March 1990

3/21/1990 Wed. 10:35 AM

It's been 40 days since I've written, and I know I should write every day to keep up-to-date and so I don't forget anything, whether it's important or not. If I write daily, I can record not only significant events but also little details. And the little details may not seem so important now, but someday, after a long time has passed and I look back on this stuff, I may see things differently.

I am working now down the street at a little variety store/laundromat called Rub-a-Dub. Of course, it's during the day, and it's under the table at $3.50 an hour. Shitty pay is better than no pay. I wasn't working today, but I stopped in to get some candy bars and some "Lucy's," which is their term for buying just three cigarettes.

I had left this journal last Monday in Martha's office, so I stopped by to pick it up. (I wonder how much of this she read.) Martha looked great.

Andy drove me around today as he had errands to run too, such as stopping at the welfare office for an hour and then cashing his check.

I'm about to drop off to sleep, but first, I have to set the VCR for Unsolved Mysteries.

3/22/1990 Thurs. 3:04 AM

I woke up right before my show, watched it, took a shower, and went out with Andy for a little while.

John R, an undercover cop I know who's also a security guard at Mercy Hospital (where we met), is back from vacation. He left a message on my machine yesterday afternoon before I woke up. I've known him for a little over three years.

One day, I was at the small variety store down at the end of Locust, and the guy there, Louis, who's super nice and fun to work with, hired me. I've only worked about three days so far because I'm waiting for him to leave so I can take over his hours managing the store alone. Basically, those three days were just to familiarize myself with the store, which is very tiny.

Gloria’s in the hospital with a broken vertebra after a huge truck rammed her tour bus from behind on a snowy road in Scranton, Pennsylvania. She was on her way to Syracuse, New York. That poor woman—I love her so much, and I feel terrible for her. She has so much class and is so respected; it just doesn’t seem fair. Emilio suffered a head injury, and Nayib broke his collarbone, but they’ve been released from the hospital. Gloria’s received tons of phone calls, cards, and flowers, and I heard that President Bush even came to see her.

9:25 PM

In about 20 minutes, Andy and I are going grocery shopping at Super Stop & Shop on Boston Road.

Steve called from work, which was so sweet of him. Last night, we had a great conversation, and we’re both trying to quit smoking together. Since 7:30 yesterday morning, he’s had one cigarette, which he said made him so dizzy he put it out. I’ve had two since then, and they made me feel like shit, so we’re both going to keep trying, taking it one day at a time. Steve said he’s going to quit regardless of people smoking around him.

Steve is a pretty positive and supportive person who doesn’t try to knock people’s self-esteem.

Earlier, I fed George, Jai’s cat. Jai’s in Virginia visiting Jenny and will be back on Sunday. They’re both the sweetest people.

3/23/1990 Fri. 4:45 AM

After I came back from grocery shopping with Andy, I ate dinner and went over to Steve's. I gave him tips on all kinds of stuff, like hair, makeup, and nails, and even filed and buffed his nails, which he really liked. Then we showed each other pictures from photo albums.

In just over 21 hours, I’ve had about 5 cigarettes, and he’s had maybe 3. I’m really not craving them that badly, and those 5 were 98% psychological. I think my mind is smart and strong enough now to muster the willpower because my lungs and nose are worsening by the day. As time goes on, you get angrier and angrier about feeling so lousy. And then there’s my singing to worry about, too, along with saving money, gaining weight, and improving my complexion and blood circulation. It’s amazing how much time it’s taken to realize the price of smoking—it’s no joke anymore when one day your lungs say, “I can’t take this anymore! Quit!” But then again, I’m not surprised; it took me years to wean myself off Navane. Years ago, I never thought I could stop cutting my wrists or that I’d ever make so many personal strides, except for my temper.

The only thing I know that can never be is a loving relationship with a woman. As for having a baby, I don’t know yet. I do hope so, but that’ll probably never happen either.

3/24/1990 Sat. 1:49 AM

Right now, I am on the phone with Andy making prank phone calls.

Last night I was over at Steve's and finally fell asleep at 7:30. Then at noon, there was a car accident on Locust St. No one was hurt, but I never went back to sleep, so I went down to the store and hung out for about three hours and played cards with Louis.

Before I went to the store, I talked to John, who just got back from Daytona Beach and sounded in a great mood and revived. He needed that vacation.

I'm gonna go listen to music and then try to get some sleep. I'm just totally exhausted. Andy's still gonna be up all night making calls, so I told him he could leave them on my machine. He's got 30 minutes' worth of tape. He'll have a field day.

3/26/1990 Mon. 6 AM

Yesterday I slept all day and woke up at 9:00 last night. When I awoke, I saw that Jai was back, so we talked a while, then walked up to Lil' Peach on Belmont, came back, talked a little more, and then Jai went to bed.

Last night I knocked on Steve's door, but I guess he was asleep. Earlier, he had sounded as though he was upset about something.

Andy and I made phone calls last night till 3:00, and I'm staying up till after therapy.

I never did write about what happened with Kacey and me, or about this girl Stacey.

Well, I didn't fuck Kacey over, and she never fucked me over, but we got scared off of one another because we're so used to being alone, and I guess Kacey wasn't quite ready and her feelings weren't that strong for me. I definitely know, though, that it was more than just sexual, but I also know she never quite got over this girl Angie that she was with for four years.

I also think it was God once again having me dumped by one of the decent ones because love just wasn't meant to be for me. Never has been, never will be. I will never, and I repeat never, get involved again because it's just not worth it, and I do like to be alone 80% of the time.

I'll write about Stacey later.

9:40 AM

I am now at CC. I have 20 more minutes till I see Martha.

Linda just walked by, and I get so embarrassed every time she does because of the phone calls I made to her about a year ago. I don't know if I wrote about it, but I called and hit on her. At first, she didn't know who the hell I was, but then she recognized my voice.

I'm starting to get pretty tired. I just want to go home and climb into bed, but first I'm gonna call Stacey and have a word with her, and eventually, I'll write about her. I also have to call John, too.

3/27/1990 Tues. 2:18 AM

I'll try to write as much as I can about happy things, but right now I don't feel too cool. I'm lonely, I guess, and the usual battle with smoking is driving me crazy. I feel I'll never be able to quit, and my asthma and constant congestion are a nightmare! It's really scaring me. Oh well. Whatever's meant to be will be, no matter what I do or don't do.

Saturday, I get paid, and I'm swamped with fucking bills! There are things I need and want that I'll never be able to get for a very long time.

Yes, I really do want to move to CT and get the fuck out of this city, but I'll miss my friends and neighbors.

I had a really good session today with Martha. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with her, although I still miss Trisha. Martha sure is one hell of an attractive lady.

3/31/1990 Sat. 7:38 AM

Last night I was over at Andy's for a few hours watching TV and listening to tapes, and I've finally finished all my editing!! I edited all those phone calls with us crossing people, and with Fran and Nervous arguing, among a lot of other shit. I'm also gonna continue to work on the funny edits. What I mean by the “funny edits” is when I take either one word or a quick sentence that's funny, such as Nervo swearing or getting Nervous, or Andy, Fran, or me saying something funny, and tape it over and over a few times so it sounds like a broken record. It's totally hilarious. I don't think I ever wrote about this before.

Currently, I have someone on the phone who's been on now for well over an hour, of course not saying anything, so I've played them the edits and other shit over the phone. I wonder if they're still listening or if they fell asleep?