November 1992

11/1/1992 Sunday 1 PM

I woke up at 8:30 needing to take my meds. I fell back asleep till 11:30.

I just spoke to Mary, who said she let Moon Shadow out because she was climbing the door to get out.

Mary’s also going to a memorial service for a girlfriend of hers who was killed by her boyfriend in Glendale. She was saying how she wants a guy but can’t trust them. I was saying I want a real woman, but they’re all straight.

I am out on my patio now with Moon Shadow.

1:30 PM

OK, now I’ll get through the story once and for all. Stacey accused me of several things I didn’t do, as well as of petty bullshit I did do. I already mentioned the shit with Ellie. I also played Stacey a message from Ellie, which was no different than what she got from me.

Robert also went to Stacey, but that was only due to my complaining about him and turning his propositions down. I left him some funny messages before all this happened, and he got a big kick out of it. Also, like with the calls I gave and got from Ellie, they weren’t pranks in a bad way—just our usual weird stuff.

The rest of the stuff Stacey had to say was totally ludicrous, telling me something obvious, and that’s that she’s got some kind of personal vendetta against me for sure. Everyone else I’ve spoken to agrees with me.

As I wrote before, I moved, I came up here to see the place. The girl seemed very nice about it. All her shit was moved out, and I wasn’t in her way and was only here two minutes. Apparently, she complained. Why couldn’t the bitch just tell me to leave or not bother to open her door? What a vindictive little wimp. She didn’t have to show me the place.

The other thing she mentioned was vandalism, which I know nothing about. She remained evasive, but Andy and I haven’t thrown eggs or anything. Andy did say, though, that one night he woke up to the sound of glass breaking and thought it was his car. He got up and checked his car, which was fine, and he didn’t see anything. I never heard any of this and was obviously asleep.

Stacey was also saying people don’t “understand” my friendship and that I’m always trying to get people’s phone numbers in the laundry room and at the pool, which is bullshit. Any phone numbers I have were offered to me, and if someone doesn’t want to give me their number, that’s fine. She also mentioned my inviting people up here as if it were millions of people. I’ve invited a few people up, like Tonya, Tara, Dennis, or Randy. A lot of people ask to come up and also invite me to their place, and if someone doesn’t want to come up, I don’t pressure them. Why would she care who I invite to my own damn apartment anyway? Isn’t it my right to have company?

OK, so I’ve had a few problems with some people here like Rosemarie, Donna, and Fay. Fay moved, and I haven’t seen the other two assholes for ages. I haven’t seen Mark or Robert either, and I won’t have anything to do with Ellie.

She also says the office won’t accept any packages under different names, which is strictly out of spite. Why else would she care whose name it was in?

She then got even more out of line when she said she spoke to Ray, who referred her to Mike M. I do believe Ray called her, but that’s wrong of him, and Dad and Tammy agree. It was never the office’s business to know about my probation, and he had no right to contact them. She threatened to contact Mike, but he says he hasn’t heard from her. That was as of last Friday. I warned Stacey that if she calls Mike or continues harassing me, I’ll file charges. She has no right to talk to Mike or Ray, as this is confidential and privileged information.

She was also extremely contradictory. One minute, she truthfully admits she doesn’t know me. Next, she’s judging me and pretending to know me quite well. She puts words in my mouth and gives me all these false ideas about what I’m all about as a person. She’d go from telling me I need to meet more people to telling me I should keep to myself, as if she had the right to tell me what to do in the first place. This bitch would tell me I’m confused, yet I know myself better than anyone else ever will. She also said I’m lonely, and there’s a difference between lonely and alone. The fact is that I’m alone and not at all lonely because of assholes like her and 80% of the population.

She told me I ought to get a part-time job or do volunteer work and asked why I couldn’t move to Florida, where my parents are, as if it’s any of her business.

She told me she knew where I was and what I was doing. She said if someone didn’t tell her, she’d find out anyway. I told Andy I asked her if she was spying on me. Andy said he asked the same thing. After all, comments like that make one wonder.

Then she got further out of line by telling Andy to dump me and not spend so much time with me. But he doesn’t spend much time with me. He works full-time, and we’re usually on different schedules and in our own space. He’s not overly sociable either, though he is more of a people person than I ever was. Nonetheless, he said she implied to him that it’s unfortunate I’m directly behind him rather than two buildings down and that I’m just oh-so-much trouble, and therefore he should stay away from me. He gave her a piece of his mind and told her to back off and mind her own business.

Some of my friends and I went over all the possible reasons she could be doing this to me. We ruled out my being Jewish and gay, because there are other Jews here and other gays here, though that still could be it. Kara suggested my looks, but I disagree. Stacey may not be beautiful, but she’s not ugly. I think it’s just a matter of my looking young and dumb and easy to step on. I think, and I hope, she’ll be backing off now that I've proved the opposite of what I appear to be. With threatening charges and family and friends on my side, maybe she’ll back off. However, if she continues the harassment, things will get worse for her. She’ll end up wishing she never messed with me, and the sooner she realizes she’s picked on the wrong person, the better for her. I will go to court if I have to. I told her not to talk with Ray or Mike, no matter who calls whom, and to leave me and my friends alone.

That night, three firecrackers were thrown up here. Was this bitch behind it, or was it connected to Mark or Robert?

The next day after the big meeting with Stacey, I was fuming mad and scared about extradition. I gave up trying to figure out exactly what could be motivating her. I was so pissed at her nerve and people and life in general. I was sick of dealing with people fucking with me when I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I went out to try to walk off my steam. I was sick of seeing people do all kinds of shit worse than I’ve done and get away with it. I began wishing I could drop dead so I wouldn’t have to live a second-best life. No singing career, no sex, and just one problem after another with people. Even when you’re good to people, they’ve still got to fuck you over.

I remembered the time Rosemarie and Rick came screaming at my door and figured if they can do that, so can I. I wasn’t gonna be intimidated by anyone, and I dared Stacey in my mind to do something about this. I was gonna give people a real reason to hate me, and I lost my cool.

I went over and knocked on Ellie’s door. She could see I was fuming by the look in my eyes. She asked what the problem was, and I told her she had a lot of nerve. She told me to write it in a letter and shut the door. For about two minutes, I gave her a piece of my mind outside her door. Then she had a table there with a glass, an ashtray, and a plant. I was so fed up with her shit that I flipped the table. I should’ve dumped her long ago, and I feel not one bit guilty about doing what I did to that table.

So that evening, two men and a woman from Terros came out to talk with me. They were very helpful in relaxing me. It was last Thursday night that they came out. While they were here, Ellie called. She was yelling so loud and talking so fast that the only words I could make out were “Clean up the mess.” I hung up on her, and the next day she left some plant soil by my door. That was kind of amusing because it was so childish.

As cheap and as beautiful as these apartments and grounds are, sometimes I don’t feel like I’m in an apartment but rather one big house with a Dureen-like tyrant called Stacey ruling it. Never did the landlords or managers back east butt into their tenants’ business like this, not that I miss it there. The Remby brothers did to a degree, but that was nothing compared to this. I felt like a child having to answer to a parent when confronted by Stacey and her shit.

2:10 PM

I am out by the pool now. It’s such a gorgeous day. I was just chatting with Steve. He’s on his patio sawing wood to make a birdcage. That sound reminds me of being at the beach in April or May when everyone’s fixing up their cottages for the summer. I haven’t seen his girlfriend Sue for ages. I told him to say hi to her.

I just ran into Linda, and I showed her my place. She asked me, mind you, and no, I’m not gonna call the office and bitch about it. I don’t stab people in the back like that. Besides, if I didn’t want to show her the place, I’d just say no. Anyway, she liked it but agreed I could use more closet space. Other than that, I don’t need more space because I have no furniture and this way there’s less to clean. On the other hand, it’d be nice to have more space to fit furniture in and have dressers to put my clothes in, which are in suitcases and duffel bags all over my closet floor and under my bed.

A few days ago, when all this shit with Stacey happened, Brad called about my cleaning his mother’s house. I said no because I’m so sick of house cleaning and may do exotic dancing this month with Tara, who’s turning 19 soon. If Tara can’t do it because of how busy she is and because of her weight, then maybe I’ll go along with Tonya a couple of nights a week. Tonya’s only working a couple of nights a week anyway.

I’m grateful not to live where there are 10,000 kids surrounding my apartment like termites, but at times it’s obnoxious to hear the ones that live here and their nonstop screaming. I can barely hear them over my TV, and I came here to the pool to hear less of them. Earlier, while I was writing at my table, I had to put on my edits. The little tape recorder Andy gave me was right on the table next to me, and I could still hear the little twirpettes. I put on my headphones. Several others have said they’ve complained. Gordy even called the cops because of their vandalism of the grass, property, and cars. Linda said they fucked up her car. They should have a specific area for these kids to play, away from people and their cars. I’ve given up complaining, and I think others have too. Nothing gets done about it.

I still have lots to write about, but I’d like to go finish the shows I taped.

7:05 PM

Andy is here now, and he’s grilling pork chops out on the grill. He just went to check them, and the edits are playing while I write. I still have massive amounts of editing to do.

Gloria’s gonna be on Entertainment Tonight. I’m also gonna be taping a movie about the true story of a woman who murdered her husband. Last year, they had part one of her story. I didn’t know there’d be a part two until I just saw it in the TV guide Randy left by my door.

7:55 PM

The movie’s going on in five minutes.

Dinner was good, and Mary called during dinner like everyone does when you’re busy or eating. I didn’t answer because my hands were all greasy. When I called her, she told me a very familiar story. Her toilet overflowed, and she wanted a mop, but I don’t even have a broom yet. She called maintenance out with their water vac. She said this has happened to her five times.

8:51 PM

As far as Terros is concerned, well, they’re gonna call on Monday to see how I am. They may also have some referrals for me—legal aid numbers in case I ever need them, but I sure hope not.

As for Dennis, I spoke to him about Stacey and probation, and he agrees Stacey’s fucked up. Also, they can’t extradite me, as they gave me written permission to come here.

Last Friday night, Andy left me a message saying Ellie came to his door. She wanted to “apologize” to me but wanted him to go with her because she was afraid of me—afraid I might go off on her. He said he told her, “It’s your problem. That’s got nothing to do with me.” I told him he did the right thing. I didn’t get his message till after Ellie came over. She stood halfway down the stairs after she knocked and I opened the door. I screamed at her, saying, “You fucked me over and I fucked you over. We’re even now, so don’t ever call or come to my door again!” I chased her down the stairs, and she ran like hell. As a rule, I never hit anyone weaker than me unless they try to trash my stuff or something. I only meant to scare her as I did, and I haven’t seen or heard from her since. Ellie’s like Fran and Nervous. If they can’t get positive attention, they’ll get negative attention.

10:48 PM

Last Saturday, Randy and I spoke about the situation with Stacey and probation. The first time we spoke was the night all this happened. We met at the pool, where I brought chocolate chip cookies and he brought milk.

He said he felt like giving Stacey a piece of his mind, but Andy told me yesterday that’s exactly what he plans to do on his day off. He also plans to teach Ellie a lesson. Randy and Andy insisted on doing this on their own as friends. Never did I suggest this to them.

Andy said Ellie said, “You’ve been a perfect gentleman through all of this.” Well, the “perfect gentleman” is gonna show Ellie how he feels when someone screws his friend over. He plans sometime soon to go over and seem very friendly, then flip on her.

Randy fixed the space bar, and then he also had to fix something else with it. This was very dumb of me, but I shut the case on the cord. I left the typewriter in its case, which is a lot heavier than it looks. It severed the cord, and because electricity is so hot, it melted the rim of the case—part of it, anyway. It could’ve easily started a fire, and I didn’t know that. He spliced the cord, though, and says he’ll get some electrical tape.

I’ll also have to ask Dennis about the glue he’s getting to fix my speakers.

11:53 PM

Tomorrow I must do my laundry. I have three to four loads to do. I want to wash my comforter, so that’s one whole load in itself. I’ll also continue reading back through my journals and timing each one. I’ll do some more letter writing and finally get on with my editing. As for writing stories, who knows yet?

I hope this week I get letters from my family and Bob. I wish Kim would call to let me know how she likes her tapes. Can’t count on Fran ever writing, no matter what he says. As for Nervous, he’ll never write for sure, and I wonder just what the hell has set him off. While Andy was back home, Nervous and I had a two- to three-hour damn good talk. So how we went from that to his refusing to speak to me, I do not know. He claims to have finally gotten sex after nine years. I doubt that because he’s just in too foul a mood for a guy who’s supposedly gotten his first lay in nine years.

A funny, shocking, and totally amazing thing happened last week when Fran called. He called Nervous with the three-way. At first, I remained silent, and Nervous spoke fairly kindly to Fran. They did chat for a while. That’s one surprise. The really big surprise was when Nervous hung up when I spoke. Totally unlike him. He’d always hate to talk to others associated with me and would always talk to me only. He has hung up on me in the past, but he certainly never chose to speak to Fran over me. Oh well. I know he enjoys his letters anyway, no matter what.

As I mentioned earlier in this book, I wrote Bobbie a funny letter and included some hair and my address and phone number. I always liked her, and she called me. We had a nice chat for about 15 minutes. She said she’d write, but I know how people are, even if they mean well. She’ll never write. Fran also called her on the three-way, and she said I sounded like a sweetheart and very happy here.

11/2/1992 Monday 12:11 AM

Tammy said there’s no way they can extradite me, whether Arizona refuses me or not. They gave me written permission to be here.

She’s gonna have Sheila (from Greenfield) contact me about working out a deal. Maybe I can write to her. Sheila’s cool, so I’m sure she won’t give me any trouble.

She’s also gonna blast Stacey and give her hell for the shit she’s pulled on me. Believe me, she can sound quite intimidating.

There’s a fucking cricket chirping in my vent above my bed. I know they’re harmless and better than these huge sewer roaches, but they’re obnoxious because they jump out at you and freak you out when you least expect it.

Little House on the Prairie comes on soon, but I should hit the sack.

The lawnmowers come tomorrow, and now that it’s not so hot, they come around 9 AM. That’s about when I want to get up. If you want to sleep late, you really have to put on the radio. You’ll hear kids screaming their way off to school and the maintenance guys talking. Other people, too. Not always, but usually. The only other thing that sucks is the kids screaming outside after school and on weekends, but I do like it here so much better than in 163. This building’s quieter.

I hope Jane, that deaf girl, calls this week.

11/3/1992 Tuesday 4:44 PM

I haven’t heard from my sister yet. I hope to soon. I hope I start getting some letters soon, too.

No one from the office has harassed me, so I hope they got the message.

Today is an extremely windy day, very much with a feeling of fall. It sort of feels like being at home during the beginning of September in MA and CT. They’ve got to be absolutely freezing. This is what I’ve heard. Because it’s so dry and breezy today, it is a little bit chilly. I’ve shut my windows.

Today they vote for president. I never vote, as they’re all quacks anyway. I believe Bill Clinton will win, and that’s OK with me because he seems to be the most liberal of them all.

Last night, after dinner, Andy and I went to South Mountain. I’ve never ever witnessed any scenery so beautiful. Just when I thought you could see forever on Squaw Peak and Camelback Mountain—well, you can see forever and ever on top of this one. It was gorgeous and breathtaking, and I wish my family could see this. You could see thousands of lights throughout the valley. The Valley of the Sun, they call it. It took 15 minutes just to drive up this mountain, and my ear would pop going up and coming down. It was extremely windy up there, yet he and I did our own things. He did an interview while I was with “Saundra.”

I met a butch yesterday as I was on my way into the laundry room. God, I wish I could settle and not give a damn about looks. She seemed friendly enough, but she sure did shock me and scare me by asking me where I work. They usually don’t bother asking this, but I said I did little odds and ends. She says she works in the records department at Baptist Hospital. Also, she’s from Maine, and she’s 29 and has been in AZ for 18 years and at this complex for almost a year.

I only told her the state I’m from, my age, and how long I’ve been here.

She said she’s been to two gay bars I’ve been to; however, she doesn’t know I’m gay. She may sense it, though, as you can sense each other out at times. Low-income people, too. We sense each other out. The only other thing she asked was what kind of music I like.

This girl’s not the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen, but she’s between plain and ugly. She could’ve been thinking one of two things, but I don’t know for sure. One thing she could very well think is that I’m too feminine. The other is that maybe she did like me, as the very few fems out there usually go for butches, and butches prefer fems. There are also lots of butch couples because they have no choice when 98% of gay women are butches. The other reason she may have liked me is that God would have it that way and be sure to send me the ones I’m not attracted to. God forbid if I ever run into her again (and I hope not, to make things easier), should I say no? Should I remain celibate forever or start settling? But settling for no men and certainly not ultra-fat or ugly women is what I would do if I did settle.

7:39 PM

I am now watching the presidential campaign. Never before has it interested me. Usually, two months after we get a new president, I’m like, “By the way, who’s the new president?” I’m for Clinton because he’s more liberal and for gay rights. Also for a woman’s right to choose whether or not to have an abortion. The reason why I’m pro-choice is because of rape, incest, and the life of the mother. There are enough unwanted kids in this world with not enough loving people to adopt them. Also, why put the mother through the emotional and physical shit when she doesn’t want a kid? And this world is way too overpopulated. As I said, they’re all quacks, but Republicans are too narrow-minded and want all people to follow a certain set of rules. Clinton’s gonna win by a landslide. Now I’m waiting to hear about local issues and propositions.

It is nice to finally be doing OK for a change. My electric bill’s gonna be dirt cheap, and my phone bill will only be $30. I have a little over $200 after deducting my rent, so that leaves me enough cash. Then there’ll be my mom’s $50.

9 PM

Clinton won, luckily, and the government can’t step into the abortion issue. All abortions for any reason are legal.

Andy called a little while ago. He’s going to some friend’s house that he works with.

According to what he’s told me and what I’ve seen, Stephanie is one major undependable airhead.

I still have many things I want to do.

I want to finish the drawing of Tammy, Bill, and the girls. Perhaps this can be their Chanukah present, since I can’t afford to send anything. I would like to send at least $10 to Tammy for all the collect calls I’ve made to her. It’s not much, but it’s something.

So anyway, here are all the little projects I want to do: Finish the drawing, eventually see about photocopying other drawings I’ve done to send to Tammy, editing and letter writing. I also want to continue reading back through my journals and maybe write stories. I’m still not sure as far as stories go. If I do, should I type them? Or should I write them in a journal? I’ll just wait and see if I get any for my birthday. That’s what I want most, as I have an electric typewriter now. All I really need is a full-length mirror, and I only need one, whereas I can never have too many journals.

11 PM

While I’m watching Hunter, I’m gonna write about a series of wacko dreams I had last night. They sure were strange, and I dreamt about bits and pieces of different things that made no sense. In one dream, I remember seeing the younger Linda Ronstadt in person. I don’t believe we spoke, and I don’t know where this was or what the occasion was. It didn’t look too much like Linda, but somehow I just knew it was her. She was talking to someone else whose face I couldn’t see. I have no idea what it's about.

Then I dreamt I was in a big house belonging to a big family. The family wasn’t home, but I knew they were on their way home. Somehow, I knew Rosemarie was gonna be on TV. Why? Who knows. I thought to myself how I wanted to quickly grab my scrapbook of pictures because I wanted them to see what she looks like. The family came home before I could do so.

Guess I’ll finish with the rest of the dreams after I watch TV. Or during commercials, I can do more writing. I just don’t feel like taping it.

11/4/1992 Wednesday 1:40 AM

Andy may be calling any minute. He called from his friend's place, and I told him to call when he gets in.

The electrical situation in this building and the other one sucks. The volume on my TV, tape recorder, and stereo goes in and out.

Andy just got in. I heard his door.

Well, as far as the rest of my dreams, they’re crazy. Much crazier than the ones I already mentioned. I guess there was going to be a nuclear war, and people were freaking out. I was downtown somewhere, or in some busy place with lots of buildings and people. People were killing each other and themselves. Even little kids were jumping off the roofs of buildings. The next thing I knew, I was inside a building, walking down a crowded hallway. Four people were carrying a dead body in a body bag. As I continued to walk, I realized the floor had become slippery. I looked down to see that there was blood everywhere.

My last dream was the strangest. I was in a car with two women. The one driving had a gun. She wanted to take me to this ditch and shoot me into it. The girl in the passenger seat was trying to stop this woman and stop her from shooting me. I don’t know who these women were or why they wanted to shoot me, but I wasn’t as scared as a girl who might lose her life should be. They brought me to the parking lot of a restaurant, and we all got out of the car. I remember telling myself to move cautiously and not bolt off running so fast so as not to cause the woman to shoot me. She came around and pointed the gun at me. I froze. I thought, well gee, I guess of all the times I’ve wished I was dead, this was it. But then she changed her mind, and they both got in the car and drove off.

Now here’s the last strange hitch to this dream. This restaurant was owned by a tall, beautiful, long-haired girl. She had blond hair, wore a black shirt, and lots of nice necklaces. This gorgeous, feminine owner of this place was my girlfriend, and I ran from the parking lot into the restaurant and right into her arms. Then I woke up.

2:08 AM

Andy just called from Denny’s. He wanted to know if I wanted to split a burger.

Hell, yeah.

Downtown Phoenix is gorgeous. It’s so classy and blows downtown Springfield away. All the buildings are so modern. Some have awesome designs and shapes.

Andy said he’ll be here in 20 minutes, but I know he really means 40. It must’ve been someone else’s door I heard close.

Someone’s got to check my bed frame. It feels like it’s loosening. That’s all I need, to be sound asleep when I suddenly go crashing down. I guess the clamps don’t quite fit all that well.

4:30 PM

I am in the midst of the most gorgeous scenery now. We are back on South Mountain. He has never been here during the day, and of course, neither have I. It’s breathtaking, and I can see a million houses and roads. There are many huge mountains surrounding us. The mountains are mostly rock, sand, and cacti. It sure does look like the desert.

Andy went off to explore, and I’m sitting in the car. He’s probably doing an imaginary interview.

11/6/1992 Friday 3:08 AM

I can’t sleep, and that pisses me off.

I fixed my bed frame a few nights ago. It was a simple adjustment.

I had to go to the office to put in a work order to fix the lock on my door, which was getting harder to open. As I walked into the office, I was bummed to see only Stacey there. She just said, “Jodi,” with a nod of her head as I walked in. I simply told her the problem and left.

I still haven’t heard from my sister, so I don’t know if she spoke to Stacey or Sheila yet. I really wish she’d hurry up and close my checking account in Norwich.

Stacey hasn’t harassed me, but if she does, she’ll go to court with me. Maybe my threats of court were enough to scare her off. Or maybe she just realized she was way out of line and what she did was wrong. If she doesn’t drop it and if she contacts me about it, I’ll simply tell her that unless she has an apology for me, I have nothing to say.

I got a package from my parents. They sent towels, which I have enough of; some jellies, which I never use; a pad of lined paper, typing paper, this pen I’m writing with, toilet paper, a purple-colored basket, four different neon-colored pencils, coupons, tape, scissors, a cigarette case, and some of this stuff I gave to Andy.

She wrote two notes. One saying to please send her two of the monthly bulletins, cuz they’re interesting. The other note said she kept most of the pictures; my place looks great, I look happy, and maybe they’ll come visit me next year.

What does next year mean? January of ’93 or December of ’93?

She sent back the pictures I figured she’d send back. All the ones of me in my bikini where you could see me from head to toe. Also, one from karaoke. She kept one karaoke, though, and maybe a couple of other shots of me in my suit. She also sent a few back that came out too dark. I’m sending these to Nervous.

Still no letters from anyone, but what else is new? As I said, I finished one for Fran. Next, I’ll do one for Nerv and Tammy and Lisa. I’ll get these all out by Saturday. By the end of next week, I’ll have letters for Tammy, Lisa, and Becky, and Mom and Dad. Kim and Bob, too. It’ll be another month before Fran and Nervous get letters.

5:50 PM

I’m kind of bored and depressed right now. More so than I’ve been in a very long time. I do have plenty to do around here, but I’m having one of those why-can’t-I-be-a-singer and what’s-my-purpose-in-life spells. Well, then again, I know why I can’t be a singer, and that’s cuz I have no money and won’t sleep my way there. After I go through that in my mind, as I have a million times, I ask the next question: what’s my purpose in life? I try telling myself that being at home is better than having to get up early every day, which I can’t do, and go to a job I hate and have to deal with people till I get fired, even without doing anything to deserve it. But I still feel like a waste product.

I did some singing today, and later Andy will be calling. Randy may also call if he goes to the store.

I should do letter writing, editing, and drawing, but I kind of want to get out of here. To go where, I don’t know. I wish it were still summer and that Andy and I could go to Camelback Mountain to do our thing. However, it’s a work night for him, and he’ll be crashing early.

I have a few other unpleasant things on my mind, such as Tonya. I lent her two skirts, a shirt, and a dress. I know she’d never rip me off, but she’s a typical airhead I’m used to dealing with. Plus, she is gorgeous, so that ought to tell you something. I called over there yesterday and Tara answered. She is also pissed at Tonya’s non-dependability. Tonya got three calls from Tara’s boss saying she need not come to work, and Tonya never gave her the message. Tara said she’d speak to her, and I left another message a while ago saying I want them by tomorrow.

Another bothersome question is: why hasn’t my sister called? What about my dad’s test results? Her talk with Sheila and Stacey?

When Andy calls, I’m gonna have him put through a collect call to Kim. I think the only way to reach her would be later at night.

I also continue to wonder if Stacey has any nasty tricks up her sleeve, but if she does, I’ll deal with her.

I just had to get up to click the heat on. It’s amazing how fast and well it works. I only need to turn it on for a little while to take the chill out, then I can shut it off all night. The heat stays inside very well. I see what they mean when they say Arizona only has two seasons. It went from very hot to very chilly. For the last week or so, I’ve really felt like I was in Massachusetts. But this is how it would be there around the beginning of September, not the beginning of Nov.

11/7/1992 Saturday 2:42 AM

Well, as you can see, my schedule’s screwed up again, but oh well. I can’t force myself to go to sleep whenever I want to.

I haven’t heard from that deaf girl, but since she did call me, I’ll call her. She gave me her number, and I’ve got the relay number.

Tara called to say that she spoke to Tonya, who is washing my clothes and will give them to me tomorrow. Tara’s not as undependable as Tonya, but she is a little. She told me she’d call me when she got in from a party. As I figured, she never called, and I wanted to give her her b-day card.

Randy went to the store and dropped off some lotion for me, which I needed very badly. I ran out, and you know how the Theodur really dries out my skin. And my hair. That was nice of him to pick it up for me while he was shopping.

Tomorrow Andy’s taking me out to a nice restaurant. His treat. I’m looking forward to that. Prime rib and seafood. We’re also gonna stop at Fry’s, one of the grocery stores here.

I began a letter to Tammy, but I’ll finish it tomorrow. I finished reading back in Journal 2, and now I’m on 3. What a horrible writer I was then. I was so vague and confused, naïve, vulnerable, and so damn dumb! It is kind of funny to look back at it now and laugh. It’s pretty amusing. I think, how could I think, do, or say certain things? I really would be embarrassed if anyone read my journals, especially the first half of them. But then again, who cares? I’m sure people have written more stupid, shocking, and amazing things than I have. Right? I’m sure, though, that Tammy read much more than I think or have any idea of, especially while I was in Natchaug. She’s got to have. She’s my sister. There are some things about people you’re close to that you just never quite know. Other things, you do know.

If I live a full life and die after my parents, sister, and Andy, I wonder what would become of these journals? Of all my stuff? If I dropped dead right now, I suppose Andy and Tammy may read them, but would my parents or anyone else? My parents, especially, would die over 95% of the shit in these journals.

I’m still not sure whether or not to do a story. I lost patience before and told myself to wait a while, then take another shot at it. Should I write it in a journal? A notebook? Type it? I think I should type it, then copy it into a journal. This is good for a few reasons. It’ll be like a rough draft, and I can make any changes I want to make when I copy it in. I have tons of typing paper. This way I can see how long it goes. It’ll go faster if I type it with no paragraphs, and any mistakes in my typing won’t matter, and I won’t get a crampy hand. At least not as much as when I write so much other stuff—writing in journals and writing letters. Yes, this is exactly what I definitely will do. I will type it. I wonder how long the story will go. Naturally, it can go as long as I keep it going, so I guess what I mean is how long it’s necessary to continue. There’ll be only so many parts and events to each story, so it depends on how far I expand on each part of the story. Or stories. I have stories in mind. There’s no real purpose in this. Just something to do. No one will read them, except maybe Andy. I can send the typed rough draft to Fran and Nervous.

11/10/1992 Tuesday 2:46 AM

Bob called today. I spoke to him and Andy and taped it. I’m listening to that tape now. Bob sent a letter to me in the mail yesterday. I hope I get it on Wednesday. Bob was the usual as far as Kim was concerned, going on and on about her. She abandons him more and more. I did manage to cheer him up, though. We laughed and told jokes and said our funny lines to each other.

Fran also called, saying that someone kicked his door in and made mincemeat out of him, landing him in the hospital. First, he told me the person who did it had a beef against someone he knew. Then he said the person was looking to go after the person who previously lived in Fran’s apartment. Either way, I believe it did happen. Andy asked me, “Do you believe that?” Yes, very much so. Knowing how Fran can piss people off and easily make enemies, I definitely believe it.

Andy said that Moon Shadow’s not a girl. It’s a boy, and he’s neutered. I got to thinking about that last night. I figured the odds of my finding a fixed cat were so slim. I never saw any balls, so I figured it was a she. Then I remembered all those saying she was too big for a girl cat. I realized he looked like Shadow did after he was fixed last night, when he was lying on his back. I also realized that if it were pregnant, it’d show for sure by now. If it were a non-fixed male, the place would stink as it did with Shadow before he was fixed. Andy said it does have balls, but they’re small. Is this another ironic coincidence, or what? Andy did say he’s a reincarnation of Shadow. A total carbon copy. God answered my prayers and had it fixed, as He knew I could never afford it. Kim paid to fix Shadow. This cat is Shadow in black and white rather than orange and white.

Now, why won’t He answer my prayers to be a singer and have some lust?

11/12/1992 Thursday 3:12 AM

It took me forever to do two small loads of laundry for Andy. One load in the washer kept stopping cuz it was off balance due to his heavy bath rug. One load in the dryer had to go through a second time cuz his clothes were still wet. But after quite a while, I got it done.

I also went and got some groceries with Dennis and his mother, to hold me over till I get my food stamps.

Tonya returned my clothes when I asked for them.

Last Sunday afternoon, I gave Tara a birthday card with some of our funny lines. She laughed and really liked it, but today is her birthday. Later on this evening, I’ll call her. If I don’t get her, I’ll leave her a message.

I also wrote letters to Steve and Cassandra. I have no idea where Steve is or even if he’s in MA. Still, I wrote to him at Woodside Terrace, knowing that his letter would be forwarded to wherever he is. Cassandra will no doubt be happy to hear from me. She’s been curious, no doubt, as to where the hell I’ve been. We were supposed to get together over the summer. I explained in the letter to both of them what’s happened since I got to Norwich. I gave them my address and phone number.

I still haven’t heard from Tammy or my parents, but I’ve sent them letters. Still can’t reach Kim either, but Bob says he can’t either. That’s Kim for you, but I’ve sent her letters as well as Bob, Fran, and Nervous. I can’t find Jessie’s address, and I still must call her.

Dennis picked up some very strong glue, and he’s gonna fix my speakers soon. He took my box spring and mattress off its frame. The clamps for the frame are too big, so it’s out on the patio. It was nice to have the extra space to store shit under my bed, but I made room in my closet.

Moon Shadow’s asleep on the bed now. I kind of like it better this way so he can’t mess with stuff under the bed. He’s an angel, and if there are a few things he doesn’t have in common with Shadow, that’s one of them. He’s very well behaved, but if I were to leave him here alone or have him indoors all the time, who knows what he’d do. Not only is it nice not to deal with litter boxes, but he’d wake me up for sure. Another thing that’s the opposite of Shadow is that Moon Shadow likes Andy.

7:14 AM

I just pulled the funniest prank, but it turned out to be a little weird. I called a radio station and asked for one of the DJs named Kathy. I asked if she was single. She said yes and that she’s given up, but her sister’s coming from Wisconsin and they plan to go out and have a blast. She said that either they would meet someone or they wouldn’t.

I told her I only want to get together twice a month or so with no strings attached. She asked me if I could call back at 10:00 when she’s ready to leave the station. I don’t know how long I can keep awake, as I’ve been up all night, but I gave her my number.

This girl’s either just going along with the game like April did, or she’s too stupid to realize I was hitting on her. Or perhaps she thought I was speaking on behalf of some guy.

I forgot to write about Mother Tucker’s restaurant. Of course, we call it Mother Fucker’s. Andy had a coupon for a prime rib and crab leg dinner, which we were gonna split. While we were waiting for an obnoxiously long time, we noticed several people complaining about the food being cold and uncooked. I wrote a crazy note to our definite fem waiter, then told him I was walking out. We waited forever just to have cold, raw food. So many people walked out. As we were walking out, the fem goes, “OK, let me gain my composure, and I’ll talk to you.”

Andy said, “There’s nothing to say. It won’t be necessary. She just wants to go home.”

We were cracking up on our way home. Then we pranked them about five times, and I hit on a gorgeous—and I mean gorgeous—hostess.

11/13/1992 Friday 4 AM

Friday the 13th always reminds me of my mom visiting in Deerfield. The last time I saw her was in September of 1991, I think, but it seems like longer. It seems like it was two years ago.

Well, the 13th was bad luck for Rachel downstairs. The EMTs were here. Nancy was out walking her dog. I guess she’s got to go to work, and she said her son met her, and something about her being an epileptic. I don’t know, but I called down there. An EMT answered, saying she was feeling a little lousy but would be OK.

My chest is tight and I’m wheezing. Gotta take my breathalyzer.

I met that deaf girl, Jane, earlier tonight. She’s very nice. She walked over cuz she only lives across the street in another complex. She’s 41 and is a teacher at the Phoenix Day School for the Deaf. She said I was very good, and I didn’t ask her. She just told me that and says she’s met her fair share of shitty signers too, who only know a few signs and phrases. I wanted someone deaf who knew sign well. Her speech is not as good as Marlee Matlin’s, but you can understand some words. Basically, you must read her signs to understand all she says.

Speaking of Marlee, she says she met her at some meeting with deaf people. She was the speaker, I guess, and that was here in Phoenix.

I will call her and we’ll meet again soon.

Now for some disturbing news. Moon Shadow hasn’t been around all day and night. Where in the world could he be? I only have two theories, but first of all, I can surely say he’d never wander off on his own. This is where his love, attention, and food are, so he’s held against his will somewhere. Who’d detain him, though? After I took him in, he’d go nowhere near anyone but Andy. He fought like hell to get out of Mary’s place, so if someone has him, I’m sure he’d be trying desperately to get out. I would think they’d let him go like Mary did if he were putting up a stink and trying to get out. I doubt he wandered off and got lost or was hit by a car. The most probable theory is that someone took him and won’t let him go.

There’s another theory I doubt, and I sure hope to hell it isn’t true. That’s that the office and maintenance people took him. However, I’ve been told by people that maintenance won’t nark on those who aren’t supposed to have pets. They refuse to get involved or stick their noses in where it doesn’t belong. But after my beef with Stacey, who knows? They’ve always been nice to me, and they’ve never given me any shit. Well, I never figured Stacey would either, but I think it’s more likely that some idiot somewhere has him.

I mean, what luck to have a cat who’s a carbon copy of Shadow and who’s neutered. I need this cat. God, please don’t take him now. Send him home to me, please.

11/16/1992 Monday 4:09 AM

I forgot to mention what Bob included in his letter. His hair, after he said he got two hairy letters from me.

I got a message from Tammy, who says she’ll let me know about Dad. She also mentioned something about surgery on her hip and having a cast put on. She says she’ll get hold of me in a few days.

Early yesterday morning, I finally contacted Kim. I guess I have a letter coming from her. She likes the tapes but hasn’t had time to hear them all yet. I believe that.

She likes her new apartment and has a crush on a doctor, but hasn’t dated him yet. She said Carol the cop’s son died of some tumor.

I’m gonna copy the letter Bob sent for her and send the original, written by Bob himself, to Nervous.

Randy and I walked to the grocery store and back two nights ago.

Still haven’t seen Moon Shadow. What a bummer. I really think someone stole him.

Still have more to write another time about Rachel, Judy, my records, and other things.

11/19/1992 Thursday 4:50 AM

Early in the morning, Tammy called. Everything’s fine with Dad, but she’s got some hip trouble. A ligament is damaged, so she’s going through treatment.

That time Rachel had the ambulance here was because she had a panic attack.

I had a close call myself with my asthma. I thought I was going to end up in the ER, but Judy from the office came up and calmed me down.

I do believe I scared Stacey off when I threatened her with court. She hasn’t fucked with me, and she’s been friendlier.

Tammy didn’t call Stacey, and she hasn’t heard from Sheila yet, who’s supposed to return her call. Tammy reminded me not to worry, as I have written permission to be here. I will never go back east.

Still no sign of Moon Shadow, which is so depressing.

I recorded all my albums and 45s onto cassettes. It took me 12 hours to do it, but I believe it’s well worth it. Now I have more room, and in 2–3 years, when my stereo keels over and dies, it’ll be very hard to find a turntable.

I may get a letter from Tammy today or tomorrow.

I spoke to Mom today, who says in a week to 10 days she’ll send a package out. I guess this will be my other guitar, and perhaps I can take that and my little keyboard to the pawnshop to trade them in for a bigger keyboard. I’m going to try selling my records to a used record store.

Next Tuesday, Andy will be gone to his sister’s in San Francisco until the following Saturday. So, I guess he’ll be gone five days.

7:21 AM

I just wrote letters to my nieces and Tammy. Tammy said she’d send journals, but it may be inconvenient. If it is, she’ll send me money. I’m going to send her the portrait of me that the apartment complex is taking as a free Christmas gift to the residents.

Andy and I went out to the mall yesterday, where I bought two journals. I now have 35 journals altogether.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard Andy get up for work. Did he oversleep? Who knows.

I am definitely going to lie out at the pool today. I want to have some color for the photoshoot this Saturday.

I met this girl named Sandy there two days ago. She looks butchy. She’s married but tells me she always fantasizes about women. She’s on SS, so naturally we hit it off really well. She’s got medical problems, too.

Maybe I can call Dennis and see if he wants to fix my speakers today. I haven’t seen too much of Randy, and I hardly ever see Tara and Tonya. I hope Kara calls soon.

Yesterday, Andy did what they call pulmonary cupping for 20 minutes. The last few weeks, my asthma’s been worse. After Andy finished, I felt better, but only for a short while. It’s a little better today, as I only smoked half of what I smoked yesterday.

Andy gave me a few pictures of him that were shot while he was at home. There were two identical shots of him picking his nose. He wrote notes on the back of each one. One’s for Fran, and the other will go to Nervous, as well as other stuff like the letters from Kim and Bob.

I also got another poster to color with a black velvet background. This one’s for Andy. I’m also going to sew a button on a pair of shorts for him, too. Today I’ll do my laundry. I did his yesterday.

I’m also going to steal a great idea from him. He hung one of his fancy shawls up over the vertical blinds that go across the sliding door. He hung up a silver/gray one. I’m going to hang up my black one with fringes that he gave me before he came out here to Phoenix.

Very, very soon, I must tackle all the editing I have to do. I’ll also get on with that drawing. I want to send it off to Tammy. Of course, I have more letter writing to do, as always. That never ends, any more than the journal writing does. I’m also going to start typing up that story.

I wrote letters to a few others to whom I normally don’t write. I sent a letter off to Nancy H. She lived in Jai’s place the first time I lived on Woodside Terrace. These are all funny letters I sent. Some have moved, but I wrote to the addresses I last knew of, knowing they’ll be forwarded.

I sent letters to Brenda, Jimmy, and Bobbie. They’ve gotten letters from me before. I also sent one to Grace D, the wacko who lived in Jimmy’s apartment the first time I was on Woodside. Also, Rita, that wacko moved into my first-floor apartment on Locust Street after I moved out of it. Then she moved to Woodside on the first floor. I also wrote to Nelyda (Nellie), the druggie thief on Oswego Street, who ripped me off and several other people. Also, Hank, who lived below me on Oswego Street. Lastly, I wrote to the two sisters, Ana and Julia, who lived on the second floor between Nellie and me on Oswego Street.

I finished off the hair Dad sent between all these people.

8:22 AM

I may or may not have mentioned what I recently did to a local radio station here. I think I did mention calling Kathy and asking her out. She’s one of the DJs. Well, I heard this girl call in a little while ago and ask Ed, another DJ, for a date. She got it. It kills me to see countless people (gay or straight) so easily go up and get what they want. Why can’t I do that? This girl doesn’t know what Ed looks like, but she sounds like she doesn’t care. If she were to meet him and see that he’s ugly, I bet she still wouldn’t care. I envy people like this. I’d give anything to go to bed with people I’m not attracted to and not give a shit. I have no choice.

So anyway, I called the station and told the guy who answered that now that Ed got a date, I want a date with Kathy. He said something about her still dating all kinds of people, and he took my number. I gave the name Lisa, though, and it’s not like she’s really going to call, so it doesn’t matter. It was nice just to call and say that anyway.

4:10 PM

I am watching a talk show now.

Earlier, I was out at the pool. I didn’t get all that much color, though. I was at the pool for almost an hour, and Dennis and his mom were there.

I sewed the button on Andy’s shorts. He came in about an hour ago, slamming the hell out of his door and stomping madly. Now I’m sure he’s watching the soaps he always tapes.

11/24/1992 Tuesday 10:50 AM

Well, I sure do have lots to write about. First of all, I got a new gray and white kitten today! One time, I was over at Dennis's talking with him and his mom when Brian came over. I asked if he knew anyone wanting to get rid of a cat or kittens. Sure enough, he knew these two guys who had several. At 8:45, we picked up the new Shadow, who’s a male and also very nervous, meowing a lot. He’s sleeping now. He’s smaller than the first Shadow was when I first got him. He was six weeks, and this Shadow must be four weeks, making his birthday around the last week of October. This kitty is very long and strong for a tiny kitten. Judging by that and his paws, I’d say he’s going to be huge. He’s the same type of cat that Shadow was, only gray and white rather than orange and white.

I’m going to call Mary downstairs and see if she wants any kittens. The guy asked me to ask people. These guys had a horrible, run-down, trashy, messy, smelly place, and I think they may have abused Shadow. Brian’s going to give Dennis these guys’ number, and I’ll give it to Mary.

Let me take a cigarette break before I begin with the many more things I have to write about.

11:40 AM

Andy flew out this morning, and he was sick, so I hope he’s better.

He gave me a pitiful picture of me that he took a few months ago. I’m sending it off to Bob.

We never sold my records because I was feeling totally shitty that day. My asthma was a nightmare, and three nights ago, I thought I was going to end up in the ER. The records are in his trunk, so we’ll sell them when he gets back.

I was pissed at him this morning because last night I told him not to call me in the morning, as I was going to leave my ringer on for Dennis to call me when it was time to go get Shadow. Naturally, he forgot, and now I wonder if he’ll remember to mail the letter I typed to Barb and Dave from San Francisco. If he’d stop smoking pot, he’d remember more things.

The other day I was over at Andy’s using his phone to call Jessie collect. She was glad to hear from me, and I gave her my address and phone number. We couldn’t talk long because she can’t afford it, but she’ll call when she can and give me her address so I can write to her. I’ll only write if she writes. It’s sad she never got to see me in South Deerfield or in Connecticut. I’ll never see her again, but that’s just life. She’s got a kid, which means she’s got no life.

As I was over there, I glanced down and saw my name written on some application form. I laughed, figuring he was sending me something free in a no-postage-necessary envelope. Then I noticed he wrote, “27-year-old gay female seeks feminine woman. No commitments. Call anytime or middle of night.”

I’m just not sure about this. Bob called, and he said not to worry as it’s free. I told him that’s like my saying, “Bob, I’m going to play with your head, lie to you, and lead you on. It should be OK with you, Bob, because it’s free. You don’t have to pay for me to do this.”

I told Andy when he got home from work that friends don’t let their friends get burned, and that—or nothing—is exactly what would happen. Gay women aren’t what I want, and I’m not what they want. I’m too old to keep playing this game. Plus, I’ll mainly get calls from men or people looking for threesomes. He said if I get a call for a threesome, send them to a bogus address. That won’t work, as they no doubt never intended to see me anyway.

I’ve got to go check my mail, even though I’m sure I didn’t get anything.

7:37 PM

I am watching a movie now, and commercials are on.

I spoke to Nervous earlier, and he was nice. It’s back and forth with him. I told him I may send pictures he can have as well as pictures I want him to send back.

When Tammy sends back my pictures in 10 years, Kim said she’d like me to send them to her to copy, then she’ll send them back.

11/25/1992 Wednesday 2:22 PM

The phone company called to let me know my stutter dial tone was fixed. When someone’s left you a message, you get a stutter dial tone. This way, you don’t have to bother calling the voice message number and entering your code to hear it say you have no messages.

Dennis, Bea, and I went to the grocery store. I only bought a few things, mainly junk food, as usual.

I am making a tape for Kara, who’s been over twice since I last wrote. I am taping songs she wants by the Judds, Gloria, and a few others. I will be at her place tomorrow and on Friday. She’s going to give me tons of hangers for doing the tape and giving her a pack of cigarettes.

Dennis had told me I might be able to have Thanksgiving with him and Bea, but he wasn’t absolutely sure it was to be at his place. He found out a few days later that they were going someplace else.

Then Kara was over the next day, and she invited me over to her place. That’s nice of her. If I’d had to spend Thanksgiving alone, then fine, but this is nice of her.

Her daughter Ashley will be one on Friday. I got her a cute card today, and I’m going to give her a stuffed animal of mine that she always liked playing with.

When I was in line at the checkout, I said something to the effect of hoping I had enough money. A lady in her 50s or so gave me three dollars. That was very nice of her.

Yesterday, Kara heard the tape of Andy trying to sing in Spanish. She sure got a kick out of it. She also heard the tape of Andy and me with Laurie at the crisis center. I also put Andy singing in Spanish and some edits on her tape.

When I last spoke to Bob, he told me he sort of took in a 16-year-old girl named Christina, who comes from a set of strict, bitchy parents. Yes, I can see Bob taking in someone like this. He says he and she are taking a van of their stuff and they’re going to leave. He swears he’ll be out here knocking on my door sometime in February. We’ll see.

I just mailed out tons of letters. I mailed each of my nieces two.

For Chanukah, I’m going to send my parents just a card, which they insist is all they want. For Tammy and all of them, I’m going to send the drawing as well as the free 8 x 10 color picture that’s a gift to the Vista Ventana residents. This is what I began writing about when the phone rang. She took about six or seven shots of me, but I can only pick out one because I can’t pay for any additional copies. On December 5th, we’re supposed to go pick them up.

I got my address labels in the mail last week. The same kind I had on Woodside Terrace. They’re blue, green, pink, and yellow.

Just for the hell of it, I’m curious to see if I’d get a response if I wrote a letter to A Current Affair. I told them I’ve always wanted to be a singer but have no money, no transportation, don’t do drugs, and refuse to sleep my way there. How do I get a clean, honest connection with no false promises who believes in my talent only? It was a short letter that cut right to the point.

5:10 PM

I just finished doing Andy’s laundry.

Earlier, I made myself a delicious steak on the grill. So nice not to have to worry about greasy, messy ovens. As I sat there by the grill, I admired the beauty around me. Everything is so clean, classy, and modern, and the landscaping is gorgeous. I felt 100% safe. No graffiti, ugly old rundown buildings, glass and dope dealers everywhere, trash, fires, and foul smells.

Well, Shadow is gone, and I was never happier to toss him out. This thing never shut up. It was making these ear-piercing screams nonstop. I couldn’t sleep, and my clock radio wouldn’t drown him out. I think Mary has him, and I left a message on her machine to call me. I hope she’ll want him, and I feel so bad it didn’t work out. This cat was horribly shy and nervous. I’ve always had a way with animals, but this one was so scared. For a few minutes here and there, I was able to play with him; then he’d go right back to screaming.

I want Moon Shadow! So calm, so loving, well-behaved, and neutered.

I’m pissed I spent $17 for no reason. I should’ve searched harder for an adult, tame, neutered cat. There were several ads in last Saturday’s paper, but they were all gone. I’m sure I can get lucky with that sooner or later. This cat also clawed shit really bad.

I don’t know if I should try selling the litter box and liners I bought or hang onto them for a cat like the original Shadow or Moon Shadow. I’ll wait till I speak to Mary.

I called Jane through the relay. We’re going to get together after Saturday. Or Friday, I should say.

The night Randy and I walked to the grocery store, I met two guys in a rock band. He (Bill) gave me a number to call a girl, Kathy, about country singers needed. He also may have other connections if I have no luck with Kathy. He’ll call me Monday, but I’m a total disbeliever until something proves otherwise. Meaning, it’s going to take a lot to convince me with all the letdowns I’ve had. I’d have to be in a band for quite a while and see it stick before I believe and have confidence.

Sometime soon, Dennis is going to fix my speakers, and I’m going to fix three of their kitchen chairs. They’re ripped, and he’s going to buy some material for me to sew them up with.

All I have left to write is about this girl, Sandy, whom I met at the pool almost two weeks ago.

Also, the conclusion of the radio story. About what happened after I called about a date with Kathy. After I called the radio station, I highly doubted I’d get a call. But every now and then, you do something as a joke, and someone else takes it seriously. Kathy called, and basically, all she said was that she was straight but would keep my number. She says that in the business she’s in, she meets all kinds of people. She asked me to write down a little about myself and what I look for. I just laughed to myself and went along with it. She asked if I had any suggestions or comments. All I could think of was a radio dating service for both gays and straights. She liked the idea and was going to take it to her boss.

Last subject now. I was headed to the pool when I met Sandy, who was already there. Instantly I thought— butch. Well, she’s married but says she’s always fantasized about women, even though she has yet to be with one. Her husband’s like most guys who encourage that, but would flip if she went with another guy. She’s on SS, so we hit it off. I could sense she liked me because I wasn’t one bit attracted to her, and she’s masculine. Not the ugliest girl, but close enough. I’d give her a three, maybe a four, as I never saw her dressed nicely with makeup and her hair dry.

I gave her my number as I was leaving the pool, and I said to myself, “Due to the fact that I’m not attracted to her, and she’s low-income with medical problems, and God knows what mentally, God will have her calling me.” Now don’t get me wrong. She’s not an Ellie or a Fran at all and does seem honest and sincere. Sure enough, though, she did call.

She told me she’d had a one-nighter with a guy and got a bruise. He wasn’t violent, she said, but I guess they had wild sex. She wanted to know if it was OK to tell her husband she got the bruise with me. I said yes. Then she shyly said her husband encouraged us while she was, as if to imply she agreed. I thought to myself, “Do you want to be celibate forever and wait for the impossible to happen, or shouldn’t you try to settle?”

Well, she was due back in Minnesota the next day. That’s where she’s from. She was going to call later in the evening, as her sister and brother-in-law were going out bowling. She never called, and I’m really glad she didn’t. Again, I’ll stay celibate throughout my life. Thanks to these 200-pound butches. Or the skinny ones, for that matter. I just can’t bring myself to settle.

Her sister lives here, and she also knows lots of butches. Her mom, whom she describes as cool and open-minded, lives in Minnesota. She’s not sure if she’ll ever move to Phoenix.

There’s only one thing she said that doesn’t jive. She says her husband works for Northwest Airlines, and so she can hop a plane here for ten dollars. OK, fine, but no one with that job is going to marry someone on SS. Maybe he’s one of those men who likes his wife at home as a slave. Who knows, but I’m going to go watch TV now.

9:17 PM

I am watching Law & Order now.

Kara called twice. The first time she told me she’d call me tomorrow at noon. They’re eating between 1:00 and 2:00. That’s pretty early in the afternoon, but why not? The second time, she wanted to know if I could bring two big bowls.

I crimped my hair, which looks great now. It’s when I wake up tomorrow that I’ll wonder how it’ll look. I also have a big, fat zit on my cheek.

Mary hasn’t called. Maybe she’s gone somewhere for the holiday.

When the hell is my sister going to close out my account? She goes to this bank all the time.

When will I ever receive the rest of my pictures? I wish my mother would just send me my pictures or admit that she dumped them, knowing how much they mean to me. Also, because it’s something she’s not into and makes her think of something she can’t bear—me being a singer. And hey, what resembles my dream the most of all the stuff of mine that went to Florida? Gloria’s pictures. I wish Dad had sent all my pictures. He and Tammy can be trusted, but Mom’s a different story. I truly believe she dumped them but won’t say so. Instead, she’ll say what she said before: there were no pictures. Bull.

She can be a real controlling, angry, jealous, negative little bitch. When will the little fuck ever grow up? At 61, I guess it’s too late.

Well, as usual, I still have a lot to do. Still have massive editing, a drawing to do, and the unicorn I’m coloring for Andy. Also, letters to write and a story to begin typing.

10:50 PM

Rachel just called. She wanted to borrow the pool key, which also opens the laundry room door. She said she felt bad calling only when she wanted something. I told her not to worry since I trust her. She said I could spend the holiday with her and Peter, but I told her I had plans. She looked beautiful, and she really is sweet. I wish God would let me have a one-nighter with a girl like her, but I know He never will. Only straight girls are this beautiful and feminine, anyway.

11/26/1992 Thursday 8 PM

Today was a very nice day. I fell asleep around 2:00 AM last night. At 7:30, I woke up needing to take my meds. At 8:30, I woke up for good after having a series of really weird dreams. Then Jeff put his music on. He was only there a while, and he sure meant it when he said he’s never home. He’s only been there three days in all the time I’ve lived here.

9:45 PM

Now, I’ll finish with all I did today. First of all, I had a great time with Kara at her place. Her mom, Alana, and Alana’s ex (Kara’s stepdad), Rick, were there. We all had good conversations with each other and some laughs, but Ashley was an obnoxious little twerp. The turkey, stuffing, and fruit salad were great. Alana also made yams with marshmallows. I’ve never heard of that any more than I’ve heard of a fish sandwich with peanut butter. It was good, though. Stacey and her husband and her son Justin came over as I was on my way out. Justin’s sure grown quickly.

Kara came and walked me over there so I would learn the way. I walked back myself, and it is very easy to find, as Kara said it was.

Their apartment is beautiful. The one- and two-bedroom units there and the landscaping aren’t as nice as here, but it still blows what’s available back east away.

I spoke to both my parents. Mom sent a box out and said they were combining my birthday and Chanukah presents. I hate that and said, “Why couldn’t you have been busy around this time of year so I could’ve been born in the summer?”

Dad said, “We were busy; you just didn’t hatch.”

Mom said, “Very funny, Art.”

Mom said I could call her on Tuesday. Then she said, “No, not Tuesday. When’s your birthday?”

I asked, “You don’t even remember the day you made the biggest mistake of your life?”

So anyway, she told me to call them Friday between 8:00 and 9:00 my time. Dad jokingly said, “We’ll pay for the call, and that will be your birthday present.”

I told them I got three offers for Turkey Day. I told them about Dennis, Kara, and Rachel, who offered to let me spend Turkey Day with her and Peter. Dad said something about eating three times, but I don’t think so.

So, tomorrow or Monday I’ll get a box between my birthday and Chanukah.

I can’t wait to get that Bedazzler thing I sent away for. It’s this thing that lets you put studs and jewels on clothes.

11:07 PM

As I mentioned earlier, I spoke to Tammy. She can’t get around too well with her leg in a cast, and they didn’t do much for Thanksgiving. She said she was going to send a card and some money to me and that I’d definitely get more letters since she’s held up in the cast.

I told her I sent two to each girl and mentioned the drawing. I also asked if she’d like the picture taken here. She said, “Yeah, that’s what I want.” That’s good, as I wouldn’t know who else to send it to. She also copied some of those pictures, and they’re on their way back to me, and so are the negatives. Next, I’ll send the pictures to Kim and the negatives to Nervous. Meanwhile, I’ve sent Nervous about seven that he must send back and three for Fran to keep. When Nervous returns his, they’ll go to Bob.

Lastly, I spoke with Lisa for a few minutes. She sounds okay, I guess, then said she was in her room finishing up a letter to me.

I love getting letters for three reasons. One is to read them, naturally. Two is to copy them into my journals. Three is to send them off to Nervous, Fran, or whoever.

Guess I’ll go to bed now.

11/27/1992 Friday 1:23 PM

I hope UPS comes with my package today, but I doubt it. I’ll probably get it Monday.

Kara hasn’t called yet, but I guess she will any time now.

This building has been so quiet. Andy’s gone, and it looks like the Andi next to me is gone, too. That noisy family of four next to Andy moved out two weeks ago.

I finished that drawing finally. I’m not too impressed with the way it turned out either. Some things were well-proportioned and realistic, and others weren’t. Tammy, Bill, and Becky didn’t look too cool, especially their faces. I’d say Lisa came out the best. Next, I’ll finish coloring in those unicorns for Andy. That certainly is much easier. At the present moment, I have letters to do for Bob, Fran, and Nervous. This weekend I’ll write to my parents, Tammy, Lisa, and Becky. Then, the only other two things are editing and the story. There’s no hurry on the coloring, so now I guess I’ll do some letters.

Judy in the office gave me an envelope large enough for the drawing and the 8 x 10 photo.

7:39 PM

I got back from Kara’s almost an hour ago. Stacey, Justin, and Alana were there. Then Kara and I walked down El Camino and some other street where we met a friend of hers named Tammy, whom she’d known for seventeen years. Tammy also had her boyfriend and her baby, Mystery. That is an awesome name.

Anyway, we had chocolate cake and ice cream, and Kara walked me home.

Earlier, I did some coloring and a little bit of typing.

No package today, and I’m not sure if UPS delivers on Saturdays. My dad had said I’d probably get it Monday anyway. Oh well, I’ll just have to be patient.

I’m really bummed out that that kitten turned out to be so obnoxious. I have to find a tamer, calmer, loving, neutered cat somehow. I still want a cat, and I spent seventeen dollars on supplies, which is a lot of money to be spending and throwing away on nothing. It is for me, at least.

TV’s boring now, so I think I’ll listen to music, finish my letters, and possibly start all that editing.

11/28/1992 Saturday 11:07 PM

Well, I did end up listening to music, and I also wrote tons of letters. I also finished coloring for Andy. I taped it up on his kitchen wall.

Now this fucking TV guide has bullshitted me twice. First, it said Hunter was going on now, but I’m not so sure. Charlie Brown was also said to be on earlier, and it wasn’t. It was even advertised on the cover of the TV Times section of Sunday’s paper.

Around 6:00 PM, Andy got back from his trip. The poor guy was sick all the time and couldn’t even enjoy pigging out like he wanted to. He did tell me he saw tons of ugly butches while he was getting my birthday present.

Kara called from Brian’s trailer.

Rachel also came over last night around midnight with my pool key and a thank-you card that said, “Thank you so much for letting me use your key. Have a great weekend.” Now ain’t that sweet? She also had a little present for me wrapped in tin foil—a picture that’s hard to describe of a girl standing on a cliff with a long flowing dress. I sent her card off to Nervous.

Speaking of Nervous, well, I’m not too sure, but it looks like I forgot to mention that I spoke to him. He was friendly, but as always, it’s back and forth, up and down, left and right with him. You never know what mood he’ll be in from one day to the next.

I’ve got two letters done for him, almost two for Bob and Fran, and I finished letters to Kim, my nieces, Tammy, and Mom and Dad. All those weirdoes and wackos—Grace, Nancy, Rita, Bobbie, Jim, Nellie, Hank, Brenda, Ana, and Julia—should be getting their letters soon if they haven’t already. Of course, I don’t hate all of these people named above. For the most part, the purpose of their letters is just to freak them out and make them wonder who the hell in Phoenix could possibly be writing to them and what all the mumbo-jumbo could possibly mean.

11/29/1992 Sunday 6:15 PM

Andy came crashing in a couple of hours ago. He left me a message, but every time I call him, I get his machine. Every time I don’t answer, he runs and shuts his ringer off. Well, I was in the Jacuzzi when he called. I was also in it earlier with Jeff and the pool, too. It’s still a little too cool for the pool, and while it is heated, it’s not heated enough.

Now for some bad news: Jeff’s moving out next weekend. What a bummer. You never know who they’re gonna put in there next. I asked Paula, who said she didn’t know, but of course, she knows. I’ll die if it’s a mom and a baby. I’m sick of having to listen to and deal with kids around me. Andy’s lucky he doesn’t have weekends off. All he’d do is hear them scream all weekend long. I’d rather a pervert male move down there if I had to choose between the two, ‘cuz that’s a problem I could take care of. I also hope this person isn’t noise-intolerant themselves and that they don’t complain about me. Hopefully, they’re never home either. The perfect person to put down there would be a deaf woman, but that’s a dream for sure.

Jeff gave me tons of hangers, which is a tremendous help with no dressers. I even hung my bathing suits to empty yet another duffel bag. Jeff also popped my popcorn in his microwave and is going to give me a plant.

One last hysterical, funny thing Jeff gave me was an envelope saying: Herpes Test Results – personal and confidential. Guess who it’s going to? Not Nervous, nor Fran or Bob. It’s going to my parents. This oughta be hilarious.

6:47 PM

Tomorrow I’m sure I’ll get my package. I’m psyched. Will my pictures be in it? I doubt it.

Dennis, Bea, and I went to the store. I bought my five-gallon container of water, TV dinners, and a few munchies. I also got a book of stamps. I put ten on the package to my parents, who have those geeky, baggy grandma clothes she sent last summer to the other apartment. I put two on the envelope to Tammy, in which I’ll mail my photo and drawing. I also must mail my $31.41 phone bill soon. I dropped Mom’s package off at the office. Isn’t it nice that they give things that don’t fit into the little mailbox slot to Pete? In all the other places I lived, you’d have to take stuff like that to the post office.

Well, now I’m gonna go check out what’s on TV.

7:31 PM

I am watching I Witness Video now.

Andy called, saying he was going to Fry’s and asked me if I wanted to go along. I told him I went earlier. He’s getting the paper, so I can have the TV-Time section and look at the cat ads.

8:37 PM

Now I’m watching a movie. Andy gave me the TV-Time section a little while ago.

I’m gonna make a TV dinner now, ‘cuz I must take my meds on an empty stomach. I want to take my meds in an hour and a half, so by then my stomach will be emptier.

9:26 PM

Well, I’m still watching the movie. There’s half an hour to go. Afterward, I’ll clean up and finish Fran’s letter.

Today was a nice day, and they say it’s going to warm up for the next few days.

During the next commercial, I’ll write about something I talked to Andi about (the girl next door).

11/30/1992 Monday 12:20 AM

I am far from tired, but I do want to stay on a day schedule for a while. So, I’ll allow myself to be woken up by the lawnmowers. I won’t turn on my clock radio when I crash. I hope nothing else wakes me up too early.

It sounds like Andy’s in his bathroom, but his ringer’s off again. I hope he’s not sick. He did mention that he still has diarrhea.

Believe it or not, I finally did some editing. I have lots and lots more to tackle, though.

I left four messages on Andy’s machine, and you have up to three minutes for each message, but the fourth one only went halfway. So, all in all, I did about 10–11 minutes of editing. Of course, it took me about 20 minutes to do them since I had to set up everything and listen carefully to time everything. We have each other’s codes, and I called his machine to play back and hear how it sounded. It’s much clearer hearing them played on my stereo, naturally.

He gave me some no-postage-necessary envelopes. Well, they were cards, actually, for a magazine called Phoenix. I sent subscriptions to Mattie, Ana, Fran, Nervous, Bob, Kacey, and Hank. I’ll have to look in the book to see if that liar April is in it, or her parents, at least, match up her “old” number and mail all kinds of shit to her. I can play games, too.

I wonder if Tammy has finally spoken to Sheila? At least I know my pictures are on their way. I’m gonna be turning around to send them right to Kim, of course, but she’ll get them back within a few weeks. The ones I’ve asked Nervous to return will go to Bob.

My nails look like shit. I wonder if the Theodur I take can cause those ridges? I know I had them somewhat as a kid, and I know my parents have them somewhat, and maybe it’s hereditary. The Theodur must enhance them. I’ve eaten poorly way before they got this bad, which was when I began the Theodur.

I’m really pissed that I’m not tired, but I’ll go see if I can fall asleep anyway. I’ll write about my chat with Andy tomorrow or later if I can’t fall asleep.

1:15 PM

I woke up at 5:30 AM, went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, ate a cupcake, and smoked half a cigarette. At 9:00, the lawnmowers did wake me up, but I fell back asleep till 11:00.

I hope UPS will be here any second, but I did get a package from Kim. I got a really pretty candle in the shape of a pyramid with three colors: a soft blue-green color, pink, and purple. I’ve lit the candle and it’s burning now. Inside the candle, there are supposed to be some crystals and possibly other stones, too, I guess.

I also got a porcelain cover to something (I don’t know what) that I’ll just use as a knickknack. It’s got tiny little flowers on it in different colors. The candle wrapper was like a bag tie, but it was purple foil with purple foil stars on it. I taped it up on the side of the cabinet by the sliding door.

I also got a little cosmetic bag with a Chinese design on it. I already have tons of cosmetic bags, so if Andy wants it, he can have it.