January 1991

Springfield and S. Deerfield, MA

Age 25

1/3/1991 Thurs. 1:22 AM

New Year’s Eve sucked. First of all, Jimmy, downstairs, and I made the big mistake of picking up Fran and bringing him over. Fran embarrassed the shit out of Jimmy, who had Mike and Lisa over. Mike and Lisa live next door in #11. Jimmy’s in #10, directly below me. He’s getting evicted, which sucks. He turned out to be an OK neighbor. With my luck, some jackass will move in who’s the type that’ll freak if I have the stereo on the lowest volume.

Fran was drunk off his ass. He couldn’t stop playing with my hair, slapping Andy and me on our heads, and he fucking raided the kitchen as if he hadn’t eaten in years. He’s never coming over here again.

Tracy was over tonight. She lost a lot of weight.

Andy and I had a huge fight, and we shoved each other. Much later, when we were calm, we laughed about it, admitting we were glad we shoved each other to get our frustrations out.

I really do hate having a roommate, and I explained to him that it’s going to take some serious getting used to and adjusting. I’ve been alone so long, and I do prefer it that way. Three years or so ago, I’d have jumped at the thought of having a roommate, but as I’ve gotten older, my desires have changed. Just like I really don’t care to be with a woman or to have a baby anymore. I do want to very occasionally have casual sex, but not with just anyone. I really wish someday I could have one night—just one night—with a woman I’m attracted to and feel that spark with, rather than a woman who’s just OK. I know it won’t happen, though, and I accepted that a long time ago. Well, like I always said, better to fantasize about first best rather than to settle for second best. Another reason fantasy is better is that if the relationship is getting rocky, you can simply click it off and out of your mind. You certainly can’t do this in a real-life relationship.

1/4/1991 Fri. 8:39 PM

I just took some decongestant medicine Brenda gave me and I'm so drowsy now.

1/7/1991 Mon. 9:39 PM

Well, it didn’t snow today like I felt it would, but they say it may snow on Wednesday.

I met this really nice nurse named Kim at Baystate ER. She’s super nice, open-minded, and the type you feel you’ve known for years the second you meet her.

She was on her way home when I was standing outside the ER entrance, and I saw The Joy of Signing book in her hand, and we took it from there. It turns out that we have a lot in common, and I’m giving her sign language lessons. We’ve met three times so far, and today she took me to Valley’s for baked stuffed shrimp in exchange for my teaching her sign language. However, she really is doing me a favor too, by giving me a chance to use my sign language and to keep on top of it.

10:25 PM

From now on, I must learn to be my own therapist. I shall try to discuss as much as I can about my feelings with myself or write them in this book. I always admired myself for being able to speak my mind, but now I find it’s better to keep my mouth shut most of the time. Communication only starts fights and arguments. People often misunderstand the things I say and do and take me the wrong way, so what’s the use? I’m gonna just start going along with as much as I can, except for things like sex with an ugly woman or a man. I want to learn to talk less and be able to cheer myself up when I’m depressed or sick as independently as I can.

I’m really proud of myself for last night. I had a massive asthma attack and I was terrified. I mean fucking terrified. I was crying tears like a leaky faucet, but I didn’t wimp out to anyone. I was about to dial 911 and say, “Look, it’s been hours that I’ve been trying to fight this off, and I just can’t.” Yet even after being told at the ER what a risk it is to your heart and in other ways, I beat it on my own.

1/9/1991 Wed. 2:44 AM

It started to snow a few hours ago, so I was off by one day, but that’s still close.

Right now, I’m listening to Andy, Fran, Tracy, and Raven make prank phone calls. Raven was in the lip-sync contest and never won. She made a pitiful drag queen and literally froze on stage, but she seems to be a nice person. Fran’s taken him in for a month till he gets a job. Well, like Tracy said, Fran’s good at taking people off the streets.

Last night was a hell of a night. I had a severe migraine and was crying for hours in bed till I finally threw up twice. Of course, Andy didn’t give a fuck, and I knew it, so I held it in and suppressed the urge to scream out. I needed someone so badly last night. Well, I had to puke instead, cuz Andy would’ve freaked if I woke him up. Plus, he’d rather make me feel worse than better. I get shit on whether I speak positively or negatively about myself. The guy who’s supposed to be my best friend’s busy turning my friends against me and constantly talking shit to Brenda, Bonny, Steve—you name it. He said, both to me and others, more negative shit about me than positive.

I’ll write more later, since all I have to talk to is this book, unless I hold it in till I puke. But puking is better than trashing things, though I can’t believe I didn’t. Reaching out to people and communicating with them only gets me in trouble and misunderstood, so I’d rather puke and lose weight.

1/13/1991 Sun. 12:48 AM

Well, I’m still feeling like shit, unfortunately. There’s no feeling worse than wanting to pick yourself up, be happy, be productive, but you just can’t. My asthma’s killing me, and I’m still under mega stress—way more so than I’ve been in a long time. I mean, this has got to stop, but I feel helpless, like I don’t know where to begin to help myself. It just isn’t always easy. I miss those days when I was productive non-stop and could physically bounce off the walls for endless hours. I was a dancer. Now I take two steps and my heart’s racing, or I’m wheezing, or both. I wanted to kill myself for getting so out of breath with only two bags of groceries to carry up. Two years ago, I could’ve run up those stairs 20 times.

I still can’t stand having Andy here. Even if I lived with Brenda, I’d go nuts, even though she’d be easier to live with cuz she’s more easygoing and calm compared to Andy.

Andy looked at a room on Mulberry St., but I’m afraid he’ll be here much longer than I can stand. Andy and I will remain friends, but I may move to CT since there’s nothing for me here, and Andy and I will save money and then maybe move to PHX.

1/16/1991 Wed. 3:40 PM

While I’m waiting for Martha, I can tell you how well I woke up. It was 5 a.m., and fucking Andy asked me to wake him up at 7:00. I told him to set his alarm in case I fell asleep, and I did. I then woke up briefly at 9 a.m. The next thing I know, the little fuck is saying, “Hey! Hey! Don’t you have an appointment?” It was 1:15 p.m., and my alarm had another 45 minutes to go. I wanted to kill him! Then the little fuck goes, “Thanks for waking me up.” I told him it’s not my fucking responsibility to get him up. I also set his alarm, and he said it didn’t work, so he took his anger and frustration out on me by waking me up. Then the immature brat plays the answering machine messages back loudly, stomps his feet, and sings at the top of his lungs. Is this guy ever going to grow up?

His favorite show had 20 more minutes to go when he left, and I had had it with his bullshit, so I stopped the VCR from recording.

He’s got two days to get the fuck out.

As for the good news—and yes, believe it or not, there is good news—very, very, very good news. I have not smoked since January 14th!!! No, I do not feel like I want one!!!!!

7 PM

I let it all out in therapy today. About how, despite the fact that there’s a lot of good in Andy, he’s also an immature, spiteful, selfish little boy who will only hear what he wants to hear. And how he’s got to either condemn or make someone miserable in some way when things in life aren’t going the way he wants.

He’s over there crying on Brenda’s and Bonny’s shoulders now, as he’s not man enough to face me. Like last night, when he said how his mother said it was wrong for him to go to Brenda. I simply said, “Andy, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, believe what you want to believe, say what you want to say, and hear what you want to hear.”

He’s a wimp, and even though he’s turned Brenda, Bonny, and Steve against me, I know they’re really fed up with him crying on their shoulders and needing a babysitter. Of course, God help someone if they should be upset or sick and go cry on HIS shoulder.

1/17/1991 Thurs. midnight

Well, in an hour, I’ll have gone 72 hours without smoking. The reality of it all still hasn’t quite hit me, but everything’s gone just as I predicted. Just like with the Navane and other things, I’ve predicted how, why, and when they’d happen. Some predictions, for example, with the Navane and smoking, I predicted three or four years before they happened. Before I quit, I mean. I could see how it was gonna happen too, and why.

1 AM

Am I ever psyched for Andy to get the hell out! He’s supposed to move this Saturday to rent a room on Dickinson. Yeah, sure, but I’m like, get this wacko outa here! Andy never really was a true friend—not in all ways, but in some ways. The reason I’m running around calling him a liar about this and that so much lately is cuz he’s done it so much to me. He can’t take his best friend’s word for anything, so now he’s seeing how he likes it. Why would I, or any other 25-year-old, need to lie to a friend? I’m not a child who has to fear punishment if the truth is told.

I cannot wait till he’s outa here, and I will never ever let myself get into this situation again. I, of course, should’ve known better with a person like Andy. Or his type. Andy just freaks out over anything and everything. I know plenty of other people with whom I have much less in common, but could live with them so much more easily. However, I will never live with anyone again. That’s how I felt before Andy moved in, so I sure as hell won’t change my mind about that now. He has lived here for almost a month.

4:16 AM

The last sentence got cut off cuz Andy and I started talking. We also played the piano and sang. I still say, though, that yes, he has a lot of good qualities, yes, we have a lot in common, but God, he can be an asshole!

1/18/1991 Fri. 4 AM

If I’m such a cruel, nasty bitch who has so many bad points and not too many good ones, as people like to tell me, then why do people bother with me? Why not go find someone like themselves? I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel guilty or selfish cuz I want to live alone. Or be myself.

I haven’t talked with Steve or Jessie for the longest time. I’m not good enough for them. That’s how I feel. I can’t help but always feel that with everyone, even though I know I have good qualities. If I dump all my friends, I won’t have to worry about communication and being misunderstood or feeling like I’m not good enough or a burden to them. People can be so contradictory, too. They play with my head. I’ll say something which they’ll say they agree with 100%, then the next day they’ll use it against me and play me for a fool. Like, “How dare you say that, Jodi!” But yesterday they agreed with and fully understood what I said. I’m no longer gonna be made to feel ashamed, foolish, or guilty about the way I feel about things. The way I feel is the way I feel, and who and what I am is who and what I am. Not what others want me to be, say, act, or feel.

7:12 AM

The little wimpett is going to start moving today and be out by tomorrow. I’m counting down the minutes.

Another reason I haven’t spoken to Steve is that I’m tired of the “Andy said” bullshit. It puts me on the spot when I’m all of a sudden hit with something Andy said. Then I have to defend myself and explain something he made up or twisted around to make them dislike me or misunderstand me. He loves to turn people against me, and he’s dropped plenty of hints that he’s had some pretty long and heavy-duty talks with his friend Adam concerning me. With many others, too. If you typed up all he’s ever said to people about me, he’d have a 3" thick book. Of course, in the long run, as far as Andy thinks, he’s 95% right and I’m 95% wrong.

6:18 PM

Tomorrow, Mr. Melodramatic is out of here. Thank fucking God! I can’t wait to have this place back to myself. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here, but God only knows I’m counting down the minutes till Mr. Antic is out of here.

It shocks the shit out of me to say that as of 1 a.m. tonight, it’ll be five days, going on six, since I last smoked. Amazing, huh? Not that I’m not getting urges here and there. I am. But the urges are very brief, and five days is fantastic, seeing that the longest I’ve ever made it before was just a tad over two days. My back pain is gone. And I am no longer so severely short of breath. I’m still a little tight in the chest, though, and a little wheezy and still coughing and sneezing some. Besides having bad withdrawal, I also have a cold. The cold is subsiding much quicker than it would’ve if I still smoked. It’ll be really nice to only have a cold for four days out of the year rather than 300 days out of the year.

9:15 PM

Jesus, I’ve been up 22 hours! When am I gonna fall asleep? I think part of it is cuz I’m so psyched for Andy to get the fuck out tomorrow morning. Wait till the people he rents from find out he doesn’t do chores and breaks things. Or tries to when he isn’t getting his way. Wait till he himself finds out our friendship is over.

1/19/1991 Sat. 12:24 AM

Sure enough, I fucking woke up hacking my brains out about an hour ago. I had fallen asleep right after I last wrote. I definitely have a cold. No doubt about it, as I can really feel it now.

Andy said that even when I feel I’ve kicked the smoking habit, I’ll still have urges. Of course, I know I will every so often, and Andy’s been supportive, but I think he’s starting to get jealous somewhat. God knows he’s very capable of that too, as I’ve seen him display jealousy before. It’s OK to feel a little jealous of someone now and then, but it depends on how you handle that jealousy. Andy has quit for 10 days on two different occasions. Depending on the situation, I sometimes will look at a glass of water as being either half full or half empty. Andy will always see it as half empty.

Well, the street animals are out playing musical horns as usual.

Thank fucking God Andy will be out of here in less than 12 hours!

5:20 AM

I wish to hell I could go back to sleep for a while. I have a lot of shit I need to do today, and I want to sleep tomorrow night to be awake for Sunday’s voice lesson.

I started to get really pissed off with my urge to smoke. Even though they’re not intense, they’re still pretty frequent, and I know it’ll be this way forever. The thought of always craving a cigarette pissed me off to the point where I held one and stared at it. I told myself if I smoked it, I’d have a severe attack, which is true. I told myself I didn’t want to ever have to go to the ER again and be within inches of death 24 hours a day and in so much constant pain that I WISHED I were dead. I also thought of my singing. Yes, craving one is a better way of suffering, but it’s going to suck just the same. Since I do not drink or do drugs, it’s hard not to have something of some kind to do, and watching others smoke.

1/21/1991 Mon. 5:30 AM

Yesterday, my niece Lisa turned 8.

The day before yesterday, I had about four cigarettes. I was terrified to go to bed, thinking I’d wake up with a wicked bad attack, but I woke up fine. In fact, I feel better than I have in a long time. My nose and lungs are clearer, and I’m not tight in the chest, and there’s no back pain. Today I’ve had only one, but I could really go for one now.

11:22 PM

Right after I last wrote, Jimmy gave me a cigarette, which was my second. I fell asleep at 9:00 this morning, figuring it’d be easy to get up at 1 p.m. cuz I’d slept so many hours the day before. How wrong I was. I was dead tired. I didn’t get up until a few minutes before 4:00, when Bill rang the buzzer. I remained tired ever since, but at least I got my grocery shopping done. I want to do more laundry tonight, but I’m too beat. Last night I did two loads from around 12:30–2:30 AM. It was quite convenient, as I’m a night person and knew no one would be using the machines.

1/23/1991 Wed. 5:39 AM

I have therapy today, yet I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get there. I slept till almost 8:00 last night.

Andy came over last night, and once again, things are fairly good between us now that we’re not living together. See, when you have a fight with someone over the phone, you can just hang up on them. It’s not that simple when you’re living with someone.

Since Sunday, I’ve been having 2–3 cigarettes a day, and it’s catching up to me, so I’ve got to be careful again. My back pain’s back, and I’m waking up coughing again.

1/24/1991 Thurs. 2:34 AM

When I finally fell asleep, I’d been up for 20 hours. I awoke at 8:30 this morning. I’m surprised I didn’t sleep longer since I couldn’t fall asleep till 4:00 this afternoon.

I called Community Care and left a message for Martha saying I wouldn’t be back. I figure, how am I ever going to learn how to suppress my feelings and be independent if I continue therapy? Yes, I know I’m already what most people would call mega independent for a girl my age, especially all except for my source of income. I’m not gonna get into my income, except to say yes, I’d much rather earn it by singing, and someday I will, but for now I do not feel guilty. The state owes me. They fucked me over. And over. And over.

Although I’ve known all my life that being a famous singer was destined, I also knew it wouldn’t come young. I figured I’d be between the ages of 30 and 32. I knew it’d be fast once it all started. That may be why it’s not coming till 30 and 32 rather than now.

Also, I knew that the Gods had lots of learning experiences for me and survival tests lined up for me, and boy, have I now had five lifetimes of that! However, I am grateful to have learned some of the things I’ve learned. What you don’t know can hurt you or severely frustrate you or raise false hopes for you.

I am surprised Andy and Fran haven’t tried calling. Also, there was no message on the machine from Brenda.

7:28 AM

I am going to try to stay up till 9:00 when the Western Mass legal aid office opens. I need to speak to a legal intern who’s got some advice for me. I don’t know if I wrote about it yet, but Russ is being a prick by trying to evict me. I know it’s cuz I’ve been demanding the heat that I pay for in my rent that I haven’t gotten along with several other tenants. This may also be for tax purposes or to get people out so he can raise the rent. My parents and Tammy are pissed at him, and Dad referred me to legal aid. The little fuck, though, wouldn’t speak to Tammy or me and never called Dad back. He refuses to give me a reason, but he told Andy it was cuz I didn’t like the neighborhood, and this way I can move out. I was in the ER at the time, so he handed the notice to Andy.

I went down to the housing court, and the woman there said that cuz I pay on the 1st, he can’t evict me till February 9th. He gave me a 30-day notice on January 9th, but by law, the little fuck can’t do shit till March 1st. Hopefully, Russ will hurry up and take me to court so I can sue him there and try to get rent back payments for the months I froze my ass off. That’s probably what Wendy at legal aid will tell me to do. I mean, what the fuck does this prick expect to say or do in court other than make a spectacle out of himself? Steve says the jackass will drop it. Bullshit. I know how people are. When they start trouble, they start trouble, but this little fuck obviously doesn’t realize he’s fucking with the wrong girl.

Same with Jenny C. Court on March 6th? HA! Jenny got exactly what she deserved, so she’s going to have to enjoy going to court herself, cuz I sure as hell won’t be there.

8:51 AM

Andy and I are performing at the Pub this Friday night. He’s gonna do If I Were You by Stevie Nicks, and I’m gonna do Words Get in the Way by Gloria.

Speaking of Gloria, she’s got a new album due to come out in five days. I hope there are some songs in Spanish on it. I wish I could’ve gotten that album with a lot of her songs in Spanish on it, including Words Get in the Way (No Me Vuelvo a Enamorar). It would be better to do the Spanish version for the contest. I’ll need to order that album.

Brenda gave me two ciggies, so now that makes seven. I’m really gonna pay for this. God, please don’t let me have a bad attack till I can once again get up the will to try and quit again.

Ok, time to move me, my coffee, and my phone to the bedroom where I’m nice and comfortable.

11:30 PM

I woke up feeling fairly good. I slept with my humidifier on.

Little fuck Fran’s up to his shit again. I woke up to a message from his neighbor, Debbie, accusing me of saying I’m gonna hurt her two-year-old daughter and that Fran got a call from DES. I then had to explain to her how long I’ve known Fran and how little she knew him and that she had quite a bit to learn. This poor girl was terrified. Fran got her all worked up, and it’s obviously a sexual issue or the fact that Fran had a horrendously lousy day. Debbie said I sounded sincere, and I told her not to worry about Fran’s BS and not to let it get to her. I also told her to tell Fran that not only is he not welcome here anymore, but he’s not welcome to call me either. Between the shit Fran pulled with my mother, along with other stuff, and now this, that’s the final straw, and I don’t need him.

Andy left a message about returning the videotape of his so I can record his soap. I called over where he lives, and Gail says he’s not there. I also called over at Brenda’s, assuming he’d be there, but there was no answer.

1/25/1991 Fri. 3:35 AM

Shadow’s climbing all over me. I swear this cat is so affectionate and loving. He follows me everywhere. I should’ve named him Glue instead. Earlier, I was running around the living room with him. We have several games we play.

I spoke to Andy a little while ago for the second time. I told him I’d record his show for him on one of my tapes.

The reason I’ve been sleeping during the day, which of course is never hard to do, is cuz, as I mentioned before, Andy and I are performing at the Pub a noche.

Andy told me another bizarre thing. First, let me back up and mention Angie. I don’t think I mentioned her. A while back, not even a month ago, we went to the Pub, and I eyed this girl; she seemed prettier than usual and had Andy speak to her for me. When he came back to where I was sitting, he said she was a rude bitch. He said she said, “Well, after I dump this asshole, I’ll think about it.” She was with another girl. Angie was totally smashed, and the next part of the story will tell you so.

As Andy and I were leaving at closing time, we walked by Angie and her girlfriend, and Andy goes, “Now, here’s the better-looking girl,” and she saw me and insisted I come back to the bar. She hadn’t seen what I looked like till then.

Now here’s the sad but typical part, especially for a bar person and a fairly good-looking one. She screamed out so the whole bar could hear, “Will you lick my pussy?” Then she did the usual trick people do and gave me the wrong phone number.

What’s bizarre is that Andy was cutting through this Laundromat to his mother’s store that I’ve been to before, and it turns out Angie works there. That Laundromat is a dump. I used to go there when I lived on Oswego St.

He said he said her name to be sure, and she said, “Yeah, I’m Angie. How’d you know?”

Then Andy told her, “You don’t want to know.” Andy said she had no makeup on and looked tired.

He also said that maybe God sent him to walk through there to find out where she works, so I can take it from there.

I definitely don’t want a relationship nowadays, even with the right person. I just wanna have fun here and there, but not with just anyone. Right now, what’s most important to me and mainly on my mind is having what I’ve never had in my entire 25 years of life—sex with someone I’m really sexually attracted to and turned on by, if only for a night. I’d rather have a few one-nighters here and there, even if it’s only five a year with someone I’m attracted to, rather than get serious with someone who doesn’t really matter.

6:25 AM

I went through all my journals, and I’ve kept journals for three years and three months now. I went through each one and wrote the entry dates on the covers. I guess that’s gonna be my new thing. I’ve written 360 days of the three years and three months. On the cover of each book, I wrote the month and then each day of that month that I wrote.

I think I’m gonna go lie down. It’s fucking freezing in here! That little fuck of a bastard landlord of mine. Boy, do I ever want to hound the shit out of him!

9:52 AM

The housing people are coming on Monday, and I called Mom, who was being her usual bitchy self, and asked if she’s heard from him, which I doubted, and she hasn’t. This shit Russ is pulling is definitely tax-related, as well as raising the rent when I’m gone. But I’m gonna be here for a while, and if Russ keeps this shit up, it’s gonna cost him more money than a profit.

A few years ago, when Nellie and José pulled their crap on me by ripping me off, I brought up charges and was able to drop them over the phone after being paid back by Nellie. Well, I just tried that by calling the courthouse, saying I was Jenny, and it didn’t work, but all is still well cuz I’m not going to court.

I will not give Jenny the satisfaction of showing up for a lousy slew of prank phone calls. Jenny got exactly what she deserved, and I know lots of other people have done the same.

I haven’t heard from John R since he got fired from Mercy Hospital.

I tried calling the Laundromat where Angie works, and no one’s there now but this retard janitor. Guess they don’t open till 10:00. I’ll try again soon.

1/26/1991 Sat. 4:18 AM

Andy and I performed tonight. Neither of us won, but it was fun just the same. The audience and the judges didn’t dislike us, but we both felt we were nothing special and could’ve been better.

It amazes me how many people I know. People came up to me before the show and talked to me, and I didn’t even know who knew me from previous shows. This one guy remembered when I signed and said that was “fierce.” I saw tons of people I knew who complimented me after the show, and I was also complimented by people I didn’t know. Raven was there along with Emie, Loopie, Candy, Jasmine, Miles, W.C., Scott, Rachel, Dedra, and at least 20 or more other people I know.

I met this incredibly feminine girl named Lisa, who gave me her number, if it’s the right one. I wasn’t too impressed with her hair, which was short on top and spiked with a long tail in the back. Her body and her face were beautiful, though. She’s not bi either; she’s just gay.

Last year, though, I would really be into her and meeting others. I used to be so eager. Now my heart’s just not in it like it used to be. There’s still a great part of me saying, “All I want now is to be alone, and I’m not even quite ready yet for a one-night stand.”

I saw three other girls who were even more gorgeous, and yes, I would do a one-nighter with them right away (one at a time, of course). One was straight, as usual. The other two were a couple, also as usual. They were so feminine, though, and each one had such nice, long, dark hair.

Also, I chatted with the cops.

10:26 AM

I broke down in tears thinking about this shit with Russ and finally said to myself that I was going to put an end to this, either the easy way or the hard way. So I called Russ and asked to speak to him. He said, “Sure,” sounding very friendly and sincere. I figured he’d more or less have nothing to say to me.

Anyway, I said to him, “How can you be so cruel and vindictive when you never were before? You’ve done me favors, such as not having me pay last month’s rent and getting me movers. So why are you so eager to see me out on the streets when you know I have nothing, no money, no family, and nowhere to go? I have never hurt anyone or anything, and I don’t know what you can say in court or if this is a tax-related thing or what. You even said so yourself that it would get cold in here when it got bitterly cold outside, and you know there have been several other tenants complaining. If you’d stop putting temperature recorders in here that say it’s a temperature it’s not, then I’ll forget about taking legal action if you’re willing to drop this and turn up the heat.”

He sounded friendly, as I said, and said he’d like to stop by and see me sometime before noon. I have no idea what he’s planning, but I’ll write about it once I know.

1/27/1991 Sun. 5:15 AM

Russ came over yesterday before noon. He asked me to write down every time it got cold and what the temperature was after putting a thermometer in each room.

He told me he was prepared for the judge to allow me to stay until October, but that he hoped it wouldn’t come down to court. There’s nothing solid or valid he could do or say in court, and I told him I would move when I’m ready to move.

Tomorrow, I’m going to call Legal Aid.

12:32 PM

I was over at Brenda and Bonny’s place, and I played them the edits I made early this morning. They’re not bad. I gave Bonny this T-shirt she liked, and she gave me a denim mini skirt. She also gave me little bulletin boards in the shape of the letters L and R. L and R can stand for Linda Ronstadt.

Kim will be here any moment for a sign language lesson.

Lisa, the girl I met at the Pub, said she’s home all the time. Well, she must have her ringer off if she did give me the right number, cuz I tried four times and there’s no answer. She’ll have to call me.

I’m starting to get a little tired. I hope Bill’s not here too long. Also, Andy needs to bring over my videotape along with his so I can record his show.

7 PM

I’ve had a great day today. Bonny and I have become pretty good friends. “It’s better than fighting,” as she said.

Andy and I had a nice visit, although the woman he’s renting from is really treating him like shit. He’s moving back in with his parents by Valentine’s Day.

Bill, Andy, and I had a nice talk, and I played them my new edition of the edits.

I’m beat, cuz I’ve been up since 2 a.m., so I should sleep quite well. I just hope that none of these fucking street animals wakes me up.

1/29/1991 Tues. 8:15 AM

Yesterday I woke up feeling like shit. I was really congested. I took my asthma pill and some Dimetapp, and Brenda gave me some Anthramycin, which is an antibiotic. As long as I eat a little before taking it, it doesn’t bother my stomach.

Yesterday I woke up at 7:30 a.m. Today I woke up at 6 a.m. Nice, huh? Now, wait till I have to perform this Friday night. But my point is that even though I woke up with a coughing fit after I’d slept for four hours like I usually do, I woke up later feeling great! The antibiotic really helped with my congestion. I haven’t sneezed yet and haven’t blown my nose 5,000 times.

I’ve had half a cigarette, though, and I’m gonna do the 2–3 a day thing rather than 5–6 to really lower my nicotine level and try quitting again. Kim offered me five bucks a day if I quit. That does make it more encouraging, besides the idea of being able to breathe and sing without clearing my throat or sneezing.

Speaking of my voice, God, is it really developing! I’m really getting to be quite a good singer. It gets more and more brilliant and vibrant.

1/30/1991 Wed. 12:05 PM

Andy had better hurry up. His show starts at 1:00. If he’s not here, I’ll record it. He’s supposedly coming over with

2:40 PM

I was interrupted before because the phone rang, and two seconds before Andy’s show came on, he walked in. His show wasn’t on anyway because of the Gulf War update. He was pissed, and I don’t blame him, because that’s what the news hour is for. They shouldn’t keep interrupting the shows. News belongs on the news.

He’ll be here for six hours editing his tapes.

I got a call from Martha, and I am going to see her later at 4:00.

5:37 PM

I’m glad I went to therapy after all. I got a lot of shit off my chest. We basically discussed how I view myself and how others view me. I told her how and why I thought I was a quality person who may appear goofy and playful but is mature and good at knowing other people’s characters. We talked about how there are many types of people that I dislike, but I still understand why they’re the way they are.

I also discussed how I get the types that are loud, obnoxious, and desperate, or the geeky, shy types that can’t speak for themselves and aren’t firm enough when they need to be. I told her I need someone more outspoken and loving and understanding, yet as rough and as tough as they need to be.

My sister called. I told her if worst came to worst, she could check out apartments for me.

1/31/1991 Thurs. 4:33 AM

God, I am so tired. I fell asleep at 9:00, and sure enough, I woke up at 1:00 after sleeping four hours. I woke up sneezing and blowing my nose. My lungs don’t feel bad, and I’d rather wake up to sneeze and blow my nose than cough and wheeze.

Andy came over, saying he thinks he may be catching a cold, and I hope that doesn’t worsen mine, because you know how weak my immune system is.

I need to try to quit smoking again soon and also see Dr. McGovern. I need more Theodur, and I guess I’ll also discuss allergy shots. I wish I could do the natural cure by quitting smoking permanently!

Russ called tonight, sounding sincere again, saying he’d really like to resolve our dispute. I told him once again that if he’s willing to drop it, I’ll drop it, and that I surely do not plan to live here forever. I also told him that for the last three days, it hasn’t been bad in here because it’s been a little warmer outside, but as soon as it gets bitterly cold, it gets cold in here. I reminded him again that the other tenants and I wouldn’t complain for no reason, and hopefully it sank in this time, and he’ll give up his spiteful tricks. But as long as he’s going to push the eviction, I’m going to push small claims court. If anything, he owes me money that I’ve paid for the heat that was supposed to be included in my rent and that I never got.

Boy, is it ever windy out now. It sounds like someone’s screaming.

I really do need to try and go back to sleep, so first I’ll make coffee, smoke a butt, listen to a little music, and then I should be more than ready.

Tomorrow I’ve got to go to Food Fart.