October 1990

10/1/1990 Mon. 2:50 AM

My mother said something astounding. Not only was I shocked, but I also shed a few tears. I called Mom and told her that I bought a tiny fork and spoon for Sarah and socks for Becky and Lisa. Then I told her that I agreed about having money and someone to help if I were to have a baby. But I also told her I didn’t like being told what I should or shouldn’t do at this age.

So I finally asked the two questions that concerned me most, in blunt, plain English. I said, “If I have a child someday, are you going to disown me or call the state?”

She said no. I freaked out with shock and joy. I absolutely and totally could not believe it.

Otherwise, no news lately, just that I had a very nice weekend with Brenda and also Gail and Judy. Gail and Judy are so nice—you feel as if you’ve known them for years. They, of course, don’t turn me on, but they’re very attracted to me, so I hear. It’s obvious by the way they look at me. Same thing with Bonny. I did their nails for them, and a couple of weekends ago, Brenda, Judy, Gail, and I went to Jam’s. We had fun, and I ran into Tracy there, who said she had broken up with Nancy. I guess Nancy was an alcoholic and a troublemaker. She seemed a little irritated talking to me and left with another girl who seemed slightly offended when I asked if she was single.

Tracy said she was in California on the 4th of July and was shocked at how feminine the gay women were there. That’s what she likes, too.

She also told me to leave a message with my number at the dentist’s office where she works on Maple St., but should I really leave a message that I seriously doubt will ever get answered?

My friendship with Andy has been excellent over the last several months. He admitted he was being cruel and selfish for a while, then realized it and didn’t want to lose me as his friend. He was also jealous of my looks and abilities, but instead of being negative, he’s encouraging and appreciative of what I do.

It’s too bad his relationship with Miles isn’t going well. According to Andy, Miles is too clingy and constantly wants sex. Also, because Andy didn’t give Miles sex for two days, Miles cheated on him. Andy’s pissed and is on the verge of dumping him. He says he thinks Miles is the way he is because his father molested him. Also, Miles has a big mouth and blabbed some sexual stuff about him and Andy really loudly in Friendly’s. He talks ten times more like a fem than Andy does.

Tomorrow I want to go see Paula and get something for Brenda, but I still can’t sleep, and it’s now 3:17 AM. I was beat before. Sometimes life as a night owl sucks.

10/4/1990 Thurs. 11:16 PM

Right now I’m on the phone listening to Fran talk to Bobbie. Andy and I wish to hell Tracy would call us.

I’m turning into a very, very slightly okay artist. Of course, some of my drawings are a little explicit. Guess what that means? I’ve been so fucking horny lately.

10/5/1990 Fri. 3:43 AM

Gee, I have exactly one day short of two months until I turn 25—a quarter of a century.

My new little kitten, which Brenda got me, is sitting here in bed with me, and he's so loving and affectionate. The one thing you couldn't do with Sasha was pick her up and cuddle her, or have her come to you and let you cuddle her for more than three seconds. His name is Bandit. He's now trying to distract me from writing by rubbing against my book and me and giving me kisses. He's fairly gentle with his claws, but when he gets a little older, I'd like to get him neutered and declawed. I hate getting clawed while playing. I mean, they can just sit or stand on you, but their claws hurt like hell. Now he's playing with my hair, which all kittens, cats, and babies seem to love.

Brenda's cab broke down yesterday afternoon, and while she was at the office, the owner's wife happened to be giving away kittens. That's how I got him, the day after Brenda's birthday. He's six weeks old and looks a lot like Sasha, but Sasha was gray and white. Bandit is orange and white, with slightly shorter hair. It's the same pattern as Sasha’s, and I think they’re both tabby cats. He's so loving and follows me everywhere. He's calm and gentle, and he knows how to pee in his litter box, though he still has to learn not to go on furniture or chew wires.

I’ve had absolutely no sneezing fits! And this cat is here to stay till death do us part. My mom was right about all my problems being due to smoking, and I’ve known it for some time, but it was too scary to admit. Dealing with withdrawal is terrifying, and my congestion is getting bad, so I’ve only had seven or eight cigarettes today.

The pigs were a little jealous and depressed about Bandit, but otherwise, they’re still the usual loving troublemakers.

I bought Brenda a pair of earrings and some sexy underwear for her birthday, and we went to her sister Donna’s house in Palmer. I’ve known her husband Kevin for four years, and he knew Crystal, too.

Donna's a great person, someone you feel comfortable talking to about almost anything, and who accepts people as they are. The kids were great too, and I’d have loved to have someone like her as my mother.

Tomorrow, I have to call John R, maybe try leaving a message with Dr. Goodman's receptionist for Tracy—just once. I also have to call Philip and go to Food Mart. I wonder if Kathy will fix my bangs if I call her. She works at Food Mart, gave me her number, and we went to La Baron together. She hated it too and only does it on the side. My bangs look pretty stupid, so maybe she can trim and layer them.

10/6/1990 Sat. 3:15 AM

Yesterday, I only smoked seven or eight cigarettes. Today, even though I still slept until 9:00 p.m., I’ve had three so far. I am very, very congested, which is part of the reason I’ve smoked so little. Also, I’m having sneezing fits and wheezing. In 48 hours, I’ve smoked only 11 cigarettes, which is why I’m constantly blowing my nose like there’s no tomorrow. It gets worse before it gets better after you either quit or cut down, because all that tar and gunk start draining.

10/7/1990 Sun. 4:06 AM

Tracy called Andy and me last night. We were both thrilled to hear from her. I played her the edits, which she thought were great. She said she hadn’t contacted us because she needed space and time to sort things out.

Last night was awful. I was so full of congestion. I never knew one could have to blow their nose so much. It’s red and sore now, and I feel much better now that I've drained out all that shit, so I guess it was worth the misery. Tomorrow—or today, I should say—Bill will be here at 1:00, so I hope I can get a little sleep. I had to sleep all day today because I was so miserable. It’s called “sleeping it off.” I’m thankful I feel much better, though, and also thankful it wasn’t the flu. Anything but the flu. Smoking very little also helped get rid of it quicker, but I couldn’t have smoked much even if I wanted to. The funny thing is, though, the last three days I really haven’t had much of a desire to smoke. Today I had five or six, and psychologically I still think of it, but the physical part isn’t too bad.

I love this little kitty of mine to death. I’m so glad Brenda got him for me.

10/12/1990 Fri. noon

It’s been one week now, and I still feel like shit. Oh well. It also looks like I’m going to have to cancel going to my sister’s tomorrow. One reason is that I feel like shit, and the other is that it’s contagious. I don’t want to stand and just look at my nieces from three feet away; I want to hold them and hug them. Tammy mentioned going next weekend if I couldn’t make it this time.

Then I’ll be seeing Mom and Dad on the 15th, and it fucking figures I’m sick, so I can’t sing.

Yesterday I got three journals at an excellent price. I mean, a really fantastic deal. Normally, the three of them would’ve cost close to $24, but I got them for $12 in the secondhand department. I’m glad I discovered that they sell them there, which is weird because these books are brand new and just as nice as the regular main part of the store.

10/22/1990 Mon. 1:44 AM

I was exhausted before, but as usual, I woke right up. Man, oh man, I just went through a hell of a nightmare since the last time I wrote! I had to go to the ER three fucking times, and I was terrified! I literally thought I was going to die, and it hurt so bad I wished I would drop dead until it was over. I had the worst asthma of my life. They had to take me immediately (usually you wait forever) to give me oxygen treatments, and the last time I had an IV. It was really scary. I could only smoke three cigarettes in one week's time. I'm on Prednisone for 12 days and Bactrim, which is an antibiotic, for 10 days. Also, I'm on Theodur and Alupent, which are the same stuff as in my inhaler. Theodur and Alupent are the two most common drugs used for asthma.

I saw Mom and Dad on the 15th, and we had a fairly good visit. They came up for about an hour or so. They're back in Florida now.

I may possibly be going to my sister's this Saturday. Tammy's really sick now, too.

Steve and I spliced a wire today so I can edit from the CD player onto the stereo, and it sounds great, too. I have plenty of editing to do, as well as story writing.

They raised my food stamps to $114, so I did a huge grocery order, and I never had so much food in my life, but I really need to lose weight. I'm getting pretty chunky lately.

10/23/1990 Tues. 8:20 PM

Brenda brushed out my hair for me, and God, it’s getting long. It’s almost to my very lower back, and the layers are growing out. The very top layer, though, is completely destroyed. I have massive split ends.

Shadow’s climbing all over me. I think I mentioned before why I changed his name from Bandit to Shadow. He’s like glue. He loves to be near me constantly and follows me everywhere like a shadow. However, when I go to bed, I shut the bedroom door because he always wakes me up.

One thing that’s starting to annoy me is that I’m very bloated. I want to hurry up and get my period, so I drop some water. I don’t want to take my water pill while I’m still finishing up my other medications. I did some exercise, and I’m going to do more later. Also, I’m going to get more Slim-Fast and eat very little until I drop 10 pounds. It’s funny to say I’m chunky at 105 pounds, but then again, I am very short. It’s not that I weigh too much pound-wise—it’s my shape, I guess. I have so much water, too.

I took all my pictures of Gloria down last night. There are only a few in the bedroom. I wanted a change and a break from them, so I put them in my file box in my closet. I’ll never throw them out because I’ve put so much time and money into them, and it’ll be really neat to look back at them someday. Maybe I’ll put them back up in a matter of months or someday. I still wish I could afford a duplex; I’d make the cellar the music place with the posters, stereo, and keyboards, and I wish I had a washer and dryer. By God, I’d love to be able to afford that. I’d have two bedrooms, one and a half baths, and a dishwasher too, no doubt.

10 PM

I’m now watching the premiere of Law & Order. Before this, I saw In the Heat of the Night. Brenda left after Matlock. I put Brenda’s hair in a braid—it looked nice.

I still haven’t received any notification about the police exam. I’m not stupid, though; they’ll never notify me worth shit.

I’m going to make some angel hair pasta. It’s so good.

10/24/1990 Wed. 3:20 AM

Well, I’m going to need to go to sleep as soon as possible, so to help myself, I’m going to listen to music for a while.

Tomorrow morning, I have to call Philip about fixing my stereo. I can’t put it off any longer.

Also, I see Martha at 4:00. I’m not sure if I mentioned it, but I think she might have a thing for me. It’s just this feeling I get, and it’s also certain things she says and the way she says them. Oh well. Of course, I’ll keep my mouth shut about it. She is married, after all, and she also swore she never mixes business with pleasure, which I respect.

I want to go to Caldor’s too, to see if Gloria’s new album is out. I’m not sure of the name of it, and they’re not new songs—just old hits—but they’re all in Spanish.

11:36 PM

I just finished killing a spider, which, like most spiders, was on the ceiling. I sprayed it with lots of Lysol and perfume to get it down so I could swat it.

Today, I got this awesome—and I mean totally awesome—speakerphone I ordered last week. Now I need to make four payments of $22, but it’s worth it. I love it. I can be doing something like writing or making coffee and still talking to someone. I can also play the edits to people so they can hear them well, and I can hear their reactions, and if it’s an answering machine, I can hear it beep when it ends. Another thing: if my call-waiting beeps, I’ll hear that too.

This insurance company has a hell of a long machine. Brenda and I passed it on the way home from Baystate Waste after I saw Martha, and I said to myself, “I bet they have a machine.”

By the way, Martha definitely has no desire for a woman. She’s 100% straight as an arrow.

Andy’s got company now, so he’s going to call me later, and Fran’s not home. I’m bored, and I love this phone, so I may as well have a field day with it and look up insurance companies in the yellow pages. It seems like a lot of insurance companies have answering machines.

10/25/1990 Thurs. 2:07 AM

I’m still wide awake and probably will be for a while. I’m just having a grand old time with the new phone. There’s a mute button on it too, and you don’t need to keep holding it down like on most other phones. You hit it once, and a red light glows to show it’s in use; to turn off the mute, you hit it again, and the red light goes off.

A little while ago, I listened to the 45 of Take a Chance on Me by ABBA. I bought it today at One Stop Records. I’ve always liked that song and used to have that record. I don’t know what happened to it, along with tons of other records. They either got old, I got sick of them, or they were stolen.

2:53 AM

Why, oh, why didn’t I stay the fuck off cigarettes?! I had three cigarettes in one week, and now I smoked a whole pack yesterday, and today I’ve had close to a pack. What a jerk, huh? I’m going to chuck the rest of my pack, try again until I absolutely can’t fight the urge to smoke, and listen to music.

10/26/1990 Fri. 2:32 AM

I’m going nuts just sitting around here, so since I can’t have music, I’ve got to find something. Those dickheads never sent me my notice for the police exam, but I figured as much from the start. I don’t know who’s responsible, so I don’t know who to call to bitch about it. Oh well—like I said, I figured I’d never be notified, just like I knew I’d never get that security job at Mercy with John.

Why is it that anything I’d be good at and want to do, I just can’t? It wasn’t meant to be. If I were smart, a long time ago I’d have chosen a career I hate, never wanted to have a baby, and, if I were ever single again, I’d pick all the ones I don’t want or that are just okay. Actually, they pick me, so I should say.

9:53 AM

I tried calling Philip about the stereo, but he’s not at work and isn’t answering his phone at home.

Today, I’m going to Food Mart for cat food, stamps, and paper plates. I also want to go to Brightwood Hardware in Longmeadow for pig and mouse food.

I’m getting tired as hell, but I want to push it as far as I can so I sleep somewhat into the night. With my luck, however, after three or four hours of sleep, I’ll bolt wide awake and not be able to fall back asleep.

I’m really starting to want to work. I need extra money, and this being at home all the time is really getting to me. But since I can’t sing or be a cop and am too chicken to drive a cab, what can I do other than work at McDonald’s or something really boring and stupid?

I’m going to call the apartment rental people for general information about duplexes. I know I can never afford it, but it never hurts to get some information. I’ll go get the yellow pages.

10/27/1990 Sat. 2:50 AM

I fell asleep at 5:30 PM after being up for 21½ hours, and of course, almost an hour ago, I woke right up. I was kind of hoping I’d sleep till 5 AM. Anyway, guess what I’m doing today at 9 AM? Taking the police exam. I called Boston after talking to Tony today, out here on Locust St., during a car accident. He said the people weren’t hurt too badly and that it had to do with insurance, and he was tired of supporting the welfare recipients. So I mentioned the exam to him and some other cop, and they said the test might have been canceled due to all the layoffs and suggested I call Boston to check. When I called, I told the woman I never received my notice. She said they’d had trouble with their mailings and asked for my Social Security number. I gave it to her, and she read back my name and address and said it was tomorrow morning at 9 AM at Converse High on State St. They allow three hours for the test, but you’re free to leave when you’re done. There are 100 questions, which means I cannot get more than 30 wrong. She said it’ll be 120 days before they mail my marks—that’s four months—and there are around 2,000 people taking the test. She also said to bring a birth certificate, a photo ID, and some number 2 pencils. Brenda took me to Shopper’s Drug where she met Emily, and Emily gave me the pencils. I bought them, of course, along with a pack of cigarettes like a jerk.

I was going to go to Tammy’s tomorrow, but Brenda’s got a visit with her kids she can’t cancel, and Bill’s here tomorrow and Monday. Maybe Tuesday. Tammy’s going to be pissed, and I understand that—I’m dying to see Sarah, but this test only comes up once every two years.

5:09 AM

It definitely doesn’t look like I’m going back to sleep, so I’ll write for a while. I’ve got a CD playing: Fleetwood Mac’s Greatest Hits. It’s pretty good; I like most of the songs, though some are boring.

Tomorrow, after the test, I still need to get pig food and a heavyweight bowl for Tigger. I’m getting pretty sick of him either knocking it over or slamming it against the side of his cage. I also need food for Gremlin and Shadow, plus stamps and paper plates. It’s also about time to buy another big bale of sawdust. There’s always something to buy, such as Gloria’s new record.

I think maybe I’ll hem some more of those pants Kacey gave me.

6:06 AM

Well, I didn’t hem the pants—one pair didn’t quite fit since I gained weight—but I did take my measurements and found I’ve gone down an inch since three days ago when I started exercising hard and taking Slim-Fast. I hemmed an old shirt that was almost to my ankles, bringing it up to mid-thigh. It came out better than I thought, but I’ll have Brenda check it to make sure it’s not crooked. I’m not too thrilled with the way it falls, but I’ll ask Brenda.

After my shower, I’ll put on another coat of nail polish and decide what to wear—something casual. I hope after the test and errands, I can catch a couple of hours of sleep so I can go to the Halloween party at the Pub tonight. I want to wear my new black lace skirt. Part of me hopes Brenda ends up too tired to go, so I can observe others without her observing me observe them. But then again, we mutually look at other women and are honest with each other. In the long run, Brenda will never have anything to worry about because gay women are a major turn-off to me in general, and it’s against the rules for me to be attracted to someone. Oh well. At least God allows people to be attracted to me, which is nice as long as they’re not major sickos. As time goes on, I’m having an easier time encountering better people, even if I don’t quite meet my desired standards.

Okay, time for my second coffee, then my shower.

3:20 PM

Brenda dropped me off at 8:30 this morning, and they made everyone who didn’t get their notice go into a room. They gave us an “appear” card after checking our names against the list, and they checked our photo IDs and birth certificates, which I need to photocopy and mail to Boston.

We had to print and sign our names, which they compared with our signatures on our licenses.

There were several butches there, and I got stared down by guys and butches alike. A Hispanic girl sat next to me. I’m not sure, but I think she was gay from the huge smile and wave she gave me as I walked in. We chatted here and there before the test. She urged me to choose South Hadley for one of my four choices of cities or towns to work in. My first choice was Springfield, but I had no choice because you had to pick where you lived for the last 12 months. My second choice was East Longmeadow. I would’ve chosen Longmeadow, but it wasn’t listed. My third choice was West Springfield. My fourth choice was Chicopee.

There were two classroom monitors, one man and one woman. The woman constantly stared at me; I caught her once, and her face turned bright red. After the test, as I was leaving, I could see her grinning to herself with the same red face.

We didn’t start the test until 9:30, and I finished at almost 12:30. I’m not sure whether I passed or failed. Some tricky questions had me going over and over them. I’ll know sometime in February. I’m anxious and have never wanted time to speed up so badly in my life. I usually don’t care about time or wish I could stop it and drop dead.

The landlord will be here any minute to fix the heat. Today and all last night, I froze my ass off.

I told Tammy I’d be down next weekend; she said she wasn’t mad, understood, and told me to think positively about the test.

After the landlord leaves, I hope to catch a few hours of sleep so I can go out tonight.

I called Philip and told him about the test; he’s happy and asked me to keep him posted. He also told me to call him tomorrow. I called John too, and he was pleased and proud. Lastly, I spoke with Andy.

10/30/1990 Tues. 4:41 AM

I wish I were just waking up, but instead, I’m wide awake. I slept until 6 PM. I’ve been so zonked out because I’ve had to be up at a certain time for specific reasons and wasn’t getting enough hours of sleep.

I have many errands to do, such as buying pig and cat food. I also need a bale of sawdust, stamps, and to make a photocopy of my birth certificate.

The mouse, who’s getting bigger, is now riding his wheel, and Shadow is growing so fast.

Andy came over earlier, and we made some phone calls to people who had ads in the Advocate to sell things.

Andy’s really upset. He’s having trouble with Miles, needs to find a job, needs to pay bills, and got in a car accident that he’s going to have to pay almost $1,000 to fix. It’s not fair—a drunken girl, who did get arrested, slammed into a parked car, then Andy slammed into her, yet Andy’s at fault. He was wearing his seatbelt, and the scary thing is, if I had been in the car, I probably wouldn’t have had my seatbelt on and could’ve gone through the windshield. Who knows how many stitches I’d have needed in my face? There are so many terrible drivers—it’s amazing and very scary.

I’m so pissed at myself because I just remembered I was supposed to call Philip and John three days ago and see Paula.

5:33 AM

I’m writing here on the waterbed. I put the mouse on the floor inside his plastic ball, and Shadow is having a hell of a time watching him and wishing so desperately to play with him—or eat him. It’s quite a funny sight to see him running around with Shadow chasing him. It was also cute when Shadow sat in Toffee’s cage. He doesn’t want to harm the other animals, but he might accidentally, since his playing can be too rough because he claws and bites.

Those drawings I did really blew my mind. I never could draw a line on paper before, and I feel good yet weird. It’s like—what’s next? I discover one thing after another that I can do. If not perfectly, then better than most.

Here comes Shadow again, checking on Gremlin after he took a dump in his box.

Andy and I may possibly go to an audition together early this evening, so I hope I get some sleep before then. Right now, I’m going to listen to music. I haven’t listened at all today. After that, hopefully I’ll get some sleep, wake up early in the afternoon, get my errands done, call John and Philip, and maybe even see Paula.

10/31/1990 Wed. 2:04 AM

I deliberately slept until 8:30 this evening since Andy and I couldn’t audition—he’s without a car until it’s fixed. Brenda’s also without a car, but tomorrow morning at 7:00, she and Kevin are going to pick up a car a guy is selling for $600. I made myself sleep long and late to reverse my schedule for a week or so; after that, it’ll go back to nights until I want or need to reverse it again.

I’ll tape Unsolved Mysteries, but I’ll have to miss Hunter. I’m also going to cancel Martha.

Early in the morning, Brenda’s going to call so I can get stamps to mail my mail, which is all set and ready. She’ll also take me to Food Mart, and when she brings me home, I’ll do laundry.

Tonight, I finished putting up my pictures in a different way, and it looks really nice. I also changed the cat box and swept the kitchen floor. After I finish my tea, I’ll listen to some music and do some drawing.

8:30 AM

John isn’t working today. I also tried to get a hold of Dr. Statz, but she’s on vacation for a couple of weeks, I guess. One of the three times I was in the ER, she treated me. I’m 100% sure the male nurse working with her was gay, and I’m about 85% sure she was too. I was totally touched by her—it was weird because she wasn’t overly attractive. There was just something about her. Like Linda’s song goes: it’s not that you’re attractive, but my heart grew active when you came into view. I had a crush on her. Sweetie pie.

Ever since then, I haven’t forgotten her. I can hear God saying, “Uh-uh, against the rules.” I think He wants me with someone less attractive so I can focus on personality. But I’d never be with Brenda if she were a bad person. Maybe another reason God has is that if I get dumped, I won’t be as hurt as much. I still long for someone with the character and personality I desire and to feel that once-in-a-lifetime sexual spark.

Please, God, please! Answer my prayers. Do it someday, very soon. God, what if I made a deal with You right here in this book? If I promise to try my hardest to quit smoking, will you think about it? Also, a beginning break with my singing, then I’ll pursue it from there. I hope you put serious consideration into my requests. If singing, having that special person, and a baby is too much to ask, I’ll understand. I’ll settle for singing and the special person only and give up the baby without asking for anything else.

4:33 PM

Around 9:00 this morning, Kevin and Brenda came and got me and dropped me off at Food Mart. I waited a long, exhausting time while Brenda brought Kevin to Palmer and back to pick me up. After that, she brought me to Shopper’s, where I got a photocopy of my birth certificate and stamps for my mail, which I mailed in the box outside the store.

While waiting for Brenda at Food Mart, I saw Allison. We spoke briefly, and she said she’d give me a call soon.

All my errands are done except for Friday, when I’ll get more food for the pigs and their big bale of sawdust. I still need to call Philip and John, and tomorrow I’m definitely going to see Paula. Jessie’s probably going to call today, too—she’s another person I need to see, and she and Brenda can meet each other.

I finally got back home at 10:30 this morning and fell asleep until 3:30. I’m exhausted, but I’ll stay awake so that at 11:00 tonight, after Hunter, I can go to sleep. I'd better not wake up at 3:00 AM and be unable to fall back asleep until 6:00 or 7:00 AM, then sleep until mid-late afternoon. I want to be up in the mornings from tomorrow until next Tuesday, for the next five mornings.

11:06 PM

When I got up, I made a pork chop and some angel hair pasta and got a call from my sister. Tammy said Mom told her, “I don’t want Jodi alone for her birthday, Chanukah, or Thanksgiving.” Tammy also said Mom told her to drive in and get me in the morning and bring me back the next day. Tammy tried to explain that it’s impossible with three kids, the business, and Bill working until 6:30 PM. Then Tammy said Mom pulled her typical line: “Good-bye, Tammy.”

I guess Mom fails to remember that I’m not alone, I’m not single anymore, and my girlfriend is fully willing to drive me down this Saturday—and for Thanksgiving and my birthday and Chanukah, which Tammy says she’ll combine into one big party. Tammy’s right—she can’t just go drive that amount of time. It’s strange why Mom’s so concerned about me not being alone for all these things.

I’ve spent holidays alone before, but when your own aunt and uncle invite you over like they did last year and then forget to call and pick you up, that’s not my fault.

Another case of taking the bad with the good. Fuck that.