I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’m depressed, but I will say this much: So much for California dreamin’. It was nearly two years ago that we moved here to better our lives. Yet here we are, living like bums in a trashy old trailer, dirt poor and collecting unemployment.

It isn’t just our present situation that’s got me down, but the bleak outlook for our future. I know Tom’s got high hopes for us, but I just don’t see his program working out or us ever owning a house ever again. On top of this, nothing excites me anymore. Except for writing and listening to music, all my interests have died or are pretty close to it. I rarely even sing anymore despite the fact that my voice improved tenfold with age and over a decade of not smoking. Some of these lost interests were welcomed as they were things I shouldn’t be doing anyway. I don’t need to be spending thousands of dollars collecting dolls, though this doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be happy to win a shopping spree of whatever kind.

But I haven’t had any desires for sex, I haven’t wanted to play instruments in years, I’ve lost interest in reading, and it just seems like nothing excites me anymore. I feel I used to have a lot more to look forward to a few years ago than I do these days. Sure it’s great that I have a nice MP3 collection and that I like to write and that I enjoy the internet, but I used to have wins to look forward to every few days, and now even that’s gone. Tom said my not winning sweeps is due to the economy and that I’ll eventually win like crazy again, but I think it’s more than just the economy. I think there are just too many damn people entering sweeps these days. The odds of winning a lousy CD or DVD are now what $500 cash used to be. If I can’t even win that much, then how will I ever win thousands of dollars, trips, cruises, and stuff like that again?

I’m also bummed out over the fact that my body just cannot and absolutely will not lose any more weight whether I have 1000 calories a day or 1500 calories. It’s dead-set against losing anymore, so IDK, I guess it needs the extra weight. Then again, most people don’t consider a 43-year-old overweight at 125 pounds, and I know a lot of it is muscle weight. It’s not just in my legs from running, but I do ab crunches every day, and I work my arms, too. Even so, measurements of 38-30-38 are still a bit much for anyone.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just taking up space on this earth and like I’m living, but not really alive, and like I’m destined to dream of a home that can never be ours. When I get this way I try to look on the bright side. There are a lot of lonely people out there, but I’m not one of them. I’m healthy as far as I know, and I have a husband who truly loves and accepts me as I am, unconditionally. And we’re not in the stressful situation we were in last winter. Yeah, it got a little scary there when they first laid him off. I just didn’t know if we were going to make it.

There is no one attached to us and there are no wild welfare bums within arm’s reach of us coming and going with all kinds of chaos day and night.

It’s also been wonderfully quiet and I’ve been loving the fact that we haven’t had to have fans or sound machines blaring just to get any peace in here. I don’t expect it to last, though. I’m sure that when Brandy goes into heat again the barking will start back up, or that by late fall the cooler weather alone will get them going. The problem is mostly Whiskey cuz he’s a male. I hope the puppy he ends up keeping isn’t a male, too! I’m tired of decades of having to listen to OTHER PEOPLE’S dogs!

I think Jesse’s been working locally because we haven’t heard from him the last couple of days, and the dogs have been quiet at night. I thought I heard his truck start up yesterday morning at 5:30, too.