You know, Tom’s been very productive and helpful around here, but I still wish that I was number 1 and that his ma was number 2. I asked him for a Hitchhiker guide about a week ago and I still haven’t gotten that. Nor has he taken off the sides of Piggy’s old cage, which should take no time at all, so I can use it as an outdoor table.

Also, I’m really afraid I’m making a big mistake with this so-called compromise. He knows he’s not gonna cum 3 days in a row, and I’m afraid I’m only asking to be hurt and that I’ll just make a fool of myself. I still wish I knew why he does stuff like this. Why does he go and make promises he can’t keep? He’s gonna use his I-tried-but-just-could’t-get-off line as an excuse to cover for the truth. He knows better and this is a classic case here that’s got me really believing he enjoys playing with me and telling me what I want to hear, like never before.

Later...

That nagging feeling is still nagging at me. I’m just asking to be hurt. I just know it. I know he made a promise he couldn’t and wouldn’t keep and so does he. He just promised he’d cum that much to tell me what I want to hear to get me to go to the doctor. That’s all it is. Both he and God will see to it that he can’t cum or that he just doesn’t cum. There’ll be some excuse and Tom will say he’s hurt by me calling him a liar and claim it wasn’t his fault. I can see this whole thing played out. I know exactly how it’s gonna play out. For him to lie so boldly, makes me believe like never before, he’s looking forward to the reaction he’ll be expecting from me. And yes, I do intend to tell him everything I’ve written about it. Yes, I will call him a liar.

Really, I know I should not take my husband’s word at face value. No sir. Not this time. It’s all a lie. Just pure bullshit to get me off his back, so he can prove his point about timetables. So he can sweet-talk me into the appointment with what I want to hear.

Why doesn’t God want me to see that he won’t let us have a kid? I mean, I know it in my heart, gut and mind, but I want to see it. I want Tom to keep his promise, cum on the days he said he would, then see for myself that I’m right about God. I’m dreaming. I’m only kidding myself. Why did I set myself up to be hurt? I should’ve never gone along with this agreement. How could my own husband do this to me? How could he so boldly lie to me and stand there and tell me that he’s gonna stick to our agreement and that he promises it’ll happen and he’ll cum when we agreed he would? Oh, what did I get myself into?

I’ll be almost just as pissed if he only cums one of those days, cuz if a 31-year-old DES daughter stands the slightest chance of conceiving and changing God’s mind, one dose of his cum ain’t gonna do it. He’d need to cum 3 days in a row. At least.

Well, I can tell you this much. I know my husband’s lying. And as soon as I see so on the 17th - 19th, our sex life is over!

Andy’s getting phone pushy again. I told him when I got up at 11 AM, that I’d be busy all day today and didn’t want to spend a half-hour to an hour on the phone. Besides, I just talked to him. What does he do, though? Leaves a message saying I can call him now.

I just want him to let me know, as soon as he can, when’s the best time Marla can come over with her kids, so I can be ready. Brian’s 9, but that 3-year-old better not trash this place! Marla, though, is a rare breed of mother. I’m sure she’s taught her kids not to do things like this and if the 3-year-old does do something, she’d tell him no.

I also told Andy that Tom would more than likely be asleep, so they have to be quiet. Not whisper quiet, but not loud, either.

Later...

I forgot to mention that Lisa’s gonna be using the card I wrote her in Spanish for her Spanish class in school. She said her teacher said to bring in any Spanish letters anyone may get, for their class to translate.

I just had a funny 20-minute conversation with Ma. Tom’s mom, that is. Well, she was telling me that she thought her clothes looked better on her when she was fat and that she had to take everything in. 

That’s not fair! I told her I thought my clothes looked better on me when I was thin and how I needed to take me in. We were talking about how we wished we could see ourselves the way guys see themselves. They’re so much less self-conscious.

Anyway, an old friend of hers came to take her to a fancy Greek restaurant. She said she hadn’t been to a fancy restaurant in a long time. I told her we should go to the China Doll together. A fancy Chinese restaurant. I told her that if I had a car I’d come get her and she said that if she could drive she’d come get me.

Then we had a funny chat about religion. I told her that Tom told me what Christmas and Easter stood for and I told him that I never knew what it was all about. He said that I’d have no reason to, being Jewish. True. Then Ma was saying she didn’t know how the Easter bunny that delivers colored eggs got into it. Well, I don’t know what the dreidel has to do with Chanukah, either.

I was telling her how Jewish kids at the beach would see if they could get God to part the ocean like he was supposed to have done so with a sea for the Jews to escape the enemies. She said that when she was a kid, kids would see if they could walk on water like Jesus was supposed to have been able to.

I never heard that one before, but you know me, I think that most religious stories are just a bunch of tall tales.

Tom went over to his Ma’s house to take her to church, this Easter Sunday. Mary and Dave were there and Tom brought back the caps and connectors Mary had for me. Ma also sent some fruit juice back with him for me.

I went to call Tammy and Lisa answered. She said it was 70º, but that tomorrow it was to be 30º with a snowstorm. Typical New England. I still laughed at her, anyway. Tammy said she didn’t know if it was an April Fool’s joke by the meteorologist or what.

Tammy also said that she and Bill were out cutting wood for next winter. I reminded her that if she lived out here, she wouldn’t have to worry about that shit.

I think I’ll go call AOL and see what they say.

Later...

I would’ve done a lot more writing a lot earlier, but I spotted a bee in here, so I had to have Tom take care of that. There were also little spider tents set up along the outside patio ledge, so I raided those, then swept away their little campsite.

We were supposed to spend time together, but I guess he found a movie he’d rather see. Him and that TV, I swear. I think he watches more TV, than he does computer work, even though computers are his #1 thing.

I checked both Norwich and Springfield weather forecasts and Norwich doesn’t say anything about snow, but they’re to get a lot of rain. Same with Springfield, but Springfield is going to get snow on Tuesday. Their average high is gonna be between 32º-38º and their average low is gonna be between 25º-29º. I called Andy and left him a message about that, so he can laugh at them, while we have our dry, beautiful days of 80+º.

Now for some good news. I woke up at 104! Once again, though, as soon as I’d been up for about an hour, I was back to 106. You zigzag when you lose or gain weight. You tend to hit a lower number very briefly a few times, before holding down at it. Any time now, I’ll hold 104 for a while, though.

It feels so good to be off that Aerobid, which was such a big mistake. I don’t miss being so emotional and moody. I was moody at all times of the month. Now, here I am about 4 days away from my period and I feel fine. Yup, I’ve definitely felt the best overall, both physically and mentally since being out here. I know I’ll never have a child, but at least I feel so much more at peace and happier and content. I want to do more things that I really really want to do, but if I must only do what I’ve been doing for the rest of my life, it could be much worse. Anything’s better than my back-east life. Or moods of such depression where I feel I want to drop dead. I also know I’ll never have that full-time sex life, but again, things could be worse.

Later...

I didn’t know this, but Tom wanted sex right after the movie which ended a half-hour ago. Just as it ended, I went to listen to music for a half-hour, so we only had time for him to go down on me, but not to screw. If he wanted sex bad enough, he should’ve come and got me. My stereo’s not going anywhere, but you know how he is. He can do without.

And he thinks he’s gonna cum 2-3 days in a row like he promised? What a joke! Why does he make promises he can’t keep?

Still, I enjoyed his going down on me.

There’s an Oleander tree out back that Tom’s gonna kill cuz it’s poisonous. He says it could hurt Bunny if he chewed its leaves. Tom noticed Bunny chewing the bark of it for the first time, so he hacked a lot of it up and will finish killing it in the next couple of days, he says. Hopefully, that doesn’t really mean weeks or months.

We took pictures, too. I took one of the front of Piggy and Bunny’s cage as well as one from the side, so you can see how long it is. Then Tom took a couple of me in my new sundress, feeding the birds. All the other bird pictures I had taken didn’t have any of them eating off my hand while I was standing. I stood to the side a little, so the length of my hair could be shown, too. We also took a picture of Bunny and Piggy sitting side by side outside on one of the white plastic chairs, right by the flag. Then one of Bunny running across the yard.

We ran out of film before we could take one of Gizzy, but now that he’s awake, I’ll take his picture with the new roll we loaded. I wanted to shoot him running on his wheel. Meanwhile, we’re having two rolls developed. Some of these pics will be from when we went to CA.

Later...

It’s just about 9:00 and it feels like it’s around midnight, for some reason. Anyway, I want to write about a couple more things before I start unwinding and relaxing with the last book Ma gave me.

We shot some pictures of Gizzy, but we aren’t sure if they’ll come out OK. Shooting through the glass, probably created a nasty glare.

To my utter amazement, I haven’t heard those dogs, but I just now shut off the fan, so I’m sure I’ll hear them and need to turn it right back on. Although they are outside 24/7, they’re heard more in the daytime during the winter months and at night in the summer months. Nonetheless, there’s one more thing I’m going to do to attempt to get these dogs to shut up. Yes, I know it’ll do me no good. Yes, I know God will get me for it, but I feel the need to do this. Although anything’s better than the bass and although I almost never hear next door, I’m fed up with these dogs. I’ve been fed up with these dogs and since I don’t know anyone who’ll shoot them, the only thing I can think of is to slip a letter in the mailbox of that cop across the street. I know I should tell myself, hey, at least you’ve been able to sleep. There are worse places and worse noise than this, but it’s always one thing or another no matter where you live unless you live in a house that doesn’t have so many houses so close to each other. Aside from that dog that had that screaming, shrilly bark, I’ve never heard such fierce, loud, grating, obnoxious barking anywhere I’ve ever lived before. These dogs can be heard loud and clear throughout the whole fucking house. Having a peaceful day in the backyard is a dream. I can’t even hang up laundry in peace.

Now I know that this cop won’t do shit about it and I know that God will punish me for it like I said. And in the extremely unlikely event that the cop did do something about it, God will go and do something else, I’m sure. Bring back the bass, or whatever. I know I could be asking for worse trouble, but like I said, I feel I need to do this, even though I’ll get no results and I’ll get punished.

Naturally, I won’t tell Tom about it. He acts like all neighbors are saints who can do no wrong, and if they do, how dare you complain about them! He’s normally more sensitive than most women, let alone most guys, yet he once made the comment, “Those dogs don’t bother anyone.” 

Oh, so I don’t count? He never heard me say how much they bother me? He never heard that old lady Gloria say they bothered her when she bought something when we had our tag sale? Please!

Well, I basically got right to point in that letter to the cop. I said I didn’t want to give my name, cuz I didn’t want the people I was complaining about to know it was me making the complaint. I told him that I tried calling about this problem and that I just got the runaround. And how they said I had to have 3 other neighbors complain along with me and that I couldn’t remain anonymous. I told him that he wouldn’t hear the dogs as much as I do cuz of where his house is, but that it was horrendous and that I felt I had nowhere else to turn.

He’ll know it’s me. Somehow, someway, I just know it, but I hope to hell he doesn’t come to the door here.

Again, God is really gonna get me for this. I said it before and I’ll say it again: God may bless some that murder, but to him, my writing this complaint is a major no-no. I still have to do what I have to do. He can stop me from having a child, but he can’t stop me from writing this note.

Andy’s not the only one that’s having a problem with neighbors. From what he’s told me, he hasn’t had too many problems with other people’s noise. He’s a pothead and sleeps through anything. He’s about as much of a heavy sleeper as I was when I was on the “tranks.”

Some girl that lives in a nearby complex that’s one of God’s typical abusive moms, came over to ask to use his phone. He told her no, cuz he didn’t know her and he also had to leave soon for work. At that time, she was nice about it and even said, “God bless you, anyway.”

Then, he was cutting through her druggie, low-life complex cuz he used to know someone who lived there and she called to him. Then she called him all kinds of names, cuz she couldn’t use his phone and told him not to cut through “her” complex cuz of it. All this was at 1:00 in the morning, right in front of her 7-year-old son. Way to go, God! God really knows how to pick ‘em. Mothers, I mean. So, he didn’t say anything. He just let her get it out, then he returned home.

So, he wanted me to beat her up, cuz he felt she deserved to be knocked down a peg or two. Well, I agree. And I also agree that her son should be taken away from her.

I told Andy, though, that this drugged-up crazed bitch didn’t threaten him or do anything to him or to his property, so I’d just let it go. If she did try to hurt him or his house or car, that’d be different and yes, I’ll fight for him in that case. He asked me what I’d do and I told him that if someone yelled at me every now and then, OK. But if someone yelled at me all the time, or threatened me just once, just once, I’d be all over them at that point. Also, if someone tried to do something to our house or to Tom. Andy did bring up a point, though. He said that if I had been him, I’d have gotten so pissed that I’d have decked her. Then I thought about it and I realized - he’s probably right. Cuz that would’ve brought back some very uncool memories for me. As a rule, though, I like the other person to strike first, cuz then I have an honest, fair, legit and legal reason to swing back. If I had been in his shoes, though, I’d no doubt have said something like, “Yeah? You wanna fight about it?” And then if she had backed off, I’d have backed off. If she had swung, however, I’d be swinging back in a frenzy.

He said that at first he was angry when he went back home, sat out front, and thought about it. Then he felt pity for her.

Well, I hope he has no more encounters with this sick bitch, cuz then I will be over there to take care of it.

I got up at 7:30 and have done laundry and writing for the most part today.

Tom went to his mother’s this morning. She got an emergency medical alarm installed and he wanted to be there to make sure she’d be safe. Some sickos in this world like to go to old people’s places with stuff like that and rip them off. He said she used my name as her password. Wow! That’s nice. I told Tom to tell her I’m honored. I thought she’d use the names Ray, Evie, Nickolena or Parker. Or no name at all.

We screwed this morning and he just was not into it, but I got off. I reminded him that we made a compromise that we promised each other we’d do. I’d go to the doctor. He’d inject me 3 days in a row. He says, “It’ll happen. I promise you. I promise I’ll stick to our agreement.” 

Then why do I have a feeling that there’s no way in hell he could or even would stick to his end of the promise? And that he may just be telling me what I want to hear and maybe even playing games, too? If he can only cum once in 1-2 weeks, how’s he gonna cum 3 days in a row?! Well, I’ll just try my best to shut up about it, be as available and as relaxed as I can be till that time, and we’ll see what he does. It hasn’t been no 1-2 weeks lately, though. He hasn’t gotten off at all in the month of March and I think the last time he did get off was before my last period.

I reminded him that he’s supposed to say I’m great in bed cuz I’m his wife and he loves me, but I sure as hell feel like I suck in bed and that I wondered if he really felt that, too? If it’s true, that I suck in bed, he’s not gonna come out and tell me that. Still, he insists I don’t suck in bed, all’s fine, and that he will carry out his end of our promise. I sure hope so! When he said, “It’ll happen,” well, what he meant by that was either that he’d cum when he agreed he would, or that I’ll get pregnant, or both. Well, if he does cum when he promised and I’m not pregnant, that won’t be his fault. That’s on God. But this is the only way we can really prove me right or wrong, as I said before. It goes without saying that he can cum anytime he wants to, but I told him this - we agreed he’d cum on the 17th - 19th. But that’s only if I get my period on the 4th. If I get it on the 3rd, then, if he doesn’t cum on the 19th, that won’t be considered him breaking his promise. Watch. With my luck, I’ll get it on the 2nd. That’ll leave us only the 17th, after the appointment, to screw and that’ll end up being the wrong day, cuz I won’t be on a 28-day cycle that month. God will see to it. There’s no use crying over something like this, though, cuz if he came every day before, during, and after that time frame, God will make sure we don’t hook up all the same. Won’t you God?

Anyway, I’m just about 100% sure that he’ll either cum one or none of those days, and then say that I can’t say he deliberately broke his promise when he tried his best, but just couldn’t cum. Besides, we already know he hates timetables and that he swears that the best way is to not plan certain times to have sex. So, I’d think that all the more, he’s gonna be eager to use this to prove his point. His excuse is gonna be just this; he felt too pressured, tried his best, but I have no grounds to be upset or mad at him. Or maybe it’ll be something I did, but of course, he won’t tell me it was my fault. Just make me feel that it was and imply that it was.

Well, right now he’s out looking in an office store to see if he can find a package of odd-size envelopes to use for my father’s birthday card. Still, I have one I made up, in case he has no luck.

We ordered those new address labels today and therefore, I should get those around mid-May.

He’s home now, so we’ll see what he found. I wonder if he found new lights for the back room. I hope so. We need a brighter fluorescent light by the computer and we could use lights in the two dead ceiling fans back there. Of course, he’s gonna take the fans out.

Later...

Tom didn’t find any suitable envelopes, but he got a package of manila envelopes that’d be perfect for sending pictures in.

He got himself 5 game CDs and he’ll get a $10 rebate on that.

Well, it looks like I’m gonna finish the book I’m reading and then I’ll have just one more left to read.

Today turned out to be a pleasant day. No stupid fights or arguments.

The weather was gorgeous. A little hot, but now, it’s so nice. I still wish we had some nice outdoor furniture out there. The kind my folks would have for sure. I’d love a comfy, cushioned lounge chair and that comfy, cushioned rocker we once saw. And a table with an umbrella. We at least have two decent chairs out there that I keep far enough away from where the birds mainly hang out, so they won’t shit those up. You know me, though, always wanting stuff I either can’t have or can’t have for eons.

This weekend Tom and I will have enough fun, I’m sure, since nothing will need to get in our way now. I can’t say that it wouldn’t want to, though, but I hope not.

Is Tom ever gonna find a way to make my drawings not look so dark and hazy, so I can print out copies for Larry and Tammy? And find me a Hitchhiker guide? Probably not for quite a while. Norah was in episode 25 of The Hitchhiker called The Killer. I want a guide to when that episode will be on and on what channel.

I got a neat idea to make an outdoor table. The weather’s good at this time of year to be out there writing. As long as I’m shaded. We could take the sides off of Piggy’s old cage and I could use that.

Bunny was out running around outside earlier. We can tell when he needs to go out. When he gets pretty rambunctious, it’s time to let him out. Sometimes, he thinks he’s a dog and not a rabbit.

I decided it was finally time to play around with Bob, so I sent him a letter. Not from me, though. I said I was Andy and that Tom and Jodi were out to dinner and that I was just there to use the computer. I said that Jodi still cares about him and why she stopped writing to him. Of course, I mixed in some nonsense, too.

Tom was kind enough to pick up stamps today, so I sent Tammy, Bill, and the girls' cards out today, too.

Later...

I tried, yet again, to track down Paula and am having no luck. There’s one more with her last name that I’m gonna try calling in Enfield, CT. It’s been busy, though. She’s definitely got to be in jail. Something’s up, anyway. Whoever got the letter I sent to Liberty St. in Springfield, got the letter for sure, cuz it was never returned, but you know what I think? I think her friend moved out and didn’t leave a forwarding address so the next tenant got it. Paula’s the type that knows plenty of people, who like her, move around every few months and this person was probably too stupid to leave a forwarding address. Or they could’ve moved in with someone they knew or maybe they just don’t know how to write or don’t care to.

If she’s in jail, though, and if this person did get my letter, couldn’t they give it to her in jail so she could write to me? Well, I hope she’s alive and well out there, wherever she is.

Paula, are you out there? Are you OK?

I wonder what’s going on in the lives of Jessie, Jai, and Steve. I hope that they, too, are OK.

OK, let me go try this last possible number that I could get, but I’m sure they won’t be related to her and know who the hell she is. I wonder if she’d use her pre-adopted name, Viola C? I doubt that.

Later...

Well, forget that, too.

I also tried calling Clearwater, Florida for info. I believe she said her dad lives there, but I forgot his first name. And besides, they only had one listing and the last name was spelled slightly differently. I think this means it wasn’t meant to be and that I’ll just have to never talk to her again unless she contacts me or I find she’s got a listed number someday. I’ll check every few months, so I’ll check again around the first of July. Oh well, though. I can live without ever speaking to her again if I must.

I actually woke up at 105 pounds, but I knew that this was just the microscopic tip of entering 105 and that it would be a while before I held that steadily. I knew that if I just threw on my robe, I’d be back up to the 106 that I’ve been at for about 4 days now. I think this is it now, though, and that I’ll slowly lose the weight. I usually gain or lose in 2s, so next I’ll probably hang at 104 for a while. Not 105.

The proofreading of the Oswego and Woodside docs is done. Now I’ve jumped up to the first 180 pages or so of group 100-119, cuz it was at that point that I began to cap stuff with the macro Tom wrote. Then, I’ll get back in order from where I left off and will have 7 more groups to read. The groups, however, are pretty big. They range from about 150 pages to 400 pages.

Ever since we let Bunny outside, he’s been lying down. Guess it really wears him out, but he needs to do this and run around and get good exercise. It’s so cute how he constantly runs up to the side of the cage, when I walk by, for me to pat his head.

Gizzy’s upstairs asleep. So he does two things. He’s either asleep up in his burrow or awake downstairs on his wheel. I’m still surprised he doesn’t prefer to sleep in the trap that I’ve still got downstairs in the aquarium part. Well, Mary’s cage, as I call it, is roomier than that barely 1” wide trap. As long as he has a workable wheel, food, and a good burrow, he feels at home. He could escape easily, but that is his home now and he’s comfy there.

The $200 check from AMEX finally came today and now we can order those Snoopy and desert labels. And maybe Ma’s puzzles and some thriller paperbacks I picked out from a form in the back of one of the books. I’m now reading the second to the last of all the books Ma gave me. Then, I guess it’s time to go to the library. She doesn’t get books too often from this guy and usually, they’re not the kinds I like.

Last night I left Tom a message right before he got up, telling him I was tired and was gonna go lay down. Also, if I fell asleep, to wake me up if he wanted to have fun. The original plan was to screw when he got up. I did fall asleep, though, and he left a message that I got when I got up at 5 AM, saying he expected grief for it, but that he just couldn’t wake me up. He is a polite, thoughtful guy, but I’m sure another reason why he didn’t wake me up was cuz he just doesn’t get that horny and desperate like I do. I wasn’t mad at him, though. I was mad at myself, cuz I promised him we’d screw when he got up. And even if it doesn’t matter to him as much as it does to me, and even though he could take it or leave it, I still gave my word.

It’s very unusual for me to fall asleep after being up only 14½ hours and it still feels like something’s trying to make sure we don’t have sex that much. But why now? It’s perfectly safe now. There’s no way I could get pregnant now.

The other day, Tom was telling me of an anecdote he’d heard. About this couple who were trying to get pregnant and couldn’t. As usual, the woman was all freaked out about it, but the man handled it just fine. Then they went to a doctor who told them they’d tried their best, done all they could on their own, so in 3 months they would be put through testing. But before they could get tested, she was pregnant. Yeah, I’m not surprised. Most women with problems do win in the end and do end up pregnant, but not this woman. Oh no, not me. I’m not gonna be one of those typical women who wins in the end and gets the baby. It’s not meant to be. I think I heard stats say that 10% of women have problems conceiving and that 8% somehow, manage to conceive in time. Yeah well, I’m just in that 2% of those who don’t and can’t conceive in time.

I’ve said that maybe God knows something I don’t, and maybe he knows he’s gonna change his mind in time, but that was just pure wishful thinking. However, maybe there is something else he knows that I don’t. It hurt really bad for years, knowing I couldn’t be a singer, but I got over it. Maybe he knows I’m gonna get over the kid and even be content and glad that we never did have a kid, but did he have to make me suffer all these years? Well, I just hope that when the next thing comes along that I want real bad, it won’t hurt. And if it does hurt, try not to make it be for so many years, OK God?

Later...

Just when I was thinking, wow, those dogs have been quiet all morning, the kids get out there and stir the fucking dogs up. I don’t mind the kids, but they fucking excite the dogs and then I have to deal with that all the more.

We screwed after he got home from work. Naturally, he was too tired to get off, though, cuz it was the end of his day. Oh well. Maybe tonight.

I sometimes still wonder if he doesn’t actually enjoy people waiting on him and if he’s still making sure he doesn’t cum that much. I asked him if he’s still gonna stick to our compromise and he said yes. Does he even realize, though, that part of this compromise means cumming during mid-cycle? And not just 1 day, but for 3 days? It’s the only way we’re ever gonna either prove or disprove my belief.

Anyway, he was my hero this morning. I accidentally replaced the Elm doc with another copy of my Oswego doc. So, he showed me how to restore it from the floppy disk I backed it up on. I was wrong, though, when I said I thought you’d have to search through each disk to find out where a particular file is. It tells you what disk it’s on by giving you the disk number.

There was a good God with me this time, though! I had just changed all my entry dates in the Elm file when I told myself I should back it up just in case. Just 5 minutes later was when I lost it cuz of the dumb mistake I made.

Anyway, if Dr. Bock gets a readable PAP, it’ll be for two possible reasons. She either knows what she’s doing, or it was cuz we didn’t screw for a few days prior to it. Yes, there’s always a price to pay for sex. Always a problem with it. God’s really hexed my sex life in all different kinds of ways from the get-go of it. If she gets a bloody PAP, that too, could be for two possible reasons. She, too, doesn’t know what she’s doing, or God’s just playing around with me and giving me a hard time. That’d be really low of him. If you’re gonna have the cruelty to sterilize a woman, can’t you at least let her have normal paps and let her go to the GYN just once a year and not 2 or 3 times? Jesus!

To expand on the subject of signs. Well, I think Gemini and Leo women are the biggest assholes. My bitchy sister is a Leo. So was Rosemarie. Also, Andy’s sign is very fitting for him. You know, Aqueerian, as he says.

Later...

I just called Ma (Tom’s), as I do every now and then, just to say hi. Someone was there measuring the room, cuz she’s getting new carpet for her living room and kitchen area which is shaped like an L. I thought Tom was gonna put down new carpet? They had talked about it. She said, though, that she felt that was too much to ask of him and that he does enough for enough people. Ain’t that true! I have a feeling, though, that Tom’s not gonna be happy about this. He likes to do stuff like this and he wouldn’t mind steady work for a few days, on top of all else he does. How do I feel about it? Well again, he likes the work and doesn’t mind the extra time and money, but I think it’d steal our already precious time, so I have mixed emotions about it. Still, that was sweet of her to consider this and since she’s the one being recarpeted, she has to do what she thinks is best and what’ll make her happy.

I think I forgot to mention that I had told my sister I had a bad vibe pertaining to her and her family but didn’t know who or any details. Then, Bill was hospitalized, cuz he couldn’t stop puking. He’s been out of the hospital since last week. Is God ever gonna give that family a break, too? My whole side of the family is cursed in one way or the other. It isn’t just me.

Anyway, today Tom was gonna come home from work (he isn’t home yet), then we were both going to go take Mom to the doctor for an EKG, then bring her home, then come home ourselves. Originally, Nora was gonna take her, but then Tom told me yesterday that she couldn’t take her, so he would and I was welcome to come along.

At first I was thinking to myself, God must’ve said, “No. Nora’s not the one I want mainly taking care of her. It’s Tom I want. I’ve got to keep him busy enough and make sure they don’t reproduce.” Not like we can now, anyway. I couldn’t believe that Nora of all people was helping her with anything.

Then I got mad at myself for thinking, “We’ve got to take our child to the doctor. Just another way of making sure Tom and I have no time this morning to screw.” Then I realized we did screw yesterday, he’d be too tired to after working all night, and that I was being selfish. I mean, this is a sweet lady that I love dearly and if I were in her shoes, I’d want someone I knew and trusted to help me, too.

So, she called about 15 minutes ago to tell me that Nora was going to be taking her after all and to tell Tom he didn’t need to take her. I told her we were both gonna take her. Then she said, “Oh darn,” in a disappointed voice, as soon as she knew I was to be going along with Tom. I realized again, wow, she really does love to see me. So, she said she still wanted to see me some other time and that she still intended to come over here to see the house and my artwork.

Then I told Ma that my schedule varies, but that I’m now on days, so maybe real soon she can come over. She then said she never could do that and that she had a set schedule. I told her I envied her and that I don’t do this by choice, but that I still get done what’s got to be done as best I can, no matter when I’m up. She was so accepting of it. She never once thought that was weird or told me I should do something about it and I told her that one of the many things I love about Tom is that you’ve gotten me to see that that’s just how I am, even though I’d still change it if I could, and she agreed.

Last night I called Mary, cuz I wanted to tell her all about how I’ve set up Gizzy’s cage. Gizzy is using the second floor more so and at first, I was afraid he’d ignore it, but right now he’s asleep up in the burrow.

So, I told Mary that now that my mug collection was just about over, I wanted to get tubes and little by little build a maze for Gizzy. I asked about prices on tubes and if they came with connectors and caps. Then she said she had extra connectors and caps and that she’d put together a bag for me and then all I’d have to do is buy tubes. 

That was so nice of her!

She then asked if Tom were up and I told her that he wasn’t. She said she never knew when he was up or not. I told her it varied. Then she asked me when I slept. I told her, “Call it a problem, call it weird, but my schedule varies.” Then she said that there was nothing wrong with that. Again, I thought, what a family!

I forgot to mention something else Andy and I talked about yesterday that was kind of funny. Well, he was going on and on about how the Gemini women he knows, can be loving and caring but are mostly vicious bitches who’ll spite their own selves just to spite others. I told him he was describing my mother perfectly. Then he asked if she was a Gemini. I told him she was, and he said that that’s so fitting for a woman like her to be a Gemini.

To expand more on the compromise Tom and I made. Well, I know that no matter what we do or how often we do it, a child isn’t meant to be, but in exchange for me getting another PAP done (one more time only!), we can make the time to screw during mid-cycle. That’s sweet of him, but it won’t work if he doesn’t cum and as long as God says no to our having a kid. I’ll just go along with this, though, even though it’s a pointless waste of time. I do like sex, though!

He hasn’t cum at all in March and now I’m starting to wonder if he’s back to his days of not cumming. And also, if it could have to do with the potential visit coming up with my folks. He says life still goes on and we still have to do what we’ve got to do, but deep down, he may want to wait till after the visit, to avoid any possible conflict with that and so that I’m not hit with too much at once. Well, if they really are coming, God knows it. And also, if God does have it in our cards to grant us a kid, he ain’t gonna do so before they get here. No way. I don’t know how or why I know this, but I just do.

Well, I think it still all comes down to fate. It doesn’t matter if and when he cums and how much when fate is fate and a kid isn’t part of our fate. If it is a part of our fate, if it’s a part of anyone’s fate, God says when. Not people. God’s the one that creates or doesn’t create life.

I didn’t put this together during my early to mid-20s, but back when I was having constant yeast infections, it was mostly when I was fooling around with women. Now I know that that was his way of saying he didn’t want any women down there and he was cursing my privates for it. It was like a symbol he put there as a sign telling me that what I was doing was wrong for me and why he didn’t prevent me from being with a woman in the first place, beats me. Of course, I didn’t know any of this at the time, as I said before.

Well, if there’s anything about God that’s out of character when it comes to dealing with me, it’s that he hasn’t done anything serious to my female parts. Why hasn’t he? You’d think he would, to symbolize and remind me who owns and operates my plumbing (not that I need it). In a way, I wouldn’t be surprised if the bloody PAPs were from sex. Leave it to God to compensate me like that. Cuz he lets me have sex with someone I love, I have to pay for it with bloody PAPs. There’s always a price to pay for any sex I have. It’s either infrequent. Not mutual. Not making a baby, etc. There’s always a problem with it and I just wish he’d stop hexing my sex life and sex parts and controlling them (and Tom) and leave us alone.

Andy told me all about his adventure.

First, though, it looks like Gizzy does like his 2nd floor. I was beginning to wonder if he’d ever go up to it, cuz he’s so stuck on his wheel when he’s not asleep, but he goes and rests at the top of the tube. I don’t think he explores much in the cage up there, but that’s OK. Now that my mug collection is pretty much over, my new collection will be collecting tubes for him and building a maze for him to enjoy.

Tom said he was surprised he didn’t try to escape when it’d be so easy for him to do that now. I knew he wouldn’t. Not as long as he has his wheel.

We screwed this morning, but neither of us got off. We still enjoyed it, though. It looks like he’s putting more effort into us having more sex, but I also know that it’s bound not to last.

Still, despite any of my bad days, I do have a wonderful life and a man most women would kill for and that I’d die without. I made sure Tom knows that just cuz I get upset over not having a baby, it doesn’t detract from any of the good things I do have. It doesn’t lessen my love for him. It doesn’t lessen my love for my animals. Or my hobbies and it doesn’t cause me to not thank my folks and God that I live in Arizona.

Yesterday, I was pissed at this shit with Dr. Rugg. It made me wonder if she might not know what she’s doing. She’s the only one who keeps getting bloody paps, which is what the call was all about. Tom brought up a good point, though. Maybe it’s cuz since we’ve been having sex and since he’s got a big dick, that it’s causing this, but why don’t I spot at the wrong times then? This blood, if that’s the case, has to go somewhere.

I also didn’t appreciate her bringing up a subject I wasn’t ready to discuss and didn’t know if I would be ready to discuss.

I agree with Tom that if we had been having a normal amount of sex, then it’d be time to bring it up and get the ball rolling as far as seeing what could be done to help us. But since we have less sex than most couples, it’d be better to wait till the sex is up to a regular amount, then discuss it with a doctor. Of course, I don’t see sex regularly and a kid happening on its own, but Tom was also right when he reminded me of other things I said I didn’t see that I did end up seeing. Well, I hope I eat my words again.

The nurse also said that Vanceril should not cause any weight gain.

Tom made me feel better about the whole thing and then he said something that really touched me. About how my feelings and actions about this whole thing are perfectly normal. For once, a normal thing about me, huh? In fact, he thinks I’m quite normal enough. How sweet of him. It still seems, though, that when I am normal, it’s in the wrong kind of way. I don’t want to have to have the “normal” feelings that go with not being able to have a child. I’d rather the child, instead.

So, we’re kind of compromising here. I made an appointment with a Susan Bock for a PAP on April 17th. I’ll be mid-cycle then. We’re not going to screw for about 4 days before that, in case the bleeding is from sex. But then that still leaves us time for fun in the right time frame. I’m kind of trying to have the relaxed attitude that he does and get off the counting, planning and worrying trip. He understands, though, that that’s just what women in my case do, though, and he even says that if he has to change some of his ways, without me changing mine, he’ll do so. That was very nice of him, but I sure as hell wish I could go about this whole thing with the attitude, actions and feelings of a man.

So, the lady I made the appointment with said that some people who have seen Rugg for years are much happier with this Susan Bock. Well, I hope I am, too. Rugg is a very nice lady, but I still don’t know if she really knows what she’s doing and I don’t want to be put on the spot again with her rehashing the temperature chart/baby thing. It’s still pointless now. If we have sex more often and he gets off more often, then that’d be a whole different thing. Or, if we’re unable for whatever reason, to up the fun and his getting off cuz then we’d have to think of a way around the situation.

Once again, though, if all I must ever do is not have a baby, it sure beats being without Tom and my old life back East.

Marla’s coming in next Tuesday with her sons for a few days and I hope to see her while she’s here. Laura will be staying elsewhere while they’re here. Then, at the end of April, Andy will need to be a house guest here for 3 days, while Laura has company visit her. I told him that I’m sure that’ll be no problem.

About his adventure. Well, God saved him from being electrocuted, he says. It was about 3 AM. He was super tired. Then he heard water running and was too tired to go investigate it. So he just crashed, and then 5 hours later there was a knock on his bedroom window. He figured it was Laura and that she’d just lost her keys. He still didn’t give a damn, was too tired, and went back to sleep. Then the knocking began again. So he got up, went to the door, and it was his neighbor Stephanie. There are two carports in between their two houses and when he went outside, he saw that the carports were flooded with water. It was coming from their storeroom. He and Laura just bought a washer and a dryer from one of Laura’s friends and it was the cause of this. So, he opened the door, got sprayed with a hose and in daylight, he could see that the light, as well as outlets, were drenched, so he could see not to touch anything. Then he opened the dryer door and since it was dark in there, he reached in to feel if there was water in there. There was, cuz he got zapped. Nothing serious, though. So, Stephanie showed him how to shut off the water. Then, after he got to thinking about it, he realized that God made sure he was tired. Too tired to check it out, so that he could be saved from being electrocuted. He said that if he had gone to check it out in the dark, his first impulse would’ve been to reach for the light and he’d be dead now.

That’s cool and I’ve had similar experiences myself, so I believe in this kind of thing. Yes, I believe there’s some good in God, but I still believe he’s mostly cruel and unfair. God must not be too enthusiastic about winning me over. They say he’s a jealous God who wants to have as many people as he can, like and respect him. Give me a child, God, then I’ll love and respect you.

I forgot to mention earlier, that believe it or not, I’ve been hanging at 106 pounds today. I’m sure that’s only cuz I slept around 12 hours. Something I rarely do. And also, I’ll be right back up to 108 soon enough. Maybe even higher.

Also, the Humane Society sent 4 beautiful animal cards as a gift for sending them $15 (2 cats and 2 dogs). But they obviously screwed up, cuz they sent the same 4 cards twice. That’s fine with me, though, and I’ll send one to my folks, Larry, Kim, Andy, Lisa, Becky, Sarah and Tammy & Bill.

I still haven’t found out what Andy’s adventure was all about. He called earlier to have me look something up in the TV Guide for him, but then he was off to bed. He said he’ll tell me about it some other time and that all he could say was that there’s definitely a God and that he’s alive cuz of him. Well, I’m glad he’s happy with God, as was the only thing Tom would tell me about it.

Yesterday I was so fucking furious. I hit 109! What the fuck is going on? So, God’s gone and taken that too, huh? The right to lose weight? It fucking figures. What else is he gonna take? Is gonna take Tom, too? He’s taken enough! And the day before yesterday, I managed to hang at 106 all day. So, what was it? Just a tease from God? Did he want me to think I was about to lose weight? Well, what’s the point of exercising if all I’m gonna do is gain weight from it?

Anyway, in about 5 hours I’ll be calling Rugg’s office to see what the hell is going on, but I have a hell of a feeling that I’m not gonna find out why I’ve gained weight, let alone be able to do something about it. And Robin said not to bother losing weight and that I wouldn’t be losing weight for a while? I guess she was right on that one.

In the end, my body, my life, is all up to God. I’m sure I’ll have no choice, but to gain the weight and live with it. It’s not over. I know it’s not. I’m gonna keep right on gaining.

I just hope to hell it’s nothing to do with my thyroid, cuz if I’m right, you have to take medication for that for the rest of your life. I hope it’s just a simple infection that’s caused the extra weight gain and water and that antibiotics will clear that up and then God will let me lose weight. I know that’d be too good to be true, though. Am I ever gonna return to the days when I go for a PAP just once?

We went to screw yesterday morning and for the third goddamn time, this sexual fuck up couldn’t even get Tom in there. This is the third time in a row! Is something trying to tell me something? To quit sex? Well, yesterday couldn’t have been about something trying to stop us from making a baby, cuz yesterday was too late for that. You know, I really wish that something would just corrupt itself in me so that I could have a hysterectomy. Why the hell not? I know exactly why God hasn’t ordered me a hysterectomy and I guess that if he hasn’t by now, he never will. But why put the extra work on himself when there are 6 billion people to deal with and have to make sure each month that we miss it when he could do something to take away my parts? Just to tease me. It’s all just to tease me. Each month, in his eye, I’m wondering and hoping he’ll have a heart, change his mind and just let us have the kid only to laugh at me each month when I see that he hasn’t changed a bit.

Later...

Tom came home after being up for over 24 hours, but he promises we can spend time together tomorrow. And of course, I hope that goes well, without and dumb-ass arguments.

It’s a good thing I didn’t fall asleep sooner than I did yesterday. I was in bed, getting close to sleep when I heard the bass. The first thing I thought was how that would’ve definitely woken me up if I had been asleep. And that I was gonna go over there next door and put an end to it for good. It wasn’t them, though. It was that druggie that passes up and down a few times about once or twice a week.

The trailer people haven’t been around for 2-3 weeks, but it looks like I may have lucked out and that they do give a shit about others. Time will tell, but at first I thought they gave the guy that lives there their dog just to piss me off. People would do something like that, too.

In a half-hour, I’ll find out what the hell’s going on with me. I’m also gonna call Ma, as Tom asked. Oh yeah. She comes, too. Tom’s got the two of us to look out for and he said to wake him up if either of us needs anything.

I thought of and began and great and well-organized backup plan. As I said, I have my BMP files which will rarely change. I have my DOC files and then a disk for each day of the week so I can back up the day’s work. Well, there are some things I will back up here and there, besides the day’s work. So, I picked out my journal files and 8 things that I may change/update periodically, and here’s what I did. Well, I don’t need to back up all my files. Not stuff like my letter files and other stuff that’s not so important to me. But I stuck the following 8 things on one disk. Edits, grocery list, period chart, phone numbers, journal chart, CD/tapes, and cover info.

Then, I took each of my groups of journals and put them each on their own disk. That way, if the Oswego St. file gets corrupt, for example, I don’t have to try to figure out which disk it’s on. I’ve finished proofreading the Oswego St. journal group. Therefore, it’s backed up, won’t be changed, and is set for life. I’m almost done with the Woodside group and when it’s done, I’ll back that up permanently, too. So, as I get each journal group as I want it to be, I’ll back them up and then I’ll just keep backing up the daily stuff and any of those 8 things I periodically change.

Yesterday morning, Tom helped to show me a new way to back up my stuff in my directory onto floppy disks. I have 4 sets of disks and he gave me a box to put them in. One is my BMP files. Those are my pictures and drawings. I only have 1 set of those, cuz it’ll be very rare that we back these up, cuz it’s not like we’re constantly scanning in drawings of mine or that I’m constantly getting pictures of Gloria from the web. Then I have 2 sets of disks to back up my DOC files. I’ll rotate between these 2 sets and back these up every month. Lastly, I have 7 disks and have decided to do what a lot of businesses do. I have a disk for each day of the week and I’ll back up just the day’s work on a daily basis.

What prompted me to do this was cuz one of my current DOC files that I’ve been using corrupted on me. Tom tried to retrieve it, but couldn’t, but it turns out that I didn’t lose much and don’t have much to type. I had most of it in another file.

Tom felt hurt that I accused him of messing with it and I felt bad, too. I guess I should’ve trusted him and known it wasn’t his style to do something like that. He and I both call me paranoid, but I just heard someone on TV say that it’s really a case of heightened awareness. It’s just the timing. This happened right after a fight and to just 1 file. The one I use the most. I don’t know what to really believe. Anything’s possible, but I hope I can trust him and that he really never would do something like that to me.

I also built Gizzy a second floor yesterday after he got me squared away on the computer and left to go do work for Evelyn. I put a piece of Plexiglas over half of the top of his cage. Then I put Piggy’s wooden burrow on it that that damn rabbit chews the hell out of and placed the cage that Mary gave me on top of it. Then I took all his tubes and ran them from Mary’s cage down into the aquarium. There are gaps that would allow him to jump out if he really wanted to, but as long as he has his wheel, the one he can work, he shouldn’t escape. Now, though, he has more space to explore. I haven’t seen him running up and down too much, cuz he spends the bulk of his time on his wheel when he’s not asleep.

Anyway, I think it looks really neat with Gizzy’s cage set up the way it is and I think he’ll like it.

Later...

God, I hate being depressed! And that’s exactly what I am right now. I just wish I knew if it was cuz of my life or cuz of the Vanceril or both. Am I ever gonna be happy and basically stay that way? I mean, sometimes I am happy and just when I’ve decided that I can live without a full-time sex life or a kid, I want to cry out, put up my fists, and fight God for these things. I’m always wanting the impossible, though, and trying to fight only gets me in trouble, as well as nowhere.

I said some sex is better than no sex and I’m sure that most people would take part-time sex over no sex, but I just can’t. I’ve got to have a full-time sex life as well as a full-time marriage. I’m so horny all the time.

My schedule was as screwy as it is now when I knew Brenda and Kacey, yet we managed to have sex nearly every day. This tells me something. This tells me that maybe my husband doesn’t want a full-time sex life or a child as much as he says he does. I’m sure he has his reasons, but I’m just sick of this shit! I just can’t get used to it or accept it.

I never seriously wanted to cheat on him, but what if I do want to someday? I don’t want to ever feel like I want to do something wrong like that, just cuz my husband says he’s horny, too, all the time, says he wants to have more sex, and says we will have more sex. Besides, all I’d get is butches. My being married and having part-time sex doesn’t mean that there are suddenly more feminine gay women out there that’d want me, another fem and that it’d be OK with God. If it wasn’t OK with God and to be for me when I was single, then it sure as hell isn’t now, either.

I just wish I could go back to the days before my peak sexual years and not be so horny.

I know I’ve said this before, but I should just tell Tom that I want us to have no sex, since we can’t have full-time sex, I’ll be more independent, and not expect him to have to take care of me sexually. He did say, too, that he didn’t want to have to take care of me and I know his heart just isn’t in it as much as mine. Or else he’d find a way. Oh, his heart is in it, but only about once a week or two. Also, if we cut out all sex, I won’t have to hope for it, only to be bummed when he says no, cuz he’s tired. Maybe he wouldn’t be so tired if he stopped doing so much for others. I still feel that sometimes, what he can do for others comes before what he can do for us, and having sex.

Cutting out sex is what I need to do and what I should do. What I want is for him to come to me and tell me he’s got this bright new idea that he’s 1000% sure will result in more sex and a kid. Then see that he was right.

I’m only a silly dreamer. Over and over again.

I keep asking myself if God could have it in our cards to find a way to have more sex and a kid in time and if it hasn’t been time yet, but I can’t see why or how that could be. I wish I could, though.

I wish I could tell him all I feel and just write, but that’d only accomplish two things. The first thing it would accomplish would be a fight. And the other thing it’d accomplish would be nothing.

I just don’t know what to do. Should I cut out sex completely? Or keep the part-time sex? I know Tom won’t agree with me cutting out the sex. If I didn’t cut out the sex, Tom would be happy. Meanwhile, I still wouldn’t be, cuz I want it full-time. I don’t want to talk about full-time sex, think about it, write about it, I want to do it. But we can’t, so, how do we find a happy medium we both can agree on? Perhaps we can’t. Perhaps the only two choices are his way or no way. And again, he says full-time is his way, but we’ve very rarely had it full-time, so I call part-time his way, cuz I know he’d surely prefer that over no way. Anyway, I guess the only two choices are gonna be part-time or no-time and now I have to figure out which one would be best and try to stick to it. With any luck, I’ll live out my life going back and forth between wanting to take the part-time and then the no-time, all the while I dream of the full-time.

I don’t know if it’s best to do the agreement I mentioned and typed up or not. I don’t see how it could work. I’m afraid it’d just cause trouble. The other day Tom said he was ready to let a kid happen naturally. Yeah, that’s what we’ve both been saying for about 3 years now, even though he only began cumming 9 months ago. He also says that 9 months isn’t enough time to try. I see what he means, given the fact that he only cums about once or twice a month, but if he could cum 20 times a month, I hope he won’t be saying in the year 2000 that we still haven’t given it enough time.

What if this is another one of those double standards cases? Meaning, just cuz God will allow most women to conceive in a few months, maybe he expects us to fight tooth and nail for it and work our asses off. Like that’d be possible for us to do? And again, I would do that for the fun of it, anyway, but would he? Could he?

I just want freedom from always being horny and wanting sex. As well as freedom from wanting a kid. If I could just give up these things and not bother to try for a second or do anything to get these things, maybe I would feel better. Cuz then there’d be nothing to try for and hope for, only to fail and get bummed about it. I’m really sick of being a dreamer and a failure.

Maybe there’s a medication I could and should take that’d numb my feelings and desires and curb my sexual appetite. They have things to curb hunger, they should have things to curb horniness.

Well, I can’t make Tom have more sex and take care of my sexual needs, but I think that when and if the day comes that we both want more sex, not just say we do, we’ll find a way to do it. This is one of those things that if it’s a mutual thing and a desire, there’s a way.

It’s sweet of Tom to tell me he loves me for who I am and is very happy with the person I am, but I still feel like an incompetent, abnormal, incomplete, freaky fool. A confused, empty loser. And I shouldn’t feel any of these things. I should just enjoy what I do have.

For the millionth time, why does God want me the way I am? Why does he feel this is best and right for me? If he is truly testing me, how much longer is this gonna go on? How’s it gonna end? Why won’t he let me move on? And if he ever does let me move on, what’s he gonna let me move on to?

Maybe I should turn this into one of my games. We’re almost at month 10 of missing it, let’s see if we can make it an even year. Forget it, cuz that’d be no problem, therefore, not very challenging at all.

Yesterday ended with a good ending after all. We did end up screwing, believe it or not, but naturally, God made sure he didn’t cum, cuz yesterday was much more than likely the day I should’ve been most fertile. And it always goes without saying, that that’s if I’m OK.

Something weird happened after I took my temperature and saw that I was 98.7. I took it again and it read 97.8. I think maybe the thermometer’s a bit screwy, but nonetheless, I know that whatever day I’m to be ovulating, if I do, we won’t be having sex those days. If we do have sex those days, he won’t cum.

I still don’t know how serious Tom is about anything. I mean, he denies it, but I still feel that he’s trying to instill patience in me and that he sometimes punishes me. Maybe I’m just paranoid, but he keeps saying things and doesn’t put his actions where his mouth is. If we can have a full-time sex life, instead of a part-time sex life, if it’s so possible, then why haven’t we? Maybe because regardless of what Tom says, I don’t think it’s that worth it to him and whatever’s up there won’t allow it.

So like an idiot who knows how to quit but doesn’t know how to stay quit, I made a stupid and impossible agreement with Tom. For the rest of March and throughout April, we’ll just have sex whenever. Then, in May, we’ll pick out the 3 likeliest days I should conceive and we’ll screw those days. Guess what, though? This isn’t gonna work unless he cums. We’re gonna be real damn lucky if he can get off on just one of the days we pick and of course, God will make sure it’s the wrong one. I want him to have fun and get off during those wrong times, too, and be happy, but will God ever just give us a break, let us hit it right, have what we want, and leave us alone? No. Of course not.

Speaking of God not leaving me the fuck alone, that dreaded call finally came. I got up too late to call back, but the message was from Rugg’s office saying she had some lab results for me. Great! Just what I fucking need. I’m so sick of these female exams having to be a repetitious thing every time I go. Can’t it just be done and over with in one shot? Tom says it’s too late to be anything really bad. Meaning, they’d have called sooner if it were bad. He thinks it’s either an infection or maybe something’s wrong with my thyroid. Or maybe I’m anemic. Who gives a shit! I just want to be left alone. I’m tired of God controlling my body and I’m not going in there again. What? Was Andy right after all, when he said I had some kind of infection along a wall? Well, I’m sure God planned to have my schedule as it is, so I could wonder about this all weekend. I hope it’s something simple like me needing antibiotics if there’s anything wrong. Her tone of voice didn’t sound too pleased. Tom said it sounded like an "it's it’s-Friday-I-want-to-get-the-hell-out-of-here" voice. 

At only 1-something in the afternoon?

Anyway, I still haven’t talked to Andy to find out what his adventure was all about, but I’m sure I will talk to him soon enough.

On the brighter side of things, I just might be starting to lose weight after all, and just maybe, I do have some control leftover this body of mine. I’d rather be a fat mom, but since I’ll never be, I may as well try to look my best.

All I can do, though, is think of that dream, but Tom’s right. If they were gonna call me up cuz something was wrong where I needed a hysterectomy or something that’d prove me sterile, they’d have already done so.

If I have an infection downstairs, Tom said that that could be from a tiny amount of bacteria on his dick that got up in me. Rugg did say men are pigs, but anyway, if I’ve got an infection down there, I wonder if that’s got anything to do with how bloated I’ve been, although it’s improved a smidgen since I’m off the Aerobid and doing crunches. I don’t think I’ve felt any symptoms of any infections, but that could also explain the dizzy spells I’ve had. I haven’t had any of those for about a week now.

If only she could tell me I was pregnant and that the reason why the pregnancy test we did didn’t say so was cuz we took it too soon and the reason why I got a period is cuz that happens sometimes and it’s common for women to have early pregnancy bleeding. I’m such a silly little dreamer, aren’t I?

Why does God have to give me physical problems? Can’t he just give me the baby instead? Or if he has to get me physically, can’t he give me the kid first, then get me physically?

Anyway, back to the weight. For about a month or two now, I’ve been weighing a steady 108. And sometimes I wake up at 106, pop a vitamin, have some coffee, then weigh 108. That’s how slow my metabolism was. Well, today, for the first day in ages, I’ve been a steady 106 even after eating and I’m now a good 6 hours into my day.

When Tom gets up in a few hours, I’m sure God will allow him to cum then. It’s too late now. It’s right before the egg has popped out that you want to get injected. Yeah well, that egg popped out a good 24-48 hours ago.

I forgot to mention that Tom brought home a calculator from work. It has a pad and purple pen in its case too, as well as a clock, but the pen was dead. He also brought home one of those plastic things that cling to windows. Like the Chanukah decorations Ma had sent a couple of years ago, only this one’s a sunshade for cars.