I am continuing to suffer both physically and mentally and wishing to hell that the mamo or echo would turn up something that’s going to kill me. But of course, it won’t. I’m tired as fuck and it’s affecting my emotional state as well. With the Endo being a couple of weeks away, I wonder how much worse I’m gonna get between now and then, not that I have much faith in her helping me. If there’s anything I can do or take that will help me, I have no idea what it is, and I don’t think any doctor is going to help me figure it out either. I really believe I’m hopeless. I really do. July 9th, 2014 was the start of a life sentence.

I totally want to end it all. But of course, I can’t because of Tom and Tink. But like I’ve been figuring out lately, that’s why whatever’s cursing me so badly put Tom in my life was to force me to suffer knowing I would be reluctant to end it all and hurt him. But it should also know that there’s only so much I can take. There are only so many more years I can put his feelings before my suffering. Bringing my TSH down may give me more energy, but all it’s going to do in the end is give me insomnia and anxiety instead. It’s either feel tired and down or have a little more energy, more problems sleeping, and anxiety. All I do is swap one problem for another. I never get a fucking break for more than a day or two.

I haven’t been sharing much on the more active writing platforms because I feel my words are too depressing. Sometimes I just gotta write for myself. Blogger isn’t private, but it’s pretty dead. I just want to vent without judgment or an audience.

The only thing that helps a little is to vent, play with Tink, or hit the road. We discovered that Tink really gets a kick out of playing “water games” where she loves to stick her mouth in front of the plant water bottle as we squirt water into her tray.

Ray is back. Late last night, I saw him out with a flashlight trying to figure out why he has no water. Irma says she hopes he knows he has to call the water company. He’s out of luck until Monday. The AC people were out today, and I could hear a few bumps and bangs, but nothing major. I thought that thing was brand new. Also, why is he back so soon?

I finished my trip from Spain to Norway! Since I went north in eastern Europe, I’m going to go south in western Europe from Finland to Greece, but not until I do my trip where I head northeasterly from Mexico to Maine. Then after that, I’ll head southeasterly from Canada to Florida.

In my Mexico to Maine trip, I will be heading to Texas and then through the very northwestern tip of Louisiana, then Arkansas, across the southeastern tip of Missouri, then Illinois, then I’ll barely skirt by Kentucky without entering it. From there, I’ll go through Indiana, Ohio, right up to the border of Pennsylvania, then hit New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, and finally Maine.