Right now I’m in a shitty mood because I’m gaining my weight back and there doesn’t seem to be a damn thing I can do about it. I can see hitting a plateau and not being able to lose any more weight, but who the hell continues to diet and exercise just to turn around and start putting the weight back on?! I’m almost back in the 130s now. I was psyched to wake up today a pound lower than yesterday, but then after a day of going hungry on just 1000 calories, I was shocked and dismayed to find that I’d jumped up a whole 3 pounds. Finally, I said fuck it! If the scale’s going to climb, I’m going to give it a reason to, and so I had some fried rice, a yogurt and a fruit cup. I’m tired of going hungry just to gain weight. It’d be bad enough going hungry to not lose, but it’s all the more frustrating doing it to gain weight.

It really bums me out to sit here and see the body I worked so hard to get slip away. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Whether I eat or not, it’s as if something’s possessing my body and taking it places I don’t want it to go. I feel like I no longer have any control over it whatsoever. How could I be working this hard just to start gaining it back??? And just how high up the scale am I going to go this time around? Back to 147? Higher? Well, I’ll keep on running and I guess I’ll keep dieting at least somewhat if only to save money, and if I end up gaining it back, then I guess it was meant to be and that my body felt it needed the extra weight back for some reason.

I ran 20 minutes indoors at a faster pace today, but now that I see that type of exercise doesn’t matter, after all, I don’t know what I’m going to do from here on out. I’m just really pissed off right now. I feel like something up there is saying, “Look, I want you to gain your weight back and you ARE GOING TO GAIN IT BACK and there’s NOTHING you can do about it, so quit trying to fight fate, cuz you know you can’t win.”

And to hell with what I want.

So I’ll just enjoy whatever time I have left of my wedding band not being too tight and being able to do things easily enough such as bending over to trim my toenails.

I heard one of the puppies yip earlier. At least I think that’s what I heard. I just hope the 3 of them don’t become a problem! But I have a feeling they will in the fall.

We also heard the freeloader’s dogs down in the ditch but never saw them. It wouldn’t surprise me if they were loose. Especially on a Sunday when their rude owners know no one could call Animal Patrol.