Yesterday morning, Tom helped to show me a new way to back up my stuff in my directory onto floppy disks. I have 4 sets of disks and he gave me a box to put them in. One is my BMP files. Those are my pictures and drawings. I only have 1 set of those, cuz it’ll be very rare that we back these up, cuz it’s not like we’re constantly scanning in drawings of mine or that I’m constantly getting pictures of Gloria from the web. Then I have 2 sets of disks to back up my DOC files. I’ll rotate between these 2 sets and back these up every month. Lastly, I have 7 disks and have decided to do what a lot of businesses do. I have a disk for each day of the week and I’ll back up just the day’s work on a daily basis.

What prompted me to do this was cuz one of my current DOC files that I’ve been using corrupted on me. Tom tried to retrieve it, but couldn’t, but it turns out that I didn’t lose much and don’t have much to type. I had most of it in another file.

Tom felt hurt that I accused him of messing with it and I felt bad, too. I guess I should’ve trusted him and known it wasn’t his style to do something like that. He and I both call me paranoid, but I just heard someone on TV say that it’s really a case of heightened awareness. It’s just the timing. This happened right after a fight and to just 1 file. The one I use the most. I don’t know what to really believe. Anything’s possible, but I hope I can trust him and that he really never would do something like that to me.

I also built Gizzy a second floor yesterday after he got me squared away on the computer and left to go do work for Evelyn. I put a piece of Plexiglas over half of the top of his cage. Then I put Piggy’s wooden burrow on it that that damn rabbit chews the hell out of and placed the cage that Mary gave me on top of it. Then I took all his tubes and ran them from Mary’s cage down into the aquarium. There are gaps that would allow him to jump out if he really wanted to, but as long as he has his wheel, the one he can work, he shouldn’t escape. Now, though, he has more space to explore. I haven’t seen him running up and down too much, cuz he spends the bulk of his time on his wheel when he’s not asleep.

Anyway, I think it looks really neat with Gizzy’s cage set up the way it is and I think he’ll like it.

Later...

God, I hate being depressed! And that’s exactly what I am right now. I just wish I knew if it was cuz of my life or cuz of the Vanceril or both. Am I ever gonna be happy and basically stay that way? I mean, sometimes I am happy and just when I’ve decided that I can live without a full-time sex life or a kid, I want to cry out, put up my fists, and fight God for these things. I’m always wanting the impossible, though, and trying to fight only gets me in trouble, as well as nowhere.

I said some sex is better than no sex and I’m sure that most people would take part-time sex over no sex, but I just can’t. I’ve got to have a full-time sex life as well as a full-time marriage. I’m so horny all the time.

My schedule was as screwy as it is now when I knew Brenda and Kacey, yet we managed to have sex nearly every day. This tells me something. This tells me that maybe my husband doesn’t want a full-time sex life or a child as much as he says he does. I’m sure he has his reasons, but I’m just sick of this shit! I just can’t get used to it or accept it.

I never seriously wanted to cheat on him, but what if I do want to someday? I don’t want to ever feel like I want to do something wrong like that, just cuz my husband says he’s horny, too, all the time, says he wants to have more sex, and says we will have more sex. Besides, all I’d get is butches. My being married and having part-time sex doesn’t mean that there are suddenly more feminine gay women out there that’d want me, another fem and that it’d be OK with God. If it wasn’t OK with God and to be for me when I was single, then it sure as hell isn’t now, either.

I just wish I could go back to the days before my peak sexual years and not be so horny.

I know I’ve said this before, but I should just tell Tom that I want us to have no sex, since we can’t have full-time sex, I’ll be more independent, and not expect him to have to take care of me sexually. He did say, too, that he didn’t want to have to take care of me and I know his heart just isn’t in it as much as mine. Or else he’d find a way. Oh, his heart is in it, but only about once a week or two. Also, if we cut out all sex, I won’t have to hope for it, only to be bummed when he says no, cuz he’s tired. Maybe he wouldn’t be so tired if he stopped doing so much for others. I still feel that sometimes, what he can do for others comes before what he can do for us, and having sex.

Cutting out sex is what I need to do and what I should do. What I want is for him to come to me and tell me he’s got this bright new idea that he’s 1000% sure will result in more sex and a kid. Then see that he was right.

I’m only a silly dreamer. Over and over again.

I keep asking myself if God could have it in our cards to find a way to have more sex and a kid in time and if it hasn’t been time yet, but I can’t see why or how that could be. I wish I could, though.

I wish I could tell him all I feel and just write, but that’d only accomplish two things. The first thing it would accomplish would be a fight. And the other thing it’d accomplish would be nothing.

I just don’t know what to do. Should I cut out sex completely? Or keep the part-time sex? I know Tom won’t agree with me cutting out the sex. If I didn’t cut out the sex, Tom would be happy. Meanwhile, I still wouldn’t be, cuz I want it full-time. I don’t want to talk about full-time sex, think about it, write about it, I want to do it. But we can’t, so, how do we find a happy medium we both can agree on? Perhaps we can’t. Perhaps the only two choices are his way or no way. And again, he says full-time is his way, but we’ve very rarely had it full-time, so I call part-time his way, cuz I know he’d surely prefer that over no way. Anyway, I guess the only two choices are gonna be part-time or no-time and now I have to figure out which one would be best and try to stick to it. With any luck, I’ll live out my life going back and forth between wanting to take the part-time and then the no-time, all the while I dream of the full-time.

I don’t know if it’s best to do the agreement I mentioned and typed up or not. I don’t see how it could work. I’m afraid it’d just cause trouble. The other day Tom said he was ready to let a kid happen naturally. Yeah, that’s what we’ve both been saying for about 3 years now, even though he only began cumming 9 months ago. He also says that 9 months isn’t enough time to try. I see what he means, given the fact that he only cums about once or twice a month, but if he could cum 20 times a month, I hope he won’t be saying in the year 2000 that we still haven’t given it enough time.

What if this is another one of those double standards cases? Meaning, just cuz God will allow most women to conceive in a few months, maybe he expects us to fight tooth and nail for it and work our asses off. Like that’d be possible for us to do? And again, I would do that for the fun of it, anyway, but would he? Could he?

I just want freedom from always being horny and wanting sex. As well as freedom from wanting a kid. If I could just give up these things and not bother to try for a second or do anything to get these things, maybe I would feel better. Cuz then there’d be nothing to try for and hope for, only to fail and get bummed about it. I’m really sick of being a dreamer and a failure.

Maybe there’s a medication I could and should take that’d numb my feelings and desires and curb my sexual appetite. They have things to curb hunger, they should have things to curb horniness.

Well, I can’t make Tom have more sex and take care of my sexual needs, but I think that when and if the day comes that we both want more sex, not just say we do, we’ll find a way to do it. This is one of those things that if it’s a mutual thing and a desire, there’s a way.

It’s sweet of Tom to tell me he loves me for who I am and is very happy with the person I am, but I still feel like an incompetent, abnormal, incomplete, freaky fool. A confused, empty loser. And I shouldn’t feel any of these things. I should just enjoy what I do have.

For the millionth time, why does God want me the way I am? Why does he feel this is best and right for me? If he is truly testing me, how much longer is this gonna go on? How’s it gonna end? Why won’t he let me move on? And if he ever does let me move on, what’s he gonna let me move on to?

Maybe I should turn this into one of my games. We’re almost at month 10 of missing it, let’s see if we can make it an even year. Forget it, cuz that’d be no problem, therefore, not very challenging at all.