December 1990

12/2/1990 Sun. 8:21 PM

Well, two more days and here comes a birthday I sure as hell thought I’d never see. A quarter of a century. I get smarter, more talented, and more experienced with each year, but all in all, I still feel the same as when I was 10 or 15 or 20. Despite my lungs, that is—but today I don’t feel quite so bad. Of course, it was kind of miraculous I even made it to my 18th birthday with all the shit I went through, what with jumping out of the window, overdosing, and other people trying to kill me physically or mentally.

Well, although I won’t have my foot in the door with fame and fortune till 1994, as my vibes tell me, I have a feeling that 1991 is going to be a special year for me in a different but very good way. I’m 100% sure now about smoking, but there’s other stuff scheduled. I’m not going to be so cursed anymore. The shit that happened to my lungs wasn’t meant to be just because of my singing, but maybe it was also a testing period, too. I’ve done my time with survival tests; that’s for sure. No, I do not think 1991 brings a woman I’m overwhelmed by and who’s my ideal type person-wise. That was never meant to be.

12/4/1990 Tues. 9:09 AM

Do I get snow for my birthday? No. Instead, it’s raining cats and dogs out there.

About half an hour ago, Tammy called. At 7:30, Brenda called. Oh, by the way, Brenda and I are just friends now. At 5:30, Andy called because he couldn’t sleep either. I’ve been awake now for 16 hours. I need to go to Food Mart desperately, but can’t till noon, and I don’t think I can hold out till then. I just don’t feel like going to bed, though. Oh, what the heck? I’ll sleep for a few hours—not too many, because I have therapy tomorrow.

12/9/1990 Sun. 1:26 AM

Brenda and I went to Tammy’s today. I got the upright vacuum I’d been wanting from Mom and Dad, and Tammy, Bill, and the kids gave me a gorgeous necklace with matching earrings, another pair of earrings, and some perfume.

Tammy was upset because she could sense something was wrong with me, and at first, I wouldn’t talk to her. I explained how I broke up with Brenda—I’m so used to being alone that I felt I wasn’t stable enough for her. I told her that because I’m a night person, don’t have a bigger sex drive, and I’m not calm 24/7, I felt I wasn’t good enough. Tammy said that in every relationship I get into, I run scared when someone gets too close. She also said my past has affected me badly and that I’m too negative.

I told her I didn’t feel I was pushing Brenda away and that I felt I was doing her a favor. I also said I was being practical, not negative. After being alone for 25 years, it’s too hard to jump into a relationship—I no longer care to put the effort into one and deal with trying to communicate and compromise. I never felt overwhelmed in a good way by Brenda, and I’ll never have anyone I’m overwhelmed by. What good would it do me anyway? All they’d do is dump me, or I’d end up dumping them.

Andy will be moving in within the next two weeks, so we can save money and move to Phoenix.

12/24/1990 Mon. 6:53 AM

Andy will be moving in next Saturday and storing his furniture at his old house, which his brother owns. Starting tomorrow, he’s going to be bringing things over here and there.

Ma doesn’t know, so she’ll continue paying her part of the rent. She’s been a major bitch to me and was incredibly rude to both Andy and me over the phone when we spoke about Phoenix. She really pisses me off. Especially since last year she said she’d help financially with the move to Arizona and agreed with our reasons for moving, now she wants nothing to do with it. I bet her anger has to do with good old Miss Jennifer C and other members of this sick family, whom Andy and I harassed to death over the phone. But if I receive any subpoenas, I’m not going to court.

I have not smoked since yesterday, the 23rd, at 2:30 AM. It’s been 28½ hours.

12/30/1990 Sun. 7:30 PM

Boy, is having a roommate ever going to take some getting used to! Two or three years ago, I’d have jumped at the chance to have a good, decent, honest roommate such as Andy is. And you know how compatible and how much alike we are. Lately, though, I’ve been wanting to spend more and more time alone. The desire for company and for going places is vanishing like water running down a drain. The desire to have a lover and a baby is also being flushed down the toilet. At first, I was beginning to think something was wrong with me, but I now think it’s just a case of my not wanting any bullshit.

As far as a lover’s concerned, like with Brenda, for example, I know I’m a decent person. I don’t hate myself, but at the same time, I feel I’m not good enough for her. I don’t want to be with someone and have to be constantly asking myself, "Did I do or say something wrong?” Also, I don’t want to have to worry about her or anyone else not understanding me. I know and understand myself, and that’s enough. What others don’t know or understand won’t hurt them. All I want is casual sex here and there. Of course, that’ll be once in a lifetime cuz I’m so picky and don’t go to bars, and cuz there are so few feminine ones. I have my fantasies, though, which are the most fulfilling.

12:08 PM

I fell asleep near 6:00 this morning, only to wake up at 10:00, so I do need to try to sleep more.

Also, I’m psyched for New Year’s Eve tonight, as I realize I’ve got three more years till fame and fortune, and you know I’m right with my premonitions and predictions. Speaking of those, I’ve been having more and more—bizarre ones too, that kind of freaked me out a bit. One night, Brenda and I were lying in bed when I just came out and said, “Someone lost money.” She said yes, a guy in CVS. I said it was a $20 bill, and she said yes, it was, and a lady picked it up for him.

Another thing was that a few days before December, I predicted we’d have a major snowstorm on December 28th. I was right.