Having another tired day for a couple of reasons. One is that I just kept waking up and the other is my own dumb fault for turning off the sound machine when I thought I was getting up but wasn’t. Toni or someone around here must have been doing something because a bang woke me up. Tom heard it too but wasn’t sure where it was coming from. I’m guessing Toni was doing something in her carport or maybe even going into her storeroom. These houses are so damn close. Like closer than any other house I’ve ever lived in before.

Ended up taking a nap and that helped perk me up a bit. Not going to be doing much tonight other than writing and hitting the road. Maybe I’ll even hit the vibration platform and paint or draw a bit. The platform is not going to reshape this big old body if I don’t do it enough. Love the way it pulls my waist in and makes my clothes fit better.

I’m still not sure I believe I’ll be able to handle this dose but I do have a couple of symptoms that I’m surprised to be noticing as much being under 10. For one I’m still pretty cold, and secondly, the scale is the biggest telltale sign. I’m still up a pound or two. That may simply be an age thing, though. Women gain weight in increments until they’re around 65. So, 7 more years of gaining if I’m really unlucky. I’m still going to try to back off the sweets as much as I can. Even if it doesn’t cause me to lose weight it would make it harder to gain more. I still don’t think I could ever stand to diet because even if I could get results, it still means going hungry for way too long. But yeah, I don’t feel like this dose is going to push my TSH too low. I still feel good physically and emotionally like I’m nowhere near the standard normal range. At least so far.

Watching a documentary called Audrie and Daisy on Netflix and damn! To know that some forms of sexual misconduct are considered a misdemeanor while what you write can be a felony depending on the color of the people involved is pretty damn despicable.

Ugh, the bitch’s obnoxious boyfriend just roared out of here for the night after sitting there running and gunning the fucking motorcycle for a few minutes. I keep hoping someone will complain or they’ll break up, but people that age don’t usually break up. The bastard is here nearly every day that I’m surprised he doesn’t just move in.

And now for my shocking, wonderful, and somewhat concerning news. My TSH is 8.97! It shocked the shit out of me when I saw that. I really thought I was looking at the wrong results from a different date and had to go out and then back into where I was checking to make sure it was correct. Just then I got a message from a Galileo nurse confirming I really was an 8. My T4 is 1.3. I had no idea my TSH could drop that fast in just 3 weeks. That’s 8 points! This explains the increase in energy I’ve had lately.

So I’m surprised and I’m pleased but a little worried as it’s only been a couple of weeks since I stepped up to all 88s and it hasn’t fully accumulated in my body. I worry my TSH is going to end up being pushed too low. Like below 6 which seems to be my threshold. I told the doctors I thought maybe I should go back to taking 75 twice a week or at least once a week but they insisted I stick with all 88s and will check in with me in a week and revisit the idea of dose changes then if necessary. I agreed but I still don’t think I can handle this dose. It’s just a question of how many weeks it will take before the side effects get me. It’s going to take another 4 to 6 weeks for this dose to fully accumulate in my system.

Regardless, I’m glad my body finally got the hang of how to absorb the stuff without a gallbladder! I still think it had to do with that more than inconsistent dosing because again, that would be a hell of an inconsistency! I’ve never had that problem before where I increased my dose, however slight it may have been, just to have my TSH keep rising. For now, I’m just hoping to hell that no matter where the numbers end up, I don’t end up feeling like I’m on fire with an HR through the roof and my ass constantly on the toilet. I’m definitely waiting only a half hour instead of an hour before coffee! The endo said that would be fine, anyway. I’m glad I still have 75s left over in case I’m right and trouble inevitably erupts.

I messaged my endo through the portal which will take a few days to get a reply from, of course, and let her know I decided to pass on the Synthroid, the pharmacy she recommended doesn’t allow insurance, and that my TSH came down.

Galileo thinks I should still keep my appointment with her but said that if I didn’t feel comfortable with her, they could recommend someone else. I’m not sure that anyone else would necessarily be better so I’ll stick with this one for now. It will be interesting to see if she still insists on taking the Synthroid.

Got some flavored K-Cups today and next I’m waiting on a set of a dozen neon-colored metallic nail polishes. It’s the same set I had in California. Great colors, great quality.

We also got a new paper cutter which I wish we had every time I go to frame a diamond painting, among other things. This one should be easier to store and use because it’s not as big.

The only bad news I have today is that the fucking garbage truck woke me up. Yeah, they came in with the one that’s jet engine loud. Every time they do, I fear it’s going to become the norm. I do NOT want to go back to being woken up on trash days just like old times, and here it’s twice a week rather than once a week. So, because of it, I’m kind of tired tonight and not quite up to doing all I had planned to do. I wanted to do some more painting but I just don’t have the energy and I don’t think I’m going to get many miles on the road either. I’m between Saltillo and Monterey, Mexico right now. 2667 miles to go! I reckon the next challenge will be out soon so I’ll take a break from my trip to do that when it comes out. My rank is now in the 140s.

I was quite stunned to learn that I slept through the loud mower the other day. So yeah, the “doghouse” was more or less a training thing to get me used to sleeping here and soon I should hopefully not need it. I don't want to take it down until after the honker returns and I sleep through his motorcycle and see if Ray stays quiet. The mower right outside the window is definitely louder than the motorcycle across the street so there's hope. There's no way I'm taking the soundproofing out of the windows, though, even if it means giving up having natural light in there in the daytime.

Went to the lab and totally regret requesting to go there because as soon as I messaged them yesterday the symptoms stopped. I should have given it a little more time because whenever it's connected to my TSH getting too low, the symptoms don't stop until I scale back the meds. I should have also had common sense to know that my TSH couldn't drop that fast. I'm sure by now I'm close to 20. :-(

Tom and I talked about it and we don't think Synthroid would make a difference and we both agree it's connected to the loss of my gallbladder. My gut feeling says so, the timing can't be a coincidence, and if it was a matter of inconsistent dosing, my numbers wouldn't be so extreme. The numbers may fluctuate a few points but they wouldn't keep going up and up and up so drastically, too. You're talking about going from 7 to almost 20.

The question is whether or not increasing my dose is the answer or if it'll work itself out on its own. We decided to wait and see what the numbers are and then decide where to go from there as far as what to do and what to take. I'm keeping the appointment with the endo for now but may cancel later on. I just don't know if I like or trust this doctor.

It was also ridiculous how I was the first appointment after lunch as even her nurse said, yet I had to wait over half an hour for her. After about 35-40 minutes of waiting, the nurse came in to ask how we were doing and I said that the wait was frustrating since it was right after lunch, and she said she would remind the doctor again that I was waiting. Well, I hate to say it but I kind of question any doctor that has to be reminded that she has a patient waiting for her.

I'm not going to do much with the treadmill and Bowflex at this time due to the weather but I'm going to do the vibe platform most days of the week, which is indoors where it's cool and dry.

I think I'll move out of my closet now and into the kitchen, even if it means listening to planes until midnight. I don't understand for the life of me why I can't get used to the damn things after nearly a decade of living with them. Why is it so damn annoying to me, even though it's not that loud and it's not the type of sound most people hate, like nails on a chalkboard?

Okay, time to write about my visit with the endo yesterday, and I can’t say I was too impressed with her even though she did acknowledge that my personal normal could be higher than the standard range and that yes, the medication can cause anxiety.

She said she didn’t think the cholecystectomy was involved and that she thought it was a matter of inconsistent dosing because Levothyroxine is an off-brand despite the fact that medication sold in the US must be regulated. In other words, if I was getting blanks or at least partial blanks, you would think they would have picked up on that. But she said that with the off-brand, you never know how consistent it is or what country it was made in, etc.

Then she told us to contact a pharmacy (all the way in Lakeland) to get Synthroid which is the name brand and that they would work with our insurance company. However, when we went to the site, we found that Synthroid is the only thing they sold and they wouldn’t have anything to do with insurance. You had to pay out of pocket only. While we certainly can’t say anything for sure, it made us wonder if she was possibly getting kickbacks. Especially since we found we could get the stuff from Walgreens and pick it up in person for a little less.

She told me that taking a more consistent medication couldn’t crash my TSH down too low and tried to convince me - perhaps a little too adamantly - that we’re only talking about going from 15 to about 10. I asked my doctors for their opinion as to whether or not it could drop my TSH too low and they said there was no way to know but should be good all around. They also offered to test me sooner than 3 months from now if I wanted. The endo gave me an order to get tested in 3 months and I’ll see her again at the end of January unless I decide not to.

The endo also told me, when I asked to confirm that the fatty tumor on the end of my adrenal gland couldn’t be a problem, that an ultrasound couldn’t see that.

Then I did a little research and found that Synthroid shouldn’t be any better than Levothyroxine, Levoxil, and the other off-brands. They’re all supposed to be the same except that Synthroid doesn’t have any fillers, and I’m not allergic to fillers anyway. But I found that they should all work the same and effectively.

For the last few days, I’ve had the runs and didn’t think much of it. But then yesterday, I noticed that I’ve been feeling warm and my HR is on the rise, sometimes spiking to 120. I appreciate the pound I lost and the extra energy I’ve had these last few days but here’s what I think has been going on. I think the cholecystectomy did indeed affect thyroid absorption because as the GI doc said, it can take the body 4-6 months to adjust to life with no gallbladder. The timing is just too much of a coincidence. I think that now, however, it’s getting the hang of how to absorb the Levothyroxine without the gallbladder in the picture. Despite being a progressive disease, I can’t believe my thyroid would die off that much that fast.

So I’d like to get into the lab ASAP to see where I’m at. Again, I get that I don’t have the doctor’s training, but I have lived in this body for nearly 58 years and I know what’s normal for it and what’s not. I’m also not sure I want to switch to Synthroid or deal with this doctor. I just don’t trust in-person doctors as much as I trust my virtual docs, granted I understand that some things can’t be virtual like HIDA scans, etc. But I think my docs and I can manage this together. She told me if I had a problem to call the office and wait two business days to hear back from her but when you’re really feeling that bad, you don’t want to wait! The last time I took 88 every day when I still had a gallbladder, it dropped my TSH to a 2 which is much too low for me and I want to know if I’m heading back in that direction again, based on my symptoms. So that’s why I asked to take up their offer to go to the lab.

The nurse, who was the only one from here (receptionist sounded English and the doc was Indian), tested my blood sugar at 101 which was pretty good after eating.

Instead of “strangling” me to feel the thyroid, this one pinched my neck in 3 different places along the front and it didn’t tickle. I asked her if she felt I needed an ultrasound, and she said no, even though it’s been 9 years. So with all the doctors that have felt it over the years, I’d say that no, it’s not enlarged.

Just heard back from my doc. Like I would ever hear back from my endo that fast! LOL. Anyway, they said they have no problem with repeat labs and were concerned with some of my symptoms, particularly the heart spike, and know I’ve had that problem before. They asked if I’d seen the cardiologist yet and as I told them, that and the echo is next month. I also said I don’t think my TSH is at 2 yet, but I worry I could be heading there. Plus, this dose where I take 88 every day isn’t fully ramped up in my system yet.

On the road now to see my new endo so I’ll type and share this later as I’m writing in a paper journal at the moment.

Slept amazingly well and have amazing energy! For months I worried I wouldn’t make it or would be exhausted. Now I just have to hope this doctor isn’t a denier when it comes to levothyroxine and anxiety and that she doesn’t tell me she’s never heard of cholecystectomies and rising TSH levels.

Tom brought up a good point when he said he questioned the gallbladder connection because it was already so dead. I think there’s a connection, though. The timing can’t be a coincidence. Or can it? Besides, going from 17% to 0% is still something. Gastritis and thyroid cancer can also cause absorption issues but there’s no way I could have cancer. I’d have other symptoms if I did. Still, if I stick with her, I hope she wants to do an ultrasound because it’s been a while and I’m curious about that left nodule that showed up in 2014. I want to see if it’s enlarged at all and if Doc A was right with her arthritis diagnosis when it came to that “lump” I swear I felt.

Tom got his stitches out which he said hurt more than the procedure itself with all the pulling and pinching he felt.

Tried giving Tinkerbella a bath but she hated it and fought me all the way. Because she’s such a good rat, I thought she’d be okay and maybe even enjoy it since she loves her waterfall but nope.

Tom made a divider for one of the kitchen drawers with one long side and the other side split in half, and oh my God, does it help keep things so much more organized! Going to print dividers for my dresser drawers like we did in Cali.

There have been subtle hints of fall in the air that everyone but me is thrilled about but it was pretty hot today at 94 degrees. At least it will make outdoor walking more bearable when it’s a bit cooler as well as using the treadmill and Bowflex in the lanai when energy levels allow me to.

Made a small Temu order and got a couple more stencils and a couple of brushes with long handles. One for cleaning the rat’s cage shelves and the other for my big water cup. There are also these pieces of silicone shaped like credit cards I got for spreading paint.

Had a dream we lived next to Ray as we do in real life but he had a three-story house with lots of big windows and even a cellar. We headed out and saw he had lights on, even in the cellar, as we passed his place.

Then (I don’t know if this was part of the dream) we were in a large multi-story building with various shops in it. He was off somewhere in another store while I browsed through a boutique. I was on the top floor and there didn’t seem to be anyone else around. Suddenly, the lights went out and it was pitch dark. When I called out to see if anyone was around, I heard someone breathe or sniffle, so I knew someone was there. The fact that they wouldn’t answer me made me uneasy.

Through the dark, I managed to find the elevator. It opened into a long room that seemed like a waiting room of some kind. There was a row of chairs and a couch. The room was empty except for one young guy. He not only seemed happy to see me but to my surprise, he also seemed to like what he saw despite my age. I sat on the end of the couch to wait for Tom because I didn’t know where he could be.

Suddenly, I woke with a start, realizing I had fallen asleep. So had the guy who was seated much too close to me. I pushed away from him and stood up.

Not seeing Tom in the room, I started to worry and became determined to find him.

“I’ve got to find him,” I said reaching for a phone on a nearby table.

The guy, now awake, asked who “he” was. Before I answered, I wondered if telling him it was my husband would make him less interested in me or more determined to pester me.

I’ll cover my visit with the endo, which I finally had, in my next entry.

Been too tired to write for days. Despite being exhausted yesterday, I managed to get to my ENT and we even stopped to eat afterward at Applebee’s. The doctor was an hour late but very nice. It’s even nicer to have my ear cleaned because it was really aggravating my TMJ.

Applebee’s was good, but not great. There was the usual loud music, but at least they were kind enough to turn it down a little. I had fried fish filets with a side of fries and broccoli. I was afraid to finish it, though, because I didn’t want the grease to make me sick. So I had to remind myself that I still don’t have a gallbladder.

We got out of there just in time because a group of five, including a young kid with a loud mouth, was seated next to us as we were finishing up. I don’t understand why they put everybody right smack next to each other, especially since the restaurant was mostly empty. I could feel their movements since their booth and mine were connected, and the kid was annoying.

About a week ago, I made the jump to all 88s but I’m still so hypo that I wonder if even the maximum dose could get my TSH under control.

The B-12 seemed to mess up my stomach so I dropped that to every other day. I don’t think I’m gonna get any more when it runs out because it doesn’t do anything for my energy levels any more than the Rhodiola rosea does. I’m going to hang on to that Rhodiola rosea, though, for the next time I get anxious. Maybe it will at least help with that, along with the hydroxyzine.

There weren’t enough diamonds in the diamond painting I’m finishing up, so we contacted the seller, but I don’t expect to get the missing diamonds. We’ll likely have to purchase extras.

We got the rat one of those waterfall bowls that dogs and cats like, and she absolutely loves it! It’s so cute watching her play with it. Definitely got to get some pics.

It may be just talk, but Musk is talking about charging everybody to use Twitter to combat bots. If he does, I’m gone! And if Facebook chooses to follow in his footsteps, I’m gone from there too. I’m not paying to use any kind of social media.

I created a new profile on Facebook (not in my name of course, since Facebook just has to suggest every account I create to my friends and not give me any privacy) and will use that account like I use Twitter. It might be even better because I have a much higher character limitation on Facebook. I just wish we had more voice-posting options available in more places. I mean, what the hell is taking so long?

Finished watching a limited series on Netflix set in Germany called Dear Child. Not bad.

Then I saw The Nurse, set in Denmark about a killer nurse. It was based on a true story. In the end, all of their coworkers turned against the nurse who flushed the killer nurse out.

Only in this world do people shun people for flushing out killers, but not the woman who race-carded people into jail for something they wrote simply because she is black. No, that woman, no matter how much she instigated and did things that were definitely illegal like tossing explicit letters in mailboxes, was to be pitied and sided with at all costs.

I’m now watching Lies and Deceit set in Spain.

I was also watching a documentary about a rape victim accused of falsely filing her claim of rape and how filing a false police report is a misdemeanor. Again, only in this world could there be places where that’s a misdemeanor while what you write on paper can be considered a felony.

Came across an old excerpt in my journal from an email my mother sent me back in the 90s regarding Termite Tammy. She said she understood my frustrations with her due to how much she lies and is a sympathy junkie. Even though it’s wrong for a parent to pit one kid against another, just the fact that her own mother could say that pretty much tells you something about that termite right there.

The more I think about it, the more I’m surprised the termite never got in trouble for Munchausen by proxy. You would think that if anyone was likely to harm their own kids just to get attention through them, it would be her. Hell, she’s given her daughter bloody lips and I actually saw with my own two eyes her knock Lisa off her feet as a toddler because she slapped her so hard.

Yet, despite the years of Lisa bitching to me about how horrible her mother and stepfather were, she chose them over the aunt who once cared. But they can all have each other as I decided 4 years ago because they’re all great for each other being carbon copies of each other.

Met with Helen on the 18th but all we talked about was what was going on at the moment. On the 4th it’ll be back on with the EMDR and wondering if she’s helping me in the end, or if I’ve been throwing money away.

In another weird and detailed dream, I was sitting at a desk in the kitchen with a window in front of it. The place looked nothing like this place and neither did the outside of it. Directly across from me, I could see a woman in her window. She was close enough to see my lips moving when I spoke my thoughts out loud. I then saw her lips move. Every time I spoke, she spoke. It was as if she could literally hear me as well as see me. I smiled, and then she smiled.

Then she headed over to our place to introduce herself. I laughed and said, “This is the strangest way I’ve ever met a neighbor before.”

I noticed she had long neon orange nails and complemented them. She then stepped into our place, and I told her we just moved in so it was a bit messy. Suddenly, she reacted as if a horrible smell hit her and she was about to get sick. Then she went into the bathroom.

As I waited for her to come out of the bathroom, something hit me… How the hell could the woman have seen me through the reflective tinting in the window?

It’s nearly 5:00 in the morning and this rat has been asleep since I got up at 10:15. It’s like she thinks she’s a gerbil, LOL. Those are day rodents.

She was so cute and funny the other day. She was hanging around by my feet while I was cooking in the kitchen. Then Tom got up and went into the bathroom. She ran to the door all happy and excited. Because she has gotten a little bigger, it’s not as easy for her to shimmy under the door. But she finally decided she wanted to see him badly enough to squeeze under. It was adorable. Like a cat or a dog all excited to see its owner come home after being away at work all day.

Alyssa showed up in one of my many dreams last night. I love it when I dream of her even if they’re usually vague and even if she’s not too thrilled to see me. I don’t remember what it was about, though. Something about being at her place. I have a feeling I wasn’t exactly invited either, LOL.

Then I was happily chatting with a woman in person. We were lying on a blanket on the grass somewhere laughing and joking and I really enjoyed our conversation and hoped she would be a good friend for many years to come. So at least I did have one positive dream.

Next, we were going to be moving to New York of all places and I cringed at the thought of the cold and snow we’d be in for. I questioned in my mind whether or not it was the right thing to do but Tom insisted we would be better off there because we would make more money, not taking into consideration how expensive New York is.

Then I was exploring inside a luxurious multi-level mansion that some rich person owned. I guess I was barefoot because I marveled at how wonderful the lush, expensive high-quality carpet felt beneath my feet. Then I opened a huge glass door and realized that had I stepped forward I would have fallen many feet because there was no balcony or staircase leading down from it.

The only bad dream was Tom and I being on the run for something. I don’t know what we did but it must have been pretty serious because I believed we would never see each other again or be free if we were caught. I asked him if I would ever get another doll again (haha), wanting so desperately for any hint of optimism in his voice to suggest life could one day return to normal. I realized I would miss his reassuring ways and telling me everything would be okay along with so much more.

I heard a little thump at 4:30 yesterday morning, checked the cam, and saw Ray throw a suitcase in his backseat and then take off. I wonder if he only came down because something was going on down here or if maybe he put his house up for sale and it sold quicker than expected and is going back to clean it out. Could be that the different vehicle he drove this time was actually a rental.

I’m still trying to figure out if Kim is just that stupid or she just doesn’t give a shit because she really doesn’t seem to have a clue what too much content means. First, she hit me with a long rambling message, as usual, barely 2 hours after I sent her a message and then I got a long rambling email filled with journal entries pretty much telling me the same things. Never once did she ask if it was too much or at least say she hoped it wasn’t. And everything is all about that fucking bigot Bob she works for! She’s as obsessed with him as she was with June. I’m not sure what gets more annoying, being asked the same questions over and over or hearing about the same damn people time and time again that I don’t know or care about. Why does she think I need to see her and Bob’s email exchanges? I don’t give a shit, and that should be between them anyway.

Speaking of my own journal entries, I came across another one in the 90s that tells me both my parents had high cholesterol and not just Dad.

I stopped the B-12 because it started messing with my stomach like B-complex did and didn’t seem to be giving me much more energy anyway. It’s too soon to judge the Rhodiola rosea, but it might have given me a little bit of energy and boosted my mood a tiny bit as well.

“I was shown the consequences of my life, thousands of people that I’d interacted with and felt what they felt about me, saw their life and how I had impacted them. Next I saw the consequences of my life and the influence of my actions.”

The above is from an article about survivors of near-death experiences. Funny because we just talked about this and decided it’s wishful thinking for everyone we knew to ever know exactly how we felt about them. I’d like to think they’re all just hallucinating but there are thousands and thousands of stories, so it makes you wonder…could they all have the same hallucinations? With as many stories as there are, maybe there’s a reason for it but I don’t know. If so, then the only thing that has me a little worried are all the stories of those who tried to kill themselves and swear they went to hell, knowing that I’m almost certainly going to end it someday because either he goes first or the suffering gets to be way too much.

But then what about the terminally ill who kill themselves via Death with Dignity? Do they all go to hell too? If certain dreams involving my mother and grandmother weren’t just dreams, that gives me hope that it’s easy enough to escape hell, if there is one, even though they didn’t kill themselves. But then the religious freaks swear we go to hell just for lying. Show me a red-blooded human being on earth that hasn’t lied at one time or another!

If any of what I read is true, I like the idea of people knowing exactly how I felt about them and how their words and actions affected me, and I have no problem at all knowing how I affected them. I’ve always wondered at times, being the curious person that I am, what certain people I’ve known throughout my life have thought. So maybe we’ll get a chance to find that out! Did Maliheh really ghost me because she only befriended me long enough to ensure her name was kept out of my book as I think was the case? Or could she have had a problem with me liking her? Or could she have come to like me and had a problem with her liking me?

Anyway, after having 3 days of fairly decent energy I knew my luck was about to run out and it did. I’m terribly tired and so far, I don’t notice any difference with the Rhodiola rosea.

Took half of a 10 mg pill of hydroxyzine yesterday for mild anxiety and it didn’t make me drowsy or sleep forever. I slept a decent amount of time at 8 hours and got a good sleep score of 87, so I shouldn’t be tired even though I am. However, the next few days are going to be hit or miss as we get some storms rolling in. Got another few weeks of storm season.

Looking for alternatives to Grammarly because the aggressive advertising is really getting annoying as fuck. I complain, they say they’ll tell their team about it, but nothing ever changes. I think they literally want to drive away those who only want to use the free option and that they want only paying customers.

Andy will be in Florida between February 5th and 8th and OMG, this guy’s lack of compassion and empathy never ceases to amaze me. He knows I’ve been struggling and I told him about Tom’s procedure yet never once did he utter a word of support. No hoping I feel better soon, no telling Tom he hopes he feels better soon, no nothing.

I told him I would mark the dates on my calendar and do my best as long as my schedule permits it and there’s nothing else going on with me or him at the time. Instead of saying something like, “I’ll understand if you can’t make it and there’s always another time, even though I hope we can see each other because it’s been so long,” as a supportive and understanding friend would say. Instead, I get, “We haven’t seen each other in nearly 10 years.”

What I sense he really means is, “It’s been nearly 10 years since we’ve seen each other so fuck your health issues. You can do this for me.”

Am I just reading him all wrong or something? Again I’m asking myself if I did the right thing by letting him back into my life. We share a lot of funny memories but going forward we are just so damn different. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to see him. I really hope I can.

He’s excited to see a Stevie concert on a football field when he’s down here. It’s amazing how he’s been obsessed with the same person for so long. Sometimes I wish I still had some of my old obsessions but not a single dream, goal, or interest from way back when still exists except for my love of writing.

Anyway, I’ve been tired and cold and have a lot of brain fog, dry skin, hair loss, and gained another pound. Really worry and wonder how long it’s going to take to resolve this problem and what kind of hell I might have to go through to get there! Nine more days till my appointment!

Making a point of getting zone minutes each day. Took a BP reading before I worked out and it actually wasn’t that bad at 129/83. Beats being in the 140s or 150s. When I was going through my apps on the Android and getting rid of stuff I don’t use anymore, I forgot I had a BP app. I’ll use that for logging readings because then all I have to do is send Galileo a screenshot when they ask for an update.

I took the lower dose of hydroxyzine yesterday and it still made me drowsy and sleep a long time (10 hrs) but I didn’t have next day drowsiness. If I’m going to get anxious, it still tends to come on in the middle of my day. So if I’m going to get hit with it, it will be between 3:00 and 4:00 yet I’m not feeling any signs of it looming so maybe I’ll be okay today. Fortunately, most of what I’ve been getting has been mild. Nothing hardcore like the end of last year or the beginning of 2021.

I’m still torn between the convenience and freedom that comes with writing for me only and keeping things private on the high-traffic sites versus sharing, meeting new people, and getting interesting feedback. For the most part these days I tend to be more private. I just don’t feel I need an audience and I am still hesitant to be that sociable knowing the potential for the trouble it may bring. Besides, there will never be another Aly, anyway.

On and off for years I’ve had a pain in my very lower left abdomen that I really hope doesn’t amount to any big deal like my gallbladder did. I suppose it could be anything from a cyst on the ovary to a muscle strain. Since cysts are less likely when you’re postmenopausal, I hope it’s just pulled muscles that I haven’t used as much since I started stepping up the cardio.

I’m gonna be trying Rhodiola Rosea which is said to help with mood and energy levels. My doctor consulted with their experts, and there have been some studies to suggest that this helps with that. I ordered a bottle in liquid form. All the reviews are good, but I can’t really say which ones may be fake.

Also, since even half a tablet of hydroxyzine knocks me out and makes me sleep forever, I now have 10 mg tablets. If I feel anxious later on, I’ll try one and hopefully, it won’t be too much. If the anxiety gets that bad, though, then I’d rather deal with being knocked out and drowsy the next day. Last night was better and so is tonight. So far anyway.

Almost forgot to write about the horrible dream I had. When I woke up one day in the dream, I knew I had been raped in my sleep by a 7-foot black guy, even though I never felt, saw, or had any awareness of it happening.

The next night, I was in a restaurant and everyone in the neighborhood was present, or at least most of the people. There were about 50 people in all, including my rapist. Everyone seemed to know everyone so maybe it was a community like this one.

I stood up and demanded everyone’s attention. The room quieted and all eyes turned to me. Somehow I knew that everyone knew what happened to me. I said, “For every man in this room who supports me and doesn’t feel I deserve what I got, raise your hand.”

To my disgust, not everyone raised their hand. I continued on nonetheless and said, “This is your chance to do the right thing and stop this guy from hurting me again in the future as well as other women.”

This is where the dream ended. So if anyone went to battle for me in my defense, I don’t know.

The only positive dream I remember was flying on this weird plane, although I’m not sure if it really was a plane. You had that sensation of picking up speed along the runway and gravity pushing you back into your seat and then floating when it lifted off of the ground. So I guess it was a plane. It was just Tom and I and the pilot on whatever it was we were flying in.

Slept through the mowers with no issues.

Today is the first day in a few days where I’ve had decent energy and little to no anxiety. Even half a tablet of hydroxyzine knocks me out and makes me sleep forever so my docs are calling in a prescription for 10 mg instead of 25 mg. I didn’t know they came that low.

I’ve noticed a definite pattern as far as what seems to trigger the anxiety, and the more time that passes, the more I’m convinced it is connected to the thyroid and or medication. I think hormones and what’s going on in my life have little to do with this particular feeling. Otherwise, I would have always experienced it whenever life got rough. It seems to be triggered by either being in the normal range, since for me that’s below normal, erratic dosing, rapid dosing, or being around 14 or higher. Tom thinks being on nights is a factor too.

They asked me how I felt about blood pressure medicine, and as I told them, I was hesitant because I still have times when my readings are good. So we agreed to have me try upping my cardio and see if that improves it. While I love working out in VR on the glider, it’s such a wimpy workout. They said you should be able to talk during a workout but not sing. I could definitely sing my heart out on that glider, LOL. It’s better than nothing but definitely not much of a workout since my HR rarely hits triple digits when I’m doing it. To get me into the Zone I need to hit at least 112. So if I’m not on the treadmill or jogging around the house, I need to do aerobics.

“Meanwhile, my sister’s thyroid disease is turning fatal, so the hypochondriac claims. I guess they’ve tried her on different medications over the last year to no avail. She says her thyroid is so swollen it’s affected her voice and now it’s affecting her esophagus. She’s gained 17 pounds and is over 200 pounds.”

When I read the above excerpt from one of my 1997 journals I was like WTF? I don’t remember this bitch having a thyroid disease. The only one I know of that did was my mother. I swear I remember telling her when I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s and she told me her doctor once thought she had thyroid issues but it turned out that she didn’t.

Tom says it’s a sign that there’s something about my genetics and my family having problems with thyroid medication. Also in the 90s, Dad was telling me that Mom had been on Synthroid for 8 years and was having some kind of problem with her thyroid that I wish the hell I had pressed for more information on. But there was no way I could know that I would be dealing with this myself all these years later. Back then my worst problems were asthma, allergies, and an occasional flu and cold. I miss those days! God, do I miss them! I really wish I was psychic enough to see into my future to know just what kind of hell I’m going to be in for and whether or not it really is worth hanging on for.

Took magnesium and it only helped a little bit to take the edge off of my anxiety and down mood we’re guessing is due to my body not absorbing the levothyroxine, so I added half a hydro and even that makes me drowsy. But at least it does seem more helpful than magnesium.

I asked the chatbot to suggest what may help with energy and moods that I haven’t tried and it came up with something called Rhodiola Rosea so I asked my docs about it and we’ll see what they say.

Tom is still out of it too. The antibiotics have been harder on him than the procedure itself.

After the last time I bitched in my journal about them coming in with the really loud garbage truck, they went back to the softer one that you pretty much only hear when it’s close to the house. I hope that’s the way it is this week as well because I’m going to be sleeping in.

I started my next long trip and for some reason, it started me 27 miles into it. I’m out in the middle of the open desert in Mexico. Nothing but flat land with cactus and big open skies. A place I’d love to live if I was still young and healthy.

The new mini golf course, Alfheim, was released a few days ago. It’s great. Poor Tom is so frustrated that he can’t play because of the stitches on his forehead. The headset has to rest in that area.

I am continuing to suffer both physically and mentally and wishing to hell that the mamo or echo would turn up something that’s going to kill me. But of course, it won’t. I’m tired as fuck and it’s affecting my emotional state as well. With the Endo being a couple of weeks away, I wonder how much worse I’m gonna get between now and then, not that I have much faith in her helping me. If there’s anything I can do or take that will help me, I have no idea what it is, and I don’t think any doctor is going to help me figure it out either. I really believe I’m hopeless. I really do. July 9th, 2014 was the start of a life sentence.

I totally want to end it all. But of course, I can’t because of Tom and Tink. But like I’ve been figuring out lately, that’s why whatever’s cursing me so badly put Tom in my life was to force me to suffer knowing I would be reluctant to end it all and hurt him. But it should also know that there’s only so much I can take. There are only so many more years I can put his feelings before my suffering. Bringing my TSH down may give me more energy, but all it’s going to do in the end is give me insomnia and anxiety instead. It’s either feel tired and down or have a little more energy, more problems sleeping, and anxiety. All I do is swap one problem for another. I never get a fucking break for more than a day or two.

I haven’t been sharing much on the more active writing platforms because I feel my words are too depressing. Sometimes I just gotta write for myself. Blogger isn’t private, but it’s pretty dead. I just want to vent without judgment or an audience.

The only thing that helps a little is to vent, play with Tink, or hit the road. We discovered that Tink really gets a kick out of playing “water games” where she loves to stick her mouth in front of the plant water bottle as we squirt water into her tray.

Ray is back. Late last night, I saw him out with a flashlight trying to figure out why he has no water. Irma says she hopes he knows he has to call the water company. He’s out of luck until Monday. The AC people were out today, and I could hear a few bumps and bangs, but nothing major. I thought that thing was brand new. Also, why is he back so soon?

I finished my trip from Spain to Norway! Since I went north in eastern Europe, I’m going to go south in western Europe from Finland to Greece, but not until I do my trip where I head northeasterly from Mexico to Maine. Then after that, I’ll head southeasterly from Canada to Florida.

In my Mexico to Maine trip, I will be heading to Texas and then through the very northwestern tip of Louisiana, then Arkansas, across the southeastern tip of Missouri, then Illinois, then I’ll barely skirt by Kentucky without entering it. From there, I’ll go through Indiana, Ohio, right up to the border of Pennsylvania, then hit New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, and finally Maine.

Yesterday I had good energy and was in a good mood for someone who had just learned her TSH was continuing to rise for no apparent reason.

Today I’m cold, tired and fat. My wake-up call this time around was a loud thunderclap although I did fall back asleep relatively quickly.

I’ve been feeling blah and hopeless as far as my health goes. I really doubt I’m going to get my health back. The harder I work to get it on track the more pushed off track I get that I’m hesitant to do much more about it. Someday I’ll throw in the towel and just let it be whatever it’s going to be. I don’t have much control over the situation anyway.

No one can know for sure about these sorts of things any more than what happens after we die but I sure have been feeling like something really, really wants me to be hypo. The never-ending question is why. Just to take some of the joy out of my life? I know it’s not going to kill me anytime soon, whatever may be up there. I don’t know how I know but I just know I’m not going to have a heart attack, a stroke, or get cancer that can’t be treated anytime soon. I still think I’m going to end up killing myself someday because I’m either tired of suffering or because my husband dies or is dying. So while it’s great that I’m not going to get anything deadly anytime soon, the reasons behind this aren’t too thrilling. Yet I really feel like there’s something that wants me to live a long time so I can continue to suffer in some way or another, be it from a slew of things going on with me or the same old never-ending battles I’ve been fighting for years. My thyroid is going to be a problem all my life just like my teeth are. As soon as I get it relatively on track, something will throw things off again. Like I said, sooner or later I’m going to quit bothering to try.

It just pisses the fuck out of me when I think of all the undeserving assholes and nut jobs out there who have little more than an occasional cold while I have to suffer from one thing after another on top of the same old shit. Am I really that horrible of a person? Do I really deserve this? Why does it want me to be tired so much of the time and not feel so great emotionally? So I can’t be as active as I want to be? And if so, why??? Why does something up there want me to be hypo? Why? Why must I spend so much of my life tired?

I really thought I wouldn’t suffer until a matter of days, weeks, or maybe even months before my time was up. Not what’s going to end up being about a third of my fucking life. Besides feeling tired, cold and fat, my ear definitely needs to be cleaned. I feel the pressure that comes with it being gunked up. It seems to block my sinuses from draining properly and give me a slight headache. Of course my TMJ acts up as well. My head sort of has that feeling you get when you have a cold.

Again, no one knows for sure if there’s a God but if there is one that is actively involved in our lives and what happens to us, fuck you. Just fuck you for all the years of suffering you allowed me to endure. Fuck you for not doing more to make my life healthier and therefore happier. Fuck you for stealing my energy and my joy. Fuck you for limiting my activities. Fuck you for not giving a shit. Fuck you for my family’s shit. Fuck you for the sex and infertility shit. Fuck you for the happy healthy sex life I could have had. Fuck you for letting the freeloaders legally screw me over because I had something to say about their shit. Fuck you for the money woes. Fuck you for taking my bestie. And now … fuck you for trampling on my health and emotional well-being for the better part of a decade and for what’s no doubt the better part of two more decades to come.

Yeah, fuck you.

Today serves as yet another reminder that no, God doesn’t always help those who help themselves if one even exists. Again, it’s like something wants me to be hypo! Well, if there is any God up there picking on me, it’s quite a coward. It has the guts to fuck with my health but it doesn’t have the guts to kill me.

Tom guessed that my TSH would be the same or down a point or two and I guessed it was going to be up from 14 to somewhere between 16 and 18. I’ve had enough experience with this drug and the symptoms that go with both having not enough and too much medication in me to get a good sense of where I’m at and sure enough, I’m at 16.

What’s the point of taking this shit if my body can’t absorb it anymore? I totally regret getting my gallbladder removed and I should have known that I would somehow be punished for it as I seem to be every time a significant bodily change is made in some way or another. I get braces to straighten my teeth and I start having cavities like crazy. I have ear surgery and I acquire TMJ. So why did I think things would be simple with the gallbastard? Why did I think I could simply have my gallbladder removed and have that be the end of the problem? I should have just kept the damn thing and dealt with the cramps.

I worked so long and so hard to get my TSH consistently under 10 and now it’s like the carpet has been yanked from under my feet and I have to start all over again. The question is how and with what? Again, if there is anything up there, it doesn’t have the balls to kill me so I’m going to have to figure it out if I don’t want to be so damn tired so much of the time. Hell, just thinking of my numbers makes me tired.

I wonder if I should give liothyronine another chance because I read back in my 2018 journal, and it wasn’t that I didn’t wait long enough for food and drink but I stupidly took magnesium supplements along with it, not knowing any better at the time. I’m waiting to hear back from my doctors.

I’m also worried as to how far this is going to go before it’s brought under control and at what expense. Yesterday, I felt on edge and kind of down. So there is a definite connection between my moods and not only medication consistency and dosing but TSH levels as well. I’m afraid this is going to bring the anxiety back along with whatever medication adjustments we’re going to have to make. Right now I feel like I could take the maximum dose of levothyroxine and anxious or not, it’s not going to do me any good.

Read up some more on liothyronine and while most people found it helpful, you can have the same problems with it as with levothyroxine. Well, if I’m sensitive to levothyroxine there’s no reason to think I wouldn’t be sensitive to liothyronine as well. It can cause anxiety and palpitations along with insomnia and other problems. But maybe taking T3 instead of taking T4 and hoping it will convert to T3 like it’s supposed to would be my best bet.

I haven’t gained much weight but I have gained a little. My skin is dry and my hair is falling out. I wonder how much worse the hypo symptoms are going to get, including the fatigue before this is resolved somehow. It’s just that I keep everything I gain as long as I don’t go thyrotoxic, so if I gain any more weight, I’m stuck with it forever.

Also, even though I don’t feel anything with my fingers or see anything, I feel like there’s a lump or something at the base of the left side of my neck that I didn’t notice when my TSH was lower, making me think the gland is enlarged a bit. I’ve had this feeling on and off for many years. My old doc told me it was arthritis, but I don’t know.

While I wait for my doctors to instruct me on how to proceed, there is some good news. Although my total cholesterol is still high at 286, at least it’s under 300. My bad cholesterol and triglycerides and other things are high.

I tested negative for over 100 different autoimmune diseases, my WBC is normal, and my A1C is normal so that’s good. However, my glucose was a little high at 111. So, I’m still possibly pre-diabetic but not diabetic.

Tom’s forehead looks and feels horrible, the poor guy. He has a long line of stitches from the top of his forehead to the eyebrow. He thought it would be just a little circle but in order for them to sew the skin back together, this is how they had to do it. It almost looks like he has a black centipede sitting in the middle of his forehead, LOL. It’s also swollen and he has a headache and he too, finds that opioids don’t help much. He has to ice it on and off, take antibiotics, and put an antibiotic ointment on it. For the first 24 hours, he had to leave it bandaged. We won’t be able to golf together for a few days because the headset rests on his forehead in that area. He’s napping now which is good. He needs to sleep as much as he can so that his body heals.

I now have just under 50 miles to go to complete my Spain to Norway trip! When I’m done in 2 or 3 days, I’m going to do some small trips on my favorites list before starting my next big trip from Mexico to Maine.

Tomorrow is crazy Kim’s 43rd birthday so I’ll be sure to send an email right after midnight so she’ll have it when she gets up.

Galileo just said to keep going as I have until I see the endo since it’s their bread and butter, but they do understand how stressful and frustrating it can be to see my numbers keep climbing and have it be out of my control.

They want to discuss my cholesterol but agree to wait till after I see the endo because I’m stressed out enough. I thanked them for understanding, although I don’t know what much there is to discuss about my cholesterol if I can’t treat it. Hopefully, it will come down a little more if we can ever get my TSH relatively normal again.

Starting to feel a bit off emotionally. I’m just not sure if I feel more down or anxious. I guess I’m mostly in a blah mood. The question is how much of it is physiological and how much of it is the fact that I feel like my life is pretty much over. I just can’t bring back that old excitement of moving on to new things, or at least hoping to anyway.

I really miss some aspects of my old life. I really do. Never thought I would say this but I miss some of those old feelings. And damn do I miss Aly!

While I’m not feeling the greatest emotionally, Tom’s not feeling the greatest physically. He got his squamous spot removed and says it’s given him a headache and almost feels like it’s squeezing his eye shut. He went to bed early. He has to ice it on and off and he was given an opioid for the pain as well as antibiotics. He didn’t want to take the painkiller before bed in case it slowed his heart too much in his sleep.

I never got my lab results today. I didn’t realize it could take a week to do A1C and RA testing. Wish they could have at least given me the results they do have. My shitty TSH is definitely done now.

I totally have to stop entering sweepstakes. This isn’t 20 years ago anyway when it was possible to win these things. All it’s doing is generating spam calls.

Tom is at the doctor now getting the cancerous spot removed from his forehead. Hopefully, they won’t have to cut too many layers before they get it all.

I, on the other hand, am waiting for all my horrible numbers to come in after going to the lab yesterday. They were a few minutes late for my appointment but they had no trouble getting the four vials of blood they needed without a butterfly needle. Remembering that one of the vampires said that the butterfly needle caused the blood to drain into the tube slower, I decided to see if they could get it without one and they did.

I looked at my mood tracker app for August and found I had 12 tired days for that month and 2 anxious days. I’m just glad the anxiety only lasted a couple of days! I was worried I was on the verge of another bad spell.

I realized something as well. If I’m right in that my normal is between 6-9 as far as my thyroid goes, then it’s technically an incorrect statement for me to say I would lose weight with normal numbers because I don’t lose weight when my numbers are in that range. I only lose when in the range that’s normal for most people.

I texted Tom to see how he’s doing and he said they’re done with the first cut and the lab will take a half hour to analyze it. Hopefully, they won’t have to make too many cuts to get all the cancerous cells.

For the longest time, I kept asking myself what I did to deserve him. If there is anything out there, that truly does hate me and has been hell-bent on seeing me cursed in one way or another throughout my life, then why blessed me with him? Well, maybe it’s to keep me alive to suffer on and off, knowing I’m much more reluctant to end it all with him in the picture. I suppose anything is possible but I’ll likely never know.

I also read an interesting article that made me think of Andy, Andy isn’t the dumbest person in the world. Far from it. I mean, there’s just no comparison between him and crazy Kim. But he’s also not the brightest bulb in the box either. The article talked about how people not asking follow-up questions about something you’ve mentioned is often interpreted as a sign of disinterest. However, it can actually be a sign of a lack of ability to comprehend in order to ask additional questions. I thought about it and it is definitely hard for Andy to understand or even want to understand certain things, although I still think he’s a bit selfish, mostly wanting to talk about what interests him and what he can relate to. A lot of people are like that. So while I would be curious, even if it didn’t affect me personally, that’s likely why he never asked whether or not I took the new N24 medication, for example.

Met with Helen yesterday and it was funny because when she was doing EMDR with me and walking me through certain feelings and events of my childhood, she kept asking how I felt during the actual moment when I went through the event as a child and I told her I didn’t think that was ever going to change because it was in the past and you can’t go back and rewrite history and change how you felt about something you felt at a particular moment years ago, could you? But apparently, that’s the whole idea here is to go back in time and literally re-process and change how I felt in order to help move on in the future with less anger. We were laughing for a minute there, and I told her I was sorry I didn’t understand the point of what we were trying to do and she said that was okay, and perhaps it was explained to me in a way I didn’t understand.

At the same time, I feel like a lot of the anger has fizzled out on its own with age. I’m certainly not as angry as I was years ago. This doesn’t mean I would ever forgive those who have really wronged me or be okay with it any more than I would let them back into my life if that were possible. It just means I’m just not feeling the anger as intensely as I used to. I don’t even want revenge on those who have really screwed me the worst in life as much. I mean, I do and it would still be nice if there was something I could do that I could actually get away with in a day and age where everything is traceable, but at the same time, I just don’t care as much. The need for such trolling like what Termite Tammy and her pesky brood did showed that they cared how I felt and what I thought. Well, the more time that passes, the less I give a shit and therefore the less angrier I am and the less I crave revenge. Like I said, I would take it if it was that simple and I certainly don’t give a shit what happens to them. But more and more I just see them as a bunch of horrible people I used to know that I want nothing to do with now or in the future. I’m indifferent to what happens to them at the same time I believe they deserve whatever suffering comes their way.

Tinkerbella was so cute this morning. There’s nothing sweeter than when your rat is already out running around free, compliments of Tom, and runs up to greet you as you open the bedroom door and step out of it. It was so damn cute. She wanted to be picked up and say hello so I picked her up and gave her hugs and kisses as always.

Although I wasn’t too tired yesterday, I had nausea for hours. It lasted well into my sleep and then some. I swear that when we moved into the last house, something up there slammed its fist down and declared, “I’m gonna make sure you suffer nearly every day for the rest of your life!”

It sure feels that way at times. If it isn’t anxiety, then it’s fatigue. If it isn’t pain, it’s nausea.

I’m sipping peppermint tea, which is supposed to help because I still have traces of nausea.

Apparently, I must add meatballs to the list of Do Not Eat since getting my gallbladder removed. We’re pretty sure the frozen meatballs I heated up and added to the spaghetti I made for us yesterday were what caused it.

It came on hours before bedtime and I thought it would be gone by the time I was ready to sleep. I tried a couple of Tums and it seemed to help a little, but not for long. When I finally drifted off on my stomach, I woke up because it started coming up in my throat and I totally regretted not trying to make myself throw up. I was kind of hoping I would throw up whether I wanted to or not since it just didn’t seem to want to leave my system but nope. Then I fell back asleep on my back just to snore myself awake.

I knew I was gonna be exhausted when I got up because of how long I was up for and how shitty I slept. I woke up after 5.5 hours of sleep, and I could kick myself for not staying up! I went back to sleep, not even an hour after being up, and ended up sleeping for nearly 5 additional hours. So the endo appointment, which looked like it would be simple enough to get to after the light was slowing the roll, is back to looking like I’m gonna have to short my sleep by quite a bit to make it to. I may even have to reschedule Tuesday’s lab.

I wasn’t going to do an entry today, but I’ll do one if only just to bitch about my shitty health woes. Each year that I suffer, I fear I’m never going to get my health back. Being healthy is definitely a thing of the past for me. Or at least feeling healthy.

Yesterday I spent about 80% of my day feeling exhausted and therefore it played on my mood and made me feel frustrated and totally bummed out.

I thought of going for a walk today, but then I decided to clean the kitchen first, knowing that it would likely suck the energy out of me. I didn’t want the walk to wipe me out and be too tired to clean. Sure enough, I’m a little out of it but I’m more lightheaded than anything else. This is how I felt coming back from Publix a couple of days ago. Really hope I improve once my TSH is squared away!

Tom and I are still 99% sure I don’t have PAH. It will still be nice to have an expert say so for sure. So when I hear those words telling me everything is OK with my heart and arteries, I can then begin the process of elimination as to what’s causing the fatigue. I agree with the docs in that it’s likely mostly on my thyroid and being a little low on B-12. The problem is that the supplements haven’t been helping.

I was able to get referrals for the mammogram and echocardiogram at the same place about 15 minutes away. Still may have to travel a bit further for a cardiologist. First, we want the echocardiogram results for when I see the cardiologist. It may not be necessary to see one, though, if the echo doesn’t show anything questionable.

As for genetic counseling, we have to see if my insurance covers that. I did find that 23andMe checked for 3 variants that I didn’t have that could put me at risk of breast cancer but there are over 1000 variants.

I don’t know about RA, but when I looked into the symptoms of Sjogren’s, I felt pretty sure I don’t have that since I don’t have a dry mouth and dry tear ducts. They’ll still be testing for these things.

Absolute worst-case scenario is that I have chronic fatigue. Doesn’t explain the lightheadedness, but it could just be that I need to drink more and am hungry. I haven’t eaten much since I’ve been up.