I hope that the next time some sorry asshole gives me a reason to beat the shit out of them I can turn rich, famous and definitely black so I can get away with it! Ah, to be the all-mighty favored blackie society has thrown up on this pedestal I’ll never understand with all the problems they cause in this world and the shit they get away with. But hey, if we punish them, they’ll only riot like spoiled little brats, so I guess we have to think of the potential innocent victims that could be hurt, right? And so we should just let them get away with beating the crap out of people like Chris Brown did. Meanwhile, people like me have to lose half a year of their lives and thousands of dollars over fictitious letters that corrupt cops, who happen to be black themselves and friends with the people who are obsessed with tormenting them, place into evidence after being sure to get their prints on them during interrogation. What a wonderful world we live in, huh?

How many more Chris Browns, Michael Jacksons and OJ Simpsons must there be getting away with all kinds of shit before society puts its foot down on the special treatment of blacks??? It’s not just about them being rich, it’s about their color. Any idiot can see that. How many more people like Nicole Simpson must die? How many more children must be molested? How many more girls like Rhianna must be beaten?

And how many more whites have to be victims of reverse discrimination before affirmative action is finally taken???

Today was hectic but productive. We picked up the mail, grabbed some groceries and then came back around noon. I then cleaned the kitchen, did some laundry, entered sweeps, ran a mile, reviewed some Italian, did some other online work, plus some things I’m probably forgetting to mention, and now I’m updating this journal. After this, I’ll work on my story, then do some proofreading of old journals.

It amuses me to see how naïve and silly I was in my 20s, but who isn’t? Reading back I can see that I was both comfortable and uncomfortable with my sexuality. Sure it would have been easier to be straight since most people are straight. But most guys are assholes compared to most women. It sure seems that way anyway.

Like most young people, I had yet to learn that life isn’t about what we want, but about what’s meant to be. And that while life may not be what we plan it, it can still be full of some pretty neat surprises along the way. Sometimes some of the best things in life really aren’t planned, for I never planned on Tom, that’s for sure!

I think I would have laughed had someone told me of the things I’d learn, experience, achieve and accomplish over the years. Even some of the things I now have in my life that have nothing to do with personal growth or intellect are wonderful things, and it’s those little things in life that make it worth living. Just downloading beautiful desktop pictures every day from Webshots is something I didn’t even have to look forward to 20 years ago.

This doesn’t mean I still don’t have my moments where I think life isn’t worth it at all and find myself wondering what the point of my existence is. It’s like I am a person with no destiny. It may be my choice in the end, but I was never a parent, I was never a career person, I was never any one particular thing. I’m just meant to be a person without any one purpose or without any major purpose. I almost wonder if I weren’t put on this earth just to be a hobbyist who always dreams of the home and security she can never have. Tom is so sure that we will one day have a home of our own (in a few years) and that we won’t always struggle financially, but I totally believe that something up there decided to make sure I never got anything I dreamt of and that when I occasionally did, it would be in a half-assed way. Take California, for example. Many people who grow up in the northeast dream of moving here. I was one of the few to realize that dream. Yet it hasn’t exactly gone as I envisioned it. Being broke and living in cute, but trashy old trailers, as peaceful as this place usually is, wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

Currently, we’re actually doing a little better money-wise. We’re still dirt poor, but not struggling like we were a couple of months ago. We’re now starting to have a little money left over from each check by being careful not to get anything we don’t need.

Ok, enough rambling and onto other things now.