10/1/1994 Sat. 3:51 AM
My day had been going just fine but right now, I'm so mad I could scream. I was taping two movies for both of us, and what did I do? Fucked up as usual and just like I did earlier when I went to tape something. Why can't I do the simplest things right? Is something trying to tell me not to watch TV? Should I tell Tom and Andy not to bother to depend on me? Should I quit recording stuff for me?
Well, there is good news and that's that my medley's done. There are 193 songs. None of Gloria, though, as she has her own medley. I've got a variety of stuff from dance/pop, country, instrumental, disco, oldies, etc.
10/2/1994 Sun. 12:08 AM
We now have the AC shut off for the year and now the swamp cooler is on. It feels great and I wish it had this feeling at the peak of the summer. The air's so fresh and clean and my lungs are great.
Tom trimmed a half-inch off my hair yesterday and every 6 weeks or so we'll do this.
I went through all my makeup and ditched some old stuff I've had for ages. I really should get new mascara as I've had the one I'm using now for over a year.
We accomplished a lot yesterday. We finally sorted all our mail and papers. I do whatever I want with my mail, but when the mail comes in, Tom tosses what he doesn't want and I file the rest. We also planted the 5 cactus plants around the pool yesterday morning. They look great.
I was surprised that next door was so quiet. I hear them occasionally when I go out back, but lately I've been blessed by the absence of them and across the street. Well, more than lately. They've all been quiet for several months. At least I know I have the fan and the music as a weapon against whatever if I need it.
Did I mention that I finished the medley? I'm sure I did, but anyhow, it's got some parts I could've done better, but it's great for the most part.
Tom said don't worry about botching up his movie as it's on a lot. Yeah, I've seen it listed quite frequently, but it's not on this week. He said I should record more stuff to get my confidence back. Well, I haven't checked to see yet if the two movies I taped came out OK, but I'll soon see.
Right now I think I'll go have some coffee, then I'll write more later. First though, the B drive on the computer's broken. That's the drive I used for my journals, so now if I do anything with them I'll use the C drive. That's pretty much the main drive. I use it for letters and other stuff.
8:25 AM
Sex with us is getting more frequent, which is great, and the sex is always great. For me. I'm still confused when it comes to Tom. He sure as hell acts as if he likes it, and he always gets rock hard and tells me how sexy I am. I do believe him when he tells me I'm sexy, and not just cuz I want to.
I can't cum by penetration alone, and I know everyone's different and takes longer getting used to someone and that's fine. It'd also be just fine if he came out and told me he doesn't want to cum. There are things he knows I don't want to do. Like go down on him, so that I can understand. Also, I'd understand if he had a physical problem that affected him sexually. The big question still remains. Did he lie to me when he said he came those two times where nothing came out? He says he didn't cum much anyway, but then why was he worried about messing up my sheets?
I toyed with the idea that he was holding back so as not to get me pregnant, but he can't get me pregnant by cumming in my hand. Then I realized that maybe he felt it'd look funny if he only came in my hand out of not wanting to get me pregnant, and I'd think my pussy just wasn't good enough, like my hand would be. Maybe he feels that'd look a little obvious. It really scares me to admit to myself that he could be lying about this. If he is, and I do say if, I hope he'll someday soon have the heart and the courage to tell me why. Why? I've never caught him in a lie before. There's only one other thing he's ever said that I doubted. He said he could sleep through sounds if he knew what it was and who.
He slept through them moving in next door, raising holy hell in the front here, but he couldn't sleep through Kim, Phil, Alex and me? Hmm...
I thought of asking Tammy and Andy for their opinion for a long time, but then I thought that'd be uncool to involve them. Then I realized two things. One is that they wouldn't get involved and two is that they'd keep my question a secret. I finally broke down and asked Tammy if it was possible for a guy cum “dryly.” Her answer was, "Not to my knowledge is it possible."
I asked Andy on his machine.
Tammy said Lisa got the letter Tom sent her and was very pleased. For a while there I was wondering if he was really going to write and send it.
11:23 AM
The movies I taped came out OK. I listened to some music and just made myself some coffee. Soon I'll be conking out. My stomach's a little better, but I still get waves of pain here and there.
I hope Andy leaves me a message tonight. I told him that if the answer to my question is no, to say, "No, I don't like whatever song by Gloria." He'll say "yes," he likes it if the answer's no.
10/3/1994 Mon. 1:22 AM
I sure wish I slept later than I did. I got up at 7:30 PM. Andy left a message saying he can't "decide" if he likes a certain Gloria song, so that means he's not sure.
Well, they say everyone's different and that much is true, but I have a feeling things will never change with him. I have a feeling that if we wanted a kid right now or in the future, we won't be able to, even if I'm not sterile cuz he either can't or won't let go. I just wish I knew which one it was. If he can't cum, I'd like him to find out why. If he won't cum, I wish he'd just come out and say, "Hey, I don't prefer to cum. All I want to do is get hard."
At the same time I believe he is attracted to me, I feel I'm not pleasing to him cuz I'm confused and I don't know for sure what's going on. Not knowing is hard, but maybe there's a third party involved. Whether or not he's deliberately holding back, maybe whatever's up there has major control over this to keep me from getting pregnant. But then again, couldn't it just sterilize me or make sure he doesn't cum when I'm ovulating? The more I think about it, the more questions I have and the more confused I get, so I'm just going to keep on going about my life as I have been and try not to dwell on it. If in another year to a year and a half, nothing's changed, then perhaps I oughta talk to him about seeing what a doctor has to say about it. I don't know, but I really think it's me. There's something about me as a person (not my body) that turns him off. Perhaps it's my aggressive nature and also fear of being a father too soon. I think he does want to be a dad, but in a couple of years. This is what he told me, too. I also have a feeling he may never want to be, so due to this, he'll keep on holding back.
He can't keep that up forever, though, so if he's the one preventing himself from cumming, he's going to have to deal with it with me someday, as he can't always make excuses. I can't always be “new” to him, so if one of my theories is correct, I hope he talks about it.
10/4/1994 Tues. 3:19 AM
Today's the day I go for my CT scan and hearing test. Hopefully, I'll find out something today, but I'll probably have to wait till the 13th. I'll write about how today's appointment went either later today or tomorrow.
10/5/1994 Wed. 4:06 AM
I went for my CT scan and hearing test yesterday. There were about 3 different things about it that I didn't remember from Boston. First, she had my head cranked way back, and she took 30-40 pictures, which seemed to take forever.
When I got on the thing you lay on, it was at the height of a bed. Then, when she went to adjust me for picture number two, I realized I was almost up to the ceiling when I sat up. For the second position, my neck was straight and she put some kind of string or tape across my chin to hold my head still.
Then it was off to another floor for my hearing test. My good ear has worsened a little, but the left is hopeful. There is nerve hearing.
I can't wait till the 13th.
4:30 AM
Yesterday, after my appointments, we went to JB's for lunch.
When we got home, I helped Tom build a second computer. It was pretty interesting and fun.
Tom and I both spoke to Tammy, who's really in a bad way now. From the sound of it, Bill may only have a matter of months left. She's worried about how the hell they're going to survive and I don't blame her. We all discussed the possibility of her coming out here, but that's close to impossible. Especially with 3 kids.
Her visit with mom wasn't too great. Even Lisa got upset with her for not staying as long as she said she would. She said Lisa got embarrassed by mom in some restaurant cuz of the way she went off on some waitress. The bottom line is what it's always been. She hates kids and will only talk to them about 6 times a year and it'll probably be another 3 years before both mom and dad go to see her again.
It makes me wonder again if I oughta just cut all contact with them if I ever get pregnant. No kid of mine is going to put up with them if I can help it. Yes, they've been wonderful over the phone now for almost a year, but that'd change if I were pregnant, so it's something to think about should I ever find myself pregnant.
Anyway, I got up at midnight, watched a little TV, made Tom some sandwiches and crossed off stuff we got done. I also updated our computer calendar that keeps track of shit we gotta do.
I typed Bob a letter and now Bob, Kim, and my parents have two of those postcards left. I'll send them over the next couple of weeks.
We're putting aside money to go to Tammy when she really, really needs me the most. That'll be when Bill dies. Tom will go with me if he can get the time off from work and I hope to hell he can, but if not, I'll go alone.
For the hell of it and out of curiosity, I called Nervous to see if his number still exists with him. He has an answering machine with a prerecorded voice. I just said hi and hung up. I'm glad I discovered he's got a machine there. God, I wish he had one when he was obsessed with me! I would've had sooo much fun with it.
Assuming Crystal's still there and assuming he'd never dare allow her to hear his edits, which he probably doesn't have, I'm going to leave a few seconds of them on his machine later. I only hope he hears them, though. I hope if I leave them and they're both out that he doesn't come home, get to them first and erase them. Cuz that's just what he'd do.
10/6/1994 Thurs. 8:33 AM
I used up the last of the O labels, so now I'm going to use the remainder of the cat labels with the name S on them. Then I've got lots of Adobe labels left, but they'll only be used for mail. I'll draw colorful lines as day separators when the cat labels run out. There are about 25 left.
Yesterday I straightened up the back room quite a bit. I even cleaned off a small area by the washer. There was a paper grocery bag with other ones in it that must've been there for years. I dumped those and put away some tools.
I saw a movie with Marlee Matlin in it, and Law & Order.
Now I'm going to write some postcards and do some typing.
11:19 AM
I typed Tammy a letter and wrote postcards to Bob, Kim and my parents. I dusted and vacuumed and did some typing. I've been spelling all kinds of words wrong. Like Israel. I'm learning, though (I spelled "tho" wrong intentionally in my written journals as it's a shortcut). The computer's been very educational.
10/8/1994 Sat. 10 AM
Things have been great. I do have stuff to write about, but I'm going to do some computer work first.
3:40 PM
Today, I not only typed up all my 13 songs with pretty and different fonts, but I also wrote 3 new songs. Before I copy them in, yesterday we got a wedding card from Mary & Dave with a $100 check. Today we got a card from Boo and Max with a $50 check. We have to crank out a couple more thank you cards.
10/9/1994 Sun. 9:37 AM
Just as I was going to write, Tom came home from work with groceries and with guess what else? A humongous package of all different kinds of pens. There were highlighters and all different kinds of regular pens. Also, the perfect drawing pencils. The kind you click and the lead moves down, so you don't have to sharpen it. I have 5 of these kinds that all write in black, but the pen turns colors as your fingers grip them. This one's purple, but changes to pink where your fingertips are.
10:50 AM
Tom and I had a really cool talk the other day. He assured me that everyone's different and that if he were feeling sexually deprived and unfulfilled in any way, he'd tell me. He reminded me that things didn't change with me for a long time at one point. Neither one of us ever thought he'd make it in there. I realize now that I shouldn't be impatient with him and expect him to cum if he doesn't want to. Andy says he can't see how he can be satisfied without being able to or allowing himself to cum. Maybe most people can't get by without cumming, but everyone's different and again, I believe him when he tells me he's happy. I told him I wouldn't try to change him cuz he's never tried to change me or expect anything of me that I couldn't or wouldn't do. I did comment on how it would prevent us from getting pregnant, but he said it wouldn't. He sounded very sure of that. He's just waiting till we're ready for a kid, I think. That's cool cuz right now we have two things on our minds. Getting me to hear out of both ears and going into business.
He says he's planning on releasing our first program for sale on Nov. 1st. The picture-printing program. By December 1st, he wants to have me sing and record a song. Every Wed. or so I fill in stuff on the computer calendar that either one of us or both of us have to do. He suggested this as I'm way more organized.
11:18 AM
Right now Tom is napping on my bed. Luckily, this bed is wide enough so I can still stretch out and have plenty of room.
Tomorrow there's no mail cuz of Columbus Day. Or is it Memorial Day? Whatever. I've got letters typed up to my parents, Tammy, Kim, and I'll do Bob's soon. I'll mail them out on Tues., though.
I think I've pretty much covered all that's been going on. So, I guess I'll go do some computer work right now.
1:12 PM
Boy, Tom's pretty entertaining to observe when he sleeps. I just walked into the room and he said about 3 words I couldn't make out, then something that sounded like, "Talking to another." Then, "OK." Then, "I can handle it." Then, "Mhm."
Now I'm using another one of the color-changing pens. I believe there are 5 of them in all, even though they all write in black as I said before. This one goes from a regular shade of green to lime green. Sort of a yellowish-green where I'm holding the pen.
I did some journal typing, as Tom fixed the B drive. I also cooked up some creamy garlic noodles and some spaghetti.
I took the foam mattress off the waterbed cuz I'm sick of it bunching up on me. I'll wait till I get a king-size one. I also turned the waterbed heater on. In a week or two we'll be turning on the wall heaters. I'll also get my little portable one out of my closet.
10/10/1994 Mon. 4:30 PM
I vacuumed and then mopped the kitchen floor. It really needed it.
I typed up a letter for Bob, as well as the song titles on my medley. The more I hear the medley, the more I don't like it. Some songs are too long and some have chosen parts I wish I didn't choose. I'm going to do it again sometime soon and I'll probably redo Gloria's medley, too.
I quickly talked to Tammy and I left Andy a message.
It's gorgeous out today. It's in the mid-90s and it's supposed to be that way all week. It's a bummer, though, cuz the pool's ice cold.
Kim called last night and still plans to be here in Nov. She was psyched to hear about my ear, and has a bad cold now.
10/12/1994 Wed. 3 PM
God, I feel so sluggish today. Well, maybe it's cuz I only slept about 6 hours or so. I'm a little bored, even though I've done stuff and have more to do.
These are some of the times when I think a kid would be nice. Last night at the mall, which I'll get to later, made me glad I have no kid. That and how horrible Tammy and others said it was. Despite it all, though, I've written off both Tom and me as sterile, until and unless I see differently. I know he likes things the way they are, but maybe in a year or so I'll suggest that he see a doctor and make sure nothing's wrong if he really can't cum. He might be very embarrassed about seeing a doctor, though. Hey, at least he'll never have to deal with GYNs.
Yesterday Tom was out all day fixing Eldon's computer. He also took his parents to the racetrack.
Yesterday his mom also fixed one of my favorite skirts that my dad got me. In about 1989, Dad took me to get it at Steiger's in Longmeadow. The waistband was messed up, but she did a wonderful job fixing it. I called her this morning and thanked her and we got to chatting for about 10 minutes or so. She's got a great memory too, and asked if I was all psyched for tomorrow. Oh, yeah! And I got up at 8:30 today, so there'll be no problem sleeping tonight. She said she had a doll my skirt would fit on; it’s so small, and to call her if I had any questions about making quilts. I also was talking to her about music and journal writing. She asked if we had a budding young author here. Nope. It's just a hobby I do for fun and if that's ever to change, I don't know about it yet.
Tom wants me to go through some books to pick out some things to maybe sell; that is called origami. You make things out of paper, like animals, flowers, castles, etc. There was the one where you do the months if you want to make a calendar. I tried Oct., but I really need thicker paper. Something in between paper and cardboard.
Yesterday I got 2 letters from Bob. One was 6 pages, the other was 1. BOL 12 in 79 is all done now, so I'll be filling up the 17 empty pages in 75 that are almost in the middle of that book. Gotta update the journal chart in 77 too.
Kim called last night while we were at the mall. She was bored, still sick with a cold. It was 31º there last night!
At about 6 PM last night was when we went to the mall. We made a ring payment, and he got a computer book. I got a killer deep purple shirt that's like a T-shirt, but the shoulders are cut out. It's quite sexy. I got an Indian-like beaded barrette, and 3 chokers. They were on sale for only $3 apiece. I got a big bottle of detangler, which my hair really needed, and two bottles of lotion. There's this really neat place called Potions & Lotions where they mix up the fragrance you choose, how strong you want it and what color you want it. You can also get cheaper refills of any fragrance. I got Nilla Musk in green and Nature Scent in pink.
10/13/1994 Thurs. 7 PM
Yes! I'm going to hear out of two ears! I'm so psyched and I have so much to write on the subject. The doctor (Dr. Nielsen) didn't at all look like I expected. He wasn't an older, gray-haired guy. He was middle-aged. Tom made a good point, saying he was old enough to have experience but young enough to have a steady hand.
The first thing he said to me was that if he had to choose from a number of people to do this surgery on, it'd be me. We haven't gotten a date yet, but they'll be calling soon. We think and hope it'll be before the year's out. Maybe even before Thanksgiving, which is on the 24th.
The CT scan looks really good and he's going to do the skin graft under my arm. He's almost positive I'll be able to hear and the risks are only 3% - 5%. He's going to go in right where the canal's supposed to be, then find the bone and follow it till he comes across the facial nerve. That he'll steer clear of that, naturally.
He even told us why I was born with no ear. He says that when you're an embryo, your ear canal forms, then shuts, then reforms. Mine never reformed. The inner ear did, but not the outer ear.
The operation should only last 3 hours and I should be able to go home that day. There's only a 10% chance that I'll have to stay overnight. There's a 60% chance I'll have to have another operation in 6 months to a year. Instead of having bandages all over my head, I'll only have like a huge cotton ball in that area.
The other reason I'm having this operation is just as important as getting hearing. Cuz of the sensitivity. He has two theories about why it's been so sensitive since around 1988. One's cuz of lots of skin. Your skin on your hand, for example, sheds and regrows. Same with the inner ear, but there's no place it can shed. He said this commonly takes years after surgery to slowly build up. His other theory is cuz of nerves being cut due to so many surgeries, they grow nodules on the ends of them, causing pain. This also takes years of slowly building up.
It'll be here in Phoenix next to the regular doctor's offices at Good Samaritan Hospital. No having to drive 3 hours in the snow as we would to Boston in the mid-70s. Also, no big bandages that go around most of my head where I look like a mummy. For two weeks after surgery, I'll have to lay really low, then go back to be sure the skin graft took well and that there are no infections. Speaking of infections, he says there could be and could've been a low-grade infection going on for quite a while. It made us wonder about that cuz almost all my medical reports tell me I have a high white blood cell count. Surely there are plenty of smokers who don't get all the infections I did. Especially back east. Plus, I do get dizzy, sluggish, and a feverish feeling, not a lot, but enough of the time.
He will have to shave just a really tiny amount of my hair by the frame. That's OK. They did that in Boston and it was no big deal and didn't look funny. Not with all this long, thick hair.
While I'm so flattered and honored to have Tom be so excited too, it really makes me hate the government even more. Cuz I was on Medicaid and Medicare, and if it were infected, it could've eventually killed me, as doctors of low-income people couldn’t really care less for the most part. Dr. Nielsen said it will no doubt get worse, too.
When we came home, I called my parents, who were very happy for me.
Tammy's really pissed and depressed now, so I typed her a letter so she can read it at her own leisure. I also typed to Mom and Dad and Kim and Bob.
Tom called his mom, as well as Mary. I left Andy a message, but I haven't heard from him for several days now, so who knows what he's been up to. I do have more to write about, but it's been a long day, and I'm exhausted.
10/14/1994 Fri. 5:53 PM
Last night I couldn't fall asleep till around 3 AM. I was just so psyched up cuz of yesterday. I talked to Andy today, who was so happy that I was going to "see" out of two ears.
He's just been hanging out doing his own thing. He's been feeling bored, lonely and hopeless. Tonight we may get together and go to Camelback Mountain. This way I can help motivate him and for old traditional times’ sake, it'll be fun. We haven't done this since shortly after I got here in ‘92. He'll sit outside on the trunk probably, and do an “interview,” while I'll be in the car doing my thing.
I think I remembered to write all there is to tell about my ear surgery.
Last night Tom and I were on my bed trying out different positions when I suddenly had a weird feeling come over me. One that felt there was a chance one could get away, if you know what I mean, and get me pregnant. I don't know why. I know the chances are possible, but I think they'd be extremely low cuz I'm a DES daughter and he doesn't cum. So, then he said, "I thought that's what you wanted."
Well, it is. I just didn't think he was ready cuz it's not ‘96, we're going into business, I'm having surgery, and I didn't want to push him. He said he's always known the possibility is there; he's not worried, and I can't control him. I wasn't trying to control him, but now I know not to worry if I do or don't get any weird feelings. Plus, since I've been here, I've gone from an 80% accuracy to a 5% accuracy on the so-called things I feel.
10/16/1994 Sun. 7:20 PM
Last Friday night, Andy and I were out from 10 PM to midnight. Tom gave me $9, and we stopped at Circle K and got munchies. We went right to the same spot as we did in the summer of ‘92. That area and Camelback Mountain are really awesome. I saw the praying monk again in the mountain as well as the upside-down face.
At one point I said to Andy, "I wonder if one of these houses could belong to the doctor who's going to do my ear soon?"
I hope his office calls tomorrow for an appointment.
Mary gave us a sewing machine and Marjorie's going to help us with it.
Tomorrow I have letters to go out to Tammy, Mom and Dad, Kim and Bob. I'm sure I'll hear from Bob tomorrow.
Yesterday we had some great sex. There's no pain or pressure at all and I almost came. I cum almost every time he goes down there, but I have yet to cum by him in there. I'm getting closer, so now I can really see and understand where he's "cumming" from on this issue.
Yesterday I finished typing up 15, so now I've got a total of 28 journals typed up. They all total 200 pages. That's so few pages for so many journals, huh?
8 PM
I took out my portable heater, and it does a good job of taking the chill out of the air. It's cool and raining right now. Now's the worst time in AZ for people with allergies and asthma. I've had a few sneezing spells, but it's not even close to the misery I suffered back east. Soon the plants with lots of pollen will be going dormant.
I could redo my medley now, but I don't really feel like it, so I guess I'll go type up more of 17. That's the one I'm currently typing. Later!
10/17/1994 Mon. 9:35 PM
Well, well, well. Life's still full of surprises. Instead of sending me a photocopy of the article, Minnie typed it up on her computer. I didn't even think she had a computer, but ours is nicer. She doesn't have any fancy fonts, but that's OK. By hand, she wrote me a letter. She has nice handwriting, too. I copied it into 75.
Tom was laughing at how she said she'd send me a picture of her at her prom as if we were old buddies. He said he hopes I write her back. I did right after I read her letter and the article.
Then, she called, and I told her that at first I honestly thought she was full of it. I told that to Bob too, so I'll have to tell him how I thought wrong. She says she's sending Kim a copy, too. She'll appreciate that.
This evening I used old sheets, foam, etc., to make a regular-size pillow for the living room. It serves two purposes. One, for when you're lying on the couch watching the tube. The other's for Tom to kneel on when we're doing it on the couch.
I also made him an eyeglass case. He wears his glasses while he's cleaning out his contacts. I used a white sheet for this, then drew on it an "I Luv U" heart as well as a teddy bear.
Got the Bob article. One thing I can say is that I felt the same way reading it as I did when I read about myself in the paper when I got in trouble in Deadfield. A good 95% of it was bullshit.
10/18/1994 Tues. 2:11 AM
Now to comment on Bob's article. Well, it's still all too hard to believe as it would be with Tom, my parents or sister. He couldn't bar anyone from coming or leaving anywhere. The man's a total wimp. The only thing I buy is his allowing these girls alcohol. A troubled teen is likely to beg for that and he's a sucker who can't put his foot down. The porno movies are a maybe. If a girl begged to see it that saw it lying around, then yeah, I can see him giving in. As for dying his hair. He just doesn't have so much extra money or the know-how enough to do so. Also, he's sent regular pictures of himself all the while I've been here as his hair grew longer and longer and it was always gray. Too soon for him to have cut off all the dye and regrown his hair. He sent a picture from prison a few months ago with it quite long and gray.
If someone says to a person, "Get alcohol, then pay for it," it seems to me the person could say, "No, I won't," and walk away. That 16- and 17-year-old girl they mentioned was Minnie, according to what she herself told me, and she was 18.
Lastly, it's ridiculous to not let him own a car cuz a real rapist will try to round up his victims anyway, anyhow, and anywhere he can.
2:30 AM
I forgot to mention one other thing I sewed together. A magazine rack for Tom when he's in the bathroom taking a dump.
Last night I began doing something on the computer. A subject index of each journal. I was going to do this a while back but didn't. Well, it'll take forever, no doubt, but that's OK. There's no hurry.
2:56 AM
For the sake of curiosity, I made a list of the states I've been to and flown over. I've flown over: New Mexico, Colorado, Oklahoma, Indiana and Kansas. I’ve been to: Massachusetts, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Vermont, Maine, New Jersey, Mississippi, New Hampshire, New York, Maryland, W. Virginia, Tennessee, Rhode Island, Louisiana, Missouri, Ohio, Texas, Arizona, Nevada, Illinois, Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Arkansas, Virginia, Delaware, Kentucky, S. Carolina, N. Carolina.
10/19/1994 Wed. 3 AM
I wish it'd hurry up and be 8 AM! They left a message today while Tom was out with his parents at the racetrack and I was asleep, for me to call to schedule surgery. I hope to hell it'll be real soon. I'm anxious and can't wait to get this over with.
Tom said after surgery we'll discuss quitting smoking, singing and having a kid. He's funny at times, cuz the other day I got that so-called feeling which may very well have meant nothing, he said, "Well, I thought that's what you wanted," yet now we have to discuss it? Well, I do understand cuz I'm like that a lot, too. I asked what there was to discuss about it and he said, "How, when, and the details." Well, I can answer the how. If my DES or fate hasn't sterilized me, he sticks it in there and lets himself cum.
He still feels that if I were pregnant, my parents would be very happy. I feel they'd be pissed and try to lecture me, but you just never know. They've been known to surprise me a few times in the past.
His mom gave me a quilt today. It's just my size too, made to cover my height.
Andy and that girl Karson left a message earlier, which I'll tape for editing. I haven't been in the mood yet to edit or redo my medley.
10/20/1994 Thurs. 1:05 AM
Today's been a very dull day. I called to schedule my surgery, but Jackie, the only one who schedules surgery, wasn't there. I have to call back tomorrow at 10:00.
I meant to say yesterday was a dull day. Especially cuz I slept through most of it.
Today I got 2 letters from Bob and 1 from Alex. I hope Kim got her copy of the article from Minnie, as I just sent mine to Bob. He asked for it cuz he hasn't seen it. He's going to be pretty pissed. If not, she'll be here soon, so I'll let her read the article I copied.
I finished filling up the pages that were available in 75 with letters, so now I'll fill the remaining 60 pages or so in 7. After that, they'll go in a box. It's the box that the CD/tape/radio boom box came in that's in the back room right by the computer.
3:43 AM
I did a few things during the night. I did dishes, typed letters, typed more of 17, and drew a full-page picture of a lady's face. It's only so-so.
Tom showed me a new game called Nibbles, which I call Nipples. It's where you drive this snake, which is really a colored line, with the arrow keys and try to get it to eat as many numbers as possible without it crashing into the sides of the screen.
I wish it were 10:00 in the morning!
Tom mentioned us playing the Cruel card game when he gets up and also us having some fun. I hear him snoring. Fine from another room, but thankfully not next to me. Yes, I wish we could sleep together, but then again, no, I do not cuz it'd never work out. Perhaps someone on Navane or another heavy sleeper such as he is, but not me.
11:20 PM
My surgery's set for December 6th and the day before I'll have a pre-op appointment. At first I was really bummed as
10/21/1994 Fri. 1 AM
Andy called, so I'd gotten cut off up above. Then I got to watching a little TV, frying chicken, and doing dishes.
As I was saying, I was rather bummed that I couldn't have surgery in Nov. However, Tom reassured me that this would be good cuz work will be slower for him in December, and starting this Saturday, we can lay down some tracks to record My Time Has Come, my signature song, so to speak. It's just amazing how I've got someone here with whom I can combine my dreams. He's got what I want, which is the background/behind-the-scenes know-how. I've got what he wants, which is a way to promote his programs. All this combined gives us what we want. To do what we both love to do while earning great money. We're hoping to have the equipment, make the master CD, make tons of copies and distribute them by early ‘95.
He also mentioned me maybe getting pregnant in early ‘95, too. He said it's better not to now, due to the surgery, of course, but that if I were, it wouldn't hurt it as I'd only be in the 1st trimester. True, but I'll definitely have my period around the 26th when I'm due for it. My boobs aren't sore, I haven't had any pre-cramps, but I am slightly watery. I took a water pill earlier.
It took 511 minutes to type journal 17. Wow! That's only about 8½ hours.
Minnie called at 7:00 last night, but I was still asleep. Tom answered, but she didn't leave a message.
Tomorrow night Andy and I may go to the mountain.
He's pretty bummed lately, but hopeful. His ad in the Echo magazine should be out anytime now and he really wants to meet someone bad. He wishes to hell he could have someone like Tom and be like me where he doesn't have to work or worry about food or money. Or health benefits, as he doesn't have any.
Monday after 11 AM, I have to call Jackie to get the times I'm supposed to go for my pre-op and surgery. Also, to get a date and time for a follow-up. First, she had to give me the dates the doctor was available, then check things out with the hospital. Those dates are OK with the doctor and the hospital, but now we have to get the times. She said they usually like to schedule surgery at 7 AM and have their patients arrive there at about 6 AM.
I called Tammy and let her know, then I called my parents. They weren't home, so I left a message.
2:45 AM
Last night I began redoing my medley. I like this one a lot better. I'm making sure I keep the songs much shorter. I don't feel like doing any more editing now of any kind, but perhaps I'll work on my subindex.
It's kind of awkward to hold the book on my lap while I type in notes, and the book's too heavy and big for the music stand. Therefore, I'll put it against the headboard and do it here in bed where it's more comfortable. I'll write my notes in here, which probably won't make much sense till it's all typed up. Actually, I'm only typing notes. I intend to write to them all in their own journal. It'd be neat to have a journal that's an index, listing all the important topics that are in each journal. However, I may wish to look up and trace down something of non-importance, too. Well, I'll do my best. I'm going to refer to my typed-up journals. It's a lot easier to have a notebook (3-ring), spread out, rather than several journals.
10/23/1994 Sun. 3:08 AM
Tom got up a little while ago, and in an hour or so he'll be off to work.
He went down on me which I really needed. I'm so horny before my period.
I made us pork chops and tater tots.
Yesterday we laid down the tracks for My Time Has Come. It's so awesome to be able to walk up to a computer, hit a button and it'll play the music to my song.
I also did quite a bit of work on my journal subject index (subindex). I'm up to 14 and am using book 81 for it. I've gotten 20 pages done already. Soon I'll work more on it.
3:55 AM
Tom's in the shower now.
I forgot to mention another sexual first. At least I think I forgot to. We were lying in bed when he got on top of me and was able to go right in without even guiding it in.
He says sometimes he feels it'd be nice to have a kid in 9 months to 2 years from now. I sometimes feel it'd be nice to have it now, in a few years, and even never.
10/24/1994 Mon. 4:33 AM
Tom couldn't sleep, so he just got up a little while ago.
What I went to do earlier was sort the tools. I did about an hour's worth of sorting and rearranging. I made this week's lunches for Tom too, and talked with Andy.
He called me up in a so-so mood, but I sure as hell got him laughing his ass off. He was telling me how he got a call from a guy who read his ad and the guy claimed to be straight-looking. The second Andy saw the guy, he thought, "Yeah, right. Who the hell ever told this guy he looked straight?!"
I told him how he may have to go through shit like that for a while. Guys will say they look straight and people will give bogus phone numbers.
What really cracked him up was when I told him about that butch Margaret who came up for one night from Westerly, RI. I first talked to her through the 900#.
I told Andy not to be too nice, and to play the same game as everyone else played. Be blunt and don't give a shit if anyone mistakes your honesty for rudeness.
So anyway, I was telling him how when I was talking to Margaret she said, "My sister's so feminine. She's got all kinds of makeup and perfume and jewelry on her dresser in her room. All I have on my dresser is a bottle of deodorant."
That's when the buzzer went off and I said, "Wait a minute, I smell butch here."
He was totally laughing his ass off over that one.
10/25/1994 Tues. 5:30 AM
Yesterday I fell asleep at 4 PM. At 8 PM, I woke up sneezing my ass off for a few minutes. Thank God I fell back asleep till 3 AM, cuz at 10 AM we are going to Castles & Coasters to play miniature golf. I can't wait. I love miniature golf; that place is gorgeous, and we're overdue for doing something fun.
I also laid out in the sun yesterday for a whole hour just to get no color.
Got the times of all my appointments, too. On 12/5 I forgot my pre-op appointment at 9:30 AM. On 12/6 I have the surgery at 7:30 AM, but we have to be there at 6 AM. On 12/20 I go for my post-op appointment.
Just 15 more days till Kim arrives. I'm psyched but so nervous about it. Please, God, don't let this cause a major fight between Tom and me!
I'm doing a few loads of laundry now and soon I'm going to make calendars for ‘95 on the computer.
A couple of nights ago when I was talking to Andy, he gave me his sister Marla's number in CA in case of an emergency. He also tells me, for example, "The guy's message I'm seeing tonight is the third message, just in case of any trouble, cuz you never know."
For the sake of curiosity, I called Springfield Information to see if I could get Nervous's new address. Sure enough, he's at 75 Avon Place. That's on the south end/downtown line. It's a scummy area, but slightly better than Pearl St. He and Crystal probably got a 1-bedroom apartment; I'll bet it's $500 or more. If one of them splits, the other's going to have a hell of a time paying all the expenses on their own.
I don't know if I forgot to mention this, or not, but about a week ago I called and played a clip of the edits. I was intending to leave it on their machine which they do have, but she answered. She listened to the whole thing, but that was great cuz it was her that I wanted to hear it. That was her first time ever hearing the edits, I believe.
10/26/1994 Wed. 10:25 AM
We went to play miniature golf yesterday. It was lots of fun. Just as beautiful as I remembered, and it was peacefully dead. We also played some games in the arcade and Tom won me a stuffed Harley Davidson dog.
When we got home yesterday, I got a Bob letter and talked to Andy. At first he got tons of calls from guys who were mainly losers and now the calls are dwindling. Yup, that's how it usually works.
I made 3 calendars on the computer for 1995. A copy in each bedroom and one for the back room.
Yesterday we began making a new period chart, but we ran into trouble. We'll get it done soon, though.
Tom went over to work on David and Evie's computer.
This morning before work we had some fun. We tried it with me on top again. That's getting so much easier now too, and I require less and less lubrication. It's been a while now since I've felt sexually deprived and I don't miss that at all. It's a good feeling to feel sexually fulfilled.
I was due today for my period, but it looks like this month I'll be a day late like last month. I can feel it coming on. Well, sort of. My pre-cramps aren't that bad at all, but the way my boobs feel is another thing. Those don't feel too bad either, but I'll be waking up with it tomorrow.
I typed letters to Tammy and my parents and now I'm going to go eat, then maybe work some more on my subindex.
10/27/1994 Thurs. 10:17 AM
Happy 7th year anniversary to these journals!
This is day two of being late with my period. I called Tammy and told her how I felt like I was going to get it and she said she felt like she was going to get her period too, before she got pregnant. I told her I didn't want to jump the gun, but that if I did ever find out I was pregnant for sure, I wouldn't tell mom and dad. She said that'd be stupid and that I didn't have to take any shit from them if they gave us any. Of course, we wouldn't. She suggested I get an over-the-counter pregnancy test which you can use as soon as you're only 1 day late. She said she had bad morning sickness with Lisa and it was mild with Becky and Sarah. I forgot the name of it, but she said she has something that numbed her downstairs and they made an incision. Yeah, I've heard of that. She didn't have the shot they give you in the spine. She said it hurts but is worth it.
Again, I reminded her that he doesn't cum and asked her if the chances of me getting pregnant were close to none. She said no. Even though my periods have been normal for quite some time, my body's entitled to some imperfection, so I may not be. If I am, then that's just truly amazing for it to be that easy to conceive without the guy cumming. Especially being a DES daughter, and thank fucking God I didn't get pregnant those few other times when guys came. If I am, I believe Tom when he says he'd be as happy as I'd be, but I still have my usual fears and a million questions. Will I have a miscarriage or die having it, if I can have it naturally? Will it ruin what Tom and I have? Can we really afford it? How will my parents react? Will I truly be able to be a good mother and deal with it? Will I be forever fat and a major turn-off to Tom? He's always been there and true to his word when he said he'd be a good husband. I know he'd be a good father, but what if deep down inside he doesn't want to have a kid, even though he says he does? What if he's wrong about saying it won't ruin us, I can handle it, I won't turn him off, I will survive it, and I won't be forever fat?
Well, this is only my second day of missing my period, so we'll wait and see. Thankfully, Tammy was encouraging. She didn't say shit like, "Why now? Are you sure you want this and are prepared to handle it? What about your surgery?"
Tom says surgery should be no problem in the 1st trimester, but if I have to postpone it, I will. I've already been like this for 29 years. If I am pregnant, I will surely want to keep it. It'd be hard to consider abortion even if Tom got on his knees and begged me to, but I know he'd never do that. He's never fooled me yet, but I know some people can suddenly fool you. I hope he's happy if I am, though I still have a feeling a kid was never meant to be.
Last night I told Tom I was excited, yet nervous about Kim's visit and he said he could understand that. Should I cancel her coming here if I am, so we don't end up in a fight where he wants to leave me?
Noon
No, I am not pregnant. I just had some spotting. Tammy said she didn't have that and doesn't know if it's possible. Well, like I said, it's possible for someone to get pregnant if the guy doesn't cum, but I think it's very unlikely. Plus, we don't qualify to be parents. We're not druggies or assholes. The ironic thing, if it was, though, when I was wondering was what Bob said in his letter. He said, "It won't be long now, will it? Do I know something you don't? Maybe I do. Who knows?"
I have only a few more pages to type up of journal 18, but my disk might be screwed up. Tom said not to worry and that all he'd have to do is give me a new disk. Meanwhile, I typed up some tips for him on Windows & DOS from a magazine he wanted to be typed up.
When I read back on Maliheh, I couldn't believe how vague and shitty a writer I was. I failed to write how she asked me to dance with her the second we met, and she shook my hand. And also, how she kissed me as I was leaving.
12:30 PM
Well, I just got to see another 18-year-old violent, doped-up pregnant girl on a talk show. Now I'll go continue with Tom's tip list. I also made up what we call a master copy grocery list.
2 PM
Just got a letter from Kim and typed a reply back. Out of those 50 tips, I have 15 done. Later or tomorrow I'll type to Bob.
I still have a spot here and there, so I'm 100% sure that tomorrow I'll have my period full force.
10/28/1994 Fri. 4:30 PM
Today my period hit full blast. I think it was the water pills that delayed it those couple of days.
Last night Tom set the computer to capitalize the first letter of each sentence. This makes it quicker and easier to use all different fonts. He still needs to set it to cap after a question mark and an exclamation mark, and the beginnings of paragraphs. This way, all I have to cap are the i's and names of people and places. When I go to use the spell check, it corrects i'm into I'm and i'll into I'll and stuff like that. He says there's a way to set the paragraphs. I'll have to have him show me that and also how to print out envelopes.
Got a Bob letter today and now I'm going to go see if I can get ahold of Kim.
10/30/1994 Sun. 5 PM
I'll use the S labels until the end of this book.
Yesterday we went out and I got Gloria's oldies CD. Most of the songs on it I never really liked, but her singing was good and the picture of her on the cover's nice. Her hair's growing out again and it's straighter. I've heard all the songs that are on it. I mean, I at least knew of all the songs. There are a couple of upbeat disco ones that I like. Tom likes most of the ones I don't.
I finished Tom's 50 tips in Windows & DOS, saved it and printed it out. He oughta be quite happy with it.
Last night I tried to print pictures with the new color ribbon and there's a problem with the 8" and up pictures. I also learned how to change ribbons. When you stick a color ribbon in the printer, you have to tell the printer there's a color ribbon in it. All you do is hit two buttons. One says "install," and the other says "color ribbon."
Hang on and let me go get a smoke. Then, I'll tell you about Andy and our (Tom & I) talk to my parents.
5:37 PM
Back again. I also stopped to sew the strap on my red lace and chiffon and satin nightie. Also, a white lace pair of panties. Very hard to sew.
Gosh, my handwriting's a nightmare today.
Anyway, Andy quit Denny's. He just got fed up with his bitch manager named Linda. So fed up that this was the first time he quit a job before finding another. Later, I'll call him to see if he found another one. He was going through today's paper when we talked earlier.
Yesterday my parents called, and Tom answered. My mom started off by saying, "Hi Tom. Do you know who this is?" Tom guessed Andy and could only pick up on the definite eastern accent, and my mom said something like, "I hope not." And he was saying how Andy sometimes disguises his voice. After Tom said he hoped no one was offended, but I’m sure she was cracking up over it.
So they talked about Tom's job and the main reason they were calling was cuz I said in my letter that I may not be able to call them on the day of my surgery. I guess I forgot to say that Tom will call for me if I can't. Tom's going to call them from the hospital during surgery. I had thought one of us would call from here after surgery, but that's cool.
When Mom asked me if I was learning to cook, Tom jokingly said I was learning how to watch him. Then I told her how I always make his lunch for work and we take turns cooking here. She knows we mainly do microwave stuff and don't cook every day. Then Mom said Dad doesn't like her to cook for him every day and I said that's cuz she burns everything. Dad agreed. Dad said Gloria was there cooking and that she was a lousy cook.
6 PM
I just talked to Tammy, who wants me to ask Tom if we can copy any games and put Windows on her computer somehow.
Tom's home now and we're going to play around in a few. He got our other monitor back from Eldon and soon I'll have a computer in my room. He really loved how I typed up those tips. They're fancy, yet very professional looking.
I made him this week's lunch sandwiches and stuck them in the freezer.
We're going to send Tammy and Bill and the girls' computer games, but first I'll have to call Tammy to see what kind of processor, monitor, etc. she has.
I still haven't called Andy, but I will later. I still have to tell him how Tom thought Mom was him.
This Wednesday we're going to the Arizona state fair. Can't wait. The day before, he's going to go to the racetrack to hopefully win money so we'll have more to take to the fair with us.
10/31/1994 Mon. 7 PM
So far we've had 3 trick-or-treaters. I've been giving them Reese’s and Milky Ways.
Larry called a little while ago and we had a nice chat. I even talked to Sandy. They're both happy that I'm happy.
He's no longer driving so he can spend more time with the family. He's driving a gasoline truck locally. He said one of these days they'll all get out here; Sandy's never been here, and that when we come to visit we can stay with them. He says he misses his little sister.
We each told each other a joke, and when I asked what Larry and Jenny were dressing up as, he said “assholes.” Then he told me she was a cat. They've had over 150 kids. Wow!
I brought up the pie incident that happened years ago where Larry dropped a whole pie all over the living room carpet. Sandy wasn't too happy, but Larry, the kids, and I were cracking up. He said they were just talking about that a few days ago.
Now that he'll be home, I wonder if he'll go see Tammy.
Andy went to 6 restaurants today but had no luck so far. He has another interview tonight at 8:00, so hopefully he'll luck out.
After I fill up tons of no-postage-necessary envelopes, I'll give them to him to mail out since we live in a house and they can be easily traced to us.
I did a hell of a lot around the house today. I vacuumed, dusted, rearranged, cleaned the kitchen, worked out, and am really making a point to smoke outside.
When Tom came home, we made dinner. He barbecued steak and I fried hash browns.
Tomorrow I might go to the racetrack with him and his parents.
I learned a few new things on the computer, but I'll explain them later. Now that we got the other monitor back from Eldon, he's going to put together that second computer.
I just wrote down some questions to ask Tammy so we can send games. Tomorrow I'll mail out Bill's birthday card so he'll have it by the 8th.
8 PM
Well, we've had way more than 4 trick-or-treaters now. More like 20-30. We only have 9 candy bars left, so after 1 more ring of the doorbell, I'll shut the light off, hook the screen, and whatever's leftover will be ours.
I'm recording a movie right now and sitting in the living room so I can hear the door. I just hooked the screen and turned the outside light off, speaking of it, as 3 more kids came. We've got 6 candy bars left for us and we turned the living room and kitchen lights off, as Tom's in the back room and I'm in my room. Even though my room is at the front of the house, they'll never notice it, as I've got those soundproofing things up along with tin foil behind it.
I don't know if I'll be continuing on with my subindex in 81. Maybe I'll work on that later.
Tom showed me how to search for certain words in a document. For example, if I have a 10-page document and I was to search for the word sex, the search command will find and highlight all of them that are in the document. When doing my journals, I can cap anything after a question mark or an exclamation mark but not the first letter of a word that begins a paragraph. However, if they’re names I use, I don't need to bother to cap it cuz I'm going to cap all the names afterward anyhow. That's another thing I learned. I can take all the Tammys or Andys and cap them all. The only other thing I don't need to cap that begin paragraphs are words like, I'll, I'm, I'd, cuz the spell check will tell me to cap those anyway.
8:42 PM
There are still some trick-or-treaters out, as I can hear dogs. The blessing of it is, though, that they're off in the distance. Inside the house it's quiet, the dog next door's not out, and there are no dogs across the street right in front of us.
I'm still debating whether or not to do the rest of the subindex. It'd be nice to have, but not worth the pain of doing it. Anyway, I've got through the rest of this book and the next to decide if I want to continue it. I highly doubt I will, though. I'll at least have the worst parts of my life done in the subindex. All the Springfield, S. Deerfield and Norwich books. In other words, all the MA and CT books.
I also hooked up an old phone of mine that I believe I had on Oswego St. The living room speakerphone had a dual-jack connector, so I hooked it up so there are two phones in the living room till Tom goes into the attic and runs the phone, audio and video wires. This way we can both talk to my parents, Tammy, Andy or whoever.
I jokingly asked Tom if he thought Larry was Andy and he said he thought it was Fran for a second. Yeah, I can see how he might have thought Larry was Fran. They both have deep voices.
There sure are a lot of helicopters out there. One was shining its light down, so they could've been looking for someone.
