Yesterday I had good energy and was in a good mood for someone who had just learned her TSH was continuing to rise for no apparent reason.

Today I’m cold, tired and fat. My wake-up call this time around was a loud thunderclap although I did fall back asleep relatively quickly.

I’ve been feeling blah and hopeless as far as my health goes. I really doubt I’m going to get my health back. The harder I work to get it on track the more pushed off track I get that I’m hesitant to do much more about it. Someday I’ll throw in the towel and just let it be whatever it’s going to be. I don’t have much control over the situation anyway.

No one can know for sure about these sorts of things any more than what happens after we die but I sure have been feeling like something really, really wants me to be hypo. The never-ending question is why. Just to take some of the joy out of my life? I know it’s not going to kill me anytime soon, whatever may be up there. I don’t know how I know but I just know I’m not going to have a heart attack, a stroke, or get cancer that can’t be treated anytime soon. I still think I’m going to end up killing myself someday because I’m either tired of suffering or because my husband dies or is dying. So while it’s great that I’m not going to get anything deadly anytime soon, the reasons behind this aren’t too thrilling. Yet I really feel like there’s something that wants me to live a long time so I can continue to suffer in some way or another, be it from a slew of things going on with me or the same old never-ending battles I’ve been fighting for years. My thyroid is going to be a problem all my life just like my teeth are. As soon as I get it relatively on track, something will throw things off again. Like I said, sooner or later I’m going to quit bothering to try.

It just pisses the fuck out of me when I think of all the undeserving assholes and nut jobs out there who have little more than an occasional cold while I have to suffer from one thing after another on top of the same old shit. Am I really that horrible of a person? Do I really deserve this? Why does it want me to be tired so much of the time and not feel so great emotionally? So I can’t be as active as I want to be? And if so, why??? Why does something up there want me to be hypo? Why? Why must I spend so much of my life tired?

I really thought I wouldn’t suffer until a matter of days, weeks, or maybe even months before my time was up. Not what’s going to end up being about a third of my fucking life. Besides feeling tired, cold and fat, my ear definitely needs to be cleaned. I feel the pressure that comes with it being gunked up. It seems to block my sinuses from draining properly and give me a slight headache. Of course my TMJ acts up as well. My head sort of has that feeling you get when you have a cold.

Again, no one knows for sure if there’s a God but if there is one that is actively involved in our lives and what happens to us, fuck you. Just fuck you for all the years of suffering you allowed me to endure. Fuck you for not doing more to make my life healthier and therefore happier. Fuck you for stealing my energy and my joy. Fuck you for limiting my activities. Fuck you for not giving a shit. Fuck you for my family’s shit. Fuck you for the sex and infertility shit. Fuck you for the happy healthy sex life I could have had. Fuck you for letting the freeloaders legally screw me over because I had something to say about their shit. Fuck you for the money woes. Fuck you for taking my bestie. And now … fuck you for trampling on my health and emotional well-being for the better part of a decade and for what’s no doubt the better part of two more decades to come.

Yeah, fuck you.