April 1993

4/2/1993 Fri. 4:40 AM

Tonight I made $113, and last night I made $70. Scott and one of his employees came in tonight. Scott and several others gave me $70. Andy brought me to work on Wednesday, and Scott brought me home the last two nights. Steve brought me into work tonight, cuz Andy had to go to Donna's birthday party.

I have quite a bit more to write about, but I'm too tired to do it now.

Crystal Creek…

4/5/1993 Mon. 9 PM

Well, I am finally here! It feels great to finally be out of the Vista Ventana.

I have a million things to write about, so I'd better get started. I thought I wouldn't be moving till Sunday, but Scott and I pulled some stuff out Saturday, then on Sunday, he, his friend Eric, who also lives here, and I went over to load the pickup truck. I think Scott and I are gonna hopefully clean out the rest of the place tonight at 11:00 when that butch is hopefully sleeping.

Now, let me back up to last Saturday night and start updating in order. I made $111 Saturday night, and only $15 of it was from Scott. He came in with two employees and another dancer. Eric, who was there Friday night, has a fifteen-day-old daughter and a girlfriend, so when I came here Saturday night, I pretended I was meeting him for the first time. He, his girlfriend, and Scott and I had steak dinners.

Last Saturday afternoon, Mary came up to my old place. I had been sleeping on and off, and Mary said that the butch next door woke her up with her cleaning at 8:30 in the morning. She was pissed, and I surely don't blame her. She said she waved to her the day before and Andi just gave her this look. This bitch cares about nothing but herself, is very selfish, and thinks she owns the world. This bitch is never gonna get along with her neighbors and it’s no wonder she doesn't have too many friends. She may have a huge family, but no friends.

Unfortunately, the butch wasn't home when we were loading stuff yesterday. She will be tonight, though. I saw Mary yesterday, and I left her a message earlier tonight. I've got to get in touch with Kara. I must also write to several people, including Kim and Bob, and let them know the new address and number.

I'll be getting fifty stamps in the mail for $14.50. It's a very convenient service.

My photo from Montgomery Ward is gonna be mailed to me.

Before I get to writing about my apartment, Dave and I had a chat last Friday night as I was waiting for Steve to come get me. He said he's gonna miss me, and I feel the same. He was the perfect neighbor and very nice. I wish Mary lived next to me and Dave lived below me here.

Saturday, Andy drove me to work, and Scott brought me home all three nights. We also stopped at Fry's and got tons of boxes.

Also, I'm now gonna be working Wednesday through Saturday, from 8 PM to 1 AM.

Mystery won't be declawed for another week, cuz he has an infection in his foot.

Today's my dad's birthday, and I sent him a card and I spoke to him. I also spoke to Bill and Lisa, but haven't gotten ahold of Tammy yet since I've been here. They're now three hours ahead of us back east.

The second was John's birthday, but I haven't been able to reach him either. I told Steve to give him my new address and number. Last I knew, his beeper was busted. He's also driving the cab more, as Circle K has suspended him. They think he stole money, but I don't believe it for one minute, any more than Steve does.

10:45 PM

I just spoke to Kim and gave her the new information. She's gonna pass it along to Bob.

I guess Scott could be calling or coming over any time now to go to the old place to pick up stuff.

I still need to go to APS and pay the $117 deposit. I also need to go to the cable company to get a cable box, since my TV isn't cable-ready.

I need to hack off my nails, cuz they're a pain in the ass and I can't type too well with them. Right now, I am typing all this in the spare bedroom. I shall soon copy all this into my journal.

The apartment is beautiful and it is humongous! It sure feels great to have all this space once again. Having too much space is better than having too little. But within time, little by little, I'll fill this place up. There are only two things I don't like about it here. There’s no shower door as I had thought and hoped there would be, and this past weekend was fucking noisier than all hell! This is, of course, cuz I'm right by the pool, and there are a lot of divorced people here whose kids come to visit on weekends. Today it was quiet, and it was a blessing not to have to hear the very loud and very obnoxious lawnmowers. The only thing I could hear was the blowers, but they're not as loud. This is cuz the little monster kids trash the gravel rocks, and so they blow rocks back into place. I guess it's better to have noisy weekends rather than noise in the building and such a tiny apartment. I've only heard a couple of bangs from the people below me, but it ain't shit compared to the butch I had to live next to. You can't hear any footsteps or closet doors. I can slightly hear the door below me, and I've never heard a peep from whoever's next door to me. I guess this is all worth the weekend shit I have to deal with. I slept OK yesterday and today, but yes, I'm sure I'll get woken up a few times a week. We'll just have to wait and give it more time and wait and see. It's a kid's world out there today, and it's not fair. I still don't think it's prejudiced to have complexes for families and complexes for singles. It's discrimination to separate Blacks, Jews, and gays, but this is different. I think people should be given a choice.

I have more trees around me than at the other place. This complex is much more beautiful. Another great thing here is that I no longer have to buy bottled water. It's run through a purifier, so it doesn't taste like bleach.

11:15 PM

My wall clock says it's 11:15, and I set the stove clock and clock radio at 10:55, so I think I goofed by twenty minutes.

I hope Scott knocks any minute now so we can go get some stuff out of my old apartment. My first night here, which was last Saturday night, I slept on two couch cushions Scott lent me. Not too comfortable, but better than the other place. Last night I had my bed, and all day today I've had my cat and his. This is cuz they are fixing a problem in his place with the roof and wall. I think they're gonna transfer him.

These cats are really good. Very friendly and not as destructive as I thought they'd be. The cat box is in the spare bedroom along with this typewriter and the stool, my guitar, keyboard, the stool/ladder, which is busted, and I put my crystal night lamp in here. To be able to see while I type, I brought in the lamp I usually have in the living room.

In the living room, I have the stereo, TV, round wicker chair, the tall wicker basket of flowers, beanbag, round glass shelves, and other little stuff.

In the master bedroom, I have the bed and some plastic stacking shelves.

Of course, my kitchen table is right over the bar where the living room starts.

I'm using Scott's phone now, as mine's still packed in the other place. I have about five to ten percent of my stuff still over there. It looks like we're not getting it tonight.

Andy was over earlier tonight. He brought his VCR over for Scott to fix, and then we ran over to the store. He's very impressed with it here.

There is a guy and a girl below me, and they're very nice. I think they're just roommates, not lovers. He's the courtesy patrol, as well as a paramedic/fireman, and she's a leasing agent in the office.

Well, I'm gonna sign off now and write more some other time. I'm hungry, and I'm gonna go make a bite to eat and listen to music.

4/12/1993 Mon. 7:16 PM

I finally got my place all set up, so now I can quickly update all that's been going on. My place looks great, and I haven’t been woken up yet. They were kind enough to hold off the blowers and parking lot sweepers until very late this afternoon. The only thing I ever hear is the kids here and there at the pool, but music or TV drowns that out. Occasionally at night, I hear Bonnie and Steve's cabinets and door below me, but it's such a joke compared to the butch, and they've never woken me up. The butch changed her phone number. I also whited out my name on Bob's letter, which I sent to her. Rick and Rosemarie and Ellie are getting letters, too.

I've spoken with Kara and Mary.

Last Saturday night after work, John and I went and got the last carload out of Vista Ventana. I am completely out of there. There was a letter on my door about late rent. My father got one too, and I explained how they're trying to make a last-minute quick buck. Last week, I noticed Vista Ventana called while I was out. I called back to see what she'd say. She said she re-rented my place for May first to some girl.

On our way out with the final load, I put the keys in the rent drop box. Andi also has some goodies on her patio, but just my luck, she was gone at the time. She has an empty box of Corn Flakes, some wire hangers, and dead plant leaves that John dumped.

8:30 PM

I spoke to Mary a little while ago. She's gonna come check out my place and see some models maybe this weekend.

I met my neighbor next door last week. His name is Tom, and in a month or so, he'll be moving. Tom brought me to K-Mart today, and I bought a Dirt Devil vacuum for $69. It works really well. I also got some vacuum bags and plant food. Also, a little timer for when I'm out tanning. The whole charge came to $91, which I paid in cash. I had $150 on me.

Work's been going great. I cut around $300 this week, as well as last week. I now work Wednesday through Saturday, 8 PM to 1 AM. I had to use most of the money for the electric deposit, food, and odds and ends. I have to pay a $7 house tip, which is a new thing they just began, ten percent to the DJ, then there are food and transportation. Friday night, Scott never showed up, so the new doorman, Ray, took me home. It turns out that he ended up in the hospital due to stress and chest pains.

Last Saturday night I met a couple who came in there. They'd been living together for a year and a half, and have an open relationship. I don't know if he's bi, but he seems nice enough not to get in the way. His girlfriend Gail's really pretty, and she's bi. I freaked when she told me she was forty-three. I thought she was thirty to thirty-five! I gave her a table dance and my number. She called, and who knows if we'll ever get together. I doubt it, even though we discussed it. I was supposed to call her tonight, but I forgot.

A few days after I got here, I got a call from Celeste. She said I was probably “wondering” why I haven't heard from her and went on to tell me she's divorcing her husband Joe. She just couldn't wait to be free. She also said she had Hepatitis A, the least serious of A, B, and C, but is now better. She also said her doctor said no more drugs or alcohol or she'll die.

I told her there's no way we'll ever meet unless she comes to the club, but she can call all she wants.

There was this waitress at work who seemed really nice, with hair as long as mine. She said she was a hairdresser and she'd trim my bangs. Lots of people give phony numbers, which is a fact I'm used to, but I'm shocked she did. She never called me either and hasn't been to work. So she was just looking to give people bogus numbers, knowing she was quitting work.

That dancer, Sasha, likes me but was only teasing about getting together. This is cool with me, though, as I don’t dig her crew cut. Plus, she's too cool as a friend to ruin that with sex.

The dancers here are so much cooler, not that they were bad at Sha Na Na's. The customers are a bit better. They’re a bit more affluent.

I just called the payphone at Sha Na Na's. Now I can hit on some of the pretty ones and hope they don't transfer to the Mile High. But then again, it's not like they'd shoot me, and these girls are all either bi or used to bi people. The phone's just ringing and ringing. I'm calling it now for the fourth time. I was hung up on three times. Or maybe this phone disconnects you after so many rings. Yes, that's definitely it, cuz you can tell when someone picks up or hangs up. Plus, I would've heard the loud music in the background. I have to call when someone's in the bathroom to answer.

Just got lucky two minutes ago. Dawn answered, and I asked for Alex and Alicia, but they were off. Then I asked for Christine, but she was on stage. I'm gonna call back.

10:20 PM

Just got lucky again, and Christine answered herself. Using “Norah's” English accent, I asked for Christine P (I've seen her last name on the bar tip-out sheet). I said I couldn't tell her who I was, but that my boyfriend and I were discussing something we overheard. We thought she should know that her ex swears he's gonna storm the bar at 12:45 and hurt her. She asked where I heard it. I said it was from some company I had at my house. I used to know Ralph (she said his name) and how crazy he is. Was I telling the truth? she asked, and that was it. Then she said, “OK, thank you,” and hung up.

4/16/1993 Fri. 3:40 AM

The last two nights at work were dead, but the funniest thing happened Wednesday night to make up for it. Scott and John were in, and so Scott and several others saw this. John had a “spittoon,” a can he spits in. He had it sitting on the table when I reached across to grab a cigarette and knocked it onto his crotch. I laughed so hard my stomach and throat were killing me. It looked like he peed his pants, and I could see how red his face was, even in those dim lights. He was so embarrassed and said, “I'd rather have you spit on me than you knock my own spit on me.”

4/18/1993 Sun. 3:31 AM

I made $93 at work tonight. John came in, but Scott drove me home. Steve brought me to work.

I got my picture from Montgomery Ward. It didn't come out too bad. I've sent it to my parents.

Another dancer named Kim may put a gel on my nails to fill in my ridges and make them stronger. She's got four costumes to sell me, too.

Here are some of the dancers' names: Christine, Jill, Sasha, Heather, Nicki, Nicole, Sue, Stevie, Jasmine, Sativa, Shelley, Tia, Lisa, Kay, Mariah, Jessie, Jade, Lacy, Meagan, Brooke, Mandy, and there are many more.

I got bored one time and called and got Leanne's machine. I said simply, “Leanne, you're an asshole.”

When I returned from work, I had a message saying, “I didn't appreciate the message. I'm sorry I've got no time. I'm raising four orphan cats and working sixty hours a week, so please just be a friend.”

My final message was, “If you knew you didn't want to get together, and you didn't, why'd you take my number and call me? If you're not interested in someone, don't take their number, and no, there's no friendship. You probably are busy, but if you wanted to get together, you'd find the time to do so.”

I'm used to these kinds of games, but it sure gets annoyingly old.

Neither Gail nor I have called the other. If she does call, I'm not gonna set a time or suggest getting together.

Celeste left a message last week saying she's OK to meet people. Sure. Well, it ain't gonna be me. If she ever comes to where I work—fine, but I know she won't.

I'm still waiting for the posters Scott's making up. Maybe they'll be ready this week.

Scott fixed Andy's VCR and tape player and gave me a nineteen-inch color TV! It's great, and so is having cable.

Mystery's somewhat of an outdoor cat till he's neutered, declawed, and bathed in Head & Shoulders to curb my allergies. Two nights ago, I had his cat, Fluffy, while they re-carpeted his place. It never shut up, so I put it on the patio. Luckily, with the waterfall sounds and my music and the master bedroom being far from the patio, I couldn't hear her meowing in here.

Andy came to see a one-bedroom model. He loved it, but he didn't want the third floor, which is all they had, so he got an apartment elsewhere. He'll be moving on June first.

10:50 PM

I just went and got my other Barbie pad. I have three, and I keep one in the spare bedroom by the typewriter, one with my editing notes by the stereo, and one by my bed for journal notes.

Scott may soon be here to fix my typewriter cord. I can type, but the cord needs electrical tape rather than Scotch tape. He'll also have to program my VCR when he gets the chance. He fixed Andy's stuff, and he came over today. He was gone, though, so Andy hung out here for a half-hour or so.

He asked to hear some Tracy K edits, and I gave him some ibuprofen for his toothache. He needs dental work done, and I may lend him $150 by May fourth. He'll pay me back in June with his tax refund check.

This place looks great, and Scott's neighbor gave me two tables she was gonna toss out. They're of silver and gold chrome, and Scott's gonna cut glass tops to fit. They're my style, too. Very modern.

4/19/1993 Mon. 12:30 AM

I ordered new address labels as well as CDs, dolls, and plates. I also sent shit to Barbara, Debbie, and Fran.

Scott may or may not be going to Vegas for a business meeting.

I saw John last Saturday night at work and couldn't stop laughing over his spittoon. I told Steve, my cab driver, and he was cracking up.

I got an awesome outfit at K-Mart shortly after I moved here. It's a spandex tank top/shorts. It's a one-piece outfit, and it looks nice on me. If I were ten pounds heavier, I couldn’t fit into it.

I finally got my phone bill from Sprint, and can you believe it was only $65! I made fifty calls, and so many of them were for almost an hour.

Last night I ordered from KFC, and they screwed up the order, which cost $8. I called them back, and they returned with the correct order for free.

I got four new fancy writing pads for letters as well as new envelopes of assorted colors.

I sent Nervous a letter with a tissue that I wiped my crotch with. Speaking of Nerv, I've had some nice talks with him, both with and without Andy. I have so much editing to do that it isn't even funny.

A little while ago, I had a TV dinner and listened to music.

Andy also called, and a few days ago, he told me some neat jokes.

For $8, I bought a costume from a dancer named Kim. It's really cool. It's a two-piece with a zipper down the front of the crotch. Of course, there's a lining inside the zipper, as it'd be illegal not to have it there. It's denim with black lace and some greenish glittery thing on it. I also got two other things from a dancer named Tyra for $10. A strapless bathing suit top—I love the colors and I can wear it with my solid pink bathing suit bottoms I got from Mom right before I left Connecticut. It's got pink, blue, purple, and black, some of my favorite colors. Tyra also sold me a solid hot pink G-string. It's more like underwear, and it can be used as regular underwear by me. I had to gather the front and back of it from the inside, though. This girl is much bigger than me. It looks great on me.

Lastly, as far as the costumes go, I ripped the feathers off that burgundy dress I bought at Sha Na Na's. I also took them off the matching G-string. No more feathers floating around everywhere and the DJ asking, “Is someone plucking Mystery's feathers?”

A girl who works third shift where Andy works, did a very stupid, yet great, thing for both of us. Her name's Sarah S, and she gave Andy her phone number and her voicemail code, which he gave to me. We've been listening to some of her messages.

I've met several people here at the pool. Once again, they're usually the ones who strike up the conversation.

Asshole Stacey sent my parents a letter about the rent owed up till May first. I spoke to my parents and told them the truth about why I moved and that some girl is moving in on the first of May. I told them that they probably will get more letters, but to throw them out. Dad said to tell them that he wants no more letters from them. I left a message saying I've had it with them, they lie, they're not getting another penny, grow up, get a life, never contact us again.

4/20/1993 Tues. 12:35 AM

I have some totally shocking and totally amazing news. Before I get into it, though, I want to back up and update on a few more things I haven’t yet.

The bad news is that on the sixth of this month, I had my second asthma attack and had to go to the ER by ambulance. I ran downstairs to Steve when this happened because he’s a paramedic and I panicked. It’s hard to deal with things alone if you can help it. Bonnie was a big help, too. I was there for three hours; then I took a cab home because I couldn’t reach Scott.

Speaking of Bonnie and Steve, well, they’re super cool people, and there was always something I really liked a lot about Steve from the get-go. So I began to wonder whether or not I should consider going back to the good old days of settling. I was realizing how so many women aren’t attracted to me and how so many of them never go further than always being guaranteed to go through with a sex deal or get-together or whatever you want to call it. They don’t lead you on as much, and they’re the ones who are attracted to me.

But then there are a few fears of mine like AIDS and pregnancy, even though I highly doubt it, as well as trying to find a guy who can handle having only oral sex with me. Using my good judgment of character, I could pretty much sense I’d be safe with Steve and that he wouldn’t get carried away. So we sat down in the guardhouse one night after I’d gotten off work and had a long and very honest talk. He’s divorced with a two-year-old daughter, whom he showed me pictures of, and he’s different from most guys because he wants a relationship that might turn into marriage. He doesn’t just fool around.

He’s very much in love with Bonnie, whom he wants to marry, but she doesn’t want to marry him.

We both mutually decided right then and there that we should never get together sexually.

I’ve had a few talks with Celeste here and there, and late Sunday night, she told me she’d be able to see me. She lives all the way out in Tempe, which is about forty-five minutes away from here, but she’s got a friend who lives right near me. This friend was to have dental work done today, which is now yesterday. Then this girl—Donna’s her name—was to drive to Celeste’s place, pick her up, and bring her here. Now, of course, I was going by past experiences, and I pretty much thought she was full of shit even though she really sounded like she meant it.

She actually did show up! I was even attracted to her!!! She was attracted to me!!! She liked my eyes, hair, butt, and even how tiny I am! And I think she’s a definite seven and a half on a scale of one to ten. Her eyes and eyebrows are so much like Gloria’s, but her eyes are green. Her hair is medium brown. It’s permed and shoulder-length. It’ll definitely look better when it grows longer, but at least she’s no Miss Military Diesel Butch. She’s five foot six, one hundred thirty pounds. Her body is proportioned nicely, and she dresses nicely and does her makeup well.

We chatted and watched a little TV. She didn’t have too much time, as she had to catch the bus. I’m glad I finally got to see the face behind the phone for the last three months.

I laid it out honestly about her two-year-old son. He can’t come here, and she understands how I feel. Why do I always get people with kids? In a way, this is good and gives me extra peace of mind that she’s not going to smother me. You can’t do it with a kid unless you live together because you’re tied down and have no life. She’ll always be chasing down babysitters. She tells me that within a few months, she should have a car. I do hope so, because that will surely help us out with her living so far away, and I have no car. I also like her living so far away.

She sure called a lot after she left and was even going to try to see if she could get a babysitter, as she ended up missing the bus after some people picked her up here and brought her to her father’s.

She did seem clean and sober enough and intent on staying that way. Although this isn’t a major concern for me, as I don’t do relationships. She seems very nice, friendly, understanding, and honest. I like her character so far, and she may be passable enough to sleep with. In other words, she isn’t scary in any way. She doesn’t give me bad, threatening vibes. She did say on the phone to tell her if she smothers me too much by calling a lot. This was weird, as I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about that from her. She seems much more into guys and not getting attached right now, especially after coming out of a divorce. I hope she doesn’t end up falling more than she ever thought she could or would, but I’m ninety-nine point nine percent sure she’ll be OK and not smother me.

She and I went to the Jacuzzi for a little while. Then we came up and watched some TV and talked. She’s really cool, and she looked beautiful. She’s got so much Gloria in her—way more than Ann Marie did.

When her brother came to get her, she kissed me vigorously, and it was nice for a girl who isn’t so much into mushy, wet, sloppy French kissing. I’m glad I did meet her after the many, many times I was going to call it quits with her and never meet her.

A short while ago, Andy and I called people with ads in the New Times looking for singers and guitar players and shit like that and played with their heads.

3:36 AM

Since I met Scott, I’ve had more and more visions of fame and fortune. When I look back a few pages at what I wrote about Bill, his private Learjet, Los Angeles, and Capitol, it’s like—oh my God! That’s something I’d only write as a fantasy, but I wrote it for real. I meant it. It’s real. Wait till I tell my family when this actually happens. I want Scott, or someone, to take pictures as this all happens, so no one thinks I’m pulling their leg. It’s all going as predicted.

I knew God would have to throw me, literally by a freak chance, into a proper, decent, honest connection. What better person than Bill's nephew? I made a mistake before when I said they were cousins. Now I know more than ever that the NHA was supposed to be so bad in order to be my ticket out west. I always figured that whenever the planner above felt it was just about time, I’d somehow leave the East Coast. More and more, I realize how important it was for me to meet Tonya. If I didn’t dance, I would still be broke, and I’d never have met Scott or gotten this apartment.

Anyway, I listened to music a little while ago, but I guess I’m not quite ready yet to fall asleep. I am drowsy, though.

When I was first at Steve’s before Celeste came over, he handed me some banana nut bread on my way out the door, and one of his cats ran out. They have two cats, Patches and Shadow, which seem to be popular cat names. Patches ran out, but right before Andy called two hours ago, I heard meowing, and she came in. Steve and a girl I met a few nights ago at the pool came up and trapped it. When I told Andy they came up and trapped it, he asked, “They came up in traffic?” I was cracking up.

Then, a half hour later, Steve knocked. He bummed a few cigarettes, and I asked if he heard me laughing. He said yes, and he and Andy said hello over the speakerphone. I told Steve what Andy thought I said and told Andy how Steve met Celeste.

“She’s fucking hot!” Steve told Andy.

6:24 PM

In about five minutes, I have to page Steve to pick me up for work at seven thirty.

It sure was a hot one hundred degrees today, and it will be tomorrow, too.

I called Florida, and Ma answered. She got the picture, and she’s keeping it. A picture of me she actually likes—how amazing!

I called Connecticut and spoke with Lisa for about five minutes.

I called Celeste as she was on her way out the door to find a job. She said she may or may not be able to stop by where I work tonight.

I left a message on Brian and Angel’s machine telling them how much I love it here, and I gave them my new number. So far, management’s been really cool, but I’ll just have to wait and see. They wave and smile every time I walk by.

I forgot to mention that Celeste used to do topless dancing, too. She used the name Jade, just like a dancer we have, but I think she quit. Actually, I think she was fired for talking too much. Celeste’s full name is Celeste Brianne K. I love the first and middle name, but her last name’s no better than mine.

I finally got my deposit from SRP for one hundred seven dollars. Scott also owes me one hundred eleven dollars for the food stamps. I wouldn’t care, as he’s done so much for me, but I want to lend Andy the one hundred fifty dollars he needs to borrow by May fourth.

I really wish Scott would hurry up and call Tammy, fix my typewriter cord, program my VCR, and install my bedroom ceiling fan. I know he’s very busy, but I know I’ll be waiting months, and I hate that. Besides, he gave me his word that he’d do these things.

Andy called me and said he saw “Fuck Face,” as we call Donna, at the pool. We thought she had moved. Fuck Face dumped Angel and Brian, and we’re not surprised. I said she’s the type who’ll dump everyone and have a problem with everyone she meets. Andy said the way she said she dumped Angel was totally cruel, and I believe it. She claims Angel was always inviting herself over for dinner, so she gave Angel the cold shoulder and Angel eventually got the message. I don’t buy it, though, as I feel I know Angel well enough to say it’s not her style to do stuff like that. Then again, we all know Donna tends to over-flatter herself, and she told me the day we met that she has no friends. Gee, I wonder why?

Andy said she did ask how I was. He told her where I work and that I make lots of money and moved to a beautiful two-bedroom apartment. He said he really rubbed it in, but I couldn’t care less about her opinion. Andy says he knows to basically stay away and only say hi if they meet at the pool. She’d only dump on him too, but he’s moving to Glendale on June first.

I pity the poor girl who’s moving into my place on May first. I hope she’s a day person, loves kids, and is hardly home.

Well, now I’m going to go gather up everything I need for work. I really hope now that the major holidays and taxes are over, that the money gets better.

Not too much else is going on. I got a call today from Fran telling me he just got the best letter I ever wrote. OK, that’s cool enough with me. He absolutely hates it where he is due to tons of screaming kids, which even I could hear loud and clear. It sounded just like the NHA to me. He’s going to move again as soon as he can.

I also spoke to Nervous, but not for too long. He was just getting in the door with the letter I sent him with the tissue I wiped my crotch with.

I also called Tammy and told her all about Celeste and that Scott did go to Vegas. He’s back, though, and tomorrow he and I are going to do mega food shopping. I need food in here badly.

4/21/1993 Wednesday, three AM

Today—now yesterday—I awoke at two PM. I saw Scott for about ten minutes. He was cooking dinner, and his parents were on their way over for dinner.

I told him all about Celeste and that she may visit again that night. I guess he told Andy that Bill will be in Phoenix for two days on business at the end of May or the beginning of June. This will be when he, Scott, and I fly to Los Angeles to Capitol Records studios on his private Lear jet. God, this sounds weird!

Celeste came over again tonight for about an hour and a half. She met Steve downstairs, who said he’d babysit her son, Josh, anytime she needed if he were home. I told Steve earlier to tell Bonnie I got my bangs trimmed. She’s in Tucson seeing some guy she’s dating.

Let me back up a minute and say that as I was walking back from Scott’s, I saw a woman on her patio cutting some girl’s hair. I yelled out that I needed my bangs trimmed, and she said to come on up. For five dollars, she did a nice job, and we exchanged phone numbers. Now I have a hairdresser. I may even have her put a gel or an acrylic overlay on my nails. Even though my nails get long, the ridges I have aren’t too pretty, and then if I do break a nail, it looks stupid with all the rest of them long.

4/22/1993 Thursday, one forty AM

I made eighty-six dollars at work tonight, but the thing that pissed me off is that Scott never showed up and he hasn’t been home all day. I hope he is OK and not in the hospital. I’d die if anything happened to him, even though I’ve only known him for almost four months. He’s such a great person, but he really pushes himself. I told him several times to slow down, but he just won’t.

To add to things, Steve’s sick and John’s not working tonight, so a guy named TJ came and got me. He also brought me home. He gave me funny vibes, but he didn’t dare pull any shit on me. I’d kill him, but obviously Steve must trust him. Steve told me to page him at six thirty if I knew I needed a ride, and if he couldn’t make it, he’d send someone else. This guy also said he picks up other dancers regularly, so that’s cool.

I told Sasha all about Celeste, and she was happy for me. Who knows when it’ll be that we see each other again, but yes, I see us winding up in bed eventually. I sure do hope so, because she’s beautiful, and I know it’d be another year and four months before I got this lucky again.

Celeste really does seem to like me, but I was shocked when she told me she was romantic and to let her know if she ever smothers me. I thought people who only wanted casual sex didn’t act romantically and smother people. We did agree up front that all the two of us wanted was casual sex, so why would she then be worried about smothering me? Why would she want to go slow and get to know me and be romantic? That just does not go together very well, but I won’t jump the gun in paranoia. I’ll just sit back, play it cool, and see what she does.

That dancer, Lacy, is back after having some personal problems. Everyone says we look alike. We do, but not in the face. She’s right about my height, but she’s a little bigger than me, and my hair’s longer. Pete, the DJ, was going to have us both dance together to the song called “Double Vision,” but we never did. Oh well.

There were a bunch of rich Germans who came in tonight. If it weren’t for them, we would’ve all had such a shitty night. It was shitty, but it could’ve been a lot worse.

So what the fuck happened to Scott? I hope nothing’s wrong. Especially now. It’d be shitty timing if I’m not going to Los Angeles.

When I returned home, I went out alone quickly to the Jacuzzi. I mean alone. Usually, there’s almost always someone else out there. It seems like there are even more night people here than at the Vista Ventana. Then again, we all know that the Vista Ventana’s not the place to be if you’re a night person. I know that for sure, and so do Andy and others. This Jacuzzi is strange. Sometimes it’s really hot and other times it’s lukewarm and other times cold. It was much too cool tonight, and when I got out, I was freezing. The air out there right now is very dry, even though it’s warm, and I have my AC on. Tomorrow it’s going to be close to one hundred degrees once again.

I wonder if Steve’s on patrol tonight? I didn’t see him, and the lights in the guardhouse are off. The door’s locked too. I think he may have gotten it on with that girl, Chris, last night, since Bonnie’s out of town. She must be on vacation. I haven’t seen her in the office since last week. I met Chris at the pool, and she said she used to dance at Sha Na Na’s but didn’t like it. She said she gave her life to the Lord eight months ago. Oh well. Whatever turns you on.

Steve says it’s hard on him living with Bonnie because of the way he feels so much for her. Maybe he didn’t do anything with Chris because he never pressures or pursues sex with me.

I’m dreading the time he goes to Georgia to get his daughter Brianne for a month. I hope to hell that I’m not going to have to declare war on my end if I’m getting woken up by lots of screaming or banging. I told them all about the butch at the Vista Ventana. I also told them up front that if I’m woken up, they will be too. I won’t know how it’ll go till the kid gets here, but I sure do hope I’m worrying over nothing. God, I can’t fucking stand kids!

Scott told me that in one of the houses he fixes, he found me a combination bookcase desk. It’s normally used for a computer, but it’d be perfect for my typewriter. I could also put journals on the shelves. He says he can bring it here in a few days, but I know he really means a few weeks. I appreciate from the bottom of my heart all that Scott’s done for me. I just wish he wouldn’t procrastinate so much. This way, I’m not all psyched up for something for so long. I hate having to wait and wait.

I bought Mom’s Mother’s Day card, not that she deserves it. I haven’t sent it yet, but maybe I’ll accidentally mail it a wee bit too late.

There’s this gorgeous girl at work named Christine. Sasha says she’s made sexual gestures to her. Christine has, I mean, and somewhat has to me, too. Is she just being friendly, or does she like me in that kind of way?

Well, I’m so fucking beat, as I said before, so I’m going to listen to music and then try to get some sleep. I need to try to get to the pool tomorrow to get some very much-needed color. With my luck, there’ll be ten million screaming kids out there!

3:30 AM

Well, so much for going to sleep. I only lie down just to wake right up again.

I really hope all’s well with Scott. Now that I live so close and have gotten to know him more and more, I’m more in tune with him. I can sense when things are going well and when they’re not. I do have a bad vibe, unfortunately. I wonder if Scott could’ve been arrested. He did say that there was a warrant out for his arrest due to this tax thing he’s been trying to clear up, because it involves a lot of money. I hope not. I hope he gets things cleared up with the IRS soon. I also hope he’s not sick or in the hospital having a heart attack or something like that due to stress. I only know way too well just what stress can do to you.

The journal entries between April twenty-third and May twenty-first were lost. Therefore, I’m going to fill in the gaps as best as I can.

The only significant thing I remember during this lost month is moving to the back of the complex, away from the pool. It was a second-floor apartment, identical to the two-bedroom I had at the front of the complex next to Tom, my future husband, unbeknownst to me at the time. It was also at the end, like the other apartment was. At first, it was quieter, with a single Black guy below me and a single guy next to me who was hardly ever home. Then it became very noisy when the guy next door moved and a bunch of college kids moved in. The complaints to the office by the people below them and me were useless, but I would only be in this apartment a few months, fortunately.