“I was shown the consequences of my life, thousands of people that I’d interacted with and felt what they felt about me, saw their life and how I had impacted them. Next I saw the consequences of my life and the influence of my actions.”

The above is from an article about survivors of near-death experiences. Funny because we just talked about this and decided it’s wishful thinking for everyone we knew to ever know exactly how we felt about them. I’d like to think they’re all just hallucinating but there are thousands and thousands of stories, so it makes you wonder…could they all have the same hallucinations? With as many stories as there are, maybe there’s a reason for it but I don’t know. If so, then the only thing that has me a little worried are all the stories of those who tried to kill themselves and swear they went to hell, knowing that I’m almost certainly going to end it someday because either he goes first or the suffering gets to be way too much.

But then what about the terminally ill who kill themselves via Death with Dignity? Do they all go to hell too? If certain dreams involving my mother and grandmother weren’t just dreams, that gives me hope that it’s easy enough to escape hell, if there is one, even though they didn’t kill themselves. But then the religious freaks swear we go to hell just for lying. Show me a red-blooded human being on earth that hasn’t lied at one time or another!

If any of what I read is true, I like the idea of people knowing exactly how I felt about them and how their words and actions affected me, and I have no problem at all knowing how I affected them. I’ve always wondered at times, being the curious person that I am, what certain people I’ve known throughout my life have thought. So maybe we’ll get a chance to find that out! Did Maliheh really ghost me because she only befriended me long enough to ensure her name was kept out of my book as I think was the case? Or could she have had a problem with me liking her? Or could she have come to like me and had a problem with her liking me?

Anyway, after having 3 days of fairly decent energy I knew my luck was about to run out and it did. I’m terribly tired and so far, I don’t notice any difference with the Rhodiola rosea.

Took half of a 10 mg pill of hydroxyzine yesterday for mild anxiety and it didn’t make me drowsy or sleep forever. I slept a decent amount of time at 8 hours and got a good sleep score of 87, so I shouldn’t be tired even though I am. However, the next few days are going to be hit or miss as we get some storms rolling in. Got another few weeks of storm season.

Looking for alternatives to Grammarly because the aggressive advertising is really getting annoying as fuck. I complain, they say they’ll tell their team about it, but nothing ever changes. I think they literally want to drive away those who only want to use the free option and that they want only paying customers.

Andy will be in Florida between February 5th and 8th and OMG, this guy’s lack of compassion and empathy never ceases to amaze me. He knows I’ve been struggling and I told him about Tom’s procedure yet never once did he utter a word of support. No hoping I feel better soon, no telling Tom he hopes he feels better soon, no nothing.

I told him I would mark the dates on my calendar and do my best as long as my schedule permits it and there’s nothing else going on with me or him at the time. Instead of saying something like, “I’ll understand if you can’t make it and there’s always another time, even though I hope we can see each other because it’s been so long,” as a supportive and understanding friend would say. Instead, I get, “We haven’t seen each other in nearly 10 years.”

What I sense he really means is, “It’s been nearly 10 years since we’ve seen each other so fuck your health issues. You can do this for me.”

Am I just reading him all wrong or something? Again I’m asking myself if I did the right thing by letting him back into my life. We share a lot of funny memories but going forward we are just so damn different. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to see him. I really hope I can.

He’s excited to see a Stevie concert on a football field when he’s down here. It’s amazing how he’s been obsessed with the same person for so long. Sometimes I wish I still had some of my old obsessions but not a single dream, goal, or interest from way back when still exists except for my love of writing.

Anyway, I’ve been tired and cold and have a lot of brain fog, dry skin, hair loss, and gained another pound. Really worry and wonder how long it’s going to take to resolve this problem and what kind of hell I might have to go through to get there! Nine more days till my appointment!