June 1990

6/7/1990 Thurs. 8:23 PM

The day I met that girl Lisa, I was wrong to expect an ugly or plain-looking girl. She was absolutely gorgeous, but I was right about that not being allowed by God. Plus, I figured before ever seeing her or hearing how stable and mature she sounded over the phone that she'd never call to get together with me again. I really find it no great loss, though—I really need to be alone. I won't say I never have thoughts or desires, but I will say that I don't want any hassles or heartaches. I'm so used to the way things are.

Ma's birthday was yesterday, and when I called, she sounded like a bitch. I don't know why, but does she always need a reason to be a bitch?

Today I spoke to Dad, and when they come up from Florida in August, they're going to help me get out of here. I've decided I definitely need to move to Connecticut. I need family. This city is getting so bad. I want to have a child, and there's just nothing at all to do here. I'm so bored! I really want to be near my nieces and possibly make a little extra money on the side, teaching music or sign language to kids or adults. Also, if I'm not sterile, I really want to have a baby while I'm young, before I get fully immersed in my music career.

6/16/1990 Sat. 5:36 AM

Andy and I had an awesome night last night. To start with, about two nights ago, I was fooling around on the phone, dialing randomly and hoping for a woman to answer because I was going to hit on her. Instead, a guy answered, but I hit on him just the same anyway.

When I did hit on him, assuming he'd say yes as the typical male would, I was shocked when he said no. I asked why, and he said, "Because I'm gay." I told him I was too, and explained that I was just fooling around on the phone. Through the discussion, I learned that he was a very well-known regular at the Pub and the Frontier. His name is Dedra and he dresses in drag. I also talked to another drag queen who was one of his roommates—a Black guy who goes by the name of Renee, whom I immediately remembered having seen before.

So, last night Andy and I went to both the Pub and the Frontier to see the lip-sync contest, which Renee won. In second place was a guy who looks a lot like George Michael; he is also a roommate of Dedra and Renee, as is a guy named Corinne. They're all so friendly.

Dedra said she was shocked to see how beautiful I was. She said she'd spread the word about me and that they know people just as feminine as I am. Also, they seem pretty drug-free. Dedra insists that I'll have no problem getting a decent, feminine woman.

Sure.

Anyway, Andy and I ended up playing the piano, and I sang very well. My voice is getting better and better. Before I sang, Corinne told me he could tell I was a trained singer because of the way I breathe, the way my vocal cords vibrate in my throat, and by looking at my mouth. Even in a singer's sleep, they breathe differently. I remember Kacey waking me up, saying she thought I was dead because I was so still.

6/28/1990 Thurs. 5:55 PM

The last thing I said the last time I wrote isn't nearly as shocking as the things I'm going to write about this time. First, though, it turns out that Dedra, Renee, and Corinne all live in my old apartment on the first floor around the corner. What a weird coincidence, huh?

That's nothing compared to what I'm about to write now. I was on the phone one night with a girl who called from a 900-line (whom I never bothered to call back) when my hero, Bill, called. He said that Jean and Alex Dunaeff at the Dunaeff School of Performing Arts were closing because they're retiring. Jean, I guess, has had a slight stroke.

Bill went on to say how he hated to see a low-income person have to back out and that he needed a place to teach in Springfield. He's from Northampton and also gay, as I pretty much figured. I told him my place was huge and I'd be honored and thrilled to have him use it to teach. So, he came over and saw how huge my living room is. He said he wasn't trying to use me for a place to teach, but that he really liked working with my voice and that if it works out, he'd teach me for free.