I have begun a very major project - typing up all my journals. It’ll take time, but it’ll be fun.

Andy may call any minute, but for now, I’ll write.

Tom and I made some changes around here and I got nearly half of my stuff here.

I saw Gloria on the Whoopie Goldberg show last night. She said two things I can really relate to. One is how she has premonitions. Two is how she never thought Emilio would want her as she always thought of him as this very mature guy even though he’s only 4 years older. That’s how I feel about Tom, but he’s 9 years older than me.

If I were brave enough, I’d be thrilled to marry Tom. There’s a part of me that says, go for it! There’ll never be another Tom. And you’re mature enough to take this chance and risk and he isn’t gonna change. The other part tells me all the things that could go wrong if I married him, including the fact that he could go bad, even though I don’t see or feel that happening now.

Well, right now I do know I do love him and he loves me. For both of us, it isn’t just sexual. I hope this continues and I’m also content to just imagine myself with women. I want to act on settling with a woman less and less. Why settle on lust with a woman once a year when there is a degree of lust with Tom and a hell of a personality, that’s one of a kind and totally non-replaceable?

I told him, though, that I can’t marry him and get myself into any legal traps with no easy escape routes. However, if in 5 years or so all continues to go well, who knows?

NOTE: The journal entries between August 18th and October 22nd were lost. Therefore, I’m going to fill in the gaps as best as I can.

It was during this time that I moved out of the Crystal Creek apartment complex and into Tom’s house that his brother moved out of. I moved into the house in early September.

A large Mormon family moved in next door, along with their dog. Their kids and dog got on my nerves at times during the day, what with the houses being so close. When they’d play basketball out front, it’d sound like they may as well have been bouncing the ball off the walls of our house. It could get pretty obnoxious!

This was around the time Tom and I had our worst fight which nearly caused us to break up. It was over Kim, her boyfriend Phil, and their deaf friend Alex from back east. They came to visit. I don’t remember how many days. I think it was for 2-3 days. Kim and Phil slept on a sofa bed in the back room, and Alex slept on the living room couch. Tom was working the third shift during this time and never got to meet any of them.

Throughout most of the daytime, we were out. We went to Sedona and did a variety of things. We shopped, we ate, we went horseback riding, etc. One day we hung out back by the pool.

What set Tom off was that according to him, he couldn’t sleep. I was surprised to hear this what with how heavy a sleeper he seemed to be.

“But you sleep through the kids screaming next door when they come out to play,” I pointed out.

Then he explained to me that the mind still works when you’re asleep, and because he knew the kids would be out and about, he could tune them out and sleep through their noise.

Well, if he could do that, why couldn’t he know I had company and tune them out, too? I think it was because he was jealous and felt left out.
Current Location: Arizona

I am so psyched cuz today I learned so much more on the computer. I can now type my own letters and print them out. It really is a lot of fun.

In other news, Tom and I began to rearrange stuff for me to move in. I won’t be completely moved in till right at the very end of this month, but we’ll be bringing stuff over here little by little.

Tom and I are continuing to get along just fine. Sexually, well, we’re getting there. He’s so incredibly sensitive for a guy and so much fun. That is both in and out of bed. We’re continuing to get to know each other in both areas. Sometimes I wish I was looking to be married and have a kid, cuz I believe he’d be a great husband and father.

I’ve decided to hang up the dancing for a little while as we’re putting together some ideas on the computer. Ideas to sell things. Like computer programs, address label makers and whatever we can think of. My edits, which are called sound bytes in computer language, may be able to be used for stuff like this. For verbal instructions, and that’d sure be different and creative. It may take us a few months to get things rolling, but I can still pay my way and have a bit of money left over for whatever.

It’s just so nice being here with Tom, and when he’s not here I’m always busy doing stuff. I hang out back a lot by the pool and it’s nice.

Getting the place in order will be quite a task, (he’s a slob and he has shit everywhere!) but it’ll be fun. We also work so well with each other. We don’t fight like me and Andy would do, cuz Andy and I are so much alike. We tease each other, though. I could never understand people when they said that people that are half alike get along better. Now I know what they mean.

Not much else is going on. I’ve learned other little things here and there, like which switch is for the EC (evaporative cooler) and which is the AC and the heater and how they work. I know how to turn the light on out back over the bench swing and in the pool.

Tom and I do a lot of foreplay and there are things that are different, yet good about him. Most guys like to always stick it in there, cum, and then that’s it. We can both do a lot of foreplay stuff that feels really good, but neither of us cum. Hell, I’ve cum about 6 times so far and he hasn’t. It was so funny how he explained how he is. He said, “I feel really good when we’re together, but if you expect a squirt every time, then you’re gonna be disappointed.”

How weird.

Being gay and so used to women, I didn’t know these things. I’ve had to learn a lot as men and women aren’t the same. Whereas with another woman, it’s different when she’s got the same parts.

I am sitting outside right now with my feet in the pool. It is beautiful out right now.

I fell asleep at 7:00 this morning and I woke up briefly as Tom was leaving. He went to help his mother get a tape player. I fell back asleep and got up at 4:00. He’s not back yet. If he gets home early enough, Andy is gonna come over so they can meet.

Mary left a message telling me Gloria’s gonna be on channel 8:00 at 9:00.

Work was really dead tonight. I sold a costume for $5 and barely made $15. There were 20 girls there, so Clarence let me and a few others go early.

This girl named Liz who looks a lot like Gloria says she’ll call me Sunday, but I doubt it.

Here are some of the dancer’s names that I can think of off the top of my head: Jessica, Sabrina, Katrina, Kay, Montana, Texas Tea, Cyprus, Rianon, Sammy, Jade, Starr, Maxxx, Candice, Jenny, Tyra, Katiana, Courtney, Brandy, Liz, Tia, Holly, and there are several more.

Because Tom left an hour before me, I took a cab in. I took one home too, at 10:30. The fare’s only $2. After I got in, I realized I did a dumb thing. I forgot ciggies, so I called Pat, the dispatcher at Fairway Taxi. She sent a guy over with a pack and I gave the guy $5.

Steve’s no longer driving. He’s working at some tattoo place now.

When I got home, I went swimming and Tom’s friend Geri called. She and Wendy are very jealous of me, from what I hear. Geri moved to South Dakota and asked if I’d hang up so she could leave a message. She left her number and said not to give it out. Like I’d want it.

Some guy at work gave me 3 scented silk roses which I stuck in the bathroom.

I typed 3 letters up also. Boy, do I love the computer. Wish I could do my journals that way, but I want to keep them all in books, not notebooks or loose pieces of paper.

Tom and I have fooled around 5 times or so now. I feel more and more safe and comfortable with him. We’ve experimented with different positions, besides him going down on me. I love getting my pussy licked and he’s good, too. He even managed to get the tip of his dick in me and he’s huge. Cuz of a woman’s intuition, I’m positive I can’t get pregnant. Even if he could cum inside a lot, I’m sure the DES and other things have me sterile. I’m sure I’d sense it if I could get pregnant. I also believe God knows I’m not destined to be a mother. Tom’s funny about that. He feels I’d be a good mom. Yeah, right. I wouldn’t know where to begin.

Well, today’s Nervous’s birthday and he’s 53. I met him when he was 44. Or was he 45? It was definitely in the spring of 1987 when we met. The 12th is Fran’s 31st birthday and my asshole parent’s anniversary. It’s 40-something years for them, but who the fuck cares? They’ve really been playing on my nerves too damn much. I’m sick of hearing the same old shit and being asked the same damn questions I’ve already answered 10 million times. I’m tired of them constantly rehashing the past. I get bitched at for moving a lot which is my right as an adult. I didn’t know the city and its different locations as I do now. Then I constantly hear how I should’ve stayed at the VV where I can afford it. I’ve already told them over and over why I left and that I could very well afford to stay at Crystal Creek. I’m leaving there cuz I want to, not cuz I can’t afford it. So tough shit for them if they don’t listen or get anything I say. I don’t even want to bother with them and if Ma calls with her same old sad story, she can go to hell.

Andy was finally over here at the house and he didn’t hate it as much as I thought he would. He does agree, though, that this place needs some work.

I was showing him stuff on the computer cuz he applied for a job at the phone co. He took my electric typewriter to practice typing. I also gave him a copy of The Beat.

He was here for an hour, then took off. He has to get up at 5:30, the poor guy. He wants more and more to be a night person again.

Once I get moved in here, I’m really gonna whip my voice back into shape. Boy, does it need it. It’s shot.

I am playing edits now on his stereo as I discovered something pretty funny. He has a pitch control that speeds up or slows down the tape. It’s a riot.

So much for ever being tanned. That sunless tanning lotion caused me to break out in an obnoxious rash. It caused me to have an attack, too. Tom brought me to the ER, then I went to my regular doctor and he gave me an antibiotic.

A few days ago, I spoke to Fran for over an hour. He called me. We also got Andy on the line. We tried getting Nervo on the line, but he cussed us out and hung up. Last night I called Nervo and spoke to Crystal. Man, was she blitzed! Totally the type that Nervous would and could only get. She was weird but funny. She mentioned reading two of my letters and seeing the picture. She said it was beautiful and that she showed everyone. She said she was bi and her brother’s gay and on and on. She wanted me to come in for a visit. I just told her she could write to me and say whatever she wants. She also claims to be a dancer, but I don’t buy that.

Nervous, no doubt won’t be buying the letter I’m fixing to send him either, but that’s ok. I said that Tom and I are getting married and we’re having a baby. I’m telling Fran the same thing.

I never called Cynthia or Joanne, cuz right now I’m happy to just be with Tom and Tom only. I can’t believe how comfortable and happy I feel with this guy, but it’s great. I still never get bored with him or feel smothered. I don’t miss my space, but I still have plenty of that anyway when he’s at work like he is right now. Andy hasn’t met him yet, cuz he got here at 9:00 and Tom had to leave at 7:30. After Tom’s only gone 5 minutes, I miss him. I never thought I could share so much with another person. I never thought I could be with someone like Tom who’s only half like me. He says it’d be boring to have someone just like him.

Most of the time it’s me who initiates the sexual advances and stuff like that. Not that he doesn’t respond, but usually it’s the guy who starts stuff, so this is new to me and a bit strange. He says he doesn’t want to upset me, but I told him at this point he can do whatever he wants and that I’ll tell him if I’m not in the mood.

I know how to start the computer to type a letter, but next, I have to learn how to print it out. I’ve got the basic idea of how to do it, but I still need Tom to guide me through the steps. After I copy from the screen, I know how to delete what I typed. I know how to change the size of the print, too.

I put some of my knickknacks around the house, along with 50 little notes for Tom.

I gave my 30-day notice to move last week. I am really looking forward to it, and each time I hang out with Tom the surer I am that things will work out. I’m so fucking sick of apartments, and the people next door are so unpredictable. Sometimes they’re quiet and other times they won’t shut up. If it isn’t their music, it’s their company going in and out and bopping all around. They’re cool about it when I bitch at them, but I get sick of constantly having to remind them to shut up. It’ll be great not to have to deal with the parking lot noise and there won’t be as much noise from kids. The people next door to the house have kids and dogs, but you don’t hear the kids as much as at the apartments

When I was in the office the other day, Dan mentioned seeing my picture in The Beat. Keri did show him, I guess. I gave her the number over here, but who knows if we’ll ever get together? We’ll see.

K.D. Lang gave me Joanne’s number and she gave her mine. She called me once and she sounded ok, but who knows when and if we’ll get together either? It’ll be a matter of timing, cuz she’s a day person. She was once married and has an 11-year-old son. She says she’s gay and totally feminine.

At work, there was this half-and-half that liked me and I gave her my number. I sort of hope she does not call, cuz she seemed weird. Why I gave her my number beats me, so depending on how the conversation goes if she calls, I may play with her head.

Work’s still ok and now I’m really glad the Candy Store and Favors didn’t work out. There are two girls there that I knew before from other clubs. Also, Jade’s there who I knew from the Mile High. She left for the same reasons I did. All the girls there seem really cool so far.

I still haven’t dropped the bomb on my parents yet about Tom and I and about my moving in here. However, the new address and phone number are on their anniversary card. I began a letter to them which I’ll finish soon. Tammy and Andy know what’s going on.

Andy thinks it’s wrong and that I’m copping out as far as women go. There’s nothing to cop out of. If I could get women, I’d be with them. I just told Andy to bear in mind that if I met a woman and we were both turned on by each other, I’d go for it. Tom’s no substitute or an all-out settlement either, otherwise I’d continue to be alone. Whatever happens tomorrow, happens. Right now (today) I’m happy and that’s all that really matters.

Tom didn’t hesitate to tell me on his own that he too, believes I’ll always be gay and for me to not pass up other opportunities. I wouldn’t. He said that even though I think it’s impossible to get the so-called ultimate, he’d rather let me go and be hurt so I’d be happy. That’s sweet of him and it takes a hell of a person to say that, but right now I’m happy here with him.

Ok, I just had half a cigarette. How the hell am I ever gonna get off these damn things? My lungs are shitty according to the x-rays at the doctor’s. Tom said he’ll check to see what’s currently available for quitting smoking. The things I’ve tried didn’t get me very far.

I’ve sent several letters that I’ve done on the computer. I’ve been having a field day with this thing.

I spoke to Dad a few days ago and he and Ma were in an ok mood. Ma yelled from another room to say hi to me. I asked if he got the Beat picture and he said yes and that it was different.

Maybe Tammy mentioned Tom to them, cuz I said my expenses were about to be cut from $1,000 a month to $300 and got no questions asked. I said there were to be major changes coming up, but that I’ll explain in a letter.

Not much else is going on. Andy and I still have to get together when the timing’s right.

I still have to go to Montgomery/Ward.

Within two weeks, the pool table will be out of here (it’s his brother’s), so I can start moving things in. I’m ready when he is.

I still want to see a dentist and I need my hair trimmed.

We’re gonna get a portable dishwasher, cuz it’ll be some time before the kitchen’s remodeled. Both of us want different things now that we’ll have extra money.

I sent Tam a birthday card with a $30 check.

I have so much amazing stuff to write about that’s almost impossible to believe.

Just when I thought that moving to Phoenix, becoming a dancer and being topless in a G-string in a citywide magazine was shocking, wait till I update the latest news. Two major, and I mean major, things that I never thought could or would happen. One is that I’m not only falling in love with Tom, but I’m also gonna be moving in here at his house on September 1st. We’ve had oral sex and I don’t regret it at all. Never ever could I hang out with someone for days, let alone hours and feel so comfortable. I never get bored or feel smothered. Our feelings are also mutual. I thank God so much, just like with the dancing. I see him like I see the dancing. It’s not my dream of being a singer, but it’s not housekeeping or something I hate. Yes, I’m gay and the bottom line doesn’t change as to who and what I am and what I want. Just like if a black person painted their skin white, they’re still black. He’s an acceptable settlement but isn’t a settlement. He has a million great qualities that are hard to really describe, but one where you just know in your heart that it’s a good one and a right one. There have been several people who’ve had qualities in them that I’ve realized were right for me, regardless of what they thought of me, but he has more than all these people put together. I guess I can say that we’re mostly in a relationship. I never thought you could spend so much time with someone you’ve slept with but we’re doing it. I always thought you had to be 100% alike, too. We’re 50/50 and Tom described us perfectly. He said I bring a little wildness into his life while he brings calmness into mine. He’s incredibly sensitive and gentle for a guy. He’s never tried to force me into anything personally or sexually. He understands that I’m too small to be penetrated and he’s huge. Definitely bigger than most guys. Like 8”. He’s very smart with lots of different skills. He even plays instruments. He listens and remembers things I say and doesn’t try to change me. I can totally be myself. He’s very open-minded and I could go on and on forever with wonderful things about him. I am very lucky. I think that if Tammy knew him like I do, she’d rather him over Bill. Lookswise he’s her type. He’s 36 even though he looks 41 and is 5’ 10”, 210 pounds. I can’t say there’s no lust at all, cuz there is. He has gorgeous eyes. I just met his friend Wendy and he’s better looking than she is. And yes, I mean it and that’s coming from a gay woman.

It’s hard to believe Wendy was once a dancer, but she was. They work together at American Express and she’s on break, so she oughta be leaving soon.

I really see Tom and I being close forever and us always getting along. If not, oh well. I don’t believe he’ll turn out to be a Scott M. No fucking way! He’s always trying to make sure I’m comfortable and he said that I could always move out if I didn’t like living here. I know he’d never put up a fight with me if I decided to move out. Yes, it’s fast, but I’m not going crazy, so it must really feel right and be mutual as it is. There are a lot of benefits to us living together which I’ll get into another time.

Tammy knows what’s going on between us but our parents don’t. They’ll surely shit their pants, but I couldn’t care less as I’m 27 years old. They’ll get over it, but it’ll hit Ma harder than it’ll hit Dad. I’ll expand more on the subject another time. I just wanted to put a dent in the major stuff, since I haven’t had time to write too much.

Later...

Boy, do I still have lots and lots of updating. I’m moving in here on Sep 1st. Tammy, Tom and I spoke yesterday and Tammy hopes it’ll work out. She did tell Tom, though, that she’ll shoot him from CT if he fucks me over. I’m thankful she’s a concerned protective sister, but I wish she knew Tom like I do. She’d be amazed and much more relieved. I understand that it’ll take both Tammy and Andy time to see if things will work out, but if they don’t, there’s money set aside so I can go back out on my own if I need to or want to. My parents will shit, but that’s their problem. I’m not even gonna offer too much explanation for a while, just give them my address and phone number. I’ll be giving Tom $300 a month and that’ll cover rent, utilities, food, and most stuff. Long-distance calls I’ll pay for, cuz you know me and the phone. The phone will remain in his name, but the stuff I have will be added to the line. He only has a basic line, but we’ll add 3-way, call waiting, voice messaging, and Caller ID.

There’s a long room in the back of the house where his brother’s pool table is. That’ll be gone soon and all the computers will be moved in there. Right now they’re in the master bedroom which will be mine. Tom says that’ll be considered my domain and going there will be like visiting me at my own place. I told him, though, that he’s welcome to go in and use anything he may need if I’m not around, but just to tell me. He said that’d be fine. Also, I can sleep wherever I feel comfortable. His bed or mine, but I can’t sleep with him on nights I have to work, cuz I’m such a light sleeper. Whenever he moves or snores, I wake up.

The good thing about it is that he understands and wants me to feel comfortable and happy. He wouldn’t pressure me either way. I know there have been others who I’ve thought would never turn bad on me, but for some reason, this feels different. If things did go bad, then that’s just life. I’d deal with it and move out and on with my life. We’ll stick my bed in my room along with my stereo, TV, clothes and personal stuff like my journals and jewelry and stuff like that.

He should be back from Jack-n-the-Box any minute, thank God. I’m starving! Our living together will also help us financially. Both of us will have extra spending money. I’d really like a dresser or two for underwear, shorts and small stuff like that like I had back east.

I just took a break to go eat and I sure feel better now.

Anyway, as I was saying, my couch will probably go in that long back room, but most of my furniture like my plastic stackable shelves will go in my room. It’s a good size room, too, bigger than the master bedroom in my apartment Wall decorations and knickknacks will go all over the place, cuz Tom says he doesn’t mind. This place needs color added to it. Little by little I’ll bring it to life and we’ll get stuff. Stuff like a portable dishwasher till the kitchen’s remodeled, and eventually I still want that binding system so I can do all my journal stuff on the computer.

Tom just read what I’ve updated so far and now he’s playing the keyboard. He’s pretty good, but man am I rusty! It’s a nice keyboard with keys that are the perfect size for me, but too small for him. That’s about all there is to say right now as far as Tom and I and the move are concerned, except that Bob, Kim, Fran and Nervous will no doubt think I’m kidding at first.

Work at the Excalibur is going great and I think it’s the best club of all the ones I’ve worked at. The girls there are cool and the money’s great. Especially on weekends. I’ve gotten some nice new costumes, too. I’ll surely have extra money for it.

All I’ll have to worry about is paying Sprint and the rent. US West and APS are gonna owe me. I know for sure that my deposit to APS was $150 and I think it was the same for US West and my rent deposit. My US West bill was $62, so they’ll take that out of my deposit. APS will take whatever my last bill is out of the $150. So financially things will be easier than ever.

I’m only working the weekends and Wednesdays, but that’s plenty with my living here. It’ll be great not to have to worry about cab fare as much and even if Tom’s not around it still won’t be nearly as much to get to work. Wednesdays there are only so-so anyway, but weekends are great.

And now for the funniest news of all. I think I mentioned before how Andy and I made a call to Andrea where she works and I taped it. It was quite funny. Andy called Stacey which was funny too, but I didn’t talk. I’ve begun editing them, but anyway, there was a knock on my door the next morning around 11:00. I didn’t answer it, cuz I had no idea who the hell it was and it had just woken me up. The same knock came around 7:00 that evening, but I was too busy watching TV to care enough to open the door.

Later, as I was on my way out, the guys next door said it was a sheriff. Oh, shit! was all I could think. I had a feeling right away that it was tied to Andi. Especially by the way she sounded over the phone. So Tom was with me when the constable came to serve me the papers. It was a hearing to try to get an injunction against me which is the same as a restraining order. A paper saying I can’t contact her in any way. I was afraid I’d be in big trouble and have to go to trial, but Tom said not to worry. Well, he was right, but I’ll get to that.

We went to court on July 30th, and guess who was with Andi? Sweet little old Stacey. I thought she might come along for the ride, but figured it wasn’t really her place to as the beef was with Andi and I. However, I did send her a letter from Bob to Kim and she hates me and would do anything to see me in hot water. Leave it to her and Andi to team up against me. But if it were me who had a problem with someone, whether or not they lived there she’d say, “Sorry Jodi, but I can’t help you or get involved. It’s a matter between you and whoever.”

Anyway, they were 100% sure they’d fry my ass in court and they looked so confident. We waited almost an hour and I kept wanting to leave, but finally, we went into a courtroom with a judge (male), the stenography lady, Andi, Stacey, Tom and myself. From there it was great. The judge kept asking her how she was sure it was me harassing her. How he saw no sufficient evidence. How even if he thought I was guilty, the case was still a joke. Andi had all my letters and magazine subscriptions. Her tax thing, too. I simply said I knew nothing about it, didn’t know her last name or where she worked till I got the papers served.

I brought in the Scott-related letter and showed it to the judge, saying I felt she sent it to me (another small favor from Scott).

They both also lied through their teeth. Andi said I was calling her at home yet I don’t even know the number cuz she changed it. She said I tried getting credit in her name with her SS number which I never had to begin with.

Stacey lied about shit I never did at the VV and other little things here and there. I could’ve laid Stacey’s ass big time for not only refusing packages in other people’s names but for giving Andi information illegally about me. Like where I used to work and other shit she pulled while I lived there. So they both lied and brought up shit that had no bearing on the case, but they tried really hard with everything and anything. But despite their efforts, the judge ruled in my favor that there was no way an injunction was gonna be filed against me.

You never saw such a look of embarrassment and humiliation and frustration as I saw on both their faces! What a slap in the face and a blow to the head and their egos to lose a case against me! I think they’d rather have their clothes fall off in public! How shaming it must’ve been for Stacey to go back and tell everyone she lost, but a thought just hit me. I don’t think she could do that, so knowing her she lied and said I lost. I’m sure she told just about everyone there, too. It’s just so fucking funny and Andy was cracking up when I told him. He says he’d love to call her up and laugh at her, even though he won’t. Me too.