shit before society puts its foot down on the special treatment of blacks??? It’s not just about them being rich, it’s about their color. Any idiot can see that. How many more people like Nicole Simpson must die? How many more children must be molested? How many more girls like Rhianna must be beaten?

And how many more whites have to be victims of reverse discrimination before affirmative action is finally taken???

Today was hectic but productive. We picked up the mail, grabbed some groceries and then came back around noon. I then cleaned the kitchen, did some laundry, entered sweeps, ran a mile, reviewed some Italian, did some other online work, plus some things I’m probably forgetting to mention, and now I’m updating this journal. After this, I’ll work on my story, then do some proofreading of old journals.

It amuses me to see how naïve and silly I was in my 20s, but who isn’t? Reading back I can see that I was both comfortable and uncomfortable with my sexuality. Sure it would have been easier to be straight since most people are straight. But most guys are assholes compared to most women. It sure seems that way anyway.

Like most young people, I had yet to learn that life isn’t about what we want, but about what’s meant to be. And that while life may not be what we plan it, it can still be full of some pretty neat surprises along the way. Sometimes some of the best things in life really aren’t planned, for I never planned on Tom, that’s for sure!

I think I would have laughed had someone told me of the things I’d learn, experience, achieve and accomplish over the years. Even some of the things I now have in my life that have nothing to do with personal growth or intellect are wonderful things, and it’s those little things in life that make it worth living. Just downloading beautiful desktop pictures every day from Webshots is something I didn’t even have to look forward to 20 years ago.

This doesn’t mean I still don’t have my moments where I think life isn’t worth it at all and find myself wondering what the point of my existence is. It’s like I am a person with no destiny. It may be my choice in the end, but I was never a parent, I was never a career person, I was never any one particular thing. I’m just meant to be a person without any one purpose or without any major purpose. I almost wonder if I weren’t put on this earth just to be a hobbyist who always dreams of the home and security she can never have. Tom is so sure that we will one day have a home of our own (in a few years) and that we won’t always struggle financially, but I totally believe that something up there decided to make sure I never got anything I dreamt of and that when I occasionally did, it would be in a half-assed way. Take California, for example. Many people who grow up in the northeast dream of moving here. I was one of the few to realize that dream. Yet it hasn’t exactly gone as I envisioned it. Being broke and living in cute, but trashy old trailers, as peaceful as this place usually is, wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

Currently, we’re actually doing a little better money-wise. We’re still dirt poor, but not struggling like we were a couple of months ago. We’re now starting to have a little money left over from each check by being careful not to get anything we don’t need.

Ok, enough rambling and onto other things now.

Right now I’m in a shitty mood because I’m gaining my weight back and there doesn’t seem to be a damn thing I can do about it. I can see hitting a plateau and not being able to lose any more weight, but who the hell continues to diet and exercise just to turn around and start putting the weight back on?! I’m almost back in the 130s now. I was psyched to wake up today a pound lower than yesterday, but then after a day of going hungry on just 1000 calories, I was shocked and dismayed to find that I’d jumped up a whole 3 pounds. Finally, I said fuck it! If the scale’s going to climb, I’m going to give it a reason to, and so I had some fried rice, a yogurt and a fruit cup. I’m tired of going hungry just to gain weight. It’d be bad enough going hungry to not lose, but it’s all the more frustrating doing it to gain weight.

It really bums me out to sit here and see the body I worked so hard to get slip away. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Whether I eat or not, it’s as if something’s possessing my body and taking it places I don’t want it to go. I feel like I no longer have any control over it whatsoever. How could I be working this hard just to start gaining it back??? And just how high up the scale am I going to go this time around? Back to 147? Higher? Well, I’ll keep on running and I guess I’ll keep dieting at least somewhat if only to save money, and if I end up gaining it back, then I guess it was meant to be and that my body felt it needed the extra weight back for some reason.

I ran 20 minutes indoors at a faster pace today, but now that I see that type of exercise doesn’t matter, after all, I don’t know what I’m going to do from here on out. I’m just really pissed off right now. I feel like something up there is saying, “Look, I want you to gain your weight back and you ARE GOING TO GAIN IT BACK and there’s NOTHING you can do about it, so quit trying to fight fate, cuz you know you can’t win.”

And to hell with what I want.

So I’ll just enjoy whatever time I have left of my wedding band not being too tight and being able to do things easily enough such as bending over to trim my toenails.

I heard one of the puppies yip earlier. At least I think that’s what I heard. I just hope the 3 of them don’t become a problem! But I have a feeling they will in the fall.

We also heard the freeloader’s dogs down in the ditch but never saw them. It wouldn’t surprise me if they were loose. Especially on a Sunday when their rude owners know no one could call Animal Patrol.

After I came in from my workout, I saw a cat (Jesse’s?) pounce on something in the brush. It apparently caught whatever it was after because I could see something in its mouth when it hopped back out onto the drive.

I’m gaining my weight back and am up 3 pounds from 125. Therefore, I’ve returned to running. Sure it was nice to not have my heart pounding and to not be so sweaty and thirsty after walking, but I don’t think walking jacks my heartbeat up enough to really be effective for me personally. So I went back to what’s worked for me so far. Actually, I sort of mixed the two today. I’d run up and down the lot, then walk up and down it, and rotate back and forth. Because I haven’t been running much lately, though, I burned out after just 13 minutes.

Since the main key to weight loss is taking in fewer calories than we burn, I’m also watching what I eat today. Or better yet, how much I eat. I still don’t think I’ll lose much more weight at this age and with this much muscle, but I don’t want to gain either. I also didn’t have my special Oolong tea for two days which helps tremendously. In fact, I’m going to go make a cup once this entry’s done, which shouldn’t be too long.

My hips were ok today, but my butt muscles were kinda sore for some reason, sort of off to the sides and towards my hips.

It’s been hot and dry in the 90s. I love it that way and being able to leave windows open 24/7. I was laughing my ass off last night when I read that the Klammers are gonna be getting down to 37º tomorrow night! I’d be so pissed if we were still there!

I’m racking up points at Memolink again, hoping to get a $50 Red Lobster GC before I’m half a century old.

Got a nice letter from my dad yesterday. He thanked me for my letters, saying it was good to hear from me. He mentioned the weather there and going to their store on weekends, which is good therapy for them. Their health is the same, and their poodle, who just had his 6th birthday party, loves to tear into his presents and attack the box. He said he’s sorry I can’t be in a better environment and hopes that Tom gets a job soon and that my dream can be answered soon.

I reminded him in the letter I’m sending out today that the environment is okay, it’s just that the trailer is so old, small and dumpy in some ways. I told him I was sorry if I gave the impression we were worse off than we are unless what he really means by a better environment is not having to live with so many bigots. But as I told him, as long as no one messes with me personally or with my husband, we’ll be ok.

I walked for 35 minutes this morning and it was just beautiful. These woods, the various hills, the breathtaking view of the valley below that pokes through the trees every so often, it’s all just so gorgeous. I wish it could be like this every day and that I could keep a schedule! I walked the entire length of the drive just to see what it’d be like. Most of it is easy except for the steepest part down by the main road. But that part is covered in pavement to keep the rain from washing it out, so it’s not too bad. A little tricky going down, but easy enough coming up.

What I don’t get is why my hips hurt. It’s the same hip pain I’d get when walking long-distance in Oregon. Shouldn’t I be in better shape by now? And why don’t they hurt when I run? That’s more rigorous than walking. I hope the pain stops soon, but due to the weather and my schedule rotating, I won’t be able to do this every day anyway. I went out right before 6am when I saw that it was already close to 70º. I could tell that it’s going to be a scorcher today in the 90s. I love it hot and dry like that! It’s just that if I were getting up more toward the afternoon, I’d have to wait till the sun was almost set before I could walk.

Ah, that felt good! I just came in from walking instead of running. How nice it is not to be dying of thirst or to have my heart pounding like it’s going to jump out of my chest or to be as sweaty! But I feel like I had a genuinely challenging workout just the same.

Tom was reading an article online about the fitness benefits of walking versus running. They say that lower-impact exercise for longer periods of time can have more effective and lasting benefits than quicker high-impact exercise like the running I’ve been doing. It supposedly increases your metabolism and kills fat cells better. With quicker bursts of hardcore workouts, the body conditions itself to it and that’s probably part of why I stopped losing weight, along with the fact that I’m not considered overweight anymore for my age.

Since Tom can’t run because of his joints, and because he’s not in good shape right now, he’s only doing a mile a day. His goal is to be up to two miles by his birthday. I wanted to do an hour today as they recommend between 1-2 hours, but I only did 25 minutes because my iPod crapped out on me. I totally forgot to check the battery, so it’s charging right now. I contemplated continuing on without it, but it’s so boring that way. It gets kind of boring after 10-15 minutes even with the music, but I do love how it makes me feel and the calories it burns. An hour should burn about 300 in my case. It just sucks that the weather won’t always be suitable for it and that when the weeds grow back in the back area of the lot, it’ll be hard to walk through there till Jesse bulldozes again. I guess we could go up and down the entire driveway at that time. But there’ll be times when it’s too wet or too hot, and of course my damn schedule is an issue too, so I’ll have to walk when I can. I’m going to take those Melatonin supplements and try to stay on days as long as I can if only because I lose more weight when I sleep at night for some bizarre reason.

Tom’s not walking today to give his muscles a break and because he’s going to be busy running errands for a few hours. It’ll be interesting to see if I get sore from this. I doubt I will because I’m in good shape, yet it is a different form of exercise than my body is used to, so we’ll just have to wait and see. I personally don’t think I’ll lose any more weight/inches. I think my body has settled in at what it’s most comfortable at, even though I say I still could afford to lose 4-5 inches.

We’ve been walking from partway up the hill in back, across the lot, then up the driveway almost to the fork. I think sometime I’ll walk up the driveway and to the main road and just keep on walking for half an hour before turning around and coming back. Scaling the hills isn’t too hard if you’re in shape, but coming down the drive can be a bit tricky because of the gravel as opposed to the dirt of the hill in back, so I have to be careful not to slip.

Now for the good news. The jury convicted the monster of 1st-degree murder! Yay!!! Mary must be rather overcome with emotion. We watched some video clips of her testimony. She looked so frail. Very thin, haggard, fragile and even scared too, not that I can blame her. The monster wore a suit, but she was in a jail jumpsuit.

The only negative thing they really had to say about her was that she didn’t cry when she was shown pictures of her dead baby. She’s probably all cried out to the point that she’s numb, and believe me, she’s cried plenty over the years.

Next comes the sentencing phase, and unfortunately, according to the way Mary’s plea agreement was amended in April, it doesn’t look like she can get out of jail for another year. She got 5 years off her 15-year prison sentence in exchange for her testimony. That means she has to do 10 years. Well, she was first taken into custody in the summer of 2000, so unless there’s something I’m missing, she can’t get out before next summer.

Mary’s always told me I was like the sister she never had. I wish I could’ve been there to support her and cheer her on before testifying. And to hug her when that victorious verdict was finally handed down!

A good thing is that it doesn’t look like she’ll have a lifetime of intense probation, but just 5 years instead of I guess standard probation. I just hope she’s learned from this and that from now on she’ll choose love and life over bad boys and babies. Abuse was all she ever knew, and I don’t think she realized that she didn’t need men or babies to be a human being. Meanwhile, she does still have her son, who’s around 15 or 16 now. I think she would make a great advocate for other women in her shoes.

Kiwibox is down yet again, and while they may be doing a huge, complex job as Tom says, I’m sick of their tech issues! Just so fucking sick of it and some of the rude bitches there as well. For the millionth time, I’m thinking of not bothering with them, but not with nearly 30,000 points and being owed yet another 30,000 points. They’ve been down ever since I got up and are moving their servers now, so who knows how long it’ll be before I can get on? Instead, I’ve got other things I can do like study Italian, work on my story, and do some proofreading.

Not much to say today other than that Mary took the stand yesterday and the jury has already begun deliberations. Wow, that went fast! Nearly a decade of waiting for just these few days. *shakes head* I just hope she’s released soon, even though she’ll never really be “released.” Not with what will probably be a lifetime of intense probation and a never-ending sense of loss and guilt.

I cannot write any details online until the actual sentencing phase begins, so I’m keeping the details here in Word, cuz by the time I update my Blogs again it will be September and the monster should be sentenced. At that time I don’t see why Mary, as I shall keep calling her, would mind if I mentioned it.

So day 4 of the trial is well underway and looking good so far. They’ve selected the jury and they’ve begun bringing state witnesses in to testify to build their case against the sick monster on trial. It’s still unknown if he’ll get life or death, but as twisted as the law can be, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about him getting off. He’s a cold-blooded murderer and that’s obvious.

I’m no longer as worried about Mary ending up in prison, although things are coming out that don’t exactly make her look good, like the fact that Gretchen wasn’t biologically Justin’s kid. But the trial isn’t about how she looks, it’s about how he looks. He’s the one on trial, and it is looking more and more likely that she’ll get the freedom she’s been promised in exchange for her testimony. It’s just that I know you can’t count on anything any cop, lawyer or judge promises you. Even so, I do feel more hopeful that she’ll be let go. Before I had my doubts, and I knew that if her lawyer or anyone else officially involved in the case didn’t think she’d get out, they wouldn’t tell her that for fear of her then refusing to testify.

In another week or so we should know who’s getting what sentences, and then she’ll just have to hold out till the penalty phase runs its course.

Tom’s been walking outside here for exercise until we find the right bike or whatever at the Goodwill store, and at one point yesterday Brandy came up from down in the ditch, then headed uphill to her place. I asked Tom if he thought Jesse was out of town and it was another case of Maryann not wanting to scoop her shit out during the daytime when she’s not locked in the garage with the puppies, and he said no, he thinks Jesse simply trusts his dog more than he should.

Speaking of puppies, if any of them are still here, including the brown one he hoped to have, but probably didn’t, then why haven’t we heard them? Not that I’m complaining. Believe me, the last thing I want to do is have to hear other people’s dogs any more than I already do. Still, it’s just strange that we haven’t heard anything yet.

This is just going to be a quickie to say that our 15th-anniversary dinner at Denny’s was nice. Aside from blasting 50’s music which sucked, his ham and cheese omelet was great and I loved my steak and eggs.

We first went to the Denny’s by the shopping center, and to our surprise, it was closed. There were a couple of vehicles there and the dining area was lit up, but the door was locked. Maybe the cook called in sick or there was a hostage situation, LOL! If there was, I’m glad we didn’t go any earlier. We left the place at 11:00 which is when 3rd shift starts, though, so it was probably a case of a sick cook, though I did wonder if it was a case of the recession and they started to close down during 3rd shift. But then Tom laughed and said, “A Denny’s that closes? You worked at Denny’s. When does it ever close?”

I said, “Yeah, I worked at Denny’s. In nineteen-eighty-fucking-nine, dude!” It was funny the way we goofed off and didn’t have to deal with the heavy daytime traffic.

So we jumped on the highway and went to the one just off of it with the really cool view. Except that being dark and all you couldn’t see much more other than lights way off in the distance heading towards the state capital.

Later…

Lisa’s married now, so I saw on Facebook. Hope she doesn’t have any kids since she’s still only 26. Not exactly 16, but still a bit young, in my opinion, to be giving up your life to motherhood. I’d also worry about just what kind of mother she and her sisters would make with the lovely example they had set for them.

Like I said before, I have nothing against her. She isn’t the one who defended an abusive person over me. It was her mother who wrote to my husband in defense of the man who abused her and her daughter in favor of the sister that she claimed was always there for her and that was only sticking up for her. It was her mother who gave this abuser our address so a very sick and corrupt little piggy could ultimately be hot on my trail, along with his equally sick buddies (our old neighbors who were obsessed with tormenting us), thus landing me in jail for half a year and losing thousands of dollars.

So while Lisa didn’t do anything worse other than typical teenage bullshit, I swore I’d never again let myself be swept up in any kind of family drama again and I meant it! And I especially don’t want a damn thing to do with Larry.

The desire to keep in contact with my folks is different. They literally saved our lives or pretty damn close to it anyway. Therefore, this makes me feel more protective of them, not that there’d be much I could do from across the country if they needed help, and not that I’ve forgiven or forgotten any of the abuse they’ve inflicted upon me in the past or that we’ll ever see each other again. It just means we keep in touch.

I know a lot of people are big on forgiveness, but for me, that’s always been a bust. If I forgive someone, they screw me again. If I don’t, then they never get the chance to screw me again.

The idea of them reading my journal amuses me and it wouldn’t be hard to find. I’m a member of zillions of sites, mostly because of the sweeps/contests, and the link to the my-diary one is on many sites.

Being naturally curious, I looked up my other 3 nieces on both sites and found them but with private profiles that didn’t say much. I like Sarah’s username, I’m the mothafucking princess bitches!

Her status is “in a lot of pain,” while Becky’s is “depressed.” Yeah, I suppose they would be in their cases. Boo!

There are a few males with the same last name as my brother who are friends with Jen, one of whom is listed as living at her house, according to Zabasearch. I’d be willing to bet just about anything that they’re his kids from past affairs. As big bro himself will proudly admit, he was quite a slut and I’d be willing to bet just about anything that Michelle’s one of the mothers. He ended up whoring around with almost every female friend I had back in my early 20s, including Jenny until I got his sorry ass out of my life.

Now once again, on with my sometimes boring but uncomplicated life. smiles with content

There’s this cool countdown site that lets you count down the days until or after a certain event. Currently, my husband is 1110 days, 16 hours, 57 minutes, and 22 seconds too young, LOL! This is how long he’s got to turn 55 so his pension can kick in and we can HOPEFULLY go house-hunting in a retirement community.

There are also 173 days until my birthday.

I make 40K–65K a year, WTF? Yeah, in my dreams! But that’s what my MySpace income was set to till I changed it to the less-than-pleasant truth. So I spruced up both my Facebook and MySpace profiles and added a birthday countdown to my MySpace page. I couldn’t figure out how to get one on Facebook.

Although I checked that I was interested in women and friendship on Facebook, I have no desire to meet anyone in person.

I checked Donna’s MySpace page just out of curiosity. laughs and shakes head I still can’t believe she dumped me for calling her a bitch in 1992, LOL! If she can deem this unforgivable, imagine how she’d categorize getting legally shit on by a pack of freeloaders in the way that I did! She magically aged 3 years in 5 months too, LOL! Yeah, she decided to post her real age. She definitely looks good for 46. Can’t deny that much.

Been listening to AOL radio again even though I have to deal with commercials as they seem to have a better variety. But it’s still nice to be able to download from Napster, even if I’m limited as to how many downloads I can get.

All had been quiet underneath the place till I heard mice entering in front outside the closet. So the poison packs were either a bust, or they haven’t yet killed off all the mice that were living under there, or they’re back from the dead. sighs Oh well, it does say it can take up to 15 days.

Whiskey barked enough yesterday morning to let me know for sure that Jesse was at work and so I didn’t bother sleeping with an earplug. It’s the weekend now, though, which means vroom, vroom, vroom! So I gotta plug up when I crash in a few hours.

I didn’t discipline myself very well throughout my day – or night, I should say – as I didn’t exercise or work on my story. But I did review some Italian and enter sweeps. I’m giving those till August. If I’m still not winning by then, then maybe I’ll take a year or so off.

Tom is kinda pushing his own schedule around so we can go to Denny’s at 4am on our anniversary on the 15th. I look forward to our date! We figure 4am will be late enough to beat the bar crowd, but early enough to escape any screaming, spoiled little brats.

We’ll be married for 15 years, though technically our anniversary isn’t till Monday. I always believed that opposites do not attract, and I still do for the most part. Yet we’re one of the few opposites that are the exception to the rule as we hardly have a thing in common yet get along so incredibly well!

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’m depressed, but I will say this much: So much for California dreamin’. It was nearly two years ago that we moved here to better our lives. Yet here we are, living like bums in a trashy old trailer, dirt poor and collecting unemployment.

It isn’t just our present situation that’s got me down, but the bleak outlook for our future. I know Tom’s got high hopes for us, but I just don’t see his program working out or us ever owning a house ever again. On top of this, nothing excites me anymore. Except for writing and listening to music, all my interests have died or are pretty close to it. I rarely even sing anymore despite the fact that my voice improved tenfold with age and over a decade of not smoking. Some of these lost interests were welcomed as they were things I shouldn’t be doing anyway. I don’t need to be spending thousands of dollars collecting dolls, though this doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be happy to win a shopping spree of whatever kind.

But I haven’t had any desires for sex, I haven’t wanted to play instruments in years, I’ve lost interest in reading, and it just seems like nothing excites me anymore. I feel I used to have a lot more to look forward to a few years ago than I do these days. Sure it’s great that I have a nice MP3 collection and that I like to write and that I enjoy the internet, but I used to have wins to look forward to every few days, and now even that’s gone. Tom said my not winning sweeps is due to the economy and that I’ll eventually win like crazy again, but I think it’s more than just the economy. I think there are just too many damn people entering sweeps these days. The odds of winning a lousy CD or DVD are now what $500 cash used to be. If I can’t even win that much, then how will I ever win thousands of dollars, trips, cruises, and stuff like that again?

I’m also bummed out over the fact that my body just cannot and absolutely will not lose any more weight whether I have 1000 calories a day or 1500 calories. It’s dead-set against losing anymore, so IDK, I guess it needs the extra weight. Then again, most people don’t consider a 43-year-old overweight at 125 pounds, and I know a lot of it is muscle weight. It’s not just in my legs from running, but I do ab crunches every day, and I work my arms, too. Even so, measurements of 38-30-38 are still a bit much for anyone.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just taking up space on this earth and like I’m living, but not really alive, and like I’m destined to dream of a home that can never be ours. When I get this way I try to look on the bright side. There are a lot of lonely people out there, but I’m not one of them. I’m healthy as far as I know, and I have a husband who truly loves and accepts me as I am, unconditionally. And we’re not in the stressful situation we were in last winter. Yeah, it got a little scary there when they first laid him off. I just didn’t know if we were going to make it.

There is no one attached to us and there are no wild welfare bums within arm’s reach of us coming and going with all kinds of chaos day and night.

It’s also been wonderfully quiet and I’ve been loving the fact that we haven’t had to have fans or sound machines blaring just to get any peace in here. I don’t expect it to last, though. I’m sure that when Brandy goes into heat again the barking will start back up, or that by late fall the cooler weather alone will get them going. The problem is mostly Whiskey cuz he’s a male. I hope the puppy he ends up keeping isn’t a male, too! I’m tired of decades of having to listen to OTHER PEOPLE’S dogs!

I think Jesse’s been working locally because we haven’t heard from him the last couple of days, and the dogs have been quiet at night. I thought I heard his truck start up yesterday morning at 5:30, too.

Kiwi’s been down all night so I can’t post there. And Amber can’t spread her “funny” news – awww, too bad.

I almost felt sorry for Emma when I read on LJ that she won’t be posting there or doing anything online as she seems to have gotten really good at pissing people off. My first thought was that she need not go to such extremes, but just grow up instead, quit acting superior to everyone else, and mind her own business. But she DID bring this on herself so it’s hard to stay sorry for long.

Thank God for online journaling. Yeah, the first 19 days of May magically disappeared from Word so I had to copy it from online. I was probably copying/pasting when I accidentally cut instead of pasted.

Good news for Mary. Seems that way so far anyway. Jury selection is now in the process and they think the trial will only take two weeks, which is basally in her hands. The results will greatly hinge upon her testimony. Although the monster isn’t expected to take the stand, they can’t stop him if he does.

I don’t think he’ll get the death penalty cuz most courts fail to do the right thing. I just hope Mary really does get off with time served! She’s gotta watch what she says in jail, though, as it’s getting posted online.

After the trial comes the sentencing phase which will probably take 3-6 months.

Here’s my current “Amber alert.” She’s still on Kiwi. Now why oh why am I not the least bit surprised?

I let Mike know that while I’m not pissed at him directly, I am a little disappointed she hasn’t been banned after all the times she’s caused problems, not just for me, but for others as well. Her disputes with others may be none of my business, but why is it that I feel like this girl is invincible? I was banned after just two incidents with two people. How many more people and problems must there be before she herself is banned? I really think she should go through the same hassles of having to set up a new account just like I did, even though yes, she has been banned in the past. A few times. Probably before she became best buds with Susan, who’s never liked me.

Mike told me to keep an eye on her journal for things she’s not supposed to be mentioning. When I first glanced at it, all I found was her having “funny news she can’t mention, but she’ll k/n those she thinks would want to know.” I knew right away that I was the funny news. Then one of the people she opened her super-sized mouth to confirmed this and told me what the so-called funny news is. Yup. Real funny.

The only thing that bothers me is that once again God’s living up to His protect-Jodi’s-perp rule that He – or something – has had in my cards all my life, and this really bothers me. It makes me feel all the more that He favors others and that I’m not important. When has anyone who’s ever victimized me or wronged me in any way, big or small, ever been made to pay for it? Never! You can rob me, you can rape me, you can beat me, you can kill me, and you’re automatically granted 100% protection from the man above! Amazing, huh?

I’ve been getting lots of notes and emails from people who have had problems with her too, but like I said, when you’re damn good friends with one of Kiwi’s top dogs you can get away with anything and everything. I agree with them that this isn’t just someone who’s rude or mean. This is a genuine loon who isn’t all there.

So she’ll go on picking on whoever she feels is too old or whose views are too different than her own, and the only way to deal with it – or to not deal with it – is to not use Kiwi for a while. But I’m not going to spite myself to diss others, not that she can’t and hasn’t followed me around on other sites.

I’ve checked out cyberbullying laws, and the Megan Meier case is a sad reminder that unless you are physically threatened or receiving sexual notes/emails, there’s nothing we can do, which really sucks. And even then there’s not always much we can do. Most of us get sexually explicit spam at one time or another in our lives, yet it’s perfectly legal. So unless someone bluntly says, “Jodi, I’m gonna come kill you, rape you or beat you up,” there ain’t shit I can do about her if she advances beyond just annoying. And even then, it can’t be just one email. I’d have to get several. But even she’s not dumb enough to do that unless she can send each one from a different ISP. Yeah, crazy, but not stupid.

Okay, enough of this shithead. I’ll be back later with other things.

At this point, I really don’t give a shit about Emma or Mat over on KB, but I really do hope Mike’s going to finally give Amber the boot. That’s basically what his note to me
was saying, but the problem is that Amber’s tight with Susan, who hates me, and if you’re tight with Susan, you can pretty much get away with anything. I know she’d just return under a new account/name, but it would still be nice to see her kicked off anyway. It’d be fair and I think it’s long overdue and that she deserves the hassle. She put me through it, so let her have a taste of her own damn medicine for once I say!

He asked that I not refer to her BS in my journal, saying he’s gotten pretty fed up with her shit too, and has been talking to Susan. Yeah, that’s why I’m writing about it over here in this journal.

Then Amber goes and creates a new journal and writes all about it. I copied the link, plus the text in case she deletes it, and sent it to Mike. I know he’d want to know about it and even asked that I keep an eye on her, so to speak, and let him know when she pulls something. And yeah, she is starting shit there, Mike also said. Wow, that’s brazen. Maybe she wants to get booted. Or maybe she thinks Susan will go on protecting her forever, though even Susan expressed the fact that she was getting fed up too, the last time we talked. Every few months or so this sicko starts shit with someone.

Well, like I said, I doubt she’ll last much longer with this account, and I’m not the only one she’s had problems with. Far from it. The part of her entry that’s going to piss Mike off is the part where he “taught” her to trace ISPs and that they all reported mine. Well, you can’t just “report” an ISP which is in our landlord’s name. Everything here is in his name as he is the owner of this property. And what could they say if they did report it? That I said some things they didn’t want to hear? Sorry, but as long as it’s not threatening or sexual, there’s nothing we can’t say.

Anyway, not much else is going on. Jessie added me as a friend on Facebook. The other Jesse apparently worked today because we never heard the motorcycle. We don’t know if he’s out of town or not.

We got an anniversary card in the mail from my folks today with a $20 bill in it. That was very nice of them. It won’t buy back our pawned stuff or pay the IRS off, but it’ll certainly get us to Denny’s! We’ll go real early on the morning of our anniversary when it’s not so crowded and there won’t be any kids screaming in our ears. I’ll probably get steak and eggs and he’ll probably get a ham and cheese omelet or a burger.

What else… Jesse came down in the truck to get something from his shit pile around 9am, Tom told me. Yeah, that’s why I crank the sound machine up and stick an earplug in my good ear when I’m sleeping in. I figured he’d be down anytime now. I just didn’t know he wouldn’t come to the door.

My body’s gone into attack mode again, LOL, for those of you who have been following my weight-loss journey. I didn’t mean to specifically train my body to rotate between spending a week or two getting a new weight to stick that I hit down at, then a week or two trying to destroy another pound, but I apparently did just that! And now my body’s making a run for the 124-pound marker. Based on the pattern over the last several months, it should hit it within a week, and that’ll make 23 pounds lost – woo-hoo!

Now why did I feel the need to slam on 1600 calories in less than 8 hours? What the hell is going on with me? Why do I have some days where I’m always hungry, and when I do eat to get full, I’m hungry all over again in just a couple hours? No wonder my weight has hit a plateau!

Not much happened today. We heard Jesse leave on the motorcycle, and then some other strange-sounding thing came and went from up there. The shitty thing about the puppies is that we’re going to have all kinds of people coming and going as he sells them off.

I guess that’s it for now. Just gonna review some Italian and maybe work on my story.

And hope that Rosa gets my letter tomorrow!

I’m finally on a roll again with my story – yay!

I had a vibe that one of my parents would die when they’re 83. Well, my mom’s 77 today and my dad turned 78 in April, so 4-5 years if I’m right. I’ve been right as of yet in predicting The Queen will go belly up starting from this August to August of 2011 because she’s still alive according to the obit site. God, I hate that woman! What she did to us in 2004 was no different than watching someone dangling from a cliff, then walking away knowing that you not only could have pulled them up if you cared to but that they might not be able to pull themselves up. Could you do that to your own flesh and blood and their spouse and leave their lives to fate like that? We weren’t in the kind of danger my own folks bailed us out of in 2007, but we still certainly could’ve used some help and I really have to wonder what kind of cold-blooded sicko could leave their son and his wife to either sink or swim like that no matter what the odds were. And as well off as she is financially. But rather than go on and on about past family drama I’ll just move on.

Being the fact that it’s the weekend and I’ve been sleeping in lately, I knew Jesse would make a racket of some kind today and so it’s a good thing I slept with the sound machine on louder. I think he still may’ve woken me up for a second a couple of hours before I actually got up, but I’m not sure. Because of the rain we had, he was bulldozing the drive. When he’s here he lets us know it with some loud engine. When he’s not the dogs let us know it. I hope whatever dog he keeps is NOT a male! They just bark way more often. Yet it didn’t get to the point where I had to quiet them down, so that’s good. I would still like to live somewhere where dogs aren’t left outside 24/7, but I think we would have to leave the West altogether to find a place like that.

I got my feet wet in Chinese, Japanese and Korean and I hate them all! They just sound so goofy like they’re drunk or retarded or something, especially the Chinese and Korean being that they’re tonal languages. I simply can’t bring myself to learn a language that I personally find ugly, and would prefer to stick to languages that use my own lettering system anyway.

So I’m back to the one-at-a-time deal which means I’m concentrating on just the Italian now, though at a slower pace with more reviewing of past lessons to help retain what I’ve learned. I still wouldn’t mind learning Hawaiian someday, but for now, ultimately knowing 6 languages is enough for me between the 3 languages I already know and the 3 I’m learning.

Surprisingly, I got a 98% on my first French lesson. Though already familiar with several words, French pronunciation is definitely the killer of the romance languages! Either way, I’m still surprised I got a higher score than my first Portuguese lesson where I scored a 93%.

Tomorrow’s Chinese day. That’s both exciting and scary, as this is my first non-European language.

We didn’t end up losing power after last night’s thunderstorm which lasted about 15 minutes. It rained hard as hell, like down in the desert. Tom got woken up when the smoke detector started chirping which amazingly failed to wake me up. So he removed the battery. This was around 3am. He said that at that time another storm rolled in. This also amazingly failed to wake me up.

When I got up at 8am to pee it was so cold in here that I didn’t want to get up. So I went back to bed till 11:30. When I got up then it was still only 67º indoors. Yet come 3pm it was 84º in here. Damn, I’m sick of these wild fluctuations! I didn’t come here to be cold at any time of night or day in June of all months! I wish we had a normal home with normal insulation. That would help a lot.

We didn’t run the cooler because it’s going to be even cooler tomorrow. These series of storms have a couple of days to go before they’re over. Then will summer finally be here to stay? I hope so!

The smoke detector wasn’t the only thing to wake Tom up. He eventually fell back asleep and was still asleep when I got up. I was surprised to find the mouse we caught last night still alive. It was one loud mouse too, when I went to remove it by lifting the edges of the glue board it was stuck to from under the sink! It squealed so loud it woke Tom up, but he did need to get our check and groceries, so it turned out ok. He can just crash earlier if he needs to. I didn’t want to, but I smothered the mouse by sticking the whole board inside some plastic grocery bags. Tom got poison that we’re going to put around the outside of the house once the storms blow on through.

We now know that those times we heard squealing under the tub like something was terrorizing one of the millions of mice that live here, were actually coming from under the kitchen sink. The sound echoed and carried down the pipe, making it sound like it was really under the tub. That means that whatever got caught that time I thought a cat was terrorizing it under the tub, eventually got free of the glue board. It is possible depending on how they come in contact with it, though it catches them way more often than the live traps do.

Tom said he thinks Jesse may be out of town because he had to remove a branch from the driveway which didn’t appear to be driven on since the last storm. Yeah, I heard Whiskey give a few scattered barks throughout the day. Nothing too serious. I hope Maryann picks up our trash if he is out of town. And that the rest of the rent will be ok till he can get it tomorrow. It should be. No one drives through here that doesn’t live here and no one else uses that box but us. The regular mail goes to the box way out by the main road.

WTF? I just heard squeaking from an obviously trapped or wounded mouse supposedly under the tub again. But when I checked the new trap under the kitchen sink there was nothing there! Then it sounded like it may’ve been in the part of the pipe that runs along the back wall of the living room. So now I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but we’re definitely going to have to make use of the poison Tom got. I just hope it works. After all, this is Jesse’s place, not ours. So it shouldn’t be our responsibility if there’s any type of serious infestation going on.

And yeah, Jesse’s out of town. I hear Whiskey going off at something in back of the house. I’m just glad he hasn’t gotten carried away and I hope it stays that way, too.

OMG, I found Rosa! And all quite by accident, too. First, of all, if you haven’t read my bio, then you wouldn’t know how we met or who she is. So just to give any newcomers a quick rundown, my husband and I lived in a house next to a house full of welfare bums for a few years in Phoenix. They were black and they hated me in particular not only because I was white and Jewish, but because I complained about them for being so noisy. It was actually Tom who sent the city a letter of complaint while I was the one to mostly complain to their faces, but that’s beside the point. The point is that unbeknownst to me, they had a cop friend who was just as black and just as hateful of Jews. So it was turned into one big old race issue that was really an issue of their behavior. We just wanted them to keep their shit for their ears only. Yet with the help of their pig pal I was set up for sending a threatening letter (piggy got my prints on it during interrogation if it wasn’t sent to them by someone else they pissed off), then tossed in jail for 6 months down in Arizona in late 2000 with a couple of years of probation to follow.

During this time of many hours of lost sleep, many thousands of lost dollars, and a lifetime of mental anguish no therapist or pill could ever fix, one of my 25 cellies was a Mexican girl named Rosa. I was 35 at the time and she was 20. She spoke no English and was in for supposedly killing her baby. Instinct told me right away she was no murderer. You just had to know Rosa to know this. While most people in jail truly are guilty of their crimes and deserve to be there, if not for quite as long as states like Arizona and Texas want them to be, Rosa was different in every way imaginable. I knew it had to have been either an accident or possibly done by someone else. Rosa had such an outgoing personality. She got along with everyone and everyone liked her. The only thing I did find a bit odd was how well she coped with the death of her child. I once even asked her how she could laugh, joke and have such a great sense of humor, and she said that to break down would only make her sick. I guess she felt that losing it would mean there’d be no return to sanity, to reality.

Was she just a very strong and courageous person? Or was she a sick, cold-hearted killer who fooled even those who are normally hard to fool and good with reading people? I’ll never know for sure, but what happened is between her and those involved. I never judged her. I tried not to judge anyone there that wasn’t crazy or a rude, obnoxious asshole in any way.

We were only cellies for two weeks. I gave her my address, knowing I would eventually end up in another dorm for the rest of my sentence, then I never saw her again. I asked one of the officers about her who said she left ad-seg and went to GP. Then I thought someone said she’d left altogether, and I assumed she was automatically deported. Yet all this time she’s been in prison in Perryville, east of Phoenix, heading toward Buckeye! Well, she didn’t actually go in till the summer of 2002, so she was at the jail, Estrella, for a year and a half. She’d have had the child there that she had just learned she was carrying upon first being taken into custody for 2nd-degree murder.

What sucks is that while you can always find records stating the facts, you can’t find any details. I’d love to read some sort of discovery or police report detailing the case and about why and how they think she killed her daughter, but I know that most of what I’d read would be bullshit anyway.

So here’s how I found her. I was actually on Swagbucks doing searches just to try to snag an SB. When you conduct searches, they give you suggestions on other things to search for. Somehow, be it by fate or whatever, I came across a database with info on active, inactive and absconded prisoners throughout the country. So I clicked on Arizona, curious to see who was still in the system, who’d gotten out, etc. I thought of what last names I could remember and referred to my Arizona journal as well. Once again, I am not legally obligated not to use last names since this is all a matter of documented public information, but I’ll skip them anyway.

I first searched for Myra and Hope, both in for child abuse and sexual misconduct with a child, because I knew for a fact from Mary that they’ve still got quite a lot of time to do. Sure enough, Myra’s max end date is on for 2030. Most inmates seem to get out a year in advance. I always hated Myra and knew she was as guilty as ever. I tried to convince Mary of this, but it wasn’t until Myra confessed her guilt to her directly that she finally saw her true colors. That was ok, though. I understood that sometimes you just gotta see things for your own self.

As for Hope, I liked her, but I didn’t. She could be nice, but would often stick her nose in other people’s business. If anything, I mostly liked her because she was good-looking. I usually like tall and dark, but Hope was tall and redheaded. It was obviously dyed, though, as she’s pictured with light brown hair that’s listed as sandy with a max end date of 2041.

I would absolutely kill myself in her case! Even a decade would kill me and I wouldn’t care how many hot babes in uniform there were for my viewing pleasure along the way! Nor about officers who may have a crush on me in return and help make my stay a little comfier as a few of them did in my case back in jail. No amount of fun flirting and eye candy or commissary could make up for the lack of sleep, the cold showers, the inedible food. When I think of these ladies, sickos or not, I realize I ain’t got it so bad after all.

I was surprised to find that Mindy, Myra’s equally guilty, loud, rude and scummy friend, got out a few years ago. She was in for crimes against children, too. I’m glad I never actually had to be cellies with these two, just in the same dorm.

So after looking them up, I decided, what the hell, it may be a long shot, but why not run Rosa’s name? I recognized her right away and was just stunned out of my mind, both shocked and delighted to have finally found her! Seek and you shall not find. I totally believe that. Whenever I’m looking for someone or something it seems I don’t find much. It’s by accident and when I least expect it that I find things.

Some inmates are smiling in their pictures, but not Rosa. She looks very sad and hopeless in her mug, wearing glasses, with a full round face. She’s definitely put on a few as do most inmates. Because she’s a Mexican national, they’ll definitely deport her once she’s released, which could be as late as 2025. Her last movement was in 2004, but I don’t know where she was moved from or why. I don’t understand what all the info means, but most of it’s pretty obvious. Rosa’s custody class is 3/3 while Hope’s is 3/2. I guess it’s a security level or something. I couldn’t find anything on the site to explain it. I also don’t know how regularly the photos are updated, but most of the people I looked up, which is most but not all the people I remember, have definitely aged and put on weight. Most of them look older than they actually are too, not surprisingly. The only one who’s doing ok for her age is Theresa, who’s still in for child crimes. She’s in her mid-50s but looks closer to 40 with no gray hair at all. I don’t think you can dye your hair in prison. Her end date is 2136. Ugh! Why bother living if that’s where you’re going to be for the rest of your life? What could you possibly have to live for with a life sentence like that???

I couldn’t find anything on Kim, Tara, Lora, Deanna, Tina, Carolyn or Tiffany, but I think Tiffany was booked under an alias at the time. I was really surprised I couldn’t find Kim or Tina. I know they’ve done prison time. Once again, could be an alias or me misspelling the names.

Ok, so here’s who’s inactive that I could find.

Jessica did a year for marijuana. She was an ok celly until Kim, who was also with us, kicked her ass as she went to attack her for not “giving her space.” So Jes was moved downstairs, then true to her flaky nature, she was laughing up a storm a while later, saying she was sorry, asking to come back with us as if we had any say in who went where. She’s got a goofy smile on for her mug and she got out in 2007.

Melynda, who was crazy, did almost a year for aggravated assault after absconding for a while, but I think she had absconded before we met at Estrella. She’s been behaving since 2004, from the looks of it.

Ida hasn’t been in prison since a decade before we met, but by now I’d say she’s getting a little too old to be causing much trouble having been born in 1942. She did just over a year for burglary.

Jamie did a year for narcotics and put on a ton of weight. She’s last listed at 250 pounds. That’s about 100 pounds she had to have gained since I last saw her! I never cared for her because she never shut up.

Both the nice Nancy and the mean Nancy did a year. I guess that’s the average sentence. But the nice Nancy who was a good listener when I’d bitch about whatever was in for child-related crimes, so how she managed to get out so soon is beyond me. Nancy the bully was in for assault and drugs.

I recognized most of the people I looked up to, but not Marian. She looks different. She did 5 years for drugs and prostitution.

Ruby, who was nice but not always considerate the same as Marian, did a year for drugs.

Misha, another one I thought went home not long after I did, didn’t get out until 2006 after doing 5 years on drug charges. I hope she still had time to have the kids she wanted to have. Misha was a great celly.

Now for the active ones who are currently doing time.

Madeline, who I’d describe as dumb and weird, went in for drugs last year and won’t get out till 2013.

Marilyn, who was one of my top 3 favorite cellies, is now in for burglary. She went in March of last year and was supposed to get out in April, but she’s not listed as released yet. She looks horrible, the poor girl, and super old. She’s not much older than Tom, though. Marilyn cracked me up. I loved how she’d get such a kick out of my jokes and such. It’s sad that such a nice person had to succumb to drugs and hooking. When we met she was finishing up a 6-month sentence after having only been out for a month after doing the same amount of time. I remember how she’d say she was scared to go back out in the real world because she was afraid she couldn’t stay clean. I guess her fears were justified, unfortunately, and she probably stole shit to buy drugs with.

So anyway, Rosa was an awesome celly for anyone to have that had to be in jail. We were like sisters and didn’t mind the 15-year age difference. I know that it’s important to most people to hang with people their own age, as many Kiwiers have bluntly reminded me of, but I’ve always welcomed good friends, young, old or somewhere in between. So what if you’re younger as I was once young myself? So what if you’re older as I’m going to be older someday myself? Age is really just a number to me, though I would certainly not have friends who were minors.

Rosa and I helped keep each other’s spirits up and we’d pass the time listening to music. She helped me improve my Spanish since she spoke no English, and she, like other cellies, didn’t mind that I had a crush on a couple of the female officers.

All these years I figured she was back in Mexico and hopefully living happily with her husband and whatever kids they had. I don’t know much about her. I never really thought to ask much since we had other more pressing issues on our minds. I don’t know how long she’d been in the country before she was arrested.

How sad it is to think she won’t get out till she’s older than me and the kid she had will be around 25 when she does. I wonder if anyone visits her. I hope so. I wonder whatever became of her husband. Is he waiting for her if he’s not in prison as well? Or did he divorce her?

I do remember her returning in tears once from a legal visit, saying that her lawyer said she could be looking at doing many years. She must’ve been a wreck come sentencing. I can’t imagine doing all of my 20s, then all of my 30s, then half of my 40s in prison!

So all I can do is hope she gets my letter and that she remembers me and that she writes back. Yes, I’m sending out a letter tomorrow. In Spanish, of course. I hope the address is correct, though there’s no doubt about her inmate number because it was right under her picture.

Alison read what I’ve got so far on Rainbow Dreams that I hadn’t planned to finish (at least not for a while), and said that if that’s really my writing without any editing, she’s jealous. That’s quite a compliment, though she did find a slight discrepancy I’ll have to check out if I do carry on with it.

Damn this entry’s long! I’m gonna proofread it now and then get on with my first Portuguese lesson. If I’ve forgotten something, I’ll put it in tomorrow’s entry.

Later…

Why are we getting all this rain in June of all months? So that the weeds Tom and Jesse killed can return faster? There’s even some thunder and lightning. It’s coming down so hard you’d think we were back in Arizona! I’m glad we haven’t lost power yet and that I wasn’t asleep.

Woo-hoo New Hampshire! Wish I could’ve been there just long enough for that historical and victorious moment when the 6th state allowed for equality. I get a kick out of seeing everyone hug everyone. Doesn’t matter who you are or if you’re a total stranger, everyone gets a hug, LOL! Of course I’d have had to be mean and laugh at the bigots too, for losing and rub it in good. Then I’d magically disappear and be back in my nice comfortable chair to write all about it. Their victory sort of helps balance out California’s decision to keep discrimination legal.

Just took my first Portuguese lesson and got a 93%. It should be easy enough being so closely related to Spanish and Italian, but the sound quality they’ve got going for this course is horrible! Sometimes it’s too loud, sometimes too soft, sometimes too fast.

Caught yet another mouse under the kitchen sink. We both agree that woods or not, this is getting to be a bit overkill as far as all these mice go, so as cute as they are Tom’s going to have to get some kind of poison.

OMG, the rain’s so loud I can barely hear my own voice! I better hurry up and post this before we do lose power if that’s what’s gonna happen.